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The sensation that takes over him feels strangely familiar by now, a recurring circumstance that never fails to assault him the moment his barriers are entirely down, a necessary requirement so that people can fall into his aura. It feels amiss in the prior balance he knew he was harbourer of, but lately it is almost impossible to not notice it--how his heart never fails to miss a beat, an oddity in the usual accelerated pace he always has by the end of it all. Yet, deeming it as nothing outside normalcy is something Seoho tries to reinforce in the haziness from everything--the lack of acknowledgement of what the notion of calm is can only be due to what results from situations like these. And that’s about it, Seoho believes, the cheers and applause from the crowd seemingly agreeing, the chanting of his name reinforcing what should be the reason for his state.
He lets the thoughts get drowned in the noise even if momentarily, trying his best for the sharpness in his eyes to not abandon him, to not falter right in front of the camera. To not lose the focus that is mandatory for him to have. Seoho tries for nothing else to disrupt that moment when his stage persona is present, but it’s there again when he remembers there are gazes from more than the audience falling on him--his heart betrays him once again.
The blame should fall on the rush of emotions, on the intensity that comes from people who claim utter devotion after his spell has been casted, after his singing has them unavoidably trapped in his charm. It’s that and nothing but, he reassures himself, there’s nothing else that can replace that logic after all. But it’s been weeks, perhaps a month or two, and something still feels amiss--and he would rather not put a name to it.
Yet, there’s one that comes to mind. Seoho just smiles, masking the chills he gets with that facade of unbreakable confidence.
Let it be captured by the camera , his subconscious insists, to allow for the charisma to overflow, for his magnetism to linger on the studio until he is aware that the cameras aren’t on him anymore. And maybe just maybe he can get to pay more attention to the hammering in his chest, to the way it sounds louder to him than it should, to the way he nearly gulps when his mind tries to make the possible reason come to the surface. It can go unnoticed by the public, he is certain of that--it’s not panic of having potentially made a mistake during his performance, it’s not the many eyes that are all over him. But there’s something distinctive about these weeks of promotions, about today.
It makes a little shiver run through him albeit how composed he looks under the lens. His gaze momentarily lands on the side of the stage, and the anomaly in his behaviour presents itself again. Seoho wishes he wouldn’t have become aware once again, yet the moment he does, his knees feel weakened--like they are about to give away at any moment if he maintains his eyes focused on that direction, if he keeps it locked with the glance that falls upon him from that side. He urges himself to just look away, he knows it’s meant to be protective after all--but he does wonder how to guard himself from the person that is meant to protect him.
His eyes focus on the audience again, however. Waving and bowing respectfully, thanking them for coming to support him once he is sure the cameras are no longer on him. It’s just because of them , Seoho tries to reassure himself, yet it is still present on the back of his mind that there is a gaze following his every movement and that even if before he was somehow unbothered by it--now it is the cause of the somersaults his heart does. It doesn’t matter how many times he repeats it’s the elation from being on the stage--a vague voice in his head still mentions that name, and he tries his best to drown the sound.
He crouches, giving some lucky fans a high-five and many smiles that will certainly light up their days, “Thank you for coming today too-- yes yes, we will see each other next week also” he gets to shake the hands of a few of the attendants and for some moments there, some of the uneasiness gets to fade. Yet he can see some of his fans pouting and complaining and telling him if he cannot stay just for a little while longer--he doesn’t really understand initially, yet there is light pressure on his shoulder. A characteristic pat that he recognizes and prompts him to turn his head to the side--meeting eyes again with that familiar kindness behind the apparent intensity in them.
“Sorry but I have to take the star away” there is a lot of complaining when those words are mentioned and it doesn’t fail to make Seoho laugh. He rises to his feet and dusts off his jeans.
“Your heard the guy”
Some whining can be heard, mentions that next week is the final week of promotions present themselves trying to bargain Seoho staying there more, “He will be safe, that’s my job” they exchange gazes just for some seconds before Seoho looks away and nods at the audience, to reassure them and maybe himself that he will be alright. Physically, he knows he will, on the inside though? he can’t be so sure about it. Yet even if he feels that little disturbance in his being, the person beside him is the one he has come to know as the safest place to be at. Kim Geonhak, his bodyguard is the one place that he feels most at ease at and at the same time, where he feels like he is a rookie once more--fidgety, hit with nervousness. Too conscious of his every reaction.
They make their way out of the stage with a respectful bow, a firm hand falls on the middle of Seoho’s back to prompt him to rush before the following group needs to be on the stage too. Seoho rubs the back of his neck, a sudden wave of abashment cascading as they walk in direction towards the hallway, one that threatens to paint rosy tones on his cheeks when he gets a compliment that feels way different than the ones from his fans, “Nice job today.”
He doesn’t wish for the way he is feeling to actually manifest, so he tries to keep the conversation light hearted as they pass the threshold and head into the hallway, “If we are talking about jobs, Geonhak,” he begins, genuinity latching tightly onto his words, “you are the ones that’s doing a good job here.”
And there is nothing fake about what he has said. When it comes to his personal security after all, Geonhak’s performance has been nothing but splendid for someone as young as him, younger than Seoho by a year even.
Geonhak’s stride slows down a bit, his steps not matching Seoho’s anymore in speed. There is a chuckle that manages to resonate through Seoho, yet he can’t really discern if his compliment was the cause of amusement or embarrassment. He won’t question the reason behind it though, finding himself relishing the sound of Geonhak laughing and getting disconnected from everything else momentarily, “Well,” Geonhak starts, and his voices echoes louder than it should in Seoho’s ears, “my job is that you don’t have any problem while you are working.”
It’s not like Seoho isn’t aware of Geonhak’s job, it’s not like the suit he dons doesn’t remind him of why he is here and why he even met him to begin with. But a little part of him feels off when he hears Geonhak say that. It’s in the spur of the moment, but he manages to hide any trace of discomfort by falling in the familiar teasing he is used to, “Oh how nice of you Geonhak,” he says, a round of applause that perfectly ties itself with his slightly sarcastic tone, “You are doing just what my agency pays you for, how admirable.”
If it had been just a stranger, Seoho is certain his words would have been taken the wrong way, yet there is no actual malice behind them. And it’s reassured to him the moment he hears Geonhak snort, actually seeing the humorous side to Seoho’s sarcasm and picking up on it instantly. It’s so comforting that he can’t help but laugh also, “You know,” Geonhak says, “I make sure you stay in one piece for your fans. You and they should be grateful.”
“Yeah I’m sure they are grateful when they see you take me away from them.”
“They will get over it.”
His security is in Geonhak’s hands and the statement about making sure he does stay in one piece is far from being a lie--Seoho at times has a difficult time admitting it, because he had sworn he didn’t really need someone to guard him, yet even the number of accidents that get in Seoho’s way has considerable diminished. He wonders if it’s really because he is being watched now, if it really helped. Or that perhaps his pride made him learn to keep his usual off-stage clumsiness at bay, one day being hit with the realization he didn’t want to make a fool out of himself in front of someone like Geonhak.
It’s probably the comfort born out of getting accustomed to Geonhak’s presence, yet it has Seoho wondering how much getting used to his bodyguard is too much for his own liking. Or if perhaps is not enough still because there are times in which tinges of nervousness take over him when Geonhak gets to look his way. Or when he touches Seoho casually, just because it’s part of his job to escort him wherever he needs to go.
“Let me tell you something,” Seoho starts, a hum in response when he speaks and a hand on the lower part of his back as he is being prompted to walk faster towards the backstage area. The sudden casual contact makes a nearly inaudible gasp leave his lips, and he attempts to mask it by trying to become as talkative as he can, “I’m really not as frail as the agency makes me out to be."
Geonhak giggles, and for a second there Seoho wonders if his agency really told him he was just a hopeless guy that needed to be watched over twenty-four seven, if they mentioned anything about the times in which he ended up wrecking havoc by accidentally bumping on things when walking yet still being capable to do really intricate choreographies for his performances, “What? You really think I’m that much of a mess?”
“Perhaps not,” Geonhak replies, but there is a glint on his eyes and Seoho can tell that there is going to be some cheekiness there, “yet you never know, I’ve heard stories”
“Hey I would only ever be in trouble if someone tried to shoot me or something!”
He says it just casually but it makes Geonhak’s steps slow down its pace once more, and Seoho sees his bodyguard just shaking his head at him and can’t help but let out a ‘what?’, bemused at his reaction, “Antis or stalkers do exist”
The tone sounds far too serious in Seoho’s ears, so he feigns offense at the words, “Wow,” he begins, hand clutching his shirt for more of a dramatic effect, “You really consider me that annoying to have antis, this is unbelievable.”
“I never said--”
“Just why oh why do you even work with me--” laughter comes to interrupt his act, and his eyes widen upon realizing just how right it feels that it does. How the vibe appears to be something precise that happens between them both. He can’t bring himself to say something for some seconds, letting his mind concentrate on Geonhak’s smile. Just some seconds is enough he believes, enough so that it is imperceptible, he attempts the drama again though so to not fall into awkward staring, “Well if I do have antis according to you, then be ready to take a bullet for me.”
He doesn’t know what causes Geonhak’s reaction, but the grasp on his waist tightens in response to his words, “How about…” Geonhak starts, voice trailing off slightly, “ How about we don’t mix bullets and you in the same sentence?”
Seoho doesn’t fully comprehend the shift, yet he tries to lighten up the atmosphere, “That’s because you wouldn’t huh? Look at you, Mr. Capable wouldn’t take one for me and here I thought you were the most capable one from your company.” There’s no response to his words, not one that he can really discern because he can only see Geonhak’s lips forming some words that get drowned in the unexpected noise that fills the hallway. There are far too many voices that are approaching loudly, hurriedly, hastily passing by in direction to the studio, no doubt amping up their speed when he hears TV staff ranting about how ‘they are against the clock just now.’
Seoho doesn’t really recognize the myriad of faces that are passing by, he only knows the hallway is getting crowded and the only thing he can do is rest his back against the wall to allow for colleagues and crew to walk past him. It’s a daily occurence, this hectic environment, and Seoho is aware yet not so much to end up having to be in a cramped space like this. It’s not dangerous neither deadly however, yet Geonhak’s actions make it appear like he is in danger when he becomes his shield--standing right in front of him, palms on the wall, encased by his arms at each of his sides.
The attempts at not minding the current position they are in are there, but Seoho can’t help but take a good look at Geonhak’s face while he is distracted looking at the people walking. It makes his system react again, his heart doesn’t race, but his breath gets caught in his throat due to the distance.
“Are you alright?” Geonhak asks, and Seoho tries for this to be normal so he doesn’t break the established eye contact.
“I thought you wouldn’t take a bullet for me.” he tries to be cheeky, tries to take Geonhak off his guard to at least make him laugh at the playful tone. Yet it fails when the business tone takes over Geonhak’s speech.
“It’s still my job that you don’t get harmed,” it’s stated matter of factly, low voice resounding far too close that Seoho feels the words fan against his visage. His lips form a silent ‘oh’ when he hears that, yet the shift that happens is unexpected, “You can be a little complicated to deal with but I will still protect you.”
Mouth agape, his hand reacts faster than he would want for it too and he lightly slaps Geonhak on one of his arms, “Way to treat your boss!” Seoho says, causing Geonhak to retreat just a bit as a reaction, imposing a little distance between them. He still laughs though, and it makes Seoho that he doesn’t really mind letting that divisory line blur--the one that marks what they have as a business relationship, one that fades to make way for friendliness to settle in. And it’s just comforting, that banter, and he is grateful that someone as professional as Geonhak allows it to some extent.
Kindness takes over Geonhak’s features, eyes softening, a light tilt of his head to indicate they should get moving before more groups crowd the hallway once more. Their steps echo in unison, and Seoho can’t help but compliment him, “You are a good shield, you know?” it earns him a chuckle, one that he is sure he could have felt against his chest if they were still against the wall. A laugh that he would have loved to feel unison with Geonhak’s heart beating against his own. Steady, calm, a comforting rhythm. A clashing contrast to how his own heart’s pace turns slightly uneven when remembering the feeling of Geonhak’s chest pressing against his own.
There really is no snarky remark that he can come up with when Geonhak speaks though, “It’s a must for me to be.”
There is calmness coating Geonhak’s every word, it renders Seoho’s ability to speak to be nearly non-existent other than a soft hum in acknowledgement. He really has become the equivalent to an armor--one meant to install calm in his being and certainty that he is under good care.
Seoho’s lowers his gaze, the floor being what he decides to focus on until the uneven beats can reach a state of serenity that he feels in need of. Yet he feels there is something else he needs, for things to be even, for Geonhak’s calm demeanour to find a cause to feel disrupted just like Seoho’s is.
His teeth dig on his bottom lip, “Are you okay?” Geonhak asks, a nod is the only answer Seoho provides. It’s Geonhak’s duty to protect him, but Seoho wonders if there is a way to guard himself from the reactions Geonhak makes him have.
“Geonhak-ah,” he says, his stride coming to a halt. Geonhak turns to look at him, blinking a couple of times in bewilderment, “Do your job better”
“Didn’t you just compliment me!” Geonhak retorts.
“There is no reason for you not to level up”
A laugh, that’s the only thing Seoho can muster in that circumstance, to attempt hiding what he really is trying to say. That perhaps the leveling up he wishes for is to be shielded from the smile, from the gaze. From Kim Geonhak himself.