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July-December
“Sometimes we think we want to disappear, but really we only want to be found.” That quote stuck out to me but I never knew why, I remember reading it the morning that changed me and my life. I had grown to enjoy my summer at the Minamino household, the house may have been around the same size as the house of Lamentation, but my brothers had more to do and it left me with more peace to read. Jetèa and her family had welcomed us all into their home and though I was pleased at the reuniting with our dear friend, I was still frustrated at the fact that she chose him. She comforted Beel and Mammon in his idiocy was made an example, but not a word was spoken to me. Did she know how I felt? I thought I was clear, but it didn’t matter, this arrangement was good for me and her mother Elie was very nice and ran the house like a general but she went about it with the gentlest hand.
The entire family was nice enough, the father was very tolerant of my brothers and the grandmother had basically taken Asmo for her own best friend which meant we didn’t spend as much time together. The baby sister didn’t speak to me much but her own antics kept my brothers out of my hair further so it was all for the better. The only one that really stuck out was her brother Kiomè, he was quiet and reserved, I could tell he loved to read and he seemed intelligent but something in his eyes…they looked like darkness lied behind them. I never made much of an effort to really speak to him…that is until the morning he got angry.
I saw the utter rage that bubbled up within him and I saw the darkness in his eyes and where some had seen a monster or felt fear I saw…myself. I saw myself in the pitch black soul that thundered like a storm, and in that moment I took interest. Could it really be that someone would feel the utter rage I did, and relate to me fully? I had to know, so I followed him and provoked him and hurt him until that familiar beast came out and I saw a glimpse but it wasn’t in fullness. No, he held back, or rather he played a part to placate me which told me two things: one that he was much more dangerous than I has thought and that he was a people pleaser. So I hit him where it hurts, I used the same words he used in hopes he would reveal the monster within and he did. He scratched me good but I didn’t care, I saw the beast within him, the one that reminded me of my own. And in that moment I felt relief, when I saw the him curl into himself in shame and fear I felt relief because for once…I found someone who knew! Who knew what it was to feel utter hatred and not even know why, to be consumed by rage.
“Why are you doing this, why can’t you just leave me alone?” I saw those eyes so pained and so vulnerable and I saw the darkness of his soul, I had to know more about it and why there was so much pain.
“Do you want to be alone?” He didn’t answer me, but from his silence I knew the answer.
“Well I don’t either, and like I said, I like to keep company of those who understand me. We will talk next time Kiomè.” I turned to leave him and I heard his voice so quiet and meek.
“Kio.” I turned and looked at him again and he lifted his eyes to meet mine.
“What did you say?”
“You can call me Kio.” And in that moment I saw the smallest smile and then I saw the first flicker of golden light within that darkness. I was baffled and it only made me more curious about him. I wanted to know so much more.
And so time went and I learned more, I learned how broken you were Kio, and all of the dreams you had given up in your grief. I listened to your songs and where most would hear noise and anger I heard poetry, I heard the words that came from your heart as it ached and I felt the anger in the guitars’ melody and I felt myself sink in to the world that was rock and I loved the punk aesthetic that crept from you the longer you stayed in Devildom. Once you asked me to sing and when I did I saw you sparkle, you were so thrilled to listen and play to my voice and I enjoyed being your voice, your words painted a beautiful picture and I enjoyed singing in our band. You changed so much in a short amount of time and I know I did too. I know it was because we were friends, but I think it was just because of how complicated you are.
You were so smart and yet you were not drowning yourself in studies, you seemed to be like a perfect balance to me and I liked that. You were so quiet and timid before and like a flower I saw you bloom and come out of your shell. You became more boisterous and mischievous and I loved the pranks we played together like the time we super glued Lucifer’s’ shoes to the floor! I was beginning to think you were truly the companion I was looking for. You were also easy to get along with, and that should have been good, but I found that others liked you as well. I hated it because I was the one who helped you blossom, I was the one who watered you and kept you safe. It wasn’t fair to share your sparkling light with anyone else.
I kept this all inside though; I tried not to let my jealousy get in the way of your change. In the end you always came back to me with your smile, and when you called me your best friend I felt such a jolt. I had never been anyone’s best friend before and I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right most days. I knew I was keeping you happy when your soul would spark those beautiful bouts of light. I enjoyed more than anything that I was the one to make you shine the most, it made me feel like I had a purpose in this existence.
January-February
I remember when I told you about what I was really feeling, it took a while and I regret that. I was there for you when you were down so many times and I had never considered letting you in. The one time I told you of my origin, when I told you how I came to be you said I should accept it. You told me that I was a force of nature, you told me that I was amazing and yet I should have told you before why I was so angry. The thing is that I’m always angry but you were already knew that didn’t you? Is that why you would provoke me on purpose and allow me to hit you? I wish I was better at having friends or I would know not to take your bait. I had to get drunk in order to tell you that I felt I had no purpose; that I was a parasite at best. I knew how to express anger and I knew rage very well, but this pain was something I didn’t share with anyone, I didn’t believe they would understand.
“I never even met Lilith…” and I let it slip with you…I told you the one thing that bothered me more than anything in my miserable life, the one thing that none of them would ever understand.
“What?” I felt your eyes on me, and I was so drunk I couldn’t contain the pain I felt, that I always kept buried under my rage and I let it all out!
“I was never an angel…the only feelings and memories I have of her…came from Lucifer. I think about her all the time but I don’t even know her! And what’s worse she never knew me, do you know what it feels like to hurt over someone who could’ve given two shits about you?! Damn him, damn him!!” In that moment I felt ashamed, ashamed to have such pain…so much borrowed pain that didn’t even have anything to do with me! I knew for a fact that if they could they would trade me for her because their pain made it obvious…I felt it too.
“So no Kio, you can look all you want but you won’t find a soul in here…all you will see is rage and hatred inside this empty…thing I am!” empty…yes that was the feeling, under that rage and pain there was nothing but emptiness, I have no soul, I have no purpose I just had emptiness and in that moment I wanted to bury myself away in that dark bathroom and never see the outside again.
“What are you…you’re a demon, the only difference between you and me is that my parents have human blood in them. The only difference between you and your brothers is that they were made by somebody else. You’re an accident, so what, both of my sisters were accidents and yet I’m the fucked up one! But one thing you are not is a mistake! Inside you are intelligent and innovative and you have a love for cats that is a little unsettling.” I remember looking at you incredulously as you raised your hands, your smile widening in the dim light. You had such a glint in your eye when you smiled like that, I’ll never forget it.
“Hey I saw the pictures you tried to hide, don’t even go there. You are so fucking special man, so who cares how you were born? What matters is what you did while you were here and it seems you did a lot.” Something deep in that emptiness began to take root just then, something I had never felt before and I felt a warmth within my chest. I had something to say but the alcohol poisoning ruined the moment I had intended to have and I felt once again embarrassed. I was miserable and in pain in so many ways. Yet I felt your cool hands on my neck and face as you held back my hair. I felt you rub my back and comfort me and I felt this feeling get stronger. What was this? Why did my heart pound this way, why do I feel so warm? It was then I remembered the quote: Sometimes we think we want to disappear, but really we only want to be found. I wondered in that moment exactly who found who. Who exactly is helping who now? I had approached him to take him under my wing, I stayed with him because I loved the way his soul would sparkle in ways that only I could make it do. And yet here you are taking care of me without a second thought. I knew in that moment that I could not part from you, my best friend, because I knew I wouldn’t meet another person as kind and adventurous and selfless as you and yet just as broken and angry as I was. I had to keep you close to me, I had to keep your soul with me forever so we could never part.
“You know something…I have to say, that of all the things I’ve done I think meeting you was the best thing.” Would I have said such a thing if I wasn’t so out of it, maybe, I wasn’t sure anymore; all I felt was the burning desire to be by your side, to look into your soul and protect you always.
“Sae…I…why are you looking at me like that?” I must have been staring, I leaned back, too dizzy to stand and unable to even sit upright anymore I fell into your chest. You were so warm and your arms were strong around me, I was supposed to be protecting you ha! I looked up at you and I saw a sea of golden lights coming into the darkness like bubbles in a carbonated drink. You were happy…I can make you happy and I wanted to be the only one to do it.
“Oh wow….your soul…it’s sparkling right now, how pretty.” I didn’t remember much after that, but I awoke in your bed and in your clothes, you had taken care of me that night and it only made these feelings grow. And yet I saw so much confliction in your eyes, I wanted you to know first and foremost that I would always be there to keep you happy, to make your beautiful soul shine. I had promised it from that day on.
Why didn’t you tell me how much you were hurting, or rather why didn’t I pay attention?! You hurt yourself again, you damaged yourself and hid it from me and my reaction was to be hateful with you and hit you, knowing it would hurt. How was that protecting you? How was that keeping your soul safe? I went to your mother because it was the only thing I knew to do, I felt guilty, but mostly I was ashamed that I didn’t have it under control myself, I was your best friend, I was the one who was supposed to keep you from harm. And yet when I heard you sing, I somehow forgot the worry I had felt and my chest ached to feel the emotion in your words. I saw it in your soul, the way the lights bubbled inside the darkness that was you…it was at that moment I realized that I adored your soul and wanted it for myself. I wanted it more than anything if only to keep it safe and watch it glitter like that for all eternity. But if I said something so outrageous as that you may turn away from me, you would think me to be those other demons that kill others for their souls, I didn’t want to be lumped with those savages. You knew me better, didn’t you? But even still I couldn’t tell you how besotted I was with your soul Kio, I could never tell you that I ached to have it for myself.
March
Our family seemed to face one trial after another this investigation being the biggest one yet, and there seemed to be no end in sight. You weren’t there but you stood up for us, you defended us like we were your family. You were always selfless like that and I adored it, but I knew other demons would take advantage of your loyalty and kindness, I couldn’t allow anyone to get too close. Belphie would use you and Levi couldn’t stimulate you to your full potential like I could. You needed to be kept safe, you needed to stay with me. That was why I cursed Asmo after what he did to you, he touched your body like you were some cheap toy to him. He didn’t appreciate you or your soul, your beautiful dark soul like a black star diopside gem, no one could love it like I could. They would only hurt you! So that is why I went searching for you after the you left with my brother and was so angry when you came back like it was nothing. Like I hadn’t been all over Devildom looking for you worried! But if I had known you were out buying me the second most precious thing in the world for me, I wouldn’t have thought to raise my voice let alone my hand. You are always so selfless and you dote on me so much. It is like you cherish me like I do you, you want to protect me too, and I loved that.
I do realize that I went too far, I should have known that night when you massaged my shoulders and there was a slight tremor in your voice. I should have known that I was pushing you when I asked you to solve the mystery with me, why did I drag you along to meet Solomon? Why did I tell you that night would be okay? You seemed to have a good time at first, but then I saw the way she looked at you, that Celeste, she seemed wretched! She would be the type to take your soul and your life too! I hated the way she touched you and spoke sweet words like you belonged to her when it was mine! Yes…I went too far in my jealousy, I became agitated when you spoke alone with Mammon that night, I swore he was going to scam you in some way and you are too trusting! And yes I was elated when you walked out on that girl, but you felt exploited and you didn’t deserve that! I should have told you why, I should have told you then what I felt about you being with other demons. I shouldn’t…have shoved you.
I hurt you and in doing so I believe I started a series of events that made this friendship crumble the way it did. I told you the whole truth when I was too consumed with my need for you, my anger and my jealousy that I couldn’t think about your words properly.
“Sae…do I really mean a lot to you?” You had so much meaning in those words, and if I wasn’t so caught up in my own emotions I would have understood what you meant, I would have seen that you were incredibly vulnerable in that moment. But believe that I told you the truth, I just wish I had understood what you were searching for.
And then you kissed me, it shocked me; even as you pulled away I was in disbelief. I hadn’t expected it and before I could process what had happened you ran away in shame. I wish I had caught up to you, I wish I hadn’t let you go that night. The longer time had passed the more confused I felt about this feeling that had grown inside me, I had thought before that I simply wanted to protect you, keep your soul safe so that I could keep it close. Be the one who made it sparkle like it did when I held you close. But then that was it wasn’t it? You glimmered that way because I held you close, because I was by your side because…you cared for me. I had never thought of that option, the way you flirt with the girls on stage I never would have suspected you felt things towards me. I was confused, guilty and elated all at once. But you were gone…and I began to fall into a pit of desperation.
You refused to speak to me or read my messages, you ignored me while I paced at night, while my chest ached and my hands sweated. Yes, I wanted your soul, I carried that disorder with me but there was something else as well. More than those sparkling lights I began to think of your smile, the way you smelled and your laugh. I thought of your song ‘I can’t make you love me if you don’t’ Could that song have been for me, did you love me then and feared my reaction? I wanted to know, I wanted to see you so badly, but I couldn’t and it made this ache turn into a burning of another kind. I was used to the fire of my rage, but this was dull yet persistent, it took my very breath away. Was it possible…that I loved you too? I know I had said the words in a whisper, because they felt right to say; but I had never known what it was like to really love a person. I loved my kitten and I didn’t feel this burning for her, I loved many novels but I never felt solace in the smell of their particular pages. I had read romance after romance trying to figure it all out, I felt like I was going insane because you were all I could think about and even dream about, it started to not even be about your soul anymore.
But one day I realized that your soul is you, it makes you who you are and who you are is amazing and dark and yet…so bright. Maybe I was in love…is this how it feels to love a person like this? Is it always so intense and painful? I was hopeful in that moment but at the same time I was still angry, angry that you didn’t come back, angry that you wouldn’t answer my calls and furious still that no one looked for you like I wanted to. So yes I told them all about themselves, they didn’t care about keeping you safe, they were sitting around while you were in danger! And yet…I hear you were talking to Belphie? He would visit you and you told him not to tell me, you would speak to him in person and yet not read my messages? I felt a new pain, I felt my very heart tear in two…I wanted you so badly but I was furthest from your mind it broke something inside I am unsure I had before. But I didn’t give up, I had to see you again for the closure alone.
And then I did see you, you looked to be in so much pain, everyone was screaming and afraid but I saw the beast for what it was, after all it was why I chose you. Your rage, your wrath matched my own and you wanted all to perish so not to ever hurt again. Only that isn’t how that works…you see Kio, anger never goes away but lies dormant and destroying everything and everyone will never pacify it, but only make it stronger. I knew the beast that looked at me, that’s why I was unafraid to take it head on. I wasn’t afraid when you hurt me, I wasn’t afraid when you tried to kill me but something you said terrified me.
“Do it, while I’m still me…you have to kill me Sae, before I hurt anyone else…I’m so tired…” I know you were…your body was forcing itself to fight, if you didn’t stop you would kill yourself. But don’t you know how precious you are to me?! Don’t you understand what you are asking of me when you say that?!
“Don’t you ever tell me to do some stupid shit like that again do you hear me?!! I could never do that, I could never kill you, I told you how important you are to me!!!” I saw you fighting to stay in control, I saw how exhausted you were, you didn’t want to hurt me anymore, I was important to you too, was that also why you wanted your death to be at my hand? Did you feel the same burning ache I did? But that didn’t matter in the moment, in that moment there was much more at stake and I had to get you to your senses. Looking back I know it was selfish, and if it didn’t work I fear we would all be gone, but when I tasted your mouth even with my own blood I felt a rush of ecstasy I hadn’t known before. I remembered back to that moment you made the first move, you hoped for a reaction, for a response showing I felt the same. I failed but I was there in that moment, the moment I brought you back from the edge and back into our home.
Only you felt so much guilt didn’t you? You wanted to make things right as I knew you would want to, even at the expense of yourself. You were always so selfless like that, it was why I had to protect you, didn’t you understand? I dressed your wounds with you head in my lap and I felt an odd sense of peace. Just having you here alive and well gave me solace and I was alright with that. But when you woke I saw the pain of guilt and darkness flood back to your eyes and you moved away from me, I couldn’t bear for you to hurt like that.
“Don’t do that, after what I did I am the last person who needs to be okay!” NO, you deserve so much but never death I hated it when you said such things!
“You shut your mouth, don’t ever speak like that again!”
“How can you look at me and say that? Knowing how much I hurt you, you really don’t think I deserve to-“
“DON’T, I mean it! Don’t you say it or I’ll kick your ass again!” Not the best choice of words, but I couldn’t hear you say it, not when I was so happy to have you home. It was my fault anyway, if I had kept you home, if I didn’t let you go you wouldn’t have this guilt.
“It’s my fault you took off in the first place, I’m so sorry…I was confused. I thought you liked girls so I didn’t understand.” It wasn’t a good excuse, but it was the only reason I had. I saw the fear and confliction in your eyes and I waited patiently, I wanted to take it all away but I wanted you to want it too.
“Yeah…well, I think…I like both.” I knew what that meant, but I didn’t understand why you emphasized it, but then I remember humans don’t like what they do not understand, they do not take to change or anything different than the majority, destroying and belittling all that does not fall in line to their ideal. And they call us cruel.
“Oh…oh! Okay, I can understand that. So, am I the first one or were there others or something? Like is there a type you go after?” Stupid thing to say I admit, I let my own insecurities slip through when this moment was about you, I wanted to believe that I truly meant something to you. But as you explained I felt that familiar feeling like back when we were in that bathroom, I felt a warmth within myself and my heart pounded heavily. And then…
“I love you Sae.” I felt like I was struck right in the heart, and my breath caught, I felt dizzy for a moment and this ache turned into something else. Desire. I saw the pain in your hazel eyes and I desired to take it and your fears away. I closed the distance between us and I could feel the warmth of your body from where I stood. I watched as the blood crept up to your face as I spoke my truth to you, I felt the pounding of your heart when I touched your chest, you wouldn’t know that I had butterflies as well would you? You wouldn’t know that I was holding back as much as I could, feeling your waist in my hand only made me want to know more. Yes, this body was a vessel, it was the cover to an amazing novel. I wanted to cherish and adore each page, but to do that I needed to show the same love to that beautiful shelter.
Kissing you that time was a sensation I had thought I knew but it seemed magnified when I felt your hands on me, and as I got to touch and learn what places you liked to be caressed and kissed I realized that my anger…my rage that had consumed me all of my life was gone! I felt no hatred as I placed nibbles on your neck and heard you sigh in pleasure, I felt no wrath as your hands explored and pulled me closer. This was an experience I had never known and yet I wanted more! I suppose I had gotten greedy, pushed you too far, I came on too strong knowing you weren’t ready and I scared you.
You recoiled and pushed me away, you told me that you didn’t want me, that you had someone else, that I was just a moment of pleasure to you but I knew different! I wasn’t stupid, I saw how dark your soul became as you said those words. You were in pain, you didn’t mean it so why, why did you leave again? I ran after you, but you were too fast, too determined to leave me, and so I let you go.
April-June
My anger returned with a vengeance and I felt it best to stay away from others, I replayed that night again and again not understanding why you left and how I hurt you! I took solace in your room, where we had that wonderful moment that ended in suffering. Is that the right word for it? The desire subsided and the burning ache in my chest returned as well leaving me bitter and alone. What is this feeling, was this what love really was, I didn’t like it if that were the case. Little things reminded me of you and it only made my fuse shorter. I hated you for leaving me and yet I wanted you back so badly it hurt! You were with her and there was nothing I could do about it but be happy for the moment I had, but it wasn’t fair. And when I saw her again I made sure she was going to protect you and come to find out she was not the one you wanted. It was then I decided to call again and I heard your voice for the first time in weeks!
I shouldn’t have been this elated, sitting in the library smiling like a schoolgirl, because underneath it all I knew I couldn’t speak of why you left, any wrong word would cut the thin thread of our interaction and I would lose you forever. You had no idea how deeply into darkness I was sinking, the burning ache driving me insane. But even still your voice was music to me.
“Then why did you call?” I couldn’t give a matter of fact response after the way we left things, I couldn’t say it was any type of business because that would be something Lucifer would do, so I told the truth.
“I…just wanted to hear your voice.” I could feel my vulnerability and I hated how I exposed it to you after everything but hearing your words moved me.
“Oh, well I guess that’s why I answered.” I wanted so much to tell you that I loved you, I wanted to fix what I have done wrong and bring you home! I hated that you were so far from me! And you had to still care or else you wouldn’t answer, I just didn’t know at this point how much.
We spoke several more times over text; he was selfless as always, you were always the one to uplift me when I was the one that wronged you. By the time we had gotten to the cherry blossom festival and I had to sit through the umpteenth selfie with Asmo, I couldn’t take it anymore! That night was so romantic and all I wanted was to be by your side Kio! Why didn’t you realize that, why all the secrets and walls? So when I called you I let it all out, I opened myself and poured out my heart in hopes you would understand…but I wasn’t so lucky.
“I can’t do that Sae, I’m sorry but that was a one-time thing. We can never go back to that because I don’t want to hurt you but we can always be friends.” I was shocked and I was hurt but then, I got angry. I let my wrath out in its fullness and I said things that no one would say to one they loved, and maybe this wasn’t love after all. It couldn’t be if I could be dismissed so easily! My anger spent and my words said I hung up, but then the guilt came crashing back and I called again. No, you have to answer now, I have to say I was sorry! You cannot leave it like this, let me say I’m sorry!! But you didn’t answer and what you sent instead made my blood run cold and my stomach lurch. This was why I never knew love, I truly believed at this point that I was incapable of such an emotion, if I could do this, I didn’t deserve it!
I felt myself sink even deeper into a darkness I had never traveled, I found my own mind trapped in the cycle of shame, anger, guilt and sadness. I couldn’t find a way out of it, I couldn’t see my nose in front of my face in the abyss that was inside me. But my brother, Asmo he pushed his way through and he made me listen to what he had to say.
“Until you are 100% sure there is always hope brother, 99% won’t do.” Those words were wise, and they kept me going; I pushed on trying to move from the stuck spot I was in this existence and I had hope.
But then, I saw you again, you looked so afraid to see me and that was my fault but I felt that familiar ache in my chest, and that irrationality returned to my mind. All I wanted was to be close to you, all I wanted was you to be by my side as we always were. Only I wanted so much more now, I couldn’t be without you beside me, I needed you and you had to know that. You had to know how sorry I was and the ache I felt! And most of all I wanted to take away the pain you felt, I know this was hard, loving me must be hard to accept but I accepted you fully! I spoke my truth to you, I told it all and you looked at me with the same longing I had and I had to hold you close. You tried to hold me back but you faltered, you caved into the desire as I had. You love me too I could feel it in you! I could see it in your soul, and I once again felt the peace I had once tasted, I felt the bliss that only an absence of anger could give me.
But once again, you pushed me back and rejected me, but this time you told me the truth, your truth and though I should have been angry at being rejected again I felt more adoration towards you but the burning returned full force and I didn’t think of how rational you were being, I only felt this pain and the sadness that came with it. So I did what I had to do, just as you did. I hurt you and you hurt me back, it was a cycle at this point and I had to break it. I would rather sink deeper into darkness than pull you down as you tried to save me or vice versa. I will suffer alone, but it’s for the best. Because if this was what love felt like, then I didn’t need it in my life.
I watched as he closed the diary with tears in his eyes, gently touching the cover before meeting my eyes again. He was at a loss for words, which said something because he always had something smart to say.
“I told you, it doesn’t mean anything, you shouldn’t have read it.” He wiped his eyes and stood holding it to his chest as he closed the distance between us. I hated seeing pain in his eyes and if he read that, he would know by now!
“Of course it means something Sae, this is your heart right here, this…this is truly what you were feeling. I really hurt you back then, I was so stupid. I was too much of a coward to tell you the truth!” I covered his mouth with a finger and then brushed his hair back from his face.
“But you did, and I was too inexperienced to really help you either, so neither of us were ready for what we were feeling. That’s why I said it didn’t mean anything, it is in the past and we have both grown.” He sat the book down and hugged me tightly, I loved the way he held me close, the way he glittered and the way he felt against me gave me such peace.
“Did you know that the moment in the bathroom was the moment I knew I loved you?”
“I didn’t seem too lovable.” He laughed as he tilted his head as though thinking of the memory.
“Sure you were, you were so cute covered in puke and slurring. I think you were the prettiest drunk at Roarfest!” I pushed him back, I hated how he would irritate me on purpose.
“Smartass!” He continued to laugh and took my hand, brushing my cheek with the other and I felt myself blushing under his touch.
“You let me in, you let me see what was inside of you that night and I also felt I could relate. But not only did I want to take away your pain, I couldn’t help but think of how adorable you were, the way you smiled at me when you said you were happy you met me. I knew then, when I held you in my arms, that was where I wanted you to stay.” He could be a romantic when he tried, and when he tried he always put my heart in a vice. He kissed me softly and I wrapped my arms around him, this peace, this peace alone as enough of a reason to stay by his side. He went through a lot that year, and I wish I could change a lot of things but this outcome, I wouldn’t trade for the world.
“Sometimes we think we want to disappear, but really we only want to be found.”
“I read that the day I approached you…I don’t know why it stuck out to me.” He leaned back and smiled sadly, and I kissed his forehead to erase the gloom from his eyes.
“Isn’t it obvious? It’s because you found me, I wanted to disappear, I wanted to be out of my own misery and you found me! You saved me…” I held him and nuzzled his hair as I thought about it.
“I did find you Kio, but more like how a person finds a pretty shell on the beach, or like how a person finds that one favorite song or book or painting for the first time. I may have approached you, I may have found you, but I didn’t save you. You worked hard and did that yourself.” I wiped the tears from his eyes as he smiled and he backed up embarrassed.
“Yeah well…still thank you. Umm…I’m going to see about dinner, are you hungry?”
“Sure.” He left trying to hide his current self-consciousness and I could only look behind him and sigh.
“No Kio, I found you, that’s true; but it was you who saved me.”