Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was official. Tobio was part of Nicolas’ home. It was only three weeks since Tobio moved in, but it felt like years. Tobio was everywhere: on his bed, on the living room, on the spicy smell of curry on the kitchen. On the hot nights at the balcony and on the cold ones, snuggling on the couch with some warm blankets and his mug. Nicolas felt happy, because he finally could live with the love of his life.

The rumours were getting better. Sometimes, Nicolas himself had to show up and explain things, because they were out of control but things were better now. Tobio wasn’t facing that many insults and stalkers, so he could relax and be himself with him. The PDA was almost prohibited for the moment, because Tobio didn’t feel secured enough. But Nicolas understood, it was a strange situation even for him. As a bisexual man, he had to explain more things that people too closed-minded ignored. However, he could perfectly choose what to say and what not. He was his own being, and his sexuality wasn’t a thing to debate.

Also, the volleyball season would start soon, so he needed to focus on that. That, and also spending time with his boyfriend of course.

“My parents have called” he was saying. They were on the balcony, looking for some fresh air on summer. And he was eating a milky ice-cream, so Nicolas was too focused on looking at him. “Nick”

“Yes?”

“I said, my parents want us to go to have lunch on Sunday”

“Nice” Nicolas forced himself to go out of his dreamy state. “They seem to be more supportive of us”

“Yeah, they’re fine, specially my father. He’s more relaxed”

“I will gladly go to the lunch. Your mother is being so patient with me learning Japanese”

“Your Japanese is good enough”

“What about you, learning Portuguese? It would be fair to me”

“Why, to understand the things you tell me in bed?”

Nicolas smiled. One of his favourite things to do was learning how Tobio truly was. At first, Tobio seemed shy and quiet. But thanks to the long time he spent dating him, he discovered another face, one more direct and haughtier. Tobio knew how to shut him up, if he wanted to. He had power over him, and he knew it.

“I can teach you one or two things right now” Nicolas said, his voice mellow. With the tip of his finger, he cleaned Tobio’s stained lip.

It was Tobio who got nearer and kissed him. Nicolas allowed it gladly, and he soon leaned over him, cornering him on the chair. Tobio let the make out last a minute, because he separated a bit.

“Not here…, let’s go inside”

Nicolas let him guide. Once inside the apartment, Tobio yanked him to kiss him again. Nicolas pinned him on the wall. His boyfriend was demanding attention, and he will gladly give it to him.

Tobio growled deeply when a phone started ringing. Nicolas giggled, when Tobio demanded attention he was a little selfish. He kept yanking his clothes, to prevent him to go away. His gaze told him to not move from there.

“Tobio, that ringtone is from Simone… You know how my sister gets offended if I don’t answer”

Tobio growled again. Nicolas kissed him shortly. He smiled, getting away while he saw how Tobio was frowning. He disliked being interrupted, but he was petty so he fled away when Nicolas picked up his mobile phone.

“Simone” he said, while looking at Tobio who were walking down the corridor while taking out his shirt, to show him what he was missing with the call. Damn, he really was demanding. And he loved it.

Tobio could hear him speaking in Portuguese. He waited on the bed, knowing he would come after the call. He knew Nicolas’ sister could talk for hours, but he found it strange how Nicolas was suddenly quiet. No laughing, no complains, not even simple talks. Silence. Tobio put on his shirt again and left the room to see what was happening. His man was always loud and cheerful, he was never quiet for that long.

He found him sitting on the couch, the phone on one hand and his gaze lost. Something had happened, Tobio could feel it. He was still bad at saying nice words and all, but he tried. He put a hand on his back, to let him know he was there. Nicolas lifted his head and looked at him. His eyes looked glassy.

“My mother… She’s on the hospital. She… she’s pretty bad, Tobio. She might… die”

Tobio couldn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say in these situations, although he suffered it too. He knew how Nicolas could feel, and he also knew that words were pretty useless right now. He opened his arms, and Nicolas embraced him. He noticed him trembling a little, like he was controlling himself, but Tobio knew better. He held him tightly, because maybe words wouldn’t do much, but this will show him his support. Nicolas hide his face on his shoulder, and closed his eyes hard. He needed Tobio’s warmth.

Tobio knew that Nicolas wasn’t feeling better. Of course, he didn’t, but over the days, he seemed out of focus. He was nervous and oblivious, Tobio could feel his stress. Nicolas wanted to go to Brazil to be with his mother for her last days, but it had to be Tobio who organized pretty much everything. Tobio didn’t mind, he had travelled alone before so he knew some things, but he was worried for him.

He held his hand whenever he could. It was the only thing he was sure to do.

“Nico…, its our flight” he said, pointing at the signal. “It got cancelled…”

“What…?” Nicolas seemed to awake, only to face a horrible reality.

They were stuck in an airport in France. Due to the lack of time to buy the tickets, they had to do a stopover in Paris and, then, fly to Brazil. But due to technical issues, their plane couldn’t fly now.

“We have to spend the night here… Dear god, I can’t understand what they’re saying… Nico, you know better English than I do…”

“Ah, yes, yes, of course. I’ll go…” Nicolas left him alone and went to get information.

Tobio wondered if that stop would make Nicolas more emotional. Luckily, it would be only for this night, but even so… Nico seemed so lost. And he was a bit scared, because usually it was Nicolas who had the initiative of everything. Now Tobio had to do it himself.

Nicolas went back to him. He was crunching his knuckles nervously, so he held his hands.

“We have to spend the night in a hotel, near here… They say it would be okay by tomorrow…”

“It’s good, then”

“No… We won’t arrive on time, Tobio…”

“It’s only for a couple of hours. It’s okay” Tobio wasn’t an optimist, he knew that in terms of death, time was passing quick. But he had to bring some hope. “What about our luggage?”

“We’ll find them in Rio. We’re stuck here, without our things and…”

“It’s okay”                                                                    

Nicolas sighed and brought his hands on Tobio’s face. He looked at him on the eyes, looking for security. Right now, it seemed like Nicolas was the youngest and Tobio the oldest. He left him a chaste kiss.

“You’re right, babe” he lowed down the hands to catch Tobio’s. “Let’s go, they have a bus for all the passengers”

Tobio thought it would be better now, but Nicolas spent all the trip to the hotel stuck in his mobile phone, talking to his sisters. Of course, he understood that Nico wanted to be informed, but he also wished some rest for him.

“Nico…” he said, on the hotel. He sat on one of the beds, while Nicolas was texting his family. “Nico, please. Leave the phone”

“I can’t. She got worse…”

“It’s time to sleep, you have to rest”

“I said no”

“Nicolas” Tobio said, sharply. Nicolas shut up. “Come here”

Nico was his own man, or so he thought. He found himself walking towards him, in silence. He sat on the bed, next to him. Tobio took out his phone.

“I can’t sleep, Tobio… I feel restless”

“I know…”

“Look, I know, right? I know this happens. Its natural. But…”

“It’s okay, I understand…”

Nicolas laid on the bed, letting out a large sigh. Tobio followed him, laying on his chest. Nico hugged him.

“This reminds me of my father…”

“So, I thought. I’m also thinking about my grandfather… I understand you, Nick…”

“I know…” Nicolas hugged harder. “Dear god, Lucas will be so sad…”

“Yes…”

“He needs me… us. Tobio, we might have to spend more time in Brazil. I don’t want to abandon my family now that they need me”

“Of course.”

Nicolas closed his eyes, hiding his face on Tobio’s head. He left a kiss there, and started caressing his hair.

“I love you…” he mumbled.

Tobio lifted his head enough to kiss him on the lips. He then switched off the light and snuggled against his lover. They didn’t sleep, at least quickly. They were quiet, hugging and feeling each other.

Nicolas held his hand tightly at the airport. This time, the plane wouldn’t be delayed and he was glad he didn’t have to spend more time there. Tobio kept up with his fast pace in silence. He couldn’t be pushy all of the time, as Nicolas had the right to feel distressed. He found it weird, to be the one who had to balance it.

Nico checked his phone another time after they sat on their passenger seats inside the plane. He immediately bit his lip, and Tobio worried.

“Is she worse…?”

“She won’t pass the night… And we’ll still have 11 hours of flight…”

“We can’t do anything about that” Tobio said, still holding his hand.

“I know…” Nicolas rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Tobio leaned on him.

They would have a long flight, and not only because of the hours between France and Brazil. The previous flight from Tokyo had been a Hell, now it will be worse. When they land in Rio, they would face the reality. Death won’t wait for a plane flight. For this reason, Nicolas tried to not look at his phone, to prevent him of reading the news and feel down in the middle of the ocean. Also, he didn’t want to create a scene, he was old enough for that. He was too focused on not allowing his feelings to come out that he unwillingly ignored his partner. Tobio felt left aside when he tried to distract him with whatever.

Usually, long flights brought Tobio a little crazy. He felt the need to do something, like training. Due to having to leave home quickly, he hadn’t brought anything to play with. He did a lot of small strolls along the hallway and he ate a few things the flight attendants offered. He also downloaded a lot of games in his phone and he slept for long hours. Nicolas wasn’t very cooperative, so he was bored as hell. 

From time to time, Nicolas held his hand tighter. When he was sleeping, he noticed how he hugged him, or how he caressed him. He probably felt more alone while he was out, and those little touches served for keeping him on his side. But Tobio wanted those pampering when he was awake too. 

The agony of time longed until the plane landed in Brazil. By that time, Tobio also found himself drowned in anxiety. He didn’t know what to do anymore, so he decided to stay silent. Once at the airport, Nicolas didn’t hold his hand like before. He went straight ahead looking for his sister, who would be waiting outside. Tobio almost couldn’t follow him, he was always behind.

Luciana looked tired. She hadn’t put on her usual make up and her hair was messily tied up. She didn’t try to smile or whatever, she knew she couldn’t fool anyone. Nicolas hugged her with strength, and she didn’t complain. Feeling her brother was better than anything else. They kept the embrace for quite long time, bringing each other the comfort they needed. Luciana caressed his arm to let him know it was time to move on. They broke the embrace.

“We have to go home; Simone is there with Lucas” she said. Nicolas nodded. “Hi, dear”

Luciana kissed Tobio on the cheek. Tobio just nodded, he wasn’t feeling like talking. Luciana respected that. They walked to the parking lot, where Luciana had the car. She and Nicolas walked together, talking in low voice due to the mood. Tobio couldn’t understand what they were talking about, as it was in Portuguese, and he was left behind once again.  

It was raining outside. Perfect to lit up the mood. Tobio could feel the humidity sticking up on his skin. The ride on the car was tiring, the atmosphere was kind of asphyxiating and not only because of the weather.  

Upon entering the house, Tobio almost started to tremble. He could feel the emptiness of the place he once visited. He could feel the sadness increasing around Nicolas and his sister. He could feel his heart wretched as his partner’s was.

Simone couldn’t stop the tears when she met them. Nicolas hugged her as tightly as with Luciana, who also joined the embrace. He was much taller than them, so it served as an added protection. Now Nicolas wasn’t the broken man of these past days, he needed to be strong for his sisters. He left behind the sorrow to bring them security, like he was asked to do so when their father died years ago.

When Lucas came out his room, Nicolas broke the embrace to focus on his son. The child looked confused, more than sad. He didn’t have time to process what was happening, but he could see how his family was acting. His father kneeled at his height and caressed him.

“How are you, little one?” he tried to smile, to ease him. Lucas shrugged; he couldn’t find the words to express his feelings. He was too young for that.  “Don’t be sad, Avó is now in Heaven with your grandfather. She won’t be alone”

Lucas hugged him. Nicolas get on his feet, keeping him on his arms and softly rocking him. When he saw Tobio standing behind them, Lucas held his arm out to demand his attention. Tobio approached a little more, and Lucas went from hugging his father to be on Tobio’s arms. Lucas rested his head on Tobio’s shoulder while Nicolas, next to them, caressed his back.

Tobio looked at Nicolas. He suddenly felt the need to hug him too. He knew how Nico was feeling inside, and he deserved a long and safe embrace. But as he was leaning onto him, a newcomer unwillingly interrupted it.

“Nicolas…” a woman said. She stood at the door, waiting for the correct time to enter.

“I didn’t know you were here, Marissa”

“How could I miss?” she walked towards him and kissed him on the cheek. “How are you?”

“I’ll be fine”

“Don’t force it, you’re too hard on yourself. I know you too well” Nicolas didn’t answer. “You must be Tobio, right?”

Tobio needed a second to process that she was talking to him. He was taken aback by her presence here, as he didn’t get to know her before. It was a weird time to do so.

“Yes. I’m Tobio”

“It’s sad that we have to meet at this moment” Marissa said. “I hope we can find the time later to know each other better”

“Yeah…”

“We should sit; we still have a lot to talk about” Nicolas said. He and Marissa were the first ones to go to the living room, making Lucas a bit distressed. But when Tobio was about to move, Simone approached

“Tobio, listen… I don’t think it’s a conversation for a child to hear. Could you stay with him, outside? Please”

“Okay…” Tobio wanted to be with Nicolas, but Lucas still seemed confused. If he was asked to be outside alone, he would probably get worse. Besides, Tobio wouldn’t understand what they would say, because they would talk in Portuguese.

He left Lucas on the floor and took him by the hand.

“What are they doing?” the kid asked, noticing how his family was out of sight.

“Just boring talks” he brought the child to the garden, and made him sit on the wooden chairs, at the porch. Tobio could hear the conversation inside like a soft murmur, too far to understand the words.

Lucas rested his head on his arm and swung his legs, nervously. He started playing with his hand, Tobio had seen him doing it with his father too.

“Are you okay?” he asked. Lucas shrugged, like he did when his father asked the same. “It’s… confusing, right? I felt the same”

Lucas lips trembled, he was sad and confused and that made him wanting to cry. Tobio understood that, and put the hand on the kid’s back. Lucas soon crawled on his lap and hugged him. Tobio hugged him, letting him rest on his chest. He felt him calming a bit with that, so it was okay.

Tobio was hoping to do the same with the father.

He didn’t expect that Nicolas family would be that big. Every member of both sides of his family were there, and there were a few more coming forms Marissa. Tobio felt like an intruder, between them. Everyone kept coming to Nicolas to offer their condolences, and so he met all of them. He felt observed and judged. Some of them didn’t talk in English, so it was impossible to maintain a conversation. Meeting all those people at a funeral was overwhelming.

He stuck by Nicolas side all the time, holding his hand. That gained more gazes than he would like, clearly, they were thinking in who was that boy that dated their nephew, cousin or whatever Nicolas was for them. Some of them were discovering their relationship at that moment. He met there Simone’s husband, who happened to be a Mr-know-it-all who tried to speak to him in Chinese when he was Japanese. Luciana and Nicolas enjoyed it a lot when Tobio destroyed his haughty attitude without even trying. Simone was a bit ashamed, but didn’t say anything.

“Pai, I want to go home…” Lucas said, also overwhelmed by all the family gathering. Nicolas understood him, but he had to stay more as the funeral wasn’t over yet.

“Talk to your mother…”

“I want to stay here with you, Nicolas” Marissa said. “You need it”

“What happens?” Tobio asked, he couldn’t follow the conversation.

“Lucas wants to go home”

Tobio wanted to volunteer in bringing him home, as he also wanted to go, but he felt he had to be with his partner right now. Nicolas needed his support; he didn’t want to left him alone.

“Tobio and I would take him home!” Nardo said, almost reading his mind. “Wanna go with us, little boy?”

“Yes” Lucas said. He immediately took Tobio’s hand. Tobio looked at Nicolas.

“Go, you need it too” he said. Tobio sighed. He felt relieved, but also sad that he had to left him. He broke his own rule of “No PDA” and kissed him fully on the lips, to show him he was there for him. Nicolas seemed a bit surprised but quickly smiled. “Come on, go. It isn’t raining now; you will arrive well”

Tobio, alongside with Nardo and Lucas, left. They walked slowly to distract themselves from the current situation, Lucas was in front of them playing with the lines marked on the sidewalk. He was quiet and when they talked to him, he only nodded or shook his head. Tobio was quite the same, although he was pretty often like that. ´

Nardo did a little bump on his arm to gain his attention.

“How are you?”

“I… really don’t know”

“Must be tired, to be with all those people who don’t know you. Did my Dad offend you? He talks too much”

“I’m fine”

“Hey, we’re family now. You can tell us anything” Tobio looked at him. Nardo had the ‘Romero smile’.

“I… feel like I’m not supposed to be here. Like, I want to be with Nicolas and support him but it’s like I don’t belong here, in a funeral that’s not meant to be for me”

“Well… you only meet us once, so I think it’s valid…”

“Also… I think she wouldn’t have liked me to be here… She didn’t like me that much.”

“That’s not her decision. Oh, well, of course now it isn’t… But you get me, right? We’ll still have a long way to finally know each other. It’s a shame she couldn’t do that…, but it’s okay. My mother and aunt are getting more tolerant”

“You think so?”

“Of course. You’ll see how soon they will treat you like the rest of the family. And that means having to deal with all of them”

“That sounded like a threat”

“It is!” Nardo giggled. “No, but real talk. If you think like that you should tell Nico. He’s the best at listening, he would understand you”

“I know…” Tobio sighed.

“Come on, lit up your face a bit, uncle” Nardo said, hugging and shaking him. “Everything’s going to be fine!

“Yeah” Tobio said, a bit surprised by the shaking.

“What are you doing?” Lucas asked.

“Creating family bounds” Nardo said, to which Lucas get curious. “Come here to hug Tobio”

“Yes!” diligently, Lucas run to them and stuck on Tobio’s legs. Tobio understood that the kid was a bit touch starved right now, so he hugged back. Lucas seemed happier with it, and that was enough considering how he looked before. “I love you, Tobio”

“I love you too, kiddo” Lucas smiled widely and Tobio responded at it with a small smile.

The child looked better once at home. He even agreed to play volleyball for a while, it was a good distraction that Tobio came up with. He knew the kid needed some time off, and he wasn’t wrong. Lucas still missed his grandma, of course, but now he could rest a bit.

Later, when the rest of the adults came home, Nicolas went straight to hug the two of them. Lucas told him about their little game, and Nico was relieved to see him not worrying too much about the funeral. He left his son on the ground, as he wanted to be with his mother now.

“At least, he’s not that sad anymore. Thanks, Tobio. You’re the best” he said, embracing his partner.

“He needed to be distracted…” Tobio said, caressing his cheeks and neck. “But, how are you?”

“I’ve been better, but I’ll be fine”

“You know you can tell me anything” Tobio hugged him by the neck, and Nicolas rested his forehead on him. “I know you feel bad…”

“Later, Tobio… Please”

“You don’t have to be strong for me or for anybody…”

“Please” he asked. He separated a bit to look at him on the eyes. “Not now”

“Okay…”

Tobio really wanted him to be free to talk, but he would wait for it. Nicolas always ended sharing him his concerns, if he promised he would do it later then it meant he really would. He needed to be patient, but he could show him his support in other ways. He kissed him softly and Nicolas quickly continued it.

Nicolas’ kiss was a bit shaky; he was containing a lot of feelings inside. But the kiss eased him a bit, and it would give him enough strength to continue until bed time, when he would be alone with Tobio. For now, he hugged him tightly and intensify the kiss. Tobio adapted well at it, happy to help him.

“Guys. Oh, sorry to interrupt” Simone said, at the door. “It’s time for dinner. Do you want something in particular?”

“I’m not really hungry” Nicolas said. “But I’ll help to prepare it. You want something, Tobio?”

“I can have whatever you do. Thank you…” he said, a bit ashamed to be found like this.

“Let’s go inside”

They went inside with Simone. While Nicolas joined his sisters on the kitchen, Tobio stayed on the living room. Lucas was watching something on the tv with Nardo, so he sat on the couch next to them. He soon noticed Marissa staring at him, so he looked at her too. She smiled.

“You and Nicolas are on the same team, right?” She said, nicely. Tobio nodded, he had bad experience in talking about Nicolas to someone form his family. He didn’t know what would happen. “Lucas always talks so good of you. He really likes you”

“Ah…, is that so?” he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to feel intimidated by her, but being in front of his partner’s ex-wife was nerve breaking. And even more when she got nearer.

“I can trust my son. And also, I know Nicolas pretty well, so I see how he loves you so much”

“And…?” Tobio was waiting for the bomb.

“It might be unnoticeable right now, but this family is hanging on a thread. Take good care of Nicolas for me…”

She was looking at him straight to the eyes, so Tobio could feel it. It wasn’t a threat or any kind of resentment. Marissa wasn’t antagonizing him, on the contrary. She was giving the love and attention she once belonged to Nicolas to him. But also, she was telling something more in between the words. Something unspoken. Something she couldn’t deny but wouldn’t say aloud.

Could be that Marissa was still in love with Nicolas?

Tobio didn’t know how to process that information. He couldn’t understand how she was talking to him like that, it seemed like she was giving up on him. Tobio felt like he had won some kind of battle that he didn’t know of. Like a knight quitting the fight and leaving the princess to a rival.

“Make some space for the food!” Nicolas said, making the two of them alarmed. He didn’t notice it as he walked by with a tray. He held the tray with one hand to free the other to quickly caress Tobio’s cheek. He left it on the coffee table. “Did everybody wash their hands? I’m seeing you, Lucas. Go, quick!”

As Lucas ran to the bathroom, Nicolas sat on the couch next to Tobio.

“Here, taste it” Nico said, passing him some food on the plate that Simone had just brought. “I made it myself!”

“It’s good… Won’t you eat anything?”

“I’m fine, eat as you please. But do it quickly, or Lucas is going to end with everything”

It seemed like the time passed slowly. The conversations between the family were getting dull and shorter. Once Lucas fell asleep, the mood was getting down once again, all of them were tired of the day they’ve been through. Tobio wanted them to leave and be with Nicolas alone, as he promised he would talk about what was he feeling.

“Will you stay here for the night?” Luciana said. “Are you sure about that, Nicolas? You know you can come to my house. I have space for the two of you”

“I want to stay. I feel like I need it”

“Okay… If you need something, call us”

“Sure”

Luciana kissed them on the cheeks and left with Simone and Nardo, who were waiting at the car. Marissa came with Lucas asleep on her arms. Nicolas caressed his son’s head.

“He even looks like a quiet kid when sleeping” he joked.

“Like father like son, then” she said. “Call me tomorrow”

“I will”

“And rest” she caressed his cheek. Nicolas didn’t answer. “Goodbye, Tobio”

“Bye…”

She and the rest of the family left. Suddenly, the house went in completely silence. It was only broken by Nicolas’ long sigh.

“Nick…”

“Let’s go to bed, Tobio”

“You said we’ll to talk now”

“And we will… I know we’re alone, but I want some privacy”

“Okay…”

Tobio followed him to their bedroom. Nicolas took the time of changing clothes and preparing the bed, while Tobio waited for him to speak. He was giving him space but he also didn’t want to spend hours in completely silence. Nicolas sat on the bed, his head down. He looked different than before, with his family. He couldn’t keep faking the strength he actually didn’t have at the funeral.

Tobio crawled into the bed and hugged him from the back. Nicolas caressed his arms.

“Nicolas, please…”

“You’re right, Tobio, I’m not okay. Mi mind is going wild…”

“You can’t be right after the funeral of your mother… It’s okay, if you say it”

“You don’t understand. I just… can’t”

“It’s your family, they would understand”

“When my father died, I had to be the one who held them together but I didn’t do it. Now I have to do it right…”

“Nobody is telling you to do it”

“I do” Tobio detangled from him and sat at his side to look at him. “I have to be strong for Lucas, for my sisters… I can’t fail them again”

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, to say you failed them”

“I left when they needed me the most. I loved playing and that brought me to another level, but I left”

“Did you regret doing it…?” Tobio said, a bit shocked.

“No, but I could do it better. Now it’s the time to fix it. I will stay here, Tobio. I won’t play the next season. I will provide security to my family until we are better”

“I see…”

“You can go back to Japan, if you want. The season is about the start”

“I want to be with you”

“I will be fine, here. I’m not alone. My decisions don’t have to affect you”

“You’re my boyfriend…”

“You’re your own being. You can do your life as you please”

“I don’t like how that sounds…”

“It’s not a break up, Tobio” Nicolas caressed his cheeks. “I need to stay here. You can decide what do you want to do”

“Okay…” he sighed. Then, he leaned on and kissed him. He didn’t want to end the conversation with a bitter taste. Nicolas continued it, but he didn’t allow more than that.

“Not tonight, babe…” he mumbled. “I just want to sleep”

“Sure” Tobio lied down and pat the bed. “Come here”

Nicolas leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. He hugged him after switching off the lights. Tobio intertwined his fingers with his hair. He noticed how his breath increased, he was feeling stressed.

“I love you, okay…?” Tobio whispered. Nicolas’ embrace tightened.

“Thank you, Tobio…”

Tobio wished that the talk would have last more. At least, more enough to let him rest. He knew that Nicolas couldn’t sleep well after all of that, and he just could hug him and nothing more. He wanted to help him and ease him like he always did with him…

He couldn’t remember when he fell asleep, but he woke up too early. The sun wasn’t even that hard, but was being forced to get up because he heard the ringtone of his mobile phone. He growled because it was still 5am when he checked it. Also, he had Nicolas asleep on his arms. He didn’t want to wake him, now that he could rest for a bit. But his manager was calling and he needed to see if everything was okay at Japan.

He carefully got out of the bed, trying not to wake Nicolas. He quickly made up to the living room and answered the phone.

“Sorry, did I wake you up Kageyama?” his manager said.

“Yeah, you did…”

“I have news for you, and you need to confirm me if you want to go”

“Go where…?” Tobio wasn’t processing well.

“An Italian team is interested in you”

Tobio almost dropped the phone. He was frozen, while listening to what his manager had to say. His sleepiness made it hard to process, but he was getting things little by little. Italy was one of the best countries for volleyball teams, and getting an invitation was thrilling. Also, it meant that they didn’t care about his relationship with another man. He was still afraid of it, and now all his fears where fading away.

When the call ended, Tobio kept quiet for a second. He then brough his hands onto his mouth, as he was getting excited. They wanted him!

“Tobio…?” Nicolas mumbled at the door. “Did something happen…?”

“I’m going to play for Ali Roma!”

“What!?” Tobio didn’t care if he was still asleep, he run to him to hug. Nicolas caught him and lift him on air. “I knew it! I knew they would see you!”

They both screamed of joy. Nicolas hug him with strength and Tobio laughed.

“You’re the best, Tobio! The world is seeing you…” Nicolas said, before kissing him. Tobio smiled shyly but happy. “Italy, huh? I’m proud of you, I knew you could do it”

Tobio’s eyes were glassy from the emotion and Nicolas found it really cute. He was genuinely happy for his boyfriend, because he was an exceptional player who deserved everything good. Tobio could see it, Nicolas was happy and was so excited for him. He hugged him again, laughing.

“I did it, Nicolas…” he mumbled, trembling.

“Of course, you did. Come here, my little monster!” he carried him bridal style. Tobio laughed, it was pure joy to Nicolas’ ears. But due to their weight, they ended falling on the couch. “Are you happy, my dear?”

“I am. I’m so happy…”

Nicolas started kissing him. Seeing Tobio happy was healing, and he felt it contagious. If Tobio smiled, he did it too. If he was happy, he would be too. He felt stronger to face what was he going to endure with his decision to stay here with his family. With Tobio, he felt stronger.

But once they share the news to the family, the situation worsened. They weren’t happy about that. Nicolas could get the feeling, but they needed to understand that Tobio was a newbie who had a great opportunity. He needed to take it.

“I can’t believe it” his sisters said. “It’s happening again…”

“Don’t be dramatic” Nicolas defended his boyfriend, as always. “We’ll still see each other”

“With the given situation, he just… goes away?” Simone said.

“What are you implying?”

“He should stay with you and help us all. It’s a family matter”

“I can’t force him to stay”

“You just sound like Marissa” Lucina muttered. “She didn’t want to tie you, but then… you fled away and then you divorced”

“Listen, we will keep in contact. We’ll call and we’ll visit each other from time to time. We can keep a distance relationship; I know we can”

“You weren’t that sure before”

“I changed. I’m ready to commit myself and keep our relationship. And I know Tobio feels the same. We can do it”

“Yes, but… In my opinion, he should wait more. Our mother had just died, he should stay” Simone complained.

“He can’t miss this opportunity, it’s not like it comes twice. He’s a great player, the world needs to see it. I know I messed up some things, but look what I’ve become. I’m happy playing, I’ve gained stability, I could give Mãe this house. I can provide my son. Who played for your rhinoplasty, Luciana?”

“Look, it’s not like we don’t like you to play. You’re incredible, and we know Tobio is too. But it’s just… It’s hard, Nico, to not have you here. Just… ask Marissa”

“Did she tell you anything I don’t know?”

“We were here with her” Luciana said. “We know”

Nicolas didn’t know what to say. He thought the things between him and Marissa were over and discussed. If there was something that Marissa hadn’t told, he wanted to know it. He needed to know everything he messed up with in order to work it better now.

“By the way, where’s Tobio?”

“He went out for a run; he never misses a day”

“Good, you can seize it and meet with Marissa”

“What’s the hurry?” but Nicolas didn’t need the answer from Simone, it was answered when his phone rang. It was Marissa, who sent him a message to meet up. “Did you tell her?”

“Maybe…”

“Okay, I’ll go. If you are here when Tobio arrives, don’t mess it up. I know you, Simone”

“I won’t say anything to him!”

“You better”

Nicolas left his sisters at home and start walking to the city. He needed some time alone before talking serious issues with his ex-wife, so the walk would do good. Also, he liked passing by the sea front. The ocean waves were relaxing.

He arrived at Marissa’s house after half an hour. By that time, his mind was clearer. Fortunately, Lucas was at school so he wouldn’t be part of it. It was better.  He didn’t want to argue with her, he just wanted to know everything that happened while he wasn’t there.

“Simone has told me that Tobio is leaving to Italy. How are you?” she said, after they both took a sit.

“Perfectly. Tobio is amazing, he would be so good there. Ali Roma is a good team”

“You sure are happy…”

“Why everybody wants me to be sad?”

“It’s not that. We just want to be sure you’re okay, because we care about you. We all know that a separation can be difficult”

“I know it would, I’m not delusional. I know we’ll miss each other and that sometimes it would be hard to deal. But I’m ready to face all of this, as I face it with Lucas”

“He misses you more than you think, Nicolas… He’s happy that you’re staying here but if he knows that Tobio is leaving… He’s like, his best friend or something”

“Yeah, he’s so attached to him… But we’ll find a way that his leaving won’t be that hard. Tobio would call and visit him as much as I do”

“Yes, but, I’m worried. He’s so sensitive these days, with your mother’s lost… I’m glad you’re staying, because I’m not sure if I could face it alone”

“You’re not alone in this, okay? I’m his father, we’re in this together. And also, you’re a great mother”

“It was so hard, Nicolas… You can’t imagine it because you weren’t here…” it seemed that Marissa was about to confess, so Nicolas waited for it. It didn’t seem like resentment; it was more like a vent.

“It was hard for me too. That I’m in a new relationship doesn’t mean I didn’t love you”

“I know, I’m not denying your love. But… It’s not the same, isn’t it? You didn’t look at me the same way you look at Tobio…” Nicolas couldn’t answer, but she didn’t want him to. “Look, Nico, one of the reasons our marriage didn’t work and I agreed to divorce was because you weren’t completely honest…”

“What?”

“It’s not like you lied or something. It was more like… you hid a lot of things. Your feelings. You didn’t trust anyone to tell anything. And if you keep what you feel now, it won’t go well for your relationship with Tobio. At least, tell him everything you didn’t tell me”

“I do tell him. We’ve agreed to share how we feel, he also has a hard time with expressing himself. We’re doing it better and better”

“Stop pretending you’re always happy and optimistic, at least with him. Let yourself be human, Nicolas”

“I… don’t know if I’m ready” Nicolas murmured. “All this time…”

“Exactly. After all this time, the best you can do is trust in someone. In your boyfriend”

“I’ll try…” Nicolas stayed in silence for a while. Then, he looked at her. “I’m sorry…”

“Hey, it wasn’t that bad. Despites your insecurities, you’re a good man. I was lucky to have you as a husband”

“Nah, I was the lucky one. I couldn’t ask for a better wife and mother of my son” he smiled.

“You’re so charming it isn’t fair” she laughed. Then, she hugged him. It was ages since she couldn’t do that, fearing that she might complicate something. But Nicolas embraced her too, without any worries.

“I needed to hear all that, thank you”

“I’m here if you need me. We’re friends now, right?” she caressed his cheek and he nodded. “It’s time to pick Lucas up at school. Let’s go together, he will like it”

“Sure. We’ll still have to tell him about the situation”

They both went out the house and headed to Lucas’ school. After releasing everything, they were a bit exhausted but relaxed at the same time. It was a huge weight that they needed to lift from their shoulders and now they felt better than before. Lucas was happy to see them there, as they barely were together more than a few hours. He held their hands and stayed on between them, getting their full attention.

Nicolas and Marissa waited a bit before telling him about Tobio’s. They saw him happy so they preferred to keep it like that until they get home with the rest of the family. Tobio was there, already changed and showered from his morning run. But he looked kind of distant, sitting on the couch in silence. Nardo was with him, and Nicolas was glad he had someone from his age to support him there…, but he was worried something might have happened while he was out of home.

Lucas went straight to his cousin and Tobio. He held hands with Tobio, in a little game to cheer him up. Tobio reciprocated it, but soon ended it. Lucas looked at him, surprised.

“I have something to tell you” Tobio said. Nicolas was surprised too, he thought he would be the one to tell that to his son but apparently Tobio took the lead. “I’ve been called to play to Italy. I’ll leave in a couple of days”

“What…?” Lucas mumbled, already making a pout. “Why?”

“I’ve told you; I’ll play in Europe. Your father will stay here longer, but I can’t”

 “No, Tobio!” he shouted, his lips trembling. “Don’t go…”

“I’m sorry” Lucas brough his little hands over his eyes and started sobbing. Tobio hugged him. “I’ll come to visit you, like your Dad. And I’ll call you…”

“I don’t want you to go… And Dad. I want grandma…” he mumbled, finishing the sentence in Portuguese as he was too distressed to translate it.

Tobio looked at Nicolas, trying to find help. Nicolas quickly kneeled besides them and hugged both of them.

“Paaai” Lucas sobbed.

“Don’t worry, we’ll always stay with you. Just as before, we’ll see each other. We’ll never leave you alone”

Lucas was still too upset to understand it, so first they let him cry everything off. The poor kid had a lot of emotions inside that he couldn’t verbalize yet, and both adults knew that it was better for him to vent. He was calmer after a while, still on Tobio’s arms.

“Lucas” Tobio said. “I will win every game I play and dedicated it to you. I will destroy your father too. You just have to see me”

“I want to see!” Lucas was interested.

“Is that a challenge Tobio?”

“Of course,”

“Destroy Pai!!” Lucas said, snuggling happily. “Tobio is the best”

“Can’t disagree with that” Nicolas said. He smiled at Tobio, which he corresponded. Nicolas then kissed him on the forehead and then proceeded to do the same with his son’s head. “Come on, let’s get up and clean that face, Lucas”

Nicolas held his son’s hand and lead him to the bathroom and helped him to clean his dried tears. Tobio took the time to sigh and clam himself. He thought it would’ve been harder to deal, but Lucas seemed to be fine after the initial shock. Simone approached.

“See? It was better if you told him that. He values you”

“Yeah…” he said. For the first time, Simone was being considerate to him and even was complimenting him. “I hope this will work”

“It will. He gets used to his father comes and goes. If you stay constant and keep your promises, he will be patient. He’s a good kid and he loves you”

“I know… I love him too”

Simone smiled and squeezed his shoulder with affection. She then fled away to the kitchen, while Nicolas and Lucas returned to the living room.

“Mamãe is cooking!” Lucas smelled at the kitchen.

“Well, that means we’re going to eat a good lunch. Go and help her”

Lucas ran to the kitchen. Tobio got up and let himself be hugged by Nicolas.

“I want to talk with you later, after lunch. It’s very important to me”

“Is everything okay?”

“I need it”

“Okay” Tobio caressed his chest and he gave him a chaste kiss.

It seemed that the ambiance was a bit calmer and happier at lunch. For Tobio, it was one of the firsts times he was comfortable during the whole meal, and no one started an argument. The conversations were quiet and short but with no mean backgrounds. Lucas was the one who lead the lunch, participating in almost every conversation and even laughed a bit. The family was relived to see him better.

Surprisingly, Nicolas was the quieter of the group. As he was normally the most cheerful, now he felt silence most of the times and didn’t even continued any conversation. He was thoughtful, trying to find the right words to be able to vent to Tobio. He was going to listen to Marissa and tell him everything he was hiding. For that, he needed to prepare well.

Tobio saw it instantly, but he respected it. He would leave him all the space he needed, as always. After lunch, they cleaned the house a bit before leaving. Nicolas told him he needed to be in the right place to talk, so he just followed him.

They went to the city but soon left the tall glassy buildings behind. Nicolas held his hand and lead him through all the narrow streets. The houses there were austere and it seemed they were one on top of the other. Some of the houses were painted in bright colours and made contrasts with the grey walls of the other ones. There were also a lot of people going everywhere, busy. Some of them seemed to recognize Nicolas and even saluted him.

“Where are we?” Tobio asked.

“The neighbourhood I was raised. This is a favela; they are pretty common around Rio. To be precise, that house over there was the one where I was born” Nicolas explained, pointing at a yellow house. “But I’m sure another family lives there now. It’s okay, they need it just like us did”

Tobio didn’t say anything, he just stayed observing everything around him. That place was important to Nicolas, so he needed to be attentive. Nicolas was silent too, but for another reason. He hardly ever visited his favela, there was too many memories there. Some of them really bad…

Just by walking there, he could remember everything. He could hear his own laugh, running on the streets with his sisters. He could see himself playing with a ball, at five years old and how a coach saw him. He could hear his mother scolding him after arriving at home with his clothes dirty of mud because he played for hours outside. He could see his father, saying that he would become the greatest…

He could already see Paulo’s smile, while hiding in the alleys…

Nicolas walked faster, trying to not be carried away by his feelings that soon. Tobio was surprised by the sudden change of rhythm, but still stayed silent. Nicolas turned around a corner and guided him through a narrow street. They walked some stairs and arrived at some kind of terrace. From there, they could see the favela extended under them. Tobio looked at the views for a while, Nicolas stayed at his side.

“That was my favourite place to go when I lived here” he said. “I supposed it’s a good place to talk…”

“What happens, Nico?”

“I’ve talked with Marissa and she let me know that I need to be honest with you, if we want our relationship to continue while you’re overseas”

“You’re the honest man I ever know”

“I’ve never lied to you, not a single time. But I need to explain everything that eats me inside. You’re doing it with me, so I have to do it too”

“If it hurts you, you can take your time. You don’t owe me anything”

“I trust you and I want to share it with you. I’ve been burying it and tried to forget it so many times, but it always come back. It’s time to face it”

“I’m listening… We can sit down” they both sat on the floor, still facing the views. Tobio waited for him to start talking.

“I started playing at a very young age, like most of us did” Nicolas smiled at Tobio, knowing it. “It’s pretty common that couches or managers are looking around for young boys who are good players, so it happened to me too. My mother didn’t like it much, she said it would’ve been better for me to be a football player but here we are… Although she didn’t deny it to me, because I was sponsored and they payed for my trainings… But my father did support me so much and said I would become a great player. That the favela was too small for me… and I believed him”

“He wasn’t wrong” Tobio said, and Nicolas smiled.

“He always told me that it would be better for me to go out of here, at least to the city. He feed all these thoughts to me, and I really wanted to be seen and become what my father looked in me”

“You’re making that sound bad…”

“I became a little selfish, I was just looking for myself. I didn’t take my family into account, they were just… there, for me. Nothing else. And now, both my father and mother are dead”

“It’s not your fault…”

“I know, but it makes everything worse. I belittled my family and when my father died, it hit me hard”

“I can understand that… Well, you already know that I wasn’t very kind on middle school, so… At least, you learnt about that, right?”

“Yes…”

“Judging by what you’re saying, your Dad loved you… And I can see that your sisters do now. Your family didn’t take it wrong”

“I know they did, when I left home right when my father died. I wanted to follow his words…, or maybe I just wanted to run away”

“I think I understand both parts…, for once. When my grandfather died, I felt alone… I understood that my parents needed to work, and they really didn’t have a bad schedule. It was pretty normal… but I felt alone, when I didn’t see them at home. And my sister too. So, I understand why they were upset but also you did what you thought it was best. You told me so…”

“Maybe, you’re right…” Nicolas sighed. “I felt I was going to drown here, so I fled away”

“Were you happy, when you left?”

“I felt free”

“Then, it was worth it. Wasn’t it?” Nicolas sighed again and rested his head on Tobio’s shoulder. Tobio caressed his hair and hugged him. “I… feel like you haven’t finished”

“You’re getting sharper, huh…?”

“I’m learning to know you… Do you want to say it?”

“Yes” Nicolas snuggled before speaking. “I… feel like I’m surrounded by Death”

“Because of your parents?”

“And someone else… My first boyfriend died just a few years before my father did… I was grieving his death and then my father added”

Tobio took his time to answer. He pretty sure knew what that grieving was and how it could affect someone.

“You never told me about him…”

“Yeah… No one knew we were dating. We hid everywhere just to be alone… This terrace, where we are just now, was our favourite hiding place. No one could see us. We feared that our relationship could harm my career, just like you thought. That’s why I understood you so much… Also, those were other times and it was harder for us”

“What happened?”

“Police brutality. He was innocent…”

Nicolas didn’t want to go further, and Tobio respected it. It was enough that he could confess and vent about it.

“I’m sorry, Nico… Now, it’s obvious you needed to go…”

“I’m scared, Tobio… I’m scared of waking up and fining that someone loved died… I’m scarer for you, too”

“I’m okay…” Tobio hugged him.

“Paulo and my father were good too… Accidents can happen, and… I know it’s not healthy to think that, but I can’t help it”

“And you never told that to anyone… You always seem so happy…”

“I am happy. I love my life and I enjoy it. It’s just…, sometimes I feel like that. And those past days, with my mother’s death they came back...”

“What are you going to do…?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m staying here for a while until I’m ready to go back to Japan”

“I’ll stay with you…”

“What?!”

“I don’t want to leave you like that…”

“No, no” Nicolas sat up. “I’m not telling all of this because I want you to stay. I just wanted to share it with you because you’re my partner. I want you to put yourself first. I don’t want you to pity me”

“I want to help you…”

“It’s something I have to work out. I’m sharing it with you, and I’m happy you’re at my side, but it’s me who had to do something about it. Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to get better” Nicolas softly caressed his face. “Tobio…, I might have to ask you for something”

“Say it”

“I… want you to be better than I was. In everything”

Tobio looked at him straight in the eye. For him, Nicolas was a man who was perfect; not only he was an amazing player, but he was also handsome, smart, funny and cheerful. He sometimes had deified him and considered him to be the man who he would never be. Now, Nicolas was sharing his deepest secrets and showing his true self; a human who trembles and cries of fear. He felt kind of bad of not having seen before more than the good sides of him. He needed to work more although it was a first step.

Tobio himself had told him everything, he had nothing to hide. But him… Why he was always smiling? Why hiding so much inside? How could he bear it? How Tobio could read that many layers deep inside him? How could he ask for Tobio to be better than him if Tobio didn’t know how Nicolas were?

“Then… I’ll be the best man I know of”

Because all the good things that Nicolas was, were true too. He was the love of his life, and of course he needed to work to understand him but… He just needed his love, nothing else. Also, it wasn’t like Nicolas had done something terrible! He was just sad, as anyone can be.

“I love you…” Nicolas mumbled, hugging him. Tobio hugged him back, tighter.

Nicolas was trembling. Sometimes, he felt like a kid for crying at his age. He had previously been mocked for being sensitive, but he knew Tobio didn’t judge him. He could be himself with him…, so he cried. He cried like he never did; like a kid who lost his father. Like a young boy who had to hide the death of his best friend. Like a husband who couldn’t save his marriage. Like a father who wants to protect his son. Like a partner who is afraid of losing his loved.

He cried his heart out.

And after that, he felt relived. The world seemed less heavy and he felt stronger to face everything.

Of course, he still felt scared. It was a feeling too stuck deep inside his heard, and he knew he had to do something about it. Maybe therapy, it was about time to take the reins of his own fears. For now, he could stay by his partner and waving him goodbye. Tobio looked beautiful, ready to travel alone and to start a new chapter of his life. A chapter that he will be part of.