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The last thing Sterling said to her painfully echoes in her ears for at least two weeks before she hears from Sterling again.
Actually, I don’t know.
To say it wasn’t torture would be a lie. To say it didn’t bother her that Carolina was missing from Spanish class or that Sterling was notably missing from Fellowship would be an even bigger lie.
That doesn't stop April from pretending.
April pretends she doesn’t notice Ezekiel and Hannah B.’s concerned glances when she’s not looking. She pretends just as much when Luke comes in looking as dejected as she feels on the inside. She doubles down on pretending when she feels Blair glaring daggers at her every time they occupy the same space. She pretends everything is fine. She has to-- she’s the one that chose to not come out, and now she has to lie with the decision she made.
She can't quite fight down the lingering concern of Sterling's whereabouts, but she does bury it deeper.
It’s supposed to make home life better, even if every school day is near intolerable. Her father thankfully lets her do homework when she gets home. The opportunity gives her time to not be okay, if only to have her schoolwork long finished and long forgotten while reduced to staring at her phone willing for it to say anything about Sterling.
A series of notifications and a name pops up on her phone screen, and her breath catches in her throat.
Sterling [4:33pm]: not sure you even want to talk to me rn, but on the chance that you do. think you can meet me at the park?
Sterling [4:33pm]: just to talk, i promise! i’m taking chloe for a walk
Sterling [4:33pm]: sent attachment
A knock at her door startles her out of her shocked state. She recovers quickly, shoving her phone into her desk drawer and opening her door as calmly as her nerves would let her.
“Hey, Padawan, I’m heading down to the country club for a small round of golf with some of the guys. Interested in going? Mom's going, too. Figured you could keep her company.”
Her dad looks hopeful that she’d finally take him up on an offer to reconnect, but April smiles politely and shakes her head.
“Hannah B. needs help with a Bible study project, and I told her we could finish ours together.” April can hardly believe it’s this easy to fake a smile and flat out lie. "Sorry, Daddy. Maybe next time?"
He nods in understanding, "Schoolwork does come first. I'll let your mother know. And don't stay out too late, it is a school night."
"Yes, sir."
She shuts the door and leans against it to let out a steadying breath, her eyes darting toward her desk. The texts waiting for her make her heart ache something dull and something fierce.
Sterling [4:38pm]: it's okay if you can't...or don't want to
Sterling [4:38pm]: i guess i just miss you
Sterling [4:39pm]: i also owe you an explanation...
It should be easy to lie again and feign helping Hannah B with a fake assignment, but that's not how she responds.
April [4:41pm]: Give me 15 minutes. But, you get an hour before my parents start asking questions.
Chloe, the monstrosity of a chocolate-colored poodle, starts barking as soon as April's within 20 feet of Sterling and Blair. The twins appear to be caught up in their hushed discussion so much so that they ignore a wiggly Chloe.
April can't tell if the dog is threatened or excited, but she smiles politely at her either way. Maybe Chloe won't be able to see right through her nerves.
"Oh, hi." Sterling says, looking past Blair, and directly at April. "You're here!"
April winces, not really knowing how to act. She can't explain the relief washing over her at the fact that Sterling is okay and here in the flesh. "Hey."
Blair simply glares at her and April almost worries this might be an ambush for breaking up with her sister at the lock-in. Then Blair's expression goes blank before she nods and shrugs, "Sup?" She turns back to her sister, "I'll be in the car. Don't keep me waiting too long." Before she's out of earshot, she calls over her shoulder, "And don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
Sterling throws her sister an annoyed look, "Bye, Blair!"
Blair flips her off without looking back.
April furrows her eyebrows, "That's rude, even for Blair."
"Sorry, don't take that personally. We're...working through some stuff. A family secret got out, and we're all...struggling with it. It's why Blair and I came here. It's too weird being at home. So we figure we socialize Chloe."
April looks around and then back at Sterling. "The dog park is empty."
"Yeah, well, ya know, bad timing. But lucky you're here. Go say hi, Chlo." Sterling loosens the leash in her hand and Chloe bounds forward to say hi to April, who simply offers a hand for the dog to sniff and promptly slobber all over.
"Hello, Chloe." April says with a grimace, patting the dog gently on the head. Chloe sits next to April's feet, so now she has no choice but to continue petting her. April muses, "If only Sgt. Bilko liked taking walks, but he hates being harnessed. He only tolerates me, anyway."
"Well, Chloe likes you a lot." April raises an eyebrow at the blonde, who visibly blanches at her own statement. "Anyway," Sterling rambles on, ignoring the way April's watching her, "thanks for coming. I didn't think you would agree so easily."
April doesn't respond right away, taking the momentary silence as an opportunity to study the blonde and really take her in. There's something different about her that April can't place. Her hair, her lips, and even her general frame is as she remembers from the last time they talked, but something in Sterling's eyes feel different. Distant and farther away than April would like. Her hand almost goes up to cup the side of Sterling's face, but she makes the conscious decision to keep petting Chloe instead. If Sterling notices, she doesn't say anything.
April stares at Sterling for a moment longer before quietly admitting, "Well, you haven't been at school. This is the first chance we've had to speak." She stops herself from elaborating. Maybe she doesn't want to admit her curiosity got the best of her. Or that maybe she's not immune to Sterling's gravitational orbit, if the last six years are anything to go by. "I would've asked Blair, but all she's done at school is glare at me. I wasn't confident she would've been friendly if I engaged."
Chloe, surprisingly, has managed to get April to scratch behind her ear at just the right spot.
Sterling doesn't say anything in return and her gaze is some place else.
Concern really begins to eat at April, "Sterling, I don't want to pry. But, is everything okay? Are you okay?"
She hardly expects Sterling to answer, but she certainly doesn't expect the answer she gets.
"Blair and I are cousins."
"What?!" April loses any decorum she had left, "How is that even possible?"
"My mom has a twin, an identical one at that. And apparently her twin's my actual mom? It's really confusing." Sterling explains, a little scattered. "She also kidnapped me from the lock-in."
"She kidnapped you?" April feels the blood drain from her face, "when I let you out?"
"Hey, it's not your fault. I'm sure she would've schemed to get me out of the lock-in. She was pretty desperate." Sterling smiles weakly. "Blair and...our Yogurt Shop boss eventually found me and Dana didn't get a chance to escape."
"Sterling, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I had no idea." April says softly. She struggles with reaching out to hold Sterling's hand, whether she even has the right. She settles on a response, “I guess we both have our families to focus on."
“That’s not all I wanted to talk about.”
April's eyes widen, "This is kind of a lot. Are you sure you don't want to do this another time?"
Sterling frowns as if she's remembers something, and powers through shaking as she speaks, "No-- I mean, no I'm okay, more or less."
April eyebrows knit together and she stares at Sterling like she's speaking a different language, "Is that supposed to convince me?"
Sterling's frown deepens, "I'm not very good at convincing you. We both know that."
April freezes, much to Chloe's disappointment. Chloe lets out a protesting whine, but Sterling pulls the dog back to her side. Maybe she should've seen this coming, being treated all hot and cold. She's not sure what she was expecting to begin with. Her first instinct is flight. "I'm sorry things are difficult with your family. But, us meeting was probably a mistake. I'll see you--"
"-- April, wait!" Sterling's voice, desperate and pleading, stops April from full-on sprinting away from all of this.
"What are we doing here, Sterl?" The shorter girl softly demands an explanation, literally anything, from the girl in front of her.
Sterling swallows thickly, fidgets with the leash in her hand before finding the courage to speak again, "I'm handling this all wrong. This wasn't supposed to be about my complicated family drama. Can we sit?" April nods, following the girl and her dog over to the closest bench. When she's seated, hands folded in her lap, like there's a shred of decency between them. Chloe sits patiently at their feet. Sterling continues, "I wanted to say I'm sorry. And I need you to just listen to what I have to say before you say anything."
April gestures for her to continue.
Sterling starts at the beginning, with their (Blair's?) father's truck and the guy they hit. The run in with Bowser. The money they needed. The yogurt shop. The work Bowser provided them, despite being teenagers and having no business being bounty hunters. The country club. Her dad's eventual false alibi.
April doesn't need more background information to know where this was going, but hearing Sterling confess still hits her like freight train.
"I made the call to check your lake property, and we knocked him out and brought him in. I...arrested your dad." To her credit, Sterling doesn't look away from April. Maybe to make sure April doesn't flee or maybe to stop herself from fleeing, April can't tell.
April feels numb, despite Chloe trying to shove her snout into her hand to force her into pets. She can hardly process anything until Sterling's voice pulls her back.
"I am really sorry, April. I don't regret what I did. He beat that woman and he should've served more jail time. But, I do regret that it affected you and that I hurt you. And that I didn't tell you sooner." Sterling's eyes are so blue as the tears stream down her face.
Anger starts to overflow as she begins to speak, "Why did you even tell me this? Why now?"
Sterling cries a little harder and April can't get herself to console her or even move. "I just know what it's like to have your whole world turned upside down because of a lie told by the people you trusted."
April hates how much she sympathizes, but instead fires back with venom in her voice, "Like how I trusted you?"
Sterling nods, shutting her eyes and heaving back a sob, "I didn't want you to find out from someone else. I needed you to hear it from me. This was the first day I had enough energy to leave my bed, nonetheless the house, and I knew I didn't want to wait any longer." Blue eyes bore into April's soul and April doesn't know what to expect next. "I really did want to fix our friendship or relationship or whatever this is-- was-- between us. But, well, now you probably hate me."
April is rendered both breathless and speechless. She doesn't really know what she feels, but hate is far from what's stirring in her chest. At this point, Chloe's head is resting in her lap, and she doesn't have the heart to push the dog away too. She manages a whisper, confusion overtaking, "What?"
And Sterling keeps going like if she stops, April is going to disappear, "If you wanted to, like, throw hands, I won't blame you. But, fair warning, Blair's been very protective of me since that night and is currently sitting in the Volt with my shotgun."
April still hasn't formulated words to put into a sentence.
Sterling scoffs, her tone biting as she says it, "So, at least, you don't have to worry about your dad knowing you're gay. He asked about us because we turned him in."
Chloe sighs and looks between the girls. The silence hangs heavily between them.
There's a million questions bouncing around in her head on top of the million emotions weighing in her chest. The only question April desperately needs answering leaves her mouth before she can stop it. "Did you just feel sorry for me?"
Sterling looks as if April slapped her across the face. "What? No!"
"I mean, you always looked really guilty when we talked about my dad...like you had anything to do with it." April sighs and rubs her forehead. "And...I guess you did."
She reaches out to take April's hand but April recoils away from her touch. Sterling only sighs, "I cared about you. I still do. I never lied about my feelings for you."
"Were we just some kind of farce?" April can hardly hear herself speak at this point.
Sterling whispers, "Believe me, you could never be."
April looks up at Sterling, tears blurring her vision. "I'm going to need time with this, Sterl." She stands up, and Chloe is the only one that seems to protest. "But, I'm glad you're okay." She pets Chloe one last time and just about runs to her car.
(If April goes home and locks herself into her bedroom to cry over her aching heart, over Sterling Wesley, she doesn't tell anyone.)
It's another two weeks, before she finds out that Sterling gets cleared for homeschooling for the rest of the semester. She keeps her face stoic so as not to draw any attention. She's not sure what she would've liked more, but she supposes this would be the easier option.
Ezekiel has thankfully stopped having face journeys directed at the side of April's face when he delivered the news, partially due to Hannah B. having far too many questions about penguins finding the wrong soulmate.
The rest of bible study class goes by without a hitch. Spanish is surprisingly non-hostile, even with Blair having a clear view of the back of her head.
Much to her luck, Blair pulls her aside in the hallway later, anyway.
April's shocked to find very little animosity coming from the brunette. She explains in a low voice, "I know Sterling apologized already, but I'm sorry, too. About your dad. And not telling you sooner."
April nods, keeping her expression neutral. This had to be at the coaxing of Sterling.
"Oh, and for peeing in your pool, like, a bunch."
Except for that. That's definitely just Blair.
"Sterl says hi, by the way."
April blinks, trying to keep her composure like her heart isn't about to explode out of her chest.
Blair's eyes widen, and she sputters for a moment, "Oh, shoot. I meant...Chloe says hi."
April shakes her head, and offers a smile, "Thanks, Blair. Tell Chloe that I say hi back." She straightens her back and looks at Blair expectantly, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to be late for Fellowship."
"Later, Princess." Blair calls after her cheerfully.
It's better than being glared at all the time. It's not forgiveness, she reasons. It's...compromise.
April [3:18pm]: Blair blew your cover, by the way.
Sterling [3:20pm]: busted :/
Sterling [3:20pm]: chloe really does say hi, though
Sterling [3:21pm]: sent attachment
April rolls her eyes at the picture of Wesleys' curly-haired dog.
Thankfully, April agreeing to watch a Star Wars movie with her dad ('like old times!') on a Friday night gets her out of a day trip with both her parents. Well, that and a project. Her dad doesn't need to know that she already finished the project and one day out and about wouldn't set her back at all.
She's mostly looking forward to a day without any pretenses, with anyone.
Her parents do delegate some errands for her to do, like grocery shopping and some of the yard work, while they're gone. The alone time would be worth it.
She smiles as they promise they'll be back later that night and pretends to pout as her parents drive away on Saturday morning.
If Sgt. Bilko sees her fall apart in her room later, he doesn't make a fuss out of it. He sits at the foot of her bed and grooms himself.
(She reasons he's fully aware she's the only one that can open the wet food between the two of them.)
She expects the rest of the day to be non-eventful. In the car, she puts on Kacey Musgrave's Golden Hour, but skips the first track.
After picking up groceries, she takes the long way home just to be able to finish out the rest of the album uninterrupted. When she passes the park, something catches her eye.
Right in the middle of the grass, a dog that looks like Chloe sits waiting patiently. She almost drives away, in fear of any of the Wesleys being nearby. But she doesn’t. She parks and scans the park for the dog’s owners with no luck.
She approaches slowly, hoping that maybe it's someone else's dog and she's just hallucinating on her solo day.
She's proven wrong the moment the dog recognizes her and comes barreling toward her. She pets the dog and takes another sweeping look around the surprisingly empty park. Does anyone even go to this park?
"Chloe? What are you doing out here by yourself? Do the twins know you're missing?" April pauses as the poodle barks at her. "Can I not call them twins anymore?"
Almost positive that Chloe won't just take off running after a squirrel, April texts and calls Sterling, but hears nothing back. She doesn’t have Blair’s number. And she really doesn’t want to show up at their doorstep.
April [3:12pm]: sent attachment
April [3:12pm]: I believe this belongs to you.
With groceries sitting in the car, she decides to take the Wesleys' dog back to her house. Chloe is really well-behaved, happy to be riding shotgun with her face hanging out the window.
She lets the dog into the backyard. She places a bowl of water out for her before swiftly putting away groceries for her parents.
The entire time, Chloe just waits at the back entrance to the house, as if patiently waiting for April to be done.
Sgt. Bilko hisses and claws at Chloe on the other side of the glass door. Chloe is completely unbothered and only tilts her head at the cat, who then proceeds to meow loudly at April from atop the kitchen island.
“If I give you a treat, will that silence you?” He mewls even louder. "Fine, three treats."
His tail flicks and looks up at her expectantly.
"Unbelievable." April mutters, grabbing the treat bag and laying out a few treats for her cat. "Not a word, Bilko."
He blinks as if it means anything. He hisses in Chloe's general direction one last time before disappearing upstairs, clearly satisfied with his bribe.
She decides to wait out a response from Sterling. It's not like her parents are here to complain about a dog in their yard. After an hour, she almost has half a mind to order Hannah B. or Ezekiel to deliver the designer mutt over to the Wesleys, but she thinks against it. She doesn’t need Hannah B. getting lost in the process or Ezekiel asking silent questions with his eyebrows.
When April witnesses Chloe almost successfully catch a wild bird in her backyard, she decides that it’s time for a change of scenery.
“Chloe, this is why you always get worms.” April admonishes the poodle as she lets her into the front seat of the car.
(The dog has the audacity to look ashamed, and April would be satisfied if she weren't talking to a dog.)
With nowhere else to really go, April goes to the one place she can think of. She orders fries, a milkshake, and an order of nuggets at Chick-fil-A. She parks in the nearby parking lot and tries to figure out what to do next.
Chloe doesn't seem bothered by the lack of movement in the car. She just watches eagerly as April eats her waffle fries in contemplative silence.
The dog alternates between whining and sticking her face out the window. April rolls her eyes at the dramatics and feeds half the nuggets to Chloe. "Sharing is caring, right?"
When Chloe licks her face out of gratitude or excitement, she can't tell, April grimaces, "Was that necessary?" She finds some baby wipes in the middle console and wipes her face. "Don't do that again, please."
She tries calling Sterling again, only to be met with voicemail.
"Hey Sterl, it's April. I'm not sure if you got my texts, but I'm pretty sure I have your dog." She pauses as Chloe starts to bark, "She's fine, I think, but if you could give me a call back. That'd be great. Bye."
Chloe continues to bark and starts to paw at April's arm over the middle console.
April laughs, full and light, lighter than she's felt in a while. "You're ridiculous, you know that?" She pets the happy-go-lucky mutt and shakes her head. "What do you say I drive you home? Sterling sounds like she's busy, but maybe Mr. and Mrs. Wesley are home."
Chloe merely huffs in return.
April side-eyes the poodle, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you ran away on purpose."
April steels herself in front of the Wesley residence, then looks back down at the dog, who looks at her expectantly. "Alright. Here goes nothing."
She rings the doorbell, and it takes about a minute before she hears the lock click and the door swings open.
Blair is on the other side, shocked to see her dog sitting next to April Stevens on her front doorstep. "Uh, hi April! And Chloe? What's going on?"
April smiles politely, "Hello, Blair. I'm here to return your dog. I found her at the park earlier. I tried contacting your sister," She pauses, wondering if that word is still appropriate, but it's too late to correct now, "but no answer."
"Hey, Sterl! Come down here, you're gonna wanna see this!" Blair calls just past the foyer and up the staircase.
"What is it, Blair?" Sterling groans as she unceremoniously trudges down the stairs.
When she realizes who's at the door, Sterling trips over her own two feet before stumbling over her words in the most endearing Sterling Wesley fashion. She does manage to address the person in her doorway, “April!”
Blair rolls her eyes at the same time April suppresses a smile. Chloe bounds past Blair and towards the blonde.
Sterling greets her poodle, "Chloe! Hi girl!" She pets her all over. "Wait a sec," She looks up at April, "Were you with Chloe?"
All April can do is watch as the two begin to banter.
Blair laughs, "Yeah, dummy, you left your phone off. She's been trying to contact you." Blair then blinks, "Did you know Chloe was missing?"
Sterling shrugs, "I thought she was with you."
Blair shakes her head, "I thought she was with mom and dad."
Sterling rolls her eyes, "Debbie and Anderson are out, Blair." It's at that point that Sterling remembers they have company. "Thanks for bringing her back, April. She's usually not so slippery. But, Debbie and Anderson must have left the gate in the garage open."
April opens her mouth to say something and closes it again when she realizes this is the first time she's seen Sterling since the night they talked. Her chest tightens when Sterling smiles at her. She quickly composes herself and nods, "Of course. It was the Christian thing to do."
Blair raises an eyebrow, her eyes darting between Sterling and April, "Uh-huh."
Sterling jabs an elbow into Blair's ribs, whispering, "Blair!"
"Oh, right." Blair stutters a little helplessly, "Uh, come on, Chlo, let's, uh, get your ringworm medication. You love a pillpocket moment, don't ya, girl?"
Sterling facepalms and April amusedly watches as Blair drags her dog into the other room.
"Bye, Chloe!"
To her credit, Chloe does respond with a bark.
"She doesn't actually have worms, right?" April asks, only slightly concerned about the previous contact with Chloe's slobber.
"No!" Sterling almost shouts, making April jump, "I just wanted to get rid of Blair and she's the worst caught in a lie."
"You're not much better."
Sterling meets April's gaze, shocked at her levity. April clears her throat. "Well, I should probably get going. I still have some chores left to do."
"Sure you don't wanna stick around? I'm sure Chloe would love to keep you around for a little longer." Sterling grimaces at her own awkwardness.
"At this point, that just sounds like an excuse to keep me captive here."
"Well, it's rare that Chloe even likes guests." Sterling scrunches her nose, "She always had to be crated if guests were over, even Luke sometimes." Sterling visibly curses herself for bringing up Luke. "Actually, that's a lie. She just has a lot of energy. But, she's not so crazy with you. Which is, you know, cool."
April pretends not to be bothered by Sterling's awkwardness, simply shaking her head in amusement.
"Can I walk you to your car, at least?" Sterling asks, hopeful.
"I suppose," April smiles, "that would be nice."
Sterling grins and follows her to her car. "Thanks again for bringing Chloe home. I hope she wasn't too much trouble."
"No, actually. She followed me around like a lost puppy. She also really likes chicken nuggets." April grins when Sterling laughs. When the moment sobers, April bravely admits, "I'm sad to hear that you're homeschooled for the semester."
Sterling raises her eyebrows and looks down shyly, "I would've thought you'd be thrilled."
"Yes and no." April admits with a sigh, avoiding eye contact. "I'm mad at you for what you did, and sometimes I wanna burn Solomon's Temple in Ellen's office," April peeks up at Sterling, her gaze softening the longer she looks at the blonde, "but do you really think I'd go back to hating you?"
Sterling crosses her arms across her chest, and looks up at the sky, "Yes? I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you did."
"I'm sorry about what I did at the lock-in." April says with a sigh. She decides not to make any excuses. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. But I certainly don't hate you."
"I'm sorry that I hurt you, too." Before April can tell her she's not here for more apologies, Sterling keeps going, "I'm sorry that I made you believe I didn't want you after you said you couldn't be out."
That knocks the wind right of her, and April barely has any time to process before Sterling's stealing the breath from her lips.
Sterling quickly pulls away, eyes wide, while April's eyes flutter back open. "I'm also sorry for kissing you unprompted...again."
April chuckles, shaking her head from the reverie.
"That wasn't me trying to pressure you, I promise." Sterling explains in a flurry of words, "and I know someday isn't today or right this moment. You have your dad to deal with and I've got...the Wesleys. But someday?"
Someday when it won't take heroic courage to hold a pretty girl's hand. Someday when their worlds aren't so complicated. Someday, like a bit of hope carved out for them both.
April reaches out her hand to caress the side of Sterling's face like she did on their first date. Sterling shuts her eyes and she lets her hand linger for a moment too long. "Someday, Sterling Wesley."
She drives home a little lighter than when she arrived at the Wesley residence. When Golden Hour restarts, she doesn't skip the first track.