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•oda pushed dazai away to clear his personal anger towards gide, he didn't regret that decision as to avenge the children. but he did regret that he didn't say goodbye to dazai properly. nothing more was said as they made the promise.
•chuuya was on and off with dazai. pulling him in and kicking him out. there were a few things chuuya had on his mind about the things that dazai did to him, and the things chuuya did to dazai to hurt him back. and chuuya was willing to set aside his entire humanity to save this bastard, despite everything he's done to chuuya. dazai was too late, chuuya died thinking that this death was sort of payback for the hellish life he's lived. chuuya regretted about the decision he made to use corruption for a second as he saw dazai's tearful face but brushed it off, thinking that it was worth it to preserve the suicidal maniac's life a little longer. he also regretted not saying goodbye to dazai properly.
chuuya's departure was also the first time dazai had cried.
the story of three men who lacks, who meets, who parts, who reunites. a story of happiness, responsibilities, and choices to be made. which is the true ending? which is the happily ever after for them?
the swish and swashing of the frigid waves on his feet prevents his sleepy daze get the best of him. tonight was really nothing special. it was just him, the beach parole and the lone chair stained with the smell of the summer air, the heat of the sun accompanying it; though it was already long cold due to the chilly evening.
dazai reminiscences a fragment of his memories, keeping a certain moment close to his heart. this feeling used to scare him. but to know that they've been accepted well... it was nothing but tepidity and warmth.
"dazai, what would happen if we were reborn?"
"you would but i won't."
"tsk. there's an if, you dumbass."
"i still would offer a hand to a lady in need of a double suicide partner, silly chuuya."
"whatever, there's no use asking you fun shit anymore."
"ehhh, chuuya's so mean. ask me more!"
"would you still be my friend even if we're different people in the next life?"
"chuuya's so dumb to think that way, but i guess it allows me to see your cute side anyhow!"
"shut up and answer already!!"
"of course. why wouldn't i?"
was the universe playing some sick joke on them? taking chuuya away from him weeks after that day. in the hands of his own uncontrollable corruption. and dazai was too late. if only he had the ability to stop time instead, perhaps he would've saved chuuya. but time was slow and bitter when chuuya lost his humanity— everything that dazai knew about chuuya, was suddenly gone in a blink of an eye. the god has finally taken over. chuuya is no longer here.
"oya? doesn't that sound like someone from somewhere?" dazai shrugs dismissively, pushing the thought away from him like it was some minor nuisance to him. well, it was though. he was busy thinking of chuuya.
dazai hums an empty tune as he closes his eyes. "oh well," he mutters under his breath and reopens his eyes. now, dazai has a new lover with a child coming to them soon enough. he should be satisfied with all of it, right? then why does it still sting like it only happened yesterday? the loss of his, not only his partner but a close friend that he valued the most in the world. it was like another reset, a chance where he could have something that he had with oda, with what he left behind, and he messed up. again.
why does it happen to them, not him?
but they couldn't really be dead, right? their souls should be right here. right next to him. right within him. but he can't feel them. where are they? are they enjoying the new sights of this lamentable world, a new life, moving on without the nuisance of dazai's existence? no, dazai doesn't even believe there is such an event after death. when you die, it's all over. nothing more. but then why would he think about oda and chuuya's souls wandering about in the world? why would he cling to the idea of them awakening from their deceased selves and are reborn as some angel and devil? perhaps he did try to believe for a moment, just for his selfish wish to see them again.
a tiny excuse. a small hint of hope.
"what are you doing all alone here?" a voice called out to drag dazai out of his bitter sea of thoughts, saving him from drowning in them. dazai recognized it though he was unable to find the source of the voice, so he turns to the sea. "odasaku?" dazai mumbled in between breaths. "yes, it's oda." it replies. dazai blinked. did he die or something? why is the sea, who has oda's voice, speaking with him? he must be hallucinating. dazai's tripping. there's no way oda could be speaking to him (even though dazai really wants the latter to do so) right now, when he's... you know. the waves slowly return back to sea and never drifts back to shore, a small sigh could be heard. "getting yourself soaked," dazai waits for elaboration but knowing oda, he doesn't really expect much. "i got nothing to do, you know!"
"why not try drowning yourself, asshole?" another voice barges in, dazai could already tell it was the petite male who wore the ugliest of hats known to man. chuuya. "my wife apparently wants me alive for making her red days go bye-bye for almost 9 months, i'd ask her again but she'll make me sleep on the couch." dazai slightly pouts and sulks, it was rather half-assedly done for his part. the reason behind it was obvious. chuuya went "huh?" as if he was deaf. dazai chuckled in return. "i'm married, chuuya." the following reply from the ginger sounded monotone, as if hiding any type of emotions. obviously dazai knows that. he wasn't chuuya's partner for nothing. chuuya sucks at concealing things from others.
"congratulations, dazai. you finally got what you've always wanted." dazai's head perked up, he blinks a few times to imply his confusion and waited for oda to elaborate once more. "a place to belong to? a family." ah.
"thanks, odasaku." dazai kept his reply short and sweet to keep them from knowing the true complications of his feelings towards all this. i mean, he loved someone. but then he got married. a kid is coming to show proof of their love. his wife and kid, it was something he secretly looked forward to in life, but now that he has it, it doesn't feel right at all. it just doesn't. "what's the name of the kid?" chuuya asked to keep the conversation going. "i almost named him fumiya. but went with masaki instead." chuuya hummed lowly. "why the fuck would you steal the name of my future child and slap it on yours?!"
ah, there it is. "i couldn't think of any name, so i went with your idea!" "no excuses, you lazy fuck!"
"you're practically going to raise your child with MY OWN child's name, are you seriously mental?" chuuya continued on and on about until oda decided to make him stop. "chuuya, it's alright. fumiya sounds like a wonderful name for dazai's child too."
"you're siding with him?!"
"chuuya." if chuuya still possessed a human body, he would tense up and freeze at his spot. "sorry." oda hummed in response. it was silent for a while, no word was uttered out between the three with the stygian waters slightly moving alongside the breeze and dazai, for the first time since this evening, felt warm as if layers of blankets were stacked on him. "you have an entirely new life, bakazai." chuuya said, almost a low whisper, as if he didn't want the brunette to hear him. "it's good to know that you've moved on." oda added. but what if he wanted to stay behind? to go back in time, to do right of what he has done that led them up to their fate, to his curse of empty loneliness.
it wasn't like he was ungrateful about everything, it had actually caught him off-guard that such a thing could happen to some alien of a human such as him. it was a shocker, but it felt like it was living someone else's life, someone who deserved this type of happiness more than him because dazai already found his happiness. within oda, within chuuya. they're his happiness. how could he possibly move on from his own purpose of living? they were there, constantly reminding him to busy himself breathing once more, but never exactly haunted him to the point of pressuring him to become he wasn't supposed to be, that was his own fault.
perhaps they did haunt him. perhaps he wanted to run away from them, thinking it was a responsibility he had to put up with again. but they were the reason he's still here. still living the life. living the life he has or the life that they could've had? it was all too confusing. thinking can be so tiring. so many problems dazai had to address to. the faults and decisions he cannot undo. though it was thanks to them that he's alive. perhaps he did all this unconsciously to thank them, or perhaps he didn't. who knows. dazai doesn't even know himself despite being here for years. but if oda and chuuya were in his shoes, would they do the same as him? would they feel the same feeling as him? probably. probably not.
"how long will you two stay?" was dazai's immediate question to the bitter wind that's seemingly freezing up his lungs. "as long as you want." oda replies with no haste to which dazai nods to. "would you two stay for me even in the afterlife?" oda and chuuya didn't expect this. dazai, this suicidal maniac who wanted nothing more but the salvation of his own death, who never once believed that there was something after closing his eyes to rest peacefully suddenly spoke something he always considered as taboo?
chuuya was surprised the most, it was close to his own question to dazai and to ever think that this bastard would even ask about the afterlife. it wasn't like him. "oi oi bakazai, is that you?" dazai laughs, completely amused by the disbelief in chuuya's tone. "of course it's me, silly chuuya. i just happen to be curious. we're friends, right?" chuuya clicked his tongue, judging by the small sound that he made. dazai assumed that chuuya crossed his arms as an addition, knowing him.
"friends my ass. i'm surprised you had the nerve to say that we're friends."
"says the one who asked a question if i'll still be his friend in the next life." how chuuya wished he could strangle dazai's neck and turn him blue right now. instead, he groaned as the waves splashed onto dazai's feet. "shut up, we don't talk about that!"
"about what, exactly?" the waves calmed down as oda spoke. "oh, you know! about the time chuuya asked me—" a huge wave crashed onto dazai, causing him to fall onto his back and to the sand. great. "chuuya, you're being irrational. and don't drown dazai. he could surely do it by himself." dazai laughs at oda's reply as he sat up. "how thoughtful of chuuya to help me out! but you should listen to what odasaku says!" the brunette teased, resulting to another wave onto him, only bigger this time around. chuuya screeched as more waves began to appear by his will which made dazai soaking wet. oda could only laugh. ah well, these two are still kids by heart no matter the circumstances. he trusts chuuya enough not to actually kill dazai. chuuya's just embarrassed by whatever dazai was talking about. he's like that.
"that should shut you up. next time, i'll drag you into the sea and actually drown you." dazai stifles his laughter and wheezes. "i'm so scared, chuuya! odasaku, save me!!" dazai got splashed again. "that's enough, chuuya. dazai's going to get sick."
"that's the point!!!" chuuya scoffed and the waves has calmed down for real. "you should get in soon. it's quite cold out tonight." oda mentions as glacial winds blows soothingly on dazai's clothing, he snickers by again but in a lower volume. "now you're just forcing me to get inside with that wind, odasaku." chuuya huffed, "we control the fucking sea and its weather, what do you think? now get inside and take a shower, bet you reek." dazai stands up and dusts off the remaining sand on his pants and dress shirt, he'll get the other remaining when he showers. "tomorrow?" no one responds as the roaring waves starts to sink onto dazai's feet again, slightly tickling him. "tomorrow it is then." he smiles to himself before hurrying inside of his home.
no one greets him as his wife was dozing off in their bedroom. the thought of it eases his mind as he scurries into the bathroom. dazai spent the entire time sinking in the information that oda and chuuya literally just talked to him, has he gone mad? is he insane? god, he sure is but not to this extent! ...hopefully. maybe he'll take his wife out to sea tomorrow, perhaps he'll know by then.
early morning comes and the married couple slowly strolls down the calm sea, talking about whichever has popped up into their heads. "oh, is this your wife?" a voice greeted them, dazai slightly jumps at the sudden interruption before beaming broadly as he turns his wife's attention out to the azure waters. "this is michiko." michiko then nods her head as a bow and smiles. "it's nice to meet you, erm..."
"sakunosuke odasaku." michiko's face then lit up as she clasped her hands together in delight. "ah yes, sakunosuke-san! osamu has been talking about you, it's finally nice to be talking with you." the waves run back as another voice butts in. "michiko-san? hope you don't mind that we're some ghosts of the sea or something." michiko blinks in slight confusion as her mouth opens in recognition. "erm, who is the other one?" dazai represses himself and grins coyly. "don't you remember, the chibi who wears the ugliest of hats and gets drunk easily?" michiko giggles in turn.
"chuuya-san!" she exclaimed excitedly and laughed. waves splash on the couple's feet as chuuya groans. "i thought you'd be the sane one here, michiko-san!" the woman wipes her tears and wheezes. "i had to play along, i couldn't resist!" chuuya groaned again but just barely. the four started to chat the entire day before michiko had to come inside and start preparing for dinner. "i'll call you when dinner's ready, love you." michiko gives dazai a quick kiss and leaves. as soon as she was out of hearing range, oda whistled.
"two lovebirds are hitting it off." he says and chuuya clicks his tongue. "just don't do it in public, makes me feel gross."
"you're just jealous i have a beautiful wife, chibi."
"ha? hell no! i'm perfectly fine on my own. atleast i got this old geezer to hang around with."
"chuuya comes around." oda adds and chuuya growled as oda chuckles indistinctly. it was like the olden times back then, but somewhat better. and somewhat worse. oda and chuuya continued on rambling about the things they've previously discussed. dazai pondered. does oda laugh more often with chuuya? is chuuya at ease with oda beside him? these two have no interactions at all within the port mafia, are actually good friends now? well, as expected with oda's calm yet somewhat approachable demeanor, he's not like any mafioso that anyone knows of while chuuya is the exact opposite, he is everything that you expect in a mafioso. they actually mix well.
chuuya could use a chill pill at times, oda is just what he needs. a big brother figure? that adds more to chuuya's "family". it was what the ginger wanted as well, a place to finally belong to. and he chose the port mafia. dazai knew at first glance that this stubborn drunkard wouldn't budge from port mafia as soon as he wore that hideous hat. it was relieving at first, knowing that dazai had done his job and mori got what he wanted. but after that day where his eyes have seen the bigger picture, dazai just lets the ginger be. why would he bring along a slug anyway?
years after, oda's words rang soundly into dazai's head, reminding him of his promise. and overlooks yokohama with a new light. it has never looked so brighter before. though if oda were here, it might look at its brightest. and now these three have reunited in a very... bizarre way. with oda and chuuya reincarnated...? as spirits of the sea nearby dazai's new residence. they must've come a long way to get to where they are now. and dazai has never felt any happier than he is right now.
oda and chuuya made small sounds of agreement and waves splashed on dazai's feet. "what do you think?" oda asks and dazai snaps back to reality. he forgot what they were talking about. "hm?" chuuya sighed. "not listening as always. seriously, you never grow out of your stupid antics."
"and yet you never grew out of your height after years." dazai retorts and the stygian waters start to crash on one another. "does it matter if i'm some sea spirit?!" "odasaku, what were you guys talking about?"
"don't ignore me, asshole!"
"ask chuuya, he was the one who thought of it. though, i don't support the idea."
"ah, i see."
"you two are just mocking me now!! i'm not telling dazai anything!!!" oda and chuuya began talking again, leaving dazai out of the discussion. he was zoning out anyway. they'll just tell him the entire thing later on. this has continued on for quite some time before michiko comes out and calls for dazai to come in. oda and chuuya have exchanged their farewells and the couple has gone their way in.
silence hangs in the air until chuuya spoke. "how are we going to tell him?" for once, oda was unsure. he wasn't as smart as dazai to pull off this kind of thing, it was unlike him. and besides, he hopes that dazai says no. "why do you want to do this?" oda asks and chuuya sighs. "i know that bastard. i'm not his partner for nothing. you could tell from his eyes, you know. and his thoughts are so fucking loud i could hear them. we've been here for years, oda. years. we've been watching over him for years."
"dazai's a different person now, why are you so persistent? is it because our time is up here by the end of tomorrow?"
"i don't even know myself, probably." nothing more was said that night as they wait for dazai to return. he never did. oda and chuuya has anticipated dazai's presence the following day yet no one. they waited and waited until midnight dawned on them. dazai sat alone on his usual spot, by the beach parole with the lone seat tainted with the smell of the summer sun though it's already midnight. it already has gone cold by then.
"i wish it was midnight all the time." dazai whispers to himself as he watches the stars as they gently illuminate on him and closes his eyes in bitterness. he lets himself indulge in the coldness as it stings on his pale cheeks. it was calm. just him, the sea, the stars, and the pleasant silence. "oi, oda—" well, until chuuya spoke. "dazai, chuuya has something to tell you."
dazai reopens his eyes and stares out to the sea, he hums that indicates his curiosity and it was chuuya's turn to speak. "oi, oda, you know that i can't say it, right?" "chuuya, it's your idea." chuuya whines. "fine. don't have much time anyway." just then, the water rises as chuuya in a translucent light sea-green clothing, it looks long enough to serve as an actual woman's dress with some loose sash around his neck and arms. chuuya's arms were wide open, as if he's waiting for an embrace, but as soon as dazai takes his first step forward, chuuya drops his arms and the waves have settled.
as dazai breathes in the chilly salty air, he begins to hold back his laughter at the sight of chuuya. chuuya growled as waves started to crash in dazai's direction. "so chibi, where's odasaku?" dazai's eyes wandered about, making it an excuse to not look at chuuya, laugh his ass off, and get his ass beaten by his ex-partner who's some sea spirit. "oda, you do know that you can come out, right?" soon after, a taller man accompanied chuuya from behind. oda pretty much looks the same, except he possesses a tail, looks more transparent, has water supporting him so he could sit behind chuuya; a throne of some sorts.
"go ahead and tell him, chuuya." for a moment, chuuya switched expressions from crestfallen, hesitant, and torn on what he should do. in defeat, he lets out a shaky breath out of his system and glimpses at dazai.
"come with us, bakazai." is all chuuya could muster up to say. oda closed his eyes and held a distressed expression on his barely visible face. He looked against what chuuya said. "to where?" is all dazai could bring himself to ask. oda reopens his blue gaze to dazai and shakes his head to which chuuya doesn't notice. "to fucking mars, where do you think we're going?" dazai stops himself from laughing again as chuuya continues. "look, we don't have much time, dazai. you either come with us or stay here. oda and i talked about it. we can't stay here forever, they're taking us back."
"who is?"
"that's not important right now. are you coming with us or not?" looking at oda and chuuya, dazai finally gave in to his feelings and jumped into the water. he instantly embraced both his friends but they disappeared as soon as he held them, only water soaked his clothes. dazai bitterly laughed to himself as he knelt, the waves crashing onto him. he sobs as the cold surround him, perhaps soothing him down.
dazai osamu cried for the second time.
dazai picks himself up and walks further and further from the shore, something was calling out to him but he didn't know what. he didn't care at the moment but he takes one last glance to the surface and smiles wistfully. dazai tosses himself into the water. the sea rises...
masaki overlooks the sight of the setting sun over the ocean. it's been years since his father committed suicide here for an unknown reason. his mother told him that "osamu has reunited with his friends." but it felt unacceptable somehow, how could she accept it like that? why would his father leave her and him before he was even born? why why? thinking can be so tiring sometimes.
the waves gently splash on his feet and masaki snaps back into reality, smiling below. well, atleast his father is at peace now. he may never meet him but... "i'm back home, dad."
rewind time, back to when these three hearts were one. but they could never be "one" as the fables say, for they could never be each other as much as they try to be.
"so, what's your choice, dazai?" the brunette, who was spacing out, was brought back to the crushing decision he has to make and be responsible for. it was slowly driving him insane. dazai veers over chuuya's shoulder to where oda was, it looked so painful just looking at him. dazai played it off with a shrug, even though it really wounds him to not come with them. this was his chance. to be with what makes him feel ecstacy unlike any other. but this life was what he brought upon himself.
as much as he can't stand at the thought to be apart from them again, dazai can't bear with himself leaving his unborn child and wife. and everyone else. "i'm staying." oda looked relieved. chuuya tried to hide his actual reaction with a poker face. "good choice," the ginger muttered under his breath and resentfully laughed at oda. "you win this time, old man. i'm going first." chuuya then disappears into the waters, leaving oda behind. oda then nodded at dazai, "you made the right choice." dazai waited for an elaboration once more. nothing. "i'll make sure not to regret it." oda chuckled and follows chuuya into sea. the moonlight that once phases through chuuya's sash now glimmers over the empty ocean. the stars lazily illuminate on him and he's without another word.
"so where are you showing me, dad?" masaki asked his father who was unusually skipping on the sand. "just wait and see~!"
"but it's just the beach, still."
"here we are!" waves crashes onto their feet and masaki pouted. "why are we here?" dazai broadens his smile to his son who gave him a confused look. "we're back home, oda. chuuya." as soon masaki heard this, he bowed to the sea, silently thanking these two people who made his father happy up until today, who gave him the chance to live again.
to live again.
dazai stares into the cerulean waters, distracting himself with the thought of two people who were once here before closing his eyes to fully dive in the feeling of it. the water greets his warm sandy feet.
in the crashing waves, i still think of you.