Chapter Text
The door closed shut with a booming slam. The noise, however, is muffled by Taehung’s thumping heartbeat strong against his own ears. There’s a cacophony of steps, panicked breaths and the gushing wind ringing in the house as Taehyung took elongated breaths to calm his heart.
“Tae!” Jeongguk’s panting call came behind him in no time, “Tae! Where ar-” He ignored the calls and continued rushing through the apartment, bumping into various objects on his way. His breathing grew harsher and harsher... before finally coming to a steady pace when he reached the small frame placed on top of his bedside table. He immediately placed a hand on the side of the table and clenched his heart. Jeongguk followed into the room, ready to press further before he caught a glimpse of Taehyung hunched over his night table.
Immediately, he slowed his steps and furrowed his eyebrows. He curiously stood still, staring at the ragged figure from the other side of the bed.
He watched as Taehyung’s face contorted slowly, as it usually did whenever he genuinely felt pained. Jeongguk felt himself close his own eyes in pain as he heard the stuttered breathing escalate to low-pitched broken, chortled sobs. He forced his feet to drag across the room over to where Taehyung stood latching his palm to the side of his face.
“Talk to me, Tae.” He gently nudged his shoulder, turning him towards him. Behind him, rested a playful photo of his mother staring into the camera with a mischievous smile. “Please?” he was replied with more broken sobs that tugged at his chest. Taehyung rested his wet cheeks on Jeongguk’s shoulders and let out a few more sniffles. His chest heaved at an alarming pace and Jeongguk instinctively placed an arm around him and started breathing through his mouth loudly to guide his intake.
Taehyung felt his nerves calm as he tried to match the loud exhales.
“You were drinking with her.”
Jeongguk’s stomach dropped at the sound. For a moment, he stilled before processing the sentence. When he did, he didn’t know whether he should be relieved or angry at the unspoken accusations. It wasn’t the first, or the third time head witnessed a heavy meltdown from his long-term boyfriend regarding his interactions with his colleagues. Granted, it was the first time Taehyung felt the need to drag him out in the middle of a work event. Taehyung’s breakdown wasn’t simply jealousy, no, it was streaks of distrust, insecurity and doubt interlaced together, wrapping itself around Jeongguk’s throat. The repeated, overused lines of reassurance bubbled up his throat. He choked the, “I would never cheat on you,” and, “You’re the only one I’d ever be with you.” and the “ I love you” ’s back- too shaken up on his own to feed him sweet lines.
It was now Jeongguk’s turn to calm his erratic emotions. He aggressively rubbed over his chest to soothe himself, frantically thinking of a way to redeem the situation- for himself, and Taehyung.
“What do you want me to say?” he huffed out, sounding less concerned and more annoyed. Taehyung looks up sideways, their lips unbearable close to each other. He had expected some soft-spoken words in reply, not a venomous string of words spit out in a moment of rage. Quickly, he tried to rush past Jeongguk but he was pushed back harshly. More tears pooled his eyes as he avoided the piercing pair of eyes on him. “No, no, tell me what you want me to say.”
“Nothing. Gguk. Nothing- I just feel,” he swallowed loudly, “overwhelmed. I should go.”
“No.” He was pushed back once more, this time a little more violently than the last. “No. I’m done with feeding you reassurances that should be obvious!” His voice boomed louder than Taehyung’s heartbeat. Taehyung waited for him to continue, deadly still. His emotions were no longer preoccupied by the replaying scene of Jeongguk laughing heartily with some worker. “Why don’t you just fucking admit-” He choked on his own spit, letting out a bitter chuckle, “that you just don’t fucking trust me. That you think I’m still some fuckboy I was when we were teenagers. Fuck, Tae! It’s been 5 years and you still keep doubting me. Am I- Am I...” Now, his tone had reduced to a tired, sickly and teary voice, “Am I never going to be good enough?”
Taehyung gaped his mouth slightly as he took in the words, watching Jeongguk break in a way he hadn’t witnessed before- a few stray tears struggling to flow down his cheeks. He didn’t know how to comfort anyone, not to mention someone who rarely broke down. It only hit him how often he found himself comforted by Jeongguk. So often, he never questioned his own strategies to cope with a crying Jeongguk. A familiar burn enveloped his chest.
It was never about him, never about Jeongguk. It was Taehyung. He was always never enough. Never pretty enough, never rich enough, never talented enough. Who knew Jeongguk felt the same way?
Am I never going to be good enough?