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I haven't seen you for quite a while.
I didn't hear your voice talk to me,
like you used to do.
I haven't felt your touch for a while.
I'll be there, if you believe in me and you.
And if this wall between us should crumble and fall,
take me as I am.
'Cause I can't wait no more; can't take it no more.
I'm lost, can't find my way.
-- 'In My Dreams' by Papermoon
Jim Ellison stood in the middle of the grocery store when the forbidden senses kicked in. It had happened occasionally before but he had always been able to dial them down immediately. This time it was different. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't control them.
The familiar scent hung heavy in the air and the intimate heartbeat thundered in his ears. 'It couldn't be!' his mind told him. 'But you sense it. It has to be true,' a tiny voice whispered, getting stronger with each word, making the other grow silent. Slowly he turned around, at the same time fearing and welcoming what he would see.
His heartbeat went off the scale the moment his eyes caught the small form in front of him. Dark curls, longer than he remembered, well defined body, the same he had felt so often beneath his hands, incredible blue eyes, as deep as ever.
The last few years had been hard, harder than he was willing to admit and harder than everything he had ever gone through before. But he had survived like he always did. Still, surviving wasn't enough - he wanted to feel whole again.
He understood why Blair had left. Back then he had felt it too - the slow drifting apart. It seemed that at some point, without realizing it, they had taken different roads. It was only when the distance between them had gotten too big that they understood that there was a problem, but by then it was too late. Nevertheless, it had hurt like hell and still did.
After Blair had left, he couldn't bear even the thought of being a Sentinel. His heightened senses had been the cause of his meeting this bundle of energy, and he didn't want them when Blair wasn't by his side anymore. So he had turned them down to normal range and hadn't dared to use them for one second. Until now.
They had kicked in without warning and he no longer had the control to shut them down again.
It had been four years since he had used them. Four years, since he had seen his Guide and friend. Four years, since he had started a new life.
And now, he stood in front of the man he once loved, and still did, and everything rushed back like it had happened yesterday.
***
flashback
"Jim?"
"Mmm," he answered, still reading the sports page of his newspaper.
"I accepted an offer for a field study in China." The younger man's words sounded oddly calm but his racing pulse belied that.
The words cut through Jim's heart like a knife and he couldn't keep the panic out of his voice. "What? For how long?" He looked at the man, standing just in front of the door to his room.
"At least two years." Blair's whisper sounded like a shout in his ears.
He gasped, struggling what to say. "Why? What about us? What about my senses?"
"You know, as well as I do, that there isn't an us any longer. Since I got my doctorate..." There isn't an us any longer. There isn't an us any longer. The words repeated their cruel meaning over and over again in Jim's head. "... We don't do anything together anymore - not camping, not anything."
"If that's what's bothering you then I'll talk to Simon, tell him that I need a week off, and then..." he couldn't finish his thought.
"No, it's too late."
end flashback
***
It's too late. Too late. I need to be free. Still, after all those years, the words tortured his mind with the same intensity. Not one day had gone by without asking himself why this had happened. Why hadn't he noticed something? The signs had been there but he had ignored them, thinking that everything would fix itself. It hadn't happened!
"Hi, Jim. It's been a long time."
That voice - his guiding anchor for seven years. For how long did he wish to hear this voice? He opened his mouth to say something, but no sound left his throat. Taking a deep breath he tried once again to say what he should have said years ago; how sorry he was, that it had been his fault, that he loved him. Yet, all he said was, "It's good to see you again," his voice breaking with the effort of this single sentence.
"How are you?" He smelled the sweat of nervousness dripping off the younger man's body, filling the air with an unpleasant atmosphere.
"I'm fine. You?"
"Couldn't be better. How's it going with your senses?" The small man bounced from one foot to the other.
"Everything's under control." Blair had no idea how much under control they were - at least till he came back.
"Good."
Silence.
Blair looked at his watch. "Look, I'm sorry, but I have to go... I'm running late."
"As usual," Jim finished, smiling.
"Yeah, as usual." Blair smiled back. "Maybe we could go out together some day. Talk a little..."
"That'd be great."
Blair nodded and gave him his address and phone number and left then with a quick "See you".
Jim didn't know how long he stood there looking at the small card in his hand, a whispered "I love you, Blair" on his lips.
---
For almost two weeks Jim considered whether or not he should call his former lover, struggling with his feelings once buried deep inside him. He couldn't do his work, he couldn't do anything - he always saw Blair's face in front of his inner eye and heard his voice. Then finally he couldn't take it anymore.
They met the following day at a restaurant, since Blair had refused to meet him at the loft. 'Too many memories' he had said, and Jim reluctantly agreed.
At first, the atmosphere between them was strained and uneasy, but slowly they began to relax. They started to talk about the past four years - Blair enthusiastically telling stories about his time in China and Jim speaking about his police work and how he became Captain of Narcotics. However, not once did they speak about their former relationship. Everything was kept light and casual.
Then the moment came for them to part - like it had come all those years ago.
Jim brought him to his car, taking advantage of every moment the younger man was willing to share with him. Blair opened the door and turned around to look at Jim, starting to say his goodbye. Suddenly their love and passion filled the air, and they fell into the depths of each other's eyes. Blue met blue and Jim couldn't help but lean forward and brush his lips over Blair's, forgetting that someone could see them.
Immediately, the kiss deepened. Tongues stroked against each other, dueling for dominance. The younger man's taste exploded in Jim's mouth - reminders of the meal they had eaten, a soft trace of beer, a slight herbal flavor, and something that was simply Blair.
Then abruptly, Jim felt Blair push against him, trying to get away. He instantly let him go, fear in his eyes.
"I don't think this is a good idea... at least not now. I... I'd better go," whispered the small man, turning towards the door. He left in his car, with one last look back, promise and love written all over it.
The Sentinel sat heavily down on the front-seat of his truck before detecting a small sheet of paper in the pocket of his jacket.
Jim,
The thundering waves are calling me home to you.
The pounding sea is calling me home to you.
Love, Blair
Maybe there would be a second chance after all.
End.