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Ignis’ invitation arrived on a short notice and without much information as to why he wanted to speak to Noctis. Usually it was the other way around with Ignis visiting him in his study or showing up at his apartment without much premonition.This felt different, more official, making it hard for Noctis to read between the lines.
A tiny voice in the back of his head kept whispering how he knew exactly why his friend and advisor wanted to see him, but he dismissed the thought. No one knew about him and Nyx, both of them trying their hardest keeping their relationship from being discovered by everyone around them. It never felt good lying to his friends or father, making up excuses why he couldn’t join Prompto on a night out or telling his father he had obligations keeping him from the Citadel. Yet the stolen kisses in dark hallways or sneaking out to visit Nyx at his apartment felt exciting, both of them enjoying the thrill of what felt like was forbidden.
No, Ignis couldn’t know about them, and Noctis still believed it was true until he stepped into his office. It was already rather late, but Ignis always worked too much so Noctis didn’t comment on the setting sun slowly allowing for the darkness to take over. Not when Ignis’ grim expression boded ill.
“Please sit, Noct. We’re missing one more attendee.”
There was no room for conversation when Ignis’ attention was immediately drawn back to the paper he was working on. Instead Noctis sat down, eyes wandering over the desk and the shelf to the side of him in an attempt to find a hint for his visit. Except for the files in front of him everything, else was neatly stored away, disclosing nothing.
Nervousness was slowly setting in the pit of Noctis’ stomach, not used to the awkward silence surrounding them, only interrupted by a pen stroke and their breathing. Noctis was in no hurry, and yet he still checked the time. Whoever was joining them was already five minutes late, and it was doing nothing for his nerves or Ignis’ mood, judging by the way he dropped the pen and leaned back in his chair.
By now, Noctis didn’t even dare ask what this was all about, let alone look at Ignis. It wasn’t even necessary because he got his proof for his suspicion a moment later when heavy footsteps approached and the door was opened. Nyx looked tired, grime and dust still lingering in his clothes and hair as he stepped into the room. He didn’t notice Noctis right away, but when he did Noctis could tell the exact moment Nyx locked all of his feelings away, hiding what they were to each other. By then they knew how to seem unfazed by the other’s presence when around other people, so they barely acknowledge one another. Nyx stood at attention next to Noctis’ chair, hands clasped behind his back, while Noctis finally focused on Ignis. His heart rested heavily in his chest as he watched him leaning forward, sharp green eyes wandering from Nyx to him.
“Two weeks ago Your Majesty sent out an invitation for you to join him for dinner. Unfortunately you seemed unavailable and the Star of Lucis was missing as well.”
This was news to Noctis, his father not mentioning his invitation or him being absent.
“I apologized for your absence with important obligations keeping you at your apartment.”
Another stretch of silence. Although Noctis didn’t know about the invitation, he did remember that night. Having the day before deployment off, they stole away in the middle of the night, Noctis letting Nyx drive to wherever his heart desired. All the time they were holding hands, Nyx occasionally pressing his lips to Noctis’ knuckles before he took them to his apartment where they made love.
“The CCTV footage of Sir Ulric getting into the Star of Lucis on that night has been deleted as well.” And then, “I would prefer not to be put into the predicament of lying to His Majesty again.”
Noctis’ throat was dry. He didn’t even dare look at Nyx, not sure how he was taking this news. So far they had been nothing but cautious, always coming and going separately. This time, however, they messed up and Noctis knew it had been his fault. He had been the one pushing Nyx to drive, telling him they would be fine; he didn’t think about the cameras in the underground carpark and them recording everything. Words were failing him and so far Nyx kept his stoic presence next to him, even when Ignis continued.
“If anyone else were to uncover evidence for your entanglement, it would see Sir Ulric in a very precarious situation leading to his dishonorable discharge. It appeared to me it was worth mentioning.”
They didn’t have a moment to discuss the matter, but Noctis knew they had to do something. He didn’t want to ruin Nyx’s career or their relationship. Yet the fear of Ignis telling them even if they came clean they couldn’t continue what they had, had a firm grip on him.
The words were leaving his mouth before he could consider the consequences, legs crossed at his ankle and cheek pressed against his fist as he said dismissively, “It’s nothing.” Noctis sounded bored, but on the inside, however, he fell apart with each lie he kept telling. “Just a flirt. It’s meaningless. Nothing anyone needs to fret about.”
It was the tiniest movement, a little shift in Nyx’s posture, Noctis hearing him inhaling sharply, and he knew what he had done. He knew Nyx like the back of his hand, had memorized each of his gestures, the way he braided his hair, how his eyes spoke every word he couldn’t say. So when he moved and looked at him, at those blue eyes which always held so much adoration for him, he only saw the pain each of his words had caused.
“Is that true, Sir Ulric?”
Noctis didn’t know if Ignis saw the same, but the question was a cruel one, at least to him. And it pained him even more so when he heard Nyx’s voice crack as he said, “Every word. It doesn’t mean a thing.”
The world came to a standstill. Although Noctis said nearly the exact same words, hearing them again from Nyx made Noctis realize how devastating they felt, despite the knowledge of it all being a lie. Noctis tried making eye contact, tried to find their connection again, but Nyx averted his gaze. He stood right next to him, but to Noctis it felt as if he was miles away.
As if Noctis had woken from a deep slumber, the hurt in Nyx’s voice the catalyst, he jolted up and got to his feet. “No it’s not. None of what I said is true.” His heart was bleeding for what he had done, and now he needed to try fixing what was broken. Ignis was Noctis’ best friend. If there was one person who would understand, who could help them, it was him. So he told Ignis everything, words of love falling from his lips in hopes for Nyx to see he didn’t mean any of it. And Ignis listened, hearing every word.
“We need to consider the possible options if it is your wish to make your relationship known to your father. For now, I’d think there is much to discuss between the two of you.”
It was enough of a dismissal for Nyx, turning on his heel the moment Ignis’ voice became silent and Noctis followed suit. He didn’t dare touch Nyx, seeing the tenseness in his shoulders, how his hands clenched and unclenched into fists.
“Nyx.” Noctis tried catching up, trying to make him stop and just listen. But it was too late. The damage Noctis’ lie had caused had been done, no matter the intention, but he couldn’t give up. Didn’t want to. “Nyx, please. Let me explain--”
Nyx turned so abruptly Noctis was completely caught off guard, expecting anger and disappointment. His guilt skyrocketed at the gentle way Nyx cupped Noctis’ face, the heartbreak in his eyes betraying the loving smile on his lips.
“We should take it as a sign, so let me tell you something first. I love you, Noctis Lucis Caelum. My whole body was made to love you. You’re right in front of me and I still want you closer. I don’t want to hide it because you deserve the world, and all I can give is myself but--” Thumbs brushed over Noctis’ cheek. He could feel them against his lashes, sending a shiver down his spine. He hadn’t expected a love confession, his heart getting lighter as he held onto Nyx’s arms, waiting for Nyx to continue.
“But we both know it’s not enough. I’ve nothing to my name, nothing to offer except a bruised and beaten body. And none of it means anything to a future king.”
Noctis was rooted to the spot, Nyx’s words only slowly sinking in. “That’s not true.”
Holding even harder onto him as Nyx leaned closer and pressed a kiss to his forehead, Noctis didn’t want to let go. He knew what Nyx was doing, and he felt his whole world shifting in its axes.
“You’ll be a great king, little one.”
Just as abruptly as Nyx had stopped did he let go of Noctis and strode away, leaving him behind in the empty hallway. His head was screaming at him to follow, to tell Nyx he wanted him and how none of what he said earlier meant anything. All that mattered were the dreams they spoke about in the dark in Nyx’s apartment, about a better future, a peaceful Eos. Noctis believed in these dreams because he knew he would make them become a reality with Nyx at his side.
Now, though, Nyx was gone. And it was Noctis’ fault.
~
Noctis tried, he really did. He called, left messages, texted him, but Nyx never replied or answered any of it. Noctis didn’t care for any of his friends trying to cheer him up, and Ignis was the only person who knew why he was so crushed, why his heart kept bleeding. When the first month passed, it was Ignis showing up one night with Noctis’ favorite food, head bowed and just handing him a bowl while sitting down next to him.
“I came to apologize.”
Noctis picked at his food, eyes burning from all the nights he laid awake. To him, it wasn’t Ignis who brought this on him, but he alone.
“You don’t have to.”
They sat in the semi-dark, Ignis not turning the light on as he entered, and Noctis thanked him for allowing him a bit of privacy.
“If I hadn’t invited you--”
“Then something else might have happened. It wasn’t your fault. I should have treated him better.”
“Noct.”
But Noctis just shook his head. “I always treated him like a secret, even tried to lie to you, my best friend, about us. No matter why I did it, it’s still my fault.”
For sake of not wasting Ignis’ effort, Noctis tried to eat something, but the food turned to ash on his tongue and he put the bowl back on the table. “I tried calling him. Over and over again, but he doesn’t answer.”
“Apparently he got deployed again right after our conversation. I considered this to be known information.”
Noctis didn’t point out he didn’t have anyone to give him such information anymore. Instead, he reached for the bowl again and forced the food down.
~
By the end of the second month without Nyx, Noctis found himself dining with his father. It became a rare occasion and whenever he saw him again, Noctis was always shocked at how frail he looked. Yet Regis’ eyes were keen as ever so it wasn’t too big of a surprise to Noctis when his father eventually asked, “Do you want to tell your old man what’s troubling your mind? You don’t seem quite yourself.”
The laugh rising in Noctis’ chest sounded fake even to him and died the second it left his lips. For the past hour he had considered his bad jokes and boring stories as convincing, but one look at his father and he realized he was fooling nobody.
“I--” Noctis wanted to confide in his father, wanted to tell him about Nyx and what he meant to him, what they had shared and wanted to achieve together. Opening up would also mean admitting his lies, revealing his deepest secret, experiencing the possible disappointment of his father about Noctis’ deception.
“Is this about Sir Ulric?”
Noctis froze, his thoughts immediately going to Ignis. Would his friend betray him so? Did he turn to Noctis’ father the moment he knew about them? The thought hurt, although he couldn’t know if it was the truth, adding to his already aching heart.
It was difficult for Noctis to look at his father, despite the kind smile he could hear as he said, “I had hoped for you to come to me when you’re ready. By confirming my speculation about your relationship, I thought it might become easier for you.”
No anger or chagrin accompanied his words, only curiosity, and it made it so much harder saying anything at all. “I ruined it.”
The words hurt in his throat, but no tears were coming; he already shed them the nights before.
“How so?”
“By keeping him a secret.”
“I see. What do you plan to do?”
The question startled Noctis. Since Ignis told him Nyx was once again at the front, he still texted him, left messages on his phone, unsure when or if Nyx would even acknowledge any of it. “I already did what I could,” it was all Noctis could say, feeling too empty at the memory of his doing in all of it. His heart hurt by the mere thought of him denying his feelings to Nyx while he stood by, taking it all without complaining once. And even afterwards he wanted to take the blame, making it seem as if it wasn’t Noctis’ inaction tearing everything they created down with his insensitivity.
Startled, Noctis looked at the hand resting on top of his own. He had been too deep in thought, thinking about what he could have done differently. He didn’t notice his father moving.
“It’s never too late to fight for what means most to you. For a year you protected what you’ve built out of fear it might be taken from you. It grieves me knowing you couldn’t entrust your burden to me. Please know you have my full support whichever way you want to go.”
Noctis should have known his father would be understanding, he should have known he would have his support. But even hearing him speaking so confidently about a possible happy end, all Noctis could think about was his failure. Not only as a son but also as a partner to Nyx.
“Thanks, dad.”
Like so many times before, their time was cut short when Clarus arrived to escort Regis to another meeting, leaving Noctis with so many questions in his wake. What would his father do? How would he convince Nyx he only wanted to protect what they had?
Not for the first time Noctis wished he had his father’s talent putting his thoughts into words, conveying so much with saying so little. But he was just Noctis. He was undeserving of Nyx and what he was willing to put into their relationship.
~
“I assumed it might be of interest to you that Sir Ulric is currently on his way from the Citadel to his apartment.”
For nearly three months Nyx had been fighting against the Nifs. Not once in the past had he been away for so long, and after asking the right questions Noctis learned Nyx had requested to be assigned to every mission. The information had left Noctis unable to sleep for days, his thoughts constantly going through the possible options of such a long deployment. Every day Noctis asked for the reports returning from the battle field, scanning the names of the injured and fallen. Every day he prayed to the Six to protect Nyx and keep him out of harm's way. Now he finally had returned.
He didn’t ask Ignis to get him information on Nyx’s return, but he was sure grateful he did. So when Ignis called, Noctis expected him to ask for his dinner plans. He barely managed a quick word of gratitude before he hung up and slipped into his shoes and headed out of the door of his apartment. Little Galahd wasn’t too far away, not by car. He wanted to arrive before Nyx had a chance to hide inside his place and pretend he still wasn’t home. All he needed was a minute of him listening, hoping it would be enough to mend what Noctis had broken.
The Star of Lucis took Noctis to Nyx’s apartment in half the time he usually needed. Still, he stayed inside his car and looked up at the building. The blinds were still drawn shut, so Nyx was still on his way. It gave him a moment to think about what he wanted to say. He knew the chances of Nyx listening and changing his mind were slim, but he wanted to try. He wanted Nyx in his life in whichever capacity he thought was acceptable for him, knowing he might return home with a part of his heart still missing.
When he pulled the keys from the ignition, Noctis noticed he still had Nyx’s apartment keys. Every other day under different circumstances he would have let himself in and waited for Nyx inside. Today, once he climbed the stairs up to Nyx’s floor, he just sat down in front of the door and waited. Nyx had a habit of spending some more time with his friends after a mission, so Noctis had no idea how long he had to wait, but waiting he did. Occasionally he checked his phone for messages or to look at the time, watching as the sun slowly made its way across the horizon.
While Noctis occupied Nyx’s apartment door, people were slowly returning home from their shifts, meals were prepared, filling the air with the sharp scent of the spices he knew Nyx liked to use for his cooking as well. Despite his nervousness, the smell made him think back to days of them hauled up in this apartment, Nyx taking care of him. It also made him hungry, but this was the least of his worries. What if Nyx wouldn’t return today? What if he had found someone else? The thought hadn’t occurred until now. Noctis knew the appeal Nyx had. The exoticness he exuded turned heads all over the Crown City even if he cared for it or not. No matter how many times Noctis found people staring at Nyx, Nyx had his eyes on Noctis and only Noctis. Having a man like Nyx looking at him in this specific way, somewhere between unconditional love and adoration and pure lust, it gave Noctis a feeling he never experienced before.
After his conversation with his father, Noctis thought more about their relationship, about the fear Noctis always carried with him about being caught, about someone taking the one good thing in his life, the one thing he had for himself. Nyx had been someone who came in like a breeze of fresh air, totally unexpected and ready to stay. And stay he did. He gave Noctis room to breathe, allowed him to grow, never telling him which direction to take. Noctis saw it all and so much more, but how would others look at what they built. What would the others say about the twelve years between them? About Nyx being Galahdian and Noctis the Crown Prince of Insomnia? His biggest fear had been taken away by his father himself, and Noctis was still angry he’d never considered seeking his father out sooner to confide in him, making himself realize his relationship with Nyx was defeated by his own misgivings.
Noctis shifted in his position. His ass hurt from the long time sitting on the concrete floor, looking around for something to make it a bit more comfortable. But then he heard a car pulling up, a door opened and closed, and then footsteps climbing the stairs. Footsteps Noctis had heard a hundred times if not more before.
Scrambling to his feet, every word he had planned to say was lost to him when he finally laid eyes on Nyx.
He had expected for him to look tired, dirty, ready to drop dead any minute. And yes, Noctis did notice the bags under his dull eyes and the frown on his face, but Noctis also noticed the full dress uniform he wore, braids adorned with beads he had never seen before. When Nyx stopped, phone pressed to his ear, he just stared at Noctis for a good long moment.
Noctis didn’t know what to do. He had no idea if the conversation Nyx was having was important or not, but the device slipped from his hand, clattering onto the floor, and in the same moment, Nyx scooped Noctis into his arms. Perplexing him. He didn’t give Noctis a chance to speak either, pressing their lips together over and over again in a familiar rhythm. Being caught by surprise, Noctis couldn’t make sense of the words mumbled in between until he held Nyx’s face between his hands, both sharing the same breath.
“I’m sorry--”
“I’m sorry--”
They both started at the same time, but Noctis kept going. He needed to say these words, afraid he would lose the bit of courage he had gathered despite the welcome he received.
“I didn’t want anyone to take you from me--”
“I know.”
“The idea of someone telling me we can’t be together, the thought terrified me.”
“Your father told me that.”
Noctis laughed, not sure if he heard Nyx right. “My father?”
“When we arrived this morning, we got the orders to dress to the nine for an official meeting with His Majesty. He wanted to pay his respects and thank us for our service,” Nyx rushed out, the spark slowly returning to his eyes. “When the official part was done, he came to me, thanked me for taking care of his son and how much happier you seem. I told him that we--” But Nyx shook his head, not finishing the sentence, but instead went on. “He explained to me what happened, why you kept it to yourself. I was ignorant, and it clouded my judgement.”
“No, you were not. You had every right to react the way you did. It’s you who deserves the world and I plan on giving it to you. Everything you want.” How Nyx managed to kiss him and open the door was beyond Noctis, but it didn’t matter.
Nothing mattered when Nyx looked him in the eye and breathed against his lips, “But everything I want is right here.”