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As long as you remember, you're always with Wakatoshi.
It's one of the perks coming from the times you two spent together back then and one of the reasons as to why you knew Wakatoshi better than others. But despite being childhood friends with the ace, his actions still confuse you.
Like now.
Sitting in front of Wakatoshi was you, eating your food silently because both of you were not that social or talkative type. But unlike Wakatoshi who just keeps himself and speaks only when necessary, you were shy and quiet because you don't even know how to properly start a conversation like a normal person.
(There was one time when an upperclassman asked you something when you were in your first year and because of your incapability to socialize with other people, you abruptly replied 'the weather's great today, isn't it?!' to your unperclassman's dismay of not understanding you.)
Out of nowhere, Wakatoshi's sudden question deeply shook your core.
"What does a woman like to see in a man?"
...
You gave him your most surprised expression he had seen in his time with you.
"Y/N, is there something wrong?" Ushijima worriedly asked you.
"Oh...yeah, of course I'm alright! I'm just...surprise...really."
You looked him in the eye and blushed slightly in a way that can't be seen without thoroughly observing you. Then shyly, you gave him a sheepishly smile and said, "it's just Toshi asking that is unexpected to me..."
Ushijima gave you a clueless expression with a slight tilt of his head to the side.
(Which is too cute for you and your heart cannot take this anymore)
You collected your thoughts again and quickly composed yourself, then looked at him once again. Gathering all will to act as natural as you can be, your mouth moves into a way that's uncomfortable for you. Which is (weird like his question) because it's not that Ushijama will ask you what woman see in a man and bluntly declared to you that he asked that because he is seeing a woman, right?
Right?
No, no, no. What were you talking about? This is Ushijima we're talking about, you know?! That soft giant who is coincidentally an idiot who has volleyball for the brain, you know?! He will never asked you for help because he likes someone.
"Why do you ask? Are you seeing someone, Toshi?"
"Yes, a girl from class 3-5."
You widen your eyes from his answer.
And you can only mumble, "... Oh... That's great..."
—
When you were a child, you used to read many shoujo mangas. Well, you still read in high school . It always mesmerized your young mind with it's beautiful plot and sweetness that your innocent consciousness always expects when hearing love.
Back then, you thought that loving was fun and all feelings were returned in a way or another.
That even the greatest obstacles were nothing in front of true love.
Oh, how foolish you were.
In shoujo mangas you've read, when the female lead meets the male lead, they feel that time stops for a moment. A scenario foreshadowing the affections the female lead will have for the male lead. A fateful encounter where everything starts, where they will face everything to prove their love.
The moment where everything stops.
The moment where your emotions burst out.
How is that similar to your situation, you wonder.
—
Like a true friend you are, you always help your friends when they are in pinch. So when your dearest friend, Wakatoshi, told you his dilemma about his love life, of course you helped him.
Of course, you helped him.
Like a trusted childhood friend you are.
But you got to admit, though.
The girl from class 3-5 is gorgeous. Heavenly, rather. You can see someone like Toshi attracted by her.
She is a beauty, unlike you.
She is intelligent, unlike you.
She is easy going, unlike you.
She has Wakatoshi's love, unlike you.
It's not like Wakatoshi doesn't care about you, it's just different care he gave to that beauty from class 3-5.
A different love he reserved for her.
Not like a brotherly love you received from him.
"I'm happy for you, Toshi. You found that one that's for you," you smiled as you forced yourself to not cry in front of the man you came to love.
He nods at you as he smiles in return, "it's all thanks you, Y/N."
How you wish it was your hand he's holding.
"No. As your friend, it's my job to help you"
How you wish you two weren't friends.
----
I am a fool, you said to yourself.
Three months of constant heartache you endured. A suffering of never-ending pain because of heartbreak. You wondered if there's any hope left for you.
How foolish.
It's not that having your love taken away from you (and it's not he was yours to begin with) is the end of all. It's just your first love is not meant to be. Just like what they say, 'there are many fishes in the pond'. You are bound to meet another and move on.
Forget it and go with the flow.
Forget him and just move on.
But how?
Wakatoshi is constant to your life. Forgetting such a man is no easy feat. A family friend, childhood friend and your first love at that. He is a regular client of your mind, the one you've always thought about. You cannot just remove him to your life and be done with it!
Yes, you just can't move on from him like that. He has always been at your side, even in your darkest hour!
But was he here now?
Even if he doesn't talk a lot, he always talks to you to distract your mind from your problems!
Where was he now?
He always knew what to say to make you calm down if you're overwhelmed by your anxiety!
Is he here?
He always at your side—
Where is he?
"SHUT UP!!!"
You loudly slammed your fists loudly on the surface of the sink. Looking furiously at the mirror in front of you, you saw a similar face as you, tears freely falling from her eyes.
Glaring at the mirror, you say to the reflection from the glass surface, "you fool...! What are you doing...?! Why are you getting angry when he is happy from where he is now...!"
You tried convincing yourself. Even if you are jealous because you couldn't have your Wakatoshi's love, you should be happy for him.
"... I should be happy for him as a friend...! I should smile for him...! As a person who's happy for her friend who found his happiness...! I... I should be... I should be smiling right now...
So...
... What are you crying for, you fool...?!"
Glaring at the mirror, you can't see the smile nor the joyful expression you should have.
A tear stained face and a pitiful expression of a maiden who lost her love.
Love should be more happy. It should be more like fairy tales, a happy ending with happily ever after.
It should not make you jealous. It should not make you sad. It should not hurt you.
It wasn't supposed to be a painful experience for you.
In the midst of your self-reflection, you remembered a conversation with a certain man.
"You should have confess your undying love to him so it can lessen your pain~"
"Confess? Too late for that, Tendou-san. Confessing will do nothing but complicate this situation."
"If you did it earlier, you wouldn't be in this predicament, you know?
Right, N/N-chan?"
"I'm really a fool..." You sighed, "there's no telling if he'll reciprocate my feelings..."
Taking a loud breath, "if only I..."
"Say, Toshi... You wouldn't leave me right?"
"Of course not."
"You will not hurt me, right?
"You are my friend and will always be my friend. I wouldn't dream to hurt you."
Will always be a friend...
"Say, Toshi..."
If you weren't my friend, would you return my broken heart?
Will it not hurt any more?
If only you weren't my friend, would we be happy?