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Our lips locked.
Dull sparks were felt.
It meant nothing.
You’re out of breath once again. “How are you able to do that?” Your eyes never meet mine. “With someone like me. I’m not even the one you like.”
Yes, I told you that I was in love. In love with your childhood friend. In love with Masato Hijirikawa.
That chuckle you let out, so meek and sad.
And you told me you were in love. In love with Syo Kurusu.
“I wish I could do that with someone who isn’t Syo.”
We were both in pain. Both brokenhearted. Yet, here we are sitting on your bed. We agreed to this, as a way of overcoming our unrequited loves.
In the end, the efforts are for naught. But we continue because that is what we only know.
I couldn’t help myself. Entangling my fingers into your rich orange locks, I dive in for another kiss. That’s all I know how to do now.
We fall, you right under me.
I stare. Stare right at you. You eyes are half-lidded, but I know you aren’t looking at me. You never look at me.
Not in the way you look at Syo. You’re always looking at Syo, even though we both know he’s already with Ai. He has been for a while now.
And here I am, having told you about Masato. He and Otoya seem to be doing well. Great, actually. He’s always so happy whenever they’re together. I envy them.
The more I stare at you, the more thoughts come and go and blur themselves within my mind.
‘I want to embrace him.’
‘Want to hold him.’
‘To kiss him.’
‘Ravage him.’
‘Make him mine.’
But I cannot do such things, for his heart already belongs to someone else. And I would be a criminal if I were to forcibly pull him away.
It doesn’t matter. I’m here now, and I have to finish what I started.
I lean down and place a kiss on his neck. He has mentioned before that certain parts of it make him shudder.
“I-Ichi. . .”
Your voice is so small. So timid. So scared.
“Hm? What is it?”
“I’m not ready.” Your lips quiver. “I’m not ready to go further.”
My hands reaches out to stroke your cheek. “It’s fine, Ren. I understand.”
The tears in your eyes glisten in the dark. “I-I’m sorry. I’m s-so s-s-sorry. . .”
Seeing you like this hurts. I hate seeing you so miserable.
“I’m not upset at you. I can never be.” I hold him close. “Why would I ever be upset?”
“You. . .” Your fingers latch onto the back of my shirt. “How are you able to give me so much? You’re in love with Hijirikawa, but here you are with me. I can’t give you anything.” Your grip tightens. “How are you able to completely erase and replace my existence with Hijirikawa so easily?”
Silence befalls on us. I don’t know what to say. In fact, I don’t have an answer to your question. I’ve told you that I loved Masato, and that was it.
“I don’t know.” That is my only response.
I hear your quiet laugh. “I promise.” I feel your smile against my shoulder. “I promise to prepare myself. I’ll do my best to replace you with Syo the next time we do this.” You break off, giving me another sad smile. “For the sake of us.” You’re looking right at me. This is the first time you’ve ever done that.
I only nod. I can’t say anything else to your words.
“I think it’s best if we rest for the night,” Ren says. “Hijirikawa is still with Ikki, yes?”
“Yes, he is.”
“It’s quite late, so he may not return. You can take his bed, then.” Ren looks away. “You’d probably like that.”
“Ah, thank you.” I move off your bed. “I’m going to use your bathroom if you don’t mind.”
“Please, go right ahead.”
“Thank you. Good night, Ren.”
“G’night, Ichi.”
As you doze off to sleep, I make my way into the bathroom. Finally, some privacy. A place to go through my thoughts.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is a mess, my rose-tinted cheeks clash with my tired eyes. As the urge to cry increase, I hastily splash water onto my face.
I will not cry.
I cannot cry.
I’m a liar. A despicable, horrible liar.
I told you that I was in love with Masato, which was a lie.
I told you that I didn’t know how I could replace you with Masato; that too was a lie.
I was never in love with Masato.
I never replaced you with Masato whenever we had our rendezvous.
In truth, I’m in love with you.
But you loved Syo, and I know I couldn’t take those feelings away. I knew how long you’ve loved him for. I was the only person you’d share those feelings with.
I took advantage of your pain in hopes of something. I was naive. I was stupid. You deserve so much better. You don’t deserve someone as fucked up as me. You deserve the world. You deserve anyone but me.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
“I’m so sorry, Ren.”