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He sat on the sand with his knees up to his chest, arms wrapped around them as he stared out into the ocean. It was 5:30 in the morning. He could make out where the sun was hiding beneath the shadows of the horizon, but it wasn't shining quite yet.
The wind blew through his hair, the untamed blonde hair becoming wilder. He looked down at the sheet of paper he held in one of his hands, carefully unfolding it before he read it.
Soobin,
I would like to say I’m good at deciphering my thoughts into words, feelings into actions. But when it comes to you, I'm not very good with words, much less with feelings. Either way, I decided to combine those two and write to you about what I feel.
There are simply no words to describe you. You're the sun and the moon and the stars, but none of them shine brighter than you do when you smile. No candle in any dark place could ever outshine your light, and they're jealous.
I'm jealous.
How could someone so beautiful, so perfect, become associated with someone like me? How can someone's light illuminate mine as well? How can someone make my day by just looking at me?
I never knew the answers, I still don't, and I probably never will. But I don't mind that. As long as it's still you.
Maybe you know this, or maybe you don't (which can't be possible because I'm the most obvious person ever, and you would agree), but I'm in love with you.
I look forward to our sunrise escapades at six in the morning on Friday's because I get to see you, with your face puffy, your voice still laced with sleep, being illuminated by the prettiest colors you’ve ever worn. My heart skips a beat every time I see you in my hoodie, and I love teasing you about it. I love watching your cheeks turn a light pink before you push my shoulder playfully and call me dumb.
Before he could read any further, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He folded the paper in half immediately before turning and looking up.
"You’re here early," he joked, catching his smile before he sat down beside him.
"Shut up, Yeonjun-hyung," he giggled. "You didn’t wait for me."
"You looked so peaceful sleeping," the elder shrugged, earning a nudge on his shoulder. "Tired?" He looked at the younger’s swollen face, lips plump, eyes still half shut.
"Insanely," he sighed as he looked at him. "But I wasn't gonna miss this."
Yeonjun gave him a small smile. "How kind of you," he cooed. "Soobin actually does care about me."
"I meant I wasn't gonna miss the sunrise, you idiot," Soobin sighed in fake desperation. Yeonjun just chuckled and shook his head, disregarding the lack of respect.
They sat in silence for a while, the crashing of the waves in the ocean creating a background sound for them. It was calming, the waves. That's what had brought Yeonjun there in the first place, eventually Soobin tagging along.
(He remembered Soobin — dark circles under his pretty eyes, dried up drool on the corner of his mouth from sleep — looking up at him from the couch, where he had fallen asleep watching an anime, when Yeonjun was leaving the dorms for his daily dawn adventures.
“Hyung?” Soobin had called him groggily. “What time is it?”
“A couple minutes past five,” he whispered as he tugged on his hoodie over his head. “Go back to sleep.”
“Where are you going?”
Yeonjun didn’t answer him immediately. He had debated on telling him the truth — but that was his leader, most of all his Soobin. He could never — would never — lie to him.
“The beach to watch the sunrise.”
More awake, rubbing his eyes and standing up, Soobin said, “I’ll go with you.”
Yeonjun only nodded.)
He looked down at the folded paper in his hand, and after giving it some thought, he returned it back to the pocket of his jacket. Soobin didn't notice — he was too tired to realize, but he liked it better that way.
It hurt Yeonjun every day not being able to tell him how he felt, to have to keep him at a distance. To have him so close, yet so far from his reach; Yeonjun didn’t think he could handle it any longer. But he did. He always did.
He felt Soobin’s head drop to his shoulder, and he linked their arms together as he snuggled into him. He smiled lightly before leaning his head against Soobin’s head, still staring out into the ocean.
The sky became a combination of dark blue, pink and orange hues. They watched as the sun started peeking behind the horizon, its rays barely giving light to the world.
"Hyung," Soobin mumbled. He only hummed. "This is beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here."
"You say that every time, Bin," he snorted. He nudged his knee, but said nothing. "I'm glad I brought you here, too."
If he was being honest, he wasn't glad. In fact, he hated himself for ever taking him to the beach, for mentioning his five in the morning walks every Friday. Because every time, he decided to go with him. And every time, Yeonjun’s heart hurt even more.
It wasn't his fault; he didn't know. He held no grudge against him, but against himself.
If I wasn't such a coward, he thought.
The orange hues became brighter, allowing the early morning rays to hit them warmly. Soobin removed his head from under Yeonjun’s and ran his free hand through his hair as he admired the early rising of the sun. Yeonjun looked over and felt the familiar pain in his chest as he stared.
Soobin’s face glowed, puffiness still present, but beautiful nonetheless. His eyes sparkled, and the golden specks became more evident with the soft light the sun was radiating. His parted lips and cheeks were tainted pink, a color Yeonjun thought always looked gorgeous against his pale skin.
It was as if this color pallet of oranges and pinks and yellows were made specifically for Soobin, as if they only existed for him. A color pallet Yeonjun wasn’t always fond of before, until he had realized how well it suited the younger boy beside him.
Soobin let out a content sigh as he closed his eyes and smiled lightly, letting the breeze hit him. He opened his eyes and turned to face Yeonjun, giving him a smile as his eyes created the most beautiful crescent moons he had ever seen.
Yeonjun felt like he was suffocating. He couldn't breathe — but when could he if he was around?
His arms still around his knees, Soobin placed his chin on his arm, looking up at him through his long lashes. Stop killing me.
"You okay?" he asked softly.
"Yeah," Yeonjun lied, voice thick. Soobin gave him a look, and he knew he didn't believe him. It was as if the world had stripped him naked, and he was exposed to everyone, to him, as he always was. "I'll be okay."
"What's wrong?"
He let out a snort and shook his head. "Nothing you should be concerned about, Soobin," he replied in good nature. "Really, I'll be okay."
And he always was. To some extent.
As the sun kept rising, he knew he couldn't keep feeling like that. He was always too close to telling him, too close to exposing himself. So he collected all the broken pieces of himself that had fallen beneath the light of the moon and pretended as if everything was fine.
It kept happening. Every Friday before the sun rose, he would break off pieces of himself for him in hopes of handing them to him, but he could never get himself to do it.
"Moon," he called him one Friday at dawn before the sun rose.
Soobin turned to look at him, the cold air making him shiver beneath his hoodie. "Moon?" he asked.
"Moon," Yeonjun repeated. "You're the moon."
He furrowed his brows in confusion. "I'm the moon?" he repeated. The elder nodded. "How's that?"
"It seems like you’re more fond of the night time than you are of the daytime," he started, ruffling his own hair before continuing. “You’re still there during the day, but you’re hidden, as if you’re scared of it. Maybe you like the darkness the night holds, sure, but you’re much more attracted to the light the moon reflects. You’re drawn to it." He paused before looking over at Soobin, who was listening to him intensely. “Or more like the moon is attracted to you. Because without you, the moon wouldn’t shine.”
Soobin looked at him with wide eyes. "Since when did you get so deep?"
Yeonjun rolled his eyes and hit the back of his head softly as he laughed. "Shut up, Choi. I was trying to be poetic."
Soobin giggled at his annoyed huff and let his long arms wrap around him. "It was beautiful," he muttered against their hoodies. "You're truly a poet, Choi Yeonjun."
He felt the warmth in his heart, but could still feel the coldness of the outside. He shouldn't get his hopes up, and as he looked around the empty beach under the moon, he realized that.
Everything was just blue under the moon.
The dusk beach was occupied by just the two of them, sitting next to each other as they shared warmth. Yeonjun’s eye caught the sight of a bird not far from them, singing softly.
He didn't know why, but he felt the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. The bird turned to look at him, cocking it's head to the side before letting out a chirp.
Why are you crying? It's just you and him.
That's the point, Yeonjun thought. It's just me and him.
His focus on the bird faltered as he heard humming beside him. He turned to look at Soobin, watching him as he hummed a quiet song to himself.
He always loved to hear his soft hums.
And as he continued, the sun rose, the morning sky turning red and orange, bright as a few patches of blue also decorated the sky. Dawn became morning, and the moon soon put itself to sleep at the sound of Soobin’s soft hum.
As the moon departed, he felt the blue in him disappear, feeling warmer as Soobin cuddled into him.
Yeonjun couldn't complain, even though Soobin wasn't his. Step by step, things would turn out the way he wanted. But until then, he would have to live under the blues of the moon, hoping it wouldn't take long for it to fall asleep.