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Time seemed to run in reverse as Neil bent his head and brought his mouth to Andrew’s forearm. Andrew held his breath as he felt Neil’s lips touch the lines crisscrossing his skin. It felt reverential.
It felt soft.
And in that moment, Andrew felt fragile. Like spun sugar, he thought, cataloguing the sensation even as he held out his other arm for Neil to kiss. Neil looked up at him, his ridiculous eyelashes fluttering, and smiled.
“Josten,” Andrew said in warning and Neil looked away, gently lifting Andrew’s arm and placed a firm kiss. It sizzled through Andrew, flaying him open, lighting him from within. He pulled his arms back and shook his head. “Yes or no,” he asked instead and Neil whispered “yes” into the palm of his hand. Andrew cradled Neil’s face in his hands and catalogued every inch of his skin, the shape of eyes, his nose, his mouth. He drew a finger along his cheekbone, bumping where scar met skin. He did it every day. He would do it every day.
“Andrew,” Neil whispered into the space between them, and Andrew shut him up.
“Have you packed yet?” Neil mumbled against his lips and Andrew hummed in response.
Neil had been quietly thrilled – the way his face would to forget to look worried when faced with a surprise without any strings attached – when Andrew suggested they go on a road trip that summer.
“Are the others coming too,” he’d asked over his shoulder as he’d gotten out of the car, trying to be offhand about it.
“No,” Andrew had said.
Neil had beamed and it hurt Andrew in the best ways.
Now, in the darkness of their empty dorm, Andrew touched his hand to Neil’s neck and said “yes”. He gasped as he felt Neil’s lips skim the hollow of his throat, the ghost of a kiss dissolving fleeting and fast.
“Too bad,” Neil mumbled into his skin, sending vibrations running down Andrew’s chest. “I haven’t even begun.”
Andrew rolled his eyes, “You’re an idiot.”
“No,” Neil disagreed cheerfully. “I just have a lot more experience in packing at short notice.”
Andrew slid his hand into Neil’s curls and pulled him away from his neck, only to crash their mouths together. He felt like an exposed wire, like a bomb that could go off at the slightest brush of Neil’s breath against his throat. He gripped Neil tighter and nudged him against the wall, and felt him smile against his mouth.
“I gave you a fuck ton of notice,” Andrew rasped, swiping Neil’s lower lip with his tongue, feeling him shiver against his body.
Neil’s eyes fell shut. “Liar,” he mumbled. “You told me this morning.”
Andrew felt Neil’s hands travel down his arms and grip his hands. “That’s a fuckton, Neil.”
Neil pushed Andrew away and then tugged him closer with his hands. Andrew looked at him quizzically and shifted around until he was kneeling between Neil’s outstretched legs. The dorm beds weren’t made for confessions in the dark, he grumbled to himself, his eyes tracking Neil’s every movement.
Neil put Andrew’s knuckles to his mouth and pressed into his skin the gentlest of kisses. Andrew burned; he felt his cheeks heat up, feeling warm and ice cold at the same time. Neil looked up at him, his eyes cold fire ratcheting up the heat until it was white noise beating its way through Andrew’s body.
“You didn’t tell me where we are going,” Neil murmured, as though raising his voice would shatter this thing building between them.
Andrew held his gaze and asked, “Where do you want to go?”
Neil shook his head and tilted his head back. Andrew wanted to trace the line of scars from cheek to neck with his tongue. He pressed closer and lifted their joined hands to Neil’s face and brushed a few stray curls from his forehead. Neil’s gaze softened imperceptibly. Andrew hated it.
“What is it, Neil?”
Neil tugged Andrew’s hands closer and flipped them over, exposing his wrists. Andrew had done away with the armbands the moment he had stepped into the room, sensing that Kevin wouldn’t be back anytime soon. He watched, wary, as Neil traced the veins on his wrist with the tip of his forefinger. His breath stuttered when Neil kissed the inside of his wrist.
“Neil,” he grit his teeth and watched Neil look at him with alarm.
“Is that a no?”
Andrew exhaled through his nose. He catalogued the sensation and played it over and over in his head. It was not unpleasant, but it left him exposed. He hated it.
He shook his head. “No,” he said, gripping Neil’s hand when he made to pull away. “Do it again.”
Neil smirked and pulled his other wrist closer, placing a kiss right on his Andrew’s pulse point, licking it, knowing full well it would make Andrew shiver. Andrew bit down a swear word and glared at Neil.
“Tell me,” he said, ignoring the way his stomach pleasantly bottomed out when Neil pressed his knuckles to his cheeks and closed his eyes.
“Tell you what, Andrew?” Neil mumbled, holding his hands tighter before proceeding to kiss the tip of every finger.
Damn you, you fucker, Andrew thought angrily, as Neil made and unmade and remade every standard that Andrew had so far held his experiences against.
“Tell me where you want to go,” Andrew said as patiently as he could, letting Neil kiss the fingers of his other hand.
Neil’s gaze flickered up to meet his and he lifted his head slightly. Andrew sighed and kissed him. Again. And again until he was the one pressed against the wall, Neil’s weight on his lap.
“Is this okay,” Neil asked, worried and Andrew nodded, his insides sloshing like molten liquid.
“It is okay.”
Neil hummed. “You won’t like it,” he sighed, shifting around on Andrew’s lap till he got comfortable and lay his on Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew frowned into Neil’s hair. “That’s for me to decide, don’t you think?”
Neil shrugged, tilting his face up. “Yes or no?”
Andrew raised his eyebrows. “To what?” From this distance, Neil’s smile landed like a heart attack.
“To kissing your face,” Neil nuzzled his face in the crook of his neck, ripping a shiver out of his surprised body.
“Go ahead,” Andrew gestured, one hand ruffling Neil’s hair, the other on the small of his back, holding him in place. “But what won’t I like?”
Neil gently gripped Andrew’s chin and kissed his cheek. Andrew was so startled he shuddered without meaning to, feeling the way Neil’s smile went from 1 to 100 right against his skin.
“Neil,” he choked out and Neil pulled away.
“No?”
Andrew pulled him back close. “Yes.”
Neil tilted Andrew’s face the other way and placed a kiss on his other cheek. Andrew’s eyes fluttered shut. He was sure his entire face was flaming. Neil kissed his cheek again, firmer, making Andrew lean into the touch.
“I’d go anywhere you do,” Neil breathed against his neck.
“Josten,” Andrew gripped his shoulder tighter. “Your goddamn neck fetish.”
“What about it?” Neil replied cheekily, laughing into Andrew’s shoulder. Oh how Andrew hated him.
“Don’t anywhere me,” he fought back, valiantly, uselessly.
“Don’t fight the truth Andrew,” Neil shot back, tangling his fingers with Andrew’s, sending sparks blooming across his fingertips.
“Tell me then,” Andrew demanded, digging his fingers into Neil’s hip. “Tell me, if you don’t want me to fight it.”
Neil pushed forward until their noses brushed together. “Um,” he said and dropped a kiss on the tip of Andrew’s nose. “I want to go to the lost coast.”
Andrew dragged his hands up Neil’s body, drawing a gasp out of him. He cupped the back of Neil’s neck and kissed him, desperation driving him forward until Neil clung to his shoulders. “California?” he rasped. Neil shuddered against him and nodded, flopping against Andrew’s chest.
He carded his fingers through Neil’s hair and looked out the window absently, noticing the way the streetlight filtered in. “Why?”
“My mother,” Neil offered, pulling on the strings of Andrew’s hoodie. “I-”
Andrew smoothed back Neil’s hair and kissed his temple. “You?” he prodded gently. Neil nuzzled even closer. “I buried her there.”
Andrew stilled momentarily. “Buried,” he said, voice flat.
Neil hummed and Andrew resumed carding his fingers through his hair. “Why,” he said again.
Neil pushed himself up. “Why did I bury her or why do I want to go back?” Andrew tugged at his ear, “What do you think?”
Neil moved out of Andrew’s arms and sat back. “Will you be okay with it?”
Andrew looked back at him in wonder, annoyed and incredulous in equal measure. “Will I be okay? How is that fucking relevant?”
“It is,” Neil insisted. He shifted, kneeling between Andrew’s legs. “It matters.”
Andrew folded his arms across his chest. Neil looked at him, pulling out a loose thread from his shorts. Andrew sucked in a breath, “What about you?” Neil sat up and pulled Andrew’s legs up, resting his palms on his knees.
“I’ll probably freak out,” he shrugged, faking a nonchalance Andrew did not believe, not for a second. And then Neil bent down and kissed Andrew’s knees and Andrew wondered how he had strayed so far out for the man in front of him without realising it.
“Did you just kiss my fucking knees?”
Neil smirked, his hands gripping his calves. “Yes.”
Andrew’s head thunked on the wall as he tilted his head back. “I hate you, Neil.”
Neil lifted Andrew’s ankle and pressed a kiss there, ignoring the way Andrew shivered – involuntarily, wholly unexpectedly. “I know.”
Another kiss. “I know.” Another truth.
Andrew held Neil’s wrists, making him look up into his eyes. “Neil,” he bit out. “What are you doing?”
“Don’t you like it?” Neil asked and Andrew had no option but to say the truth then.
“I do,” he tried, grappling with himself and failing to find a footing as sensations flooded through him, foreign and welcome. Who fucking kisses knees, he thought savagely to himself.
“You have a knee kink.”
“No,” Neil climbed back into his lap, kissing him soundly, making heat burst across Andrew’s chest. “I have a you kink.”
“I regret the day I met you,” Andrew sniffed.
Neil laughed, sending the sound quaking through Andrew’s entire body. “I should be regretting the day I met you. You slammed a fucking racquet into my stomach.”
Andrew’s lips quirked – not a smile, but also a smile. “Exy’s a violent sport.”
“We weren’t on the damn court,” Neil huffed. “Asshole,” he added fondly and rubbed the tips of his fingers on Andrew’s jaw, his thumb seeking the soft spot behind Andrew’s ear, reducing him to a shivering mess.
“Okay,” Andrew announced to the room after a solid minute and a lapful of squirming Josten.
“Hmm?” Neil squinted at him.
“Freak out all you want.”
“Are you sure?” Neil whispered against his lips.
“Are YOU,” Andrew asked.
“I want this,” Neil said, conviction steeling his voice.
“Then we’ll go,” Andrew tilted his head to the left, assessing Neil’s expression.
Neil surged up and wrapped his hands around Andrew’s neck. “Th-”
“Don’t say that,” Andrew tensed. Neil stilled for a brief second and then reached out to kiss Andrew’s forehead.
“Okay. Okay, I won’t.”
Andrew pushed Neil onto his back and straddled his thighs. “Enough of the teasing now.”
Neil grinned up at him, slow and lazy. “Who said it was teasing?”
Andrew was thankful for the lack of the light in the room, because his face, in that moment, could light a thousand fires.
“Go fucking pack,” he pushed a grumbling Neil out of the bed and pulled the covers up to his chin, subtly inhaling Neil’s scent.
---
Time seemed to run in reverse as Andrew watched Neil take a hesitant step onto the beach. He stayed back and dug his toes into the sand, feeling it burrow into the spaces between his toes. The wind whipped his hair back from his face, salt stinging his lips.
They were three weeks into their road trip, finally at the place where Neil wanted to be. Andrew glanced at him, squinting against the sunlight beating down. Neil’s shoulders were tense, his posture rigid. Andrew sighed to himself and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, giving Neil a few more minutes.
Andrew realised what Neil had been doing with his innocuous kisses two days into their trip when he had straddled Andrew’s lap in the Maserati, steering wheel digging into his back, and kissed the bridge of his nose. Andrew had stared at him, feeling like a fool for not catching on earlier.
If Neil was determined to give him new memories to go along with his touch, then he would do the same for him. He walked now, feet burrowing into gritty sand and reached Neil. The waves were gentle at this time of the day. Neil stared into the distance, gaze blank, breaths laboured.
Andrew tugged on his elbow, “Yes or no?”
“Yes,” Neil whispered, turning to look at him, the wind snatching the words as soon as they left his mouth.
Andrew placed his hands on Neil’s hips and hugged him from behind, pressing up against his back until there was no space left between them. He felt Neil stiffen, unused to contact from behind, and then relax bit by bit until he was sloppy and content in Andrew’s arms.
“Are you freaking out yet?” Andrew murmured into his shoulder and then gently bit down.
“No,” Neil yelped. “That tickles.”
Andrew held back a smile at Neil’s surprise and reached up to kiss the back of his neck, in the exact place that grounded him best.
“Begin, if you want to. I’m right here.”
Neil’s hands came to rest over his. Time slowed to a trickle.