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It was after one of their choreography sessions that Hyunsuk realised he was screwed, breath having left him long ago and hair plastered to his forehead from sheer exertion.
They’d practised the routine for what had felt like the thousandth time, the members clearly feeling the fatigue set in as they broke apart. The choreographer was finally satisfied for the day, meaning they’d have their tiny amount of free time before they’d fall asleep and restart again. This was his life now; practice, comeback, promote, repeat.
Hyunsuk had perched himself along one of the benches, eyes fluttering closed as his body stretched out like a lazy cat in the sun. The rest of the team had dispersed already, Hyunsuk having heard the footsteps fade out long ago and all that filled the room was the sound of his own breathing.
He was tired; exhausted, in fact, though he tried to not let it show while the others were around. Being a pillar for the younger boys to lean on meant this was necessary. He knew sooner or later the boys may grow apart from him; developing needs that much overpower Hyunsuk’s abilities to provide, and so, he spent his time relishing what he could currently give them. However, being a pessimist, it never felt like enough.
As if timed, as his head started to burn with worries of his responsibilities, a soft hand threaded through his hair and rested on his head.
“Out of ten?” The voice was littered with a humoured tone. Jihoon.
Hyunsuk opened his eyes to find the other boy smiling down at him softly, eyes crinkled at the edges slightly.
“Six.” Hyunsuk closed his eyes again, bringing a hand up to place it on top of Jihoon’s, which was softly petting his head.
This was a thing they did, the rating of their current state of being. A ten point scale to decide whether they felt on top of the world, or whether they wanted to crawl into a hole at that current point in time. Hyunsuk currently felt okay. He’d never given a score higher than a nine before.
“You?” Hyunsuk had forgotten to ask Jihoon, too occupied with tracing circles on his hand.
Jihoon hummed, “Seven.”
The air in the room wasn’t so stuffy anymore, given there were only two bodies inside, compared to the normal abundance of teenage boys getting sweaty for long hours of the day. At some point, the soft tracing he was doing on Jihoon’s hand halted as his body started to grow drowsy.
Hyunsuk wasn’t sure if Jihoon could tell, as neither of them had continued the conversation. Instead, Jihoon had simply continued stroking Hyunsuk’s hair softly, eventually pulling Hyunsuk up so that his head could rest on his lap comfortably.
This was another thing they’d done before. It wasn’t uncommon for any of the members to be found sleeping atop of one another, invading each other’s personal space to the point where fans would start to speculate things. Hell, Hyunsuk found most of the other members doubled perfectly as human pillows, with exception of Junkyu, who was so jittery it felt like you were on a jet ski.
Of course, Hyunsuk tended to avoid speculation from the fans altogether with his strategic avoiding of Jihoon. Sometimes the company would pair them together, often in fact, given they were leaders. But when given the choice, Hyunsuk would simply avoid him, too scared that a glance a second too long would be picked up by someone.
People knew, obviously. Doyoung burst into his room one time asking why he didn’t just confess to Jihoon, having caught Hyunsuk pining over Jihoon for the fifteenth time that week, in awe over his teaser photos for their debut concept. Hyunsuk’s answer was that Jihoon didn’t like him back, wouldn’t like him back and most of all, couldn’t like him back.
They were idols, after all. Idols under a big company, with huge responsibilities and an even bigger audience critiquing their every move. He couldn’t even have a girlfriend, let alone a boyfriend. Letting go would be the easiest thing to do; the smart thing to do.
But Hyunsuk was difficult, and no genius, which meant that when he ended up passed out by the Han river at three in the morning one night, who else but Jihoon was there to come to his rescue.
There was a faint memory of a confession somewhere in the blur of things, black gaps in his memory only providing few details. Jihoon carrying him home as if he weighed nothing, tucking him into bed and whispering hushed words that Hyunsuk couldn’t remember for the life of him.
What Hyunsuk mostly knew was that he was a fucking mess, mumbling ‘sorry’ over and over until the word no longer felt like a real word. Just a weird sound that kept repeating from his lips. If he’d said anything much about the fact that he thought Jihoon had hung the stars in the sky, the other boy hadn’t ever brought it up in the months since.
-
When Hyunsuk opened his eyes groggily, Jihoon was still there, mouth agape slightly as he too had fallen asleep. Hyunsuk tore his eyes away from Jihoon’s face reluctantly, pulling out his phone to check the time.
12:01am.
“Shit.” Hyunsuk cursed, sitting up carefully and turning around to nudge Jihoon. They’d have to get back to the dorm to sleep on an actual surface or else they’d be doomed for practice in the morning.
Jihoon pouted, blinking one eye open at Hyunsuk before sighing and closing it again.
“It’s midnight.” Hyunsuk nudged him again, “We should get back to the dorm.”
“You go.” Jihoon kept his eyes closed, breathing having slowed down again to the point where it was evident he was about to fall back asleep.
Hyunsuk stood up, contemplating leaving him, before hooking one hand around his waist, one under his legs and pulling him up off of the bench. Much to Jihoon’s dismay, he wasn’t particularly heavy, meaning Hyunsuk was walking the pair out of the practice room within a matter of seconds.
“Put me down, idiot.” Jihoon hit him on the arm, prompting Hyunsuk to pretend to drop him.
He released his hold, letting Jihoon fall a few centimetres before catching him again. Jihoon didn’t find this nearly as funny as him, yelling complaints until Hyunsuk put him back on his feet just to get him to shut up.
“That wasn’t nearly as easy as you carrying me.” Hyunsuk joked, brushing himself off as his shirt had become crinkled in the encounter.
“Yeah well, you were drunk. And too busy running your mouth to try protest.” Jihoon was walking ahead now, leaving no time for Hyunsuk to catch up.
It was raining outside when Hyunsuk pushed the front doors open, Jihoon was standing in a sheltered area talking on his phone to what Hyunsuk assumed was the taxi company. No cars would be around to take them this early in the morning, all the managers having gone home hours prior.
As Hyunsuk kicked his foot through a puddle lightly, the forefront of his mind was occupied with worries about how much he had potentially said that night Jihoon had carried him home. Maybe the ‘running your mouth’ was referring to the numerous apologies Hyunsuk had made. If not, he really could have said anything and would never be able to recover the memory from his mind.
Neither of them had talked about it. Neither of them had even been alone since then, meaning talking about it wasn’t exactly an option, unless they wanted an audience.
“Taxi will be here in five.” Jihoon’s voice made Hyunsuk jump, eyes wide as Jihoon just raised an eyebrow at him.
“Cool.” Hyunsuk chuckled awkwardly, trying, and failing to mask any awkwardness that was radiating in the air.
To be fair, Hyunsuk wasn’t acting nearly half as awkward as he could have been. He liked Jihoon, he really fucking liked Jihoon, and if he started to think about all of the reasons why, he probably wouldn’t even be able to hold a conversation with the guy
For starters, and potentially the most obvious factor was that Jihoon was a good looking guy. He was tall, unfairly well proportioned and towered over Hyunsuk in a way that made him feel like curling up into a tiny ball.
Jihoon also had this way of making you feel like you were the only person that mattered at that current point in time. Although a lot of that came with incessant teasing and becoming the punchline of Jihoon’s jokes, but once again, that was just another thing that Hyunsuk found endearing.
So here’s Hyunsuk, small, shy, kind (according to others) and definitely no brainiac, stood next to Jihoon. Jihoon who not only physically, but mentally towers over Hyunsuk and unintentionally makes him feel three feet tall. Hyunsuk wasn’t aware that lisps and being good at trivia were things that could be attractive and yet, here he is, pining over someone who possessed these things.
Unfortunately, if he started to think too hard, he’d go down a spiral of self comparison and weighing his own inadequacy. Therefore he found it best to try and ignore everything previously listed. Though of course he rarely did.
A hand grabbing his arm and pulling him aside stopped him from pondering too long. He yelped, Jihoon pulling him demandingly towards him.
“You’re going to get hypothermia.” Jihoon scolded him. Hyunsuk had hardly realised he was standing out in the rain, body feeling like it was on autopilot ever since Jihoon had brought up their drunk encounter.
Hyunsuk’s breath hitched in his throat as Jihoon brushed, or extracted, the wet hair plastered onto Hyunsuk’s forehead off of his face. Hyunsuk just looked at the ground, desperate to avoid meeting Jihoon’s eyes, which he knew were looking at him.
Naturally, he failed within seconds, looking up and locking eyes with Jihoon, who just scoffed and pulled Hyunsuk into an embrace.
“Carrying you home, tucking you in, warming you up to save you from hypothermia.. who’s the older one here?” There was no hint of annoyance in his voice, although he tried to mask it as such.
Hyunsuk just muttered a ‘sorry’ as he snaked his hands around Jihoon’s waist. He was shivering now, the water having soaked through his clothes, but no amount of wet clothing could lessen the burning he felt everywhere that he and Jihoon were touching. It was enough to convince at least his brain that he wasn’t frozen to the bone.
They stayed like that for a while, the rain making the silence slightly less awkward as neither of them said a word.
“Has it been five minutes?” Hyunsuk mumbled against Jihoon’s shoulder, earning a laugh from Jihoon.
“It’s been ten.”
Somewhere along the line it had stopped raining, leaving the sounds of the city to instead ring in the air, instead of the constant hissing of water. Hyunsuk hadn’t let go of Jihoon, despite warming up minutes prior, and Jihoon must have noticed that Hyunsuk was no longer shivering. Despite this, Jihoon kept his grip on Hyunsuk, tracing light circles on his back with a flat palm.
“Thank you.” Hyunsuk spoke into the night, quietly hoping the words would carry off into the wind and disappear. He wasn’t sure what he was thanking him for, to be frank. But the statement was on his tongue.
“We can’t continue promotions if a leader freezes to death.” Jihoon sounded nonchalant. Hyunsuk tried to ignore the overbearing thought that perhaps Jihoon cared for him the way he cared for every other member.
It wouldn’t be so bad. At least Jihoon would care for him at all, but he couldn’t help but feeling jarred at the possibility.
Hyunsuk didn’t treat Jihoon like every other member. Jihoon had complained as such on national television once, mentioning Hyunsuk’s lack of care as being attributed to their closeness in age. Truthfully, Hyunsuk was afraid of getting too close. And maybe, deep down, he liked the idea of Jihoon being out of his hands. Jihoon being the one to care for him at times, carrying him home and cooking him meals.
Hyunsuk had always felt less than Jihoon. Of course, he wasn’t. He was older, more experienced in many fields and generally well liked by the general public. The company pushed Hyunsuk to the forefront for this reason.
But Jihoon was Jihoon, tall and intelligent and the victim of Hyunsuk’s pathetic crushing and so, the pedestal Hyunsuk had put him on was unable to be lowered.
“I’m sorry.” The words came out before Hyunsuk could stop himself, too busy feeling guilty to care.
Jihoon pulled away to look down at him, “Why are you apologising? You’ve done far more inconvenient things than get drenched in the rain.”
Hyunsuk just stared at him, unsure of how to respond to the jab. The smile on Jihoon’s face faded as he read the room, hitting Hyunsuk on the arm lightly.
“What’s up with you?”
“What did I say to you, that night?” Hyunsuk ignored Jihoon’s question, staring at his own feet to once again, avoid Jihoon’s eyes.
“Do you really want to know?” Jihoon queried, as if he had something to hide. In which case, Hyunsuk definitely wanted to know.
“Yes.”
He didn’t want to know. He really, really didn’t want to know. But he had to. It had been eating away at his insides for so long that at this point, it was a necessity rather than a want. He needed to know.
Jihoon sighed, leaning against the wall, “‘Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I’m so sorry. Sorry, sorry.’”
Hyunsuk nodded awkwardly, “Okay, I get it-“
Jihoon cut him off, “‘I apologise. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. Why are you doing this to me? I’m sorry, sorry, so sorry. That stupid mole under your eye is so distracting, why does it have to be heart shaped? Sorry, sorry. I’m about to throw up. Sorry. I think I fell in love with you at some point along the line. Sorry, my bad.’”
Hyunsuk just looked at Jihoon in horror, words not even coming out of his now dried up throat. He was fairly sure if he tried to say anything, it would come out sounding like a creature you’d find in a zoo. He looked for any sign on Jihoon’s face that he was joking and found none.
“Then you fell asleep so...” Jihoon gnawed on his bottom lip, breathing a laugh out of his nose as he looked Hyunsuk up and down.
The only thing running through Hyunsuk’s mind was a prayer on repeat, the words being:
Heavenly father, I will pay you to make me get hit by a truck right now. Take me out. Please.
Alas, no such truck came soaring through the YG building, so Hyunsuk was left to face Jihoon.
“People say things when they’re drunk...” Hyunsuk wanted to slap himself, but his mouth was once again on autopilot, “I’m pretty sure I tried to hit on a door at a party once, and I could walk on that night so...”
Jihoon let out a low laugh, nodding his head repeatedly, “So that’s how this is going to go down.”
“What?”
Right as the word left his mouth, the corner they were stood in was lit up with the headlights from a dingy yellow vehicle that had pulled up alongside them. Jihoon left no time before climbing in the passenger seat, leaving Hyunsuk to hurriedly climb into the back alone.
The driver was talkative, Jihoon holding a conversation with him casually, as if absolutely nothing had just happened. It was almost embarrassing how he could operate in situations where Hyunsuk’s brain completely short-circuited.
It was safe to say the drive was awkward, Hyunsuk would make occasional eye contact with the driver in the rear vision mirror, but he didn’t take part in the conversation whatsoever.
When the taxi finally came to a halt, Hyunsuk scrambled out of the car as if a gun was pressed against his head and practically flew into the building at light speed. Jihoon, who religiously took the elevator, would be lagging behind for this reason, so as soon as he was out of sight, Hyunsuk ran up the stairs until his lungs were climbing out of his throat.
He stopped once he’d reached their floor, resting against the wall for a second to catch his breath, before stepping out into the corridor. Naturally, as the universe appeared to despise him, he quite literally walked into Jihoon, who was mere metres away and focused on his phone screen intently.
Hyunsuk had closed the door to the staircase by now, meaning he couldn’t just step backwards and hide, instead, he just stood still like an absolute idiot, hoping that maybe Jihoon wouldn’t see his grown ass standing right beside him.
Jihoon stopped in his tracks as if he were a cartoon character, looking from Hyunsuk, to the stairs and back to Hyunsuk.
“Did you run?”
Hyunsuk nodded, too tired to even try to pretend he didn’t just waste 90% of his energy supply.
“Has anyone every told you you’re weird?” Jihoon folded his arms, mouth in a straight line.
“I think... I’m only this weird around you.” It was the most honest Hyunsuk had been the entire night. And yet, it didn’t feel relieving. No weight was lifted off of his chest and instead Jihoon just stepped closer to him, caging him against the wall.
There was enough room to run. Everything in Hyunsuk’s mind was yelling run motherfucker, but Hyunsuk simply stood still, staring up at the boy in front of him.
“Hyunsuk. I know you like me.” He sounded confident, as he should. If he thought about himself half as highly as Hyunsuk thought of him, his ego should be astronomical levels of high.
“I-“ Hyunsuk started, but Jihoon cut him off. He had a habit of doing that, which was only now turning out to be quite irritating.
“Don’t deny it.” He sighed, “Don’t treat me like an idiot.”
“I don’t think I could treat you like an idiot.” It was once again true. Hyunsuk didn’t think it was possible to outwit Jihoon anyway.
“I’m going to kiss you.” Jihoon said softly, tilting Hyunsuk’s chin upwards so the pair were looking at one another, “Feel free to push me away.”
It felt like a prank. Hyunsuk waited for the other members to jump out and yell, the staff coming out from around the corner with their bulky cameras and laughing. He wasn’t sure exactly what type of prank this could ever be aired as, but it seemed far more plausible than the likelihood that Jihoon was actually fucking leaning in right now.
When their lips connected, no such commotion occurred, and so Hyunsuk finally allowed his eyes to close, gripping the front of Jihoon’s shirt desperately as they pressed against one another. It was hot, strictly temperature wise. Jihoon was like a warm cup of cocoa and Hyunsuk was drinking all of it up.
It was also fleeting. One minute Jihoon was pressing his tongue into Hyunsuk’s mouth and the next he was pulling away, pulling Hyunsuk into a hug. Hyunsuk wasn’t sure why they were hugging in the manky hallway of their apartment building, but if it meant avoiding facing Jihoon after that, he was fine with it.
“I’ve wanted to do that for a while.” Jihoon whispered against his ear. Contentment would describe his tone of voice.
“You don’t have to say that.” Hyunsuk laughed, mostly because the breathing against his ear tickled. But partially because he was all but convinced that this was a very one sided affair.
Jihoon cupped Hyunsuk’s face in his hands and frowned at him, “Are you an idiot? Answer honestly.”
“I think so.”
“I think you aren’t. So you should stop being an idiot. Hm?” To this Hyunsuk just nodded.
Never mind the fact that Jihoon wasn’t even born in the same year as him, something was nice about having the younger man treat him carefully. He hoped he’d never have to admit it to anyone, although it was probably painfully obvious.
“Doyoung told me to ask you out.” Hyunsuk giggled, clapping a hand over his mouth at the sound.
Jihoon smiled prettily, “My wingman.”
“Your wingman? I told him I liked you!” Hyunsuk thought about what he would do when he got his hands on that traitorous child, when Jihoon tugged his ear lightly.
“Hey, he didn’t tell me anything.” Hyunsuk let out a sigh. Doyoung was safe, for now. “He didn’t need to.”
Hyunsuk covered his face with his hands and groaned, “Subtlety isn’t a strength of mine.”
“Wouldn’t have guessed.” Hyunsuk peeked through his hands to find Jihoon smiling at him fondly.
“Can we go inside now.” His voice came out small, instinctively, as he always felt small around Jihoon.
Before Hyunsuk could contest, Jihoon picked him up like a rag doll and carried him down the hallway bridal style. They were both laughing, but it felt different to the way they normally were around one another.
Of course, not everything was solved. They’d have to talk, sometime, when they had time. This was probably more likely to cause more problems than a simple crush, but that wasn’t on either of their minds.
As Jihoon skipped down the hallway funnily, smile so bright the hallway lights really served no purpose in comparison, Hyunsuk knew that in that moment, everything was okay.