Chapter Text
There was always strain before any rehearsal of Epsilon Phi, whether it be Nijo twins quarreling or Shu annoying Reiji, there was always something. Usually upon starting to play the tension would solve itself and they would focus on whatever song they were playing. Today was different for Haruka, maybe because it had been a long day or because Kanata had been especially obnoxious during the walk home from school. Kanata either didn’t pick up on whatever bad mood Haruka was in or he simply didn’t care because his usual annoying banter seemed to be more prevalent today.
Kanata was now chatting with Shu though, Haruka was left with some amount of solace as he set up his guitar to prepare for their practice session. He didn’t want to be there, honestly he just wanted to go through his usual routine of staring at the ceiling, listening to bad music, and drowning in his own self pity. The others seemed to be having a slightly ok day though so he shut his mouth before any comment on how pointless this was came to fruition. As they all gathered to start to play, there was little chatter and everyone seemed to settle into the usual practice mindset. Everyone except Haruka really.
Haruka wasn’t stupid. He was no stranger to stress and he knew no one really was. For as long as he could remember it was very difficult for him to be happy or productive without his negative thoughts coming in eventually. Kanata called it his “case of the sads” and while it was a mocking name it wasn’t wrong in the slightest. Today was a typical “sads” day, school was exhausting, his brother was exhausting, this goddamn song was exhausting. He knew how to deal with these days but they never became anything positive. He knew he would be distant this practice session which wasn’t abnormal at all, but he was so far drifted into his own head he was lost. He forgot all his ques, he stumbled on words, no one seemed to notice that much so he was ok with this.
Through the middle of their session his mind was spiraling still but in the middle of their song his fingers just locked on his guitar and he managed to lose any momentum he had, causing the song to fall apart.
He felt the other’s eyes burn onto his skin, they all messed up but it was rare they messed up that much. Kanata snickered on the other side of the room.
“Haru-chan I know you’re bad but at least you could not ruin the entire song” The cheeky 13 year old voice of Shu commented.
It vaguely hurt but it was a fact of being in the same area of Shu that you would be subjected to whatever bullshit he put you through. Haruka wasn’t interested in dealing with any of this at this point so he did what he was best at and pretended it didn’t happen. He looked up at his fellow bandmates, Reiji seemed uninterested in the situation, Kanata was using his most punchable face, and then there was Tadaomi, who had his usual blank expression and non descript smile.
Haruka muttered a quick “geez sorry” and they resumed. This was all a normal event, Haruka had accepted he was a fuck up a long time ago so he snapped himself back into concentrating and moved on. He looked up mid song later in their session though to see Tadaomi’s soft expression still looking at him. He quickly averted eye contact, it was odd that Tadaomi was staring at him but at least he wasn’t expected to maintain it.
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Rehearsal blurred past after that, instant ramen was consumed as to not interact with the others in the kitchen, Haruka found himself staring into the ceiling and listening to bad music as planned. His ceiling fan was whirring loudly and the sharehouse seemed to become more peaceful eventually.
That was until a soft, dainty knock came from his door. Haruka groaned, this usually meant Kanata was here to mess with him but this knock was far too gentle to be from his bastard brother. So he wandered to open it and there he was. Tadaomi with his smile softly crinkling up and his wide eyes. This genuinely confused Haruka because he barely talked to his band mates besides his brother outside of their practice sessions or backstage time. He wondered if he had upset Tadaomi? Had he done something wrong? Surely he had as he never bothered him before this.
But as he braced himself for some crude word he was met with “Are you alright Haruka-san? You seemed upset, I’m not sure what happened today but if you would like to talk I have a few questions. For research of course.”
This was an unprecedented statement for Haruka. Most people feigned interest in his life, Kanata was aware of his issues but he didn’t seem to care. So at this point he panicked, he wanted to shut the door and hide, he wanted to yell that it was none of his business, he wanted to ask what the hell he actually wanted, but those kind eyes just kept staring down at him.
Going against every cell in his body he stumbled through something like “fine” or “ come in” he wasn’t sure. So here he was, Tadaomi now sitting on the opposite side of his bed.
Tadaomi started with simple questions. Stuff like “Did something happen today to make you upset?” or “Has this happened before?”. He wasn’t unlike a doctor or scientist examining a specimen. Haruka gave short half baked answers for most of the little session, but he felt something rising in him, he felt like all his stupid emotional gunk was going to explode out of him and onto himself and Tadaomi. He didn’t know how to answer a lot of questions, no one really ever cared about what he ate for lunch or what his brother said to him.
Finally a question came that he didn’t expect. A curveball.
“Are you happy?”
Normally Haruka would’ve said some stupid non-answer to this question, he would’ve told him that his emotions we’re none of his business. Today though, he started to cry. Not the kind of crying that was a few tears but an actual sob. Haruka didn’t know the last time he had cried like this, maybe when he was a kid or before he hated Kanata or maybe he didn’t remember. It might have been because it was late but instead of getting angry or hiding the words came and they didn’t stop. He talked about his family, about how Kanata used to understand him, how he felt he had failed all of them, how no matter how he tried he was never good enough.Tadaomi sat there quietly, his soft smile now in a much more neutral face. Haruka knew he didn’t get it, he barely knew him, but he still sat there. Tadaomi reached over to pat his shoulder every now and then, muttering something resembling “there, there.”
After what felt like an eternity, Haruka stopped crying, he felt ridiculous but he looked up at those soft eyes.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you” said Tadaomi in a hushed tone. “I only wished to understand at least what was going on”
Haruka looked away. He didn’t dare tell Tadaomi how much he appreciated that he listened but his heart lifted a little when Tadaomi said.
“I want to know more about you, not just your sadness. Let’s do this again tomorrow.”