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“Pick a side! There’s no inbetween you freak!”
“Gou says he’s not a boy anymore! Ha! Like I’ll ever call him they.”
“It’s just a phase! He’ll come back to his senses soon enough.”
The ringing, it won’t leave. My throat, my eyes. Why are they on fire? Why can’t I breathe? Air just doesn’t disappear like that. Is someone calling to me?
“Gou!”
It’s so distant. Too much energy is needed to reach out-
“Gou!”
Still too far… help me… touch me, bring me back to reality.
“Pikachu, what do I do? I don’t know how to help.”
“Chu…”
Warmth. All over. My shoulders. My back…
“Gou, you’re safe,” a voice cracks. “I’m here, Pikachu and Scorbunny too.”
“Bun!”
Closer.
“Gou, you are loved.”
The light is blinding. I will get through.
I peer through eyelashes, waiting for my pupils to adjust to the light change. My vision remains blurred. The air is sharp, filling my nose and chilling my still burning throat. I breathe deeply, willing myself back to reality.
Blinking once, twice, the stone pathway below me becomes clear. Little wet patches mark the stones. I begin to recognize my surroundings, the placement of benches, the hopscotch pad, and trees surrounding the fenced-in area: I'm at the park near the Sakuragi Laboratory. A light breeze passes nipping my damp cheeks.
Damp?
Cautiously removing one hand from the ground I feel my cheek. A droplet of water runs down my hand, my arm, and eventually dribbles onto the ground.
Oh, I’m crying.
“Gou…” a voice softly begins in front of me. Taking another deep breath in, I revel in the feeling of air rushing down my throat before willing myself to look ahead. Ash is in front of me sitting on his knees, Pikachu on his lap, hands combing through fur. I find myself in a mirror position of Ash, although with Scorbunny at my side rather than in my lap. Said pokemon is staring at me intensely, seemingly worried.
I return my gaze to Ash, observing his face. His eyebrows are furrowed, the skin around his eyes are puffy and rubbed raw, and tracks where tears have fallen down his face are visible. Tears continuously sneak from his eyes, which he quickly swipes away.
He looks like- well, he looks like shit. I suppose I look no better.
Ash swallows, catching my attention and asks, "Can I touch you?" I bow my head to focus my eyes on my hands, anywhere but Ash right now.
Doesn't he know how disgusting I am? Did he not hear what those schoolkids said about me? I'm a freak. I'm disgusting. I am worthless. Why does Ash even bother to continue caring about me, nevermind continuing to be my partner.
I shake my head back and forth, afraid to speak.
I will not let Ash touch me. I cannot taint his pure personality. He's better off without a freak like me. Who was I to decide what my identity is?
"I don't know what happened here at the park before I showed up, but whatever it was to cause you to curl up on the ground like this must have been upsetting to you." Tears began to well up in his eyes once again. He leans forward, almost moving in my direction.
I shift to stand up, brushing my hands off on my pants. “It was nothing, just some kids I used to go to school with.” I even force a small smile in an attempt to back-up my words. Ash continues to look at me, concerned, but doesn’t push the subject further.
“Well if you ever want to talk about it, or anything I’m here for you, always. I love you,” A sharp pain pulses through my chest at those words.
Why he continues to love me I do not understand.
Pikachu jumps from the ground to scurry up Ash’s back and perch on his shoulder. “Pika!” Pikachu squeaks in agreement with its trainer.
I nod and say nothing in return. Ash’s grin unwavers, but his eyebrows drop just the slightest, eyes losing their shine.
“So… should we head back to the laboratory?” he asks.
“Yes.”
We walk in companionable silence side by side, our pokemon trailing behind giggling to one another and dashing playfully. Ash opens the door for both of us to the living quarters of the laboratory. Our noses are immediately assaulted by the smell of whatever concoction Mr. Mime has decided to cook up for supper tonight. The smells only add to the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“I think I’m gonna skip out on supper tonight, I’m not feeling the best. Take care of Scorbunny?”
My pokemon partner looks up at me with a quizzical look and a small, “Bun?”
“Yup! I’ll make sure Scorbunny gets its supper! You get some rest,” Ash reaches out to gently caress my hand for a moment, then walks towards the kitchen gesturing for the pokemon to follow. Scrobunny pauses for a brief moment to look at me before rushing after Pikachu with a yelp, grabbing its tail and vanishing around the corner.
I bring the hand Ash touched close to my chest, feeling as if it was burned where there was contact. If only burn heals worked on humans.
This is guilt, guilt that Ash could have been so much better off sooner if I realized how ridiculous I was being.
I trudge my way up the old creaky staircase, gripping the railing as I go along. I walk into our bedroom and collapse on the bottom bunk, on top of the colourful sheets Ash insisted on getting to add ‘life to the room’. I promptly flip to face the wall, my back to the rest of the room as a shield of sorts. Curling into a ball does nothing to soothe my stomach, but I could care less at this moment.
I could just tell Ash about all this. He has clearly told me that he accepts me for who I am, and supports my identity… or has he just been saying that? Maybe he just has stuck by me so he can show off how much of a better trainer he is to his pokemon, he doesn’t give a second-thought to my personal feelings whatsoever. Hell, maybe that’s the reason he’s only caught two Pokemon, to prove that he is a much better trainer than me despite only training three pokemon. Show that he can use tough strategies while having a small team. Screw Ash Ketchum. Has his kindness really been just a show the whole time? He’s just like everyone else. I’m so ignorant. I can’t stand this anymore!
The burning feeling in my throat returns, hot tears roll down my face. The need to scream, shout, do anything to get rid of this feeling is strong. Burrowing myself into the blanket cocoon unintentionally created by my shifting and shaking body, nails dig into my exposed forearms. I clench my jaw creating an unpleasant grinding noise from the stress put on my teeth. This isn’t right, but the tension and anger flows out of my body. Tears eventually stop rolling down my face, my jaw slackens, but my nails do not leave my arms. The pain continues as a weight presses down on my chest. My eyes shut lessening the pounding in my head and reluctantly, I drift off to the sound of Pidgey chirping in harmony…
“Gou, I wish you would just talk to me. Ever since we met I’ve wished you would open up more to me. I understand from what Koharu has mentioned that it has just been you and her for the longest time, but I want you to understand that you can lean on me as much as you have with her. I want to be someone you can turn to in full trust. I just don’t know how to tell you in the right way without it sounding like our friendship depends on you opening up about your life all at once. Bit by bit is all I can ask for. Even that I know is incredibly difficult for you, to show anyone that you are hurting at all.”
A soft soothing motion of fingers on my scalp awakes me from my slumber. Ash’s smiling face hovers above me.
“Hey sleeping beauty,” his fingers don’t stop rubbing my head. I let out a small yawn, tear drops form and roll down my cheeks. Tugging blankets over my hands I rub my eyes. They’re cool, I shiver at the contact. “Feeling better?”
Memories of the incident from early return in fragments.
“Pick a side! There’s no inbetween you freak!”
Doesn't he know how disgusting I am? Did he not hear what those schoolkids said about me?
“It was nothing, just some kids I used to go to school with.”
“Well if you ever want to talk about it, or anything I’m here for you, always. I love you Gou,”
He loves me, he wants to be there for me. Okay, I've decided. I'll give him a chance, I'll see if he is truly the person he has made himself out to be, or if he will judge and ditch me like everyone else.
“Yea, I am feeling better actually,” I returned his enthusiastic smile. Taking a deep breath in, and huffing out I ask, “Can we talk?” I stare at his lips for a few beats, waiting for a response.
“Of course!” Ash takes my hand closest to him lying on the bed between his own two. He then begins looking around the room curiously.
“Are you missing something?” I ask, confused by his antics.
He holds up one finger dismissively and winks, “Give me a sec.” Releasing my hand he wanders to the entrance to our bedroom and promptly flicks the lightswitch, turning off the lights overhead. Then, after turning his phone torch on, he makes his way over to the table on the other side of the room, bumping the head of a morelull shaped night light he had gifted me for Christmas. A soft light foods the room, slowly shifting colours.
Still lying in his bed, I wiggle to sit upright with criss-crossed legs leaving space for Ash to sit as well. He chooses to copy my sitting position facing me, much like earlier in the park.
“I was hoping that not being able to see each other as well would allow you to feel more open to speak.”
I blush at his consideration. “Thank you for thinking of that.”
Now it’s in my ballpark to begin.
“You were right, what the kids said to me in the park did cause me to become quite upset. They basically told me I was a freak and exaggerated how it was impossible for me to be neither male or female. I really do not understand why their reactions to me being non-binary affect me so much considering these are the same kids I went to school who made fun of me when I thought I was trans male.” I curl up into myself bringing my knees to my chest, and resting my chin.
“It’s taken me a long time to figure out who I am, I've had so many doubts about my identity. It just really hurts to have someone invalidate my identity having been surrounded by such loving and supportive people the past while, especially you.” I blush, internally grateful once again the room is dark.
“Look,” Ash starts, “I appreciate that you realize that you shouldnt be bothered by what those kids said to you, but at the same time it is perfectly valid that what they said upsets you. They disrespected you and said things that aren’t true. From what I'm guessing these kids have never been open minded, they don't wanna accept our world today. Let the people around you like Koharu, your parents and myself assure you that your identity is valid. Gou, I can definitely say for myself and the others I have mentioned that we are so proud of you for continuing to embrace who you are, despite what has happened in your past, and current incidents like the one in the park today. I love you the way you are, I would never want you to change because of what some moron believes to be true about you.”
He is who he has made himself out to be. He’s Ash Ketchum, a strong and encouraging trainer who has travelled through many regions and has had so many different experiences during his adventures. All Ash wants is to support others with the knowledge he has obtained. My perfect other-centred friend, how could I ever believe he was anything but that?
Overcome by the emotions of my own thoughts and the honesty of Ash’s words I launch myself towards Ash, tears streaming down my face. Our legs tangled together as I wrapped my arms around his torso and buried my face in the crook of his neck. My full out crying leads to constant hiccuping, which he attempts to quell by gently rubbing my back.
“Gou, I want to properly comfort you so I’m going to move us into a better position okay?” Ash whispers between my hiccups. I nod my head in response. Still sitting, Ash reaches to hook my legs under one arm, and loops the other around my side leading to me sitting sideways in his lap. Sensing I’m about to be picked up I wrap both arms around his neck, my face now resting on his shoulder, I notice tears have soaked part of his shirt, and inwardly hope he doesn't mind. He stands up and climbs back into the bed repositioning us so his head lies on the pillow, and I lie partially on top of him, my legs off to the side.
“How’s that?” he asks.
I hum contentedly and tilt my head up to press a light kiss to his jaw. Returning the gesture he presses a kiss to my forehead, then my nose. Both of us crave the closeness. Sprawling my arm over his chest, I cuddle myself further into his side.
Lying peacefully, Ash breaks the silence,“Do you believe me when I say love you?”
“Most days I do. Some days, like today, I have a hard time believing that you want to support me and you aren’t just sticking around for your own gain. What you've told me has reassured my faith in our friendship.”
“I know I told you earlier that you can talk to me about anything, but I just wanted to remind you of that again. I’m hoping that after today you’ll feel more comfortable talking to me about things that bother you, even if I’m the one causing you an issue.”
“I will try my best to be more brave for you in the future, Ash.”
Thump. Thump.
“Those must be our pokemon causing mischief,” I point out. “Should we head down to give Renji and Kikuna a break?”
“No, let's just stay here.” Ash closes his eyes, tightening his arm around my shoulders. “I love you Gou.”
“I love you too.” We lay together listening to the noises of pokemon outside in the evening, while I recount how lucky I am to have met Ash.
I am brave.
Ash and others care about me.
My identity is valid, and I am loved for who I am.