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I’m here.
What a precious thing to be, what a precious place to return to - and how fragile of a thing it is.
When I close my eyes I can still feel the snow beneath my hands, can still feel the pull of gravity towards the edge, the searing pain of my leg hitting the rock. How still it all felt when I realised I stopped just before falling. How my heart was beating against my ribs, full of fear, full of… I don’t think that feeling has a name, does it? The relief of being alive, of feeling cold and drenched and in pain, but alive.
Alive.
I thought of her when I was slipping. How I promised to come back, how I promised to read her letters safely in bed before sleep would claim me. I thought of her as my body was shaking, the darkness swallowing everything up, even the fog which seemed so present all the way up. My hands were cold, so I huddled, calling out into the dark, a flashlight illuminating the rocks around us. It seemed hopeless, but I clung on to her, the love she gives me every day. I clung to the knowledge that I couldn’t give up, that there were people waiting for me at home.
I never was good at letting go.
Then, a voice in the distance, another flashlight...a miracle.
They found us. They guided us back, through the fog, the dark, the rain, the cold. It was so cold, but the little flickering flame was a wildfire again and my body kept going, I kept walking. The woman who was guiding us to safety, guided by Fortuna herself it seemed, listened and talked. I told her about my sweetheart, about those who were waiting, told her that I was scared but not as much anymore, told her that I’m so happy they went to search, to save, to help.
But as much as they guided and helped, it was my own strength which scaled the rocks, which crossed the glacier, and even as it hurt, as air seemed to thin even more, as the thirst got unbearable, I made it. Seeing the light in the distance, hearing more voices, it seemed… So human. We should help each other, we’re a social species after all. Extend our kindness and hand towards those in need. Just like they did. Just like they helped with the last few steps.
We were safe, yet…
Only in the warmth I realised how cold I was. How tired, how sleepy, how in pain. Death had breathed down my neck the second time that day, my pulse so faint it was hard to find, yet… I still had one. The water I drank up slowly, savouring every drop, time seemingly standing still. Rest came soon, warmth too, but the wounds… They still seem open.
I cried often. I still do.
Everything reminded me of what I would’ve left behind. The plushies in my office, the letters I penned for my beloved, the gifts I still need to send to my friends, my parents' silent love as they buy my favourite iced tea for me. It almost feels too much at times, but it isn’t.
Despite everything, I made it back.
Despite everything I’m still here.