Chapter Text
I ran down the deserted road as quickly as my legs could take me. Just a minute ago, Jason called to tell me that he’s waiting by the bridge, the one we usually cross to go to school. I grabbed my jacket and left my shift early just to meet him. Luckily, the manager didn’t ask much when I said I had something urgent I needed to settle.
As I saw Jason’s tall figure in the distance, I stopped on my tracks to take a breath. I fixed my messy hair and straightened my jacket. I made sure I was presentable before walking over in small strides to meet him.
Jason offered a simple smile, which I returned.
“Hey, how was your day? Sorry about my appearance, you called me out of the blue and I was on my shift at the bakery today.” I ranted to ease the awkward atmosphere.
Jason nodded once, but didn’t say a single word.
I opened my mouth to start another conversation, but he cut me off before I could speak.
“Let’s break up.” The three words I dreaded the most slipped from Jason’s lips.
My heart stopped beating for a second.
How could he say those words so easily? When I felt like the world stopped spinning all of a sudden. I felt dizzy, and nauseous. I felt lost.
The cold wind slapped on my face, waking me from my trance. I tried to search in his eyes, any sense of hesitation or affection left for me, but found nothing. He was indifferent.
Did he really mean it?
“Why? Do I not matter anymore? Do you not want me anymore?” I whispered.
Jason shook his head. “You know you’ll always matter to me.”
“Then, why-? Why are you pushing me away?”
“Do you still not get it? I wanted you so bad, that’s why!” Jason shouted, losing his cool. He turned away to cuss.
I shook my head. “No, I don’t- I can’t understand you. Why do you keep saying that we should stay away from each other when your actions prove otherwise?!”
“Let’s not fight over this again, Sam. We shouldn’t be in each other’s lives. We shouldn’t have started this,” he stopped for a second before mumbling, “whatever it is between us.”
“And what are we? What is it between us, huh?” I jabbed him on the shoulder. “You tell me.”
Jason held my arm. “Stop being obsessed over what’s not real! We’re over. I don’t want to lose you as a friend too.”
I stayed still. I didn’t even know what to say anymore.
I stared at Jason, letting the warm tears melt on my cheeks. He didn’t even try to reach for my face like he used to.
Is this really the end of us?
“What are we even, to end up like this?” I mumbled.
Since the very beginning, I’ve seen this ending. I’ve prepared myself for the heartbreak of developing feelings for my best friend. But experiencing it like this still left a sting in my heart. No matter what had happened between us, I knew I had to let go. It was the best thing we could do for each other.
I wiped my wet face on the sleeves of my jacket – it was a new one and I didn’t want to ruin it, but I guess it couldn’t be helped. I calmed my breathing and bobbed my head in acceptance.
“I guess this is as far as we can go.” My voice wavered as I spoke, but I kept going. “It was nice knowing you, Jason.”
I hesitated to offer him a handshake, but did so anyway. I wanted to appreciate the times we’ve spent together. I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t nothing to me, that we were something.
Jason took my hand. “Likewise.”
Our hands only touched for a brief moment, but the warmth from his hand lingered even after he’d let go. I clenched my fist, refraining myself from reaching for his hand.
I’d hate to admit, but it would be the hand I miss the most whenever I’m lonely, and the hand I could never hold whenever I’m sad. Not anymore.
Jason turned his back at me, and I did the same. I was about to go my own way, but I felt like I needed to ask him one last question before we part.
I quickly turned my body to face him. “Jason, can I ask you one last question?”
Jason stopped on his tracks. He bobbed his head but didn’t turn around to look at me.
“Do you regret it, having met me?”
“No. Our memories were beautiful, and I hope it’ll stay that way.” His voice was barely audible, but it was loud enough for me to hear.
I smiled.
“You’ll find happiness someday. Just not with me.” Jason said as he walked away.
“You too.” I choked.
How could he, knowing well that he was mine. Although I failed to make him happy, he was my only source of happiness.
I watched Jason’s back disappear in the distance. I wanted his back view to be the last image of him in my mind.
I wiped away the tears in my eyes and walked the opposite way. I fought the urge to look back, because if I did, I would want to run into his embrace.
Why did I have to love him more than he loved me? It’s unfair, how the world works. The more I wished I could stay, the harder it was for me to hold on. He kept pushing me away, and I kept giving him space. There was never an ‘us’ to begin with.
I cried silently on my way back home. My tears fell uncontrollably with every step I took. I wiped them harshly as a group up students walked pass me. It’s embarrassing to be seen crying alone, especially when the people around here liked to gossip.
Another group of students appeared on the other side of the road. They reminded me of memories I shared with Jason for the past three years. The times I would run to the basketball court after school just to watch Jason play, the times I would give up eating lunch just to help Jason with his homework, the times I would stay up all night just to reply Jason’s messages on time. I even saved up for six months to get him a decent birthday present. I did everything for him, and all I’m left with was a broken heart and memories of him.
Thinking back, I must’ve been so stupid to waste my youth loving one person. It’s like my world revolved around him. I laughed bitterly. What could I do, when I loved him more than I loved myself. I loved him, knowing it hurt, and I didn’t regret it. My days with him would always be the best days in my life.
I continued to walk aimlessly around the neighborhood. The neighborhood bookshop seemed to still be open as I made my way inside. A few people scattered around the place, some searched for books while others leaned on the shelves as they read. I walked along the aisles as the place reminded me of Jason. How I used to bring him here after school to pick something to read. I’d recommend him some of my favourites, while he made excuses to avoid reading them. I guess I could never make Jason read. I picked a couple of romance novel and paid for them.
I checked the time on my phone as I left the bookshop. Catching a movie would be a great distraction tonight. The cinema nearby was just open last month. Me and Jason didn’t even get the chance to visit the place. At least I won’t get any images of him as I enjoyed a movie.
I ignored the stare I got from the attendant as she sold me a ticket. It’s not like we would meet again any time soon. I looked around and found couples and families hanging around the waiting area. I shrugged. I guess it was rare for someone to go alone?
For the first time ever, I watched without any distractions. Jason liked to chomp on his popcorn whenever we went on a movie night. He also had to use the bathroom in the middle of the movie, distracting me from enjoying the movie.
Again, my mind wandered to him. Ironic, isn’t it? I tried to forget him, but why did my heart keep going back to him? I didn’t even know if he’d feel the same way. Probably not, considering he had just broken up with me.
How I wished we could return to the time when we were each other’s everything. Now everything’s a mess and I didn’t even want to think about it.
I left the theatre as the movie was over and went on with my journey. I didn’t want to go home just yet, not with the feeling of regret lingering deep inside my heart. I won’t be able to sleep tonight.
My legs unconsciously took me to the park near my place. I sat on the swing and started swaying back and forth, enjoying the cold breeze. I looked up to find countless stars shining in the night sky. I pointed my fingers at them and started counting the stars. I used to do it a lot during the holidays when we were apart, especially on the days I missed Jason the most. He said I’d miss him less this way, because we’re staring at the same sky. I wonder if he’d still do the same if he missed me?
I stood up and dusted my pants. I went to the nearest convenience store to get a carton of milk. I choose a couple of snacks to go with it. All the crying made me hungry. I paid for them at the cashier and found myself a seat at the bench outside. I took a big gulp of the milk. It reminded me of Jason’s habit to give me one every morning. We’d head to school while enjoying a carton of milk. It’s good for growth, he would say. I wonder if he’d offer one for someone else now that we’re over?
Again, and again, I think of him. Just why do I have to relate everything to Jason? He’s not my everything. Except he was.
Just as I finished the snacks I had in my hands, rain started to fall. I reached my hand to feel the rain against my palm. Drop after drop pooled on my open palm. My hand felt numb, but I felt content. I’ve always wanted to do it, but never could.
It didn’t seem like the rain would stop soon. I didn’t bother to get an umbrella and ran against the rain. Jason used to nag at me for playing under the rain. But I did it anyway, just to annoy him. It was all in the past, and now all I’m left with is the image of his soft smile whenever I turned to face him.
I lowered my hands that I used as shade from the rain. I cried once again for Jason. The raindrops would do a good job of hiding my tears. I didn’t have to bother about my tear-stained face as I continued to make my way back home.
As I neared my place, I took a deep breath to calm myself. I was determined to get over this pity party. I was tired of crying. I’ve shed enough tears for one boy and it’s time to face reality.
“Goodbye, Jason. I’m letting you go now.” I said to myself.
I returned home confidently, but what I saw screwed up my plans. I was going to forget him the second I enter my home. But I guess I’ll have to reconsider that decision.
A lump formed in my throat and my eyes brimmed with tears. I tried to hold them back, yet they still fell. I cried all over again for the familiar silhouette slouching over the doorsteps of my place.
It’s not over between us.