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When Renjun first joined them, one of his most prominent memories was Jeno cornering him during the Chewing Gum era with a sharp glare. Renjun was terrified out of his wits. He was new, and he felt intimidated by Jeno the most out of them all. Normally, he’s quite the confident guy, but with how Jeno stared down at him, Renjun found himself frozen in his spot.
Four years ago, Jeno articulated, clear as day, “Jaemin’s mine.”
“Oh, okay,” Renjun responded with a nod.
Four years later, as Jeno looks up to his right to catch a glimpse of Jaemin, he sees him talking to Jungwoo. Jeno realises he was wrong. Jaemin was never his to begin with. He’s been too used to Jaemin’s presence.
Jaemin who likes to extract himself from the group to stand at the back in silence, Jaemin who keeps to himself so much the other members practically think he’s a ghost in the dorms. Jeno’s spoiled. He really is. Anytime he calls for Jaemin, the other will be there. Now that Jaemin’s too busy for that, Jeno feels just a tad lonely.
“You look a little tired,” Donghyuck sounds out from the side right before they have to get on stage. It’s time to introduce their unit, and Jeno should be excited, but he’s right here, and Jaemin’s right there. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Jeno smiles. “Just a little headache, but it’s fine.”
“You need a painkiller?” Chenle asks from behind, eyes wide and concerned.
If Chenle’s visibly worried, it must mean Jeno’s making it too obvious that he doesn’t feel good. He smiles wide at Chenle’s attention before laughing the matter off altogether.
When the broadcast ends and the only thing left to do is go home, Jeno dreads it. He doesn’t want to stay home. Jaemin’s just one room away, but yet he can’t reach out whenever he wants to. Jeno thinks their whole dynamic has messed up. It used to be Jaemin and Jeno, and it still is, but he feels that title slipping through his hold. No matter how hard he clenches, he feels it thinning out between the crevices of his fingers.
It scares him. It terrifies him. It makes him afraid of what the future holds. It’s not just Jaemin. It’s his career. This whole time, Jeno used to think that as long as he has Jaemin right next to him, his whole life could never go wrong. Maybe he was wrong all along.
Jaemin was never his, and Jeno’s future isn’t as stable as he thought it would be.
As soon as they reach the dorms, Jeno gears up and takes his bike down to go for a ride around Han River. He bumps into Renjun in the hallway, and when they meet eyes, utter loneliness consumes him whole. Something about having someone right in front of him, but knowing that they’re not the right someone elevates him to a new level of sadness.
“You’re going out now? You’re not tired?” Renjun frowns as he gives Jeno a onceover. “Are you alright?”
“Why do you and the rest keep on asking the same question?” Jeno mumbles as he directs his eyes down. “I’m fine.”
“Okay.” Renjun blinks. “If you say so.”
“Yeah…” Jeno trails off. “I’m going out now.”
That’s when the front door opens. Jaemin comes in, hair tousled and a mild frown sitting on his face. Jeno freezes as he stares, unblinking.
One of his best strengths is trying his best. And when he tries his best at something, he always achieves what he wants. That’s Jeno’s strength. He’s a consistent man. He’s always stayed true to his words and his actions the best he can, but when he’s faced with a problem as precious as Na Jaemin, Jeno finds himself stuck in a ditch.
That’s who Jaemin is to him. Jeno doesn’t know for sure if he could call Jaemin his, but he’s certain that Jaemin is an extremely precious part of his life.
He is Jeno’s special friend.
Back when Jaemin went on a hiatus to cure himself, Jeno didn’t quite do so bad with Jaemin’s absence. He knew Jaemin would still be there with him in the end. He could spend time with Jaemin back at home and they’d have days to themselves.
They had each other, and they had time. Now they barely have either. Jeno didn’t want to acknowledge it, but in today’s broadcast, they were seated so far away. It’s not a big deal, but it is.
Jeno saw him—a mop of white hair at the back—but he couldn’t look. He couldn’t simply reach out for a subtle touch. He couldn’t send a smile and get one back.
“I want to go too,” Jaemin announces even before taking his shoes off. “Let me go with you.”
And how could Jeno refuse?
As they cycle through the park, Jaemin calls for a break at a secluded corner. He parks his bike by the side before trotting closer towards the water to simply stare. As always, Jeno follows along.
“What’s going on, Jeno?” Jaemin turns to him when they’re both leaning over the railing overlooking the water.
“I don’t want to tell you,” Jeno admits.
“So it’s about me, then.” Jaemin tips his body to the left so that their shoulders touch. “Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course I do.” Jeno smiles. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course I do too. Was that even a question?” Jaemin snorts.
“Then let’s trust me and let’s not talk about this, okay?” Jeno grins. “Let me sort this out myself.”
“Alright,” Jaemin lets the matter go with a nod, eyes still tracing the gentle yet sharp features framing Jeno’s face. “I love you.”
Jeno’s smile doesn’t let up. Jaemin doesn’t expect anything back, because Jeno rarely responds to verbal affection. He feels Jeno’s arms snaking around his waist, pulling him closer, and he takes note of the weight resting on his shoulders from behind. Jeno leans his head against Jaemin’s before humming.
“I love you, too, Jaem,” Jeno mumbles, just loud enough for Jaemin to mistake it as the passing wind. “Too much.”
“Too much?”
“Too much,” Jeno admits. “We should stop spending so much time together.”
“Okay, Jen.”
They’re basking in the darkness, staring out at the water as Jeno hugs Jaemin even tighter. He doesn’t know what Jaemin’s thinking of, but Jeno thinks of the future. He thinks of the possibility that Jaemin wouldn’t be there as much. He thinks of fate bringing them apart. He sees Jaemin enjoying himself.
Jeno sees himself in loneliness, with friends he’d kill and die for, but in loneliness nevertheless.
“Okay.”
Jeno doesn’t stay true to his words. He spends a lot of time with Jaemin. When he tries to distance himself, there will always be a nagging feeling bothering him. Something in him that yells at the lack of something, and that’s when Jeno knows he can’t—for the life of him—leave Jaemin. Jaemin’s presence is so strong Jeno finds himself wanting it back when it’s not there.
But yet, Jeno’s strength is staying true to his words. So he avoids Jaemin as much as he can. In practice rooms, in recording studios, in official broadcasts. If there’s a reason for him to put the thought of Jaemin to the side, Jeno uses it to stay away.
On a hazy Monday, a rest day, Jeno wakes up and he sees Jaemin cooking in the kitchen. Something about the way there’s no one else in sight but Jaemin, something so domestic about it, that stirs Jeno’s insides into mush.
Jeno makes his way to Jaemin, his eyes pinned on his special friend. He slides his hands up to Jaemin’s shoulders, squeezing them as he gives Jaemin a mini massage.
“What are you making?” Jeno asks.
“Jeno, can we talk?”
“Oh?” Jeno steps back, darting his eyes up to meet Jaemin’s tranquil ones as the latter turns.
“Remember the other day at Han River?” Jaemin brings up.
Jeno gulps. “Yeah?”
“You said let’s stop seeing each other. Did you mean that?” Jaemin frowns.
“Of course not,” Jeno lies through his teeth. For a brief moment, after that day at the river, Jeno truly wished he could stop hanging around Jaemin. Now, though, he can’t imagine being away ever. “I was joking, like all the other times I said it.”
Jaemin simply stares unblinkingly for a few seconds before calmly turning around. He continues chopping onions.
“I love you, Jen,” Jaemin says aloud, his words concise.
Jeno stares a moment longer at Jaemin’s broad back before tipping forward to lean on it. He brackets Jaemin’s waist with his hands, slightly caressing them before tipping up to plant a soft kiss on the back of Jaemin’s neck. He feels Jaemin tensing up at the action.
Jeno likes hugs, he likes touch, but he’s never kissed anyone.
“I love you, too, Jaem,” Jeno mumbles before leaving the kitchen.
It doesn’t take that long for another special encounter between them. Jaemin comes home later than anyone else seeing as he’s the only member of Dream who’s included in the title track. Jeno’s finished playing a round of PUBG and he’s just put his phone down to go to sleep.
That’s when Jaemin shuffles into his room, sighing in exhaustion as he gets under the covers. Jeno doesn’t protest as he’s forced to move to the edge of his bed. Under the sheets, Jaemin’s legs tangle in his, softly caressing up the back of Jeno’s calves.
Jeno shivers as Jaemin’s skin burns against his.
In the silence, Jaemin peers up through his white bangs and into Jeno’s hazy eyes. They’re both so sleepy, but they refuse to sleep as something about the moment, something about sharing this moment together… Jeno thinks he’d never get to feel this—whatever it is—again.
It’s not their first time sharing a bed. They did it a lot on movie nights or during their rookie days where there’d be too many members sharing their dorms. Sometimes, when Jaemin doesn’t want to face Jisung after a fight, he’d sleep in Jeno’s room. But there’s something different, now.
“I love you, Jeno,” Jaemin whispers as tenderly as he can.
Jeno shuts his eyes close as soon as Jaemin does too. Softly, he hums before responding, “I love you, too, Jaemin.”
Renjun gives Jeno a pointed look when he’s asked out to dinner. He shifts his eyes to a stationery Jaemin looking through his phone on the couch.
“Jaemin,” Jeno calls out after Renjun decides to ignore him. “Wanna go eat?”
“Pork?” Jaemin suggests almost immediately, knowing just what’s on Jeno’s mind. “Don’t give me that look. I know you better than I know myself.”
“How do you know my cravings so well?” Jeno asks anyway even after being provided the answer.
They chat about idle things on the way to the restaurant till Jeno takes a seat in it too. With his hands in his pockets, Jaemin stares at Jeno’s smiling face, watching him chat away. For a brief moment, his eyes dart down to Jeno’s lips, and it’s obvious. It’s painfully obvious, but Jeno ignores it and continues talking.
“I’m really glad they liked my rap, though. I was kind of worried about that,” Jeno chuckles as he talks about Misfit.
“Why wouldn’t they?” Jaemin finally pipes into the conversation.
“Did you watch it?” Jeno tentatively asks.
He knows the answer already. He heard Jaemin mumbling his line under his breath a few times after the video came out, but a verbal confirmation would make him glad.
“I don’t know, did I?” Jaemin teases as he grins.
“You’re taking on that flirty persona really well,” Jeno mumbles as he looks away from Jaemin’s blinding expression. He can’t help the slight bitterness in his voice. “It suits you.”
“Does it?” Jaemin echoes. “Am I handsome enough to flirt this much?”
“You’ve always been handsome. You just… get more attractive over the years.” Jeno thinks his comment’s normal. They’ve been complimenting each other for years now, there shouldn’t be any problem.
Yet, when Jaemin’s smile grows till the side of his eyes crinkle, Jeno regrets as he’s asked, “You think I’m attractive?”
“I—” Jeno’s words get stuck in his throat. For some reason, he thinks he should watch his words. “Yes, you’re attractive.”
“Jeno Lee, are you saying you’re attracted to me?” Jaemin leans his face close, once again peering up at Jeno’s blank, flustered expression.
Jaemin teases him when he blushes but drops the topic when he notices Jeno truly going quiet. He switches the topic to something else entirely. When they’re done eating and heading back to the company, Jaemin turns to Jeno and smiles.
“Do you think we’re ready?” Jaemin voices the thought out.
It’s been years. Jaemin makes his feelings obvious, and Jeno treats him different. They’ve always known their feelings for each other, but neither spoke out.
The first time they’ve gotten drunk, Jeno whispered in his ear an expectant, “We’re not ready yet.”
It wasn’t a rejection. It was a promise. They’ll be ready. Not then, not now. But they will be.
“I watched it. Misfit.” Jaemin’s eyes sparkle as he meets Jeno’s eyes. “I loved it. I loved you. I love you.”
Jeno nods, breaking out into a huge beam. “Thanks, I love you, too.”
Jeno tunes in to Vlive for Make a Wish’s countdown broadcast. He sees Jaemin with his grin and light hair, hears him slurring his words, and he smiles whenever Jaemin does too. It doesn’t feel all that long till the music video drops.
In fear of losing his cool, Jeno doesn’t watch it. He waits a few hours, waits for Jaemin to come home.
“Have you watched it?” Jaemin pops his head in Jeno’s room as soon as he’s back. Jeno shakes his head a no. “Why not?”
“I just haven’t,” Jeno shrugs. “Watch it with me?”
“Alright.” Jaemin shuts the door close behind him, assuming his position next to Jeno who’s pulled the video up on his laptop.
They snuggle together as the video starts and the music fills the room. Jaemin bobs along to the beat, and Jeno concentrates on what goes on. Till about half a minute later Jaemin appears on screen and Jeno visibly jolts.
“What was that?” Jaemin laughs after pausing the video.
“I didn’t expect that,” Jeno laughs along.
Jaemin leans closer to play the video, but he doesn’t move away again. He stays there, pressed up against Jeno’s side as one of his arms snake up to gently twirl the hair on Jeno’s nape in his fingers. Jeno’s breath hitches once again when Jaemin takes the center position, dancing his heart out.
Anytime a flash of blond appears on screen, Jeno holds his breath in. And anytime Jeno stops breathing, Jaemin smiles just a little wider.
“Was it good?” Jaemin questions him, paying much more attention to Jeno’s hair than his face.
“Yeah.” Jeno nods.
“Did I do well?” Jaemin fishes for compliments, trying his best to coax Jeno into talking more.
“You did great,” Jeno responds.
“Do I get a kiss?” Jaemin jests, fully expecting Jeno to ignore his words or blush.
What he doesn’t expect is Jeno leaning in to actually give him a peck on his lips. There’s an explosion of emotions filling Jeno up, and he’s sure Jaemin isn’t faring any better, judging by his widened eyes.
“Wow,” Jaemin scoffs.
“Wow what?” Jeno quirks an eyebrow up.
“That’s it?” Jaemin teases.
Chuckling, Jeno leans in once more, kissing Jaemin like he means it.
“I love you,” Jaemin murmurs into Jeno’s lips, meaning every single word he’s uttered.
Jaemin loves Jeno. Has loved Jeno for quite some time now, since their teenage days where he caught wind of Jeno calling him his. He has loved Jeno through every tear shed, every smile spared, every sweat dripped, every blood spilled. He has loved Jeno for a long time.
“I’m in love with you,” Jeno says instead of his usual response.
It catches Jaemin off guard, makes his heart stutter as he tightens his hold on Jeno.
“Say that again.”
Jeno breaks away from his lips, trailing small butterfly kisses down his neck. At the juncture where Jaemin’s shoulder and neck meet, Jeno bites down. It spurs a moan from Jaemin, makes him swat Jeno in the side of his arm from the pain that comes after pleasure.
“I said I’m in love with you,” Jeno repeats himself.
“You are?” Jaemin titters as he makes Jeno say it again.
Jeno bites down near the previous spot on Jaemin’s neck, making the latter moan once again. He winces from the pain but can’t help enjoying the feeling of it. Jeno pulls back, seeing his handiwork. The contrast of the red mark blooming against Jaemin’s fair skin brings him satisfaction.
“Can I finally call you mine now?” Jeno questions, thumbing the sensitive bitten area in a gentle manner.
“Have always been yours, what do you mean?” Jaemin snorts. “I’ve been going around calling you mine, too. Ask Renjun.”
“Poor guy.” Jeno titters. “You’re mine, then.”
“Of course.”