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He was tired. That was not to say he wasn’t always some level of tired. Honestly, Xiao Zhan couldn’t remember the last time he had slept until he felt well and truly rested. This was different, though. This was something deep in him dragging him down into a sluggish fog. Normally, no matter how tired he was, he could perk himself up enough that the average so-and-so couldn’t tell.
Twice now someone had asked if he was feeling alright.
It started with feeling tired. Then he sat down for a quick lunch before being flitted off to his next appointment, looked at his jianbing, and immediately lost any appetite he had previously. Something about it smelled off, and it was unceremoniously tossed into the trash with a pang of guilt at seeing food go to waste. He consoled himself with the reminder it would probably have made him sick.
A wheel in the back of his mind started to turn.
And then he did get sick and the wheel that had been turning clicked to a stop as if life were a game show, prize arrow pointing to the obvious answer. Obvious, but unlikely, unaccounted for. It wasn’t an unwelcome idea – instead it was something that had never really been an idea to begin with. But life, as always, liked to hit Xiao Zhan with the unexpected. He looked himself in the mirror for a moment before rinsing his mouth out. It would be wonderful, he mused, to have time to think about any of this.
Xiao Zhan returned to the set and apologized for his sudden absence with one of those smiles that would get him out of even the worst trouble before turning to his assistant and asking to be reminded to make a stop on his way home. Somehow he didn’t think he would forget, but stranger things had happened. A wry smile tugged at his lips. Stranger indeed.
The trip to the pharmacy afterwards was frighteningly average. His driver hadn't questioned why he didn't want to go to the location he always frequented, where they knew him, and knew to leave him be. That was the problem. They knew him. While he didn't think anyone there was a rumor monger, his mind decided to latch onto the most dramatic conclusion. Baidu and Douban articles and Weibo trendings and- Stop. Relax.
He'd built up the whole ordeal so much in his head that when he sat back down in the car, bag in lap, he had to suppress the urge to laugh at himself. The store clerk hadn't even batted an eye, used to all sorts of purchases, and no one had tried to covertly take pictures nor even paid him the slightest attention.
So now he stood, fingertips tapping against the marble countertop, looking down at three identical answers to one unexpected question.
Am I?
Positive.
It was.. conflicting. He felt anxious, but in a way that encompassed all definitions of the word. The panic and wonder and trepidation and thrill all coalescing into one churning sensation in his stomach. Or maybe it was just the return of the inaptly named morning sickness. Morning sickness.
He was pregnant. The full magnitude of it began to sink in as he moved in a daze to the adjacent bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. The when was obvious, but how? He was on birth control, and at the thought his stomach turned again and he placed a hand against it. Instinct. Was that bad? Taking birth control even though he was.. It certainly couldn't have been good. Roughly five weeks in and he was already a poor parent.
The strangled sound that left him, caught between a laugh and a sob, was loud in the empty room. He brought a hand up to his face and covered his eyes as another choked sound fought its way out. They were going to be parents. Whatever the choked noise had been, it morphed into a soft whimper.
Parents. Parents. Their lives were more settled than they had been in the year or two after The Untamed had aired, but they both still felt like they often didn't have time to breathe. There were still times they didn't see each other in person for days on end. He'd have to clear full months from his schedule to avoid publicity. Publicity.
They still weren't public.
They'd been together for five years and married and bonded for three. Things had calmed down a great deal since the heyday of their CP, but their management teams both thought it best to continue avoiding any public acknowledgement of a relationship. At least they could be on the same variety and award shows again, even if they were kept separated. Heavy make-up and careful tailoring was used to cover the bond marks on the backs of their necks, common tricks of the trade, and rings were only worn in their private time away from cameras. They had always talked about wanting to defy their management, only half-joking, and to this day they still enjoyed leaving a trail of hints for their fans.
Those half-jokes would probably become full reality shortly.
Yibo would be home from filming in a few hours. Late enough Xiao Zhan would usually already be in bed by the time he arrived. He was coming back from routine Day Day Up work in Changsha. His husband would be tired, but he was usually in a good mood after seeing his brothers and being in a familiar, relaxed setting. Hopefully that would be the case tonight too.
They hadn't really ever talked about kids. Both of them liked kids, enjoyed entertaining them on set or when they saw friends who had them, but when it came to themselves the tacit understanding was that career came first. It was always a conversation for later. But later was now and it was less an if and more of a when. He moved to lay atop the bedspread and look at the blankness of the ceiling like it would help sort out thoughts and emotions. It held no answers in its vacancy.
Despite the twists and turns of the day, Xiao Zhan's evening was just about the same as any other. The differences being that typically he didn’t hide positive pregnancy tests in the drawer with the herbal supplements and traditional medicines his mother sent him and typically he would be in bed by now, not curled up on the sofa with a mug of warm tea and the television at a low murmur. He wasn't sure when he'd adopted his husband's habit of leaving the television on to give the barest of background noise, but he found something about it oddly comforting as he sat with his thoughts and chamomile. As the evening had progressed and normalcy had returned, a sense of peace had settled into his mind.
It was still sudden and jarring, unforeseen and intimidating, but next to the small lump of panic in his chest had grown a larger sense of excitement. The combination of emotions was doing nothing for his already sensitive stomach, but it was doing wonders for his heart. He wasn't sure exactly when the idea of the tiny life inside him had settled into gentle warmth, but perhaps it was around when the mental image of Yibo cradling a baby with matching phoenix eyes had seared itself into his brain. It would all be too much again later, he was sure, but for now he was going to enjoy whatever endorphins his hormones and instincts were pouring into his veins.
At the sound of the front door opening, Xiao Zhan lifted his cup for another deep sip before smiling over the rim at the look of confusion on Yibo's face at seeing the lights on and Xiao Zhan still awake. The other man was travel-rumpled and held the same perpetual air of tiredness that most everyone in their circles did, but despite that, a charming grin overtook his face as he strode to the sofa and bent over to capture Xiao Zhan's lips in a kiss that rivaled his tea in warmth.
"You're still up?" The words were spoken against his temple before his husband pulled back, eyes giving his face a once over as a hand raked through his hair gently.
"Mm," came the soft hum of a reply. A furrow of concern made its way between Yibo's brows and Xiao Zhan just closed his eyes briefly in response, enjoying the fingers against his scalp. "It's just been a bit of an unexpected day." He opened his eyes, again taking in Yibo's appearance beyond the expression on his face. "Go shower. I'll tell you about it after." I still need a moment. Everything just became so very real again.
He was met with an appraising look that must have deemed him well enough before another soft kiss was pressed to lips and Yibo disappeared into another room. When the sound of a door shutting reached him, he let out his breath in a rush.
It was turning out harder than he'd thought. Somehow he'd pictured himself telling his husband the news in the same matter-of-fact way he had processed the idea as he'd washed his mouth out that afternoon. Instead the anxiety he felt looking at those tests had returned. The uncertainty churning away as the reminders of their busy lives, of careers derailed, of should you want this came clawing back. As spontaneous as Xiao Zhan had been in the past, it was different when your actions directly affected someone else. Just because he wasn't scared of facing the bottom didn't mean he wanted to drag anyone else there with him.
Eyes closed. Slow, steady breaths. Relax. Relax.
It was only a few minutes before he heard their bedroom door opening. Yibo must have taken the most minimalistic of showers and the knowledge that it must have been to return to him sooner curled around the anxiety in his chest, holding back the tempest with affection. Xiao Zhan took in the image of Yibo, bare-faced, ratty pajamas, wet hair slicked back, and remembered again how truly lucky he was. This stunning, sweet, adrenaline junkie of a man had been with him through thick and thin, up and down, and even if his brain was doing its best to convince him otherwise, Xiao Zhan knew they'd face this new roller coaster together as well.
The sofa dipped and his body was shifted as Yibo pulled him close, practically on his lap, but with enough space between so they could comfortably look each other in the eye as they spoke. They both sat, one shoulder each pressing into the back of the sofa.
"How was Changsha?"
Yibo didn't take the bait and Xiao Zhan felt a thumb rub gently over his skin where a hand rested against his hip. "I thought you were going to tell me about your day. You've left me expecting the unexpected," he replied with a cheeky grin, clearly proud of his play on words.
However, instead of making him shake his head in amusement and groan at his cheesy Lao Wang, Xiao Zhan felt like he'd had his legs knocked out from underneath him. Like air was being pushed from his lungs. It must have shown in his face because he was met yet again with furrowed brows.
"Zhan-ge?" A frown and the hand that had been warm against his hip moved to cradle his face. "Xiao Zhan."
There was something instinctual that pulled him in, Xiao Zhan curling himself into Yibo and pressing his nose to the curve where shoulder met neck, breathing in the comforting scent there. Dislodged from his face, Yibo's hand returned to Xiao Zhan's hip, thumb under the hem of his shirt to swipe gently back and forth over warm, soft skin.
"What's wrong, baobao?"
He couldn't help a soft, choked laugh at the pet name. Yibo only used it when he was worried and felt the need to tread carefully. It was like a sign. Use this perfectly placed segue. Say it. Just say it.
"Baobao," Xiao Zhan replied, voice still pressed against his husband's neck, breathing in spice and comfort.
If he'd been just a bit more put together Xiao Zhan might have preened at meeting wordplay with wordplay, but instead he took in a deep breath at the hum of confusion he could feel leave Yibo's throat more than he heard it. Something, in those moments, slipped through his veins like liquid courage, or perhaps he'd just gotten secondhand adrenaline, but either way, he let one arm unwrap from his grip on Yibo and slip down to lay over his husband's and lace his fingers through Yibo's own. Grip firm and anchoring, Xiao Zhan moved their joined hands to lay Yibo's palm against the space just under his belly button.
"Baobao."
A beat.
Another beat.
He was about to say something, panic beginning to seep in at the silence, when he felt movement, shifting, and suddenly he was being held away to face Yibo, who was now in a kneel with both knees under himself on the sofa, hands on Xiao Zhan's shoulders. Yibo was looking at him like he had just been handed 6,000,000 yuan and he was waiting to hear the catch. Once their eyes met, Yibo swept his hands up to cradle his face. They were quivering, just slightly, and Xiao Zhan felt a certain sense of camaraderie in that. His own hand came up to wrap around one of Yibo's wrists and gave a small squeeze. "I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I took three tests and they were all posi-"
His words were engulfed as his lips were taken in an enthusiastic, clumsy kiss. The moment they'd separated, he felt Yibo pulling him back in and lips pressing against his cheeks, his forehead, and his lips again. This time when his husband pulled back, he didn't lean back in; instead, Yibo just kept looking at Xiao Zhan like he hung the stars.
Xiao Zhan was at a loss for what to say. He'd spent so much of the evening thinking about so many things, but not about how to communicate them. "I know we hadn't discussed it. It's really sudden. We'll have to talk to our management and I'll have to take time off. It's not as though this will be the first time I've disappeared for months on end, though. And we need to figure out how much we will or won't let out to the media."
"Zhan-ge," Yibo said, breaking through the small flood of words. "It's just.. I know there's a lot to think about and do," Xiao Zhan felt a hand caress the side of his face gently, "But right now all I want to do is hold you. Can we just.. lay down for a bit? I just want a moment to feel. To take this all in and embrace it, embrace you, before we have to start breaking it down."
A lump lodged in his throat and Xiao Zhan felt the telltale tightness of tears near his eyes. Always. Yibo always knew the perfect way to handle him. To bring him back to a moment. To help him live and enjoy things in the moment. Smiling, he held his arms out as Yibo stood from the sofa.
"Take me.. No.. Take us to bed, Wang Yibo."
Falling asleep that night, laying spooned in Yibo's arms, feeling a strong, warm hand pressed against his stomach, Xiao Zhan felt nothing but hope and excitement for their new future nestled inside him.