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Zonnige Luchten
Space Oddity
“It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless.” HOPELESS. In his mind, the word “worthless” always morphed into “hopeless” instead. Maybe it was indicative of his state of mind after all, since Robbe couldn’t figure out why he was still listen to this song—and it wasn’t eve his type of music. But here he was, yet again, listening to Lewis Capaldi’s “Before You Go,” on a loop. Was he having his own type of nervous break down? Like the many that he had witnessed his own mother going through? Was his beginning with listening to one song repeatedly, always changing one word, before it progressed into more dangerous areas? Was he going to start yelling at random people soon? Throwing furniture around the house? Attempt against his own life?
No. He was nowhere suicidal. He wasn’t worthless. He knew he wasn’t worthless. That’s why he kept on switching out that one lyric. It didn’t apply to him. But, more often than not, he did know what it felt like to be hopeless. Like the world was on an endless loop, and you were stuck going through the motions all the time, making sure to always wear a smile while you were at it. And slowly, at the edge of his consciousness, he could sense a sort of cold darkness inching in… Emptiness. Emptiness that made everything devoid of meaning, lacking in intensity, having no real purpose, except to get through yet another day.
These were the thoughts that Robbe was lost in as he skated to the park, music blasting in his ears. He never saw the bleached-blonde photographer on the sidewalk before him, and thus, couldn’t catch himself in time--before crashing into him, sending him falling backwards, with Robbe right on top of him, skateboard flying in the opposite direction. It was a surprise to them both, and they just lay there, looking at each other in stunned silence. Suddenly the blonde smiled, a beautiful, blinding smile, and brought his hands to Robbe’s waist. He made no attempt to move him, simply stared into his big, brown eyes, seemingly lost in them.
“I’m so sorry!,” Robbe uttered first, as he attempted to rid himself of the boy’s grasp and pull himself off of him.
“I didn’t mean to! I was just so distracted… I never saw you in front of me!,” Robbe continued. He couldn’t believe he had just done that. He was ready to hear the worst of it, the only logical consequences for his actions. Instead, he couldn’t help but stare open-mouthed and wide-eyed, as the photographer put a hand on Robbe’s shoulder, apparently trying to stop his rambling.
“It’s ok! Accidents happen. To be honest, it was probably my fault… I get so into taking pictures that I don’t notice where I’m going sometimes. I probably stepped in your way, and there was nothing you could do—except run me over.” The blinding smile was back. Robbe could only stare.
“Hey, are you ok? You don’t have a concussion or something, do you?” As he was asked this, Robbe realized that he was staring. Blushing furiously, he tried to pull himself together. He desperately tried for a coherent response, but all he could manage was to stutter.
“Ah. Ok. I see. You’re trying to figure out where my accent is from, is that it?,” the boy asked. To be honest, Robbe hadn’t even heard it. He was to busy, first being apologetic, and then, staring at the heavenly boy in front of him. He was truly at a loss for words. But now, he was also smiling shyly, trying his best not to blush.
“Well, I think that’s something we can discuss later. If you’re ok with that? By the way, I’m Sander. Can I ask what your name is?” Finally, a simple answer Robbe’s dazed brain could supply!
“Oh. Yeah. Of course. Hi Sander, I’m Robbe.” As he said this, he held out his hand for Sander to shake, neither of them ever taking their eyes off of each other. Both stared, entranced, gazes locked, holding hands.
As the skateboard that had earlier been lost came rolling down the street, Robbe seemed to shake himself out of his daze. Sander appeared to realize that he was still holding onto his hand, but made no movement hinting at letting go. It was as Robbe bent down to retrieve said skateboard that the physical contact was lost.
“So, can I ask where you were going? Can I join you? Maybe you can give me a quick tour, if you have the time.” Sander was never one to be easily discouraged, and all he could hope for was that he was not coming on too strong. But, ever since he had come in contact with Robbe, there had been immediate (albeit accidental) physical contact, and he could not bear to part with it yet. He needed to be in the presence of this sunshine boy who radiated warmth, who was welcoming, who was the very definition of happiness.
“Uhm…yeah! I was just going to the skatepark to practice some tricks. I’m sure you can find some interesting places to take pictures of there…” Robbe let his thoughts wander again, wondering why it was getting so incredibly easy to talk to this boy now. Technically, they were still strangers, but he felt as if he had always know him, as if he could strike up a conversation with him about anything and everything, and Sander would get him. No judgement of any sort. Just hearing him out, and understanding him. No pretenses of any kind.
That is how Robbe and Sander found themselves talking into the late hours of the night, sitting on a bench, under a tree, in the skatepark. Lost in conversation, listening to each other, bearing heart and soul. Robbe had not even given it a second thought to telling Sander what he was thinking about at the time of the “accident.” Sander seemed to completely understand what Robbe was talking about, as he launched into the explanation of why his go-to song, when the emptiness was inching in, was Space Oddity, by none other than the one and only David Bowie.
“It’s literally the perfect metaphor for life! You think you’re prepared (that haunting count-down), and then your sent out into empty space as people cheer you from afar. But in reality your alone, and when things go wrong, no one can help you. They start yelling at you, from the outside looking in (to your life), ‘Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong!,’ and it’s like no sh*t! I’m the one that can’t breath out here! You don’t think I know there’s something wrong? And the saddest part, ‘Tell my wife I love her very much, she knows.’ Because sometimes no matter how much people love you, they can’t help you. Some choose to not even stand by your side…and that just…breaks my heart, you know?”
By now, there were tears threatening to spill out of Sander’s eyes. Robbe didn’t think about it twice as he pulled him into his arms and held him tight. They were like magnets, always seeking each other out. That magnetism would have seemed strange to anyone else, but not to Robbe and Sander. They knew each other. They understood each other. They felt each other’s pain. They comprehended the fact that it takes one oddity to understand another.
Let’s Dance
It still brought a smile to Robbe’s face when he thought of that first deep conversation he had had with Sander. When we had so willingly thrown his arms around him, in an effort to comfort him. When he had so confidently uttered the words “I’ll always stand by your side.” He didn’t know where he found the courage to do that, but before he knew it, Sander was holding him tighter, showing him how much he appreciated his words. They had held each other close, needing each other since then.
“Well, if that’s the case, you should give me your number, then.” This time it had been Sander the one to break the embrace, immediately pulling out his phone to give to Robbe, so that he could enter his number. And Robbe had not hesitated in the slightest. That was the thing with Sander. He knew how to inspire you to live, to act, to jump at opportunities—instead of just being stuck in your head, thinking, wondering, worrying. Ever since then, they had not stopped communicating.
Sander had sent the first text messahe about fifteen minutes after they had parted, asking if Robbe knew any more Bowie songs (other the one they had discussed). When Robbe replied that he did, vaguely, Sander immediately saw past the façade and threatened to give him a Bowie test, weekly, and so he had better study up. Robbe only laughed at this, calling him a demanding teacher, but he was happy to play along. What ever the adventure was, if it was with Sander, he was more than willing to go for it. The same was true for Sander, of course.
In the course of their conversations, trusting each other as completely as they did, and always supporting each other, Sander had disclosed that he had Bipolar Disorder. Robbe could only feel for him, as he partially knew what this entailed due to his own mother’s circumstances, and he was sure to tell him this. He also wished that he could be there more for him, but living in different countries didn’t help. Still, Robbe would always stand by Sander, as promised, and so, he always made sure to check in with him, no matter what. Not check up on, but check in. They had both made the distinction very clear.
And so, it came as no surprise to Robbe that, about three months into their relationship, Sander stopped communicating on a daily basis. Robbe knew it had nothing to do with him. He also knew he couldn’t do anything about it, as Sander was not something broken to be fixed. It was something you lived through, something you lived with, something you managed day by day. And the people who love you stand by you, sit with you and cry with you. They hold your hand and let you know they’re there for you, but that’s all they can do. And because he knew this, Robbe continued to send messages to Sander. Sometimes they were just emojis, as a reminder that he was thinking of him. Sometimes they were text messages asking how he was doing (not that he was expecting a response). Sometimes it was voice messages, telling him how his own day had been, going through every detail that reminded him of Sander, and describing to him why that was.
The day that Sander finally video called Robbe, both were beyond ecstatic. Robbe was trying extra hard to be quiet and calm so that he could here everything Sander had to tell him. Sander seemed to have the same idea about wanting to listen to Robbe. When neither spoke, only stared at each other, Sander was the first one to break the silence with his signature snort.
“I bet you thought I wouldn’t call, huh?” His eyes sparkled with mischievousness, even though he still had dark circles under his eyes, silent indicators of what he had just gone through.
“I have to say, this is quite a shock. I was having such a great relationship with your phone!,” Robbe teased, warmth and happiness emanating from him at the sight of Sander, after so long.
“Well, if it’s a relationship you’re after, Robin…,” Sander shot back, smirking uncontrollably, eyes squeezing in mirth, as he noticed that Robbe was blushing furiously. All their banter was back in it’s full glory. It felt as if no time had elapsed at all, as they fell back into their usual back-and-forth.
As their conversation continued, Sander had one more surprise up his sleeve, this time truly leaving Robbe in awe of his next words, for several reasons. With a completely straight face, he began:
“Mijn vriendin, je bent een engel.” Sander waited, carefully gaging Robbe’s reaction to his words. Robbe stared. And then stared some more. Finally, he burst out laughing.
“Um, Sander, your speaking Dutch? And, you just called me your girlfriend?” Robbe continued to giggle, not being able to stop himself. This time, it was Sander’s turn to blush uncontrollably, but he quickly pulled himself together.
“I mean, you know, if you want…,” he retorted. Robbe, still laughing, his eyes full of glee, tried to stop his giggling fit by taking a deep breath.
“I think you meant to say ‘mijn vriend,’ Sander. That means ‘my friend.’ But, why are you trying to learn Dutch?” Robbe was still giggly. Confused, giggly, and so very happy to hear what Sander had said.
“Because, silly man, it helps me feel closer to you. Here we both are, speaking in a language that is foreign to both of us, and yet we keep trying because it’s the only way to communicate with each other. The least I can do is try to speak some Dutch for you, although, you know, it’ll never be perfect.” Sander said this lost in thought, wondering what Robbe thought about this.
“Well, if that’s the case, I should learn your language, too…,” Robbe was in the middle of responding, but Sander didn’t let him finish.
“No. You’re already submitting yourself to my Bowie Exams, and you’ve already proven to be a star pupil. Now it’s my turn to be the student, and you can be my teacher. Besides, when we had the grand fortune of meeting, it was in your beautiful (Flemish) Belgium, so we should pay homage to that with my learning Dutch!,” Sander said, seemingly having it all figured out.
“Ok. But I haven’t taught you anything…,” Robbe tried again. And again, Sander jumped right in, interrupting him in all his excitement.
“Yeah. I was trying to learn through Duolingo, to surprise you… But it gives me the weirdest sentences to practice! Do you know how many times it had me say ‘ik ben sap,’ or ‘ik ben een appel,’ or misschien je bent een eend’ in the beginning? I mean, who ever says that in real life? But I guess it worked cause it was funny, and I learned it!,” Sander said proudly. Now, they were both laughing, enjoying the silliness of the whole situation.
“Besides, the more I learn, the quicker I can return to see you, and then ‘we kunnen gaan schatje,’ again” Sander continued, excitedly. Robbe’s eyes went big with surprise--again.
“Ok. You just called me ‘baby,’ and, where are we going?” Robbe said, starting to giggle again.
“No. I mean, ok, well, yes… But I meant that we could go skate boarding, like the day we met, when you crashed into my life…” Sander couldn’t finish his thought, now laughing as well. He was apparently just throwing himself at Robbe, and Robbe was enjoying it. Of course, of the two, Robbe was the shyest, so Sander knew why he was reacting like that, all blushy and smiley, looking up at him from beneath his lashes. Even through the screen, Sander wanted to…
“Oh, so you meant to say ‘we kunnen gaan schaatsen,’ right?,” Robbe interrupted Sander’s thoughts.
“Yes. Ok. Yeah… It’s just, you know, between ‘je, jou, jouw, u, jij, jullie,’… I’m still trying to learn all of those so I don’t always pay attention to spelling or conjugation and…” Sander was lost in thought. He almost didn’t hear Robbe, whispering softly, as he was about to go into another rant about—
“I know, schatje, I know.” Sander went completely silent, listening to Robbe intently, wondering if he had heard him right. Had Robbe just called him BABY???
“And I also want you to know that, even though you didn’t have to, I appreciate you doing this for me, baby. It’s a very grand and romantic gesture.” As he finished saying this, Sander was staring at him, speechless. Mouth hanging open and everything. Robbe figured this was his time to “go all the way or no way,” seeing as how Sander was apparently still processing… So he took his chance and continued:
“Yes, I want to be your ‘girlfriend,’ if that’s what you were implying earlier. Although honestly, I’d much rather be your boyfriend, your ‘vriendje.’ But really, the term is ‘lief’ which means ‘love’ or ‘lover,’ although that’s not what…” Robbe was rambling now. How had he gotten himself into this mess? What would Sander think of him being so forward? What if—
“Yes! Honderd procent! Please be mijn lief!” Sander’s words tore Robbe out of his panicked state. When he looked up to meet Sander’s eyes, all he could see was pure, unguarded love in them. Those eyes that he could get lost in, that he was currently lost in, swimming to the depths of their very own private world.
“And if we’re being completely honest, Sander, ‘je bent mijn engel.’ You, who helped to remind me get out of my own head, and to remember to live my life. Here and now. With you, altijd.” Sander couldn’t believe his ears. He thought Robbe hadn’t heard that part, after he had started laughing, but apparently, nothing got past this boy. He was always aware of everything, even if he didn’t outwardly show it.
“We’re each other’s dance partner, Robbe. Sometimes you lead and I follow, and sometimes it’s the other way around. But, what matters, is that we’ve got each other. And we’re never letting go.” Sander was always so eloquent. And Robbe could not agree more.
Heroes
Five months after meeting, Robbe and Sander were together. In different countries, but together. They had set a date to meet again in one month, on their sixth month anniversary of meeting for the first time, becoming an integral part of each other’s life. The giddy smiles one provoked in the other would never be hidden again. They were simply a permanent fixture on their faces now, as they went on with their separate lives, but always thinking of each other.
Robbe, for his part, now had his own Bowie favorites, which he would quote the lyrics of to Sander in many of their random conversations. Sander couldn’t be more proud of him, listening intently as Robbe explained why ‘Rebel Rebel’ reminded him of Sander, or how ‘Year Five, Wild is the Wind, and Modern Love’ were currently his top three Bowie favorites. This was by no means saying that he only listened to Bowie now, but he did know how to enjoy his boyfriend’s interests. Of course, he still had his own taste in music, like Future’s ‘Mask Off,’ Josh A and Jake Hill’s ‘Trick R Treat,’ and his personal favorite at the moment, Stormzy’s ‘Own It.’ That song just brought Sander to mind every single time, not that he would ever tell him that. Or, maybe he would…
Sander, on his end, continued to send Robbe Duolingo phrases he was learning. Sometimes they were just plain hilarious, like the last one he’d sent: ‘Waar kunnen we de lichamen verbergan?’ (Where can we hide the bodies?) Then there was ‘Besta ik echt?’ (Do I really exist?) And who could forget ‘Kom uit je grote.’ (Come out of your cave.) And, ‘Hallo. Leef je nog?’ (Hello. Are you still alive?) Robbe, of course, teased him mercilessly, asking if he was having an existential crisis and therefore going into a life of crime and hiding, as the phrases seemed to imply. Then, he upped the ante by challenging Sander to use said phrases in everyday conversations when he was in Belgium again. Sander, always up for a challenge, accepted at once, grinning from ear to ear.
Other Duolingo phrases were incredibly romantic, (for a simple language learning gaming app) and Sander took full advantage of that. He was relentless in sending his boyfriend phrases such as ‘Een dag zonder jou is zoals een tuin zonder bloemen.’ (A day without you is like a garden without flowers.) There was also the frequent ‘Jij bent mijn licht in de nacht.’ (You are my light in the night.) And, the phrase that expressed best how they both felt about each other: ‘Je bent mijn vuur.’ (You are my fire.) Robbe only wished he could kiss his boyfriend silly every time he got one of these messages… His only comfort was that they would see each other soon, as they were both counting down the days now.
Still, Sander was determined to make Robbe a blushing mess, as he sent him one last text message before they met up the next day. ‘We zijn de hele dag thuis gebleven.’ (We have stayed home the whole day.)
“Look, Robbe! It knows our plans! Duo is spying on us!” Sander had tried to say to Robbe, as they video called, in between bouts of laughter. Robbe had immediately called Sander upon receiving his last text, wanting to make sure that he was understanding correctly. Now, as they laughed about their uninvited third party knowing their plans, Robbe found the courage to ask what he had been wondering all along.
“So, tomorrow… We’re…not…leaving home the whole day?” Robbe asked quietly, still giggling, but looking unblinkingly at Sander.
“Yeah, I mean, if you want to… I mean, we don’t have to do anything! I just thought that was really funny in our case cause…” All of a sudden, he was at a loss for words. This did not happen often, but, what had he just done? Had he gone to far? Was he pressuring Robbe? What if—
“No. I want to. I definitely want to. Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page…” Robbe spoke quickly, yanking Sander out of his thoughts, and smiling at him with that blinding smile of his. Sander couldn’t help but smile back, as they looked at each other in quiet contemplation.
“You know,” Sander spoke suddenly, breaking their reverie, “I’m so in awe of us. We’ve come such a long way in such a short time… As Duo would say ‘Het is een lange weg, maar we komen er wel.’ (It is a long road, but we will get there.) Or, better yet, ‘We zullen vallen, maar ook weer opstaan.’ (We will fall, but also get back up again.)”
“I’m so in awe of YOU, Sander! I mean, do you hear yourself? Your practically speaking Dutch now! Robbe couldn’t help but smile even bigger as he said this, his cheeks beginning to hurt, but any pain was worth enduring for this boy.
“And, Sander, you’re right, of course! I completely agree with you! Life isn’t perfect, but we have to make it be to the best of our ability. We are our own heroes, protagonists of our own lives, and I am so thankful for you coming into my life to remind me of it. I am so glad you became a part of my life, someone I can share everything with, someone to love unconditionally.” This time, Robbe did not blush or look away from Sander’s loving gaze. He wanted him to know that he meant every single word in earnest, from the depths of his heart.
“No, Robbe, it is I who am grateful to you for reminding me that tomorrow will always be better. That there is a tomorrow to look forward to, especially if I get to share it with you. The possibilities are endless, when you have the man of your dreams by your side!” Sander’s grin and twinkle in his eye made it impossible to argue with him. Not that anyone would want to, of course. Especially, when he was right. But, if you asked him, we would admit that the present was looking pretty good, too.