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Foxes lived close together. Since my first year with them, a lot has changed. When I arrived in the weeks before I graduated and started my professional career, we were united as a team should be. Every semester there was a dinner at which the old members met the new members and drank a lot. We celebrated a lot. Our team had been experiencing an incredible phase since Neil's first year, and we have become important on the college sports scene. Andrew would graduate next year and would also enter a professional career.
Everything was going well.
There were no secrets between the team members. Of course, the relationship with those who were not on Neil's first year was not the same as that between us 9, but we tried to keep something friendly with everyone, at least (it is quite obvious that this was my father's request).
Everyone believed that we were sincere about everything, but in my last year, something happened and I had to keep it a secret.
The choice of the secret was not only to not affect my career, but also to keep someone's life peaceful, without disturbances.
What would Andrew think if he knew that?
What would Neil think?
What would our friends think?
I needed to keep it a secret. He had to keep it a secret, mainly because he had a girlfriend.
There was Katelyn. At least in the beginning, when we spent sleepless nights, talking. These nights when Neil and Andrew disappeared to the roof or fled to another place, with the intention of being alone. In the beginning, we got closer just because we were bored.
In the first nights we just played video games. So, we started talking more. I met a side of Aaron that I hadn't noticed before. He was no longer the bitter and angry twin.
Aaron was the dedicated student, who really wanted to work with something he liked. He who liked the sport, but never considered it as a possibility for his life.
I made room for him in my life in a way that only Neil and Andrew had. He then knew my thoughts on things that went beyond Exy. He knew about how I felt about my approach to my father and how we were dealing with it, our past and trauma.
Aaron was decent, and that surprised me the most.
He stopped the complaints he always made about his brother's relationship. That was interesting. I started to notice him more and his way of reacting to the situations that arose.
After a while, we stopped using the nights alone as an excuse to talk. We met on nights when Andrew and Neil were in the dorm. It was then our turn to run away to be alone.
It was on one of those nights away from the dorm that we kissed for the first time.
We were sitting next to the university library. It was dawn and we would have training in the early morning, but neither wanted to go to sleep.
- I broke up with Katelyn. - Aaron spoke out of nowhere. I was silent, not knowing why he was telling me this.
These nights of ours were becoming more and more common. When Andrew had asked me about them, I had replied that it was to make more room for him to stay with Neil. Andrew from two years ago would have complained about it, but Andrew from that moment said nothing. I knew this was something he wanted. That they both wanted.
As we spent more time together, I wanted to be with him more and more. I was looking for reasons to talk to him in between classes, during the rest periods in training. Aaron smiled more and I loved being there.
Only I didn't understand how much I wanted to kiss him until he said he was done with the relationship.
- And how are you with this? - I ask, trying, at the same time, to understand what I was feeling. What was the desire to kiss this man?
I had already kissed men. Um, actually. Jean. I had never thought about it much, as it was with my relationship with Thea (which ended months after Riko's death). It was just something I did, without really being interested. I believe I never really had an interest in the things I did besides Exy. So, feeling interested in something was really a surprise.
And there I was. Looking at the mouth of the man beside me and thinking about how it would feel against mine.
- I realized that I no longer liked her the same way as before.
- How boring.
He shrugged and leaned back on the bench, looking up at the sky above us.
- Not say it.
- Why not?
- Because I did it because I wanted something else.
- And what would it be?
He looked at me, smiled and winked.
What does that mean, dammit?
I stared at him, understanding nothing.
Aaron laughed and walked over to say something in my ear.
- You.
I felt a chill with his breath on my skin. He then laughed softly and brought his lips close to my neck. At that moment, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when I felt his kiss on my neck.
- This is interesting, - I said, as he stared at me, waiting for my reaction.
- Why?
I shrugged my shoulders.
Aaron laughed and sat up straight, looking up at the sky again.
Thinking that the moment was right, I approached without making a noise. He was focused on looking at the sky, but he noticed my approach. When he understood what I intended to do, Aaron smiled.
And I kissed your lips. I kissed your smile.
And that was our first kiss.
After that, there were many others.
We spent months kissing in hidden corners.
But my graduation came and Aaron broke up with me. No one knew about us. No one would ever know, because there were no more of us.
In the last few years, in all the fox encounters, he hasn't shown up.
Today we will have another one. I'm sure he won't show up.
I know how your life has been in the past because of Nicky, who likes to talk about everything and everyone. He's always so excited that I never ask him to stop. Besides, I really want to know how Aaron is doing.
Is it wrong for me to torture myself like that?
Certainly. But I don't care anymore.
In the last 4 years, since the last time I saw him, I haven't been able to overcome it. I still feel something for him, even though I force myself not to try to define what it is. I was never able to forget it, even though I tried.
I gave in to the sport, but it wasn't enough. I indulged in futile relationships for a single night. They just made me miss him more, so in time, I stopped them.
He resumed his relationship with Katelyn.
Either I was just a hobby for him, or he knew how to get over me so quickly.
He left her at that time because he wanted me. But after he left me, he wanted her again.
Did he really want me at some point?
I wasted many sleepless nights thinking about it.
I never considered myself an emotional person, attached to romance, but I got attached to him in a way that I considered impossible. And I don't know how to get out of this.
So, when I arrive at the restaurant where the team's dinner will take place, I am confident that he will not appear again. I see a short blond man and I suppose it's Andrew, but when I see another one like him, I get stuck.
I am only a few steps from the table and some of my ex colleagues have already seen me and are smiling at me.
- Day! - Matt yells, getting up from the table. Beside you, your wife is showing me a big smile. Upon hearing my name, Aaron turns towards me.
He is alone. Nicky is at his side, and he comes running to me to hug me. Aaron, on the other hand, sits down and ignores me.
I give my dad a hug and let Nicky pull me over to sit next to Andrew. My friend doesn't say anything, but her boyfriend, Neil, smiles at me.
- Are you alright? - Andrew asks me quietly, surprising me.
- I am. Why wouldn't I be? - He doesn't answer me, but looks in the direction of his brother.
He knows?
How is this possible?!
I stare at Andrew, waiting for an answer, but he just looks at me for a few seconds before pulling Neil's hand over his thigh.
The volume of conversations is high, and I try to talk to Dan, who is sitting across from me. She talks about how her job as a coach is doing and I watch how Matt regards her with pure adoration.
I try to avoid looking in Aaron's direction, and I do this until the moment everyone finishes eating. My dad asks everyone to be silent, and before looking at him, I look at Aaron. He's staring at me.
Maybe he also didn't expect to find me here tonight. But I am not the one who missed all the previous dinners. I always came. He could imagine that I would be here.
- I would like to thank you all for attending today. It was a long time since all the foxes came, and I am very happy to have that today. - My father smiles at Aaron, who is embarrassed by the attention being on him.
I cannot pay attention to the rest of my father's speech, as I am focused on watching the face of the man I have kissed so many times.
Even after 4 years, I still remember the feeling of your lips against mine. I remember that Aaron liked to bite my neck. I remember there were times when I couldn't take my shirt off in front of teammates, because my skin was full of marks that he had left on me.
Aaron realizes that I am looking at him, and looks back at me.
Andrew also notices, because he nudges me in the ribs. When I look at him, Andrew is looking at Neil's hand, which he holds on the table.
Bastard.
- Let's enjoy that the restaurant is reserved for us tonight and we will drink. Except Kevin, because he travels early tomorrow and has an important game tomorrow night. - My father being a father and coach. My father embarrassing me in front of everyone.
But I do not care. I laugh with them.
I like the relationship we have developed over the years.
I like that he sometimes travels to watch my games, and when I can, I go to the fox games.
One supports the other. And he is proud of me.
I talk to some of the new players on the team, who want to know about their professional careers. I avoid drinking anything, because I really don't want to have a hangover the next day, and also for fear of ending up doing something that I might regret. And, maybe that's the main reason, Andrew doesn't let any glass of drink come near me.
- Aaron - Nicky's voice catches my eye and I stop what I was saying to one of the newbies. I don't look directly, but I pay attention. - Where's Katelyn?
- She couldn't come along.
They are still together. It makes me angry.
I feel jealous.
He hasn't been mine in 4 years, but I still feel pain when I know he's with someone. Who is with her.
I leave the table, pushing the chair angrily and head towards the bar.
Andrew follows me, and this time he doesn't stop me when I grab a beer.
Many things have changed since our time on the team, and that includes our relationship with drinking. Neither drinks more, but I feel that today I need it. And he feels it too, so let me have a beer before I leave the bar.
Andrew takes me to the parking lot without saying anything.
- Since when? - I ask. I don't need to explain what that question is about. He certainly knows what I'm talking about.
- From the first night you were alone. - He shrugs, puts his hands in the front pockets of his jeans.
- You never said anything.
- What did you want me to say? What about congratulations for making out?
I smile.
- I dont know. Maybe some sarcastic comment about him kissing a man? - I'm funny.
- No one's sexuality is in my interest. I have my relationship with Neil, so nobody else's affects me. And if the two of you were something that could be bad for you, I would have said something.
- And if you didn't say ...
- It's because I knew there was no risk.
I nod, thinking about it.
- Does Neil know?
- No. At least I never told him about it, but nothing prevents him from noticing.
- So he doesn't know.
Andrew looks at me with an angry expression.
Tip: Never say anything that might be bad about Neil to Andrew.
- He's slow to figure things out, you know that.
Andrew continues to stare at me angrily.
- Do you think Aaron tried to avoid me in recent years?
- Yes.
- And why did he show up today?
- Why did he realize he was being an idiot? - Andrew suggests.
I remain silent, thinking about it. Andrew takes the cigarette pack from the inside pocket of his jacket. I watch as he smokes.
- I think I'm leaving. I need to be rested for the game and I still have to catch a flight early.
Andrew nods, puts out his cigarette, and instructs me to enter the restaurant.
Aaron has his back to us, talking to Neil and Nicky. We approached the three, as I intend to say goodbye to Neil and Nicky before leaving.
- When will the wedding be? - Nicky asks. I look at Andrew, who looks at me. Marriage is not something very much like him and Neil, so I suppose Nicky is talking to Aaron.
They will marry?!
- I don't even decide to propose yet. Calm down.
Aaron laughs. Your laugh sounds fake. At least for me.
- Neil, Nicky, - I say as I approach. The three look at me. - I'm leaving. I just wanted to say goodbye to you and say that when you want to visit me, just call me first.
I smile at them and when I go towards my father, I make a point of bumping into Aaron.
After informing my father that I am tired and that I need to return to the hotel, I leave without speaking to anyone else. Andrew is waiting for me in the parking lot and stays with me until the car I ordered through the app arrives. Neither speaks for a long time. When I'm getting in the car, he calls my name.
- I hope you will someday get over my brother's idiot.
I smile, get in the car and close the door.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I take my phone out of my blazer pocket and open Aaron's profile on social media. I do this for the first time in 4 years. It's full of pictures of him and Katelyn and it just makes me feel angrier.
How could I have been so stupid as to believe that he liked me?
The ride to the hotel is too fast and too frustrating. I wanted to be going to my own home. I need a family atmosphere. I need distance. Distance from foxes, from what they represent in my life. They represent family, comfort. They represent good memories. But there is also Aaron, and he is present in all those memories.
As soon as I enter the room, I take off my blazer and throw it on the floor. I pull several buttons from the dress shirt in a hurry to get it out of my body.
I sit on the edge of the bed and try to control my breathing.
I stay minutes like that. The whole room is dark.
Knocks on the door catch my eye. Willingness to shout for whoever it is, to leave. I dont want anybody. But the strikes continue.
Tired and believing that there is no alternative but to open the door, I walk over to her.
I unlock it and open it.
- Hi. - Aaron is standing staring at me.
He, taking advantage of my surprise, pushes the door far enough to enter the room. Aaron then closes the door behind him and flattens his hand on my chest. We both looked at his hand until he started to push me back. I let him take me to the bed, where he forces me to sit.
- As soon as you left, Andrew handed me a paper with the name of the hotel and your room number. He told me that I had a few minutes to decide what I wanted.
I do not know what to answer. I do not want to answer.
I'm afraid this is going to be a hallucination.
My mind playing tricks on what I want so badly. Aaron Minyard.
- So when he did that, I got in my car. I made a call that was not the best attitude I ever had, but it was necessary for me to be able to be here.
- And what is it? - I ask, curious.
- I ended my relationship with Katelyn. She knew that this dinner was going to be a time when I would decide if I would like to continue with her or not, so I believe she was already waiting for it.
Even though I don't want to, my mind takes me back to years ago, when he said he was done with her. That night, we kissed for the first time.
- I think you need to ask me a question.
- And what would be?
- Repeat: Why are you here?
I do what he asks and repeat his question.
Aaron smiles and starts to open the buttons on his blue shirt.
- I'm here to say that I want you. Just as I wanted it years ago. - He takes off his shirt and lets it fall to the floor. Then he takes off his shoes and opens the button on his jeans. I try to keep my eyes fixed on his face, and when I do, I find him smiling at me. - Now, Kevin, the question is: do you want me?
I reach out and touch my abdomen with my fingertips. He still has the healed body he had at the time.
I look into your eyes and smile.
- I always wanted you. I never stopped wanting.
He pushes me, so that I lie on the bed. Aaron stands over me and kisses me.
- I was in the wrong direction for a while, but I came back to you. Please take me back. - Your lips ask next to mine.
Yes, Aaron. I take you back.