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They were all on edge. Every single one of them, irritated by the slightest misstep, pulling on their hair and clamping their tongue on some of the meaner things they wished to say. Yeonjun himself was at his wits’ end, and he knew it was just because of the stress and pressure. He would never normally have an issue with any of his dongsaengs, but with so many eyes on them this time around, he knew they had to be at their very best.
And they just couldn’t get this one dance right. It was for one of Yeonjun’s personal favourite songs, and he knew the dance would be phenomenal if they could just get the steps right. It may have been because they had practiced for too long, it may have been because they hadn’t eaten in twelve hours, any of them. It may have been because they had stayed up the night before practicing their vocals for the next recording session. It was difficult to both find a singular cause as well as list all the possible causes. Looking back, Yeonjun would say there was no excuse. That no matter how overworked he was, he should have never said the things. And he especially shouldn’t have told them to his sensitive (but still so strong) boyfriend.
Aside from Soobin being the most important in his life, he was also the group’s leader, and he deserved the respect that came with that responsibility. Yeonjun really hated what came over him in that moment, and the instant it was over he wished he could take it all back. Because he wasn’t sure if Soobin was ever going to forgive him.
“Hyung,” Soobin said from somewhere behind Yeonjun. Yeonjun didn’t turn, hyper-focused on his reflection in the mirror. He saw Soobin’s reflection in his peripheral, but he was in the middle of a run-through of the dance for “Puma” and he didn’t want his focus broken. It wasn’t just a dance, it was an act, he was playing a character, and he had to learn how to properly convey that. He had taken some notes from Taehyun, who already had a grasp on it, but he still just felt ridiculous. Soobin repeated himself, before placing a hand on Yeonjun’s moving shoulder, effectively stopping him. Yeonjun sneered, shoving his hand off and spinning around. “Soobin! I don’t have time to hear whatever it is you have to say to me right now!” he spat. He didn’t realise he had been so on edge, and he didn’t recognise the fiery anger and frustration that was coursing through his veins and making his hands clench into fists.
The other members, who had taken a small break, all lifted their heads from their phones and looked over at Yeonjun and Soobin, eyes widening. Soobin’s had widened too, but he smoothed his face out, probably brushing off the snappy reply. He clasped his hands together, and stared calmly at Yeonjun, though something was definitely simmering beneath the surface. Whether it was the same anger and frustration Yeonjun felt or something different, Yeonjun couldn’t tell. He just didn’t have the energy to process anyone’s emotions, not even his own. “You’re not extending your arm the right way right before the chorus, and I just wanted to help you fix it so you didn’t memorise it wrong,” he explained, voice steady.
And for some reason, that was the absolute last thing Yeonjun wanted to hear come out of his boyfriend’s mouth. Because it hadn’t been a fire in him before, it had just been a spark, but now that spark had grown into a fire and he almost couldn’t see straight he felt so furious. He couldn’t believe that Soobin would dare criticise his dancing, as if he wasn’t the best dancer out of all of them. His mind narrowed to the one focus—his anger—and he didn’t even think before he replied, face red and eyes glaring with hatred. “The last time I checked, I was the one who ranked first in, what was it?” he sneered, the sass heavy on his tongue. He held out his fingers and counted on them as he continued. “Oh yeah, first in rap, vocals, and dance,” He dropped his hand, looking at Soobin as if he was inferior to him. “So the last person I’m going to take advice from is the kid who ranked fifth in dance,”.
As soon as the words left his mouth, a new feeling accompanied his anger: sharp guilt. It hit him in his gut and almost made him take a step back, but the anger was still too strong. He had heard the others gasp loudly when he finished, and Soobin’s eyes were so wide and hurt it twisted something deep inside of Yeonjun. But the silence didn’t last long, and Soobin finally showed his true feelings. He clenched his own hands into fists, and he glared at Yeonjun, standing up to his full height and ignoring the tears on the rims of his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was shaky but venomous, and it made Yeonjun falter a bit. “The last time I checked, we weren’t trainees anymore and rankings didn’t matter,” he replied, and Yeonjun felt his resolve start to break as he heard how hard Soobin was trying to cover up his pain.
But then Soobin spoke again, and suddenly the anger was back like a freight train hitting him at full speed. “I’m disappointed that you’d let your arrogance really make you believe you’re excluded from any sort of criticism,” Soobin said, taking a few steps back and shaking his head. Yeonjun’s eyes widened this time, and he lost control as his emotions ran way too high again. “If that’s really what you think of me, then you can find someone else to hold you while you cry because you just can’t handle the pressure of this life that you chose,” He briefly saw Taehyun stand up, but he kept speaking. “Just stop projecting your insecurities onto me,”. And that was apparently too far, because Taehyun, Beomgyu, and Hueningkai all moved in between them then.
Taehyun shoved Yeonjun back, a disgusted look on his face, and Beomgyu and Kai went to Soobin, wrapping their arms around him. “What the fuck, hyung? Seriously?” Taehyun said as he kept a hand on Yeonjun’s shoulder, holding him back even though he wasn’t going to do anything. He had frozen in place, because he had seen the look on Soobin’s face. The look of pure hurt and uncertainty. He couldn’t keep the tears at bay, even though he was trying to, and his whole body had slumped at Yeonjun’s hateful words. And Yeonjun hated himself. He hated how much he let his temper control him, he hated that he had made the love of his life cry and feel bad about himself, and he hated that he couldn’t do anything to fix it. Because he doubted Soobin would let him come anywhere near him for a very long time.
The boy already couldn’t look at him, and even if Yeonjun wanted to, Beomgyu and Kai were fiercely protective of their leader, and based off the looks they were giving the oldest, he knew he wouldn’t get very far. He slouched against the glass, his own eyes tearing up with regret. The anger had left him completely, and now he just felt empty and so, so guilty. It dug at his insides, it made him wish he could go back in time and take everything back. When Beomgyu and Kai led Soobin out of the room, holding him close as he cried quietly but still enough that Yeonjun could hear, Taehyun rounded on him. He pushed him again before dropping his arm and stepping back a few paces. “What is wrong with you? How could you say those things to Soobin-hyung?” he demanded to know, eyes wide and full of his own brand of anger.
Yeonjun sniffled, quickly wiping his eyes because he had no right to be crying over the situation he had caused. He shook his head, throwing it back to lean against the mirror, eyes trained at the ceiling. “I was just so angry, and frustrated, and I really wasn’t thinking straight,” he said, voice thick and raspy from yelling. Taehyun didn’t look impressed, crossing his arms, his glare still perfectly in place. “Those were some really hurtful things you said, and they sounded like things you’d been wanting to say for a while,” he accused. Yeonjun’s eyes widened, and he stood up straight as he shook his head, desperation leaking into his tone. “No! No, I swear I have no idea where they came from, I don’t think that way for a second, please b-believe me,” he pleaded, fresh tears trailing down his cheeks. The last thing he wanted was for his members to truly think he was this bitter and hateful of a person. He didn’t believe his own words, he just…he knew they would hurt. And in the moment, he wanted it to hurt.
“You have got to learn how to control your anger, hyung, before you lose him,” Taehyun said, softer this time. His gaze had lost some of its poison. Yeonjun could only nod, sniffling, staring at the ground. Taehyun moved closer, and gave the older a small hug. “I know you didn’t mean those things, but that doesn’t mean I forgive you for saying them,” he added. Yeonjun nodded again, wiping his eyes as Taehyun pulled away. He didn’t expect anyone’s forgiveness. He deserved to deal with the consequences of his actions, and he was ready to do just that. Taehyun watched as he pulled himself together, and then went to go get his own things so that they could leave. “I would give Soobin-hyung some time and some space,” he advised, looking at Yeonjun as if daring him to protest.
Yeonjun agreed, even though all he wanted to do was rush upstairs and give Soobin an explanation and more importantly, an apology. He didn’t want his boyfriend to think for a second that he really thought those things about him. He didn’t want him to stop coming to him when he felt sad, and he never wanted to stop reassuring Soobin of just how great he was. As he and Taehyun went to the elevators, the fear and dread only continued to build up inside him.
When they arrived, they barely made it past Beomgyu and Kai, who both suggested that Yeonjun just go sleep in his studio for a few days. Taehyun tried to calm them down, but it didn’t work, and Yeonjun didn’t want another fight. So he just gave in, asking if one of them could go grab his pillow and blanket from the bedroom. When he had his things, he glanced at the room where he knew Soobin was, and it physically made his heart hurt to turn and walk away. He settled into his studio, sitting on the couch, and let himself cry just a little. He was going to have to find a way to fix this, or else he didn’t know what was going to happen.
It had been four days since the fight, and while Yeonjun had seen Soobin in dance practices and vocal lessons, the younger was keeping it strictly professional and only talking to Yeonjun when absolutely necessary. It broke Yeonjun’s heart, to be treated so formally and coldly, when he was used to touchy and sweet Soobin who always hung on him and demanded kisses throughout the day. This version of Soobin just made Yeonjun worry, and made him feel empty, and he hated it. He couldn’t keep his stares to himself, and he knew his face portrayed exactly how he felt, but Soobin didn’t seem ready to talk at all. And with the others still protecting him, Yeonjun knew he was just going to have to be patient.
It made things awkward, for sure, especially as time went on and his old habits started almost getting him in trouble. When Soobin took a break to drink some water, Yeonjun almost automatically went to rub his back, but he had to stop himself. And when Soobin was next to him in formation, Yeonjun almost kissed his cheek like he used to. It would always make Soobin blush and giggle, but he was pretty sure if he did it at that moment it would just earn him a slap in the face. And so he looked away, lips pressed together tightly.
He didn’t know how much longer he was going to be able to wait before he wouldn’t be able to anymore. He didn’t know where their relationship stood, and that fear was keeping him up nights when he desperately needed the rest. As it would turn out, however, both of them would be forced to confront what happened sooner than either of them expected.
Yeonjun was in his studio slash bedroom when Beomgyu came running in. He was out of breath and his hair was wild and he looked like he had seen a ghost he was so pale. Yeonjun immediately sat up, worried for his dongsaeng. “’Gyu, are you okay? What happened?” he asked, heart starting to race. Beomgyu swallowed, before shaking his head, walking in and grabbing Yeonjun’s wrist to yank him up. “It’s S-Soobin-hyung, he c-collapsed while we were going over the d-dance,” he explained, unable to speak clearly.
And Yeonjun saw his world go black and white, the colour draining out of everything. His blood went cold as ice and his heart became the loudest thing in his ears. He let Beomgyu pull him to the dance studio, and he couldn’t even feel his feet the fear was clouding his brain so much. Soobin passing out made his brain jump to the absolute worst conclusions, and he almost couldn’t breathe as they made it to the room. Taehyun and Kai were knelt by Soobin, who was still lying on the floor, but thankfully breathing. Taehyun looked up from where he cradled Soobin’s head, and his expression was indecipherable. “He’s asking for y-you,” he whispered.
Yeonjun swallowed, looking at his sweet, precious, perfect boyfriend lying on the ground after collapsing. His eyes were open, which eased Yeonjun’s mind slightly, and he lifted a hand towards the older. “Hyung,” he managed, voice breathy. Yeonjun pushed back his tears, and went to his boyfriend, falling onto his knees next to him, Kai moving out of the way. He caught Soobin’s hand, and intertwined their fingers immediately, holding on tight. “Baby, shh, it’s okay, I’m h-here, I’m here,” he said, feeling like he still didn’t have a right to be speaking to Soobin. But the taller held his hand back, and nodded, eyes falling shut again. Yeonjun moved closer, replacing Taehyun and settling Soobin’s head in his lap and shakily stroking his hair. He looked to the others, who all had matching expressions, skin pale. “Has he b-been eating?” he asked, fearing he knew the answer already.
The younger members shared glances, before Kai teared up, shaking his head. “He j-just goes straight to b-bed after practices, I haven’t seen him at d-dinnertime in days,” he cried, shoulders shaking. Yeonjun swore, the self-hatred growing as he leaned over Soobin and kissed his cheek, so scared. Taehyun and Beomgyu worked on calming Kai down, and Yeonjun held Soobin, the boy breathing harshly in his lap. “Baby,” he said softly, coaxing the boy’s head over so he could stare up at Yeonjun. He did, eyes blinking slowly. “When was the last time you ate anything?” he asked as gently as he could.
Soobin instantly teared up, and Yeonjun rushed to comfort him, bending over and whispering in his ear that it was okay, that he wasn’t mad, that he loved him so much. Soobin’s other hand lifted to grip Yeonjun’s elbow, and his cries subsided just a little at Yeonjun’s ministrations. “Um, like…t-two days ago,” he answered honestly, voice ashamed. Yeonjun nodded, lifting his head and looking at Beomgyu. “Do you have a protein bar with you?” he asked, knowing the younger always brought some to practice. Beomgyu nodded, and rushed to get one out of his bag, tossing it over to Yeonjun. The oldest caught it, and released Soobin’s hand to unwrap it. He helped the taller sit up just a little, leaning against his chest for support. “Eat this, sweetheart,” Yeonjun instructed, slipping the bar into Soobin’s hands.
Soobin looked at him, tears drying on his pale cheeks, and nodded, taking the first bite. Yeonjun slipped his arms around the boy as he ate, letting him rest his head on the older’s shoulder. Yeonjun’s mind was whizzing, so many thoughts bouncing around, but the main concern being Soobin’s health. Nobody spoke until he finished the bar, and drank some water. When he was fed and hydrated, Yeonjun carefully let him sit up on his own. He watched as his boyfriend wiped his face, and he felt his heart drop as he noticed that the boy was slowly moving away from him. He hurried to stop him. “Baby—Soobin, can we please talk?” he asked, voice small. Soobin looked at him, contemplated for a second, before tiredly nodding.
Yeonjun felt a small burst of relief, and he stood up, helping Soobin up too. He turned to the other members, who had calmed Kai down and were looking at him. “I’m going to take him up to the dorms, can you guys stay down here for a bit?” he requested. After a beat, they all nodded, and Yeonjun could see the looks of warning on each of their faces. He bowed in thanks, hoping they knew that he would never say the things he said ever again. Soobin remained quiet as they rode the elevator up, but he didn’t try and put more space between them again, which Yeonjun was grateful for.
When they made it to the dorms, they went to the bedroom, and Soobin sat on his bed, scooting over to make room for Yeonjun. The older hesitated, before sitting down and facing Soobin, whose face was covered in shadows from the bunk. Yeonjun swallowed, before reaching out to take Soobin’s hand. The boy didn’t resist, and so Yeonjun intertwined their fingers again. “Soobin-ah,” he started, trying to put as much sincerity in his tone. “I am so, so sorry for the things I said the other day,” He took a deep breath, noting how intensely Soobin was looking at him, how tense the air had gone. “I let my anger get the best of me, and I said what I knew would hurt you, not what I actually believed,” He winced at those words, but kept going. “I hate that I said those things, and I hate how they must have made you feel, and I wish I could take them back. I love you, I love everything about you, including your insecurities, and I never want you to feel like you can’t come to me when you’re feeling sad or discouraged,” He paused then, looking at Soobin closely.
The boy was crying, silently, and so Yeonjun moved closer, until their knees bumped. “I will work every day to make up for the things I said, until you truly believe that I don’t believe what I said, okay? I fucking love you, Soobin, and when I heard you collapsed today I-,” He stopped there, because he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to speak without crying. Just the thought made him tear up again, and he never realised he could cry as much as he had the past four days. So he took a shaky breath, and let his words stop there, staring at his boyfriend. The younger had dropped his gaze to his hands in Yeonjun’s, and Yeonjun could almost hear the gears in his head turning. He was beyond nervous, heart threatening to give out, and he did his best to remain as calm as possible.
After what felt like an eternity, Soobin spoke, voice quiet. “I don’t know if I can forgive you yet,” he began, and Yeonjun’s breath caught in his throat. Soobin looked up then, and pulled the older closer, and seeing as the only place Yeonjun could move to was Soobin’s lap, that’s where he ended up. It was automatic, how his legs locked around his waist and Soobin’s hands went to Yeonjun’s hips after releasing his hands. Yeonjun rested his own on Soobin’s chest, and he felt himself blushing despite it all. Soobin spoke again, looking up at Yeonjun as he held him. “But I believe you,” he said. “I believe that you didn’t mean them, and I…I know I’ll be able to forgive you in the future, I just need some t-time,”
Yeonjun nodded frantically, the relief washing over him so intense he could lose himself him in. But he didn’t, reigning himself in and moving his hands to cup Soobin’s cheeks. “I am going to treat you better, I’m going to remind you of how much you mean to me and how much I love you, and I am going to earn your forgiveness,” he promised, gaze intense. He felt Soobin’s cheeks heat up, and then he nodded in his grasp, leaning forward a little. “That would be r-really nice,” he replied, voice barely above a whisper. Yeonjun broke a small smile, the first in days, and nodded, closing the gap and connecting their lips.
They had a lot to work out and work on, and Yeonjun knew he was going to have to put in a lot of effort while still preparing for a comeback, but he knew it would be worth it. Because Soobin was worth it. And as he kissed his boyfriend, and as his boyfriend kissed him back, he knew he’d be able to do it. He had every reason worth fighting for.