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The surrounding area is grim and cold, the faintest light shining ahead. A silhouette of a body appears upfront, the rest of the vision coming to focus. Gon blinks once, recognizing the stitched corpse of Kite in front of him, afraid to speak. He realizes he was in the castle where Pitou had taken him to, where they'd promise to heal Kite. Feeling sick to his stomach, he wanted to move, to leave this place.
Only he couldn’t. He’s unable to move his body, and he realizes he’s been weeping. Recognizing Pitou to the side, his stomach drops, the underlying anger slowly rising. He sees that they’re using that one Nen ability, Doctor Blythe, to heal their broken arm that Gon previously broken. Slowly, the memories filled his brain, and some of the previous emotions rose: anger, guilt, incompetence. This was confusing to him.
Why am I here?
He blinked again, but once opening his eyes, the scenery had changed. He was walking outside, in the forest in Peijin, and he could sense Pitou following behind. This was after he had told them that they’d fight outside, and when his body changed. Fear ran through his mind, but he was stuck like this, unable to stop himself. He couldn’t speak, so all he could do was scream inside his thoughts as he begged to stop. Anticipating their surprise attack, he felt himself kick Pitou high up in the air, and he wanted to throw up.
Gon tried rapidly blinking, as it was the only thing he could do, but the scene kept playing. His immense aura clouded his thoughts, growing numb whenever his fists made contact with Pitou’s bloody body, until he eventually killed them. At some point, Killua was there, as he detected him faintly. He said something, but Gon couldn’t make it out, mortified by the sight of violet blood splattered on the huge tree in front, along with his arms.
He wanted so badly to reach out to Killua. But he couldn’t. It wouldn't do anything anyway, as nothing would change. This was just a recap of the past, but he couldn’t escape it. He wanted to scream, to break away, to never remember this event again.
This must be my punishment. For my past actions. For what I put Killua through. Gon concluded, tears streaming down his face. I’m sorry.
His arm was now severed, as he realized the scene changed again. He remembered being saved from the nearly devastating blow from Pitou's decapitated corpse. Seeing the terror in Killua’s eyes, he couldn’t help but stare back in reciprocation. Atleast, that’s what he wanted to portray to him, despite this being a memory.
He knew what was coming next, as he uncontrollably impaled the corpse with his own arm, remembering word-for-word what he said as he said it. For a moment, he started to relive in that moment, as he was about to use Jajanken one last time for the final blow. Maybe this time, he could bring peace within himself, and with everyone else he cared about. No one would have to worry about him anymore.
“GON!”
~
Gon jolted up, breathing heavily and in cold sweat. He glanced around the room, realizing he was back in his own room, and immediately noticing Killua was sound asleep next to him. Reaching out a hand, he realized his hand was trembling, and his thoughts became fuzzy. Swallowing, his mouth went dry, and he slowly started to hyperventilate. He felt as if he was suffocating, and he needed to leave immediately.
Without wanting to wake anyone, he knew he couldn't leave his house normally. Rolling off his bed, he walked towards his window, quickly and quietly, and opened it. He effortlessly jumped off, landing on his feet without making a sound. Landing on the cold, hard ground pierced against his bare feet, but he didn’t care. He also didn’t care that he was wearing shorts and a tank top, despite it being a winter night. He instantly sprinted towards the forest, the chilly breeze helping cool him off. Too distracted, he payed no attention to where he was stepping, and only focused looking forward.
He mindlessly began running towards the area he’d usually go to whenever he was upset. It was a secluded beach, a place he’d previously shown Killua. It didn’t take long to arrive there, as he’s been there over dozens of times by now, and could probably get there without vision. Upon arriving, he plopped down, comforted by the cold sand and the dull sound of the waves. Bringing his knees to his chest, he rested his hand on top of them, undermining the occasional freezing ocean that brushed against his bruised feet. The cold, salty water stung, but it was the least painful thing he could feel.
Frustrated, he let out a shout, tightening his grip on his upper arm. He was careless about the surrounding nature that could have been provoked, or even other people who happened to be around. The possibility was doubtful, since it was the middle of the night. Tears prodded against his eyelids, and he furiously wiped them away against his knees. He was upset that he still had nightmares like this. He was upset he was selfish enough to do what he did, even if it meant his life. Regardless, everyone else moved on, so why couldn't he?
At the time, once realizing Kite was dead, he blamed himself. He was reckless; he had gotten one of Ging's student's killed. Someone who he looked up to. Without him, he wouldn't even be aware of his father's current existence or the Hunter Association. How could he have been worthy to meet Ging then? His mind was conflicted between self-blame and blaming it on the chimera ant who murdered him. A conclusion had then come up: to kill that ant and himself. That way, he could avenge his role-model, but also to prevent something like this from happening ever again.
But before he could off himself, Killua had saved him. He had came back for him, despite how he treated him beforehand. Even though he could have been seriously hurt, or worse. And if anything were to happen to him, he couldn't begin to fathom the guilt and pain he'd experience. He'd already felt strongly about Kite's death, but Killua was especially important to him.
He was still baffled that Killua forgave him, despite all that. Gon had apologized before, more than once, and Killua always forgave him. Deep down, he still didn't feel deserving of his acceptance.
It was hard for Gon to accept that his actions were a result of trauma. And it was even harder to accept that Killua sincerely did forgive him. It was hard to accept that he does love him the way he loved him. But that was partially why he did what he did. Because he loved him, and because he was willing to do anything to ensure Killua lived and was safe. Even if that meant Gon couldn't.
After being healed, Gon hated the fact his best friend had saved him, at least for a while. He genuinely felt he didn’t deserve that, because he was responsible for Kite, and if he couldn’t even prevent his outcome, how could he protect Killua? Especially after he’s protected him without his knowing? Everything he's been through, every struggle he overcame because of Gon. When Killua eventually confronted him about that, he felt even more guilty. He felt as if he involuntarily took from him without giving anything back. It was hard to see that it was a lie; it was far from the truth. Killua made sure to try and make him see that.
Why?
Why did I selfishly make Killua worry so much?
Why wasn’t I a better friend to him?
Why did he come back for me then?
Why couldn't I have died?
Why?
"Gon?"
Snapping out of his mind, Gon hadn't realized that someone approached behind him. His breathing stopped, freezing upon recognizing the voice. Anxiety rose in his stomach, and began feeling nauseous. He didn't mean to wake Killua up, or for him to follow him out here. Slowly raising his head up, he heard Killua sit down next to him, unable to make eye contact. His body grew hot, and he began to shake.
Killua glanced over at him, concerned. He raised a hand, contemplating on touching his face, but decided against it. It was heart-wrecking to see him like this, but it was also somewhat relieving as Gon didn’t try to leave as soon as he realized he was here. He reached over to touch his shoulder, squeezing it in an attempt at reassurance, before moving to rub his back hesitantly. Gon didn't deny any of his advances, so he took it as a green light and kept his hand in place.
“Do…do you want to talk about it?” Killua struggled, self-conscious about his word choice. It was pointless to ask what was wrong, since he was clearly in distress. He wasn’t as skillful as Gon was when it came to comforting others. The only person he truly felt comfortable doing so with was Alluka, but it was easier since she’s his sister, and he's known her longer. It didn't make him feel weak for vulnerable with her, because she never once saw him as such.
Gon was his first best friend, crush, and love. Even though they’ve been through a lot together, Killua found it hard to be emotionally available with him, so he mostly kept them to himself. Anytime he was serious about his past trauma or the ongoing experiences they’ve shared, it was always casual or gloating. Whenever Gon praised or showed concernment towards him, he couldn’t easily accept it without masking his feelings by replying with some type of rebuttal. Showing any sincerity made him feel exposed and skittish.
However, he wanted to get better at that. Being with Alluka helped, as she constantly gave him affection and praised him. He had done the same for her, as he treasured and loved her deeply. Being affectionate and emotional was innate to Alluka, and she responded well to receiving the same thing. It was one of the many things he loved about her. She's always been so patient with him, and she will continue to be that for him. Nanika was the same, and loved him dearly, and wanted nothing more than for him to be happy.
Though Gon was a personal challenge for Killua, it was also somewhat easy. The years they've spent apart has matured them, especially with their mindset and emotions. He found it easier to be more open about his feelings towards Gon, more so than the entirety they've spent together before they've split. Gon always appreciated and encouraged him, which always made Killua feel heard. His friends knew he was trying, and that was enough for him.
Gon murmured something under his breath, lowering his head and resting his chin on top of his knees. A plethora of thoughts were running through his mind, and it was overwhelming for them both.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, being the only thing he could muster.
Killua wasn’t exactly sure if he was talking to him. It sounded like he was apologizing in general, as if it was directed towards multiple people. He silently wept, unable to stop shaking. Cursing under his breath, he dug his toes into the sand the same time he gripped his arm tighter. Getting concerned, Killua moved to grip his hand in an attempt to pull it away from his arm.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, rubbing his eyes against his other arm. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
I'm sorry for being a burden, he wanted to say.
Killua frowned, offended by that. Of course I’m worried, idiot. You ran off without saying a word!
He wouldn’t say it like that, however. It wouldn’t help anything. He was always protective of him, genuinely worried something happened when he woke. He remembered feeling the empty bed space, where Gon was supposed to be, along with cold breeze blowing in the room. The window was open, and Gon had vanished. The only thing he could think of was him, as he slipped on his shoes, grabbed a jacket, and bolted out the window.
“Gon,” Killua placed his hands on his shoulders, turning his body to face him. “I care about you. I don't care about the time of day, if something made you feel this way, you bet your ass I'll be here for you.”
For the first time since he’s gotten here, Gon glanced up at him, eyes glossy. He looked helplessly at him, as more tears escaped his eyes. He hated how weak he was, and that Killua was here to witness that. The worrisome glare in his eyes made his stomach churn, and he shut his eyes, looking away. Killua was getting genuinely upset; he just wanted to help.
“I had a nightmare,” he eventually confessed, his voice quiet. “About Kite.”
The other grew uncomfortable, realizing what that meant. He was talking about that specific event in East Gorteau, during the palace invasion. Releasing his grip, he crossed his legs and placed his hands in his lap awkwardly. Understanding the other's emotions, he grew cold, not wanting to recall those memories.
“You were also in it,” he said, voice cracking. He cringed at the shift of Killua's aura, already knowing his expression.
“I think it was more of a flashback? I couldn’t move or speak,” his breathing grew heavy again, digging his nails into his skin unintentionally. “All I could feel was fury and fear, along with the sight of blood.”
Killua grabbed his hand, removing his grip and holding it. He left himself a red mark, but he didn’t dig deep enough to pierce the arm and draw blood. The younger teen wanted nothing more than to kiss the mark, but it would be inappropriate right now.
“I’m so sorry, Killua," Gon broke into a noisy sob, hiding his face behind his other arm. "I’m sorry for everything.”
His voice cracked at the last part. Tears and snot covered his face, and he couldn't hold it back anymore. Unaware of his own tears, Killua pulled him in for a side hug, tightly embracing his shaking body. Gon meekly held onto him, crying on his chest, soaking his shirt. Killua couldn’t care less, as he buried his face in his hair, his own tears falling.
"I'm sorry for endangering you."
"I'm sorry for never considering your feelings."
"I'm sorry for being so goddamn selfish."
He was confused as to why he was apologizing, when he'd already forgiven him. Killua grew angry, and he wanted to slap him so he'd snap out of it.
"I'm sorr--"
“Stop apologizing!” he weakly croaked, clasping his mouth with his hand. He turned his head as he cupped Gon’s, his face sullen. Seeing his saddened expression only made Killua tear up even more, as more fresh tears fell. “It’s in the past. I already forgave you, dumbass!”
Gon’s guilt kept eating at him, but he wanted to believe Killua. His tears were wiped by his thumbs, which he leaned into the touch.
"But why?" He barely whispered, closing his eyes.
“Because you mean the world to me!” He exclaimed, face growing hot. Groaning, he jerked his face closer, causing the other to look directly at him. “I can’t begin to imagine what you were going through. But what matters is that you’re still here!”
And I'm so glad you're still here. I don't know what I would've done otherwise.
He blinked, seeing his sapphire eyes glisten from tears. He almost couldn’t believe the sight. Killua was here, during one of his bad nights, when he'd usually spent these nights alone. With his thoughts, telling him he deserved to die. But the look on Killua's face told him otherwise. He deserved to live, not just for him, or his friends and family, but for himself.
“Please stop blaming yourself, Gon,” he pleaded, pressing their foreheads together. “You were a kid. You lost someone important, and you felt responsible. But you weren’t.”
Gon’s breathing slowed down, placing his arms around his neck. He mustered a smile, his tears seemingly never-ending. Killua weakly chuckled, relieved to see the bright, warm expression he's grown to love.
"I love you," he whispered sincerely, his eyes closed. "I love you so much it hurts. But it's nothing like any torture I've endured."
His words were reassuring, with Gon's grin growing bigger. He wanted nothing more than to stay like this, feel Killua’s presence and touch and never let that go. He felt extremely lucky that he was still here with him; that he forgave him, that he loved him regardless. Without warning, he pressed his lips against his vehemently, feeling the cool, soft lips against his warm, chapped ones. They were both crying, but the salty taste of their tears was the least of their worries. Shaking, Killua kissed back earnestly, squishing his cheeks for emphasis that he wasn’t going anywhere.
They broke off not even ten seconds later, already out of breath. The kiss took them both by surprise, as they were exhausted enough. Gon pouted at his boyfriend's tears, feeling guilty for making him cry, gently wiping them away with his own wet, sandy hands. Killua couldn’t care less, as he let out a shaky sigh of relief, giving him a small smile.
“Thank you,” Gon murmured, placing his hands on top of Killua’s, which were still cupping his face. He pressed another lingering kiss, indulging in seeing his crimson face. “For never leaving me. For always being here for me.”
Killua’s brows furrowed, resisting the urge to flick his forehead. Are you really this dense?
“Idiot..” he mumbled, shutting his eyes as he leaned in closer. “I never want to leave your side. I want to be with you as long as you'll let me.”
Gon chuckled sheepishly, pressing their foreheads once more, rubbing against his hands as he got them wet from tears. Despite their moistness, his fingers were still warm against Killua’s cold ones. Casually picking up a finger from each hand, he placed them around his shoulders, wanting to be even impossibly closer. Killua rolled his eyes, letting his arms dangle off his shoulders.
“Well, I hope you wouldn’t mind forever, then,” he responded with a snarky undertone and a cheeky grin. The pale teen snickered, catching Gon off guard with a peck on the lips with a smug grin.
“Good. That was the plan, anyway,” he said nonchalantly, smiling warmly. He was secretly relieved that Gon really did want to be by his side forever.
And Gon was relieved that Killua wanted to stay with him. To never leave his side. He was too selfish, and constantly wanted him too much to ever let him go. For the first time, he felt overwhelmed by his unconditional love, and he crawled onto his lap, hugging him by his torso and burying his face into the crook of his neck. Inhaling deeply, he found his scent familiar and homey, and he wanted to drown in it. Killua became flustered, shuffling a bit, as his neck was sensitive upon contact. After adjusting, he relaxed and brought a hand to his back, feeling his warmth exerting. The thin fabric of his tank top was basically nonexistent, as he traced his fingers up and down his spine, which oddly enough, Gon found soothing.
"Killua?"
"Hm?"
"I love you.." His voice trailed off, sleepiness washing over him.
Killua smiled, pressing a kiss on top of his forehead.
"I love you, too."
They were like this for a few minutes, but Killua himself grew weary, mostly due to Gon’s warmth. He’d rather cuddle him in the comfort of their bed, as opposed to outside on a cold beach. Looking down, he noticed that his boyfriend had been resting his eyes, his breathing slow and mouth slightly open. He almost felt bad for waking him, but he lightly patted his head, trailing down to his cheek, easily making him regain some consciousness.
“Hey, we should get back,” Killua softly spoke, only receiving a whine in response.
Gon tightly embraced him for a moment before giving up, nodding underneath his chin. He didn’t want to admit that he was drowsy, and could barely walk without bumping or tripping on something. Killua noted this, standing up with Gon in his arms, maneuvering him by holding him bridal-style. He placed his arms securely around his neck before he began walking back to the house. As he descended into the forest, the atmosphere grew darker as the trees covered the night sky. This forest was similar to the forest back at his old home in Kukuroo Mountain, but a lot smaller, so it was never a challenge for Killua to navigate throughout.
He was glad Gon was half-asleep to acknowledge how Killua was carrying him. They’ve only ever carried each other piggy-back style. It felt different, but Killua definitely didn’t mind it. Often enough, he’d glance down at him, his eyes peacefully closed despite the surrounding noises of nature. He couldn't help but admire him, both his strength and perseverance. Even after a terrible night like this, Gon somehow glowed, radiating warmth and light. And that he trusted him with his feelings, something that he himself still struggled with. It was proof that he's grown from before, and he wanted nothing more than to grow with him.
The walk was quick, and he ended up back at the house, going towards the wall where Gon’s opened window remained. He figured he should probably come in the same way they left, to avoid waking anyone else. He tucked Gon's head and legs towards his chest before making an effortless jump, landing perfectly on the small ledge of his window before jumping down onto the bedroom floor silently. Placing down his boyfriend on his bed, he went back to close the window, along with the curtains, the room immensely darker. It was perfect, as Killua preferred sleeping in nearly pitch-black.
His arms reached up, quickly stretching as he kicked off his sneakers before crawling into bed beside Gon. Immediately as he laid down, Gon attached to him, his arm around his torso and intertwining their legs. Killua didn’t mind, deciding there was no need for covers as Gon's body warmth more than sufficed. He hummed, planting one last kiss on his lips, drawing no reaction from the other. Almost instantly, his own exhaustion overcame him and passed out, his hand on top of Gon’s arm while the other hung over his own head.
Neither of them got a goodnight sleep, but that only meant there’d be a valid excuse for cuddle naps the next day.