Chapter Text
Soulmarks are bullshit.
The revelation comes to Yeonjun at three in the morning after Soobin has snuck into his pantry and eaten the last fucking tootsie roll — which, rude, this is Yeonjun's house not a charity — wide eyed and open mouthed like he didn't just swallow Yeonjun's would-have-been breakfast.
Yeonjun stares at the rose, dim under all that concealer dusted on his wrist, and glares at the vague outline like it's the source of all his problems.
And in a way, it is.
"What in the holiest fuck are you doing in my kitchen at ass o'clock in the morning, Soobin."
It's not so much a question as it is an accusation, and if Yeonjun wasn't so busy mourning the loss of his last tootsie roll, he'd be laughing at the downright horrified look on his best friend's face.
Soobin has the audacity to get on his knees, begging for forgiveness like it'll magically give Yeonjun his tootsie roll back from the unexplored depths of his stomach.
"Get up you absolute dumbass, and for fuck's sake stop raiding my kitchen."
Soobin smiles sheepishly, and Yeonjun sighs. "Go back to bed." He says sternly, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "And don't get up again unless its, like, to take a piss or a massive shit."
Soobin slinks away, muttering a "that's so gross hyung." under his breath. Yeonjun responds by throwing an apple at him, and Soobin dashes down the corridor. Fucking hell.
He curses the fact that his soulmate is a cute, idiotic, glutton that just shebanged Yeonjun's food down the vortex of his stomach. And god, why isn't Yeonjun more pissed about it?
Right. Because Soobin is his soulmate and Yeonjun, like an idiot, fell in love with him.
And fuck.
Yeonjun really does hate soulmarks.
But when he looks around the kitchen, and imagines what it would be like without Soobin here to nag at him everytime he fails a test or misses cheer practice, he feels a pang.
(Some would call it love. Yeonjun calls it foolishness.)
And the best part? Soobin doesn't know Yeonjun is his soulmate.
Because, like the fucking coward he is, Yeonjun never told him. Yeah, yeah, Yeonjun you shameful little gay boy, how could you? He knows — he's been lectured— and it doesn't change anything.
Yeonjun will not tell him. Because how do you go up to your best friend of fifteen years and say, hey cutie I know we've been friends since forever and you're crushing massively on that cute mickey d's cashier but I just wanna say ... you're my long lost soulmate!!
He can't. And if he hears one more lecture from Beomgyu about how the future is unknown and Jesus didn't get crucified for this he will commit arson. And god knows Yeonjun isn't lying.
So he'll just stare as Soobin flirts with the cute, young cashier at Mcdonald's and watch as the cute, young cashier flirts back and will tell Soobin to just ask him out already and will listen as Soobin rants about his beautiful smile and no I can't--
Because that's what best friends do.
And Yeonjun is nothing if not a good best friend.
(Count to three, tennessee. That's it.)
Yeonjun coughs out his first petal two days after their sleepover.
It hurts. Like a bitch.
Thorns scrape his throat, and his head throbs and finally the bud comes out. Along with the leaves and the stem and, fuck it's covered in blood--
Yeonjun retches, and all he can think about is how maybe he's being too selfish.
He vomits and he vomits and all he thinks about is Soobin and his stupidly handsome face.
That night, Yeonjun dreams of a castle with a dragon.
Except the prince doesn't get the princess.
"What the fuck are you doing knocking on my window at," Yeonjun glances at the clock hanging above his bed. The time on display makes Yeonjun want to tear his hair out. "Three in the fucking morning?" He hisses, arms crossed over his chest.
Soobin laughs, a carefree, happy thing that makes Yeonjun take a second look at him. Cheeks flushed from the long run, bright eyes starry with a lovesick look, a huge smile on his lips. And Yeonjun just knows. He swallows, tasting something bitter on his tongue.
Maybe it's the words he blurts out afterwards that taste of sorrow, "You asked him out, didn't you?"
Or maybe it's his heart breaking in two.
Soobin laughs again, his head peeking through the window to look around Yeonjun's dark room. "Your parents aren't here right?" He asks eagerly, his puppy dog eyes begging Yeonjun to listen to more of his loving rambles about Kai and his beautiful eyes, or his amazing cooking and Yeonjun just can't —
"Sorry, I can't," he echoes flatly. "I'm busy."
Soobin gapes at him for a few seconds, then closes his mouth and frowns. "Clearly." He says sarcastically, looking pointedly at the messy bed and empty desk.
Yeonjun swallows again, digs his heel into the ground and bites his tongue so it can't betray him because god damn you coward just tell him. He drops his eyes to the ground, and blinks back the tears.
"Look I just— I'm tired and— please Soobin."
Silence.
And then, "alright." Soobin says softly. "Just... call me when you feel better, okay?"
Yeonjun nods, already knowing that he won't. Because Soobin deserves his cute dates and his lovely smiles and Yeonjun just can't take that away from him.
So he nods and smiles and fades into the background of Soobin's life.
Because he's a good best friend.
He ignores the little whisper in his mind that says, 'being his best friend doesn't mean giving up everything just for him to be happy' and mentally pats the voice that reassures him, 'but that's love for you.'
Yeonjun hates himself. Yeonjun hates soulmarks. Yeonjun hates Soobin and he hates that cute cashier that goes by the name of Huening Kai.
Sometimes, Yeonjun really wonders if his heart isn't black.
But then — he reminds himself. It can't be black if he still has enough energy left to love Soobin. It can't be, if all he ever feels is the thorns tearing him apart from the inside out because of his feelings. Because. Because Yeonjun is a fool.
And oh, Yeonjun is tired. Tired of loving someone who will never love him back. Tired of pretending like every missed chance doesn't feel like a dagger through his chest.
But he smiles. Because that's what people expect of Choi Yeonjun.
Because that's what Soobin expects of Choi Yeonjun.
Yeonjun has had his mark since he can remember.
When he was five, he was young and impressionable. Ooh-ing and Aah-ing at the love filled fairytale his parents spun of their first meeting. He'd look at them, and his little kid mouth would blurt out, "Will I have a soulmate?"
His parents would chuckle, look at each other, and hold his tiny pinky in theirs. "We promise, you will."
When he met Soobin, a lonely boy playing in the sandbox in the school playground, he felt an itching on his wrist. He thought nothing of it, until four year old Soobin pointed it out with a giggle. "I like your drawing! Did you do it?"
Lo and behold, a rose, bright pink with soft looking petals and little thorns poking out from the stem, printed on his wrist. He'd gaped at it, completely astonished at how such a pretty thing looking so perfect had just appeared out of nowhere and was now stamped on his wrist.
He'd glanced at Soobin, had seen the same rose poking out from his neck, and decided to keep that tidbit of information to himself. Later, he would ask his parents what exactly was going on, why he and Soobin had the same drawing on different parts of each other.
"He's your soulmate Yeonjun. But don't tell him just yet. Let it be a surprise."
And he'd hidden it under long sleeves and oversized sweaters, under bandaids carefully placed and bandages wrapped around his wrist until he finally learned about the wonder called concealer.
(Coincidentally he'd learned about eyeshadow and mascara and thousands of others things that everyone called makeup. And Yeonjun had started wearing it because fuck gender stereotypes.)
So Yeonjun was Soobin's woefully, miserable, gorgeous soulmate.
And Soobin had no idea.
(Tough luck.)
He'd hidden it and now it was too late and fuck now that he's getting coffee he see the cashier and Soobin flirting again —
"Hey, hyung!"
Yeonjun turns, forcing his feet to shuffle away from the door (his only fucking escape) and towards Soobin and cashier baby. He plasters a totally not fake smile on his lips and greets cashier baby with a simple, "hello."
Cashier baby's eyes go wide, and Yeonjun raises an eyebrow. He imagines himself as elegant, graceful, completely nonchalant.
Imagination is a gift.
"Wow, um, hi! You're binnie hyung's best friend, huh?"
binnie hyung.
Yeonjun forces a chuckle, feeling desperate enough to start running. Feeling like he might break into two if he doesn't stop torturing himself this way. His chest tightens with a familiar pressure. Yeonjun fights not to cough.
"Yeah." He says curtly. He catches the way Soobin narrows his eyes, and tries for a friendly smile. "And you're the boy he keeps ranting to me about at four in the morning, huh?" He teases.
Kai flushes, and Yeonjun feels terrible. Because really, he can see the appeal. Kai is innocent — pure and untouched even as he works in a shithole of a place. He's bright and cheery and oh shit fuck mary mother of jesus —
He's like a younger version of Yeonjun.
The coffee threatens to come back up and it's all Yeonjun can do to not run out of there like his sweater's on fire.
But it's okay.
He'll get over it.
(No he won't.)
Yeonjun bitterly replays the mistakes of his youth again and again in his mind, an agonized laugh tearing itself from his throat as he coughs out a fully bloomed rose.
The irony. The fucking irony.
The universe likes to fuck with Yeonjun, truly.
Because this is just sick.
Sleepovers are a bitch.
"... hey Soobin?"
Soobin turns to face him, his face pale in the moonlight, and Yeonjun forgets to breathe for a second.
"Hyung?"
Yeonjun flushes, and Soobin laughs quietly, glancing at the door and waiting for someone to bust in and warn them that if you guys don't sleep right now I swear I'll drop you both in a cage full of tigers and you'll see what it's like to be responsible then --
"Sorry." Yeonjun whispers. "It's just..." He pauses, eyes searching Soobin's face for something he doesn't find.
"Do you... ever wonder who your soulmate is?"
Soobin stills, his smile fading as he sighs and shrugs, his eyes darker — unhappy. "Not really." He says uncaringly. "I mean, who's to say they'll even like me?" He makes a wild gesture with his hands and Yeonjun's mind briefly goes to the gutter before Soobin clarifies. "What if they're a psycho killer chainsaw madman?"
Yeonjun snorts -- he can't help it. Soobin glares at him for a second before busting into laughter, and the tense moment melts into something Yeonjun will forever treasure, a soft thing that makes Yeonjun wonder if the universe likes to tease him, showing him what could be and wiping it away in the blink of an eye.
"But," Soobin continues like the laugh and soft smiles never happened. Like Yeonjun won't examine every part of that wonderful moment and replay every piece of it until he nearly goes insane. "No. I don't care who my soulmate is. I've already got a wonderful boyfriend, anyways. No soulmate will change that."
Yeonjun nods and smiles and congratulates him because that's what best friends do.
That's what soulmates do.
He listens to Soobin rant about everything and nothing, his voice barely a murmur in the dark night. Listens as his breathing evens out and his chest rises and falls in a paced pattern. His mouth falls open a little, just enough for little puffs of air to be heard once in a while.
Yeonjun's eyes blur with held back tears, with wanting and longing and pure pain that Soobin doesn't deserve to see. Soobin deserves good things that won't marr him like they've affected Yeonjun. That won't gve him nightmares that make him shiver in fear and cry out for a monster that isn't there.
For a brief second, Yeonjun imagines that he and Soobin are together and they don't face pain and Yeonjun never met the cute cashier baby and --
Yeonjun swallows. "I'm sorry." He whispers, landing a light kiss to Soobin's cheek.
"I'm sorry I got in the way."
A few moments later, a bloodied petal falls on his lap.
Thursday nights are supposed to be best friend nights. Just two guys, chilling in a hot tub, five feet apart 'cause they're not gay.
Kai was never supposed to be a part of the equation.
But then again, Yeonjun reminds himself, love makes people do all kinds of crazy things. Like coincidentally choosing not to tell your soulmate he's your soulmate for years and suffering in silence while he falls in love with a cute highschooler--
But that's for another day.
Today, Yeonjun is determined to have fun.
He meets the couple at the indoor pool that somehow (Yeonjun's afraid to ask) Soobin has access to. It's freaky clean, and Yeonjun is practically drooling as he dances around the edges, eager to get in.
Soobin seems amused, and he rolls his eyes when Yeonjun turns around to look at him, eyes wide and bright and filled with a pleading look that lesser men have fallen prey to. "Get in." Soobin says in an exhale of a breath. "Before you piss yourself in excitement."
Yeonjun grins deviously, and Kai laughs as he throws himself in with a cry of pleasure. "Oh my god Soobin bless your virgin mary heart. I love you." He swims around with a grin on his lips, unaware of the way Soobin freezes, his eyes widening.
Because words hold meaning, and being cautious has never crossed Yeonjun's mind.
And Soobin is one hell of a sentimental bitch.
Yeonjun dunks himself in the water, resurfacing a few moments later with his bubblegum pink hair dripping, edges stuck to Yeonjun's back and shoulders. "Bless you Soobin." He sighs out.
Soobin flashes him a smile, and Kai shuffles uncertainly as he follows Soobin to the edge, both of them easing into the water like it's infested with sharks or something. Honestly. They're taller than Yeonjun, practically giants, and scared of a little water.
Yeonjun suddenly remembers -- Soobin can't swim.
And then... nothing.
Because Kai has just fucking pushed Soobin away from the edge of the pool and Soobin can't fucking swim and oh god did that idiot not tell his boyfriend...?
Yeonjun lunges for him, helping him towards the edge again as Soobin hacks out water, inhaling air gratefully. And Kai his frozen on his spot, his eyes wide wide wide like a deer's and his mouth gaping. Yeonjun nearly snaps at him because look what you did you idiot but he reigns in his temper.
Soobin would not appreciate Yeonjun yelling at his boyfriend.
So they swim and play and Soobin smiles and laughs, and Yeonjun pretends like it never happened.
But it eats at him.
Because if Yeonjun was Soobin's boyfriend, he'd take care of him. He'd do everything to keep him safe and make him happy.
But he's not Soobin's boyfriend.
So he stays quiet.
And after, when he's alone in his own bathroom, head bent over the toilet bowl, he coughs and coughs and can't stop--
He sits there, on the floor, as the petals amount on the toilet. Overflowing. Yeonjun laughs bitterly, drowning in the soft, perfumed petals of his own love.
Yeonjun has always been masochist, anyways.
They've broken up.
Soobin knocks at his window at three am, yet again, and Yeonjun feels weak enough to just let him in. Soobin doesn't cry, doesn't even tear up.
He thumbs through a copy of Junie B. Jones and says casually, "I broke up with Kai." Like he'd just finished making cookies for his grandma. Yeonjun's head snaps up and he's grateful for the darkness because he really doesn't want Soobin to see the excited flush spreading across his cheeks.
"Why?" He asks wearily.
Soobin shrugs, and in that tiny, tense movement, Yeonjun catches the hurt and disappointment Soobin is trying so hard to hide. Yeonjun wonders why Soobin is hiding it, why he won't let Yeonjun see what he really feels.
They are best friends... aren't they?
"It just," Soobin maies a vague motion with his hand that Yeonjun thinks is scissors making a cut but he isn't really sure in the darkness. "It didn't work out."
Yeonjun nods, laying a hand solemnly on Soobin's shoulder. "Okay bunny," He says wryly. "Now cut the crap and tell me what the fuck happened."
Soobin's lower lip trembles for a second, and Yeonjun briefly wonders if it was the wrong thing to say when--
"He likes someone else." Soobin blurts out.
The silence is unnerving for a few seconds, and then Soobin laughs. Fake, bright, horrible. A sick feeling starts in Yeonjun's stomach.
"I thought he genuinely liked me y'know? But it turns out he's just trying to get over this other guy and really I don't know what I expected because of course a cute guy like that would have his heart taken by someone else. Someone better than me and—"
Yeonjun slaps a hand over Soobin's mouth, silencing him. "And," Yeonjun murmurs lowly. "Someone who isn't as caring and wonderful as you. Someone who doesn't notice the little details about a person and someone who doesn't get to know a person like you do."
Yeonun drops his hand, surprised to find his own eyes filled with tears. "Someone who isn't as good as you."
Soobin stares at him, his eyes bright, his cheeks flushed, a look of sickly new adoration etched over his features.
His eyes flick towards Yeonjun's hand, and the flush fades, his eyes widening in surprise.
"Hyung."
Soobin grabs his wrist, turning it over to stare at the pretty pink rose printed onto Yeonjun's skin.
"That's— that's my mark."