Archive of Our Own ^beta

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No one told me what being a goddess meant. I had no idea what to expect. Believe it or not, being a deity doesn’t exactly come with an instruction manual. It would be so much easier if it did. Really.

Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like such a failure.

But there was one thing I thought I knew how to do above all else. Find the balance. Restore the balance. For good.

Oh, but what the cost would be for such a perfect future! I knew what it would be, but I didn’t know if I had what it took to make that choice… that sacrifice. But would I not be as selfish as my brothers if I threw away the chance… to save myself?

Because I am the runaway girl.

The scared little girl that I have always been.

This could be my redemption arc. An apology and atonement for all that I have done. All my mistakes. All my…

Failures.

So as I stand here before the tree of life, I know what I must do. A sacrifice of everything that makes me who I am: my morals, my empathy… my humanity. I take the leap of faith. I become what I was meant to be.

A shell of my former self.

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It had been far too long since we landed right back where we started. I’m so tired of this. Portals and people I can’t stand. Separation from the people that I do like. Love? I don’t know. That word gets thrown around so often. What does it even mean?

Ugh. Love. It’s kind of disgusting when you think about it, isn’t it? It’s this unknown, undefinable feeling. You’re supposed to just know that you love someone or something. But you don’t ever just know! It sucks! Then people assume you’re in love because you’ve devoted your life to someone else. To their service. To their… goals. Until you’ve sacrificed yourself and everything you’ve ever wanted and now you’re nothing but a shell and a waste of space that can’t do anything on your own but you know… you just KNOW!

You’re supposed to know!

I don’t know.

I’ve never known!

How pathetic is that? I’m almost 40. I don’t know shit about the real world or what it means to be…

A man.

A father.

A friend…

…

…

A lover.

I don’t know what it means to be a lover. A partner. Someone treated with equal respect and agency. But no! I don’t know what that is!

Do I want to know?

Sometimes I wonder… and sometimes I know the truth.

I don’t want to know.

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You’ve been gone for so long, Steve, but I still dream of you. I still dream of apples. I can smell them. Taste them. Feel that initial crunch of apple skin and the resistance to my teeth. An indent. A perfect ring.

Just like the perfect ring I had always wanted you to give me. I loved… no. I love you. So much. It hurts each day we’re apart. I’m so alone. I think I’ve always been alone. I hide behind vague flirtations with anyone who gives me attention. I hide behind every sweet smile or friendly word and every simple favor I can bestow upon those that once helped me ascend to what I thought was my potential.

But did you know? I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to follow my mother’s footsteps. It was too much for me. The magic. The power.

The nightmares.

I can’t remember the last night where I didn’t have nightmares that shook me to my core. Terror striking at random, attacking the very innate aspects of myself that were once so revered and so admired. The things that let me be seen! They saw me, Steve! They saw me and my magic and my power, but what did they think of it in the end?

Oh Martha. Can you do this?

Marthanite, can you fix this?

Make this armor. Smite this zombie. Fight the taint.

Martha. Martha… Martha!

Do this! Do that! No, not that. This! Fix it, make it, fight it, smite it, be this, be that

Be this, be that, be this be that be this be that be THIS BE THAT BE THIS! BE THAT!

A mantra chanted on repeat. I don’t want to be this or that! I only want one thing, and it’s one thing I can’t have. Not without some greater sacrifice that I don’t know if I have the strength to make.

I want you, Steve. In my arms, in my life. In my bed. I want you… but I can’t have it. Not without dying, and I’ve made my choice years ago by now to be a goddess. I can’t ever die. I can’t ever be with you again… but what I can do is what I’ve been doing this whole time.

I’ll dream of apples.

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There are perks, you know, to being a goddess. To knowing that if I wanted to be somewhere else, I could be there. I could just close my eyes and dream and wish so hard---

Ha. No. That’s not how this works. Not really.

But there’s still truth to it. If I’m unhappy with something, I can change it. I can change my fate and the fate of others. This strange world we’ve found ourselves in, the one where my father spent 10 long years not knowing what happened to me or mother or anyone else in our famil---

Our family. Right. Our family that, save for the two of us and the tiniest of Ianitas, is gone. The three of us are all that remain of the Conway family. Perhaps it’s for the best.

Yet it reminds me. Ianita, that small child. She should be considered my sister, but it’s more than that. She’s started calling me “mommy” sometimes. It’s endearing, that sweet little child. I love her so much. Sometimes knowing that I have to return from an outing for her sake is what I need.

You see, I could never be a mother myself.

I never wanted to be, and neither did Steve. Well. He didn’t want to be a father. Heh, if he had potential of being a mother I think some things would have gone far different.

Smiling.

Wow, I’m smiling. It’s been so long since I’ve smiled!

And to think, all it took was a little bit of a mis-thought. Mis-thought? Is that truly what it is? I guess it must be. It was a thought that missed.

Heh. A missed thought. That’s… yeah. That’s perfect.

But for now, I have a small child that deserves all the cuddles and hugs and love that I lacked in my own childhood… and for her? I’ll make the best of this life.

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So, brother, are you ready?

Ready for what?

The end, of course. What else could I be talking about?

How pathetic. It’s the end, and you ask if I am ready. What answer are you hoping for?

Any answer, Brother.

Yes, but are you sure you want to know that answer?

Of course. If I didn’t want to know, I wouldn’t have asked.

Fine. If you insist. Yes. I’m ready. I knew this day would come.

Did you?

Of course I did! Do you really believe that despite everything the world could exist with just us? I may be the embodiment and personification of Order in All Things… and you the personification of a pain in my ass---

Shut up and get on with it.

Fine, fine. Ruin my last attempt at fun. We are but extremes, Brother. We are the black and the white of morality. Of two ends of a singular spectrum that repeats infinitely.

Again, what’s your point? I’d rather not spend the last of my time on this damned plane listening to you monologue.

Ah, but that’s the point! We who are so vastly different and oppositional are the ones that remain. But we cannot be the remainder. If I’ve learned anything from those mortals…

You learned something? Color me surprised.

Silence. What I have learned is that our world cannot continue without every shade of grey in between you and I.

And what happened to that grey?

It’s gone.

Ianite.

Precisely.

So I am to spend the rest of existence lamenting that our… sister… is gone. Is she though? Or are we the ones that will be gone?

I do not know. What I do know is that we alone cannot carry on.

We need them.

The Voices.

Yes.

They know what we have told them.

And?

If you’re sure… then fine. Let them choose their sides. Let them carry on.

And carry on they shall.

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It had been far too long since we jumped.

I’ve lost track of how long we fell before we finally landed.

But isn’t that the case for most things when you spend years of your life in an endless void, surrounded by your makeshift family, hesitant allies, and the alternate version of someone you wish had died?

Or so I thought. I didn’t know much. I think I had two or three birthdays… which means Alyssa has had two or three birthdays.

Shit.

She’s an adult now, isn’t she?

No. I can’t dwell on that. I’ll see her soon enough.

Won’t I?

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I wish I could give Motty some comfort, but I didn’t know what to say to him. We were falling so long. It was mindless for a while. We tried to keep ourselves hopeful that one day we would see something beyond endless darkness.

Darkness surrounds us, consumes us. After what I could only guess was a year, the darkness started feeling like home. Was this what my mother felt when she finally died? When she left me alone with no living family?

Well.

Uncle Dianite was alive. So was Motty. And Alyssa. Or I hoped Alyssa was alive. In some way, Mot and Alyssa were my family. Weren’t they? Yes, they had to be. I need to keep my hopes alive. I need to keep whatever family I can claim alive.

Then again…

My champion asked me to join him, to jump with him. Was that enough to consider a new start? A new family? Waglington… but even then, whenever I looked at him, I saw Steve.
Why did Steve have to die so Uncle could live?

Am I really so ungrateful for blood family that I wish sometimes, when the darkness feels like home, that Uncle was the dead one?

I can’t be. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford to be alone.

I can’t make it alone.

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Martha. Why are your eyes so sad? Is it really so terrible to have the gift of life? Everyone dies eventually. He knew what he got himself into… What he was sacrificing. Or are you just mad that I got the love of my life and you lost yours?

So what?

Yeah. I’m younger than you by a few years. I’d be 35 now, if time’s continued to progress while we fall. You’re what? 38?

Grow up.

You became a goddess.

Yeah. Your mom died. Oops. Your brother? Banished to the Nether by the man who asked you to jump. And what did you do? Oh. Right. You jumped.

What an idiot.

Your sister-in-law and niece? Burned, weren’t they? Your nephew, Andor? Who knows. Probably better off dead after the abuse your brother put him through.

Who’s left? Oh. Your other Uncle? Oh. Your father. Spark. The old man. He left with me when I jumped. Followed me without anyone asking him to. Don’t you know that means he abandoned you and your brother? Maybe if he had stayed like a good little goddess-lover…

Well. We see what happens when mortals fall in love with goddesses. Spark’s probably dead by now, ain’t he? Steve, my buddy… he’s dead. Your wizard’ll leave you as soon as he gets the chance. Do you really think he’ll stay around once he returns to his own realm, where he once reigned as a godlike figure?

We’ll see soon enough…

I have my love back… and all it cost was yours.

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Mot. What is this look you keep giving me? It reminds me of a cat who has chased a canary and caught himself a tasty snack. It’s the look I saw in you when you were younger and still in Urulu. Maybe it wasn’t that too long ago.. But you stayed around Steve. And around me whenever I would come to visit with my mother. The harvests were good those years. Do you remember the apples?

The first apples I grew with Steve tasted so sweet.

That tree is long gone, though… it was a sign, wasn’t it? The tree died the day I fled.

Do people remember that part of my story? Things got to be too much and I ran away. Like a coward. I called it a pilgrimage, a means to get in touch with my mystic roots. My magic. But no, I did it because I was already losing everyone I loved.

Yet when Steve called out to me, I came back. He was my beacon in the darkness, the first time it tried to consume me. I came back. I tried to help these strangers to our land that reminded me of you, Mot… and of Ser Jeriah. Of sweet little Alyssa. Of Father.

Father…

Are you still alive? Will I see you soon?

I want to see you one last time.

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There was light.
There was light.

-------

Daddy?

Daddy is that you?

DADDY!

It’s finally you! You came back to me! You came back for me! You brought Dia, too. And Miss Martha! Oh? Who are these people? They don’t look familiar… wait. WAIT!

Hehe, Daddy. He looks like you. When you weren’t so old! You’re so old, Daddy.

That wizard guy. He’s with Miss Martha? What happened to Mister Steve?

… oh. He didn’t make it? But he’s the reason Dia came back? He’s a hero. He’s my new hero!

Oh silly Daddy. You’re always my hero. You saved me when I was a baby. You weren’t much more than a baby yourself. That’s what I’ve been told. I’m 18 now, Daddy! Oh. I should call you “Dad” now, huh? That’s what an adult would say… but you were gone for so long. I forget things.

Who’s that guy? The one that kinda looks like Papa Spark? His name is Sparklez? Hehehe, that’s so silly! That’s not a real name! Sparklez isn’t a real name...

And that other guy. He seems to have a stick up his ass.

Oof, sorry, Dad. I keep forgetting you don’t like when I use ‘naughty words’...

He has a sticker up his butt. Is that better? He’s like Jeriah. Are they the same? They are? So many of you guys are the same… does that mean she’s me? Or am I her? I’m so confused.

Alternates… That’s what they call us? Our counterparts? That’s why this world’s Ianite seemed different. They are different. Not entirely. She still helped me a lot where you couldn’t. You know. Girly issues… like learning how to shoot an arrow or how to keep Andor from trying to make kissy-faces!

Oh. Andor didn’t make it…? His wings lost? That’s… oh. That’s terrible. I take back the mean things I said about him when we were kids.

But you’re back, Dad! I’m so happy you’re back. Don’t leave me again, okay?
Do you promise?

(I promise)

Good. I won’t forget.

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This is what you call home, my love?

(no, I can’t call him that. He’s not my love. Not truly.)

It’s so beautiful! That castle is where you and your companions lived? You built it? I knew you were wonderful, but this really cements that in my mind!

(Am I telling the truth or just trying to feed his ego so he won’t leave, too?)

The tree. You grew it for Sparklez? I’ve never seen something so grand!

(But does it grow apples?)

I think I’ll like it here… as long as I’m by your side, I’ll be happy.

(No I won’t.)

I love you so much.

(No I don’t.)

You love me, too? I’m glad.

(Flattered. You’re not him, though.)

Will you show me around this world? Oh! I see my father over there. You have to meet him. He’ll love you, I’m sure, but I’ll love you more. I’ll always love you more. You’re my Champion. My best friend. My love.

(He’ll never approve of you. He wanted him as a son-in-law… and he’s dead.)

I promise. We’ll make a new life here, mixing our magics and giving a fresh burst of mana to this starved realm.

(Well, I will. I’ll give and give and give until I’ve given it all.)

Do you remember when I became a goddess, my dearest champion? You had to fight through my dreams and my nightmares… but I think being here is really a dream. Being with you is a dream. I have you and my father and my uncle. You’re my family. It’s the perfect end.

(But he will always be my home.)

Here’s to a new life.

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Is this place good enough for you? It’s devoid of energy that would hint at your counterpart being here. You could take over again, couldn’t you? Mianite could never stop you. Ianite… well, either she’s dead or she’s weak. I don’t remember what the others said when they came to our world. This isn’t their world anymore, is it, Dia? It’s yours. Or is it ours? Say the word and I will take my mantle as your Champion again. I’ll show Tom what it truly means to be the Champion of Dianite.

You all but raised me after my home burned to the ground. I managed for what? Seven years. You trained me to be ruthless. An assassin. A merchant. A diplomat with a poison-laced blade. Say the word, Dia, and that will be my life once more.

Alyssa is grown. She’ll be fine. She has a new friend in Sonja, I think. They’re so much alike. A little hyperactive, so full of life. Martha can help care for her, if she ever leaves the side of her wizard-toy. It’s different, you and I. She’s weak and chose a champion that could give her a facade of strength and power.

You chose me. A scrappy kid off the streets who spent most of their life fending for themselves. Skinny, plagued with creeper spores. But I earned my place. Didn’t I, Dia? You don’t regret choosing me, do you?

I don’t think I could live if you regretted that.

Not after everything that happened. All I did to get you back.

… I never told you, did I? What I did the night I found out you died. That I wasn’t there to protect you? That I should have died instead, your guardian. I wasn’t there. You died. I thought I had lost everything.

I gave Alyssa to Martha and Steve that night. I ran away. I ran as far as I could, not wanting to look back. I found that portal. Without a second thought, I jumped.

I expected to die.

I wanted to die.

But… Alyssa followed me, escaping the watch of her babysitters. She found Spark and Jeriah, told them her Daddy was missing. Spark being the noble man he is and Jeriah likely wanting to kill me himself… they helped her track me down.

I guess my scarf had fallen off just a few meters away from where I jumped. They followed me. Alyssa jumped first, so she told me. Spark tried to stop her, but when he reached for her, he fell in. Jeriah came last. I should thank him for what he did… one day. Maybe.

I won’t say it to his face.

They came for me and we all ended up in this realm. I’m so familiar with it. I can show you the castle I claimed. I think it would be the perfect spot to pursue the dream I told you once. Screziato Enterprises. Specializing in all the things needed to send people to either their certain doom or certain riches. Either one is fine by me.

Oh fine. I won’t be so morbid.

We’ll keep hopes that they’ll be fine, and we’ll provide them the supplies they need to keep themselves alive. Unless they’re completely inept. Knowing this lot, I don’t expect most of them to survive. Am I being too cruel? Yes… yes… I get it. They helped bring you back. I should be thankful.

That night I jumped… I did it because I had a regret and thought all chances were lost. The lot originally from this realm found my journals, read them out loud. I hate that you learned my secret from those books instead of from me.

I never got to say it straight to your face. Dianite…

(Don’t say anything, Mottias. I won’t allow it.)

No. I have to say it. Dia, I love you.

(Heh. You don’t know what love is.)

Yes. Yes I do. I thought I didn’t. I saw how Martha and Steve acted and knew they cared for each other. I saw Spark and Ianite, saw their love. I thought that how I felt about you must be the same. It was the only real positive emotions I had exposure to. Was it displaced or misunderstood?

Yes. Maybe in the beginning. Maybe I was naive enough to think that my dedication to you and your cause was the same as Spark’s devotion to Ianite. They were married. They had a family. I knew we couldn’t have that, not with me as I am. But Alyssa grew so fond of you, and you accepted her when I brought her home. I thought that might be our family.

Marriage never crossed my mind explicitly, but sometimes I fantasized about it. Sure, you would send me on missions to kill a target that fought against you… I knew I might die before I could tell you all of this. The flower crowns Alyssa made us? Sometimes I wondered if I’d wear one and you’d call me yours.

I guess that’s what I hope from this. To be called yours. Your love. Your champion. Just… yours.

It took me ten long years to piece together how I felt. That it was a true love and compassion and desire and yearning and ---

(You talk too much.)

Do I? Heh. I guess I do… Wait. Are you blushing?

(Shut up.)

Make me.

(Okay.)

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EWW! Daddy! That’s disgusting! I don’t wanna see you smoochin’. Take it somewhere else. I don’t wanna see it. EW EW EW EW.

You’re so gross! Hehehe~

… I never wanna smooch anyone! I’m never gonna smooch anyone!

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Heh. I didn’t think he had it in him. We were falling for three years. I gave him a little touch of the hand as the world fell around us. He beat around the bush. He tried to mention the things I knew already. Like I was blind. Poor guy.

Then again, I didn’t pick him for his brain and emotional processing. Sure, he was cunning and clever. He knew how to get out of some pretty sticky situations. He was useful on many of my business trips.

Did he really expect me not to figure it out when I gave him physical attention on those trips? He treated me well, and I knew he yearned for it. Even then, as not much more than a kid. It was apparent. I was happy enough to oblige. If it kept him on my side, then it was necessary.

What I won’t tell him is that I didn’t exactly hate every minute of it. I have to keep some things from him. He might start getting ideas.

Do I regret kissing him after he finally got up the nerve to make his confession?

Hell no.

Will I do it again when I get him alone?

Hell yes.

He’ll just have to wait until he shows me this castle of his.

Get ready for a ‘right rumble’ boyo.

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My daughter has returned to me and she looks miserable. She’s moved on to a new man, but she isn’t happy. My son is dead. Both of my grandbabies. My wife is dust in the wind. I don’t think I can blame her for being so down. No, not down. Depressed. It hurts to see my baby girl hurting. We’ve both lost our family; she’s all I have left. She lost her fiance, didn’t she, Mot?

(Yes, Spark. Steve gave his own life to return Dianite to us.)

A noble man. I liked him, even if he was quiet. I understand we all have alternate selves from this realm, yes? The man she’s with now. He’s the Other Steve.

(Yes. His name is Waglington. He is a wizard. Much like she is, actually.)

Ah. Are they a good match, Mot? Do you think he will ever make her as happy as Steve did for so many years? I want her to have love in her life from someone other than me. She’s my daughter, you know. I want the world for her.

(I don’t know. I don’t think she truly loves him, but she wants to.)

A shame. She shouldn’t have to settle. She’s settling. She doesn’t have to. She doesn’t have to marry or have a family or any of that. I’d rather see her free to be herself and free to grieve in whatever way she needs to. Not tied down to someone she feels is second best.

She followed her mother’s footsteps already. I can see it surrounding her. She has that aura of godliness. It must have been after Ia turned into dust… I’ve already been told by my other self. He’s so much younger than me. It’s like looking back in a time machine. I’m proud of her. But she’s not being herself. She’s being her mother.

Oh, but she has the same radiance her mother had. My sweet baby girl has grown up. She’s a woman now… with a woman’s heartache. I wish I could save her from that pain, but she must learn from it in time. Mot, what would you do if it were your child?

(I… I don’t know. I’d probably kill whomever broke her heart.)

That is you. I believe you would, too. But the past couple years, while you were gone, I think Alyssa has minimal interest in such things. You won’t have to worry about it. Raising a daughter is so hard to do on your own. You’ve done remarkably well, Mot.

(Thank you, Spark.)

But daughters are headstrong and resilient. We must be strong for them until they learn to be strong for themselves. Alyssa has no problems. She’s a tough young lady. She’ll benefit from having you back. And having Dianite. And her other self. You’ll be able to live your life how you want.

Martha…

My sweet girl. I want you to find your strength. Please. Find your strength.

Daddy loves you, baby girl… and I want to see your true form before I leave…

I don’t have much time left, I know, but I am here for you until you find your strength.

Mot? I’m retiring for the night. Please tell Martha I’d like to talk to her in the morning.

(Yeah, of course. Sleep well, old man.)

Thank you, kiddo. You’re a good man.

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Damn that man and his addiction to the mead. I should have known better than to agree to drinking with him. I really should have. Unfortunately, I did. I drank with him in that damned pub. I showed a side of myself that I’d have preferred to keep in hiding.

Again, it was unfortunate.

For all my drive and desire for power and to be better than those that told me…

“No, Gandus, you can’t do this.”

“You aren’t strong enough.”

“Go play with the other, younger students. They’re more your level.”

You’d think I was the violent type of drunk that, after one too many tankards of mead, would be ready and willing to throw down. A right rumble. A true bar-room brawl.

Again. How unfortunate.

It isn’t the case.

A moment of weakness that I’d hate to admit ever happened. When I drink in excess… I’m an affectionate drunk. I want to give hugs, sit in laps. Freely give kisses and attention. Those who don’t know me - the true me - would think I was just like any other girl that frequented these types of places. So desperate for attention. Male, female. It doesn’t matter to me, not when I’m that far gone.

But I don’t like to drink.

The last time I agreed to drink like that, it was when Hermod asked me to join him. I agreed because I was a fool. I was… in “like.” Not love. A strong sense of… this is a person I suppose I could tolerate.

When I woke up the next morning after that damned night out…

I had a ring on my finger and a husband in my bed.

It took some time to adjust to that little detail and even longer to regain all the memories of that night. Looking back now, after a split and a murder or two? Yes. I learned some things.

I learned to avoid going out with a partner, in any sense of that term.

I learned that if I do fail in the first goal, to not go drink with that partner’s brother, especially if that brother is the local priest.

I learned that if I fail both of these, then I’m even more of an idiot than I thought.

Most importantly, above it all…

I learned that drinking, like romance, is a waste of time and nothing good will ever come from it.

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The sky ripped open to reveal a smear of darkness spattered with tiny pin-point stars and vague trails of shimmers. I had seen this once or twice before, each time someone came to or left this realm. My anticipation spiked, wondering if it would be the return of that nice young man my charge called Daddy, or if the heroes that killed my brother and freed me from my prison were returning home. Maybe that was too much to hope for. It had been 10 years since I last saw them, and so much has changed.

Would he still call me his lady? How touching it was whenever he prayed to me or left a tribute and used such polite words. To call me Lady Ianite. Yes, I grew to enjoy it. This man that had returned my very memory to this world. I suppose I owed him something.

When he returns… I’ll grant him one wish. One desire of something I can provide. A new house. New equipment. Anything that could be conjured and freely given. Maybe it’s little more than wishful thinking on my own part to think that such a token of appreciation would mean much. His needs were always met either by my gentle nudging or his own determination.

Drawn from my thoughts as I lounged within the halls of my temple - one built for me by the visitors from the other realm, so that I might, too, be able to reside in the overworld - I glanced up to the sky once more. The rift slowly began to close in on itself. A clap of thunder and a flash of lighting, and I darted upright. I jumped to my feet and padded over so I could look out and see just who had come to visit.

Oh.

It’s them. It’s really them!

I felt my heart flutter as I blinked through space as my endermen do, appearing mere yards in front of the returning heroes. The soft blades of grass tickled the soles of my bare feet. I froze, as did they. Mianite appeared by my side; he was just as relieved as I was.

I spread my arms out and beamed. “Welcome home… heroes.”

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Waaa! Lookum! What is you? A gobwin? Dat sounds scaaaary! Are youm scary? AAH! Please don’t eat me! You no eat me? Dat’s good. Marfa would be sad if you ate me. I don’t want Marfa to be sad…

Who Marfa? Marfa is Mommy! Well, not real-Mommy… but real-Mommy is dieded and turned to ash and floated away. Real-Mommy is Marfa’s mommy, too, but now Marfa is my Mommy. Do you gets it? It makes my head go spinny-spin, just like when Awissa picks me up and we go spinny-spin-spin-spin around and around and around! In the grass wif the sheepies and the piggies and woofies! I like the woofies. Do you like the woofies?

The foxes are so cute, too! I like them, too. I like flowers and Awissa taught me how to make crowns. She makes them for her Daddy so I gots to make them for my Mommy!

Marfa is Mommy cause she takes care of me and our real mommy is gone and… and…

Don’t cry, child. There’s no need to cry.

I miss her.

I know.

I asked Marfa if she could bring Mommy back, but she said no… she said it was no good. No can do. I cried a lot. Sometimes I still cry after Marfa tucks me in. She says that’s okay. That it get better one day. I hope she’s right…

I hope it gets better. Marf--- Martha says I’m growing more every day. I’m taller now. I don’t mix up my letters as much, and I know how to say ‘Martha’... and I know she’s not my mommy, but my big sister… and I know she doesn’t mind it if I call her mommy. She always wanted a child of her own, but then Steve deaded--- died. So Uncle Dianite could come back and be wif-- with… Uncle Motty.

I’m older now. I just… I need to grow up.

Martha says I’m also a goddess. She told me how hard it was for her to get used to it. One day I will. One day…

One day it will all be better.

Chapter Text

I once thought you were my friend, someone I could trust and talk to about anything. When you grow up with two brothers and absent parents, there are very few people that I can talk to. I wanted to have a friend. Maybe I wanted it more than it ever would have been possible.

So I sit by and watch. Observe. I have to stay out of mortal affairs as much as possible lest the balance I hold so near and dear to the very essence of my being be jeopardized. I’m not supposed to meddle in the affairs of the humans. Neither are my brothers, but they’re worse about it than I ever was.

When I think about it, I did have one other friend. The Lore Librarian that kept the records of the world, our very history as it has happened. Free of bias… free of leanings toward chaos or order. She’s also the one that helped me understand and make sense of these feelings I had.

As it turns out, Gandus, your betrayal cut deeper than it should have for one reason.

I loved you.

Not, perhaps, as Hermod loved you, once. Perhaps not even as Hermod loved his boats. But it was there, at the very core of every interaction. Love, however it meant to be. I loved you, Gandus, and I wanted nothing but the best for you.

If you ever read this, my former friend, do not assume that I’d have easily jumped into your arms or your bed. Perhaps it’s not that sort of love. However it was, it doesn’t matter now. Does it?

You’ve made your choices… and now I must make mine.

In the end, that’s all I can do.

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Gandus, what have you done?

What do you mean, my Lady? I have done nothing.

I do not believe you.

Truly! I have been nothing but the best of servants to you and your ideals, my Lady.

You call killing people and making clones following my ideals?

What would you call it, then?

Blasphemy.

Oh, but you are mistaken, my Lady Ianite. I do follow your ideals. You desire balance between Order and Chaos. As do I.

You do not obtain that balance through your means! A war! What are you thinking, Gandus?

I am thinking that I am far stronger than you.

You are not!

And yet you sit here arguing like a petulant child instead of proving me wrong. You say I am not stronger than you, but which of us is closer to reaching our goals? Which of us have put into motion things that need to be done to achieve the greatness afforded us? Surely you don’t think it’s you.

Balance takes careful nurturing to flourish.

No! That’s just weakness!

It is a quiet strength, Gandus. Not all wars are won through aggressive attacks and onslaughts that leave death in its wake.

Not your wars, at least. This is a display of power, my Lady. A display of power and strength and why I deserve to be the chosen hero of this world!

You don’t deserve it.

Say that again.

You don’t deserve it. I offered you advice when you came to me after your lover left you. I offered you guidance whenever you needed it. Who told you where to begin in your desire to prove your worth?

… you did, my Lady.

And how do you repay me?

I do not repay you, my Lady.

Precisely. You do not repay my kindness, yet you expect me to sit by and allow you to live in your delusions of grandeur. No, my dear, that is not what kindness is. That is not what a keeper of balance would do. Until you understand that, you will never reach your lofty goal.

I---

No. Silence. Begone. I do not wish to speak to you any longer.

… very well, my Lady.

Chapter Text

Hello darkness, my old friend! I’ve come to slay within you again! Hahahahaha---

How delightful! A feeling so familiar it should be criminal to be this delighted and oh how I feel so up!

I run through the fields, dressed in what little armor I have. Form-fitted and pliable, giving the best sense of freedom. I must be agile. I must be swift! How I missed this!

To be free to do what I wish, to travel and slay and establish the control of my Lord’s desires. He deserves to have his claims to this land. I will see that he has all he is owed.

I will take it!

Hahahahaha--!! It will be his! And it will be mine!

My blades run sharp, and my mind is sharper. Clever and quick on my feet and in wits. No one will stand in my way!

I will not fail you again, my Lord. I will show you that I am still worth the title of your Champion. Your chosen hero. This is what I am meant to be and what I will always be. Your humble right hand man.

Your lover, when you desire it.

Give me this chance, and I will show you. I will show the world what it means to be a Champion.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary, today I saw a really cute girl. I wish I was able to go and talk to her, but I couldn’t. I got scared, so I just left some flowers in front of her door and ran away. Maybe one day she’ll notice me? I don’t know. Mortals are weird, but I think the immortal are weirder? I don’t know. -Ianite

Dear Diary, today I actually talked to her! I accidentally bumped into her while wandering around the market. She’s even prettier up close. She asked me her name, and I just froze! I couldn’t tell her. All I managed to do was stammer out the first few letters. Ia. That’s all I could say! Aah, why is this so hard? Do you think my brothers have this much trouble? - Ianite

Dear Diary, we talked some more today, but on purpose this time! I found her while visiting the first temple dedicated to my parents. I mean, I guess you could call them my parents? I don’t know what they actually are. They made us, me and my brothers, but… oh, nevermind! It’s not important! What is important is that I have a D A T E! I’m gonna see her again tomorrow. I can’t wait. - Ianite

Dear Diary, it’s still hard to even think her name. Our date went so well. We’re going to see each other again, and I’m so excited. Mia found out, and kind of got fussy. He never really understood the whole romance thing. His loss! He can go suck eggs for all I care! I’m wondering if I should tell Dia. I think he’d understand. Maybe. Who knows. - Ianite

Dear Diary, I guess I should finally write it down. Great afternoons spent sharing meals and telling stories. Amazing evenings that shift into nights, eyes turned up to the stars that spread so far across the sky there’s no hope for an end. Nights, oh… they’re never long enough. Darkness, ever spiraling and sprawling out, blocking my view of most things, but I still see her face. Under it all, under the hidden layers upon layers, a new spark of something is growing. Someday, I may be able to tell her, but I don’t even know what it is that I’m feeling. - Ianite

Dear Diary, I couldn’t tell her. I think the words I wanted so desperately to feel and to express have fallen flat. I wanted it to be love, but I can’t will it into existence any more than I can will my brothers to set aside their differences. Love, in some form, sure. I think I have love for her, but that all-encompassing romantic love? No… I don’t think it’s there. Still, I look forward to spending more time with her. I think I might know someone else that’s interested in her. Maybe I can help that along. Only time will tell. - Ianite

Chapter Text

When Ianite told me that we would have children, I didn’t think I believed it. How could I, a mere mortal with an undying loyalty, father the child of a goddess -- my goddess! It has to be possible because here it is. It’s real, it’s happening. I can’t do anything to change it, and I don’t think that I want to.

I am a simple man and always have been. I am good with my hands, and I have a good heart. I built the city of Ruxomar from the ground up. It was a simple act to impress my lady, my dear goddess Ianite. In some ways, I think I was quite a fool in thinking a simple man could win the heart of a goddess. Yet it happened. Here we are. Here I am!

Ah, but I don’t know. This fatherhood thing, it’s not something I can just build and plan and repair around. It’s messy and unpredictable. Chaotic and disobeying all laws of what should and shouldn’t be, the unknowing mess that is to be human. I want things to be predictable and understandable, but this? This!

Nothing will prepare me for it. I am the devout follower of Our Lady of Balance. I am her husband! Heh, husband. I’m just supposed to build towns, not love or worship or understand! I am a simple man. Balance, to me, means not waivering between the two extremes, but a pursuit of neutrality. A simple man with a simple life. I do not want to experience the chaos of unpredictability, nor do I want to live solely by the laws and the natural order of things.

Yet here I am, in this position. I am to be a father. The father of Ianite’s child, a child born from a neutral man and a balanced god. I’ll have to find some way to cope with this. I will be a good father, kind and patient. There are some in the town that would have me be king. What a life that might be! A child, both crown prince or princess and a demi-god in their own right. How easy it would be to become spoiled and complacent.

This is not me, not now. But I could become this, if it was what was needed. Wanted, by my lady. But for now, oh… I will enjoy being what I have always been: a simple man with a simple life.

Chapter Text

Uwaa!! It so pwetty! So many flowers! I loves them so much. Everything’s so pwetty. Marfa promised me that I can run in the grass and play all I want, but we just hafta find a house first. Somewhere we can live and, oh. What did Marfa say? Live and recover and get better. Why she say get better? Is Marfa sick? I don’t want Marfa to be sick! Can I make her feel better?

Can the wivid make her better? Can Ani makes her better? Oh, maybe I find someone else! But who else can makes her better? Oh no…

We founded a house, and it’s really pretty! Marfa says I can make flowers grow and grow my own fruits! Like apples, maybe pretty apple trees that I can climb in and maybe that’ll make her happy again. I don’t want her sad…

But now that we have a house, I can go outside. Marfa says I can’t go too far away cause it’s not safe, but she says I can go visit our fwends in their houses. It’s not too far, and I’m gonna be a big girl and go on my own!

I was gonna go visit them, but I had to stop! I’m too little sometimes, and I can’t always see over things. But I saw something. Someone! She has pretty hair, like me, and it’s the same color. Marfa taught me all my colors, so I know it’s called purple. When she turns to look at me, her eyes are pretty and purple, too. She looks familiar…

She looks like Mommy!

I giggled and ran to her, this lady that looks like my mommy, and hugged her tight! She gaved me a weird look, and maybe she doesn’t know me? I knows her! This is Mommy-but-not-really. Marfa told me that there’s more than one Mommy, but her name isn’t actually Mommy. It’s Ianite. She’s a goddess, just like us! And this lady must also be a goddess!

Maybe she’s Sparkly’s goddess? Like Mommy was Spark’s goddess? I dunno, but I let her go. I was sad, and Marfa came running up to me. For a moment, I saw her look at this not-Mommy Ianite. They didn’t say anything with their mouths, but I think their eyes said a lot. Marfa picked me up and took me home, saying it was time for lunch and she was going to make food for us!

I hope I see not-Mommy Ianite again, though. She’s so pretty. Maybe she’ll love me and Marfa just like Mommy did. I hope so… I already love her, too.

Chapter Text

Hi, yes, am smol fox with big job! Am called “D” but mai name is Delilah. My brothers are called A, B, and C, but those aren’t their names either! They might be mad if I says their real names, and they no work for me anyway!

So yes, hi, this Fox Messaging Services, how can help? Yes, can send boxes and letters and even give foob. Sometimes my Lay-dee gives me foob or flowers to takes to the Sprinkle-man. She calls him something else, but I don’t remember. I also deliver boxes during big fights! It may take me some time, but it’s only cause I’m smol and doing it all alone!

Once, I was given a glowy-nife and told I can kill the turts! It was lots of fun, until my naughty brother B made the zippy-zaps come and killeded the villagers. It wasn’t my fault, but the Sprinkle-man blamed me, and then I was sad. I no like being sad.

You want know how fox does the tippy-taps on the keys that make the letters go brrr? It easy! It magic! My Lay-dee gives me the power cause how else do I write addy-resses and know where to send the boxes and the gifts? Duh! You’re a big duh!

When the sun goes up, I wakes up! I eats whatever C cooked. He’s a good cook, even if he uses stolen ingredients. After I eats, I go to work! I knows how to swimmy-swim-swim, and I go to all the temples to see if the hoomens left any letters for their gods. Then I take them to the gods and bring back gifts! Sometimes they give me gifts, too.

My Lay-dee gives me treats! Mile-a-night gives me steak! It’s so tasty, and I really likes it. Die-at-night will makes me flower crown and then I get to feel like a pretty princess fox! I hafta be careful so I don’t lose it, and sometimes A teases me…

But then I bite him! I go C H O M P! And make this face: >:V. That’s my favorite face to make!

I’m really a good fox and I have big job for smol lay-dee. Please gib me letters to deliver! I’m really, really good at it! Thamks.

Lub, Delilah <3

Chapter Text

Alyssa, really. I don’t understand why you like these dramatics when I read you bedtime stories? Slapping the book, adding commentary into these children’s stories? I don’t understand. Why? What is so fun about this?

Yes, yes, I get it. The fox is cute. No! I’m not giving it “bedtime kisses” what are you---? Oh, don’t give me that look. You know I can’t stand it when you pout like that. No! Nope! Nope not happening. I am not giving the picture of a herd of chicks in a bed all… cozy or whatever... bedtime kisses either…

Okay, fine. Just this once. Mwah, mwah, mwah… not this one. This guy’s a jerk. He probably stole the fox’s lunch money or something. Mwah, mwah. Ugh, the things I do for you, little one. Okay, what’s going on now? Man, why are they ruining such perfectly good brooms? That’s not how you break them! You’re supposed to break them by using the stick… after flattening it, it makes such a nice pad--- you know what? Nevermind.

Alright, I guess I can get behind this part. What? More bedtime kisses? Look, kiddo, you’re gonna end up using all of the kisses you’d get at the end of this on these damned drawings. Think you can handle that? No kisses for Alyssa, yes kisses for pictures? What kinda life do you live in that little world of yours? Ugh.

And now they’ve done it. I knew that guy was a jerk! Shoving that poor fox into the water. Not everyone likes water, you know! I don’t like water. Foxes probably don’t like water, either. And what the hell is he gonna do with beetles? At least those guys have paddles! Paddles are good for breaking over Dia’s ars--- Uh. Nothing, Alyssa. I wasn’t going to say anything.

… anyway, paddles aren’t broken over his arse. Someone else’s, probably. But, you know. Well, no, you don’t know. No! I’m not explaining it to you!

Brat! No! That’s not why I walk funny after coming home from work. You know what? That’s it. No more story. Doesn’t matter that this book was done, anyway. No more! You’ve lost story privileges for the rest of the night!

What’s that? Oh, now you want bedtime kisses, too? So demanding, you brat. Can’t just be happy with the aggressive pointing and ridiculous commentary, no, not you. Not little miss Alyssa. Okay, fine. Just one.

Good night, my little bat-brat.

Chapter Text

There are many things I can see and predict, but alas, there are things even beyond my comprehension. Try as I might, the constant war with my brother has left me weakened in some ways. Invigorated in others, of course, but it is not always enough. No, it is never enough. I want more. Nay, I need more!

That damned woman, the wizard who fancies herself a goddess, thinks it is news to me that my precious sister tried to siphon my powers for her own gain. Little did she know that the means Ianite attempted to use were of my own creation. Intentional, even. Leaving out my notebooks and sketches, page after endless page of diagrams and details! Everything so perfectly, meticulously planned out. Just for her to find. A spark of an idea, just enough to ignite the kindling already so carefully arranged underneath her. Let my dear sister think this is her grand idea to destroy her own kin. We’ll see how it ends.

For such plans to have been found out by that failed wizard means Ianite had been careless. She took her own notes, this I know to be true. They must have been left out, too, but with much less intent than my doing of the same. How pathetic. I knew she was the weakest of us. I was loath to believe that she was also the dumbest.

Yet in the end, her plans failed. I knew they would. I left out one or two key components from the diagrams I laid out for her. If she intended on following through with her idiotic plan, she would have to work for it. Unfortunately, she lacked the foresight to accomplish such a task. Pathetic. There is no other word to describe her. She is pathetic, a runaway child playing in a game she stands no chance of ever winning.

Still there are people that follow her. People that worship her! Oh, their Lady Ianite, goddess of balance and justice. Pah! She is goddess of nothing more than the dirt I walk upon.

This is to say little of my brother, the one that actually deserved to have his powers taken. He is the only one that poses a threat to my ambitions! He has proven himself of that mind, too, using that pathetic mortal to pull off a ritual. There is something to note about these mortals that walk this realm as strangers. Their appearance does not bode well for any of us.

That is to say, their arrival has thrown the already tenuous peace into disarray. Chaos, in a word. It is my right, as the upholder of Order, to repair this realm and restore it to the way it ought to be. This is what I will do, using my own dear mortal pawn. I will not, for a moment, hesitate in regaining what is rightfully mine: this world and all within it.

Chapter Text

O-oh dear… I’ve made a terrible mistake, haven’t I?

The mage thought to himself as he paced around his house. Where he once had arms covered in a glorious, ornate robe he now had stubby white wings that couldn’t even fly. Hover, maybe, but never more than a couple inches off the ground at a time. He couldn’t figure out why his spell hadn’t worked. It worked before! Hadn’t it?

His self-doubt started in on his mind. Had he successfully managed this spell before? He must have! He, the great and powerful Kevin, never failed! Then again, who had ever heard of a successful wizard with a name like Kevin?

Well, maybe someone will come by and see me. Surely someone will wonder where I’ve gone off to and why there’s a chicken in my house. Unless… oh no. Please. Don’t let it be the butcher. I promised him a cow today, and if he sees a chicken…

Kevin gulped in the way only chickens could. He was suddenly stricken with nerves, wondering what he could possibly do to remedy this situation. He had to be careful. How the spell managed to backfire so much that he became a chicken was beyond him, but he could still flap his wings enough to get atop his stool. His beak was pointed enough to wedge in between pages of the spellbook, but not sharp enough to tear the centuries old pages.

Frantically, he searched. Page after page he tried to find something that could help him. He found the spell after a few minutes. His beady eyes scanned the page, and he squawked in surprise. Indeed he had managed to muss up the entire spell. Of course it was supposed to be the feather from a duck, not a chicken. How similar the two looked in the early morning hours before the sun had truly risen. He needed the grey feather of a duck, not the white feather of a chicken.

Without the grey feathers, how else would he have successfully made the flexible adhesive strips he would call “duck tape”?

I mean, surely my creation deserves a better name. “Chicken tape” just doesn’t have the same appeal. Unless I drew little chickens all over the strips. Would that work? I could market this to children! Kids love farm animals and annoying things to stick all over their houses. It’s perfect!

Still, the mage had to worry about getting out of his predicament before he could find a way to monetize his yet-uncreated invention and the clever ways he could market it to enhance his own wallet. Perhaps he would don his wizard hat and walk around outside. Anyone who would pass by would find him and come help him…

As he was formulating this plan, careful to be known as a chicken, not a duck, his eyes fell upon a paragraph in smaller print than the rest. It was on the same entry as his tape spell, but it wasn’t written in his script. It was printed, for one, and the letters were perfectly spaced and perfectly shaped. They weren’t there just by chance. Kevin read with growing excitement.

So all I have to do is travel to the Old Spooky Forest in the South of Town and find some ancient Magical Something-or-Other? That’s it? No more details? I guess they’re not too picky about what sort of magical object. Maybe it’s a stick. I could totally see it being a stick. I mean, who doesn’t remember getting poked with sticks as a kid? I do.

Kevin flapped his wings pathetically, floating gently down to the ground. He worked his way under the oversized floppy hat he kept by his trinket chest. Adjusting it the best he could, he went to his front door. With the miniscule amount of residual magic in the very tips of his feathers, he willed the door open and went outside to wait.

I sure hope they don’t take too long. I hate waiting.