Chapter Text
For a while we had forever in our hands
That's why one of us can't understand
How one of us moved on, one of us got stuck
One of us is drinkin' just for fun, one of us drinkin' to get drunk
One of us sleeps good, one of us hates to face the night
Just depends if you're talkin' about her world or mine
Yeah that's the difference between her world or mine
Her World or Mine Michael Ray
"You are bringing in Sydney Katz to head the review and take Jason's position in the interm?"
"Yes, why did you voice go up at least three octaves? It was quite a steal to convince her to transfer so quickly. If anybody can get us in shape for the ethics and conducts pannels it's Sydney Katz." Dawn sounds surprised by my reaction.
I am too busy trying to control my reaction to the name to answer her question, not that there is an easy explanation. Sydney is even more competent than anyone at Hope Zion knows. The styles of Dr Katz and Dr Kalfas couldn't be more different which I suspect is a big part of the appeal. Almost losing the Collins baby and his mom was a horrific episode, not to mention the mandatory review of all his patients.
"We are old friends i thought Syd was in the States doing a fellowship near Boston?" I rush to explain, trying not to wince at the lie.
"Budget cuts. The team managed to get the crucial work done, but Dr Katz can't stay, hence the win for us. Is working with Dr Katz going to be a problem for you, Dr Lin." Dawn asks sharply
"No of course not. I look forward to working with her again."
There is no other possible answer to the question. Being at the centre of that particular storm and reporting Jason’s drug addiction was one of the most professionally challenging periods of my life. My obsession with notes and decent recall for detail means that there shouldn't be too many repercussions for my career. Unfortunately, fixing this mess involves reliving a time in my life that almost broke me personally, according to at least one ex-boyfriend I am still holding a grudge. There aren't that many high-risk OBGYN's in the province, fewer of Syd calibre.
Hope Zion is at the centre of far too many personal dramas (many of them mine). I refuse to let Sydney Katz become another.
****
For 420 days, Sydney Katz was the centre of my world.
It's not fashionable to say such words now with all the talk about relationship equality and ambition, but the cliché fits. I had two passions in life, getting good grades in medical school and making a life with Sydney Katz. Of course, those two ambitions were the same my heart and mind. Syd was a prodigy who was climbing the ladder in leaps and bounds. However, for somebody so impatient and exacting, she was invested in me doing well. We spent hours sometimes days studying together.
Sydney Katz was looking for a roommate for her spacious off-campus apartment. I was desperate not to spend another year in the dorm with people who didn't take studying nearly as seriously as I did. Of course, I did have the misfortune of being the only medical student on the floor. That's what comes from rebelling against your brilliant and influential father and deviating from his old school. Enrolling last minute meant that my options were limited and all the handy medical school cliques were in full effect.
I was the only one of the applicants who were willing to meet her exacting standards of cleanliness, noise control and studying. Sydney was essentially asking for the perfect student robot so many people wouldn't meet the threshold. The apartment was in a prime location near campus, so I was ready to put up with a lot, especially when I saw the neat private room. I think she gave me a shot because we shared an interest in foetal medicine.
"Obstetrics isn't for babies. Are you up the challenge?" was her favourite through away line.
I have a Sydney Box in the back of my closet, and most of the keepsakes are medicine related. After finishing with Dawn, my mind is overwhelmed with images and memories. It takes a few minutes to dig the box from its hiding place. My hands a trembling and I need to pause to wipe away few strays tears. Rosemary O'Neal-Lin would not appreciate her daughter clinging so tightly to a relationship, but the memories are still comforting. There is nothing else for me to hold onto when the memories become too much.
There is the set of flashcards Sydney did for me when I was struggling mightily with Organic Chemistry. Her explanations are concise and to the point. The neat diagrams never fail to make me smile.
There is an oversized Harvard sweatshirt and no longer smells like Sydney, but I can still picture her wearing on the cold nights when we were studying late. All her clothes are normally so precise and put together. The casual look is by far my favourite, especially when she would let me talk her into ice cream.
There is Syd's favourite stethoscope, that is just the right weight and balance. I often wonder if she left it here on purpose or if it was an oversight. I am not brave enough to reach out to find out the answer. The weight was comforting on rounds sometimes.
The only non-medical item was a small journal in one of their old notebooks. In typical Katz style, the words are in a language that I cannot hope to understand. The beautiful Hebrew script is strangely comforting, but I wish I could read the terms underneath. Of course, the stories are not mine to know.
***
"She is coming to Hope Zion to finish the review and take over Jason's position." I whisper-yell to Alex in place of an actual greeting.
Alex Reid is my best friend and knows me better than most people considering we spent all our time together (in and away from the hospital). However, that does not make her inherently telepathic, and it takes her a while to make the connection. Sydney is a topic that we don't revisit often, and typically alcohol makes an appearance. Alex blinks at me slowly before straightening in a mixture of horror and fascination.
"Of all the baby doctors in the world, they had to pick yours?" she asks incredulously.
Alex sounds gratifying scandalised for me and immediately turns her attention away from whatever book she is reading. Alex doesn't know the particulars of the situation, but she knows enough to go into protective best-friend mode. While she was helping me recover from the miscarriage, my past with Syd become a topic. Syd was the only other person I could imagine having children with; it was yet another dream that went up in smoke.
"The chances are higher than you think. Sydney Katz is about as in demand as they come. She's dealt with that time of placental emergency more than once." I shrugged trying to make myself sound more confident than I feel.
"Are you going to be ok though? I've never seen you as broken up as when you were talking about her, that includes the breakup with Gavin. She has the power to still smash your heart into little pieces all over again. I can tell" Alex asks in full fiercely protective best friend mode.
"It was never Sydney Katz who broke my heart, Alex. There were circumstances beyond our control that weren't let us stay together." I softly beg to differ.
"That my friend is a classic distinction without a different. Your Sydney being of any length of time is the last thing you need right now, not when working through thing with Gavin and the baby." Alex warns sharply.
"The last thing Hope Zion needs is for Jason Kalfz to go on benders with top of the range intravenous drugs, but there you go, timing is crappy all around. Dr Katz is here for a set objective and length of time. She is a nomad and will get itchy feet after a while.
***
The Romeo and Juliet thing is only romantic in the movies and legions of YA novels.
In reality, coming from two different worlds is about a thousand little compromises with somebody being unhappy at the end of the negotiation. Love isn't a mystical force that can make the intrusions of family and fear magically go away. Truly wanting to stick out such a relationship is a long slow grind that takes grit and emotional investment that can give you more sleepless nights than is healthy for a med student.
Sydney Katz was, and still is to the best of my knowledge, a devout Jewish woman. She believes in and wants to abide by the tenants of her faith. For her, there is little separation between the wonders and glory of science and the miracle of creation. The liberal atheist in me struggles with the juxtaposition, but somehow Syd makes it work, and such devotion is a strength to her career in medicine rather than a weekend. Developing genuine feelings for me was never part of the plan, and in some ways, our relationship was more destructive than comforting.
"To misuse that Elton John song, you are my candle in the wind. A bright spot against all the darkness and the forces of change. A wonder and warmth that should never be able to survive but manages it all the same." Sydney whispers the words into my hair after the first time we make love.
"Didn't Emily Dickinson also right about hope surviving storms? English was never my strong suit, but I hope for our little light." I whisper with absolute sincerity.
Looking back, I can't even berate myself for being nieve and idealistic if Sydney Katz saw me tas her light than I was going to be the most comforting presence possible. It wasn't easy, and my relationships with other people in my life suffered the consequences, but any sacrifice was worth it for roughly 400 days. My grades were never higher, and the nights together were the highlight of any day, even the worst exams. The ending was terrible and soul-destroying, but I was never angry or hostile towards Sydney even at my most heartsick. Mom and Declan were all too willing to take up the role of knights protector.
It would be better for my heart to say five years was enough time to get over Sydney Katz, but that would be a lie.
***
There was no massive bust-up or breakup where our differences came into sharp impossible relief.
I am in two minds if having one painful fight or series of battles like my parents would have made the result easier or harder to bear. Sydney's quiet confession that she couldn't defy her family to come with me happens over several days. She never lied to me or gave me false hope. I, in turn, never put pressure on her to change or run away with me into the sunset. The fights between my parents were too toxic for me to ever dream of doing that to anyone else.
"If love was enough. I would follow you everywhere and anywhere, but I am a daughter and a community member long before an individual, with personal desires." I can still hear those heartsick words sometimes in my dreams.
My first instinct is to lash out at yet another brilliant doctor was prioritising another thing over their love for me. However, putting my father issues aside, it is too easy to see the agony that discussion wrought in Sydney's soul. I couldn't be the reason she gave everything up. The insecure part of me worries that a life with me as a struggling student would be poor compensation for losing everything she has ever known.
"I understand. " is all I manage to choke out instead.
I still remember every detail of that last night together. We didn't spend the time having desperate goodbye sex. Instead, Sydney clung to me all night. She was trying to memorise every detail of my body and touch. Half the promises she whispered were in Hebrew, and I've never been brave enough to look up the exact translation.
***
There is a conflict of interest, but it's a difficult one to declare.
There is no way I can tell Dawn King that her new staff OBYN here is my former secret girlfriend who I am not over. Only about four people on the planet know about our relationship, and they were equally keen to keep the secret. I have no idea if Sydney is out in any way, and it would be wrong to violate her privacy in such a casual way. The notion of being a lesbian was profoundly difficult for her, and I can't imagine that being any easier.
Besides, without the memories and a few treasured keepsakes, there is little evidence of our relationship, much less a messy history that could cause conflict. Unlike the Alex-Charlie-Joel thing, our relationship was entirely private. Away from the hospital and not even in the same country, for all outward appearances were close friends and roommates with a shared passion for medicine. Syd couldn't be out as a lesbian in public, and I didn't feel any burning desire to force the issue, Yes we were living in a hideaway from reality, but it was a comfortable and safe space that got me through medical school.
In a way, I was almost as damaged and sheltered as Syd, only differently. I was desperately trying to meet the expectations of the distant and apathetic Dr Lin, the elder.
***
I shouldn't have worried my former lover and roommate took the initiative.
I stare in bemusement at the paperwork that calmly declares our relationship as 'former roommates and friends.' The words are nowhere near enough to describe that time of our lives. Technically Syd could get in trouble for lying but there a few people who would or could attest to the fact. Sydney Katz is refusing to supervise me directly or review my actions concerning the Collins case. Syd's terrible handwriting involves me that Shiloh Gregory will be the contact person.
"Wow if there is one thing to say about Sydney Katz, she does not like messes, how the heck is she going to handle a drama fest like Hope Zion?" Alex asks while reading over my shoulder.
"Syd is scrappier and tough than she first appears. Dr Katz will have no problem adapting to any situation, especially when there are babies in need. Sick children and their mothers are a universal language." I reply almost absently.
"What about you though, you flinch every time that woman publishes and article, is it safe to have in the same hospital? especially after the miscarriage?" Alex asks gently squeezing my shoulder in affectionate support.
"Neither of us have a lot of choice in the matter. It's a good career move for Syd, and there is nobody better to try and get things on track since Jason. My emotions are all over the place anyway, it's not like Sydney has a monopoly on wrecking my amygdala lately. I'll be fine."
***
"Our relationship couldn't be a factor in my decision."
I snort in bitter amusement the words are true on so many levels. The text comes in from an unknown number, but I know who its from, we have still had mutual friends. Our relationship couldn't be a factor in any of her decisions; why would eight years make a difference to that reality. I resist the strong temptation to ignore her entirely, a bigger part of me longs for the connection again.
"I know that, Syd. It's been long time, I've thought about you." I reply truthfully.
The seconds it takes Sydney to formulate a response seem to stretch out, and I can feel my heart racing. We aren't students and new grads anymore, but part of me still feels like one, scraping for the attention of an idol again. It's difficult to say whether it has been easier or harder that Sydney Katz has virtually no social media presence. On the one hard I don't need to see her moving on with the 'perfect Jewish man', but on the other, there is no way to make even a tentative connection across time and space. Ultimately the pain levels are about the same (objectively speaking as a doctor, of course). The truth is a part of me will always mourn the unrealised dream of those two foolish students in love.
"I follow your work at Hope Zion, its impressive Maggie. Jason Kalfz put you in that impossible situation. You handled the pressure like a pro, Dr Lin." Sydney compliments avoiding personal reflections.
"Dawn King is already in love with your approach to admin and insurance. Shiloh Gregory is going to supervise my placement, huh? How did you wrangle that neat workaround to our situation? Maggie asks with genuine curiosity.
"A lecture circuit next year and a few bottles of her favourite red wine. You will learn to allot from her and we will be doing the main case load together at Hope Zion." Sydney is quick to reassure her.
"As colleagues and old friends putting the injustices of the world to right, one maverick doctor at a time, feels like a strange sense of deja vu to me." Maggie aims for a teasing tone.
"I'll try and make my presence as minimally descriptive as possible for you Maggie, especially in the let lead up to your exams." Sydney promises somehow managing to convey earnestness through text.
"You are about five years and 11 placements too late for that Dr Katz but I appreciate the sentiment. Did your mother and the matchmaker work their magic?" Maggie tries to joke away the pain.
"I can't talk about that now but suffice to say. My parents aren't any less denial than there were when I was 17 and in love with Neishma." Sydney replies quickly.
"I look forward to seeing you, whatever the circumstances."
Sydney's favourite phrase of scripture echoes in my brain as I switch off the phone. The passage is strangely controversial with several different interpretations, a few of the romantic. Sydney uses to whisper the words at the odd times that have no connection to the outside world. I often wonder if Sydney was trying to tell me something in her usual obtuse way.
"Do not urge me to leave you, to turn back and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go; wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus and more may the Lord do to me if anything but death parts me from you." Book of Ruth.
It's a shame that I don’t have the courage to say the words outload.