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Kakashi likes the solitude -- savors it, even. For the longest time, it was his only ally, his solace. He relieves his past in solitude, in the dark, while staring at the dark ceiling of his room at the Hokage Tower. No one, not Shikamaru, nor his assistant Shizune knew of his late night habit and, if they noticed the darkened bags under his eyes, they hadn’t uttered a word.
He supposed that the guilt will never go away, nor the pain. Thoughts of his failures haunt him still; his failure to save his friends, his sensei, his comrades. These thoughts go round and round his head while he tossed and turned. Finally, he kicked the sheets off his bed in frustration and he sat up, only to glance at the window and had a glimpse of the rising sun. He ran his hand through his hair and he sighed.
‘Another sleepless night,’ he thought to himself somberly.
His nightmares had started when he officially assumed office as the Rokudaime Hokage. He was grateful that Tsunade-sama helped him out for the first year of his supposed reign (though he wished that it had been longer). About a month in his regime, and he woke up in cold sweat, chest heaving and a clear picture of his purple lightning going through Rin’s heart still burning in his mind’s eye. The next night was Obito’s death from Zetsu; the next was Minato-sensei’s death at the claws of Kyuubi; the next night was discovering his father’s body…
It was a tiring cycle – going to bed every night only to wake up with the worst remnants of your nightmare still burning behind your eyelids. It may be the stress getting to him, or the fear of not being a good enough Hokage that makes the nightmares come. Whatever the reason is, he knows that he cannot continue waking up like this.
So, on the fifth night, he decided to just simply avoid sleeping altogether. And tonight had been the fourth night in a row that he evaded sleep.
In the day, he’d be inhaling coffee and, sometimes, food pills in order to keep functioning as a Hokage. And, if Shizune caught him dozing on his chair with the pen still clutched in his hand more than once a day, she did not admonish him.
After his morning routine, he went straight to his office, already dreading the amount of paperwork that he had to do. It was the fourth morning in a row that he was this early for work and, as he expected, Shizune was already there, arranging the papers into the group that they belonged to. She looked over her shoulder when the door opened.
“Good morning, Hokage-sama,” she greeted with a bright smile, “Early again, eh?”
“Drop the ‘sama’ part, will you?” he replied automatically, landing rather heavily on the seat. He can feel the exhaustion seeping through his bones and he can feel the beginning of a headache behind his left eyebrow. Unconsciously, his eyes closed and his fingers began to rub the spot, resting his elbow on the desk.
He didn’t hear her approach, but he did hear that her voice was closer when she spoke, “Is everything alright, Kakashi-sama?” He didn’t need to look at her to know that her face probably shows confusion and concern.
“It’s nothing, Shizune. Just a headache,” he replied, composing himself and lowering his hand back down the desk. His eyes remained closed for a little while, only to feel warm fingers against his left eyebrow. Kakashi’s eyes snapped open. He’s not used to physical contact and, having someone touch him when he feels… vulnerable…
He made a move to pull away, only for Shizune’s warm fingers press more firmly against his forehead.
She was leaning forward, her face inches away from his, as her fingers began to massage his temple while the soft green light of her chakra began to flow through him. Almost absentmindedly, she replied to his earlier statement, “I can help with that.”
So he stayed still. For a few moments, Kakashi can only stare at her. He noticed the way her eyebrows knit on concentration, her mouth set in a thin line, and her eyes…
Her eyes…
He only noticed it now, but he can now see that her eyes were the darkest shade of brown he’d ever seen. Kakashi always thought they were black. But the hue was not the only thing he noticed. It was the way the sun, which had now risen over the horizon, shone on her eyes. He can see the determination mixed with concern shining through them. Her concern bothered him (it was only a headache, nothing to be concerned about), until he noticed that she was looking at the bags under his eyes, as if she just noticed them for the first time.
Her gaze lingered for a second more before meeting his eyes, “Kakashi, is there something wrong?”
He was taken aback by her question. Kakashi didn’t have the time to be pleased that she did not address him with an honorific, as he was not used to people inquiring him of such trivial things. Sure, Naruto or Sakura may ask him, but they were asked in a joking manner (Kakashi-sensei, really, don’t you need sleep?).
She continued to look at him quizzically, her fingers still massaging his temple, waiting for his answer.
“I just.. I’m having trouble sleeping.” He muttered, his gaze falling somewhere behind her. Well, it’s not exactly a lie, but it’s not exactly the truth either. He can actually feel the headache receding as she continued her ministrations.
She didn’t say anything, though it seemed that she was silently prompting him to elaborate. Her iryo chakra stopped flowing from her hand, though she continued massaging his temple. But he kept his mouth shut. He knows she’s trying to help, but he is not the type of person to share his burden with other people, especially not with his assistant.
“Shizune…” he muttered, a note of pleading in his voice as he met her eyes once again. He cannot say anything to her; he cannot let her carry this burden with him.
But he knows Shizune. She is one of the most perceptive person he knows and she is not a naïve person not to see through his bluff. She was still in the village when it happened to Obito, and then the death of Rin. She’s also the assistant and a trusted advisor of the Godaime; being perceptive is probably one of her greatest trait. She kept her eyes locked on him, as if searching for something. She let her hand drop to his shoulder as realization began to show in her eyes.
“I understand,” she said lowly as she straightened herself. She squeezed his shoulder lightly before letting her hand fall to her side and said with a bright smile, “A cup of chamomile tea, perhaps? Chamomile helps calm the nerves and even helpful for headaches, you know?”
Kakashi was confused with the change of subject when he remembered that this is the same woman who accompanied a broken person for years. This is the same woman who spent almost half of her life loving and taking care of a Sannin who drowned her sorrow, pain and guilt in sake and gambling. In all those years, Shizune learned not to push painful subjects and, instead, offered help in her own little way. She sure knows how to take care of broken people.
She turned to leave, when Kakashi reached out his hand and grasped her wrist firmly. She looked back at him, confusion evident on her face. He looked down for a second, searching for the right words to say to her to express his utmost gratitude.
He looked back up at her and said the simplest words he can think of, “Thank you, Shizune.”
She smiled back at him, that same bright smile, “You’re welcome, Kakashi,” she replied as his hand let go of her wrist and she left his office.
He sighed and let himself fall back against his chair. The headache’s gone, and he actually felt a little drowsy despite the fact that it’s only a little over nine in the morning. He looked at his desk, sighed and picked up his pen to start with today’s work.
It had been at least a month since the incident in his office before Kakashi asked Shizune out for dinner (in his typical Kakashi way), another two before they officially came out as a couple to their friends and another three before she broaches the topic on the possibility of him moving in with her.
It was one of their late night walks after dinner at Ichiraku’s. Despite the fact that she prefers not to eat ramen, she does let him and herself indulge occasionally on Teuchi’s heavenly ramen.
He was walking her back to her apartment, which is fairly close to the Hokage Tower. They were walking side by side, her hand curled inside his larger one. They were not keen on display of affection in daylight or when in company of large group of people, but since it’s late and there are hardly any villagers around, they let their hands drift towards each other.
They were talking about the going-ons about the village, news from neighboring lands and the general business and concerns about the Konohagakure as they neared her apartment. Kakashi noticed that she kept on fidgeting with her obi and the collar of her kimono using her free hand, as if something is bothering her.
“Kakashi,” she said softly as they stood outside her door, his hand still grasping hers. Usually, he’d give her a kiss good night before he left to go back to the Hokage Tower; but tonight, he’s not in any rush to get back to his cold, empty room.
Shizune looked hesitant to speak at first, but then the familiar look of determination glazed over her eyes and when she opened her mouth, it was not the words he expected to hear.
“What do you think about moving in with me?”
To say that Kakashi was surprised was an understatement. He stood there wordlessly in front of her, his mouth agape from behind his mask and his eyes widened as she looked resolutely at him.
Truth is, he already gave it thought before; to be able to wake up in the morning with Shizune in his arms and coming home together at night from a long day of work. It was a very, very tempting offer.
However, he still didn’t tell her about his nightmares. Ever since that incident in his office, she’d always prepare a pot of chamomile tea for him before she left the Tower and though they helped him sleep some nights, there were still nights where he’d be haunted by the memories that left him either tossing and turning on his bed or panting from the nightmare he just had. It was not something he’s ready to subject her to.
“Shizune, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now,” he replied after a moment.
She frowned, her eyebrows meeting in confusion, “Why not? You spend all your free time here, anyway.”
That’s true, he mused. They do stay at her apartment most of the time outside work: when the paperwork was finished early, they’d be in her apartment and she’ll cook his favorite food, and when she got back from the rare missions that he sent her to, they’d be in her place, with him spoiling and doting upon her.
“Kakashi,” she said softly as her free hand touched his cheek. She had somehow sensed his hesitation, his apprehension about the proposal. He pressed his hand over hers, her palm laying flat on his cheek as he leaned against her touch.
She gave him a gentle smile as the hand on his cheek moved to pull down his mask to reveal his lips. She tilted her face up as he leaned down to give her a passionate kiss. When he pulled away, they were both chasing their breath and he leaned his forehead against hers.
She smiled again, her lips red from his kisses and her cheeks tinted pink and Kakashi thought that she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
“Think about it,” she said softly as she stepped back, her hands falling to her side. He gave her a small smile before he pulled his mask back to its place. She started to walk towards her apartment and, before closing her door, said to him, “Good night, Kakashi.”
“Good night, Shizune,” he replied and she closed her door. He stood there for a second, contemplating, before walking back to the tower.
Kakashi woke up with a start, sweating and panting for breath. He wiped his cheeks, his fingers coming away wet with tears. Without much thought, he put on his shirt and pants, almost forgetting his mask and was out of his room in a flash. He had a nightmare again, and he thinks that this is the worst one.
He did try to sleep. Shizune left him a pot of tea before they went out for dinner and it was still warm when he got back. He drank two cups and went to bed, hoping that he’d at least get a few hours of decent slumber without any dream. It was nearly one in the morning when he finally dozed off, his heavy lids finally closing. He thought he’d have a peaceful sleep night. No such luck.
It started with him and his friends inside a cavern, hiding from that Iwa shinobi. And then he watched as Obito’s right side get crushed under the rock and him unable to save his friend. He promised Obito that he will protect Rin, no matter what. The scenery changed around him and now, he can see his purple lightning crackling, his hand passing through Rin’s heart. She whispered his name as he felt her blood drip from his fingers. He blinked and it was now Shizune standing before him, blood spilling from her mouth as his purple lightning began to die. He pulled his hand away, catching her when she started to fall. He fell to the ground, cradling her body against his.
“No, no, no, no,” he muttered, his hand coming up to touch the hole on her chest.
Shizune was looking up at him, her dark eyes becoming more dull every passing second, “Kakashi…”
“No, no! You can’t die on me, Shizune! Please!” he pleaded, his tears flowing down his cheeks, uninhibited.
Her eyes closed and Kakashi’s heart stopped. His fingers touched her cheek, feeling the ever present warmth leave her body.
Kakashi wiped his eyes with his sleeve as he ran, brushing away the tears that threatened to fall again. From the back of his mind, he knew that he’s not thinking straight, that she’s probably still asleep but he needed to see her, to feel her warmth against him, to know that she’s alright.
He arrived at her apartment in record time, his fist pounding her door. After a minute or two of pounding, he finally heard the latch of her door turn. He can hear her mutter ‘What is it now?!’ in a sleepy, annoyed tone.
When the door opened, he was finally greeted by her sleepy face, her hair somewhat a mess, wearing her long sleeved mission shirt and a pair of sweatpants. Her eyes widened when she saw him at her door in the ungodly hours of the morning.
“Kakashi! Is something - ” she was cut off when he took a step forward and pulled her warm body into his arms. Shizune stiffened at first before relaxing, her own arms circled itself around his waist and he sighed in relief as he buried his face against the side of her neck. He fought down the sob that made it’s way up his throat and, instead, pulled her tighter against his chest.
Her hands were going up and down his back in a soothing motion, his tensed muscles finally relaxing under her touch as she leaned her forehead against his shoulder. Her voice was gentle when she spoke, “Do you want to talk about it?”
He shook his head ‘no’, still fighting down the tears that wants to escape from his eyes.
Shizune hummed and was silent for a while, letting him compose himself. He rarely showed his vulnerability, even to her, and he knows that she will wait patiently for him until he’s ready to be himself again.
“Shizune,” he finally spoke, his face still hidden on her neck and his voice still heavy from crying, “Can I sleep here tonight?”
He felt her nod almost instantly, “Of course you can.”
She pulled away from him, locking the front door behind them as he took her hand in his, taking in the warmth that he briefly feared was gone. His free hand removed his mask as she led him to her bedroom, wherein the sheets had been kicked at the bottom of her futon. Shizune let him lie down first and he laid on his side, opening his arms to her as she laid beside him. Kakashi enveloped her into his arms tightly, for fear that she will fade into the night if she’s not secured in his arms. She pressed a light kiss on his collarbone as she wrapped her own arms around his waist.
“I’m right here, Kakashi,” she said softly when she buried her face on his chest. With her safely in his arms, he drifted off to dreamless sleep.
When he woke up again, the sun was starting to rise. If he had to guess, it would be around five in the morning. In his sleep, he didn’t notice that they have changed positions; instead of him cradling her in his arms, he was now the one cuddling up to her. Shizune was on her back, her arms loosely wrapped around his shoulders while his were wrapped around her waist. He was laying on her chest, his ear against her chest, listening to her steady heartbeat. In his slumber, he sought out the comfort of being safe in her arms. He looked up at her, enamored by her beauty.
Kakashi wondered why anyone such as her would want to be with him. Him, who has so many issues, back stories and baggage when she could easily be with anyone other than him. Shizune understands him completely: she lets him come to her when he’s unsure of himself but never pushing him to talk. She knows that he values his privacy more than anything and she puts up with his brooding moods. He doesn’t deserve her and yet, here she is - letting him sleep in the safety of her arms.
There are many things that Kakashi wished for, but he can’t imagine being anywhere else in the world but here, in her arms, for the rest of his life.
“I love you,” he whispered to her sleeping form. He didn’t say these words to her yet, but, in time, he will.
She shifted slightly in her sleep, her forehead creasing for a moment before she fell back asleep. He smiled and gently laid back down on her chest, listening to her heartbeat as he closed his eyes once again. It’s still early, anyway.
He officially moved in with her when morning came.
They compliment each other really well, him and Shizune. She’s a gentle lover, always considerate of his needs and he tries his best to reciprocate every little thing. Though its not always good.
Some nights, he’d be wide awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. When she wakes up to him in that state, she’d take his hand gently between her own, her quiet way of saying ‘I’m right here’. There are still nights where he wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares but, when he do, he’s no longer alone. She’d be there, soothing him, murmuring comforting words to his ear until he fell back asleep with him cradled in her arms. She doesn’t ask about them, though he knows that curiosity’s eating her up.
The nightmares get worse when he’s particularly stressed or burnt out.
There is an upcoming trade negotiations between their village and Kumogakure happening soon in Konoha and various delegations from Kumo, including the Raikage, is coming. Kakashi, Shizune and Shikamaru had spent a week in preparations: from the welcoming committee, to the village tour, the reception food, the places where they will stay were discussed. With all the planning and the never ending paperwork, he was tired most nights when they get home and they usually just crash to their bed without eating dinner.
On the day before the Kumo delegates were to arrive, most of the shinobi that he sent out on a mission came back rather early and the amount of mission reports that he had to review started to pile up on his desk. Some of these shinobi were sent to the hospital for their injuries and, though none were seriously hurt, Shizune had to work there to offer her assistance to the hospital staff. With only Shikamaru to assist him, coupled with the last minute preparations for tomorrow’s event, Kakashi came home at nearly midnight. Shizune made him dinner: salt-broiled saury and miso soup with eggplant. However, he was so tired that he just wants to sleep with her in his arms.
He took a quick shower before he made his way to their bedroom. She was already asleep when he entered and he carefully dressed himself into a shirt and pants before falling on the bed behind her, his arms circling her waist. Burying his face on her hair, he closed his eyes.
They were worse.
He dreamt of every single tragedy that happened in his life – from his father’s death, Obito’s, Rin’s, Minato-sensei’s – he dreamed of every single one of them, one after the other. Every single one was relieved in vivid detail.
He saw his father’s body, dead by seppuku.
He saw Obito getting crushed by rock, over and over again.
He saw Minato’s lifeless body at the claws of Kyuubi.
He repeatedly killed Rin with his purple lightning, but once he pulled his hand out, the woman changes from Rin to Shizune, the woman he loves falling on his arms lifelessly.
“Shizune, no, no. Not you too…”
“Shh, shh. Kakashi, I’m right here, I’m right here…” he heard someone muttering on his ear. He can feel that his cheeks are wet from his tears, his breath coming out unsteadily. When he finally opened his eyes, he saw that he’s laying on her chest and he felt her hands kneading his scalp soothingly.
He lifted his head to look at her, not caring if she can see his tears. He wants to see her, wants to see her lively eyes, “Shizune…” he choked out, a sob almost strangling him.
Her fingers moved down to his face, cupping his cheeks and wiping away his tears. She gave him a small, gentle smile, “I’m right here, Kakashi.”
With that, his mask completely broke down. He buried his face on her chest as he cried, tears flowing uninhibitedly from his eyes as he let out the pent up guilt, pain, fears and stress. He can feel her hands running up and down his back as he finally told her in a garbled voice about the nightmares that still haunted him, of his fear of losing her, too.
“I don’t want to lose you too,” he sobbed out as his tears soaked the front of her shirt. Her hands now went up his hair, her fingers gently kneading his scalp.
“You won’t lose me, Kakashi,” she replied softly. She continued massaging his scalp as she said, “I’m not going anywhere, my love. I’ll be by your side as long as you want me.”
They have not yet said the words to each other but, at that moment, Kakashi felt he had never felt so accepted, so listened to, so loved by someone.
He composed himself for a second, taking the time to wipe his tears with the back of his hand. He lifted his head and said, “I love you, Shizune.”
His words lit up her face and she smiled a gentle smile. He noted that she doesn’t look to surprised by his declaration, but then again, she is perceptive.
“And I you, my love.”
I see your monsters, I see your pain.
Tell me your problems, I’ll chase them away .
I’ll be your lighthouse, I’ll make it okay.
When I see your monsters, I’ll stand there so brave
And chase them all away.