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Chapter Text

It was just the beginning of the semester and the hallways were already chaotic, students crowding the little space in front of the announcement board, making all types of noises, from happy squeals to reproachful whines.

And Jungkook watched them with curious eyes, sipping from his cup while adjusting the heavy duffel bag his hyung had asked him to bring there. Even though classes didn’t start yet for nearly an hour, Jungkook guessed it wouldn’t hurt to prepare in advance. Someone walked past him crying out his disappointment, his friend trying to console him with a pat on the shoulder.

“Uh, coffee! Give me, please!”, Yoongi groaned, taking Jungkook’s cup away and desperately taking a sip of it before recoiling with a grimace, “Ew, what is this shit?”.

Jungkook rolled his eyes, grabbing his cup and offering the duffel bag in return, “It’s delicious banana milk”, he simply replied because pouring five boxes of banana milk into a cup was very convenient to him, always disliking the way he finished them too soon, “What’s all the fuss about?”, he asked, not really reacting when Yoongi pushed back the duffel bag toward Jungkook’s chest, turning around and signaling him to tag along.

“It’s Jin hyung’s fault”, the older informed, stopping just in time to avoid another student who ran pass them with tears and snot running down his face, “He posted this morning the results of the audition for the play that will be held at the show at the end of the semester”, Yoongi said as he resumed walking toward his office with Jungkook tailing behind, “And as you can see, not many made it to the final cut”.

“But the theater subdivision always does this type of things at least twice a year and never did I witness such an...emotional reaction”, Jungkook drank the rest of the big cup before dumping it into the nearest trash bin and rushing to enter the quiet room at the end of the hall, closing the door to muffle the commotion that was happening outside, “What’s so different this time?”.

Yoongi rubbed the side of his temple, sitting down on his comfy chair with a tired sigh. There was a couple of blankets thrown on the nearby couch and Jungkook guessed the older had stayed the night here, “That’s what I’m saying...Some idol trying out for a role shouldn’t cause such a ruckus”, he grabbed a couple of random pieces of paper to shake them in the air in an indignant gesture, “I mean, I’ve been doing the soundtrack of their last two plays and I’m currently working on the next one but did someone care? I don’t think so”, he grumbled to himself, taking off his glasses and throwing them onto his desk.

“I’m sure Jin hyung cared”, Jungkook commented, opening the duffel bag and emptying the contents on the couch, “Come on, get dressed while I prepare your class presentation”, he was about to leave when Yoongi snapped his fingers, looking at Jungkook as if he’d just remembered something very important, “What?”.

Yoongi tilted his head, making a weird sound with his mouth that resembled the way someone would sorb his own drool, “I forgot”, he finally said, appearing completely unbothered.

“Seriously?”, Jungkook huffed out in disbelief before leaving Yoongi’s office, knowing the older wouldn’t appreciate his joke of memory loss related to age. It wasn’t that funny with Yoongi hyung anyways, the man always reacting very logically to his teasing.

“I got the lead role!”, someone behind him announced with an excited squeal when Jungkook entered the restroom, “I’m so happy I could try that ramen challenge we saw last time”, a pause filled with a sulky whine that resonated around the place while Jungkook tried to do his business inside one stall, “Yah~ it’s not fun if I don’t do it with you”, another moment of silence where the sound of him peeing was the only thing being heard in the room followed. Okay, maybe continuously drinking so many boxes of banana milk wasn’t a good idea, “Please, Jimin-ah, for me, yeah?”.

Jungkook was mortified that his piss stopped flowing for a noticeable couple of seconds before resuming his way out of his bladder, cursing himself for reacting to that name again after all these years. Jimin was a very, very common name. And Jungkook was painfully aware of it, remembering how each time it was pronounced, he’d respond in an unwilling or clumsy manner.

“Hold on, dude. I think some weirdo is eavesdropping”, the guy said in a whisper and Jungkook actually felt offended because he didn’t ask to hear this stranger’s conversation at all. He just wanted to pee in peace! That’s what bathrooms are for, aren’t they?, “I know! Such a creep, anyway...”, Jungkook swallowed an annoyed huff, staying still while he heard the guy leaving.

A moment later, Jungkook walked out of the stall and went to wash his hands with soap. When he glanced up to check his appearance in the mirror, he couldn’t help but frown at the sight of it. His blushed cheeks and widened eyes revealing how affected he was just by hearing that name again. And Jungkook hated how it still had such an impact on him after so long. Rubbing circles on his chest, he decided to cool down by focusing on the task at hand: preparing the presentation for Yoongi’s class.

***

“What’s taking you so long?”, Yoongi asked with a dry tone, not really yelling because that wasn’t the way he showed his impatience. It still made Jungkook run even faster toward Yoongi’s office, not wanting to exasperate the older even more.

Jungkook crashed into the room with a huff, frowning when he found it empty, “Where are you?”, he questioned, peeking around the hallways as if he could catch a glimpse of his hyung.

“What do you mean? I’m in Jin hyung’s office”, Jungkook winced when he heard the sharp edge in Yoongi’s voice, “Hey, don’t tell me...You…”, he slowly said in disbelief and Jungkook could already imagine his hyung’s scowl deepening while pursing his lips in frustration.

“No, no, no”, Jungkook hurried to deny, turning around and starting to race toward Jin hyung’s office, his legs straining from the extra effort, “Don’t be...silly…..hyung...I’m almost….there”, he forced himself to sound cheerful and secure, even though he was internally cursing his alarm once again for not going off this morning, “I’m already….seeing….the door”.

“Don’t you dare lie to me”, Yoongi hissed in anger, “I can hear you gasping for air”.

“That’s because…the air...is so clean…”, Jungkook objected while clenching his phone, thankful to see the correct building just a couple of meters away, “Seriously, hyung…I’m so close….I can hear your voice…on the hallway”, he gritted his teeth while deciding to take the stairs, elevators too full or slow to open when needed.

“Huh, that’s funny because, you know, I don’t see anyone outside”, the older snapped before giving out a defeated sigh, “Be honest, brat, where are you really?”.

“I’m...telling...you...the truth”, now Jungkook was not by any means in a bad shape, he was the most athletic out of his friends but running from his apartment to the university in record time and from building A to building E plus climbing some evil stairs to the fourth floor would take a toll on anyone, especially since he’d skipped breakfast, “You silly hyung…”, a pause to cough desperately for air, “You’re just...looking…in the wrong...d-FUCK!”, Jungkook cursed when he tripped on the last step, hitting his knee with a loud bang.

“What? What is it? Did you fall down the stairs?”, Yoongi asked, not sounding concerned at all.

“No...there was a spider…”, Jungkook replied with a casual tone, an ugly wince on his face while he rubbed the sore spot.

“You’re not scared of insects”, the older one argued, some voices were heard in the background and Jungkook struggled to recognize them all.

“I can still get surprised. Was that Namjoon hyung?”, he changed the topic, straightening up to continue his race down the hallway.

Jungkook ended up skidding past the correct room but he managed to stumble his way in without needing to make an embarrassing entrance by crashing in since well, the door was wide open, which meant everyone inside Jin’s office got to witness him screeching against the floor like a racing car out of control, “Good morning, everyone”, he greeted, trying to sound excited and not tired at all, enunciating each word to not sound like he was wheezing.

“You’re sweating like crazy”, Namjoon commented with a raised and very judgmental eyebrow.

“What?”, Jungkook squealed while breathing heavily through his nose, injecting too much feigned incredulity in his voice to be credible, “Ah, you mean...no, no, I just took a shower so...”, he half-explained, focusing more on regulating his respiration and dabbing his forehead with a tissue Yoongi hyung offered him.

“Let’s pretend we believe you”, Jin said in dismissal before gesturing toward the two other people that were standing next to the desk and a little bit hidden behind Namjoon’s tall figure, “These are the new professors that would be helping to put together the big show”.

A lanky man stepped up to bow down and Jungkook hurried to reciprocate, determined to look as trustworthy as he could considering his embarrassing lateness, “Nice to meet you, I’m Jung Hoseok and I’ll be choreographing the play”, Jungkook nodded with an awed expression, tilting his head a bit when the new face kind of rang a bell in his memory.

“Nice to meet you too, I’m Yoongi hyung’s TA, Jeon Jungkook”, he introduced himself, trying to send a welcoming vibe, “Excuse me if I’m being rude but do I know you? It’s just that you look very familiar to…”, he trailed off when his eyes slid beyond Hoseok, mind, and body freezing on the spot.

Was he still dreaming?

“Hello, Jungkook-ah, do you remember me?”, a cloud of fluffy blonde hair bounced a bit when a little nose peeked over Hoseok’s shoulder, a shy smile and expectant eyes sparkling with mirth.

It was totally possible since Jungkook’s alarm didn't go off this morning. It was that weird guy’s fault, the one from days ago who accused him of eavesdropping in the bathroom. He must’ve summoned He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named into Jungkook’s dream by casually referring to him that morning.

Yeah, this must be a dream. Or a nightmare.

He should wake up now if he wanted to make it on time for the meeting.

Wake up.

Come on, wake up.

“Jungkook-ah?”.

“Yah, what’s wrong with him?”.

“I don’t know”.

He felt drops of water falling into his face but the voices were muffled as if he was pressing his ears with his pillow.

It was a dream after all, very realistic, but a dream nonetheless.

“Call 119”.

“Wait, he’s breathing”.

“So what?”.

“So honestly, I don’t think it’s necessary”.

“Don’t be like that, Jin hyung”.

“What? I just don’t think it’s urgent enough to dismiss our first team meeting”.

“Wah, I didn’t think you were like this”.

“Efficient? Well, sorry to disappoint”.

Warm skin resting against his own made Jungkook blink, startled out of his shock to meet Jimin’s eyes right in front of him, his forehead touching Jungkook’s just lightly enough to feel his heat.

“He doesn’t seem to be sick though”.

“Who the hell taught you how to take the temperature?”, that was Yoongi hyung, sounding slightly amused.

Quite the opposite of Jungkook who instead inhaled a gasp of air as if he’d been underwater for too long, tottering a couple of steps back to put some distance between the two of them. He could taste Jimin’s scent on the center of his tongue, blinking repeatedly while rubbing his chest in comfort.

“My mom”, Jimin replied with a shrug, eyes still scanning Jungkook’s face with worry.

“See? He’s fine”.

“He looks like he’s about to pass out”.

“Oh, come on!”.

“Jungkookie, are you alright?”.

His plumps lips were forming a cute pout, pretty eyes as big as they could get, small hands reaching out to him in case he ended up fainting. All the little things Jungkook knew too well. But he also noticed his slender figure, the lean muscles under his tight outfit, the tattoo engraved on the hidden side of his wrist. Stuff that Jungkook didn’t know, couldn’t, were now on full display.

Something inside him was being cruelly squeezed.

“Wanna go to the infirmary, kid?”, Yoongi asked with a bit of concern, noticing the intense red tainting the younger’s cheeks.

Meeting his hyung’s worried stare kind of snapped him out of his surprise, realizing in shame that, as Yoongi’s TA, Jungkook wasn’t acting like his job demanded. No matter how close he was with his hyungs, they were currently in a professional setting with new colleagues that had joined them for a work meeting. He shouldn’t be like this but Park Jimin had that kind of effect on him.

Jungkook licked his lips, feeling the heat in his face intensified, “It’s okay, hyung, I’m fine”, he whispered before bowing in a respectful manner, “I apologized for my inappropriate behavior”, he tried to meet Hoseok’s friendly gaze only, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to keep it together if he were to make eye contact again with the blonde man, “Please, let’s resume with the meeting”.

“Alright, everyone, take a seat”, Jin hyung said with a firm voice and all of them sat down where they could with Namjoon and Yoongi fitting themselves on the chairs in front of Jin hyung’s desk, Hoseok and Jimin sitting down on the large couch, leaving Jungkook to awkwardly leaned his ass on some furniture near the door.

He didn’t notice until the crashing sound startled everyone in the room but his butt had bumped into a vase, causing the glass container to smash against the floor, “Sorry!”, Jungkook winced, sending an apologetic look to his eldest hyung, “I’ll clean it up”.

Seokjin squinted his eyes, pursing his lips in an annoyed or suspicious way before letting out a tired sigh, “Forget it, we’re only gonna delay the meeting. Just don’t move or you’re gonna get hurt”, he typed something on his phone before dropping the device and focusing back to whatever he was about to say.

Jungkook deflated a bit, embarrassed and disappointed with himself today. He warily glanced at the two guys sitting on the couch, imagining how awful of an impression they were having of him. It was surprising to find Hoseok giving him a tiny smile and a thumb up while nodding, encouraging. He also felt Jimin’s stare on him but Jungkook refused to make a bigger fool of himself, so he attempted to direct his complete attention back to Jin.

“Well, let me start by thanking all of you for your cooperation in this project. You already know me, my name is Kim Seokjin, the professor from the department of theatre and film that’s gonna be in charge of this project”, Jin hyung began to say with cordiality, “I gathered you here so everyone could know each other, your respective roles and responsibilities as well as how your works are gonna be interconnected, some more than others”, he said before signaling toward the closest professor, “Should we start then?”.

“I’m Kim Namjoon, a professor of the music department and one of the music supervisors for this play”, he bowed toward the newcomers before raising a hand in a greeting gesture, “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m a fan of both of your works”.

“The same goes for us”, Hoseok answered with a sincere smile, signaling with his palm toward Namjoon and Yoongi with respect and admiration, “We’ve danced to so many of your creations, it’s a dream to work with you two”.

Yoongi sniffed, partially covering his mouth with his hand to hide a smirk, “Ah, well, we’re happy to contribute like both of you do to the creation and expansion of art”, the older said, grinning shyly while raising one hand in a similar gesture to Namjoon, “My name is Min Yoongi and I’ll be your other music supervisor, I’ll be also working with Hoseok-ssi to create a piece for your individual performance”.

“Thank you so much, I’ll be in your care then”, Hoseok beamed, adjusting his beanie before introducing himself, “I’m Jung Hoseok but you can casually call me Hobi too, that’s my artistic name”, he explained, “I’ll be the main choreographer for the play and a professor in the dance department”.

That’s why he looked familiar! He was Hobi from Hope on the Street, the owner and founder of one of the biggest dance studios in Seoul. Jungkook had subscribed to his youtube channel and when there was a time he was obsessed with dance, he’d binge-watched every single one of his videos. His internal fanboying moment was abruptly interrupted when he heard that sweet voice again, so smooth and melodic, a bit less high-pitched than Jungkook remembered.

“It’s an honor to work with all of you”, he said with the same squeaky giggle, a sign of shyness he hadn’t lost, “My name is Park Jimin, I’ll be assisting Hoseok hyung with the choreography and I’ll be a professor in the dance department too. It’s a pleasure to meet you”, he bowed his head a couple of times to show his respect to the older men before offering a blinding smile, “Also, it’s very nice to see you again, Jungkook-ah”.

He waved at him with both hands, grinning so big Jungkook knew the older wasn’t able to see him properly even though he was facing him completely. And just like that, Jungkook was sucked in immediately, lips agape and unmoving stare fixed on that really pretty face. Watching him smile and giggle was still as breathtaking as ever and Jungkook couldn’t pull his gaze away. To his horror, he felt that familiar sensation inside him once again, belly tingling and chest squeezing.

“I was about to ask before, how do you two know each other?”, Jin asked, observing the almost palpable tension coming from Jungkook’s unblinking stare toward the oblivious Jimin. The eldest found it funny and a bit creepy to be honest, the way Jungkook who usually liked to goof around was as still as a statue.

At the TA’s silence, Jimin was the one answering.

“We’re childhood friends”, he informed and Jungkook scoffed internally at that statement, “We were neighbors back in Busan”, Jimin explained before meeting Jungkook’s eyes head-on with such a calm expression, it felt unfair to Jungkook with the chaos that had broken out inside him, “You’ve grown up a lot, Kkyu”.

“Kkyu?”, Jin questioned in a murmur.

“I don’t know”, Namjoon replied with a shrug.

A brief pause followed, everyone witnessing the way Jimin tilted his head to the unresponding Jungkook, waiting for something to snap.

“That’s great, then”, Yoongi intervened, clapping his hand once, “Jungkook here is my TA, the best apprentice Namjoon-ah and I have ever had. So we were thinking about assigning him a bigger role this time”, Jin nodded in agreement, looking like he already knew where this was going, “How about you work with Jimin-ssi here to create the piece for his individual performance?”.

With each word that came out of his hyung’s mouth, Jungkook’s eyes widened even more and for multiple reasons. This was yet the greatest responsibility his hyungs had ever trusted him with. A whole musical piece. Created only by Jungkook. To be heard. By more than just himself and his teachers. Incredulity mixed with fear and eagerness flooded his mind and after a moment of processing that main information, Jungkook opened his mouth to accept right away.

Wait.

A piece. Of his creation. For Park Jimin.

His eyes flew to the blonde guy sitting on the couch with expectancy written all over his face, shoulders hunched and arms resting on his lap, looking so tiny and frail like the boy from his past.

Jungkook blinked.

Could he do it? Could he create a musical piece for Park Jimin? Should he refuse? Can he even refuse?

“Jungkook?”, Namjoon asked, confused and worried by the younger’s hesitation, “It’s okay if you don’t want to, we don’t wanna pressure you”.

“That’s right”, Yoongi hurried to add, as concerned as the other music professor, “We offered because we thought you were ready but there’s no need to rush, kid, you’re the one who knows your own pace”.

Jungkook licked his lips, one leg bouncing around while he sent a quick glance toward Park Jimin. The expectation was gone from the older’s face and it’d been replaced by gentle understanding, the way he used to look when Jungkook stammered his words between cries of pain and frustration. He disliked it.

“I...I would…”.

“Excuse me”, a man with a broom said from the entrance, bowing once before entering the room. For a couple of seconds, the sound of glass being swept was all they listened to, “Aigoo, this is such a mess”.

It was, in fact, a mess.

“If it’s uncomfortable like this”, Jimin began to say with a calm and kind voice, getting the attention of everyone but the man cleaning the broken glass, “Would it be okay if Yoongi-ssi worked with me instead?”.

Again.

Park Jimin was drawing the line once again.

“Well, I don’t have any problem with that”, Yoongi conceded with a nod, looking at the rest to check for their opinions.

‘Isn't it because of you that he’s doing it?’.

“No”, Jungkook refused with a strained tone, glaring at a small piece of glass the man had left behind, “I’ll do it”.

Because Jungkook needed to confront this situation to finally get closure, to grow that aspect of himself that froze many years ago during the hot summer of Busan. To heal and move on just like Jimin had done.

“Great!”, Jin cheered with a proud smile, one that was pasted on Namjoon hyung and Yoongi hyung as well, “So depending on your respective schedules, I’ll organize your weekly meetings and send it to you so you can confirm whether it works for you”.

Everyone expressed their agreement before other points related to the project were touched but Jungkook struggled to keep his focus during the rest of the meeting, feeling too conscious about Jimin being so close to him. How long had it been since the last time they’d share the same space? This had only occurred in Jungkook’s dreams and nightmares, sometimes filled with nostalgic sweetness, other times with pain and sorrow. And now he was there, laughing and talking with so much normality it was almost offensive.

After an hour or so, Jin hyung finally put an end to the meeting and Jungkook bowed deeply in front of everyone before quietly excusing himself, running out of the office toward the elevators without responding to his hyungs’ yells of concern. Thankfully, the hallways were nearly empty so nobody stopped him until he was inside one of the elevators, legs giving out and falling flat on his ass, chest hurting, and glassy eyes.

How pathetic, Jeon Jungkook, 4 years, maybe 5 and he was still a complete disaster when it came to Jimin. His phone was aggressively vibrating inside his front pocket but he had no problems ignoring the little device, his masochist mind too busy replaying the images he got to see of Jimin today, like an edited video that was the compilation of Jimin’s cuts only. His pretty eyes that were accentuated into little curves every time he smiled, his tiny button nose that Jungkook used to boop whenever he could, that adorable crooked tooth that sometimes would sink into his plump lower lip and the constellation of freckles sprinkling his cute cheeks.

UGH...it only took Park Jimin one second to turn Jungkook into the biggest cheesiest sap.

He groaned, digging his face into his hands, feeling already defeated. Should he really have accepted? When he couldn’t even act normal with Park Jimin a couple of meters away? He couldn’t backtrack now, that would be childish and unprofessional. And no matter how much Jungkook liked to drink his banana milk, he was nothing of that sort.

***

So Park Jimin was not only his ‘childhood friend’, but he was his first love and heartbreak too, his eye-opening to this coming-of-age period in life, the inspiration behind his many sad songs, and his eternal crush.

He was also his babysitter.

“So you acted like that because he used to change your diapers?”, Namjoon questioned, squinting his eyes unconvinced.

“He did not change my diapers”, Jungkook objected with gritted teeth.

“There’s nothing embarrassing about that”, Yoongi continued with a huff, “Just because he got to see your little chilli pepper decades ago, it doesn’t mean that’s the only thing he sees when he talks to you”.

“If he did, it’d be worrisome”, Jin said after picking up their orders, placing a couple of iced americanos in front of Yoongi and Namjoon.

“Yah! He did not see my chili pepper either”, Jungkook grumbled, about to grab his caramel frappuccino from the tray.

“Yah? YAH?”, Jin exclaimed with indignation, pulling the plastic cup just out of his grasp, “This brat, really...I’m your hyung and you dare to say ‘Yah’ to me?”.

“Alright, I’m sorry”, Jungkook answered, making grabby hands at his drink with bouncing legs, “Won’t do it again”.

Jin rolled his eyes, huffing out while trying to hide his smirk, the younger acting cute wasn’t something that happened very often so he gave him his caramel frappuccino before taking his vanilla iced coffee while sitting down next to Yoongi.

“Anyway, he never changed my diapers”, Jungkook explained with exasperation, the idea of it made him feel even more embarrassed, “He used to take care of me when I was nine”, so Jungkook was big enough to know how to go to the bathroom alone, thank you.

“And?”, Namjoon asked, trying to make sense of Jungkook’s reaction to the new professor.

“And what? That’s all”, the younger answered with a practiced shrug, eyes turning around to check the board with the menu, “Look! They had grapefruit tart here. Should we try it?”, the hyungs exchanged looks because Jungkook was obviously deflecting.

“First of all, yes, we should”, Yoongi replied, resting his elbows on top of the table, “Second of all, that can’t be all”.

Jungkook stayed quiet at, drinking from the straw with his big eyes feigning ignorance. Because it really wasn’t all but he didn’t feel like sharing his once innocent crush turned into puppy love turned into a tragedy, not when he’d spent the last couple of years trying to move on. Jungkook was actually scared that once he spoke about how lovesick and later on, heartbroken, he’d been and probably still was, it’d turn into an unerasable fact that Jungkook didn’t grow up in the most important ways, that couldn’t let go of things, that he was still hurting.

Why should he burden his hyungs with such a boring story? But they wanted to know and he hesitated for a second.

“Come on, Jungkookie, we talked about this”, Jin said with an encouraging smile, softly kicking his leg under the table, “Talk to us, don’t shut down. We want to know what’s going on inside your head and see if we can help somehow”.

He put down his drink while biting his upper lip, remembering the promise made a couple of months ago during a night out at the bar when Jin hyung and Namjoon did some kind of intervention for Yoongi and Jungkook. The main reasons were their severely introverted ways and their tendency to hold everything in without sharing what they were thinking and feeling. The eldest had told them how hurt he was every time their dongsaengs would clam up, the frustration and disappointment because he felt as if they didn’t trust him.

That’s why Jungkook gave in at the end, his fingers playing with the condensation on his plastic cup. He cleared his throat, giving another sip to his frappuccino before saying just the highlights of his past with Jimin, just to give them an overall idea.

“Well, how do I start? Umm, he was my babysitter for a long time when my mom and I moved back to Busan to live with my grandma”, Jungkook began, unsure of how to refer to him: Jimin-ssi? Jimin hyung? Jimin-ah? Jungkook didn’t know if he should be formal or if he could mention him comfortably so he decided to avoid pronouncing his name, “He was always kind and fun, always taking care of me, even defending me from bullies and buying me stuff”, fixing his gaze on his plastic cup, Jungkook felt himself blush, “So yeah, my admiration became a simple crush during the rest of my childhood”.

“That’s so sweet”, Namjoon commented, covering his mouth to not show his endeared smile.

“Very cute indeed”, Yoongi nodded in approval.

“Then puberty hit me and I realized that I really, really like him, like a lot”, his shoulder hunched down, chin lowering closer to his chest, “And I went through my teenage years having, umm, thoughts and feelings proper of a very hormonal boy”, the three of his hyung snickered at the way Jungkook turned even redder, too embarrassed about his confession to glance up.

“He’s...a bit older than me”, Jungkook informed, trying to delay the moment he’d have to talk about that especially painful part, “He left Busan to receive a more diverse and proper dance training but made sure to return during breaks through all those years so it was impossible for me to get over him”, he winced at how the last part sounded almost like some dumb excuse, “Every time he came back, although I was just some gangling kid that would be too nervous to casually approach him, he’d make time for me, treating me just as he always had. And I fell so much harder”.

Seokjin rested his crossed arms on the table, showing his interest while sipping from his vanilla iced coffee.

“So he eventually became a professional dancer, a very successful one that would constantly travel overseas for months”, Jungkook didn’t notice that his leg had been anxiously bouncing for a while now, not until Namjoon lightly smack his thigh to calm him down a little, “And every time he left, I was scared that he wouldn’t come back. So as soon as I graduated high school, I confessed my feelings to him”.

Jungkook still remembered the feeling of fire inside his lungs while he ran all the way from his school to the flower shop, catching Jimin just when the other was leaving the store.

‘Jungkookie? What are you doing here?’, Jimin asked in surprise, checking his wristwatch with a confused frown, ‘Did your ceremony end already? I was about to go pick you up’.

‘Hyung, I love you’, Jungkook gasped out, as an exhale of everything that he’d been holding in. Drops of sweat were falling down his temples, heartbeat so fast it was almost inhumane, a big smile that was wrinkling his nose and the corner of his eyes made its way into his face.

Yes, Jungkook was in love.

And Jimin...he just laughed.

‘You ran all the way here to tell me that? This crazy kid’, Jimin replied with a grin, ruffling Jungkook’s messy hair with affection, ‘Hyung loves you too, *aga”.

He didn’t get it, the older didn’t get it. He misunderstood Jungkook’s love declaration and when the realization struck him, Jungkook’s smile dimmed a little. Of course, his oblivious hyung gave Jungkook’s words a different meaning but he hadn’t come this far to let his intimate confession fall into ashes.

‘No, hyung, I meant that I-’, Jungkook started to explain, cheeks blushing harder not only for how quick he’d sprinted all over there but because he felt a bit shy about having to make clear his feelings to the other in a more detailed way.

‘What a cutie, Jimin-ah’, a voice he didn’t recognize spoke up, drawing Jungkook’s attention to a guy that was standing next to his hyung, a guy that he hadn’t noticed before with his eagerness to confess. He was taller than Jungkook, handsome and slim in an elegant vibe, somehow similar to the aura that would surround Jimin. Maybe he was a dancer like his hyung, ‘Who is this little kid?’.

Jungkook tensed up, scowl settling on his face, hating the patronizing way the guy was treating him. When he glanced down at Jimin, it hurt how the older was just staring at the stranger with that pretty eye smile he’d specially reserve for Jungkook.

He hated that annoyingly handsome stranger.

‘He’s my dongsaeng, almost like my own little brother’, Jimin’s sentence felt like the last blow his heart needed to crack and suddenly, Jungkook wasn’t listening anymore. He just turned around and ran away, attempting to escape fast enough to leave the ache behind, ‘Jungkook? Jungkook, wait!’.

The fact Jimin was following him didn’t comfort him at all. He wanted to be alone and scream his pain out, but he couldn’t. Only pathetic whimpers and gasps were coming out as if he was some kicked puppy, too injured to do nothing but run. It didn’t matter though, Jungkook was faster and as long as he kept running, Jimin would never catch him and hurt him again.

Did he ever stop running?

“Jungkookie?”, Yoongi asked with overflowing softness, a foot nudging his calf, a hand squeezing his shoulder.

Jungkook’s eyes were burning so he tilted his chin up and glanced at the ceiling in hopes of the tears crawling back inside his respective ducts. He huffed out, rubbing one hand against his chest in some kind of self-comforting gesture, trying to scrub the heart-wrenching feeling away.

“So he rejected you?”, Jin questioned in a low volume, his tone gentle and sympathetic, “I’m sorry, Jungkook-ah”.

It was better to leave it like that, enough information to explain his weird behavior at that meeting. Grabbing his frappuccino, Jungkook sipped from his cup with an absent-minded expression, focusing on keeping his mind blank. He didn’t want any more flashbacks breaking in, not when he was in the middle of a coffee shop surrounded by his worried hyungs.

So he sniffed and cleared his throat before changing the topic, “When do the rehearsals start? The students seemed a lot more excited this time”.

Jin perked up at the mention of the project, “Yes! You should’ve seen the auditions, it took me days to go through every candidate. Initially, I thought it was because the information of the two new professors participating had been leaked but at the end, it was all because of this idol that was auditioning too”.

“An idol? Which one?”, Namjoon asked with curiosity.

“Ugh, I don’t remember his stage number”, Jin replied with a frown, “Anyway, he was actually pretty good so I cast him as the lead and suddenly everyone wants to have a role in the play now”, he said, rolling his eyes and gaining some chuckles from the rest, “I’m serious! It’s not funny how many of his fans had contacted me, begging me for a chance to let them meet their idol. It’s driving me nuts!”, he shook his head, face red with wrath that only caused even more laughter between his dongsaengs, “I swear if I see that kid’s face one more time, I ought to-”.

“Director!”.

“For fuck’s sake”, Jin groaned, closing his eyes with a tired sigh, “Speaking of the devil”.

Jungkook looked over his shoulder toward the entrance to see two figures approaching them while waving their hands. One was Hoseok-ssi, dressed in comfortable clothes and sneakers, the other was a tall guy who had his head wrapped like a mummy, a black mask covering the lower half of his face and some dark glasses hiding his eyes, a big bucket hat concealing his hair. Now that looked suspicious.

“These are the music supervisors for the play”, Hoseok informed the guy, who bowed to show respect, “We’re just dropping by for some drinks before going to class”.

“Would you like to eat something? I can invite you whatever you want”, the guy said, his voice so deep, Jungkook felt a bit jealous of his low range.

“Oh, don’t wo-”, Yoongi began to reply, slightly shaking his cup of iced americano in the air.

“Well, if you insist, I heard they have great grapefruit tarts here”, Jin answered with a nonchalant laugh but Namjoon hyung stepped on his foot in a warning so the eldest rushed to add, “It’s a shame I’m so full now. Maybe another time”.

“Of course”, the guy trailed off with a chuckle of his own, “Then we won’t interrupt you anymore. It was nice meeting you all”, he said in a friendly tone, bowing again before walking off toward the counter with Hoseok, “Oh”.

Jungkook listened to the guy exclaim a couple of steps away from their table and weirdly enough, the guy was backtracking toward them again, “Jeon Jungkook?”, he asked in pleasant surprise, taking off his glasses to reveal a pair of big eyes.

His hyungs looked between both of them with confused expressions, waiting for Jungkook’s reaction, but honestly, he was as bewildered as they were. The guy rolled his eyes as if it was Jungkook’s fault for not being able to identify a masked man. He pulled his hat off too and then he proceeded to unhooked one of the elastic cords of his mask to show his bare face.

“It’s me! Kim Taehyung!”, he exclaimed a bit too loud, people around the coffee shop turning around to focus on them, some murmuring and squealing, others with their phones already up and aimed at the guy, “Oops”.

Hoseok pursed his lips, eyes frantically scanning their surroundings and when the first girl stood up, he forced the hat on top of Taehyung’s head once again, “Go wait outside and put on your face mask again”, the man ordered with a sigh, grabbing the guy by the shoulders and guiding him toward the door, “Excuse us, everyone! We let you enjoy the rest of your day, please, V hopes you can respect his privacy. Thank you”, Hoseok yelled toward all the clients with a friendly smile, his message making Taehyung’s fans sit back down with conflicted expressions, not wanting their idol to feel disappointed in them.

“You know V-ssi too?”, Jin asked with wide eyes, the rest of his hyungs looking as shocked as the eldest.

“Ah, yeah”, Jungkook touched his hair, feeling a bit uncomfortable with the current circumstances. He hadn’t expected to see Kim Taehyung either and the truth was that even though he never had a fight with the guy, when Jungkook cut off Jimin from his life years ago, he also did the same thing to the other man, knowing Taehyung was just too close to Jimin for Jungkook to feel at ease, “He’s Park Jimin’s best friend”.

A knock on the window right on Jungkook’s side startled everyone. Kim Taehyung waved at them before pointing at Jungkook with one finger then gesturing to him to come outside. When their hyungs signaled at the younger with confused expressions, Taehyung showed them a thumbs up while nodding frantically his confirmation that yes, he wanted Jungkook to meet him out of the coffee shop.

Jungkook sipped from his frappuccino, feeling his throat dry. He forced a smile for his hyungs to calm them down before standing up and walking out of the store, Taehyung jogging toward him with his face mask down.

“Jungkook-ah!”, he said in a cheerful tone, “How have you been?”.

“Good”, Jungkook replied a bit curtly, internally wincing at his own awkward approach, “How about you, um…?”.

“You can still call me hyung, you know”, Taehyung said with a sad smile, “Things weren’t left in the best of ways between us, dude, but you don’t have to treat us like strangers”.

“Right”, was all Jungkook answered, chewing the plastic of his straw.

“And I heard from Jimin that you two would be working together”, Taehyung commented, playing with his sunglasses while glancing at the road, “Although I’m glad both of you are keeping it professional, I can’t help but worry about him, Jungkook, I don’t him to get hurt again”.

The younger’s scowl deepened after hearing the silent accusation even though he told himself that he should’ve expected it from the guy. Of course, Kim Taehyung would be concerned about his best friend more than anything but it still made him angry. It wasn’t fair to Jungkook, the way he was being treated like the one who stabbed Jimin first, especially because he’d been the one left crying in that room, calling a number that wasn’t picked up at the end.

“I don’t wanna get hurt either, hyung”, he spat with sharpness, glaring at the surprised Taehyung to make his point across, “So don't worry, I'll stay in my lane. Tell him to stay in his”, he threw his plastic cup on the trash bin with more force than needed, “And congrats for getting the role”.

As he began his way to his apartment building, Jungkook’s fury just increased. He felt wronged by the two older boys from his childhood but he should’ve guessed most people were like that. Once they get what they want, you don’t matter to them anymore, your lives together don’t matter to them anymore. Jungkook also felt angry with himself because how idiotic he could be to still react to Park Jimin like that as if the man hadn’t left him utterly heartbroken?

Stupid Kim Taehyung.

Stupid Park Jimin.

Stupid Jeon J-.

“Jungkook?”, an old man sitting on the stairs to the entrance of his building stood up as soon as he noticed Jungkook, a tentative hand raising in an awkward greeting. He looked like he was in his late 50s, maybe early 60s and although his appearance had changed a lot during almost two decades, Jungkook still remembered him, unfortunately.

So he froze for a second, face hardening while processing the situation. Why did people from his past keep popping up into his present like an unwelcome pest? The entire week, they’d been showing up nonstop, bringing painful memories with them and making him want to run away. Just when Jungkook thought he’d found his place here in Seoul with his friends, his career and his job. What did he do to deserve such a punishment?

“Jungkook”, the man repeated with firmness, giving a step toward him which ended up triggering Jungkook’s flight tendency. He was not gonna fight an elderly in the middle of the street. Balling his hands in an effort to control himself, Jungkook ran up the stairs and speed-walked directly toward the elevators, “Wait, son!”.

Jungkook couldn’t help it. He let out an ugly scoff while getting on the elevator, clicking the button to close the door several times but letting out a frustrated groan when the man pushed his arm between the doors, forcing the rest of his body in.

“Son, I just wanna talk to you, please”, the man begged in despair, voice cracking and choking with tears. Jungkook fixed his stare on the numbers showing above the doors, his foot tapping with impatience showed his eagerness to get out of there, “Please, son, please”.

A couple of calloused hands grabbed Jungkook’s cold fingers and his immediate response was to pull away, clenching his jaw to refuse doing just what the man was asking him to, no matter if they were unpleasant words, Jungkook didn’t want to accomplish any of that old man's wishes. He crossed his arms to prevent being touched again, ignoring the quiet sobs and whispered pleads to fill the elevator.

When the doors finally opened on his floor, Jungkook stomped his way toward his door, putting in his code while covering the keypad from the man’s view who had followed him down the hallway with the same petition thrown over and over again. Jungkook rushed into his apartment, closing the door behind him with a tired sigh, crumbling down on the floor and covering his ears to avoid listening to his voice.

It was long after that the hallway quieted down and the blows on his door stopped. It was even longer when Jungkook left his spot on the ground to crawl his way into his living room before laying on his back to stare at his ceiling. His head was already aching when the tears started to flow freely down his temples. He told himself life was like that.

***

Park Jimin was late, by a couple of minutes, but late nonetheless.

Taking it as a chance to call out their first meeting together as a subunit, Jungkook stood up from the bench in front of the library and started to walk toward the cafeteria, pulling out his phone to text the older that, seeing that he was obviously running late on their agreed time, they should pick another date because, well, Jungkook didn’t have all the time of the world. A mistake like this could mess up his entire schedule so for that reason only, it’d be better to put off today’s meeting.

Except that he wasn’t writing anything, eyes fixed on his blank screen.

He didn’t wanna sound like he was blaming Park Jimin -though he kind of was- but texting had always been a bit tricky for Jungkook. What if he came across as rude? It’d turn the situation impossibly awkward. Maybe he should text Jin hyung instead, surely his hyung would understand Jungkook’s position and help him out to deliver his message in a more proper way.

“Aren’t you too old to act like this?”.

Jungkook blinked when he heard Park Jimin’s voice, using that cold and intimidating tone Jungkook had seen him apply many times before. He was mad. Biting his lower lip with curiosity, Jungkook carefully approached the place from where it seemed his voice was coming from. Leaning against a wall of one of the buildings that belonged to the department of dance, Jungkook peeked around the corner with wide eyes.

“You’re here to study, not to ‘joke around’”, he said in a low menacing way, glaring holes on the foreheads of a pair of students.

Jungkook immediately recognized Jimin’s delicate figure, strongly contrasting with the taller boy that was standing right behind him, head low and almost hiding on Jimin’s back. When he noticed the two other guys standing a couple of meters away from Jimin with their hands clamped together in front of their crotches and their eyes fixed on the ground, Jungkook knew the older was admonishing them.

“Other kids would die to get into this place and yet, you dare to come here and pick on him? Don’t be pathetic like that”, Jimin added with an unyielding intensity, letting the heavy silent weigh on the two guys for a moment before stepping aside to reveal the tall guy, “Apologize to him now”.

“I’m sorry, Choi Soobin”, one of them immediately said with a strained voice, bowing once before adopting his last posture once again.

“I’m sorry, too”, the other murmured after a while, pursing his lips afterward in an obvious display of annoyance.

“Do you accept their apologies?”, Jimin questioned, gazing up at the tall guy with gentleness.

“Uh? Um, yes, professor”, Soobin confirmed, nodding with blushed cheeks while scratching the back of his neck.

“You can leave”, Jimin sternly said, watching the two guys scrambling away before focusing back on the guy, “Are you really okay?”.

“Yes, don’t worry, professor”, Soobin rushed to reply, watching how Jimin walked toward the closest vending machine that happened to be a couple of steps away, “It’s just that I went to highschool with Sangchul, the shorter one, and ever since I met him, he’s always been bullying me”, he explained with a dejected expression, shoulders sagging in defeat.

Jimin crouched down to pick up whatever he bought from the machine before approaching Soobin once again, offering him a little box of almond milk. The boy glanced at his professor with eyes widened in surprise, hand hesitating a bit whether he should accept it or not.

“Bullies are pathetic people in denial”, Jimin told him, pushing the almond milk closer to Soobin, “They always feel the need to…”.

‘Scare the rest to feel stronger’, Jungkook completed the sentence in his mind, ‘But once you take away whatever they consider as power, they realize how truly pitiful they are’.

He knew those words because Jimin used to recite them every time he would find Jungkook crying during his years in elementary school, when he was new to Busan and kids wouldn’t stop laughing at his weird way of speaking, or when they’d pick on Jungkook saying he was a fatherless bastard, child of a bad woman.

Jimin would chase down those kids first before focusing on calming Jungkook down by spouting funny nonsense or just cradling him in his arms for several minutes. Then he would clean his wounds with the utmost care, constantly trying to make him cheer up during the process. After that, Jimin would usually carry him on his front like he was some tiny baby koala, all the way to the closest convenience store to buy him ice-cream.

The older didn’t even bat an eyelash when Jungkook would stain his shirt with snot and tears, sometimes with colorful candies. He’d only hug him tighter, humming gentle tunes and tickling him when he didn’t follow suit. That was also during the time Jimin started to call him *aga and Jungkook’s admiration quickly developed into an innocent crush.

He wondered if that was exactly what was happening there.

“Just come to me if they keep bothering you, alright?”, Jimin said with a friendly smile, patting the tall guy on his arm before picking his bag from the ground and turning toward Jungkook’s direction.

Widening his eyes in the realization that Jimin was on his way to meet him because Jungkook had lost his chance of canceling the reunion for a good reason, he knew that older would catch sight of him running back toward the bench in front of the library. So instead, he pretended to walk around the corner of the building with his eyes fixed on the dark screen of his phone.

“Jungkook, hey!”, Jimin greeted him in mild surprise, “I’m sorry for being late, I was on my way there”, he explained a bit sheepishly, receiving a nod from Jungkook in response because the younger had figured that out already. There was a long awkward pause where all they did was glance around, waiting for the other to talk, “Um, I got you this”.

There were two boxes of flavored milk, were they a peace offer? Jungkook quietly picked the banana one, knowing Jimin liked the strawberry better. He nodded his head in a thankful gesture before touching his hair while searching for something to say.

“Do you wanna go to my office? Or do you prefer to go somewhere else?”, Jimin casually asked, shaking his drink before stabbing the plastic straw.

“Your office is fine”, Jungkook replied, trying to go for a more professional setting that would encourage him to not skip the meeting with some lame excuse.

Jimin’s office was white like any other, with black metallic shelves and a desk made of dark wood. There was a couple of comfy chairs in front of the desk and some boxes were thrown messily around the room, “Sorry, I haven’t organized my stuff yet”, Jimin said, leaving his bag on top of the desk before signaling to one of the chairs, “Please, feel free to sit”.

Jungkook sat on the chair, watching Jimin pull out of a drawer a snack made of sweet potatoes. He opened the bag, placing it on the desk, right in front of Jungkook almost mechanically. Then he went around the table to settle on the chair next to Jungkook, “Let’s begin”.

Grabbing his notepad and a pen out of his bag, Jungkook decided to start from the more basic point, “We need to determine the concept you want to go for”, he explained, making a conscious effort avoid meeting Jimin’s eyes, “Something specific you want to express through your performance”.

“Well, I was actually thinking about going with a dark concept”, Jimin replied, visibly surprising Jungkook, “What? It can’t be?”.

It could. It’s just that the younger hadn’t expected that answer from him at all because the Jimin he used to know didn’t like those types of themes, saying once that they tended to heavily influence his headspace and his day-to-day behavior. Even during their younger days together, Jungkook himself got to witness Jimin going through hard times due to some project of the moment that carried a very negative emotion in particular.

“No, it’s okay”, Jungkook said, scribbling the word DARK on his notepad, wondering why would Jimin willingly select a dark concept when he knew they usually had a terrible effect on him, “The range is very wide so what exactly would you like to portray?”.

“Hopelessness”, Jimin responded a beat later, something in his tone drawing Jungkook’s complete attention to the man, forgetting his efforts of not staring and finding that the older was gazing right over Jungkook’s shoulder, eyes fixed with an impassive expression on the window, “But not so much in a sad way”, he added slowly, almost in a trance, “I want the song to focus on despair and pain, something that would truly twist my insides, you know?”.

Jungkook frowned with concern not only at the fact that Jimin was requesting a pretty dark concept to interpret, but the way he expressed his request felt alarming to the younger. It sounded like he was asking Jungkook to make it hurt and although they didn’t end things in the best of ways, Jungkook didn’t want to use his own creations to harm others. It didn't matter that the man in question was the one who hurt him in the first place.

“You think you can do it?”, Jimin suddenly asked, eyes snapping back to Jungkook. There was an underlying sense of challenge as the older studied Jungkook’s face, his head tilted in a coy manner.

His tongue poked the inside of his cheek in annoyance toward Jimin who was blatantly questioning Jungkook’s skill, though he could’ve seen that happening since he was nothing like Yoongi and Namjoon, Jungkook was just a TA for now but it always irked him when people wouldn’t take him seriously. There was also something else bothering him, the fact that he was feeling worried about Jimin’s decision and his overall wellbeing. It was no longer his business, yet Jungkook's immediate reaction was one of concern, one of someone who wanted to offer comfort and delve deeper into the subject.

One of someone who cared.

“I’ll see what I can do”, Jungkook answered, putting his notepad back into his bag before standing up abruptly, “I think it’s enough for today”, he said, needing to physically distance himself from Jimin and his way of dragging Jungkook back with a simple gaze, “I’ll be going then”.

He left before listening to Jimin’s farewell, marching out of the building and deciding he could handle the rest of the workload at home.

Biting the cuticle of his thumb, Jungkook stormed his way toward the back entrance of the university, too busy thinking to notice some of the students greeting him on the way. His mind was still in Jimin’s office, replaying that cold crazed look the older had in his eyes as if he was absent from the meeting when he made his request like he wasn’t seeing Jungkook anymore. Although Jungkook didn’t want to accept his desire to know whatever that was going on with Park Jimin, deep down he was aware that it wasn’t only curiosity that was messing up with his head.

“Jungkook!”, someone appeared in front of him, snapping him back from his thoughts.

When he realized who it was, Jungkook’s surprise was replaced with something curter and closed off. He walked around him, rushing his steps with a renewed need to escape.

“Jungkook, wait!”.

How did he know Jungkook was gonna be there? The only answer Jungkook could come up with was that the old man must’ve been stalking him. That or Jungkook’s mom had told him about his workplace. But that was impossible because his mom hated that man’s guts even more than Jungkook, understandably so.

“Jungkook, please!”.

He quickened his stomps, not wanting to form part of some scandalous scene. But the man was persistent, running after Jungkook while yelling out loud his pleads. Annoying. Everyone was being annoying today. He needed to get out of there now.

Nearing the parking lot, Jungkook recognized a familiar figure unlocking his car before climbing in and without giving it a second thought, Jungkook ran toward the vehicle, opened the passenger door, settled down in a swift and quiet move to finally closing the door, pressing the button that automatically locked him inside, just in time before the man arrived next to the car and started to bang on the window with his weakened fists.

“Jungkook?”, Jimin asked in surprise, the upper parts of his body turned completely toward the younger even with the seat belt digging uncomfortably into the side of his neck.

It could’ve been the fact that there was an old man knocking on his window car or that he noticed something was wrong with Jungkook’s whole demeanor because he was Jimin -and Jimin always seemed to know- but he didn’t say anything else, igniting the car and driving out of the parking lot, leaving behind the monster of Jungkook’s childhood.

Jungkook stayed still in the passenger side, hands clenching the seatbelt he couldn’t remember buckling up. His eyes were staring absentmindedly at the road in front of them but he wasn’t really paying attention. He was too focused on keeping it together, knowing that if he let his guards down, he was gonna crumble again.

If Jimin had the power to drag him around, sucking him in like some sort of beautiful vortex; that old man was a wrecking ball that would always make him feel like he was falling apart all over again. He hadn’t seen him since Jungkook and his mom left Seoul a decade and a half ago, looking for shelter under his maternal grandma’s ceiling back there in Busan. It took time, effort and lots of positive feelings and experiences for Jungkook to stop being afraid all the time. Now, that old man was searching for him and bringing back terrors Jungkook thought he’d buried long ago.

Jimin braked abruptly, Jungkook’s body leaning in before hitting the backseat again with a gasp.

“Sorry”, the older murmured while Jungkook blinked his shock away.

There was a dog in the middle of the road that dashed away when the driver of the car next to them honked at the animal, spooking it and Jungkook with the loud klaxon. He realized then that the sun was already setting and he wondered in a panic how long he had been spacing out.

“I’m so sorry”, Jungkook rushed to say, feeling his cheeks burn as he remembered the rude way he’d just climbed into Jimin’s car, “How long have you been driving?”, he asked with a wince, glancing through the window.

“Hmm, almost two hours?”, Jimin answered in a light tone, no sign of annoyance or curiosity in it.

“Oh”, Jungkook bit his lower lip while his fingers played with the zipper of his bag, not recognizing any of the street names they were going through, “Do you know where we are?”.

“No”.

“What?”, Jungkook turned around at that, the scowl back on his confused face, “What do you mean you don’t?”.

Jimin shrugged, ignoring the way Jungkook was looking at him in disbelief, “It seemed like you needed some time and distance as soon as possible so I just kept driving”.

Jungkook didn’t know what to say, couldn’t grasp the idea of Jimin driving for nearly two hours just because he thought it’d help Jungkook somehow. They had even gotten lost! The younger felt a lick of guilt and something else nudging the hunting, darker thoughts away. Instead, he started to think about how to repay Jimin's favor in a more impersonal way.

“Are you okay?”, Jimin softly asked, glancing at Jungkook for a second before returning his focus on the road ahead.

“Yes. I‘m sorry for making you drive me around”, Jungkook replied, sheepishly touching his hair, “And also, thank you”.

“It’s okay. I needed a moment too”, Jimin said, glancing carefully over his shoulder and back to the front repeatedly as he parked his car. When it was done, he killed the engine and turned toward Jungkook with an inviting smile, “Wanna get ice-cream?”.

It was all the same. Those eyes, that smile, his voice.

‘Wanna get ice-cream?’, Jimin would ask while drying off Jungkook’s tears with his thumbs, cupping his cheeks and squeezing them to call his attention, ‘Oh, aga, it’s okay, hyung is here now’, he’d say while lifting Jungkook from the ground, hugging him tight to his chest when the boy’s face would wrinkle in pain and fear, ‘Come on, I’ll buy you an expensive one, yeah?’.

Jungkook nodded dumbly at Jimin, a bit lost in his memories of the older. He watched him get out of the car and decided to follow suit, closing the passenger door and hearing Jimin locking it. They walked for less than a minute to Baskin Robbins, a big difference from the cheap ice-creams Jimin used to buy from the convenience store. After ordering, Jimin made sure to be the one paying, alleging that he was the one who invited Jungkook in the first place and maybe it was due to this nostalgic feeling Jungkook was experiencing, but he let Jimin pay for him without putting much resistance and murmuring a shy ‘thank you’ instead.

They got their respective orders, taking seats far from the entrance, “It’s really good”, Jimin commented with a pleased hum, sucking from his plastic spoon before eyeing Jungkook’s ice cream with a smile, “You still like green tea flavor a lot”, Jungkook nodded while blowing his ice-cream, stuffing his face with enough of it to make his headache, “Wanna try mine?”.

Jungkook went cross-eyed when Jimin got his spoon right in front of the younger’s nose. He wanted to accept because a) he hadn’t tried the New York Cheesecake flavor yet and b) it’d be an indirect kiss with the way Jimin had sucked his spoon. But he also wanted to refuse because a) it’d be an indirect kiss with Jimin and b) Jungkook knew he wouldn’t be able to act casual about it.

“Here”, Jimin said, offering him his cup of ice-cream before eating from his own spoon. Jungkook tried to not show his disappointment and relief so obviously, taking a bit from Jimin’s cup, “I was thinking we could continue our meeting here. I feel like it ended too quickly, don’t you? I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable with my request”.

“No, it was my fault”, Jungkook replied, ashamed of his inexperience when he realized he’d cut the meeting too short due to his own annoyance toward Jimin and himself, “I’ve never done something like this before so I’m not really sure of how it’s supposed to go”.

“To be honest, I’ve never worked with a producer to come up with an exclusive song for my individual performance so I can’t really guide you in this”, Jimin said with a sheepish grin, “But I’m glad you’re the one in charge”.

“Why?”, Jungkook pursed his lips as soon as the words were spilled. It was probably an empty compliment yet he wanted some sort of confirmation, “You suggested working with Yoongi hyung”, he added in an attempt to make his question have sense.

Jimin tilted his head, eyes studying Jungkook’s face in complete silence, “I did that because I thought I was making you uncomfortable”, he ended up replying, giving him an amused smirk, “Was I?”.

Jungkook’s leg started to bounce around as he played with the ice-cream in his cup, “Yes”, he glanced to the side before looking at Jimin to avoid rolling his eyes, some sort of sad mocking smile appearing in his face. So much for acting professionally, “You know things didn’t end well between us”.

That was the first time since they’d reencountered that Jungkook saw Jimin forced a smile, hard and cold in the corners of his lips, “I’m aware”, it’s all he said and suddenly Jungkook felt angry and hurt all over again, and he couldn’t understand why. Jimin was his past. It shouldn’t matter what the older did, it shouldn’t ache him like this, “Jungkook, listen”.

Jungkook stared at Jimin, balled hands on top of the table as he waited for whatever the other was about to say.

“Making this song is gonna be a very intimate process for me”, Jungkook deflated a bit, this was clearly not the topic he wanted to hear about, “And I know that it’d be a lot easier for you if I just told you what I wish the song to represent”, Jimin gazed up from his lap to meet Jungkook’s eyes, calm and firm as he spoke, “But for that to happen, I need to be able to trust you”.

Jungkook’s eyes widened in surprise because what was going on with the older that demanded such secrecy. His second reaction was to squint in furious incredulity because how dared Jimin to say that when the one who broke the trust between them was him. There was nothing more that Jungkook wanted right at that instant than to explode but he swallowed the grenade in his mouth and with knuckles as white as paper, he forced himself to close his eyes and inhale deeply.

This was work-related, he repeated in his mind like a prayer. Making a song for Jimin was the first individual project Yoongi had assigned him and he wasn’t going to fuck it up by mixing in personal feelings. The song was about Jimin and Jungkook should just create something that could truly transmit what Jimin wanted.

It shouldn't matter how Jungkook felt like a band-aid had been ripped from a fresh wound, leaving it unprotected to let it fester.

Instead, Jungkook sucked it up before finally nodding in a show of understanding, “What can I do to help?”.

“You can start by calling me hyung again”, Jimin began to say, stabbing his ice-cream with his spoon, “You could be less formal with me too”, he continued with a tiny smile like he didn’t notice the way Jungkook was internally fuming, “And I’ve seen that our schedules match every day, except for Monday and Wednesday”, Jimin played with his spoon, biting his lower lip with hesitation, “So I was thinking we could eat together as much as possible. If you don’t mind, of course”.

Jungkook wanted to refuse the last petition because why would that help at all? But then he remembered that this was work-related and if stuffing his face in front of Jimin a couple of times would get the older to open up more comfortably with Jungkook, then how hard could it be? It was just sharing a table while eating, Jungkook could do this much for the creation of a good song. Nothing to fear, it was all work-related.

“Alright”, he answered a bit awkwardly before adding a bit hesitant “Hyung” at the end.

But then Jimin gave him that disarming smile, so wide and sincere after hearing Jungkook calling him hyung that he had to pinch his thigh hard enough to make himself wince in pain, not wanting to gawk at Jimin like some poor enamored guy.

This was work-related.

***

Jungkook just ate a big spoon of his rice with pieces of bulgogi when the noise inside the cafeteria increased so much, it alarmed him a bit. With both of his cheeks stuffed with rice and meat, he started to munch on a strip of his pa kimchi. He watched curiously at the entrance of the cafeteria when a familiar figure walked in, glancing around like he was searching for someone.

Jimin lifted his tinted glasses to adjust them on top of his fluffy hair, his pretty eyes curled happily when he found Jungkook. The older guy waved at him excitedly and Jungkook, with a long strip of green onion hanging from his puckered lips, returned the gesture in a daze because why was Jimin dressed like that?

Jimin pointed toward the line of people picking their lunch and Jungkook nodded, fighting to keep his focus on Jimin’s face only, but he lost the battle as soon as the older turned around and suddenly, Jimin’s long legs dressed in those tight black pants were all he could see, how they prettily shaped his slim calves but strong thighs. Also, he couldn’t help but notice that the hem of his large shirt had gotten stuck a bit on his lower back, curving around the silhouette of his ass, a very very nice ass. The shirt was loose enough that he couldn’t really see Jimin’s lean but toned torso though when the older started to walk toward Jungkook’s direction, he got to appreciate his delicate clavicle and long neck.

“Are you eating ramyun?”, Jimin asked with an amused glint in his eyes while sitting down right in front of him.

Jungkook blinked, his blank expression lacking any reaction to Jimin’s words, he was too busy looking at the mole on the side of his neck.

“Jungkook?”.

“Huh?”.

“Your kimchi is hanging”.

Feeling himself blush, Jungkook slurped his strip of green onion like it was some kind of noodle and chewed it almost aggressively with the rest of the food inside his cheeks. He heard Jimin giggle but didn't dare to look up until a pair of chopsticks placing beans on top of his rice appeared in his sight.

“Ah, are you still a picky eater?”, his question sounded almost reproachful and not because Jungkook didn’t like beans, he actually could eat anything, but Jimin would always give him things he didn’t like, “You should eat all your food instead of throwing it into my plate”.

Jimin scrunched up his nose in disgust, “I’m not throwing anything”, he objected with a coy grin, picking two pieces of meat from Jungkook’s plate, “It’s called trading, see?”.

Jungkook huffed out in annoyance but he didn’t stop him.

“Ommo, did I just witness Jungkook giving out his food?”, Namjoon exclaimed in surprise while sitting down next to Jimin with his own tray, “And meat, above all”.

“And smiling like an idiot afterward?”, Jin continued with a gasp, taking a seat in front of Namjoon.

Jungkook glared at the eldest because he definitely wasn’t smiling, otherwise, he would’ve noticed. In revenge, Jungkook took a bit of Jin’s bulgogi, ignoring his indignant yell and making a big show of eating it with an over-exaggerated pleased expression.

“By the way, Jimin, were you in class right before lunch?”, Namjoon casually questioned, eating a spoon of his rice without really glancing up.

‘When did they decide to drop the formalities?’, Jungkook thought, but it didn’t mean that it was a bad thing since all of them were a team for the production of the show.

“Oh, yeah, I didn’t get to change my clothes. Do I smell like sweat?”, Jimin answered shyly, sniffing his shirt in a not so subtle way.

‘No’.

“No”, Namjoon quickly said, eating a bit of his soup and not realizing the unreadable looks he got from the ones sitting in front of them, “It's just that I think I passed by your classroom. I was gonna give an USB file to Jackson, another dance professor, but he was with a bunch of teachers and students, crowding outside the doors of your studio”.

“Really? Why?”, Jimin asked with a confused frown, chewing a bit of his pa kimchi before putting some more of his beans on Jungkook’s plate.

“I don’t know”, Namjoon replied with a shrug, mixing a bit of his rice with his soup, “I wondered the same thing but Jackson only said that they all wanted to get a glimpse of you”.

“Aigoo, Jimin-ah, isn’t it obvious? They wanted to see you dancing”, Jin commented while pointing at him with his chopsticks, “You are pretty famous in the artistic world, especially in the dancing field”.

“But I didn’t really dance much today”, Jimin told him, gazing at the ceiling of the cafeteria as if he was remembering what he did during his class a couple of minutes ago, “I mostly did warm-ups and stretching techniques”.

Jungkook choked on a bean, thinking about Jimin stretching with those tight pants. The image of his hyung casually raising his long leg in a straight line parallel to his own cute face to show his flexibility or the way he would do a middle split while bending over with a straight back, if his rear was facing the doors, he kind of knew why there was an audience glued to them.

He’d seen Jimin doing different positions multiple times during Jungkook’s teenage years, a source of many awkward boners that the younger would struggle to hide from Jimin.

“Yah, what’s wrong with you?”, Jin asked while slapping Jungkook’s back, the younger coughing nonstop, “Namjoon, water!”.

With his mouth full of food, Namjoon stood up to run and get Jungkook something to drink. Jimin grabbed his bowl of soup, blowing over the brim in an attempt to reduce the heat before leaning over the table and offering it to Jungkook so he could swallow some needed liquid. The broth calmed the itchy feeling in his throat for a couple of seconds, but then Jungkook caught sight of Jimin’s elegant collarbone and the way his shirt was loose and low enough to reveal a bit of his pecs.

And Jungkook combusted.

He snorted so hard, soup came out of his nose, sprinkling drops of broth all over Jimin who blinked in surprise, lowering the bowl slowly toward the surface of the table. Suddenly, he realized that people around them were watching the scene in silence until Jin hyung crackled up so loud the rest of the cafeteria focused on them as well.

Jungkook pursed his lips, mentally cursing himself and Jin hyung with all the new swear words he'd learned from sleep-talking Yoongi. His face was burning and not because of the hot soup, feeling everyone staring at him and murmuring things he’d rather not hear. They probably thought that what he did was disgusting -because it was- but it was an accident, he didn’t mean to make a mess.

“I’m sorry, Kkyu”, Jimin said with a worried expression, dabbing napkins on Jungkook’s chin to wipe the broth from his skin, “It must’ve been too hot, right? I’m really sorry”.

Jungkook observed Jimin’s face, his sad pout and the drops of salty liquid hanging from his pretty lashes, eyes focused on Jungkook’s mouth as he cleaned him with delicate pressure, not really noticing or caring for the stains on his own cheeks. And he looked so regretful while doing all this fussing that Jungkook wondered why it was so easy for Jimin to apologize now in front of these strangers for doing nothing wrong, but so hard to do the same when they were alone and about a wound he’d caused years ago.

“Hyung…”, he whispered, waiting for Jimin to glance up before saying “Stop”.

Jimin recoiled, hurt flashing through his face as he pulled away, it was short and almost invisible but Jungkook saw it and he didn’t like it at all. Jimin sat down, wiping his own face with a couple of napkins just as Namjoon arrived with a bottle of juice.

At some point, Jin hyung’s laugh had died down when he sensed the tense and awkward vibe expanding around the pair like some magnetic field. Instead, he cleared his throat to call Namjoon’s attention before moving his eyeballs from one side to the other quickly, to transmit the warning sign of not speaking up. Namjoon frowned in bewilderment, not understanding Jin’s gesture and mouthing a ‘What?’ to the eldest who let out an internal scoff before sticking his tongue out and moving it from left to right a couple of times, confusing Namjoon even more.

“I said don’t talk to them! How can you be quick-witted when you can’t get this simple message?”, Jin exclaimed with frustration, finally seeing comprehension filling Namjoon’s face but then he realized what he just yelled out loud and with an uncertain wince, he warily glanced at the youngest pair.

“Aigoo, our hyung is so tactless…”, Namjoon teasingly mumbled while shaking his head in feigned disappointment, getting a glare and a silent snarl from Jin in response.

“I’ll go change”, Jimin said in a low volume, standing up and picking up his tray, “See you”, he murmured at none in particular, bowing once before leaving the cafeteria.

It took a brief moment but the cafeteria was filled with noise once again, Jin and Namjoon the only ones remaining uneasy at the brooding image of Jungkook, exchanging nervous looks between them until Namjoon cleared his throat, deciding to intervene.

“What happened, Jungkookie?”, he carefully asked, grabbing some napkins to wipe the drops of broth from the table, “When we came here, you two seemed like you were fine, then you started choking and by the time I came back, you looked...conflicted”.

Jungkook didn’t know what to say. Namjoon was right, he was conflicted. Sometimes it was easy to just act like before, being dragged into their old routine of Jimin taking care of Jungkook and always being there for him. But then he’d have these bursts of anger and resentment, a reminder triggered by any of Jimin’s words or actions popping into the front of his mind, making him remember that Jimin was not always there, that he hadn’t been there for a while now, that in the end, he had left as everybody else did.

And it hurt because Jungkook wanted an explanation and an apology, he wanted to put a closure to it and properly heal, but at the same time, he was scared of asking and finally knowing the reason why Jimin had suddenly vanished.

“Are you really that upset because he rejected you, Jungkook-ah?”, Jin questioned in a whisper, squeezing Jungkook’s shoulder in a comforting gesture that didn’t reach the younger.

No.

It wasn’t that.

On his graduation day, Jungkook ran away from Jimin and his handsome friend, ran toward the hill at the back of his school, ran toward the silly things he’d thoughtfully prepared between the bushes and the trees. He wanted to destroy them all, too cheesy to look at, made him feel sick and stupid.

His trembling hands scrambled around to hurriedly put back in the basket the plastic containers Jungkook had filled with food he’d cooked this morning before going to school, he also grabbed the bottle of pear juice that the older always picked and pushed it recklessly on top of the containers. Finally, he stood up with grass and dirt staining his knees, crumpling the picnic blanket into a ball with more strength than needed, as if he was wringing his sadness out.

‘Jungkook’, Jimin panted as he slowed down into a jog, approaching the younger with a hand on his side and the other using the trunks of the nearest trees to lean on.

‘Don’t look’, Jungkook said with his face burning from embarrassment, putting the blanket into the basket and grabbing the bouquet, keeping the flowers against his abdomen so the other wouldn’t get a glimpse of them, ‘Leave me alone’.

‘Jungkook-ah, what’s wrong? Hmm?’, Jimin rested a hand on his back and he was just too close to him, he’d see them and he’d know, ‘Are you hurt?’.

‘I said don’t look! Get lost already!’, Jungkook snapped in panic, curling into himself to cover the flowers with his body, ‘Go back to your fucking friend and leave me alone! Fuck, why are you always smothering me?’.

Jimin recoiled his hand so fast, Jungkook thought the older had felt the angry fire inside him, sipping through his skin and clothes. There was a moment of silence when Jungkook held his breath, thinking that the older would insist, sensing something was really bad with him and he pressed the bouqet tighter into his center.

‘Alright’, Jungkook blinked in confusion and relief at Jimin giving in so easily, ‘I won’t care about you anymore so do whatever you wan'”, he said in such a curt way, the sharp edge of his tone hurting Jungkook like a knife being twisted around his insides, 'Don’t bother calling me'.

Then, Jungkook heard him walk away and didn’t try to stop him. Instead, he stayed there, up in the hill, kneeling on the ground with a bunch of crushed flowers in his hands and a river of colorful petals coating his shame.

“If it bothers you that bad, I think it’d be better for you to talk it out”, Jin gently suggested, putting half of his serve of bulgogi on top of Jungkook’s plate but the younger had lost his appetite, “Not only because this thing between you two would end up affecting your teamwork, but also because it could help you find peace in a more personal level”.

Namjoon softly kicked Jungkook’s calf under the table to make him stop staring at his hands like a guilty child who had just pushed his classmates and now was being reprimanded, “I know you’re trying to focus only on work and I admire you for that, Jungkookie”, Namjoon said with a solemn expression, his seriousness making the message comforting, “But no matter how hard you try to give your all to your passion, there’s no improvement if you keep having this type of mindset”.

They were right and Jungkook knew what he needed to do, but that didn't mean his fear had reduced. If anything, he was even more scared now.

***

So scared that he wound up dreaming about the past that night or maybe it was the sound of the rain outside his apartment that dragged him into one bittersweet memory.

It was a vivid dream. He could feel the pouring rain soaking his school uniform, his drenched bangs sticking to his forehead as he cried with mud on his knees and dirty wet flowers on his hands. Jungkook cried out because he was heartbroken and regretful, he was lonely and in pain.

He shouldn’t have lashed out, not at his sweet and caring hyung. Why did he do that? Why didn’t he try to explain himself? Why did he run away? Jimin didn’t even know the reason behind Jungkook’s reaction, he wanted to help him like he always did. There was no need for Jungkook to see Jimin’s face when the younger had exploded, he could imagine it, the sadness and the hurting, and then just cold anger.

He had witnessed it, Jimin cutting off people that were mean with him or his loved ones, but Jungkook never thought he’d be one of those. No. He didn’t want to be cut off by Jimin, didn’t want to lose him like this, not now not ever.

So he scrambled to his feet, running down the hill and into the streets, his breath forming constant clouds in the air, his forearm rubbing roughly his face, too wet with tears and raindrops to be able to see clearly. His heartbeat had gone haywire, beating so hard he could feel a drumming sensation on his throat but all he could think was Jimin, Jimin, Jimin.

Jungkook needed to rush, didn’t want him going back to his friend despite what he’d told him earlier. Not yet. He wanted to find him and apologize, be sure that at least they’d stay as close friends. Only then Jungkook thought he could bear it, the idea of Jimin loving someone else in the way he wished the older would love him. The sole image tearing at his heart like some sharp knife but he decided he’d deal with that type of pain later.

Out of the blue, a sturdy shoulder hit his own with such a strength, he fell hard on his back. People walked around him like ants would do with a rock in their way but Jungkook didn’t care. He stared at the grey sky, blinking slowly in his struggle to see through the rain, a moment or two passed by as he pulled out his phone from his pocket. Dialing Jimin’s number, he quietly prayed with little hope for the other to pick up, knowing his hyung usually didn’t bother to do so when he was in a bad mood.

And he was furious right now.

It rang five times before Jimin finally picked up.

‘Hyung, I’m so sorry’, Jungkook blurted out as soon as the call connected, voice cracking with the way his sobs were wrecking his body, ‘I was wrong’.

‘I told you not to call me’, Jimin said with stern indifference, his voice and words so aloof it put out the fire inside Jungkook, spreading iciness through his body instead, hurting just as much, maybe even worse.

‘Hyung…’, Jungkook murmured so brokenly at the realization that this was it, Jimin didn’t want to hear from him anymore. The only person Jungkook had wanted him to stay yet he’d pushed away. Tears of frustration and fear welled up in his eyes and he cried as loudly as he could.

A heavy sigh was heard through the line and Jungkook’s sobs quieted down a bit. Did he imagine the sound?

‘Where are you?’, Jimin suddenly questioned with a mix of tiredness and concern.

Jungkook sat up, gasping in surprise since he'd thought Jimin had hung up. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand, looking around the sidewalk he was lying on and finding out he didn’t recognize the streets.

His lower lip trembled, another sob choking him in its way out, ‘I don’t know’, he answered with renewed tears, feeling like a little boy that was about to be abandoned by his parents. He was lost and scared, and Jimin was still mad at him, hating him.

‘Yah, Jungkook-ah, calm down’, Jimin said in a softer tone, waiting patiently for Jungkook’s sobbing to die down before speaking again, ‘Hyung will come to get you so tell me where you are’.

Jungkook sniffed a couple of times, dabbing his face with his forearm before glancing around with puffy eyes and a red nose, ‘I really don’t know where I am’, he stood up with wobbling legs, ignoring the way people was staring at him with confusion and pity, ‘I’ll take a taxi’.

Thankfully, the driver didn’t ask any questions, only turning up the volume of the radio in response, letting Jungkook cry and sob and hiccup all the way to Jimin’s house. The ride took a while due to the heavy rain and by the time he got there, Jungkook ended up paying for the taxi with more bills than necessary, but he didn’t wait for the change, coming out of the car with his swollen face.

He was turning around after closing the door when someone collided against him with so much force, Jungkook stumbled a couple of steps back, ‘Jungkook-ah!’, he recognized his scent first, then his voice and figure, and his body responded instantly, clinging to Jimin with a pitiful whimper.

‘I’m sorry, hyung, I’m so sorry’, he mumbled into Jimin’s neck, sniffing and drooling over his delicate skin, ‘I did wrong...I shouldn’t have...I’m sorry’, he couldn’t complete his sentences, so many regrets were spilling out of him and then there was this huge sense of relief when he noticed Jimin’s arms embracing him, comforting him like they always do.

‘Aigoo, it’s okay, *aga’, Jimin said in such a tender way, resting his chin on top of Jungkook’s shoulder and slightly patting with both hands his broad back, ‘It’s okay’, then he started to softly rock from side to side, moving Jungkook’s body with him in a gentle rhythm until the younger stopped crying, ‘Let’s go inside, yeah?’, Jungkook nodded but didn’t let go, clinging to Jimin’s front as if he was still that scared 9-year-old kid.

As he stepped into Jimin’s house, Jungkook hoped that his level of courage had increased with his age and size, just enough to hold a mature conversation with Jimin about why he had run away to the hill and later on, lashed out like a cornered cat.

When Jungkook woke up, the rain had stopped. He took a long shower, putting an effort into relaxing and keeping his mind blank, singing a couple of songs until he made his way into the kitchen, wearing a large shirt and a pair of comfy sweatpants. Using a towel to dry his hair, he poured some milk and cereals into his bowl before taking a seat on the couch near the window. He quietly ate spoons of his cereal with one hand while munching on the peeled banana he held in the other, his eyes sliding toward his phone next to the bowl almost like metal attracted to a magnet.

Eating the last piece of his fruit, Jungkook snatched his phone from the table and quickly typed a message to Jimin before the small boost of courage that the dream had left him would end up vanishing.

'Hyung'
'Can we talk today?'

As soon as he pressed ‘send’, he threw his cellphone toward the large sofa with a deep sigh, bouncing his legs and touching his ears with both hands in anticipation. Should he erase it? Ah, whatever. He sent it, it was done. Now it was time to wait.

He washed the dishes and did the laundry, checking his phone to make sure the volume was all the way up. It’d been more than an hour but there was no text message received, so Jungkook decided to grab his laptop and do something useful instead of anxiously chewing his lower lip off. He put on his glasses and turned on the device, figuring he could do some research about music and the feeling of hopelessness.

A lot of articles related to depression popped up and he briefly wondered if that could be Jimin’s case, but then Jungkook remembered that the older said sadness wasn’t the underlying element he wanted to convey.

‘Something that would truly twist my insides’.

Maybe sadness wasn’t the main part, but it was present and Jungkook thought about how something wasn’t the same about Jimin for sure. Like his slimmer appearance and that challenging glint -or was it distrust?- that he’d carry sometimes, one he didn’t use to have around Jungkook at all. There was also the way he’d picked a dark concept knowing he was used to getting consumed by it, not like he always did with other musical pieces, but more as if he was being chewed and spat away.

Jungkook couldn’t help but wonder if Jimin was okay, if he should create the monster that would swallow the older in body and soul, if he should give him the weapon to hurt himself. Or was Jimin already hurting?

The sound of a notification startled Jungkook who didn’t waste another second, putting his laptop aside and jumping onto his large sofa, his hands digging between the cushions for his phone.

'Sure, my class ends at 3 today'.
'Are you free then?'

Biting his lower lip, Jungkook didn’t hesitate.

'Yeah'

Another short pause and when he was about to drop his phone again, another message was received.

'Cool'
'I’ll drop by your apartment around 3 then'.

Huh? He would come in here today, like actually entering his place? Or did Jimin mean he was gonna pick him up from here? Jungkook began to type those same questions when he got a text from the older one.

'Gotta go, class starts soon'.
'Later'.

Scowling in confusion, Jungkook put down his phone. Jimin knew where his apartment was since he’d taken Jungkook home that time they escaped from that stalker older man but Jungkook didn’t invite him in, didn’t think he should. His apartment was Jungkook’s sanctuary, a place where he could recharge his introverted self without having to socialize, he rarely had people over and now Jimin was possibly going to come in.

Almost 3 hours later, after making his decent apartment look absolutely impeccable, at least a big part of it -including the kitchen, the living room, and the bathroom-, Jungkook let himself fall onto his recently-vacuumed carpet with a tired sigh, opening his eyes when he suddenly realized that this place was his apartment and if he wasn’t comfortable with Jimin being there, he didn’t have to necessarily invite him in.

“I must be stupid”, Jungkook huffed out with exasperation, aware now that he had the power to refuse Jimin’s entrance, instead, Jungkook could wait at the lobby for the older to arrive so he could take him into some coffee shop nearby or simply talk in the silence of Jimin’s car.

Why didn’t he consider that?

Jungkook stood up and walked toward his door, putting on his tennis properly before opening the door.

“Hi”.

He didn’t yell in surprise but he did jump back with a loud gasp when Jimin appeared right outside his door, his leather bag in one hand and a take-out box in the other.

“I brought jokbal”, he informed him while balancing himself on the ball of his feet. At Jungkook’s lack of response, the older tilted his head with a raised eyebrow, “Can I come in?”.

No, Jungkook wanted to say at first, but Jimin was already there and he'd gotten food on his way. It’d be terribly rude to just slam the door on his face and also pretty obvious his refusal if he were to guide Jimin out of his apartment building.

They needed a private and comfortable place to talk and there was no place that would make Jungkook feel safer and braver than his own home, his domain. Pressing his lips into thin lines, Jungkook stepped aside to let Jimin in.

As he took off his shoes, Jungkook observed how quickly Jimin got rid of his loafers and came into the kitchen to place the take-out box on top of the table. He turned around as Jungkook entered the room, putting down his leather bag and grazing his little nose with his fingertips.

“I already ate so you can have it by yourself”, Jimin explained about the random gift, a gesture of his good manners.

“I’m not hungry now”, Jungkook commented although it might be a lie there were other priorities at the moment. Besides, he didn’t think he could digest anything with how nervous he was feeling, “Um, have a seat”, he signaled toward the sofa before going to the fridge to get some bottles of juice.

“Thanks”, Jimin murmured with a meaningless grin, grabbing the pear-flavored one as he sat down.

Jungkook stared at the center table, trying to organize his thoughts while both of them simmered in the awkwardness of the moment.

“So like I told you earlier, I think we need to talk”, he started without daring to look up, interlacing his own fingers and wringing them together, “About what happened between us”, he added, glancing briefly at Jimin but lowering his gaze almost immediately when he found the older focused on him, “To be honest, I tried to pretend like nothing had happened and just be professional about this whole project but it’s been really difficult for me to act so nonchalantly like you”.

He made a pause, attempting to find the words to express himself properly.

“Even if I don’t show it, there are these emotions that surge whenever I’m with you and it’s exhausting”, he continued to explain, “I don’t want to be angry and resentful but that’s just how I feel every time we slip into our old dynamic”, even then, bringing them up made him squeeze his hands tighter, “And maybe you don’t want to fix this but I need to have some kind of closure, I need my answers so I can understand and move on from it”, he rubbed his face with his hand, trying to brush his stress away, “I know it’s a selfish request but I hope you can do this much”, he mentally winced, wishing his saltiness hadn’t been that obvious at the end.

Jimin nodded as he took in Jungkook’s words, crossing his long legs while playing with one of his many rings.

“Well, I came here because I want the same thing you do”, he said, eyes digging into the side of Jungkook’s face, “I want answers too, I want to heal and move on as well”, he inhaled deeply, as if he was preparing himself to receive a strike, “Instead of anger and resentment, I mostly feel nostalgic around you, that’s why I don’t even realize when I’m treating you like the old times and I apologize for making you uncomfortable”.

Jungkook scowled a bit at that. It was unfair that Jimin would long for the past when he was the one who destroyed what they had together.

“Of course, when you cut me off at first I did feel used and heartbroken for a while, but time passed and I poured out everything into my dancing so those feelings are almost nonexistent to me now”, Jimin said with his usual calmness, “I came into my own conclusions to give myself some peace of mind but meeting you again have revived many uncertainties”, a sad smirk appeared on his unreadable face, “I know you might think I’m unconcerned with all of this but I feel as troubled as you do, it’s just that I have years of practice masking myself to the world. It’s actually part of my job”.

His frown deepened because Jimin had said he felt heartbroken but not enough to stay by Jungkook’s side apparently. And why would he feel used? If anything, Jungkook was the one discarded without even a proper goodbye. There was a long minute of silence and Jungkook wondered if Jimin was ever going to explain himself or Jungkook needed to pull the answers out of him like teeth.

When it looked like the older wasn’t going to say anything else, Jungkook huffed out his question.

“So why did you leave?”.

“Why did you cut me off?”.

Both of them froze after asking at the same time, different questions but the same underlying feeling of accusation. They made eye contact immediately, surprise and then confusion with a tinge of incredulity.

“What? I cut you off because you left me”, Jungkook replied with bitterness, as if his reason was already implied, “I woke up and you weren’t there and it hurt so fucking much. That’s why I cut you off”, he choked out, tears starting to well upon his eyes, “So why did you leave?”.

“You cut me off for that?!”, Jimin stood up, his calm demeanor gone as he glared at Jungkook for the first time in years, “I tried to call you and message you as soon as I was able to”, he said with angry frustration, giving a couple of steps toward Jungkook, “I bet you don’t know even how hard I tried to contact you! I still recall your old phone number until now with how many times I dialed it back then but you never picked up and it was all just for that?”.

Jungkook raised to his feet, completely offended now, “What do you mean with ‘just for that’? Hyung, I woke up and you were gone, I also called a hundred times but you never answered. You left for the tour without discussing it with me first. Fuck, you didn’t even say goodbye, even a scribbled note would’ve meant something”, he scoffed at the confusion adding up to the furious expression Jimin had on, “Why? You thought I wouldn’t understand your job? That I wouldn't let you go? That I’d cling to you like some needy baby? ”.

Jimin grabbed his own hair with an exasperated grunt, appearing more bewildered with each question Jungkook delivered.

“What are you even talking about? I never went on that stupid tour!”, he yelled in response, uncaring of Jungkook’s neighbors, “I had to leave for an emergency, I needed to rush out because my brother was in a car accident”.

Huh?

“You don’t have a brother though…”, Jungkook murmured in a daze, feeling like the air had been punched out of his lungs.

“I think I know my family well enough”, Jimin snapped with venom, his breathing accelerated with wrath, “So yeah, sorry for not having time to write a fucking note”, he spat out, walking past Jungkook to pick up his bag before going straight to the main door with an unrelenting pace, “I couldn’t contact you right away because my dad needed me and then she didn’t survive so everything got so much worse”, Jimin said while putting on his loafers before turning around to meet Jungkook’s gaze with so much pain and disappointment, “I had to take care of everything by myself but you wouldn’t know that, right? Because you cut me off without giving me a chance to explain”.

And then Jimin left, slamming the door and shaking more than just the windows of the apartment. Jungkook dropped to the floor, the lightness he’d expected to feel after getting his answers never appeared. Instead another feeling was weighing him down, dragging him to the darkest parts of his mind.

It tasted like guilt, acrid and dense, mixed with a different type of pain that wouldn’t let him breathe properly.

***

Jimin was drying Jungkook’s hair with a towel after the other came out of the shower, dressed in some of the clothes he would always leave behind after sleeping over. There was nothing but silence that was interrupted by the sound of Jungkook sniffing sadly while munching on the chocolate bar Jimin had given him before going to take a quick shower himself.

Now both of them were clean and warm, sitting on the large sofa with the rain still pouring outside. When Jimin deemed that he’d done as much as possible to dry Jungkook’s hair with a towel, he put the cloth aside. He pulled away a bit to sit cross-legged, waiting patiently for Jungkook to speak up when he felt comfortable enough.

‘I’m sorry, hyung’, Jungkook croaked out, his voice raspy, ‘I shouldn’t have exploded like that, you didn’t deserve it and I didn’t mean any of it’, he said with regret, picking the peach fuzz off his face, ‘I don’t think you smother me at all, I’m just very shy so sometimes it looks like I don’t like it but I do, I swear I do’.

Slight amusement flashed briefly in Jimin’s face at the earnest expression the younger had on, before giving out an endeared sigh while ruffling Jungkook’s hair.

‘Then why did you run away? Why were you so mad?’, Jimin asked with gentle concern, dropping his hand back to his lap, ‘Hmm?’.

Jungkook licked his lower lip, tasting the mint flavor of the chocolate. Hyung didn’t like it but he always kept some around his house because he knew Jungkook loved the refreshing test. Those little gestures had been part of the reason Jungkook’s crush had developed into something so much stronger.

His eyes slid to the center table, catching sight of the ruined bouquet that Jungkook had unconsciously carried all the way there, clutched in his hand as if his life depended on it. It might be too naive of him but Jungkook thought that maybe it was a sign that he wasn’t ready to let go, didn’t want to let go.

Originally, Jungkook had gone there to apologize properly, invent some lame excuse about his behavior and then remain deeply and one-sidedly in love with Jimin in a clandestine way. But Jungkook didn’t want to lie anymore, he didn't want to hide what he felt anymore.

So he took a chance and leaped.

‘Hyung, I know they look mauled but can you recognize them?’, he asked with a tingling sensation blooming inside his belly, rising like bubbles of a fizzy drink.

He knew Jimin, as the son of a flower shop owner, could easily identify those orange petals and dark spots tainting their delicate surfaces so he kind of expected that nod of confirmation Jimin gave him.

‘They are for you’, Jungkook shyly informed with his cheeks starting to blush, grabbing the bouquet from the table and offering it to Jimin with a sheepish wince, ‘Do you know what they mean?’.

His eyes widened with eager anticipation as he waited for Jimin’s response, heart hammering inside his ribcage so aggressively as if his body thought he’d just run a marathon.

‘Of course I do, I was there when my dad told you about them’, Jimin replied with a confused giggle, lightly pushing Jungkook’s shoulder in an attempt to make the younger relax a bit. It usually worked, not this time though, ‘Please, love me, isn’t it?’.

Although he knew Jimin was just answering his question, hearing that sweet request from him melted Jungkook’s insides as nothing else could. It made him hold his breath like someone who was diving in for the first time, seeing the light and the colors underwater popping into life.

‘But why are they for me if you're the one who graduated today?’, Jimin questioned with a pleased chuckle, accepting the bouquet with an oblivious expression of glee.

Was it surprising that he didn’t get it? Swallowing his endeared sigh of frustration, Jungkook guessed he would have to confess for a second time.

‘Hyung’, he softly called, drawing Jimin’s attention from the bouquet he was sniffing with a pretty smile on, ‘I love you’, he declared with conviction and sincerity but also sounding completely enamored to his own ears.

His grin stayed as he slightly frowned in confusion, tilting his head to the side and making his earring dangle a bit.

‘I know that’, he said, rubbing Jungkook’s ear with affection.

He did?

‘And like I told you before, hyung loves you too’, Jimin continued with a cheerful tone, ignoring the way Jungkook was about to implode from the frustration, ‘But what does this have to do with you running away?’.

Was he doing it on purpose? Was he deflecting somehow to avoid hurting Jungkook?

‘No, hyung, you don’t get it’, Jungkook huffed out, glancing up at the ceiling feeling exasperated but not defeated, ‘I love you in the way only lovers do’.

Jimin froze immediately after hearing that, his warm fingers glued to the curve of Jungkook’s ear, unmobile just like the rest of him.

‘What?’.

‘I love you so much it feels like I’m about to burst into pieces like I can’t keep myself together around you at all because it just keeps overflowing’, Jungkook blurted out, an open lid he couldn’t close again, ‘And sometimes it’s hard to breathe but I don’t really care because all I can think about is you’.

Jimin was shocked, his mouth agape as he stared at Jungkook as if the younger was some stranger. The silence was making it unbearable for Jungkook to stay calm, waiting for the other to say something, anything.

‘Jungkook-ah, I’m grateful that you feel like that for me’, Jimin began to say with a careful voice, resting a hand on top of Jungkook’s knee, ‘But you have to understand that this is a little bit weird for hyung’, when Jimin saw him opening his mouth to protest, he rushed to explain, ‘I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I mean, I’ve been babysitting you since you were nine and I hadn’t thought about you like that even once’.

Jungkook couldn’t help but deflate with the comment. Did Jimin only see him as his dongsaeng?

‘So you don’t like me?’, he murmured, looking dejected at his fingers.

‘I do, *aga’, Jimin assured him, squeezing his hand in an attempt to comfort him, ‘Just not like that’.

The sadness was evident in Jungkook’s face, especially when his eyes started to hurt with the pressure of his unshed tears. He didn’t want to cry again but the pain of being rejected was too much for him to act like it didn’t hurt. Clawing at the fabric of his pants, he bit his lower lip to stop the pitiful whimpers from coming out as the first tears fell on the backs of his hands.

‘Don’t cry, Kkyu, hyung is not worth your tears’, Jimin said, caressing Jungkook’s hair, ‘Why do you even like me?’.

Jungkook inhaled deeply to calm himself a bit yet his voice still cracked, ‘You’re nice...and c-charming...so pretty’, he replied, cleaning with his sleeve the snot on his philtrum, ‘A-and you give me food too’.

Jimin chuckled lightly at the last part, using the towel to gently dab at Jungkook’s cheeks, ‘Aigoo, that’s because you’re my dongsaeng’, he cleared his throat, getting closer to Jungkook, ‘To be honest, I’m a little different when I’m dating someone, you wouldn't like me at all’, Jimin whispered as if it was some kind of secret.

To Jungkook, it was a great suggestion.

‘Let’s date then’, Jungkook said with determination and awe, like he couldn’t believe he’d come up with such a good idea but he was ready to go through with it, turning to stare at Jimin so fast, the action startled the older guy.

‘What?’, Jimin slowly uttered, one of his hands dropping from its place on Jungkook’s hair and the other loosening his grip on Jungkook’s fingers.

‘Let’s date, hyung’, Jungkook repeated instantly, his eyes widening with eagerness and enthusiasm as he leaned closer to Jimin, ‘You can try to make me stop loving you while I’ll work hard to make you fall in love with me, so let’s date’.

Jimin coughed, completely stunned, recoiling a bit in his bewilderment.

‘Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t like you like that, Jungkook-ah’, Jimin replied, looking around as if he was feeling lost, ‘How can we date? It wouldn’t be fair’.

‘Why? You…like someone else?’, he questioned in a whisper, afraid to hear Jimin’s answer, ‘Is it that guy you were with earlier?’.

‘What? No! I meant that it wouldn’t be fair to you’, Jimin rushed to explain, gesturing toward Jungkook like he was desperate to make him understand why it wasn’t a good idea, ‘I can’t do that to you, I can’t date you insincerely’.

‘We don’t have to kiss and stuff’, Jungkook said, his face getting warmer with just the mere mention of it, ‘I just want the chance to properly court you and for you to show me those sides you’ve been hiding from me, try to make not like you’, he continued despite the embarrassment, a glint of determination shining brightly in his big doe eyes.

Jimin let out a defeated but amused sigh as if he couldn't believe that he was giving some thought to Jungkook’s request. Maybe he shouldn’t have used the word ‘court’ but he didn’t know how else to express his intentions, it wasn’t just meaningless flirting for him.

He could see Jimin thinking it over and Jungkook knew his hyung always yielded to his wishes at the end of the day, no matter how absurd they could seem to the older. Maybe it was the dongsaeng card that would usually get him what he wanted but if it’d allow him to have an opportunity to properly convey his feelings to Jimin, then Jungkook would shamelessly use it.

‘Fine, let’s give it a try then’, Jimin finally said, half-heartedly, ‘But if it doesn’t work out, you’ll let go of this, okay?’, he added with a sterner tone.

‘But we’ll still be close, right?’, Jungkook asked, sudden fear sipping into his voice, ‘Because if I don’t have this’, he said as he motioned to the space between them, with one hand shifting from his own chest toward Jimin’s a couple of times, ‘I might just fall apart, hyung’.

The desperation Jimin detected in his tone made him go softer with the younger, Jungkook saw the way Jimin’s expression turned gentler, a kind and honest smile appearing in his pretty face, ‘Of course we’ll be, Kkyu. We’ll always be together, I promised’, he assured him, hand sneaking closer to intertwine his pinky with Jungkook’s in an intimate gesture they hadn't done since Jungkook was thirteen.

***

No matter how hard Jungkook would think about it, he realized he was at fault, the increasing guilt was pressing down on his chest so heavily he wasn’t able to sleep at all. So when his alarm went off, Jungkook didn’t even notice, sitting on the window ledge of his bedroom while he stared at the sunrise.

He did his morning routine in autopilot, going to the bathroom to wash up, dressing up in sporty clothes to go for a jog around the park and preparing himself to leave for classes. He didn’t bother to have breakfast, feeling nauseous and exhausted as he dragged his feet to the university. His terrible mood only made the way there longer so Jungkook had plenty of time to roll over his mistakes multiple times.

Even during classes, his mind wasn’t completely there. No matter how hard he tried to distract himself from his thoughts about Jimin by focusing on his teacher, Jungkook couldn’t help but replay the image of a heartbroken Jimin, how hurt and furious he felt all over again when he discovered the reason Jungkook had left that night many years ago.

Jungkook could see it in his piercing glare and frowning eyebrows, his unaware pout forming even though the last thing he wanted was to look cute. But Jimin, with his small frame and his doll-face, was a very scary person when angry. None dared to cross him when he was in one of his moods and that was the main reason Jungkook didn’t chase him down the hallway of his apartment building. He knew that Jimin needed time and space to cool off or Jungkook would just end up upsetting him even more.

When lunchtime arrived, Jungkook was dragged to the cafeteria by Jin hyung. He didn’t feel hungry but his hyungs got really worried with his worn-out appearance and insisted that he should at least have some liquid inside his body. They’d noticed too that something was seriously wrong with him, fortunately enough, none nagged him about shutting down this time and even though he felt sorry to his hyungs for having to put up with him, Jungkook didn’t find the strength to open up about the whole story he had with Jimin.

He followed behind Jin as he picked up his tray, his eyes fixed on the floor with the excuse of being especially careful when walking. They ended up sitting next to Namjoon and Yoongi who were already occupying a table close to the big windows. Someone near them let out a loud chuckle, one that Jungkook didn’t know and when he briefly glanced up at the stranger at their table, Jungkook found Hoseok sitting in front of Yoongi.

The dance professor being there didn’t affect him at all until the cheerful man threw his head back to laugh again, he revealed Taehyung settled next to him, arms crossed over the table and a tiny smile on his face. That’s when Jungkook noted the small figure snuggling Taehyung’s side, his head resting on the idol’s shoulder with his puffy eyes closed and mouth agape. Jungkook couldn’t help but stare at Jimin’s sleeping face, looking so adorable with his cheek squished against Taehyung’s shoulder. He must’ve been very tired to not even wince at the noise the rest of the professors were making and Jungkook felt the guilt that was already filling him whole, throbbed like a living thing stirring up.

It was enough to make him tear his gaze away, meeting instead Taehyung’s intimidating glare. It was obvious the man knew what had happened last night though it wasn’t really a surprise to him since Jungkook had always been aware of the special friendship Taehyung and Jimin shared. Suddenly, Taehyung’s words at the coffee shop and his protective stance finally made sense to Jungkook. To Taehyung’s perspective, Jungkook was the one who ghosted Jimin first, the one who disappeared when Jimin needed him.

Feeling his nausea intensified, Jungkook stood up abruptly before running from the cafeteria, ignoring the way his hyungs were calling for him. He didn’t stop his feet from moving, focusing only on the way his chest was burning for more than just only pain. He felt numb everywhere else like all his nerves were concentrated on his torso, pulsing alive with each step he took.

Again.

Jungkook was running away again.

Why couldn’t he stop? Imagining all that happened between them from Jimin’s perspective was torture, fueling his pace into an impossible speed. He needed to apologize to Jimin, the older deserved it from so long ago. It might not change anything but it was the least Jungkook could do for him. After that, Jungkook was going to explain to his hyung that he couldn’t work with Jimin, that he wasn’t that professional enough yet to put his feelings aside and treat Jimin like some client he was composing for.

Once he properly apologized, disappearing from Jimin’s life once again was the only solution Jungkook could come up with. It was gonna be difficult with both of them working there but Jungkook could try to apply for a different job when he got to graduate. Then Jimin would finally be able to heal in peace without the high risk of encountering Jungkook on a daily basis.

Jungkook slowed down his speed until coming to a stop, panting heavily as he made up his mind. He’d apologize to Jimin right at that moment. He turned around and started to stomp his way back before halting his steps again, remembering how exhausted Jimin was during lunch. Should he do it tomorrow then? No. Jungkook knew that he needed to do it today or he might not have the courage to even try the next day.

Later. Jungkook was determined to do it later that evening.

He spun around to take a look at his surroundings, realizing he’d gone way too far from the university. Taking a taxi back to the institute, Jungkook did the rest of his workload like a robot, not really engaging in his activities and just doing whatever he was told to.

Since Jin hyung had sent him Jimin’s schedule after the first team meeting, Jungkook knew that Jimin was probably wrapping up his last class for the day so he decided to wait for him outside the building, near the stairs leading to the entrance. The time seemed to pass quicker and when he realized, a dozen students were coming out of the building with excited squeals or painful moans.

Jungkook’s leg started bouncing when a mop of blonde hair appeared in his sight, a taller figure walking next to him. He recognized the black-haired boy from that time Jungkook was planning to cancel his meeting with Jimin. They were beaming at each other as the younger clapped his hands in admiration for whatever Jimin was talking about.

And then Jimin saw him, his expression hardening before returning his attention back to the taller boy, a tense smile now in place. That simple act of rejection hurt like a slap across the face but Jungkook knew that it wouldn’t be easy to approach the man so he wasn’t going to give up that easily.

“Hyung”, Jungkook said as he firmly planted himself in the middle of Jimin’s path, successfully blocking his way, “Can we talk please?”.

Jimin didn’t even glance at him, squeezing his student’s shoulder with a friendly grin, “Soobin-ah, I’ll go back to the practice room, yeah? Don’t wait for me and go to your next class”.

The tall boy eyed Jungkook curiously before bowing deeply at Jimin and jogging away.

“Hyung…”, Jungkook began to say, but the older one was already climbing up the stairs and quickly entering the building once again, “Hyung, wait!”.

He gave a couple of steps to run after Jimin when a rough hand clamped around his wrist, stopping him and forcing him to look back.

It was him again.

“Jungkook-ah!”, the man yelled with the same desperate tone, his tight grip making Jungkook gasped out in a mix of shock and fear.

“Let go”, Jungkook demanded in panic, his breathing beginning to accelerate with the feeling of that man’s skin touching his own, “Let go!”, he repeated, his voice cracking and nausea rising up his throat like waves.

“Just a moment, please, hear me out”, the man pleaded, fingertips digging into Jungkook’s flesh as he tried to pull him closer, “Please, Jungkook, please”.

How ironic was the fact that Jungkook, with his athletic body and his 154 lbs, couldn’t free himself of that older man. A strong push would suffice to put some distance between them and yet Jungkook couldn’t pull away completely, no matter how hard he was trying to fight him off. His mere presence weakened Jungkook, converting him into the same 9-year-old boy he was before running away with his mother.

He started to hyperventilate, vision blurring and legs wobbling. Jungkook was as frightened as he hadn’t been in more than a decade, his body suddenly weighing so heavy as if his blood had turned into lead but at the same time, his mind felt so light, Jungkook briefly thought that it was slipping away from him.

“Please, let go!”, this time Jungkook was the one who begged with tears running down his face just like the old times, contorting so violently he was about to snap a bone, “Please”, he cried out, uncaring of who was around, praying someone near them would hear him and intervene.

Someone, anyone.

Help.

Jimin hyung.

Help.

Jungkook was gonna be punished again, treated like a punching bag in replacement of his older brother. Hit after hit, Jungkook would turn purple or blue, maybe green or yellow, a bit of vivid red staining his clothes even after washing up the wounds. He didn’t wanna go back there, he’d rather die than going back there, to his nightmare, to his father.

A hand grabbed the older man’s out of the blue, and with a strength that was almost impossible for such a tiny hand, it ripped off the grip the man had around Jungkook's wrist. The sudden freedom caused Jungkook to stumble a couple of steps back, an arm supporting his back stopped him from falling and hitting his head on one of the stairs.

“You alright?”, Jimin whispered into his neck, his sweet scent invading Jungkook’s panicked senses, “Breathe, Jungkook-ah, deep and slow”, he indicated to him with an undeserving gentleness, “Hyung is here now, nothing bad will happen”.

Jungkook clutched his reddened wrist against his chest, head lowered in embarrassment for the overdramatic scene he’d shown to the people around, biting his upper lip hard to stop the sobs from coming out.

He should know better. He wasn’t that overpowered kid anymore, those nightmares shouldn’t have left him so vulnerable. Thinking he’d moved on from that old man was a mistake, Jungkook had just buried them all with happy memories. But now his father had resurfaced and Jungkook didn’t know how to entomb him once again, not when Jimin was rightfully mad at him and everything felt so shitty.

“Breathe, *aga”, his hyung reminded him, rubbing circles against his spine in such a comforting gesture, “You’re okay now”, he kindly assured him before turning toward the older man, a cold expression settled in, “Sir, you should leave now unless you want me to call security”.

Jungkook sniffed while glancing up to focus only on Jimin, noticing the scary glare he had on and feeling secure between his arms, leaning discreetly onto Jimin’s chest when he saw out of the corners of his eyes how the older man hesitated a bit before turning around and walking away.

“Let’s go”, Jimin guided Jungkook to the nearest bench, sitting him down before stepping back.

Without thinking it twice, Jungkook’s hand shot up and grasped Jimin’s shirt in a panicky move, “Don’t leave”, he begged in a whisper, scared of Jimin rejecting him.

His hyung let out a sigh, approaching Jungkook enough so his abdomen would be right in front of the younger’s face. Lifting the hem of his shirt, Jimin used it to dab away Jungkook’s tears in silence. He was sure that once Jimin thought Jungkook had gotten himself together, the older would go back to avoid him like the plague.

This could be his last chance to apologize now.

“Are you okay?”, Jimin asked, a bit of concern sipping into his tone though his expression remained hidden from Jungkook, “Did he hurt you?”.

“No”, Jungkook replied, feeling self-conscious about his previous scandalous response, “Maybe I overreacted”.

“No”, Jimin immediately said with firmness and although he couldn’t remember telling Jimin about his father, Jungkook knew his hyung had always suspected that something really bad had happened, “You didn’t”.

It felt so comforting that Jimin wasn’t judging him that he almost forgot what he came to do there in the first place.

Grabbing Jimin’s thin wrist to pull away from the soft fabric of his shirt, Jungkook glanced up at him with all the regret and guilt he had been pouring out since their talk, “Hyung, I’m so sorry”.

Everyone would describe Jimin as an emotional person, able to convey every feeling perfectly, be it with words or with movements. It was part of the reason he was such an enchanting performer, his dance would always draw people in, his facial expression would keep them at his bay. Sometimes it was the other way around, sometimes it would be both simultaneously. There was no way you wouldn’t catch the sight of his emotions painting him like a piece of art for everyone else to admire.

But Jungkook had witnessed multiple times that Jimin, as easily as he could embody anything he wished to be, he could also wear an unreadable mask, something impenetrable and frightening that would just overawe people. It was an icy type of beauty, so perfect it became intimidating.

Pinching his thigh, Jungkook forced himself to continue under Jimin's unwavering stare, “I’m so sorry for assuming you’d left, for rushing into my own conclusions and cutting you off without giving you a chance to explain”.

Jungkook licked his lips, unsure of his next words because he didn’t wanna sound like he was making some lame excuse but Jimin deserved an explanation, even though it was a pathetic one, “I’ve always been left behind by the people I care for...my brother, my friends, my father…”, he winced, hoping Jimin wasn’t thinking that Jungkook wanted his pity, “Back then, we were having a rough time, barely talking to each other with how busy we were. I know you’d mentioned the tour a couple of times but since we didn’t discuss it like we always used to, I didn’t think about it that much”, he sighed, lowering his gaze, “Until the night I saw a text from one of your colleagues saying how excited he was for the tour in Europe, asking if you were gonna meet him tomorrow at the airport or if you would prefer to leave with the rest of the team”.

Jungkook clawed at the fabric of his pants, blinking hard as images of the past replayed in his mind, “I thought you’d tell me if you were really leaving or something but you never said anything and when I woke up, you weren’t there”, he clenched his jaw, swallowing his whimpers, “I looked for you everywhere, I called you many times but you never picked up. I was slowly going crazy, telling myself that you wouldn’t leave me but then I thought if half of my family didn’t mind walking out of my life, what would stop you from doing the same”.

He felt silly comparing Jimin with his own brother and father but the three of them were people Jungkook loved deeply before being abandoned by them. Jungkook still remembered how Junghyun, his older brother, used to be his best friend, his role model, the person he admired the most and then after a horrible fight with their dad, he just left the house and never came back.

To their disgrace, his father disappeared too, not quite physically though. His caring self vanished with time, being replaced by the presence of a bitter man, always yelling and hitting, exploding with the smallest of details and hurting the rest of the family he used to protect once. It took a while and the insistence of his grandma but Jungkook and his mom finally realized that the man he called father was as gone as his brother too.

“All those negative thoughts just festered me and I lost it”, Jungkook felt ashamed as he kept looking at Jimin’s inexpressive face, “I threw my phone against the wall, I packed some of my things and ran away to Seoul”, he continued to narrate, “And there was only one friend I had here, a hyung who was studying film production with me at the online college I was assisting after graduating. He helped me get a cheap apartment and a part-time job, mom would send me some money too until I adjusted to this new lifestyle”.

Jin hyung had been a savior to Jungkook, offering a roof and food when he’d needed them the most. Thanks to the older, he was able to get into this university in the first place and later on, Jin also introduced him personally to his other two close friends. They accepted Jungkook and his broken heart, teaching him all kinds of amazing stuff and respecting his tendency to shut down when he was having a hard time. Just recently, they’d expressed their concern for him and their wish for Jungkook to open up more but they didn’t pressure him and Jungkook almost felt like he could belong again.

“I’m not justifying my actions, hyung”, Jungkook solemnly said, a needing to clarify his intentions, “What I did was wrong and stupid, I was just feeling so scared and hurt that I wound up doing to you, to the only person I've loved in this way, the thing I feared the most and I’m terribly sorry”, he pressed his lips together when he felt them trembling, “I regret not trying to talk to you more, I regret assuming terrible things about you, I regret giving up on contacting you, I regret running away like a coward”, a new teardrop escaped from his left eye, pure sincerity dripping from each word, “But I don’t regret loving you at all”.

***

Jungkook was courting Jimin the way his wise professor had been teaching him. She’d told him a lot of anecdotes about her first love, a sturdy gentleman who used to have flight tendencies, not as serious as Jungkook’s though.

‘I swear, child, he was dreamily handsome’, she said with a sigh, sitting by the couch next to the window, admiring the view of her colorful garden, ‘Just like you but a bit rougher around the edges’.

Munching on a cookie, Jungkook caressed Gureum’s white fluffy fur with his attention fixed on the old lady.

‘He was as reserved as a clam though, always running away every time I tried to talk to him’, she explained, sipping from his cup of green tea with a nostalgic sigh, ‘Your grandfather was very shy but it was one of his many charms. He was younger than me too so I think I must’ve been a bit intimidating to him’, his grandma signaled to the plates of cookies and Jungkook passed her one, eager to hear more about it, ‘I’m very proactive, you know, I chased him around quite a bit before he finally accepted on going in a date with me and the rest is history’.

‘You were the one who courted him then?’, Jungkook asked, not hiding how impressed he was feeling, that wasn’t very common in the past. When his grandma confirmed with a shameless nod, Jungkook felt a rush of excitement, ‘How?’.

‘Hmmm’, his grandma hummed, scratching the dry skin of her chin with her short nails, ‘I guess I did all kinds of stuff, buying him nice food, giving him pretty flowers, taking him to new places. I made sure to let him know that he could count on me, that he could trust me and that I could be his safe place. That’s how you win over someone’s heart, Jungkook-ah.

Jungkook felt weirdly pleased when he realized that Jimin had done all those things for him before but then he remembered that he was only taking care of Jungkook like the gentle hyung he was. How curious that all those actions would’ve meant something else if Jungkook had been older and if maybe, they’d lived in the past where courtship was an art of the romantic wise.

‘Did grandpa ever chase you back?’, Jungkook asked, wanting to know more about the man who shared Jungkook’s tendency to get flustered and run away. He ended up with the love of his life, maybe Jungkook could learn something from him.

‘There was this time a couple of weeks later after we’d officially started dating that I got really mad at him’, she said with an amused smirk, shaking her head in an endeared gesture, ‘A new girl in town was crushing on him, visiting the coffee shop where he worked just to flirt with him’, his grandma scoffed, angrily biting a piece of her cookie, ‘I knew because I’d do the same thing but I had permission to do that, you know’.

Of course she had.

‘Girls crushing on your grandpa wasn’t something new but it pissed me off that he wasn’t rejecting her advances’, she sipped from her cup of tea again, glaring at the empty air in front of her, ‘And she had the audacity of planting a kiss on his cheek right in front of me!’.

Jungkook’s eyes widened when he noticed how his grandma had just crushed the cookie inside her bony hand.

‘And he didn’t do anything! That was very disappointing and I felt hurt because what if I was the only one having feelings in our relationship? What if he felt like I was pressuring him? That he needed to give in and go out with me just to stop me from bothering him?’.

Her voice was calm, her expression softening with knowledge and longing.

‘So what did you do?’.

His grandma blinked the daze away, glancing at Jungkook with a shrug of her shoulders.

‘I left’, she replied with a tiny smile, putting down her cup of tea on the center table and standing up to walk toward the back door, grabbing her gardening gloves from the countertop of the kitchen on her way out, ‘And that’s how I discovered that he loved me back’.

***

Jimin was just staring at him and Jungkook felt his heart squeezing with every second ticking down. Long minutes in silence must’ve passed before Jungkook decided that this was all he was gonna get from the older. He apologized and his hyung listened, now it was time to finally let go.

“You don’t have to say anything or accept my apologies”, Jungkook slowly added, standing up with a forced smile on his face, “Thank you for everything you did for me, hyung, from babysitting me to letting me love you”, he observed the older during a couple of seconds, trying to catch all the little details of Jimin’s beautiful face, “Every moment I had with you were my happiest, thank you”, he bowed deeply, a gesture of apology mixed with his gratefulness.

He straightened his back, taking one more look at him before starting to walk away from Jimin, his fists clenched at his sides, trying to not rush his pace because Jungkook wasn’t running away anymore. No, he had confronted the situation, he learned about his mistakes and he’d owned them, earnestly apologizing for them. And now he was letting go of them.

Jungkook told himself that his tears were out of freedom from his own negative emotions. It was time to start anew. That’s why when he got home, Jungkook wrote an email to his hyungs, explaining he was resigning from his role on the project and conveying how sorry he felt, emphasizing it was something he needed to do.

Then he just plugged in his earphones, letting the music drown out his tears. It was the last time he was gonna cry about this so he might as well go all the way out, sobbing and hiccuping with a swollen face and an aching heart.

It was finally over now.