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It was time. Suga had always known that it would happen eventually, I mean this is why he was here in the first place. He had thought it would come up sooner but he knew he wouldn't be ready to talk about it that soon so he was glad it wasn't brought up until now. The person who his family had suggested he see had tried to start off with easy things, what Suga did, what his childhood was like, what made him happy, simple things to get him to open up. With each day he came here things got a little deeper a little harder to talk about. How they'd met, what they had plans to do, what their wedding was like. How things were now. Now finally, that day. What led up to it, what he saw, how it felt, how he was coping. It was time.
Suga fiddled with the wedding band on his finger as his throat seemed to close up. He couldn't speak. Tears started to build and they stung his eyes as he tilted his head back. He took in a breath, and cleared his throat but it did nothing to rid himself of the knot that sat in his throat. He brought his head back down and looked away from the person who sat in front of him. They said something but Suga didn't hear, didn't want to. The two sat quietly for, what seemed like to Suga, hours before he spoke. He took in a breath and his voice was strained and somewhat broken.
"We had woken up late."
Suddenly Suga was back in it.
They had woken up late but it was alright. It was a weekend and neither of them had work. It was a nice morning. It was light outside and there was a light rain. It was a really good morning. Daichi had been quite romantic that morning. He had given Suga countless little kisses throughout their late breakfast, little ones on his temple, his jaw, the back of his neck, his shoulders, his hands. There were days when they would get like this, they'd wake up and shower each other in kisses and would hold each other until one of them would have to go to work. Then when they'd both come home there would always be little gifts to share. A candy, a small fruit, maybe a cute little oragami, a flower or interesting leaf. Then they'd spend the rest of their time together listening to and telling stories, exchanging little bits of affection throughout. A soft kiss here, a hair ruffle there. Little shoulder rubs and I love you's. When neither of them had work on days like these they'd cuddle and maybe mess around as well as show their little bits of random affection. They would play games or pass a volleyball to each other, maybe go to the store. Just like they had done that day.
Suga had woken up from a nap not too long ago when he'd asked for his special drink. It was one Daichi would make him on occasion and it was Suga's favorite. But, they didn't have all the things needed. Daichi, being him, had said he'd run to the store and make Suga his drink when he got back and so he went. Suga didn't think anything of it then. He stayed on the couch and switched between the tv and phone while he waited. This was normal, one of them would ask for a something and they wouldn't have it or wouldn't have the things to make it and out they'd go. They two of them weren't the best at keeping the kitchen stocked and full so they would constantly make little runs to the store. But this time Daichi was taking a while.
Suga had sent him a few texts to him whining about how he was sure to die without Daichi's drink or his company but he hadn't responded. It started to get weird. Daichi was usually quick to respond with a jab or a playful argument but hed yet to do so. Suga sat quietly for a moment debating whether or not he should call, he wasn't gone long but it was longer than normal, was everthing alright?
As he stared off in space thinking and that's when he heard them. Sirens. It snapped him out of his daze and he walked over to the window. There was an ambulance. He watched as it made its way around the bottom of the hill where Suga and Daichi's apartment building was set on. It wasn't a tall hill but it was long and was fairly secluded feeling from the stores and shops but still a short drive away. It was perfect. Their apartment had a beautiful view of a lake and some greenery, and they could see the long road that that wrapped around the side of the hill and up to the parking for the apartments. That was the road Daichi would take to get to the shops.
Suga watched as the ambulance came to a sudden stop on the road. From what he could see there was one car there, it looked banged up in the front but there didn't look to be another car or something to hit. He stared hard trying to get a better look as another ambulance arrived shortly after along with what looked like a tow truck. Suga watched and after a few momennts he understood what the car had hit. He watched as the truck slowly pulled the other one out from the lake and one ambulance rushed away. That was Daichi's car.
The realization hit him like bricks. No, it couldn't be Daichi's car, Daichi was at the store right? Before he even really registered what he was doing Suga was running out the door and headed for his car. As he made his way out of the parking lot and down he small hill he was stopped by soemone who was standing by the accident. He practically jumped out of the car, his heart and his breathing were rushed and he ran toward the lake. He could feel tears starting to well in his eyes and pour over, it couldn't be Daichi, it just couldn't. But it looked like his car. Cars can look alike it might not be his.
"Hey you can't go over there." Someone had grabbed his shoulder and stopped him from reaching the lake but he could see it now. It was Daichi's car. Suga wobbled on the spot and things seemed to almost go out of focus for a moment. It was Daichi's car. Suga dropped to his knees and a sob ripped through his throat. It couldn't be.
"Daichi?" his name was followed by a sharp intake of breathe and the person who had grabbed him spoke.
"You know the guy in the car?"
Suga's voice was wracked with tears and uncertainty, did he? Was it really him?
"I, I , maybe?" he shook with every word. It couldn't be him, please don't let it be him.
"Daichi no, it's not you it's not you." Suga mumbled out his words sobbing as he watched the paramedics rush the body in the car and work to get it out. When they were finally able to get the body out it was layed on the ground and Suga made a quick move toward it. He didn't make it far as the person next to him was quick to grab hold of him. But he didn't need to go further. He could see the man laying on the ground just fine.
"No!" a scream ripped through him before he could even think to scream. He fell to his hands and tears poured from his face.
"Dachi, no! No! Daichi! No get up, get up! Daichi!" Suga trembled violently as he called out his husbands name, each sob and sound he made seemed to rip out from him and through the air. Suga wasn't aware of the hands that held his shoulders as his body heaved from his sobs. He felt sick. He felt numb. He retched a few times before continuing to call out Daichi's name. Somehow, his cries seemed only to get louder as he watched a sheet be placed on Daichi's body.
The rest of that night had blended together. He knew he ended up calling Daichi's parents, he knew he ended up in a morgue, he knew he saw the body. Those next couple weeks went by without him realizing and suddenly he was talking the person that had examined Daichi's body. His corpse. Because he was dead. Daich was dead.
Suga vaugley remember fiddling with his wedding band before he asked if he had gone quick. The answer wasn't what he wanted. He wanted the truth but not like this. The person driving the other car had just left the apartment parking lot and was speeding down the hill. There was a bit of a turn around the side of the hill and the road was slick after the rain. They weren't paying attention to the turn and ran head on into the front side of Daichi's car. They were going fast enough that the car, Daichi's car, slid off the road and down inro the water. Daichi was hurt in the imapct according to his ijuries but he hadn't died and he hadn't passed out. As soon as the car hit the water it started to sink and although Daichi was conscious, he couldn't get out. It took the paramedics a few minutes to get there and so Daichi had drowned.
Suga knew he had started to sob after he heard that. He had rushed home after that and spent the rest of the day on the couch wrapped in a blanket, he was in agony. The blanket smelled like Daichi, the couch smelled like Daichi, the kitchen smelled like Daichi. Everywhere Suga looked he could see Daichi. Daichi eating at the table, cooking in the kitchen, standing by the window. He was sitting on the couch drinking coffee and humming. He was fresh out the shower and pressing a kiss to Suga's head. He was everywhere. Suga's thoughts were filled with only Daich. Daichi and something that was also a nothing. A feeling that didn't feel like anything. One that kept him in agony but numb at the same time. His heart would hurt sometimes and other times it felt like it wasn't there.
Suga spent his nights alone for a long time. He spent his nights on the couch and on the floor. He couldn't go into their room, he could barley sit on the couch. Their apartment was full of memories of Daichi. They had spent the last three and a half years in this apartment together and he had touched everything in it. The walls, the floors, the counters, the chairs. There wasn't anything that didn't remind him of Daichi.
Some of the worst moments came randomly throughout the day when he'd feel the urge to give Daichi a kiss or hold his hand and he had no one to turn to. When he wanted to be held and loved and hear an I love you. But he wouldn't hear it again. Because Daichi was dead. He had no one to hold him anymore and so he held himself. He'd wrap his arms around himself and sob and shake until his eyes couldn't see from the headache he would get. He would choke on Daichi's name as he whispered it to no one other than an empty room. He'd think and cry until he wished he couldn't think. He'd feel so much until he wished he couldn't anymore. And one morning he woke up, and he couldn't.
It took a long time before Suga ever stepped foot into their bedroom again, but eventually he did. It took a long time before Suga started eating regularly again, but eventually he did. It took a long time for him to speak to anyone again, but eventually he did. It took a long time before he could feel again, but eventually he did. Suga still couldn't say Daichi's name and he still couldn't say "I love you". He couldn't throw out the shampoo Daichi had use to use but he couldn't use it either. He couldn't wash Daichi's clothes, he was afraid he'd forget Daichi's smell. He couldn't try to make that special drink, no matter how much he wanted it. There were a lot of things Suga still couldn't do, but there was a lot he could do now that he never thought he'd be able to do again.
It still hurt. Everyday it hurt. His husband was gone. He lived on his own now in the apartment they shared. He slept alone in the bed they had slept in together. He drove down the road where Daichi had died, not often but he did. Sometimes he'd go there and he would sit on the grass and he would think. He would think about Daichi and about how things were without him, they weren't nearly as good but they were okay. Sometimes he would sit there and cry, and other times he'd stare at the sky and think of what ifs Things weren't the same and they never would be. That's what Suga had to live with now, even though it hurt. So he was living with it as best he could.