Work Text:
Chan had always wondered why people bothered with love if it never lasts.
Back then, lying on the couch with Hansol's face next to his after they've officially moved in together, he thought maybe he could see why.
"Can you believe it?" Hansol asks and Chan can feel himself smile. As if it's default for him to do so when it comes to him. Hansol wraps his arms tighter around Chan's back and he laughs as Hansol kisses his nose.
But right now, bracing himself for the inevitable, wiping the stupid tears off of his face at two-thirty A.M. in front of a bus stop, Chan really wonders why people bother at all with this.
Maybe it's because their story started off good. Great even.
Not that Chan knows exactly where they started. Where Hansol and Chan became HANSOL and Chan. Where their you and I became us.
Chan was never really good at beginnings.
But Chan knew exactly when Hansol wrote himself in Chan's story. It was one sleep-deprived morning when Chan had decided to ditch Seungkwan and go get breakfast in the new diner near their dorm.
I'm gonna be a huge part of your life , Hansol said. Only it came out as "Can I help you?". Chan stares at those pretty brown eyes and he answered with I'm glad. Only it came out as an order of coffee, pancakes, and an unsolicited question of "Have you ever felt like killing your best friend with your own hands?" Hansol laughed at him right then, bright and loud, and Chan had half a mind on cancelling on that coffee because he's pretty sure he's awake enough with just that.
"I don't think so, no. But I'd be more than happy to let you tell me about it, if you like. I'm about to end my shift anyways." Hansol said and Chan knows he's blushing. Up until now he's not sure if his sleep deprived brain should be thanked or reprimanded for that one side comment but one thing is for sure. That really was sort of the beginning of their beginning.
Hansol was a college student as well, on the same campus as he and Seungkwan, and same year as him even though he's Seungkwan's age.
"I've been working a lot so I had to take a few semesters off." Hansol explains and Chan nods. He didn't look a bit less dreamy as Chan first saw him. Not even after Chan was fully awake and not even when Hansol's wearing a hoodie and some denim jeans instead of their usual uniform.
Chan actually ranted to him then, more about Seungkwan and less about actually wanting to kill him, that is. Hansol laughs at everything Chan tells him and Chan can't be bothered to feel annoyed by it.
"I wouldn't know how to help you there, Chan. I don't think I have anyone I can even consider an actual friend, much less a best friend."
"That's ridiculous."
"Look, I have coursemates I see almost everyday, yeah. But outside of school we have nothing at all. And strangers don't usually just vent out their life problems to other strangers like you do." Hansol claims, smiling. Chan huffs.
"Well I don't do this a lot too." Chan throws back and Hansol nods and keeps smiling.
"I guess I'm that special then." Hansol adds and Chan rolls his eyes to at least help in redirecting Hansol's attention from his probably flushed cheeks.
They exchange numbers there, Hansol waving goodbye as he yawns, and Chan sends him a good night message which Hansol replies with a Good Morning one and a winking face.
Yeah. That definitely was the start for Chan.
But nothing else could've made Chan think that something started for Hansol too. Not until a few months later.
All that time, Chan and Hansol have silently agreed on texting each other as much as they can and sometimes they even meet for lunch. Seungkwan absolutely loves Hansol and Chan had to shove food in his mouth to keep him from embarrassing Chan in front of Hansol. They meet up at the library on their weekends, Suengkwan pointing out that Chan didn't even know where the library was and only came here for Hansol, but Chan shushes him so Hansol can't have possibly heard the last bit.
Their finals then passed by, Hansol invited both of them out the night of the last exams they had, and the three of them managed to get back in Chan and Seungkwan's dorm uninjured. Chan was drunk enough to offer Hansol his bed but not drunk enough to not feel embarrassed when Hansol laughs and tells Chan he has to take him out on a date first if he wants him on his bed. Seungkwan laughs at where he's lying on his bed and Chan tells both of them to shut up before taking off his pants and shirt, leaving him in just his boxers before slipping under the covers of his bed. The morning after was when Seungkwan offered Hansol to join them on their weekend trip to a nearby beach. Hansol was hesitant at first but Chan managed to get him to say yes by promising that they'll eat at the diner he works at for one whole week straight.
The beach was, well, it was crowded, for one. Seungkwan managed to forget that he also invited literally everyone of their close friends and Chan apologizes to Hansol, pulling him aside as everyone splits up and gets on Seungcheol's van and Wonwoo's car. Chan managed to use his favorite dongsaeng card and happily took the backseat of Wonwoo's car with Hansol and Jihoon, while Seokmin, Wonwoo's terribly nice boyfriend that Chan had maybe a bit of a crush on for a while, took the passenger's seat. Seungkwan looked betrayed, yeah, but it's his own fault.
And surprisingly, Hansol got along with the three of them well. He knew some of the English books Wonwoo obsessed about, he and Jihoon talked about music and Jihoon actually looked excited talking to him, and, well, Seokmin can befriend anyone, really. But Chan did throw in that they have the same birthday and Hansol nudged him and asked how he could've possibly remembered that. Maybe Chan was high off the artificial flower scent in Wonwoo's car or is experiencing some low key motion sickness thing, but he managed to muster up the courage to look Hansol in the eyes and say "I pay attention to you, you know?" And Chan calls it a win when Hansol blushes and looks away, smiling.
The rest house type cabin they rented out was... well. Let's just say there's not much of these things that can actually house thirteen grown men. So there are beds with three people in them and some with just two and Chan finds himself sharing the smallest room with just one bed with Hansol.
Right.
"Everyone's gonna check out the beach. Just leave your bags, come on." Seungkwan says after bursting inside the room and Chan nods and grabs his camera before following him. He can feel Hansol following him but something about it is making him uneasy.
The rest of the group were walking by the shore, pushing each other and kicking the water, and the others were just walking. Wonwoo and Seokmin were a few steps behind the rest, holding hands as Seokmin talks and Wonwoo watches him with something that makes Chan sigh.
"Do you always watch them like this?"
"What?"
"I mean. The group. You've been like, watching them from the side since this morning." Hansol says, walking up to set a pace next to Chan, and Chan turns off his digicam and lets it hang around his neck.
"I'm like the youngest of the group. I just got adopted this year so i still kind of feel a bit separated I guess. Wonwoo and Seokmin always actively push me in the middle of these kinds of things and uh, even Seungcheol. You know, the buff dude." Chan says, pointing at where Jeonghan was using Jun as a human shield as Seungcheol, drenched from his waist down, was screaming at them.
"They're fun. And extremely loud."
"You can see how Seungkwan fits in so nicely." Chan teases and he turns to smile at Hansol, not noticing a rock in front of his feet, and he stumbles as the rock knocks him off balance. But instead of falling to his ass and possibly breaking his camera, he feels an arm around his back and an arm holding his wrist up. Chan looks up and he comes face to face with Hansol's face. It was lit by the sunset behind Chan and Hansol looks down at him with his pretty brown eyes and Chan feels like falling on his ass would've hurt a lot less than this.
"For someone who pays attention to stuff i said offhandedly, you sure don't pay attention much on where you're going." Hansol teases. Because he's Hansol. He uses jokes to tell you everything. Even the sincere thoughts he has.
"I said I pay attention to you." Chan says as a sort of clap back and he only realizes what he said after he's said it. Hansol doesn't say much after that but his hand never left Chan's as they walked on.
By evening, after they've had their dinner, Chan slipped out of the house and walked down to the beach. He sat by the water and stretched out his legs, letting the water reach his feet and smiling as he shivered from the breeze.
"You're gonna catch a cold." Hansol says over his shoulder and Chan turns to see him standing with his hands in his pockets, smiling down at him.
"What are you doing here?" Chan asked. Last he checked he was pretty comfortable talking with Joshua and Minghao.
"Looking for you." Hansol answers, shamelessly smiling at him. Chan turns away and lets Hansol sit next to him. Chan starts to shiver then, His thin shirt not really doing much against the breeze and Hansol's decision to sit this close isn't helping him one bit. Then Hansol puts his arms around him and rubs his hand against Chan's arm, pulling him closer.
"I wanted to say thank you." Hansol says, surprising Chan.
"I don't think I'd be this... uh... I think I've been happier since i met you." Hansol said and Chan nods, smiling, but still not trusting himself to look at Hansol without having the urge to kiss him right there.
"You kind of looked a bit like a good boy type when we first met and Seungkwan keeps telling me i'm causing you to have your rebel phase now for staying out late with me so I guess I should apologize for that." Hansol says, laughing, and Chan sighs.
"Seungkwan's an idiot. They all just think I'm too innocent or something." Chan answers and Hansol laughs harder.
"Yeah, I could see that earlier while eating. I think Wonwoo was holding himself back from spoon feeding you."
"Shut the fuck up."
"I swear!" Hansol argues and Chan shoves him off. Hansol laughs as he lies on the sand next to Chan and he tugs on the sleeve of Chan's shirt, pulling himself up by it. They both sat there, by the water, and Chan realizes that that's the first time Hansol put his arm around him like that. Hansol gets up first, holding his hand out to help Chan get up, and Chan blushes a bit at the fact that Hansol didn't let go until they were by the door.
Fast forward to their next semester when Chan feels selfish enough to say that he and Hansol have become something more than just friends. Chan had slept over Hansol's place enough times to gain him his own drawer at his place. Not that he needed it given how much Hansol likes seeing Chan wearing his shirt. Seungkwan had reminded him endlessly that he is his roommate, and not Hansol, and even threatened to move in with Soonyoung and Seokmin next semester if Chan's gonna keep being out of their dorm. Chan thought about it for exactly five minutes and agreed.
"Do you wanna move in with me?" Chan asks, Hansol stops stirring the ramen boiling in front of him and he turns to where Chan was sitting on the counter of his mini kitchen.
"What?"
"I, uh... Seungkwan is gonna move in with Seokmin and Soonyoung since they used to have Joshua with them but since he graduated last sem they need a third one to split the bills with and all. ANd uh... it'll be cheaper if you have a roommate. I mean, I'm basically here uninvited anyways." Chan says, laughing, and Hansol turns off the stove and walks up between Chan's legs.
"You're never uninvited here." Hansol says, wrapping his arms around Chan and smiling up at him.
"But I guess it'd be cool to move in with you. I get to see you more often."
"You see me, like, every other day."
"Yeah. That's not as often as I'd like." Hansol says and Chan feels his chest tighten.
They've been walking on this line for months now. Since their time by the beach, Chan feels like they're both walking on the shore between being friends and the ocean of being more. Hansol holds him like this most of the time, touches him more gently than anyone would consider as friendly, and Chan wants to be even more selfish by thinking that there's something there. But there never was any solid proof that Hansol liked him like that. He figured this is just how Hansol was since they have gotten closer. But there's nothing more.
Chan kept thinking that for a while longer. He thought nothing of it when Seungkwan moved out and Hansol moved in. He didn't pay much attention to it when Hansol would slip in his bed at night and leave his own bed empty. But he couldn't ignore it when Hansol had asked him why he had stayed on campus during their break when everyone else went home.
"You know my story. I just moved out of my parent's house when I was old enough and just figured I'd never look back. But what about you?" Hansol asks. They were on Hansol's bed now, Chan was sitting up and leaning back on the wall as Hansol's head was on his lap.
Chan tells him. About them. His parents. He tells them of things he'd see when he was young and things he didn't wanna hear from the two people who supposedly had you because of love. Chan figured Hansol knew a bit about it. Why he's always guarded with relationship talks and all. But Chan tells him his secrets and Hansol gets up and sits next to Chan.
"That's why?"
"Yeah."
"Uh... I told you I don't make promises I can't keep, right. But I..." Hansol looked nervous. For the first time ever he sees Hansol without a solid footing on his ground.
"I promise we'll never make your parents mistakes. If you give me a chance." Hansol says, voice shaky and hands cold as they held Chan's.
Chan felt breathless. He felt cold and hot at the same time and he feels a little overwhelmed, sitting in Hansol's bed, wearing his clothes.
"Hansol." Chan says, pulling him closer, and Hansol smiles.
"It's okay if you don't-" "Shut up. Let me finish." Chan cuts him off and Hansol laughs.
"I... I do like you. I'd be an idiot not to." Chan admits and he can feel himself blush from the way Hansol smiles at him.
"But I... I'm just... I don't know how this works."
"No one does. People usually just wing it and let shit happen. We got nothing figured out, yeah. But I wanna do that with you. I, at least, want to be able to call you mine when everything else falls to shit." Hansol says and Chan hits his arm.
"Don't say that!"
"Okay. Sorry. I meant I wanna just be able to call you mine. For as long as you let me." Hansol says and Chan nods.
"Can I kiss you?"
"What?"
"Please? You have no idea how long I've been holding back." Hansol says and Chan laughs. He pushes him to sit down on the bed and straddles his lap before wrapping his arms around his shoulder.
That night, Chan kisses Hansol first. It was a bit awkward at first and really slow, but it was perfect. By the end of the night, Hansol had Chan pressed against the bed, kissing him gently as his hands roam the inside of his shirt and press gentle touches on his skin. By morning, Hansol asks him if they were officially boyfriends, and Chan nods, smiling at Hansol's sleepy face, and he lets Hansol kiss down his jaw as he asks Chan if he trusts him before taking off his shirt.
Seungkwan found out about them first. Unsurprisingly. He was being an absolute headache by surprising them with food at eight in the morning, barging in with his key that Chan should really confiscate, and he screams when he sees Chan and Hansol naked on Hansol's bed. Granted, seungkwan really didn't see anything with the covers on, but the mere thought of Chan losing his virginity on his old bed was something that stuck to Seungkwan.
And then Hansol freezes.
"You're a virgin?"
"Well... Not anymore."
"Chan!"
"What?"
"You should've told me!"
"It's not a big deal."
"Well, I could've made it a big deal. I could've made it special."
"It was special."
"Then I could've made it more special." Hansol argues. Soft eyes and even softer hands on Chan's waist as he pulls Chan's chair closer to him, and Chan smiles.
"You guys are disgustingly in love. You're even worse than Wonwoo and Seokmin. And we all know how much of a romantic Wonwoo is."
"Stop being bitter and maybe find a girlfriend that you can annoy?" Chan answers back and Seungkwan rolls his eyes.
"I'm just saying. If one day you walk in and i'm riding his dick then that trauma is on you, not me." Chan says and both Seungkwan and Hansol flushed at the image. Chan laughs as Seungkwan yells at him and Hansol's hands just keep themselves on Chan's skin.
By the end of the semester, everyone in their group knew. Even Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Joshua who weren't even on campus anymore. And everyone once again went out to the beach house for a weekend getaway before finishing all the sembreak homework they have to do. They managed to get the same sleeping arrangement as before and Seungkwan pointed out that splitting Chan and Hansol should be the best to prevent them from doing anything late at night. Chan blushes and Hancol just laughs it off while Wonwoo hits Seungkwan at the back of his head and tells him to stop being bitter. Wonwoo winks at Chan and then tells Seungkwan he can sleep on the hammock outside if he really is that worried.
That weekend was a brighter copy of their first time there. Hansol's touches were more vivid now. They mean more now that Chan knows what the touches mean. They walk by the shore again, this time Hansol steals his camera from him and points it at him the entire time. They sat by the water like they did the first time but this time, Hansol kisses him as Chan turns to smile at him.
And for the first time ever, Chan wanted to believe. That maybe love does last. That hearing Hansol say that he loves him was enough to hold on to hope. Maybe Seungkwan was right. Maybe Hansol was making him rebel against everything he's known, against everything his careless father made him careful of. But he doesn't care. He says it back. And he means it when he does. Because so far, Hansol's the best thing that's ever been his.
But going back to know, three years later from then, where Chan's crying in front of a bus stop at two-thirty A.M., maybe he should've stayed careful.
"Chan. Where are you? Hansol's been calling everyone" Seungkwan's voice says through his phone and Chan sighs.
"Was I wrong?"
"Wrong about?"
"About him? Maybe... maybe it's not even about relationships in general. Maybe it's me?"
"Chan don't even-" "But it's true. My mom left my dad because of me." Chan says and he hears Seunkwan sighs.
"Channie. Just... tell me what happened." Seungkwan says and Chan does.
Two thirty was usually the time where Chan and Hansol would be on the couch of their new place, leaving the dorm life behind, and living like actual adults. Watching netflix using Seungkwan's account and then falling asleep at around three.
Well, that's what they usually do.
But maybe time really wears your heart thin. And in between bills and barely avoiding notices on late payments, something is bound to crack.
Or someone.
Chan admits that he regrets most of the stuff he said. He let the bitterness in his chest take over his mouth. Let it point fingers at Hansol for not being there, for being more of a thought than an actual person next to him, and Chan knew he's doing it for them. Knew Hansol is only doing the only thing he knew. Working hard to get what he wants. To keep what he has. And Chan knew all that. But he can't help what he feels. He can't help but think that Hansol might burn himself out. He kept thinking that one day, Hansol would wake up and decide that he's tired. Decided that Chan isn't worth the fight anymore. Decide that Chan wasn't enough.
Now that he's telling everything to Seungkwan, he realizes how much he fucked up.
"I let it get to my head again, didn't I?"
"If I was being honest, I would say yeah. But I'm trying to keep you from doing something stupid so let's just blame Hansol for being perfect." Suengkwan says and Chan smiles despite his tears.
"I don't want to lose him, Seungkwan. He's... He's the best thing that's ever been mine." Chan says and Seungkwan sighs again, this time more lightheartedly.
"You two are so dramatic. Really. I don't have time for a girlfriend because you two keep giving me enough headaches as it is." Seungkwan teases and Chan laughs. Chan looks down the street and he sees the exact moment Hansol runs up the end of the street.
"He's here."
"Talk it out, Chan. God knows you two are way too in love for it to end like this." Suengkwna teases and Chan laughs. He ends the call, stands up, and he waits for it.
Chan knew he loves Hansol. Knew that he'd fight for him until he can't. But right now, bracing himself for the inevitable, wiping the stupid tears off of his face at two-thirty A.M. in front of a bus stop, Chan really wonders why people bother at all with this.
"The earliest bus is gonna come by at around five." Hansol says and Chan grunts in response.
"I know." Chan answers anyways and Hansol sighs. It's heavier than Chan hoped it would've been and he thinks this is it. He braced himself for the goodbyes. Chan knew better than anyone that that's the only way this will go.
"I'll never leave you alone, you know?" Hansol says, surprising Chan. And Chan feels like bursting out into tears once again. Hansol closes the distance between them and Chan lets Hansol wrap his arms around him, pressing his face on Hansol's shoulder to keep himself from crying.
"Do you remember what it felt like, years ago, the first time we went to the beach with everyone? That night, every time I looked at you felt like the first time. The way you'd smile or laugh at something and the way you looked back at me, I wanted to be selfish and think that maybe you liked me just half as much as I liked you. And when we were sitting there, by the shore, by the water, I wanted to tell you I loved you. And I wanted to tell you that you were the best thing that's happened to me." Hansol says, rubbing a hand on Chan's back, ancd Chan can't help but tear up.
"But I couldn't. Not back then anyway. But I can say it now."
"I love you back then and I still love you now. I love you more every time I wake up next to you and I love you more when you let me sleep even when i promise to stay up to watch with you. I fell in love with the most wonderful and sweetest person I've ever met and he's the best thing that I could call mine." Hansol says and Chan tightens his hold on him as if something is going to take Hansol away from him and he cries as Hansol pulls him back to kiss him.
So Chan held on. He holds onto every sweet good morning after that and every little message Hansol sends when they're both at work. He holds onto anything that can make this last and he promised to himself to never look back to what happened to his parents. And he'll only look back to learn from it and to do nothing else but that.
Chan lets himself be more carefree, rebels against all the thing's his careless father told him to be careful of, and he lets himself fall more and more in love with Hansol every day. And he takes pride in the fact that he can. That he can tell the world that he loves Hansol and that he always will be his as much as he is Hansol's.