Chapter Text
“No! She wouldn’t! No girl would go and do a thing like that!” Ron exclaimed with the desperation of a man whose world was crumbling around him.
“What’s so hard to believe?!” Fred shot back, visibly affronted.
Hermione sighed, shaking her head and burying her face further in the Daily Prophet, which Ron had been reading over her shoulder not two seconds ago. “Boys…”
It had all begun with the twins managing mischief, as most notable things did. They’d decided to start that morning by poking fun at Ron, giving him a healthy side of discomfort with his toast and eggs. Unfortunately, things had turned very personal very quickly.
“Yeah,” George huffed, disgruntled stance matching his twin’s as he glared indignantly down at Ron from across the table. They hadn’t sat down yet and seemed opposed to the idea. It was beginning to draw attention from the table behind. “If Lavender can go and snog a twat like you, anything’s possible.”
“That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about!”
“I rather think [Y/N] has a bit more sense than Lavender does,” Hermione added coolly, gaze souring as her eyes scanned the same spot a few times over, obviously not absorbing a word.
Both Parvati and Ron shot the newspaper angry looks. The twins simply scoffed, hands pressed to their hearts.
“You wound us, Hermione.”
“Such scalding remarks.”
“Really, the disrespect.”
“Implying that we are a less sensible choice than Ronald.”
“The nerve.”
“Well you didn’t “snog” [Y/N] and that’s that,” Hermione stated, looking up from the paper to scan their faces in a decidedly cool way that said, “I’m correct so don’t press it.”
And it just so happened that she was. Fred and George had voiced the possibility (read: had spouted a fountain of bullshit) upon arriving at breakfast that you had kissed them - both of them - and had continued on to specify that you had very much enjoyed it. And, upon discovering that the general populous found their suggestion (blatant and thorough lie) everything from unbelievable to downright repulsive, had become quite offended.
“Hold on, who’s snoggin’ who?” Seamus asked, looking to Parvati for interpretation while Dean observed a sickly Ron with equal parts disgust and amusement.
“[Y/N] and me,” the twins informed in a tone that conveyed quite genuinely that the alleged kissing was old news and Dean and Seamus needed to catch up.
Dean rolled his eyes, waving them off and going back to buttering his biscuit. “Come off it.”
“Morning!”
The entire cluster of fourth and sixth years, including Hermione, looked up at the sound of your voice. Even Harry was perceptive enough to follow their gazes before his eyes fell back to scanning The Prophet for any mention of himself.
You blinked, eyes flicking over the group which had fixed its attention so suddenly and undividedly on you. You cleared your throat, raising a brow at George, then Fred, then the red-faced Ron. “...Something happen?”
“Fred and George say-”
“We snogged, right?” Fred cut in, tone and expression the picture of casual and unconcerned.
Without missing a beat you responded:
“Oh yeah, loads of times.”
The entire table went ballistic. Such exclamations as “What?!” and “You wouldn’t!” and “Them?! [Y/N], have you lost your mind?!” could be heard, all from Ron, while the rest deflated as if they’d lost a bet.
The rest, all except Hermione. “Really?” she asked slowly, attention returned to the paper as she flipped a page and took in the headline. The twins held their breath and you now being the accessory to their innocent suggestion did the same. “Because I could have sworn George said it only happened once.”
George opened his mouth to defend his first lie with a presumably better one but you beat him to it.
“Loads of times in quick succession,” you excused casually, taking a seat across from Hermione and raising a challenging brow. “You know how it is when things get hot and heavy.”
“Or do you?” Parvati muttered, shooting Hermione a glare that she smugly ignored.
“Whatever you say,” Hermione hummed, taking a bite of porridge before excusing herself from the conversation with the turning of another page.
Harry, on the other hand, looked up from the paper Hermione was holding - satisfied that there was no mention of him, Skeeter-related or otherwise - and furrowed a brow. “Wait...sorry, what’ve I missed?”
“Fred and George snogged [Y/N],” Ron groaned into his arms, voice and shoulders sagging with woe and defeat.
Harry’s brows shot up and he looked from you to Ron to the twins and back. “What?”
“I snogged them,” you repeated, now just as committed to defending your pride as the twins were. Your eyes narrowed and you barely concealed a smirk. “With tongue.”
Ron choked on a bit of scrambled egg. Harry simply looked affronted.
“But- But they’re twins!”
“The more the merrier.”
“Don’t you find it...odd?”
You shrugged. “Come on, Harry. You can’t tell me you haven’t had that fantasy.”
Before Harry could respond, which wasn’t saying a lot since he looked too embarrassed to push a word out, you felt Fred and George flank you on the bench, moving as they broke quite possibly the longest quiet streak of their lives.
“'That fantasy?!'”
“Are we just a fetish to you?!”
“Merlin, [Y/N], I thought better of you.”
“But I guess you were just in it for a scandal.”
“Scarlet woman.”
You couldn’t help but grin, the amusement in their tones infecting you. “Sorry, boys, it’s truly all about the taboo for me, nothing more.”
Ron gagged very loudly and violently. His undigested beans were throwing a fit.
The twins only scoffed and you could feel them jostling with mirth. Fred nudged you, grin filled to the brim with mischief. “That’s not what you were saying last night.”
Ron shot to his feet amidst a chorus of groans, hand flying to his mouth as he lurched a little. “Toilet,” he managed, hurrying towards the exit. He sped right past a bewildered Lavender, who halted to gaze after him. The perplexed “Ronny-Poo?” that somehow carried all the way to your end of the table brought you empathy for Ron’s condition in the form of a repulsed shiver.
Hermione wasn’t nearly as affected. On the contrary, she only bothered to look up so that she could shift herself over before Lavender took Ron’s vacated seat, earning a cold glare from both her victim and Parvati. She paid it no mind. “Oh really now. First you kissed once, then several times, now you’ve had-”
“Shagged,” Harry broke in, ever the pillar of maturity.
“Had sex,” Hermione persisted, rolling her eyes as a shudder sounded from beside her. “For God’s sake, Harry, it’s not You-Know-Who’s name, it’s a perfectly natural-”
“Fine!” George interrupted, face falling in defeat as he leaned back a little. “If it’ll get you off this bloody topic yeah, we may have bent the truth a little bit.”
“But not much,” you added quickly, raising a brow. “Snogged several times, final answer.” If you knew anything it was how to lash yourself to a sinking ship.
“Several glorious times,” Fred added, joining you in your quest to keep the lie going for as long as you could.
“Truly mindboggling experience. Dream come true.” George slung an arm around your shoulder as he spoke and you all gazed challengingly at Hermione, a united front.
Hermione looked the three of you over, visibly battling with the urge to win out and the knowledge that arguing just provoked more foolishness. Finally, she conceded, standing up. “Of course it was. I have to go to Arithmancy but I’ll be excited to hear about who’s taking you to the Yule Ball, [Y/N]. Assuming you’ve already worked that out.” With one last look of smug triumph, she strolled off.
You blinked, staring after her, and a blush began to creep up your neck to your cheeks. A genius, that Hermione. Underestimating her capacity for evil had been your downfall. You were crammed between your best friends, to identical and identically attractive suitors who you hadn’t even kissed, and that last detail had been getting kind of fuzzy the more you insisted on its legitimacy. You had the potential to hurt some real feelings.
Fred raised a brow, leaning forward a little to guide your gaze away from Hermione. “It’s a good question.”
George shot him a serious look, as rare as it was cute. Bail. It came too late, however. The damage was done.
“Yeah, [Y/N], which one are you taking?” Seamus called over, invested once more.
“I, uh…” You cleared your throat, dragging your embarrassed stare away from Fred’s tie and glancing around. God, which one indeed. They were both so outgoing, so clever, so funny, and their subtle differences only endeared you to each one. George’s unintelligible handwriting that even he couldn’t decipher, Fred’s uncanny ability to charm his skipping stones and then lie about charming his skipping stones… Did your face always feel this hot? “I’m not really one for balls.”
“That’s not what you were sa-”
“I think that’s enough chaos for this morning,” George interrupted, cutting off his twin’s original and undoubtedly hilarious quip.
Fred glanced at you, grin drawing a matching one from you as he pressed a reassuring hand to the small of your back, clambering up. “If we don’t make it to divination in time, Trelawny’ll castrate us.”
“Hold on!”
The pair froze and all three of your heads swiveled to look at Parvati, who had the dangerous gleam of a starved romantic in her eye. “Aren’t you going to kiss her goodbye?”
The entire table, you included, shifted to look at the twins. You were fairly certain the shade their faces turned could rival yours and for a moment you allowed yourself to feel awed and honored that they spared any embarrassment, so rare with them, on you. You watched them exchange stumped glances, eyebrows speaking a language you couldn’t interpret, before, synchronized, they leaned down to each press a kiss to one of your cheeks.
It was a chaste show of affection, and only for appearances, but even so the quickened beating of your heart pounded in your ears so loudly in nearly drowned out Fred’s mumbled: “See you in Charms.” Your eyes felt unfocused and your head rather dizzy but you still managed to register the speed at which they departed and the astonishing lack of a goodbye quip.
You swallowed, composing yourself as best you could as you turned back, breath light and short, to face Parvati. “Are you happy now?”
“Did you turn that color when they snogged you, too?”
“I will bloody hex you, Thomas, don’t think I won’t.”
“Come on, it’s clearing out,” Harry sighed, standing up and slinging his bag over his shoulder, gaze dropping to Ron’s. “Think he’s coming back?”
“I’ll take it!” Lavender, who had thus far been getting a play-by-play from Parvati and a very embarrassed Neville, exclaimed. She stood, grabbing Ron’s bag and wand and joining Parvati, heading for the dungeons. The pair was doing a lot more giggling than you felt comfortable with.
Harry sighed again, drawing a raised brow from you. “They’re more...clingy than usual, right? Ron and Lavender?”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, Harry,” you responded easily, glad to be discussing someone else’s failed romantic escapades. “It’s perfectly normal to have your tongue in someone else’s mouth more often than your own.”
“Suppose you’d know all about that,” he teased, shooting you a sly but friendly grin and adjusting his glasses. “You’re lying, right? It’ll challenge Ron’s entire worldview if you aren’t.”
You hoisted your bag over your shoulder and grabbed an untouched cranberry scone from George’s plate, leveling the pastry at the Boy who Lived. “Several times, Harry.”
Harry nodded slowly before shooting you a friendly smile and walking off, leaving you in the mostly empty Great Hall. You checked the giant clock above the doorway, then your watch. An hour and a half to yourself and no one to spend it with. Now that you thought about it, maybe you were rather dependent on the twins...no, that couldn't be right. Puzzled and still warm in the face you strolled off, set on finding a worthy waste of time.