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The last of the victims had been loaded into the ambulance and the last of the statements had been taken when Carlos crossed the barricaded area to where TK stood, repacking the equipment used to free the woman who had been trapped in her car. He approached with a smile, and leaned against the side of the rig, “Hey you.”
TK looked up and gave him a quick smile that was gone almost as soon as it had appeared, “hey.”
Carlos felt that little bit of dread in his chest start growing. He pushed it aside and refreshed his smile, making it bulletproof: “Are you free for dinner tonight? I feel like it’s been ages since we actually got to talk.”
“I don’t know, I told my dad I’d help him with some stuff.”
“Please?” Carlos pressed, leaning closer, “You’ve been so busy lately I’ve hardly seen you. I miss your face.”
TK glanced at him and gave another small smile, this one so much more genuine than the one before. “Okay,” he agreed softly, “I’ll see you tonight.”
Carlos grinned and pushed off the side of the rig, planting a quick kiss on TK’s cheek as he passed him, “Come by my place at 8,” he instructed. Then, with a wave towards the rest of the crew he was off, heading back to Mya and their cruiser. He pulled open the passenger door and climbed in, ignoring her pointed look. When his partner made no move to turn on the car or look away, he turned to her with an exasperated expression.
“What?”
“You know what.”’
“I do not know what.”
“No,” she pressed,”you do.”
She kept looking at him until he groaned and turned in his seat to face her, “just say what you need to say so we can get out of here.”
“Something’s wrong - or at least, you think it is.”
“Nothing’s wrong,” he replied hastily, “we just haven’t seen a lot of each other lately, he’s been so busy and I miss him. What,” he added defensively, “am I not allowed to miss my boyfriend?”
She didn’t look convinced, but clearly knew him well enough to know that she wasn’t going to get anymore. With a resigned sigh, she started the car. Carlos was about to breathe a sigh of relief when she spoke again, “Whatever you think is wrong, you need to talk to him about it. Waiting and assuming the worst isn’t going to solve anything.”
Carlos turned to look out the window, hiding his expression from his partner. “I know,” he said softly. There was quiet for another moment before Mya put the car in drive and they pulled away from the accident scene.
It was 8:01 and Carlos wasn’t pacing, really. It was probably nothing. It could be traffic, he could’ve lost track of time; it didn’t mean anything.
Try as he might he couldn't stop his mind from adding it to the growing list of evidence. All the evidence added up to the same thing and it was something that Carlos didn’t want to consider, not even for a moment. Not to mention the fact that it didn’t make any sense - there was no reason; at least not one Carlos could think of.
He needed TK to get here; he needed to know.
At 8:03, there was a knock on the door. Carlos pulled it open (with what he prayed was the appropriate level of eagerness) to reveal TK on the doorstep. He stepped aside with a smile to allow TK entrance. He did, stepping around Carlos, pausing only to give him a quick kiss. Once he was in Carlos shut the door and turned to look at TK. TK shifted uncomfortably, “What are you looking at?”
“You,” Carlos answered honestly. “It’s been so long since we’ve actually had time to be together for more than a few minutes I had almost forgotten what you looked like.”
TK smiled and again Carlos couldn’t help but notice it didn’t go all the way to his eyes. The feeling of dread started to creep into his mind again, and he knew Mya was right. He had to say something. He couldn’t live with this doubt.
He waited until they were settled at the table, bowls of chili and a plate of cornbread before them. He waited until the lingering tension, the feeling of foreignness began to fade. Then, he took a deep breath and asked the question that had been nagging him for weeks: “Have you been avoiding me?”
TK starts, nearly dropping his spoon back into his bowl. He looks up at Carlos quickly, very much like a deer caught in the headlights. That was answer enough. Carlos swallowed before asking the important part: “Why?”
TK was quiet for a few moments, studying his soup before he spoke again: “I was hoping that if I wasn’t around so much you might realize on your own.”
Carlos furrowed his brow as he gazed at TK, “Realize what?”
“That you deserve better .”
The answering silence stretched as Carlos stared at TK, unsure of what to say, of what had just been said. A choked, “What?” is the only response he could muster.
“I was trying to back off, letting things end slowly when you finally realized that you deserve a whole lot better than me.”
Hearing it a second time didn’t make it make any more sense. Carlos stared at TK, who was resolutely anywhere but at Carlos. As the words sank in, a wave of anger that surprised him took over.
“Don’t I get a say in this? Or are you just going to make decisions for both of us without asking for my input?”
TK shrugged, “Why bother? It’s only a matter of time before you figure out what everybody else already knows.”
Carlos was fuming now. “So you think that you just get to make this decision unilaterally?”
“Simpled like the simplest, most painless way.”
“Too bad for you, I don’t agree.”
“And why is that Carlos?” TK asked, voice acidic, “you’re not done with your ‘saving the lost puppy’ story arc?”
“No, because I love you and I think that at least entitles me to get some say in this! It is my life too, after all.”
At his words, TK softens a bit. His voice is still firm though when he speaks again, “It’s for the best Carlos, for both of us.”
Carlos is fuming. He can feel the blood rushing to his head; the pressure building inside his skull. “I’m so glad you’ve decided that, but you're wrong,” he spits out. TK tries to interrupt but Carlos barrels on: “Don’t I deserve the right to make my own choices?”
TK is silent. They lock eyes and Carlos can see his answer there. He gets up from the table abruptly, “Fuck you. I deserve to decide what is good for me, not you.”
The kitchen is practically ringing with TK’s shocked silence. Carlos doesn’t lose his temper - Carlos never swears - not like that.
They stare at each other for a few more long moments. Vaguely Carlos notes that TK’s look is full of regret, shock, and something else that he can’t quite put his finger on. Not with his pulse pounding in his veins like this.
He needs to go; he can’t be here right now. He can’t look at him - he needs to be anywhere else but here.
Without a word he crosses the kitchen to the front door which he wrenches open, slamming it shut behind him.
He walks.
He doesn’t know where; he is pretty sure he doesn’t have a specific destination in mind. He just needed to get away, get some air, take a breath.
He can’t remember the last time he had felt this much anger before. He thinks that the answer might be never.
He does know the last time he loved someone this much though - that answer is never too.
To have that just ended for no good reason, under the guise of it being all “for his own good”... didn’t sit well with him. As he walks he racks his mind, searching desperately for any time, any moment where he may have indicated that he didn’t love TK completely; any moment where he said that he loved TK with anything less than his whole heart.
He couldn’t think of any.
As he walks, his temper cools. He is able to think more coherently, to reflect. He’s still not sure exactly how they got here and as he walks, he begins to pull the pieces together in his mind. TK being distant, TK keeping himself at arm’s length. TK never saying anything, TK pulling away. That emotion that Carlos had seen clouding TK’s gaze more and more often that he had never fully been able to categorize. It was nothing he had ever seen before, not coming from TK.
He vaguely wonders how far he’s walked. He is looking around, trying to get his bearing when the realization finally hits him. He’s finally able to put a name to what he saw in TK’s eyes, in his expression that he hadn’t been able to put a name to.
It was fear.
Here he froze, coming to a halt as the horror of that realization washed over him.
TK was afraid. He was scared, and he was trying to protect himself. All the talks they had when they first got together; all the things TK admitted to him once he managed to convince him to open up came back to him. All the things TK had been through; all the struggles he still had.
He was scared .
And Carlos had been an ass.
He ran a hand down his face and sank down onto the curb. He should have known, should have been able to read the signs. He had been so blindsided, so angered at the idea that TK had been willing to throw them away that he hadn’t stopped to consider the why. Now that he had, he realized just how awful he had been; just how awful this was.
He hadn’t been fair in this. He had been scared (scared of losing this, scared of the end of something he thought might just last forever) and he had lashed out. Here they were - two people, terrified of being hurt; terrified of losing the people they loved - or terrified of being left.
What a pair they made.
He rested his elbows on his knees and put his weary face into his hands. This was a mess. From start to finish, it had been a disaster. From day one he had promised TK that he understood. He had encouraged him to open up; had encouraged him to share his thoughts and fears, his insecurities.
And then he had forgotten about them.
He had promised to be patient, to be there. Instead he had lashed out, and then left. He had even slammed the door behind him, he realized with a wince. He had made a fine mess of this. He would have to do a lot of work to salvage this (if there was anything left to be salvaged). They both would.
But even here; alone and worn, seated on the edge of a curb at god knows what time of night, Carlos had hope. He believed in this thing they had, and he was pretty sure TK did too. They would have to talk this out - there were many rational conversations to be had. But Carlos was ready to do the work, if TK was.
Then, he would be sure to make sure TK never said anything so foolish ever again. He deserved better - yeah right, Carlos scoffed to himself. He didn’t think it got a whole lot better than TK Strand.
He took a deep breath and pulled himself to his feet. He needed to get back - they had some work to do. He wasn’t letting this go without a fight.
When Carlos opened his front door, he had been ready to enact part one of his action plan. Part one involved tracking down one errant boyfriend so they could have a talk. But when he turned the corner to his living room, he froze and a smile spread across his face. Step one may not be so crucial afterall, he noted.
He took another step forward, quietly so as not to wake TK, who was curled up on the corner of his couch and sleeping. Carlos allowed himself to take a breath - if TK was here, it meant that he didn’t want out quite as much as he had made it seem earlier. He walked closer, and sank onto the couch slowly, trying his best to avoid making unnecessary noise.
He didn’t want to wake TK, who found sleep so elusive that any sleep anywhere was precious. He leaned back onto the couch cushions and sighed wearily, studying the other man. His expression was furrowed even in sleep; tension was rolling off of him like waves. Carlos shifted again, trying to find a comfortable position and despite his best efforts, TK’s eyes shot open. He looked around for the source of the noise, and relaxed when he saw Carlos.
They looked at each other in the dim light leaking through the gap in the curtains from the streetlight out front. Their gazes conveyed a hundred things they both wanted to say, but it was TK who spoke first: “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, voice rough with sleep.
Carlos nodded, “I know. I’m sorry too.”
“I love you.”
“I know that too.”
It was quiet again; the only sound the distant chiming of a church bell marking the hour. It tolled twice and Carlos glanced at his watch in surprise. He had no idea it had gotten so late. He had no idea he had been gone that long. Suddenly TK’s fitful sleep and uncomfortable position made much more sense and Carlos felt guilt flaring up. He had been gone for hours, TK had to have been worried and not willing to leave until he knew Carlos was back home safe. He sighed and stood up, offering a hand to TK.
“Come on,” he said softly, “neither of us are going to get any real sleep on this couch.”
TK looked from his outstretched hand to his face with a doubtful expression. Carlos leaned forward, taking one of TK’s hands in his own, “I’m serious, let’s go to bed.”
This talk could wait until tomorrow, he thought. They deserved some sleep.
TK nodded and allowed himself to be pulled upright and then led into the bedroom. He collapsed onto the bed and Carlos laid next to him. There was silence again and Carlos spoke, not even sure if TK was still awake enough to hear him.
“I love you too.”
“I know,” came TK’s response, soft but sure.
Carlos smiled to himself and rolled over so he was facing TK. He wrapped his arms around the other man and pulled him closer, breathing in his familiar scent. Yes, there would need to be discussions tomorrow, but for tonight those words would be enough.
Then, with the warm weight of the person he loved most in his arms, he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.