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Felix was feeling giddy when he woke up, it was his birthday and he was expecting something, though he didn’t really want to admit it. He wasn’t exactly sure what that something was, maybe a cake? Birthday wishes? A gift? It had been Jisung’s birthday the previous day and Felix had yelled his congratulations to his boyfriend the moment the clock was past midnight, everyone else had congratulated him in the morning and they all had celebrated together. So, maybe Felix was expecting something because of that. He hadn’t gotten any birthday wishes the night before but that was because he had fallen asleep before midnight.
Right now, something felt off, though. He woke up in bed alone, he and Jisung had gone to sleep together meaning Jisung had already gotten up. He quickly answered to the few birthday messages he had gotten from his family and relatives before getting up. It was quiet in the dorm as he padded to the bathroom, which was weird since the clock was already almost ten in the morning and usually the place would be full of noise. Excitement filled him, were they going to surprise him? He quickly finished his business in the bathroom and headed towards the living room after brushing his teeth. He halted when he noticed the room empty. He looked around, waiting for someone to jump up or yell. Nothing happened and Felix frowned, he turned to the kitchen and noticed Hyunjin sitting there. He looked a little ominous, sitting on a kitchen chair with his legs crossed and phone in his hand. He looked up when he heard Felix.
“Oh! You’re up, I was just about to come wake you up. We have practice! The others left already,” Hyunjin spoke rapidly as he skipped towards Felix.
“P-practice?” Felix stuttered. He was baffled, not even a “happy birthday” from Hyunjin. They couldn’t have forgotten his birthday.
“Where’s Jisung?” he asked, it was somewhat strange Hyunjin was waiting for him instead of his boyfriend.
“He ran to the studio with Changbin hyung earlier, they wanted to get some work done before group practice,” Hyunjin explained. Felix nodded and Hyunjin rushed him to get changed so they could leave.
When they left the dorm, Felix started getting his hopes up again. Maybe this was some kind of a plan? Maybe Hyunjin would take him to a surprise party? The closer they got to the company building the more excited Felix got, he was already anticipating walking in the practice room and having the members congratulate him. Birthdays were usually very happy days for him, he enjoyed the love, hugs and cuddles he got.
But this time the reality was different. Everyone was stretching, there was no sign of any party, not even a hint. No cake or decorations. His heart dropped a little.
“Hi! Finally, you joined us,” Seungmin greeted them and Hyunjin joked something about Felix sleeping late. Felix forced out a laugh and dragged himself to Jisung, who was sitting on the floor. He straddled him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Jisung laughed and rubbed his back.
“You were too cute sleeping this morning I didn’t dare to wake you up,” Jisung said and booped his nose when Felix leaned back. Felix giggled but couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed, not even Jisung mentioned his birthday. And there was no way Jisung didn’t remember.
Something felt fishy, but Felix didn’t want to mention anything. And he definitely didn’t want to bring his birthday up himself. It would just look selfish. He’d have to wait it out and see what happens.
It was three hours into dance practice when the realization hit him. He was not getting a birthday party. They had been goofing around during their breaks and even then, no one had mentioned his birthday, no one had congratulated him or even spared him any extra attention. His heart dropped to his stomach and his vision blurred with unshed tears. He felt ashamed for having expected something, for having been so excited. Why had he thought he deserved anything for his birthday? Any special attention? Or that he even mattered as much as everyone else. They were making it very clear that today was just a normal day, just like any other day. Felix knew Jisung deserved all the attention he had gotten the previous day, but why had he even thought he himself deserved the same.
He wiped his eyes furiously, trying not to start crying in front of everyone. He glanced around briefly to make sure no one had noticed, and indeed, no one had. He took a deep breath and tried to shrug it off, it was time to practice and not dwell on his feelings.
But the lump in his throat and heavy feeling in his chest never left.
-
Around three o’clock Chan announced that they were done for the day and would be returning to the dorm. The early finish startled Felix, they usually practiced well into the evening when no one had other classes or practices. But Felix shrugged the feeling off, maybe someone did have a class Felix wasn’t aware of. But what he knew was that Chan was definitely not going back, he would probably head to the studio and spend hours there. He rolled his eyes at their leader and thought how he himself didn’t feel like going back yet either, he’d have too much time to think and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to feel, he just wanted to dance and forget the world around him existed.
“Lixie hyung! Do you want to come with me to the store,” Jeongin asked, bouncing at him excitedly. He looked almost too cute for Felix to refuse. Almost.
“Sorry, I think I’ll stay here practicing some more,” he answered, walking to the computer to set up the music. He missed the others glancing at each other.
“Please,” Jeongin pouted and Felix forced a smile on his face.
“Sorry, maybe next time.” Jeongin didn’t press it, just furrowed his eyebrows and skipped to Jisung on the other side of the room.
Felix waited for the others to leave, he was restless and just wanted to be alone. The thought of having been forgotten was lingering in his mind and leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. A little speck of hope still remained in him, but the sadness and loneliness were fully taking over. Even if they were to throw him a surprise party, it would still be a surprise if they did congratulate and acknowledge his birthday beforehand. Now he just felt like they truly didn’t care at all. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a stray tear run down his cheek.
“Don’t stay for long, Lix! We don’t always get a free night!” Hyunjin exclaimed from the door and Felix flinched at the loud yell. Everyone else had already left the room and once Hyunjin closed the door behind him, Felix was alone. He sighed in relief and turned the music on, it was time to get lost into dancing.
-
Two hours later Felix collapsed on the floor as the song ended. He breathed heavily and swiped his wet hair away from his face. He had been dancing without breaks and he was feeling much lighter, the weight in his chest wasn’t as heavy and his mind wasn’t as loud as before. He felt better and was ready to take advantage of the free night, though he was completely exhausted, which meant he would most likely just sleep or play video games.
He gathered his bearings and checked his phone. Jisung had texted him a few times during his dancing and Felix had stopped to reply him quickly. Felix had suspected Jisung would stay at the company too but it seemed like he had actually gone back home. He had been asking when Felix would come, too, because he wanted to bake brownies and needed Felix’s help. Felix smiled at the thought of going home and getting to spend time with his boyfriend. He shot a quick text to Jisung, telling him he was now leaving, and pocketed his phone.
He took one last look around, to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything and had turned off the computer, and left the room. He bumped into some people on his way out of the building and got a few birthday wishes, which made him smile so wide it nearly hurt. There were birthday banners and ads for him and Jisung around the company building and on the nearby streets and he admired them on his walk back home.
Nearing the dorm his mood flattened, though. The birthday wishes from company staff and banners from fans made him painfully aware how he had not gotten anything from the people most important to him, his boyfriend and his friends.
He sighed and shook his head, trying to get rid of the negative thoughts. He unlocked the door to their dorm and frowned, the dorm was dead silent. Which it shouldn’t be as they seemingly were having a free night. He quickly thought how some of them were probably still at the company, but wasn’t Jisung supposed to be home? And Hyunjin seemed quite enthusiastic as well. He got even more confused as he walked towards his room but noticed how the curtains were closed and it was almost pitch black. The light in the hallway had been on but the living room had no light at all.
-
Felix walked further into the living room, dropping his backpack on the floor. He was just reaching for the light switch but someone on the other end of the room beat him to it. The sudden light blinded him and he could barely see everyone else jump up. He could hear them very well though.
“Surprise!” all seven of them yelled in unison and then there were party horns blown loudly and random screams of “happy birthday”. Felix was stunned and stumbled backwards, he hadn’t been expecting this, the hope for a surprise party had disappeared completely during his practice alone. He was overwhelmed as he tried to take in the scene in front of him.
His emotions were suddenly going haywire and he wasn’t sure how to react, his friends had surged forward and were now hugging and shaking him. His eyes caught the balloons on the floor, there must have been at least ten of them, there was a banner with the text “Happy birthday Bbokie!” on the wall and there were heart shaped confetti everywhere. More confetti was thrown over him and a sudden blow of a party horn right next to his ear startled him back to the present.
“Felix?” Jisung said and Felix found his face right in front of him. Jisung seemed concerned at his lack of reaction and spacing out. Without Felix even realizing it, tears were starting to sting in his eyes. How had he doubted his friends? Thought they didn’t care about him when they had prepared all this for him?
He looked at Jisung and tried to hold his tears, his lips were trembling and his vision was blurry. All the emotions he had felt during the day suddenly crashed on him, the sadness, the loneliness and the feeling of being unimportant and insignificant. But those feelings were joined by guilt and embarrassment for even thinking badly about his friends. His exhaustion only fueled the negative feelings and made more tears gather in his eyes.
Sob forced its way out of him as the tears finally fell. Jeongin laughed nervously, as if he was unsure whether the situation was serious or if Felix was just crying purely because of the surprise. Jisung’s hands lifted Felix’s head up, he hadn’t even noticed he had dropped his gaze to the floor. His boyfriend was wiping the tears away gently as more rushed down his cheeks.
“Happy tears?” Jisung asked, sounding hesitant. He seemed to understand that something more was going on and Felix’s reaction wasn’t just your basic teary response to being surprised. Felix shook his head as an answer, he couldn’t lie he was crying because he was happy or touched when he was sobbing his eyes out.
“What’s wrong?” Jisung asked, his voice barely above whisper. The room was silent and Felix would’ve thought everyone else had left if he couldn’t feel them around him and see Jeongin standing right behind Jisung. Felix sniffled, trying to catch a breath but the sobs weren’t stopping. Jisung frowned and let his hands fall from Felix’s face to his shoulders, he pulled him in a hug, rocking them gently and Felix sobbed on Jisung’s shoulder. Someone’s hand was suddenly on his back, rubbing up and down. Felix appreciated the comforting gesture and was able to start calming down with the help of the sweet whispers from Jisung. However, he was feeling even worse, he had just ruined a surprise party and everyone’s mood with his crying.
-
Jisung pulled him to sit on the couch, Seungmin was handing Felix tissues he had fetched from the kitchen. He blew his nose and wiped away the tears, his eyes were probably red and they felt swollen. He held tightly onto Jisung’s hand and took a deep breath. Everyone had settled down around the living room, Chan was sitting on Felix’s right side and Minho was perched on the armrest. Jeongin, Seungmin and Changbin had found their places on the floor, with a popcorn bowl on Jeongin’s lap. Hyunjin was sitting on the couch on Jisung’s left. Jisung was gently rubbing Felix’s hand and Felix cleared his throat.
“Sorry…” he started, the rest of the words getting stuck in his throat. “I’m sorry I ruined the party,” he tried again, his voice thick from crying. A stray tear fell down his cheek and Jisung reached with his other hand to wipe it away.
“You don’t have to apologize, it’s okay. I just wish to know what made you so upset,” Jisung said. Chan hummed in agreement and everyone else was nodding as well.
“I just…” Felix started, voice cracking. “It’s embarrassing, really,” he said, not daring to look at anyone.
“I’m sure it’s fine, and we won’t judge anyway, you know that,” Chan said.
Everyone waited patiently as Felix collected his thoughts, wanting to tell them why he was so upset but not wanting to seem like he was overreacting. He took a deep breath before speaking:
“I’ve been a bit upset the whole day. I thought you were ignoring my birthday on purpose because I figured you wouldn’t forget it as Jisung’s was just yesterday. No one mentioning it just made me think that I didn’t matter that much. And I don’t know… It made me upset, though I guess I should’ve figured out there could be some kind of surprise. And it all just crashed on me when you actually did surprise me… And then I felt guilty and embarrassed that I thought you wouldn’t care about me,” he rambled, voice getting quieter towards the end. Everyone listened intently, thought Jisung looked like he wanted to interrupt and when Felix stopped Jisung was quick to open his mouth.
“No! I’m so sorry, I planned all this and insisted that we wouldn’t mention your birthday so that the surprise would be even bigger. I didn’t mean to make you feel like shit, I’m sorry,” he said, pulling Felix even closer. Felix’s heart jumped at the thought of Jisung wanting to create a big surprise for him. He really had been dwelling in his feelings the whole day for nothing, he should’ve just trusted his gut feeling and not let the negative thoughts take the lead. There was a surprise party after all, just much later than he had anticipated. Jisung’s plan had been sweet but Felix’s own insecurities had gotten in the way.
“We’re all sorry, of course you matter and we care about you,” Chan said, the others voiced their agreement and apologized as well. Felix shook his head.
“It’s not your fault, I overreacted,” he said and Jisung denied his words immediately:
“No, you didn’t. I guess we just didn’t think this through that well.”
“It’s okay, I know you meant well.”
The lump in his throat was finally dissolving and the negative emotions were fading away. Everyone kept reassuring him that they didn’t forget and were sorry for upsetting him, all while they took turns hugging him. In the end he ended up back next to Jisung. He was in much better spirits and was ready to party, if everyone else was still up for it.
-
Felix sat up straighter and placed his hand on Jisung’s thigh, he looked around the room at his friends.
“So, what’s the plan?” he asked, a smile finally taking over his face. The reaction was instant, everyone else smiled right back at him as if his smile was contagious. Jisung clapped his hands and started explaining.
“It’s nothing big, actually, but I hope you like it! Firstly, we’re gonna order food. You haven’t eaten, right?” he said and Felix shook his head. Seungmin got up and said something about getting the menu’s from the kitchen. Later Felix would roll his eyes at himself for not noticing what was coming. They even literally had glass doors from the living area to the kitchen. In his defense though, he was mostly looking at Jisung, therefore not even looking towards the kitchen, and also Chan was sitting in a kind of awkward position to prevent Felix from having a direct sight to the kitchen, anyway.
Jisung barely had time to explain that after eating they were going to have a Mario Kart tournament, there even being a price for the winner, when Seungmin and Minho appeared from the kitchen. Felix turned his head when the lights were suddenly switched off, again, and was faced with a cake full of candles. Everyone was singing as Seungmin set the cake on the coffee table, making his wish Felix blew the candles and they all cheered.
While tasting the cake Felix became aware of the dried tears on his face and stinging eyes, he got up explaining that he needed to wash his face to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling. Jisung tagged along as he walked the short way to the bathroom.
“Lix,” Jisung said as Felix splashed cold water on his face. He hummed to acknowledge Jisung.
“I just want to apologize once more, I would never want to make you feel the way you did. So yeah, I’m really sorry,” he said. Felix quickly dried his face before turning to Jisung.
“I know, you don’t have to apologize again, it’s okay,” he said, wrapping his arms around Jisung’s shoulders and hugging his tightly. “I know you meant well and thank you, really, for this. I’m really happy now.”
“I’m glad,” Jisung answered and squeezed him tighter before leaning away slightly. They looked at each other for a moment in silence, Felix smiled and then winked playfully at Jisung, which made him laugh.
“I love you,” Jisung said and pressed his lips on Felix’s. Felix clutched on Jisung’s shoulders, not letting him pull away. The kiss was gentle and when they eventually separated Felix couldn’t help but smile even wider.
“I love you, too. Now, let’s go get some food so I can get ready to win Mario Kart!”
That evening Felix truly had one of the best birthday parties he had ever had. Although, the whole day had been a whirlwind of emotions and he couldn’t say he had enjoyed the most of it, he was still happy the day ended up getting much better. He was happy as they stuffed their faces with fried chicken and pizza before starting the gaming tournament. At first it seemed like everyone else was trying to make Felix win, but after he complained it wouldn’t feel like a real win with them losing on purpose, they all got more serious. Changbin even almost got hit in the face with a controller as Hyunjin flailed around trying to keep his first place.
To Felix’s delight, he did actually win. Though he suspected that Seungmin went easy on him on their last round. But all in all, he had thoroughly enjoyed the competition that had manage to take hours. On top of the winning price, he also got a few presents from everyone. He wasn’t one to care that much about material things, but he very much appreciated the thought behind them.
The party lasted long into the night, everyone wanted to keep playing Mario Kart, especially Chan who had lost on his very first round. He insisted it was because Minho had somehow cheated. They did eventually change games and ended up watching a few videos on YouTube as well.
When Felix almost fell asleep on the couch at around three in the morning, they decided to call it a night. He thanked everyone immensely and gave everyone one more cuddle before they separated to their designated rooms. Felix and Jisung both climbed into Jisung’s bed and Felix happily curled on Jisung’s side, exchanging kisses with him until they both fell asleep.