Work Text:
Tuesday the 9th
What’s up with all the fleshly lawlessness these days? Is everyone going nuts? What’s the world coming to?
Decided to drop in on the couple across the donkey track to palm off some of my extra zucchini (note to self: do NOT plant zucchini again — it takes over your whole garden) only to discover them having an orgy with the people down the block! I told them off for being lewd and lascivious. They seemed to think it had something to do with me and the missus not being invited.
As if.
Wednesday the 10th
Hoo boy, this was some day.
Was in the workshop trying to fix the @!#*&! ox-cart and heard someone calling me. Thought it was my nogoodnik son Ham, come to “borrow” my tools again (not that I ever got back my favorite hammer).
YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHO IT REALLY WAS
OMG!!!!!
OMG
OM
I need a drink.
Let me get this straight… A flood. There’s going to be a flood.
God is going to wipe out my sleazy neighbors.
AND EVERYBODY ELSE.
AND HE NEEDS MY HELP.
And I’m supposed to know what a cubit is, right off the top of my head?
I ask you, should a 600-year-old man have to do such heavy lifting?
ARK DONE
AM SO DRNUK!!!!
Sunday
The kids are rounding up animals. Overheard this witty repartee:
Shem: Ham, go get the pigs and wild boars.
Ham: Yeah, okay.
Shem: Get it?
Ham: Get what?
Japheth: It’s a pun! He said, “Ham, get the pigs!” “Ham,” “pigs —”
Ham: ...I don’t get it.
My sons are idiots.
Wednesday the 17th, 7 AM
It’s raining.
11 AM
Really, really hard.
3 PM
Seriously, it’s like some kind of a fl—
Ah. Aha.
Oy vey.
Captain’s Log, Day 3
Steady rain
Idiot Son #2 (Shem) loaded porcupines next to marmosets. Mating was attempted.
Luckily we have backup marmosets due to Idiot Son #3 being unable to count.
Captain’s Log, Day 15
Still raining
Japheth (Idiot Son #1) called me down to the hold. It stinks down there. This is the last time I construct an ark with only one skylight and no cross-ventilation, let me tell you.
I.S. #1: Pop, we’ve got a little problem.
Me: Show me.
I.S. #1: See?
Me: See what?
I.S. #1: Look closer!
Me: What the —? They’re both males.
I.S #1: Ham got confused.
Me: What a dolt.
I.S. #1: What do we do, Pop?
Me: What can we do? Nothing!
So much for the unicorns.
Captain’s Log, Day 19
Lord, was there really a reason we had to save mosquitoes?
Captain’s Log, Day…I have no idea
Still raining
A snake swallowed one of the field mice and we had to squeeze it for half an hour to make it upchuck.
Daughters-in-law #1, 2 & 3 plus missus still screaming.
Mouse came out okay. Me, I may never recover, nauseous like you shouldn’t know from it.
I’ll be in my bunk if anyone needs me.
Captain’s Log, Day ENOUGH ALREADY
Everyone high from elephant-poop fumes.
Still @%&! raining
RAINING. RAINING. R-A-I-N-I-N-G lalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Day 40
Stopped raining
STOPPED. RAINING.
IT STOPPED RAINING!!!!
THANK YOU, GOD!
LIFE IS GOOD! CELEBRATE!! WE’VE MADE IT! HURRAY! HUZZAH! HALLELUJAH!
Dove missing in action. Maybe I should try a homing pigeon.
Wait a min—
LAND HO!!!!!!
The missus just complained about how I parked the ark.