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It started small.
She was alone in her room, staring at her ceiling. Black Canyon was snoozing in his cage across the room, leaving her in complete silence. As she laid still on her bed, her mind wandered.
It went to how the day played. A typical school day, her memories replayed the moment Hanako would cheer her on as she mopped the floor. Kou would be helping her by wiping the windows and they would clean the stalls together. Her mind went to Hanako and by correlation, the supernatural. It went to their picture perfect world they’d been trapped in. It focused on her lifespan.
Her less-than-a-year lifespan. Her limited time left.
She wondered what death entailed. She wondered how she would die. Media always portrayed it as cold. She didn’t want to be cold or alone.
She shut down the thought as soon as she realized where she was heading. Turning onto her side, she pulled the covers over her chin. Nene slept a sleepless night and woke up much too early the next morning. She didn’t want to go back to sleep, so she prepared for school and left her house on time.
It may have made her teachers proud. It didn’t make her feel any better.
Those small foreboding thoughts and sleepless nights accumulated over the span of a month.
Nene took her new schedule into stride as best as she could. Have a restless sleep, wake up early, attend school and toilet cleaning, go home and do her assignments, go to bed and repeat the cycle. There were rings forming under her eyes and she was never one to overdo her makeup but lately she realized she spent a lot of time in front of the mirror applying concealer. Makeup to hide her physical exhaustion and a plastered on smile to hide her mental fatigue.
There was nothing she could do to alleviate her emotional distress.
Her teachers were happy about the change, save for one. Her friends were beginning to catch on, every single one.
“Nene-chan, do you want to go to the infirmary?”
“I’m fine.”
“But you look tired. Have you been overworking yourself?”
“I’m fine.”
“Nene-chan,” Aoi put her hands on her hips. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m fine.” She sidestepped around her friend and dodged the hand aiming for her wrist, leaving her friend to awkwardly grasp air. “See you tomorrow.”
She didn’t turn back.
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.
I’m fine , a mantra that started to lose its meaning the closer she approached the bathroom entrance. Nene took a deep breath. “I’m fine.”
“Are you really?” Hanako appeared upside down, concern etched deep into his face. She couldn’t find it in herself to react. “Yashiro, do you want to go home early today?”
Home? This early? Where she’d have time to brood? No, she didn’t want to go home early. She can’t.
“I’m fine.” Her smile was slipping. Her body was shaking. “I’m—“
She felt a tap on her forehead and the world became a dizzying black.
Kou found them on the bathroom floor. It wasn’t the prettiest sight, but he was relieved at what he saw. Hanako was cradling Nene in his lap, brushing any stray strands of hair out of her face. The apparition looked almost glad when the exorcist entered the scene.
“Did you get her to sleep?” He knelt down to sit beside them but was halted by his friend doing the opposite. Hanako expressed guilt as he lifted his assistant into the air.
“Not willingly.” He didn’t seem happy when he transferred the sleeping girl into the blond’s arms. “Let’s get her to the infirmary.”
Nene shivered constantly during their trip to the main building. Tsuchigomori made it clear she wasn’t sick but offered no alternate reason for her trembling. Nevertheless, they tucked her in comfortably and let her rest. Hanako had Hakujoudai keep an eye on her as he and the others left the room.
Later, Nene woke up with bubbling anxiety threatening to burst out of her chest. Later, Hakujoudai would report her whimpering in her sleep. Later, Hanako would pull Kou aside to formulate a plan to help their dear friend.
The fear within her only grew.
Hanako never left her side after that incident, even when she made it clear she was upset with him. It wasn’t his fault, he’d only been trying to help. But something about being put to sleep without consent chipped away some trust between them. She forgave him, of course she did, but he wouldn’t cease his worrying. The eyes constantly following her grew tiring. He meant well but this was overbearing.
His worry had the opposite effect than intended. She became more closed off.
“Yashiro.”
I’m tired.
“You know you can talk to me, right?”
I don’t have anything to say.
“Why don’t we take a break? What do you want to do today?”
I don’t want to do anything.
“Yashiro?”
“I...” His worry made her feel so, so guilty. Eye contact made it worse. Suddenly she felt all alone. It was getting harder to breathe. She couldn’t form a sentence. She rasped, “I...”
“Senpai.” When did Kou appear? She looked up to see him bringing a bottle of water to her lips. “Drink this.”
Hanako observed the way her body slumped against him as she chugged the water provided. Nene took a deep breath. Her heart rate slowed from its pounding. “Yashiro, are you okay?”
Not really, but, “Feel better.”
“Have you eaten yet?” Kou pulled out an assortment of bread. She shook her head.
“Haven’t been feeling hungry.” It took all her strength to speak loud enough for them to hear. Nene wished there was something that could help her convey her feelings without vocalizing it. Kou frowned.
“You need to eat.” He offered the bread to her and she picked out the melonpan. The middle schooler offered the last two to Hanako before claiming the left over for himself. Nene took a bite from her bread and chewed at a snail’s pace. Swallowing was difficult, but she couldn’t decide if it was because the bread was dry or because her body didn’t want to take it in.
“I’m not really hungry right now.”
“No can do. You have to eat something.” Hanako nudged her disapprovingly. “I’ve noticed, you know. You’ve been skipping meals.”
“Do you want me to make you something?” Kou turned to look at her from her other side. She shook her head.
“I can do it.”
She could have, but she didn’t. Nene would suffer the consequences for the duration of a week.
When she called her mother over the phone about how sluggish and sleepy she’d been, she was told that it was probably iron deficiency.
“Have you been eating properly?”
“Mhm,” Nene lied, stifling a yawn. Her eyelids drooped as she sat at her table with a small bowl of cereal.
“Are you sure? Do you want me to—“
“I’m fine, don’t worry. I’ll try to fit more meat into my meals.”
“Okay, but if you need anything, you know you can call me.”
“I know.” But the guilt and shame of needing to depend on her parents even after she said she could manage by herself stopped her from doing so. “Bye Mom.”
She felt sleepy. She didn’t want to sleep. If she wasn’t dead on her feet, she was spending half the day snoozing. Her mind was active yet her body wouldn’t respond. She had to stay up. She finished her bowl of soggy cereal drowned in milk. Eventually she was able to walk around without feeling the need to lay down.
And when night rolled by?
She had so much energy she couldn’t bring herself to close her eyes. She woke up feeling exhausted. The cycle continued.
In hindsight she should have told someone, anyone really.
Hanako was in a meeting and so Hakujoudai was left to watch over her. Kou was going to be late but she was always thankful for his help. It was quiet. With nobody to converse with, Nene was left to her thoughts. It went back to that taboo topic.
I’m going to die.
What about the vegetables she was going to plant next year? She wanted to see time pass, the seasons come and go.
I’ll never be able to see them grow. I’m going to die.
What about her stunning college debut? She was supposed to catch the eyes of so many boys who’d fall in love with her.
I’m not going to graduate high school. I’m going to die.
What about her first drink? Would it be an aching burn or a tingling hindrance? Would she be able to hold it or would she pass out drunk after the first few?
I’m not going to live to see that day. I’m going to die.
What about her dream of wearing a wedding dress? The one moment she always fantasized about, one of the biggest and most important days in her life.
I don’t want to die.
Ah, her eyes were getting teary, her vision was becoming blurry.
Stop. Stop thinking about it. You need to stop, stop stop stop—
Water, she needed water. She needed to calm down.
Nene hobbled to her school bag and fumbled around for her bottle. Her hands were shaking. It trembled. The cap fell to the ground. She brought the bottle to her mouth, tipped it over, and choked. The bottle hit the floor and spilled its remaining contents onto the floor.
Too late.
Too late.
Too late.
She hacked. Her sobs racketed through her body. Her lungs burned as she tried to regulate her breathing to no avail. Scales were forming along her skin, from the trails from her eyes to her cheek to her hands. She was going to explode, she wanted to let it all out.
“Hito...da-a-ama-cha...” Where were they? “Hitodama-chan?”
They were nowhere to be seen. Maybe it was for the best. With nobody in sight, Nene let her tears freely stream down her face. Dabbing her eyes, she continued to weep. She thought nothing. As embarrassing as it was to cry out of the blue at school, it felt so good to finally let go.
“Senpai? Are you okay?” Nene jolted at the sudden question. Standing by the doorframe and hesitantly taking a step inside was Kou. One of the souls that made up Hakujoudai flew to her in worry. She scrubbed her face free of tears.
“I’m...” What should she say? What should she do? “I’m not okay.” It felt cathartic to admit the truth. “I haven’t been for a while.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” He sat down on the still unclean bathroom floor and patted the spot beside him. His smile was small yet encouraging. Nene took to her seat willingly.
“It’s silly, really. I’ve just been overthinking.”
“Anything that makes you cry isn’t silly.”
“I’ve been thinking about, you know. My lifespan.” Taking a deep breath, she admitted, “I scared. I don’t want to die yet.”
“You’re not going to die. We’re looking for a solution, right? Hanako seems like the kind of guy who can pull off a miracle. And while we’re looking, he and I will protect you no matter what.” Kou clenched his fist. “We’ll figure things out, so don’t think too hard about it. We’ll pull through. We always do. Have faith in us.”
“Okay.” Nene whispered. Something stirred inside her at his declaration. Relief? Happiness? Hope? She felt tears accumulating once more. When was the last time she ever felt so comforted? Kou awkwardly patted her head but continued with more confidence upon receiving a positive reaction.
“Everything will be alright.”
“Yashiro!” Hanako flew into the bathroom at supersonic speed and pulled the girl into a tight hug, Hakujoudai close by. Releasing her, he tilted her face and asked, “Are you okay? Are you hurt? Did something happen?”
“I just had a talk with Kou-kun.” When she smiled, she saw the world become brighter. The boys froze at the sight. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s just nice to see you smile again.”
Step one to recovery was to fix her sleep schedule, according to her friends. Nene promised to get better sleep as she waved goodbye to Hanako at the school gate. Kou had offered to walk her home and it pained her to see that they lived in the opposite direction because that meant more work for him.
“See you tomorrow, Senpai.” He waved his phone in his hand. “Shoot me a text or call me if you need anything.”
“I will.” She waved goodbye before shutting the door once he was out of eyesight.
She slept well that night.
She did not wake up well the next morning.
Her eyes were red and puffy when she walked into the classroom, head bowed in slight embarrassment. She thought she’d spilled all of her anxiety and fear for her fate the day before. Why was she still so emotional just thinking about it?
“Nene-chan, are you okay?” Aoi sounded guarded, careful of her words and careful for the response. Nene looked at her slowly.
“A little tired, that’s all.” She smiled a small smile, trying to convey genuine care. “But thank you.”
“Let me know if you need anything,” Aoi patted her hand and took her seat as the teacher entered the classroom.
Nene took a deep breath, mindful of the ghost taking his spot behind her. Today would be better. And if not today, then someday. She took out her textbook, ready for another day of class.
She sometimes had sudden bouts of anxiety during the day. It took hold of her body, making her stomach twist at nothing and making her unnecessarily panic about something. Hanako was there though. He cared little if it looked weird to see a bottle of water uncapping and floating to her lips.
She would guzzle the water down, uncaring about any potential stomach aches, and thank the ghost before taking the bottle herself and resting it on any nearby surface. And then he would sit beside her and carefully run his fingers through her hair as she continued on with the lecture.
It was undeniably warm despite his skin being ice cold. It made her feel safe.
Kou had immediately taken it upon himself to make Nene’s meals when she admitted to most likely having iron deficiency. Ever the mindful person, he had taken into account her still small appetite and would never be offended when she told him she couldn’t finish the meal he’d cooked for her.
“You’re eating more,” he seemed relieved after she’d finished her lunch. It was only halfway eaten, but she promised to eat the rest for dinner. “You only ate the meat and vegetables when we started.”
“It’s getting better,” she agreed. Hanako was idly sitting besides her, staring at the passing clouds.
“When you get your full appetite back, we’ll have a little party.”
“That sounds fun!” Nene looked to the school mystery on her right and poked his cheek, bringing his attention back to them. He looked at her questioningly.
“What type of food do you want for the party?”
“Donuts.” He answered without needing to think. The humans laughed.
“Thought so.”
“That’s just what I thought you’d say, Hanako-kun.”
“What else is the party having?” He grumped. They continued to giggle at his sulkiness.
“What if we have games?”
“Like King’s Game from last time?”
“Yeah! Except no supernatural items, right Hanako?” Kou looked suspiciously at the ghost. Hanako shrugged.
“If you guys want a boring party then—“
“Better safe than sorry.”
“Mhm.”
“But why?!” They gave him a dead eye stare.
“Why do you think?” Kou even put emphasis on their unimpressed reaction by tapping his staff. Hanako shivered.
“Point taken.”
If there was a time Nene felt really selfish, it was when she hesitantly asked to stay over for the night at school.
“Why?”
“What’s wrong?”
“For the night?”
“What about your hamster?”
Questions were sent her way the moment she asked. Nene looked down at her shoes and whispered.
“I don’t want to be alone.” She looked back up to meet their eyes with her shoulders slumped. How cowardly , she chided herself, to be so scared for the next morning that you want to stay with your friends.
“Senpai, have you been sleeping properly?” Kou asked. The bags under her eyes never let up despite her efforts and it showed. She shook her head.
“I get nervous every time I wake up.” So I try to stay awake for as long as possible to avoid that moment.
The boys looked at each other before glancing back at her. Hanako reminded her, “The school’s not the best place to spend the night over. Why not go to the kid’s house?”
“But I want you there with me too.”
“But it’s inconvenient to stay here overnight, right? No showers, no food. You have that hamster back home to take care of too.” Hanako quickly compromised. “If you can find ways to circumvent these issues, I won’t argue with you.”
“What if I go home to eat and wash myself before coming back?” Nene fidgeted with the hem of her dress. Her ghostly friend raised an eyebrow.
“What about Black Canyon? What will your parents think if they hear you’re spending all your time at school?”
“I, um, I can have— uh...” She fisted a handful of her uniform.
“Senpai, have you talked to them at all about what’s been going on recently?” Kou questioned. His face morphed into shock when she shook her head no. “That’s no good at all! Aren’t they worried about you?”
“I always planned to tell them, honest!” Nene began to tear up. Furiously wiping them away before they could spill to the ground she said, “I just end up crying every time I think about it. I’ve been really emotional these days.”
“Do you want me to go with you?” Kou asked. Nene shook her head. This was personal, it wouldn’t make sense to have someone involved in a family matter no matter how comforting it would be. Besides, her parents were kind. They were understanding.
“It’s fine. I’ll talk to them myself.”
“I’m rooting for you!” Kou pumped his fist in the air as they gathered their bags. Nene nodded in appreciation. Hanako slithered between them and circled his arms around his assistant.
“Once you manage to sort things out, I’ll be here waiting.”
“Thank you.”
Being the highly sensitive person that she was right now, it was no surprise that she ended up crying into her parents arms the moment her own mother began to cry. She’d finally said it. Not of her lifespan of course, but about how she’d been faring. How she woke up scared, how she went through the day getting back in her groove, how she dreaded the night and the next day to come. She told them she'd lied to them when she said she was fine and that she was sorry.
And they were sorry too. Sorry for not seeing the warning signs, for not helping her when she needed support, for failing to be parents she could depend on. Nene adamantly told them it wasn’t their fault. It’s never their fault. They did the best they could. She was doing the best she could.
Because she had friends that care for her deeply. Because she had parents that loved her from the bottom of their hearts. Because she recognized that sometimes these days will come. But there were also happier days waiting for her too.
Her parents stayed with her until she fell asleep that night. It was a dreamless yet calm sleep.
They huddled on their own bed in the infirmary, curtains pulled aside so they could all see each other. On the ground by the foot of the bed were their school bags and another pack filled with necessities. Nene made sure her water bottle was easily accessible.
“My parents are taking care of Black Canyon for the time being. I told them I’d be spending some nights with my friends.” Her sleepwear was much more conservative tonight, mindful of the company she was with. “So they won’t be worried if I don’t stay home sometimes.”
“I’m glad things worked out.” Kou whispered as they stared at the ceiling. Hanako nodded.
“How many nights do you need?” He played with the buttons on his uniform. Twisting them between his fingers he continued, “You don’t plan to live here after all.”
“I don’t know,” Nene answered truthfully.
“Take all the time you need.”
Admittedly, waking up in Hanako’s arms would have made her hyperventilate at the romantic connotations of the situation on any other day. Today was not any other day.
The pressure on her stomach made her panic in the not so kind way. And when she tried to tug him off of her, his grip tightened. “Hanako-kun! Hanako-kun, I need water—“ He immediately let go.
“Sorry! Sorry...” He let her scoop the bottle from her bag and watched her greedily inhale the water. “I didn’t mean to...”
“It’s fine.” On the next bed over, Kou was still snoring away. She looked at the time. She still had some time before she needed to change. She could still catch a few minutes of sleep. But...
“Woah—“ Nene pulled Hanako into a hug as her heart rate returned to normal. He carefully patted her back. “Are you okay?”
“Mhm.” She nodded into his chest. He was cold, shocking her back to her senses. But he was warm, keeping her safe in his hold. She liked it. “Thank you. For everything.”
“You gonna thank the kid too?” He twirled a strand of hair and brought it to his lips. “Or is this service reserved for me?”
“Of course I’m thanking Kou-kun!” She playfully kicked him in the shin.
“But the hug?”
“I’m doing it.”
“Why?!”
“Shh!” Nene pointed at the exorcist. He’d grumbled in annoyance before turning his back to them and snoozing on. “And I’m hugging him for twice as long as I did with you.”
“This disparity... I won’t stand for it!”
“Then sit.” Nene sat him onto the ground and pulled the curtains shut before he could make a comeback. She rummaged her extra pack for her uniform. Humming a small tune her mother used to sing as a lullaby, she slipped on her school dress. When she pulled the curtains open, she saw the ghost kneeling with his back to her. Huh, who knew he could be chivalrous when he wanted to. She knocked his head.
“All set?”
“Yep.” And as he finally faced her, his smile so gentle and warm, she grinned.
Today would be a good day.