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The roads were quiet, with the occasional car driving past the gates of Seido High School. Even then, it was difficult to hear the sounds of cars from where the dorms were placed on the school’s campus. It was especially difficult to hear the earthly sounds, from outside, from inside the dorm room where the two figures occupied themselves.
A few minutes earlier, Eijun had reached the front of Kazuya’s dorm room to ask if he’d be so kind as to catch his pitches for him, despite it being around 1:20 in the morning. The lights in the bullpen could be turned on manually, and this was the time Eijun could have Kazuya all to himself without Furuya completely stealing away Kazuya’s attention to receive the same practice. He knocked lightly, frightened to wake up the next-door neighbors and receive a scolding from the senpais. After a few seconds, there stood Kazuya who was in the process of putting on his squared, black-rimmed glasses before finally focusing his attention on the person who stood in front of his room door. Locking his gaze, Kazuya could see a flicker of determination shine through Eijun’s eyes, and understood what and why he was at his door this— no, this early in the morning.
“Captain—” Eijun exclaimed loudly, before cutting himself off as he saw the exhausted expression fill Kazuya’s face.
He quieted down and spoke at a low tone since there was no reason to be loud… or excited. Instead of jumping straight to what he was going to request, he asked quietly, “Did I wake you up, Cap?”
Kazuya stared at him at the sudden change of Eijun’s demeanor. He knew that Eijun was going to ask to practice catching his pitches again, but the sudden change of concern made him feel a bit glad that his underclassman was showing a bit of responsibility for waking him up at this ungodly hour. At the thought and opportunity to tease the younger boy once again, Kazuya smirked slightly and leaned his body against the door frame.
“Oh? You’re worried about me? But you ignored the possibility that I would be asleep.”
He snickered as soon as he saw a quick change in Eijun’s facial features. Eijun felt conflicted as he was angry at Kazuya for his overuse of teasing but felt regret at the thought of not actually thinking he was asleep, and being inconsiderate of his captain’s sleep schedule. At the loss of words and conflict flashing back and forth on Eijun’s face, Kazuya kept laughing at his expression before pushing himself off the door frame and opening the door slightly to invite Eijun in.
“I was just going through the team’s stats and data, trying to pick out any other hidden gems Nabe recorded for the team we’re going against next.”
He left the door open, as he walked to the corner of the room and bent down to gather up his catcher’s gear. Having not forgotten the look of exhaustion washed all over Kazuya’s face, Eijun quickly stepped inside the room.
“No it’s okay, we don’t have to practice tonight.”
Kazuya stopped his actions and turned to look at Eijun for any sign of expressed emotion that contrasted his words. After noticing nothing of that sort, he stood up straight and crossed his arms as he whined a bit, overdramatically.
“Then what did you want?” He paused and pretended to look shocked. “No way... do you just miss me? Sawamura we saw each other a few hours—”
“No!”
Eijun interrupted him, embarrassed with the teasing Kazuya introduced. Kazuya covered his mouth as he laughed at Eijun’s blushing face. Eijun spoke up again and stuck his nose up and turned to the side curtly.
“Okay, yeah. I did come by because I wanted to practice with you.”
He looked back directly at Kazuya with concern written all over his face, which caused him to choke on his laughter and stop.
“But you look tired Cap! You should get some rest. You already struggle with waking up on time for morning practices,”
Eijun tried to lighten the mood by getting back at Kazuya for pointing out the case and mocking him for it. Hearing that as a response caused Kazuya to sweat a bit because he did have a point— he still struggled with waking up early, even if he was appointed as Captain for his last year here at Seidou.
After a shy moment of embarrassment, Kazuya turned to grab the television remote and grabbed his notebook and pen that laid on his work desk next to his bed. He took a seat on the matted floor, before looking back at Eijun who had just been observing his actions.
“You gonna keep staring at me, or are you gonna take a seat and watch the tape with me?”
About 45 minutes had passed from the time Eijun first came by Kazuya’s door to ask him to practice with him, but Eijun decided it would be better to let Kazuya rest in his room, even if they were still doing something baseball-related.
Eijun sat next to Kazuya as he stared at the screen intensely. He was trying very hard to focus on the video rather than how close his knee was touching Kazuya’s. The thought of being so close to the catcher made him feel embarrassed and shy; this feeling brought a different, new sensation he never noticed by being a few inches apart from Kazuya, and yet he didn’t want to speak up about it. It was a good thing though that he didn’t really need to speak up for Kazuya to get the hint. Kazuya grabbed the remote and put the tape on pause, which caused Eijun to freeze.
‘What is he doing?' Eijun thought, and before he could ask, Kazuya turned to fully face him.
Eijun met his gaze as he turned to face him too, his expression full of confusion. Kazuya slowly raised his calloused hands and set them both gently on Eijun’s cheeks. Eijun continued to stay frozen but focused his attention on Kazuya’s face. Kazuya’s left thumb started to caress his cheek, and soon his right thumb started to mimic the action; his face was completely focused on Eijun’s face as he stared intensely as if he was debating whether or not to do the next thing that seemed obvious.
Their situation escalated from silently watching the tape, making a few comments here and there, to one of them making the first move to kiss the other. It felt as if all this weighted tension had been lifted from Eijun’s chest at the thought of being so intimately close to Kazuya, even if it was a weird, new and different feeling. However, that moment felt short-lived because once Eijun’s lips began to softly detach themselves from Kazuya’s lips, a loud sound blared throughout Eijun’s eardrums.
The loud sound caused Eijun to jolt awake with a loud gasp. He quickly searched for the source of the repeated beeping and found his alarm clock blaring the red numbers of 5:20 am. Silencing the alarm, he took in his surroundings in the shared darkroom. Eijun looked beside his bed, half expecting to see Kazuya, but when he realized that he was nowhere near him and was laying his bed, in his shared room, he sighed and his tense muscles from the shock relaxed. From his top bunk, he looked to the other side of the room to see the empty bed bunk, that was once preoccupied with the third year, Kuramochi. He peered down his own bunk to see Asada’s sleeping figure and focused on the younger boy’s light and soft breathing.
Breakfast in the cafeteria wasn’t supposed to start until 6:30 am, but Eijun had grown the habit of taking a jog every morning and today wasn’t any different. He sighed and moved his hand to wipe off the excess drool from his mouth. The fanatic dream rushed through his head in an instant, and he blushed in embarrassment at the thought of kissing Kazuya, even if it seemed to have filled him up with slight euphoria. He quickly got up quietly to not wake up Asada and rushed to change into a quick outfit to run in. After changing, he quietly reset the alarm to 6:00 am for Asada to wake up on time and then left the room to head to the baseball fields.
The slight, bright light that cast over the horizon was an indication that time was moving, and that Eijun was back to reality— he had to pinch himself and slap his face a few times because of how real the dream with Kazuya felt.
Whenever Eijun had the mornings to himself, he often thought about the team and how he could improve further. The path he normally took was just around the perimeter of the baseball field, so the route was already engraved in his subconscious, which made it easier to let his mind wander to other matters. However, because of this morning’s incident, his head wandered to the dream he experienced.
‘I’ve never thought about Miyuki-senpai that way before. So why did I have that dream?’ Eijun questioned himself.
He tried to shake off the memory and focus more on clearing his head, but they always drew back to the way he felt about Kazuya.
‘This feeling… I can’t describe it. It’s like I feel warm at the thought of being with him, but it also feels like it’s hard to breathe…’
Eijun will admit that he’s always been fond of Kazuya. Ever since he offered to catch for him, when he picked a fight with Azuma, during his last year of middle school, he’s been attracted to the catcher’s strong skills and ability— even when he seemed overconfident or apathetic.
Now, he was a second-year with a stronger infatuation and respect for the third-year, especially after sharing their win together as a battery against Inashiro and fought for a spot in the national championships at Koshien. Their teamwork as partners was excellently demonstrated after the win, so the moments of glory Eijun shared with Kazuya at that moment were dear to him.
After the events of nationals, the third year moved out of the dorms, which explained his ex-roommate’s, Kuramochi, absence. The end of the school year was near, so the third years were still seen around campus… Eijun still saw Kazuya… and they would still play baseball during or after Eijun’s evening practice to catch up.
The more Eijun continued to think of Kazuya, he started noticing some characteristics that he’s read in Jun-senpai’s romantic shoujo manga collection, back when Eijun was a first-year. The main character would notice their attraction towards someone because they would always think about them. Most of the stuff projected onto these mangas were romantic scenarios that caused the main character to blush dramatically whenever they were in contact with the person they liked.
He didn’t realize how tight his chest started to feel until his breathing became heavier like he was starting to gasp for air as he continued to lightly jog around the field.
‘That’s weird, I’ve never gotten this tired from jogging… maybe I’m feeling more exhausted than usual.’
He thought it had to do with the foggy, morning air of the winter season. He slowed down to a walking pace to try and focus on getting his breathing back to normal, but the feeling of sickness was felt from the pit of his stomach and started to reach his throat. He made a beeline for the dorm’s restrooms, abruptly opened one of the restroom stalls, and dropped to his knees as he clutched the sides of the toilet seat. He didn’t know why he felt sick, or what had caused him to feel this way. The feeling of something clouding his throat continued to linger as he tried to force a cough to throw up whatever he needed to. He had eaten the same three portions of rice for dinner, just as he has ever since he first came to Seido, so why was now any different?
Eijun threw a coughing fit, and whatever he tried to throw up was struggling to exit his mouth— he was internally glad that no one else was in the stalls at the same time as him. He didn’t want to concern his teammates when he knew that whatever was happening would pass.
His mind was racing with concern and confusion but it stopped short once he felt the graze of something fall off his tongue and into the toilet. It didn’t feel like liquid, like how it normally felt when one would throw up, so he looked into the toilet and saw a yellow flower petal covered in small red spots, resting on top of the water. He didn’t recognize the type of flower it was from, but it was a light yellow color... not too vibrant but you could pick out which color it was on a color palette.
“A flower petal?? But I didn’t eat any flowers this time!” He exasperated out loud, confusion written all over his face. He wiped his mouth from what he believed was saliva, but when he looked at the back of his hand, he saw dark red spread out.
‘Blood? Did this… from the petal?'
He sat down in the restroom stall, staring back and forth between the soaked and stained yellow petal and his blood-smeared hand.
Eijun was unsure of how much time passed, but once he heard the sound of his teammates close to the restroom entrance, he stood up and flushed away the evidence of the petal and exited the stall. He washed his stained hands and greeted his teammates as energetic as he could before leaving the area. Eijun kept his mouth shut but tried to shake off the feeling of uneasiness and anxiousness as he went through the morning, school, and evening practice.
After the first incident, Eijun continued to have dreams throughout the night and would think about Kazuya throughout the entirety of the day. The only time Kazuya was not running through his mind was during school because they didn’t share any classes together or eat lunch with one another, but the sudden sickness would come on random occasions which brought Eijun to think about the pretty boy catcher anyways.
He’s always clung onto Kazuya, and while anyone could think it was just admiration, the way he felt with Kazuya wasn’t the same when he admired Chris-senpai. Eijun’s attraction only grew more suffocating whenever he had to spend time with Kazuya, or just whenever he was thinking about him. He hadn’t realized any difference in his innocent attraction to Kazuya until his heart would begin to hurt and he would need to take breaks from the training regime. It hit the hardest during intense practice drills since he would over-exert himself, causing him to take constant leaves to the restroom to throw up the sickness that filled up his chest.
Ever since the first yellow petal had come from his mouth, he thought it was a one-time event that would not happen again. But every time he felt sick and went straight to the restrooms, he would throw up more flower petals, and cough up blood. The number of petals increased and he grew scared it would clog the toilet and that he would be questioned by his teammates, so he’d wrap them up in toilet paper and try to hide the ever-growing petals in his designated sock drawer, in his dorm room.
Eijun was also starting to lose his sense of appetite, so he would make up an excuse during breakfast or dinner to only get about half of the regular amount of food normally given to the players. Eijun would even skip eating lunch with Haruichi and Furuya because he would spend the break in the restrooms, or he just wasn’t feeling hungry. The constant event of throwing up flower petals and coughing up blood made him more exhausted to the point where he would have to tell Coach Kataoka that he wasn’t feeling well and skip out on practice.
His attendance and enthusiasm that he brought to the team were diminishing slowly, which concerned the teammates, so Haruichi and Furuya would always try to offer a water bottle or a small snack during school when he started to sweat from the heated fever he would randomly start to develop. They were just as worried as the others but didn’t know what to do for the ace pitcher since he was denying his unhealthy state and would laugh loudly that he felt better than ever.
He knew that he was getting weaker but he persevered through and tried to take some antibiotics he got from the nurse’s office a few days back, but none of the medicine seemed to be alleviating the pain that surged from his ribs to his throat. Eijun had been trying to cover up the fact that he’s been feeling fatigued, but as days continued to pass, he found it harder to breathe. He hadn’t been dealing with this before or during the Summer Tournament, which he is internally glad for since his team finally won against Inashiro, and made it to Koshien. It was a little relieving to know that they had accomplished getting over that big wall…
but that didn’t mean practice got easier.
It was late at night and the team had separated themselves to the dining room, the showers, the field, or the gym. Normally around this time, Eijun would meet up with Kazuya in the bullpen to practice some more of his pitching numbers. Since he hasn’t expressed his conflict to anyone, he wanted to keep up with the practices. Even though he knew it would cause more aching to see Kazuya in the limelight, he wanted to push through just to see him as much as he could before he left for university.
Along with Kazuya, sometimes the other third years would stop by to check on the other members so whenever Eijun looked the slightest bit out of character, Kuramochi would try and wrestle Eijun to get his energy back.
“GAH! Kuramochi-senpai please—” Eijun whined, and Kuramochi and Miyuki laughed their heart out at the boy's reaction.
No matter how much Eijun tried to fight against Kuramochi’s harsh grip around his neck, he couldn’t help but start to cough roughly as he hastily tried to cover his mouth.
“Woah, woah,” Kuramochi immediately let go of Eijun and watched as Eijun took a few steps back to try and resituate himself.
His coughing eventually came to a stop, and Furuya and Haruichi came up next to Eijun to offer him some water and a small towel, which he gladly took in appreciation of his two friends. Kuramochi turned to make eye contact with Kazuya, who was witnessing the whole scene and made a questionable face, to which Kazuya just shrugged his shoulders before they both turned their attention back to the sweating, pale pitcher.
“Hey Sawamura, you good? You looked like you were sulking in your own head over here.”
Eijun wiped the sweat off his forehead, closed the water bottle with the cap, then looked to Kuramochi and put on the biggest smile he could muster up. His coughing fit made him feel more tired, and it didn’t help that he skipped lunch and hasn't eaten dinner yet.
“It’s okay! I’m all good, but I am getting pretty tired though, so I’m going to go wash up and then sleep!” After Eijun smiled at Kuramochi, he turned his back from the four individuals who stood and watched him as he started to gather his stuff.
Eijun continued, “I mean, what’s the team gonna do if they can’t rely on me! AHAHA!”
He laughed loudly, still facing away from the others, who were just watching him in silence. After getting his stuff together, he spared a glance at everyone and started to jog out of the bullpen while waving his hand back but staring straight ahead towards the exit.
“Thank you Harucchi and Furuya! Bye Miyuki and Kuramochi-senpai!”
Kazuya yelled back to him, “That’s senpai to you!,” but Eijun was already speeding out of earshot and heading to the washroom.
With that, Haruichi and Furuya left, whispering amongst themselves as they went back to practicing for the night with the other players, and for a moment it was silent until Kuramochi spoke up loud enough for just the catcher to hear him.
“Hey,”
Kazuya caught Kuramochi’s eyes, and they stared at each other with understanding. After a moment, Kazuya sighed lightly and ran his right hand through his slightly damp, soft brown locks, as he looked towards the exit Eijun had hurriedly run out of.
“I know…” is all Kazuya said.
‘Something is wrong with Sawamura,’ they both thought.
Eijun decided to soak in the hot baths once the area cleared out so that he could have some more time to himself to think.
‘What is wrong with me?’
Eijun didn’t know whether that question was directed towards his overwhelming sickness or the fact that he just left the bullpen without pitching for as long as he planned for. However, he knew that this facade he was holding up would not be strong enough to stay there until he fixed himself.
He didn’t want his teammates to feel burdened.
He didn’t want to upset his coach.
And he especially didn’t want to disappoint the one person who made him come here to this school in the first place.
It was a silly thought, knowing that he was inspired by the prestige catcher. It didn’t help that he finally came to terms with his attraction towards Kazuya, which only fueled his heart to race at the sight of him. Eijun wanted nothing more than to be comforted, understood, and loved by Kazuya— but he knew better than to express his love so openly to someone so important to him.
Eijun let the steaming water soak his pores as he tried his hardest to focus on his breathing, not on Kazuya; he was scared that if he lost focus, he’d start coughing up blood again. He sank himself further into the water and imagined the possibility of getting better sooner. He didn’t know what was going with him, and he felt too stupid to ask others for help.
After practicing with Furuya by catching his pitches for a while, Kazuya called it a night. Since he wasn’t living in the dorms anymore, he had to go back home. Kazuya’s father worked mornings and nights, as usual, so it never really mattered when Kazuya decided to go back to the place he’s lived in since birth. However, he figured Eijun hadn’t eaten dinner, since he just up and left to the washrooms without getting anything to eat with the rest of the team. He stopped by the cafeteria and greeted the younger managers when they greeted him. He successfully was able to grab a plate full of rice and some warm spicy curry.
‘I could totally make this better,’ Kazuya smugly thought, but did not say it out loud in caution of being dragged down by the other managers.
Kazuya waved a quick goodbye once he left the cafeteria, and made his way to Eijun’s room. He didn’t particularly have a plan of how he was going to address his concern for Eijun's health state but hoped it would play out smoothly.
Since he and the other third years didn’t see him as regularly as they used to, they were out of the loop in terms of the team’s wellbeing, unless someone had told them directly or they’d seen it for themselves. With what he’s been told though, from others, was concerning, since it seemed uncharacteristic for the bright, spirited boy to be so down. Sure, Eijun did have the yips in his first year but Kazuya was confident that whatever phase Eijun was going through, it’d wash over in no time, like in the past.
Eijun had worked extremely hard to get the ace number, even stealing it from Furuya, to be able to be in the starting lineup and be as reliable as he could be as a pitcher. However, with the way, he was handling himself, Kazuya wouldn’t be surprised if Eijun was ordered by Coach Kataoka to not play, to give up the ace number, or possibly be placed on the second string.
Kazuya didn’t want it to come to that, so he promised himself to do more for Eijun as much as he could— to be as reliable as he should be as captain, catcher, and as Eijun’s partner.
After his bath, Eijun headed to his dorm room. Asada was still practicing with the other team members, so Eijun was alone a bit. He hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights when he stepped inside, the outside lights of the baseball field providing enough light for him to get to the top bunk as it glimmered through the window.
For a moment, Eijun thought about the closed sock drawer that was starting to pile up with flower petals, but his mind stopped turning once a knock from the door interrupted his thoughts. He called out that the door was open, and turned to see who was at the door. He sat up in surprise as he saw Kazuya enter the room with a plate full of, what he assumed to be, food from dinner. Kazuya turned on the lights, once noting that it was weirdly dark in the room, despite Eijun being in there. He decided not to question it though and lifted the plate of food so that it got Eijun’s attention.
“I heard you skipped lunch and had a hunch that you skipped out on dinner too, so I brought you a plate. Come down and eat.”
Kazuya set the plate down on top of the side drawer, placed his catching gear by the other bed, and watched as Eijun reluctantly climbed down the small steps of the ladder to sit on Asada’s bed on the bottom bunk. Kazuya opted to take a seat next to Eijun on the bed to make sure he ate his food. Haruichi and Furuya told him about his lack of appetite but understood that he needed to eat at least something in order to help him recover. Eijun took small bites of the rice and the pieces of cut-up beef and didn’t bother to question Kazuya why he brought him food. After all, he was still shy around Kazuya after coming to terms with his inflation and love for the well-rounded catcher. Eijun just hoped Kazuya would mistake his quietness for tiredness, rather than believing he was not okay in the slightest.
Kazuya found it awkward to just watch him eat his food. He could’ve just left the room after handing him the food but didn’t trust Eijun enough to actually eat the food, since he’s neglected to eat for a while now. So, even while it seemed difficult to start up a conversation with the other, Kazuya decided to just observe him.
He could pinpoint the change of appearance compared to before Eijun started showing signs of fatigue. On top of Eijun’s lack of appetite and his weaker physical state, which made it difficult for him to keep up with the rest of the team, the room lighting highlighted the paleness of the younger boy and his darkening eye bags; Kazuya assumed that it came from constant sleepless nights. It was almost like the time he got the yips. Eijun looked tired and like his soul had been taken, and like he was undergoing a huge dilemma… but he seemed worse now than then.
“How are you feeling?”
The question was simple, and kind of stupid, but it was the first thing Kazuya could think of to get Eijun to slowly open up to a conversation. Eijun stopped his movements for a bit, before swallowing the fistful of food he had shoved in his mouth. Eijun wanted to finally use this as a chance to open up about his issue— he trusted Kazuya very strongly so it felt wrong to lie. But even then, he feared what was to come of that exposure, so he settled for the half-truth.
“Exhausted… thanks for the food though Miyuki-senpai.”
Eijun looked at Kazuya and slightly smiled before turning his attention back to finishing the small pieces of meat leftover on the plate. Kazuya waved off the expression of gratitude.
“It’s nothing. I have to make sure that you’re fit to play the role of Seidou’s ace for the rest of the year and the next.”
Kazuya slightly smiled at Eijun, but it came off as more of a small smug which caused Eijun to genuinely feel offended at the other’s lack of support. He sat up straighter and spoke as confidently as he could.
“OF COURSE! I WILL DO MY BEST CAP!”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full…”
Kazuya grimaced as he tried to dodge the bits of food that were spilling from Eijun’s mouth from the sudden outburst but watched as Eijun’s mouth tilted upwards slightly. Kazuya was slightly glad that the mood was getting lighter, and that Eijun still had his drive to become a reliable player to the team. Eijun lightly laughed at Kazuya’s reaction, and at the sound of Kazuya’s laughter that mixed in with his, he felt lighter. The gravity wasn’t pushing down on his shoulders at that moment, and he felt relieved.
After eating, Eijun threw the plate away in the small trashcan the room had, and for a second his face seemed to glow from the gratefulness of being able to eat food and keep it down instead of throwing it back all up like he’s been used to. Kazuya chuckled a bit and smugly grinned, thinking that Eijun was just delighted at the quality of the food. He waited for Eijun to sit back on the bed before deciding to boast himself a bit, confidently.
“You know, the food they serve here for dinner isn’t that bad, but I can do better. I’ve learned how to cook since I was a kid, so I’m pretty much an expert.”
Eijun looked up at Kazuya after occupying his seat next to him again. With heightened interest, Eijun’s eyes seemed to dissipate the darkness that surrounded his eye sockets.
“Really?” Eijun beamed eagerly.
He still looked a bit pale, but Kazuya could already tell the difference in energy he was putting into the conversation. The look of innocence and curiosity coming from the boy in front of him swelled his heart, yet Kazuya chose to ignore it. He nodded confidently to Eijun but wasn’t expecting his next response.
“That means you have to treat me to a meal sometime!” Eijun stood up from his seat abruptly and pointed his right index finger at Kazuya. At the sudden burst, Kazuya flinched backward slightly and looked at Eijun's determined expression that was apparent throughout his whole stance. Kazuya thought it was a good idea to tease the other since he seemed to be in higher spirits. So in one swift movement, Kazuya leaned slightly forward to let Eijun’s right index finger touch his chest, and he raised his left hand to grab onto Eijun’s right wrist.
“Oh? And why should I do that for you, huh?” Kazuya looked up challengingly at Eijun’s flustering face.
The boldness from Kazuya, that Eijun was supposed to be used to by now, still made him feel embarrassed so he quickly ripped his captured wrist from Kazuya and crossed his arms protectively on his torso. Eijun looked off to the side curtly as he tried to control his rapid heartbeat.
He mumbled quietly underneath his breath so that Kazuya couldn't hear. Daringly, Kazuya stood up to be at a somewhat similar height to Eijun, but by having a few more inches his body still stood taller and was more intimidating compared to the slightly frustrated and embarrassed pitcher.
“What was that? I couldn’t quite hear you Sa-wa-mu-ra,” Kazuya jokingly taunted at Eijun.
However, the close proximity sent Eijun’s brain to short circuit as he failed to hide his redding face. Of course, Kazuya took notice and believed for a second that ‘Maybe… Maybe Eijun—,’ but he stopped processing the idea of the other’s personal feelings once he noticed Eijun’s flustered expression altered to a troubled one. Immediately, Eijun became aware of the tight swelling in his chest that was forming and rushing up to the base of his throat. That familiar feeling that he had unsuccessfully pushed down came back as quickly as to how fast Eijun’s demeanor changed.
He cast his eyes downward and turned quickly away from Kazuya the second he felt it coming upwards. Eijun rushed back to the trash can he had dumped his garbage in just moments earlier, before forcibly spewing out the food and whatever was going to come out of his throat. His anxiousness of letting Kazuya witness what he’s been trying to conceal for the past few weeks from others flew to the back of his consciousness; his attention was focused on trying to get this over with quickly, but it seemed to be more difficult this time.
The sudden rush of Eijun dropping to his knees and to him hurling out the food he had just eaten surprised Kazuya. Nervous and in panic, he stood up quickly to support Eijun through a round of sickness. He fetched a towel from his baseball bag and held it out next to Eijun but laid his other hand gently on Eijun's back to lightly indicate that he was there. He didn’t know how to help him besides waiting it out and looking away from the trash can. His concern still lingered when Eijun sat back on his folded knees and tried to catch his breath. Eijun struggled to speak from the high he was in as he tried to explain and apologize, but Kazuya quickly cut him off, looking serious.
“Don’t speak, it’s fine. Did you want some water?” Kazuya offered, and Eijun nodded a bit.
With that, Kazuya went back to his bag to fetch a half-empty water bottle he had from practicing with Furuya earlier. After getting the drink, he handed it to the boy who continued to sit back on his knees near the trash can. Eijun feared that he would be exposed, and was internally glad that it was just throw up and not the blood-stained plants that suffocated the entirety of his lungs.
However, he spoke too soon and the adrenaline rush was rushing throughout his upper body and he knew exactly that this time, it wasn’t throw up. He tried to wave his hand back at Kazuya to signal him to leave.
‘I don’t… want him to… see me like this.’
But Kazuya refused to leave, and like before, sat next to Eijun, and rubbed his back to help relieve him from the sickness. He didn’t know if this was even the right thing to do, but from what he’s seen from teen, coming of age movies, the girls are always reassuring the other through their sickness from drinking too much alcohol at a popular high school party. What he didn’t expect was for Eijun to start coughing roughly, rather than regurgitating the mixed substances his stomach had formed from digesting his food. Eijun let go of the side of the trashcan and instead, moved both of his hands upward to his mouth to prepare for what was to come.
‘What the hell? Why is he—’
Kazuya’s thoughts were cut abruptly when he witnessed blood splatter from Eijun’s mouth and onto his palm, and before he could process that it was blood, a yellow flower petal roughly came out but lightly landed on Eijun’s hands. Kazuya’s breath hitched, his light movements from his hand rubbing Eijun’s back had stopped seconds before the petal came out. He watched as Eijun continued to violently cough out the metaphorical fur ball stuck in his throat, as tears started to swell up Eijun’s eyes from squinting too hard. Spurts of blood were spitting out from Eijun’s mouth every time he coughed, and the sight of yellow petals began to be more visible. Kazuya’s hand went back to rub light circles on Eijun’s back, and while the thought was comforting, it made Eijun feel worse as he continued to cough out what was inside of him.
After a few minutes, Eijun stopped coughing but his body was still visibly shaking, his eyes were bloodshot from crying, and his face was filled with a mixture of sweat and tears. Eijun stared at his hands for what felt like hours but were only seconds.
“Sawamura?” Kazuya started but his attention flickered to the floor that was littered in the petals Eijun dropped or couldn’t catch.
“M-Miyuki…” Eijun weakly responded, in a low whisper. It almost sounded like a question, or like he was scared, but before Kazuya could respond, Eijun slightly turned around to look at him. Kazuya caught Eijun’s wide-eyed expression that was focused downwards, so he looked down at Eijun’s hands. It was in that instant that made Kazuya’s lose track of his breath.
There in front of them laid layers upon layers of petals. The amount of it was almost enough to be several handfuls. However, the main flower that they both paid their attention to was the whole yellow carnation that sat delicately in the middle of all those petals. While the flowers itself were generally beautiful, it was this particular flower that made the quality of beauty falter. It was stained in Eijun’s blood, and while he tried to explain himself to Kazuya, nothing came to him but a short whisper of disbelief.
“Miyuki-senpai… I’m scared.”
After they cleaned up the splattered drips of blood and flower petals that excessed on the floor, Kazuya led Eijun to sleep on the other bunk bed since it was easier to reach the bottom rather than have Eijun climb up the small steps to reach the top of where he normally slept at. Eijun said nothing, he just let Kazuya take the wheel as he laid down on his back, and stared up silently at framed bars above him. After Kazuya set Eijun down on the mattress, he went to retrieve the water bottle Eijun was drinking out of and offered it to him, but when Eijun didn't make any effort to move, Kazuya just decided to set the bottle on the floor beside the bed.
Kazuya didn’t know what to do. He didn’t understand. Well.. he knew what this was. He knew about the Hanahaki Disease and the basics in terms of the symptoms, remedies, and the overall time a person has.
“Spring is coming soon,” Kazuya thought as he decided to take a seat on the floor next to the bed Eijun laid in.
“Do you know?” Kazuya asked. He needed information quickly since he didn’t know how much more time he had left before Asada came back. However, Eijun continued to stare up emotionless without any movement.
“It’s called the Hanahaki Disease, what you have,” Kazuya started.
“People get it when they’re in love with someone else… but it's unrequited.” Kazuya paused, waiting to see if Eijun wanted to add any personal input. It was difficult to see what Eijun was thinking from Kazuya’s seated position, but he assumed that Eijun was just thinking— processing the situation and the event that just occurred. Kazuya continued.
“It can be either that the other person has rejected them, or that the victim constantly believes that the other person doesn’t like them back. The negative thoughts… they corrupt everything else beyond the brain.” Kazuya paused for a moment, thinking.
“It’s a deadly disease,” Kazuya could see Eijun’s still body flinching slightly, but continued to share his understanding of the disease. Kazuya went on, saying how the disease can only be cured if those feelings were returned or if the victim got the sickness surgically removed. The downside to surgery was that you would lose the memories of the one you love, it’s success rate was scarcely low, and it costs a lot of money to be able to receive the procedure.
“That’s not an option for me.” Eijun finally spoke up. Kazuya stopped speaking immediately. It’s been around twenty minutes since Eijun stopped talking — he didn’t even talk or look at Kazuya while they were cleaning up the mess — so Kazuya wanted to let Eijun take the mic.
Eijun quickly opted out of that option, due to the expenses; he told Kazuya that he had a nice house back at his home, but would not want to burden his family with money expenses for a surgical procedure that had unlikely satisfactory results for the victim. Eijun would also hate to live in a world where he didn’t remember Kazuya, or think that he didn’t exist, but he didn’t voice that opinion out loud.
Kazuya thought after hearing that. He could understand… money was a necessity in this world, and if you didn’t have it, you didn’t have it. His father worked day and night, practically twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week, just to pay for the necessary items to live, like food, water, shelter, and the bills. Kazuya was lucky enough to come to Seidou from recruitment and a scholarship, but he guessed that Eijun was in the same boat as he was. However, if Eijun couldn’t afford or handle the risk, that left him with one more gateway.
“Who is it?” Kazuya questioned. It was blunt, and straight to the point. He didn’t want to waste time dancing around the real issue when the research and statistics were all negatively impacted.
Eijun didn’t want to answer that question. He had complied with Kazuya this time around and had listened diligently to Kazuya’s discussion, but he did not want to tell him— he didn’t have the energy… or the heart to.
“No one.” Eijun looked away to the other side of the wall. He knew it was stupid, but that set off Kazuya.
“What do you mean? I just told you what the issue is—”
“It’s no one!” Eijun cut him off and turned his whole body to face the wall, his back toward Kazuya in annoyance.
“Why are you so stubborn?” Kazuya changed his criss-cross position to him sitting on his knees so that his back straightened up more. He wanted to get a better look at Eijun, and also demonstrate to him how serious he’s taking this situation that he— they were dealt with.
“Me? I’m not being stubborn, you are. Ever since-” Eijun defensively turned to face Kazuya angrily but once he saw Kazuya’s conflict expressed, he stopped. Eijun sighed, and sat upon the bed so that he could properly talk to Kazuya; he began to speak again at a lighter tone.
“I… I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It hurts to move. It hurts to breathe.”
“I know—” Kazuya tried to reason but he got cut off again.
“No, you don’t know. You wouldn’t understand. It’s like…” Eijun shuffled through the thoughts in his brain before continuing with, “You know when you’re up to bat? Full count and you keep hitting foul balls next, after the next, and after the next. And the more you keep going, the more tired you get? It’s that. That’s the feeling I feel and it won’t go away.” Eijun’s voice cracked and tried to wipe his tears that were starting to shed.
“I’m trying… I’m really trying but…” Eijun lingered his sentence but never continued to finish it.
‘You think I don’t understand. But I do because…’ Kazuya thought, as he focused his attention on Eijun quietly.
“Is it anyone from our school? One of the managers?” Kazuya asked after a moment of hesitation but continued. “What about that girl from your hometown, the one Kuramochi texts… Wakana right?”
This was probably the only lead he had on Eijun. For all he knew, Eijun never really seemed interested in anyone during his time at Seidou High, but he also understood that he wasn’t that buddy-buddy with Eijun to know who he was crushing on. Kazuya was hardly friends with anyone, but he made Kuramochi an exception since he was very persistent in their first year.
However, when Eijun came to visit Seidou during his first year, he had felt like his life would change forever from that point on. He found himself fond of Eijun’s abilities and skills as a pitcher from the first time he caught for him, and even now when he helped and watched Eijun grow to become a reliable ace for the team. He spent most of his attention on him too. Ever since Eijun came, he kept his eyes locked on him, and he didn’t know how long it took for him to finally understand that his feelings were more than just appreciation of a partner, but he did.
All Kazuya knew was that he was sure as hell a lot better at hiding his emotions than Eijun.
“Yeah,” Eijun stated, cutting off Kazuya’s inner thoughts. At first, Kazuya was confused, but when he looked up to face Eijun, he wasn’t looking in his direction. Eijun’s gaze stared at the floor that surrounded their space as they both sat on two separate materials in the room. He sighed lightly and continued.
“It’s Wakana… but I haven’t told her yet.” Eijun lied, but when Kazuya heard his confession, he felt his heart sink a bit. Kazuya quickly built up another inner wall though and suggested for him to tell her that he liked her. He told and teased Eijun about how it was obvious that she liked him too, especially from the way they interacted when she would come to visit and watch their home games.
Eijun knew that there was no escape at this point. He had finally exposed a few of his troubles to the one person he wanted to keep it from the most. While Eijun didn’t specifically confess who he truly loved, he felt like he still needed to protect himself from feeling any more pain than what he was already experiencing.
‘Idiot… you’re such an idiot.’ Eijun said to himself, as he tried to control his breathing from bursting to overwhelming tears as he was moments earlier. Kazuya stopped all efforts to try and lighten the situation and instead raised a hand to softly place it on Eijun’s shoulder.
“She’s beautiful, and perfect for you… you should tell her that you love her.”
‘Him.’ Eijun thought. ‘It’s you, not her.’
He finally raised his head up to look at Kazuya directly. It was these private moments that made Eijun genuinely feel like he wasn’t alone, despite the ironic pain he was putting himself through by catching feelings in the first place.
“Thank you Miyuki-senpai,” Eijun smiled a bright genuine smile and closed his red, puffy eyes with as much energy as he could muster up.
Kazuya stared at his smile and just let his mind wander. ‘If only I could just tell him…’
He smiled back at Eijun and made a fist to gently place it on Eijun’s chest as a form of understanding. The overwhelming suffocation that spurred Kazuya's chest was forcibly pushed down.
‘I can’t,’ Kazuya concluded to himself.
It was late now. Kazuya had left the room just a few minutes ago after helping Eijun out as much as he could before Asada had come back from practicing with the other team members. During the taxi drive back home, Kazuya just stared down at the palm of his hands in the backseat. Thankfully, the taxi driver wasn’t the talkative type, so he only let the soft rock music play in the background as he drove Kazuya back to his residence. The whole situation was fucked, in Kazuya’s opinion. Thinking back on what happened after, Eijun looked so scared and exhausted, as if he was begging Miyuki to help him.
'But what could I do?’ Kazuya solemnly thought to himself. ‘He doesn’t like me back.’
He hoped to get home soon... the aching feeling began in his chest again.
The cherry blossoms were blooming, on the trees, and various flowers were starting to see the light. The Spring season had come, which meant that the third-years were graduating. On the last day of the school year, the graduation ceremony was held and was successfully oriented. The administrators and coaches even paid tribute to the players that were a part of the sports teams at Seidou. The bell had finally rung, signaling the end of the ceremony, and people left the auditorium quickly to meet up with their friends to give them a proper goodbye. The second-years and first-years of the baseball team all gathered up to meet the third-years near the school entrance.
After a moment with each member, Kazuya decided to talk to Eijun last. The energy between the two was definitely lighter than what they both experienced during the end of the winter season to now. It was like everything was back to how it used to be: Kazuya teasing Eijun endlessly as Eijun tried to grip the collar of his school uniform, and Kazuya trying to save himself by repeatedly saying that he was only joking. Their laughter died down when they both caught sight of the well-known baseball field that held many memories of their time together.
“Hey, Sawamura,” Kazuya started, as they both silently looked ahead. He didn’t wait for a response though, as he continued.
“You’ve still got another year here so make it count.”
Eijun turned to look at Kazuya who’s attention was still focused on the scenery in front of them.
“I’ll be working hard to go pro, and you’ve got potential.” Kazuya looked at Eijun after that statement. Eijun continued to listen but chose not to respond until he felt like Kazuya was completely done talking.
“The kind of game you play is up to you.”
Suddenly, a honk was heard from the entrance, which gained the attention of the graduating third year and the second year. There at the entrance was a stopped car, and after a moment of realization, Miyuki started to gather up the rest of his belongings to take his leave.
“Miyuki-senpai!” Eijun hastily called out to him before he could leave. Kazuya stopped walking and turned to look back at Eijun with waiting eyes.
“I…” Eijun started, but couldn’t continue. He knew what he wanted to say, but even then…
“I’ll form a battery with you again! So wait for me!” Eijun loudly declared, which gained the attention of a few students who were within the same area.
Kazuya continued to stare at Eijun’s bright expression and then bent slightly down to hold his stomach from the laughter that was emitting throughout him. As his body shook from laughing too hard, Eijun blushed in embarrassment and started to harshly march closer to Kazuya to hit him. Kazuya repositioned his posture so that once Eijun reached him, he placed a hand on top of Eijun’s brown hair, and began to ruffle up his hair in a teasing, but affectionate manner.
“You’ll have to catch up to me then,” Kazuya concluded by smirking. He stopped ruffling Eijun’s hair and continued to walk to meet up with his dad by the entrance.
‘Stupid.’ Kazuya grimaced to himself as he walked to his dad’s car.
Eijun stared at the back of Kazuya’s frame and continued to watch him until the car was out of the school’s view. He sighed a bit.
‘Coward.’ Eijun solemnly scolded himself as he started to make his way back to his dorm room.
Eijun hoped that he didn’t look as tired as he actually was feeling during the graduation ceremony. He borrowed some concealer from one of the managers when he asked for their help, and to his surprise, many thought that he looked a bit better— healthier even. He knew it was all a lie though.
After saying goodbye to Kazuya, his thoughts nonstopped wandered about him. Now here he was, lying on his bed, in the middle of the night. Insomnia had kicked in again, and he struggled to sleep. He felt the sudden urge to cough and he did so, as quietly as he could. Asada knew that he was getting sick, just as much as the other team members, so while he could hear the quiet coughs from Eijun and was worried about him, he knew that the coughing fit would stop after a bit and so he opted to continue to deep sleep his exhaustion away.
Eijun no longer had the physical effort to move out of his bed to go to the trash can, so he curled up on his side to try and cough up the petals that were coming once again. Tears were spilling immediately from the high pressure and force of coughing. Eijun’s normal episodes of coughing only lasted a few minutes, but now his chest felt heavier, his muscles felt sore, and his bones felt limp, as he barely was holding himself together.
Eijun eventually turned to lay on his back to try and expand his tied lungs, and to get as much oxygen as he could. He didn't know how much time had passed, but his thoughts raced to why he was dealing with all of this pain.
‘Oh right… Miyuki…’
He continued to cough violently and struggled to try and stay as quiet as he could. Eijun couldn’t take it anymore; he couldn’t handle the stress of deciding whether or not to expose his feelings, and even though he was going through the pain, he felt as if it was easier to message Kazuya about his feelings, rather than tell him in person and deal with the consequences of direct rejection afterward.
He reached for his phone. He pulled up Kazuya’s contact. He didn’t decide to put a subject but left the only message he wanted to say the most.
To: Miyuki Kazuya
From: Sawamura Eijun
Message: I’m sorry…that I loved you.
Soon Eijun’s coughs built up until he finally let out one loud cough. Just one.
And then there was nothing. No coughing. No whimpering. Just the sound of Asada’s light snoring.
The loud alarm blared throughout the dorm room, and it took Asada a few minutes to wake up from his deep sleep to turn off the alarm that read 6:00 am.
Today was the day the new first years were going to be introduced, so everyone was expected to meet up this morning at the first-string field, for the introductory meeting, after breakfast. Asada slowly got up on his feet, yawned as he put his thin, metal-framed glasses, and shuffled to his drawers to pick out his practice uniform to start the day. He witnessed the slight ruffle of Eijun’s bedhead and noted that he was still asleep, which was unnatural due to how early Eijun would wake up— even when he had been feeling under the weather recently.
Asada came closer to wake up Eijun for the morning but stopped short of his reach when he saw a bit of the bedsheet bloodstained. Immediate panic overcame the introverted player, and when he stood up a bit on the ladder of the bunk bed to catch a better look of Eijun, his breath hitched.
There laying in front of the poor boy was Eijun. Eijun laid on his bed face-up, his hands splattered in the red substance that belonged to him, and his chest surrounded by blood-stained yellow petals. Eijun’s eyes were bloodshot open, as dry tears sprouted out from his eye sockets, and his outer mouth was surrounded by blood and dried saliva. Sitting in the center of Eijun’s opened mouth was a thick, green stem that surged out to present one blossomed yellow carnation flower that was fully displayed. Eijun's deceased state rushed to Asada’s head as he covered his mouth from horrified shock and jumped off the ladder to call out for help.
However, help would do nothing. Eijun’s sickness from the disease rooted in the winter season, and finally bloomed in the spring. His life span was ticking down, and it had finally stopped the night before the new school year, as a third-year had begun… and ended.
Kazuya was cooking in the kitchen of his home. His father was out, as per usual, so Kazuya decided it would be a good start to whip up breakfast for the both of them, even if he couldn’t share his meal with his father. The television that sat in the corner of the kitchen played the news channel that was just going over the weather for the week.
“Sunny skies, but a slight overcast?,” Kazuya questioned out loud after the reporter had announced. ‘Seems like a normal Spring season.’
He heard a message tone ring off from his phone, but Kazuya promised himself that he would check it after he finished frying the eggs. Kazuya took his time making all of the dishes for the morning, so it ended up taking around an hour for the meals to be prepared and finalized. He turned off the stove and began to wash his hands before hearing a familiar ringtone come from his cellphone.
Kazuya grabbed his cellphone from the table across from him and then leaned against the counter. He answered with a sly smirk, as he confidently asked, “Hey Kuramochi, did you miss me—”
“Sawamura.” Kuramochi cut him off, which made him stop. At the name of the younger and Kuramochi’s weirdly tense tone, Kazuya’s smirk instantly faltered. The only times he’s heard Kuramochi use that tone was when he confronted him about his injury and the most recent time of when they were both noticing the subtle changes to Eijun’s health.
Kuramochi waited for Kazuya to say something, but when he only heard his slight breathing connect through the other line of the phone, he continued.
“He’s… dead…” Kuramochi paused. His breath ticked a bit, which Kazuya assumed meant that he was crying. “Asada, he- he found him in his bed with a f-flower... Miyuki he—” Kuramochi's voice cracked as he broke into a sob, which made Miyuki’s body cringe in uneasiness.
He didn’t know how to respond. Was he supposed to comfort Kuramochi? This was also hard on him, but he knew he wasn’t going to be able to get comfort right now. Kazuya felt the pressure of holding in his emotions, which started to produce a headache, but in fear of letting Kuramochi hear him break apart too, he hung up without a goodbye and set his phone down on the kitchen table. He grabbed the tv remote and turned off the news channel, before taking a seat.
Kazuya placed his elbows on the table and looked down at the hard wooden-brown surface. He ran his hands and fingers through his brown hair and tugged from the roots in frustration. He was on the verge of letting everything out until he noticed an old message notification while his phone was still on. At the sight of the sender's name being Eijun, Kazuya quickly grabbed his phone.
‘Please be okay. Please be okay,’ Kazuya’s hopeful thoughts repeated but it was cut short soon after he opened up the message.
“I’m sorry that I loved you…” Kazuya read out loud Eijun’s last message to himself.
Kazuya was confused at first, but then the past events that they had shared with one another flooded his thoughts like an ocean wave crashing into the salty sand roughly.
‘No way,’ Kazuya stood up from his seated position and jogged to the bathroom near the kitchen.
He quickly opened the door and looked at the closed trashcan that sat next to the toilet. Uncapping the top cover of the trashcan, he was faced with the bloody tissues and toilet papers that were twisted and bound into the deep blue petals painted in red. He didn’t know how to feel. In fact, now that he noticed, he hadn’t felt the usual strain in his chest as he had before. The heavyweight of suffocation that he endured from his experience with the disease had lifted.
It was unbelievable really… the research he had done never said anything about the death of the beloved being a cure for the lover.
“I love- loved you too... I’m so sorry,” Kazuya admitted, as he continuously tried to control his breathing, which came easier now with the space in his lungs.
The weight of the guilt that pushed his shoulders made him fall next to the trashcan filled with the hidden love receipts. The pressure that built up in his head was finally released as he pushed his black-rimmed glasses away, and covered his face with his calloused hands to silence his retching sobs. His father would not find him here, he knew, but Kazuya couldn’t help but feel like he needed to hide from the world.
His crowded mind was racing with the reality of Eijun’s death as he desperately tried to remember the lasting moments he had with him. The first time they met, their first encounter of being late for practice, working together as partners, getting over the trials and tribulations of their losses, making it to nationals, winning the summer tournament, and saying goodbye. Even the smallest memories they shared together outside of baseball struck his beating heart the instant he reminisced about the boy who had a whole life ahead of him, which Kazuya was at fault for ending.
Kazuya curled his body further into himself; he needed to hide his face of the bewailing cries of regret from not being strong enough to tell Eijun his true feelings. It had cost Kazuya his love, and it had cost Eijun his life.
Kazuya didn’t call back Kuramochi that night.