Work Text:
Playlist:
I Don't Wanna Live Forever - Zayn, Taylor Swift (⅓)
I.
What Can I Do - DAY6 (⅔; Kwang Soo)
He's alone now.
His girlfriend had left after their anniversary dinner set at home, unfortunately busy the next day. Kwang Soo had waved her away and was left with a couple dishes and pans to clean, and some shimmering candlelight bouncing across the dark stretches of the room.
It's the candles, he thinks, that are putting him into such a reminiscent mood. A dangerous mood for him to be in.
He’s too sensitive and too much of a dreamer- a fact that he had become aware of in these times where he was alone. And no one should leave him alone to himself these days, alone with his thoughts.
Like now, he was left alone with the frequently-recalled fact that he had been in love with Jeon So Min, who should never have been more than a colleague, a friend or sister at most, for some year or so straight out of a dream.
This thought appears so easily in his mind you’d think it had changed his life forever.
It could only have been a dream- because no one else seemed to remember it. It became almost like the implied rule of the show... forget their not-quite-loveline like a bad direction in a script. Like it was so completely left field and that it never could have happened. To the producers of the show, was their relationship exactly that to them?
Was their relationship like that to her?
That could be the only reason why So Min threw him Sun Bin’s number. He had stopped loving So Min because Lee Sun Bin had fallen in love with him, and he was in no position to not return her feelings. It would have been cruel to both Sun Bin and himself if he had not.
Jae Seok is his 'love tutor,' and Jong Kook is his friend with a perspective he has always respected. Their hangouts had details of Kwang Soo's love life peppered in, and their text messages always had levity when giving him advice or listening to him ramble about places for dates or things he should have done better.
Up until a certain point, he had told them absolutely everything. And he now wants to tell them this, too: that one of the things he is not sure of… is everything relating to the very core of their relationship.
Despite his inner turmoil, their relationship is unshakeable. She loves him, so much, and he reciprocates… he reciprocates… he does.
She was doing everything for the sake of them. He felt like an apathetic bystander in his own relationship. What kind of person was he to make her carry all the burden on her shoulders…?
He had never expressed these sentiments before. The root of these sentiments was something so shameful that he was not sure he could share it with anyone, much less keep thinking about it himself. Much less on his anniversary...
Oh God, his anniversary. How could he be thinking these things?
And why is it on this night that a new thought enters his mind, one he’s worked so hard to repress.
He doubted if he really did ever stop loving So Min.
Because he is still a little, a lot devastated that it wasn't her.
Love is not effortless, and god he knows that. But why, then, did the chemistry and love come so naturally with someone else, if they were not also able to carry the burden together?
So Min, bright and beautiful from his girlfriend in a different way, more blinding , he thinks as he glances around to the subtle light of the candles for a comparison.
She was always filling the entire room with her presence- so he used to live for the small, subtle moments they used to share… whispering a joke into each other's ears… finding a way to sit next to each other during meals or on the bus rides as they were moved from mission to mission…
This was so wrong. What was he doing?
He really is a fool even off-screen, for being so hung up on something that never happened. Not even close to the ghosts of old relationships that other people had- he was moping over a crush, when a beautiful and amazing woman called him hers- the one thing So Min could never do.
He knows he loves Sun Bin. Why else would he date her? Take care of her, look at only her, make her laugh?
He digs his hands into his jeans. And he can't help but be bitter, at himself and at the woman he once loved. Still was thinking about.
You led me on, he thinks, half jokingly. I gave you so many signs and you just threw me another woman's number as if I could be tided over.
He can keep it to himself for now. And keep trying to forget. The only flaw in this oh so brilliant plan is that Kwang Soo's just not sure how much longer he can hold this in his own head, as if it had only happened in a distant dream that only he remembered.
He is just a ticking time bomb with the fuse lit to his heart.
II.
Heather - Conan Gray (3/3; So Min)
So Min throws a small rock at a storefront and half-skips into a coffee shop. She's acting rather like a kid, she knows, but she can't help it whenever she thinks childish things. She acts as she thinks- this is her flaw and her charm, So Min claims to no one in particular. Actually, she might have told this to one person before, but that’s a lifetime ago.
Once her drink's in hand she finds a table near the window that allows for the clear sky to be the backdrop to her thoughts. She promises to think only happy things, or at least things that don't hurt. Make it a good day today.
She can never help it though.
She's a poet, she's a writer, and she brought an adorably accented notepad, which she places beside her latte. So Min usually has it on hand, for words and phrases and overheard conversations of other patrons. They give her ideas colour. Scraps of living that could become beautiful if arranged in just the right way.
Let's write something happy today. Please.
Thinking about him happens naturally, especially when she's alone, when she can't rely on anyone's presence or distractions. Se Chan has been really helpful in that way.
But it's not like she thinks about him all the time, she clarifies to herself. She just… can't help it once he slips into her line of sight. Slips into her thoughts. Slips into her writing, time and time again her biggest inspiration in the most glamorous of ways: heartbreak.
You led me on.
Her first words on the paper. She can spin them into something cheerful, maybe, but she's honestly too tired to try anything other than what is most natural to her. Most authentic.
Sighing, she just goes with it. Let it all out and maybe it will be gone forever, for a minute, for a second of peace.
She just wants that part of her life to be forgotten. The hate she received from joining the show, the malicious criticism she would get from her actions every episode- and the bittersweet memories with Kwang Soo that were in no way straightly platonic.
All the bad, all the good. Make it all disappear in order to move on.
You took the easy way out.
They were both painfully aware of each other's feelings- yet not of each other’s thoughts. Maybe if they had talked instead of flirted without intention. There wasn’t even an established loveline for them in the show because nothing whatsoever was forced in their entanglement of chemistry and tension. It was organic, real, and raw. Which is why it hurt so much, too. Even on the best days.
"Just give me some time," So Min had said. Her then-boyfriend, her position in the show. Give her some time, you impatient person, you lovable giraffe.
She had said those exact words for sure, because she could never have forgotten what she had said after. "Or at least take Sun Bin's number. I feel like you should have it, so I don’t tie you down..."
You don't need it though, right? her eyes had silently begged.
Kwang Soo’s eyes lifted from her face to the number, his hands from his slight brushing of her fingertips to the folded napkin with Sun Bin’s number scribbled on, which felt heavy in So Min’s hands. Each action was its own infinity, with consequences reaching beyond time.
He took it, and So Min had thought- or hoped- it to be just because she had said to. She did not know that the number would be a ticking clock as Sun Bin fell harder for Kwang Soo, until Kwang Soo loved her back.
To be assured of her place in the show, to be comfortable in this aspect of her life, to know that their romance was real and was going to be alright no matter what. It seemed like not too much to ask.
The easy way out was the right choice for him, though. He really did get some happiness out of it.
"Good for you," So Min whispered, a little tear slipping out of her eye. Be happy… truly.
She had finally been accepting of herself as a member of the show. So much she had endured to reach the places she had. So there is no way in hell this was all for him, or for nothing.
Not a chance.
But she could not lie to herself- that the idea of being with him was one of her greatest strengths she used to pull herself up and steady.
Please let her forget. Please let her be happy as she was. And if she may be so selfish… please let Kwang Soo remember what they had. So some part of it all was real.