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Chapter Text

No one touched Regulus Black.

It was not as though anyone wanted to in the first place, but the threat of a brutal death at the hands of the elder Sirius Black went quite a long way in driving that point home. 

Sirius was very much an effortless vagabond - cheeky, handsome, but clever enough to make his way in a world bent on tripping him up. No one wanted to trip little Reg up. People would have to register him as a hostile first.

Sometimes, Regulus felt as though it was difficult to be seen in his brother’s vast shadow. 

Still, it was plainly obvious that the brother loved each other. Even when Regulus went to his pre-destined house at school, Sirius had not shunned him, instead offering him a playful smirk and stuck his tongue out at him, before staging a midnight kidnapping and smuggling Reg into Gryffindor tower.

McGonagall had been livid to find the little Black puttering around Gryffindor tower in the wee hours of the morning, his overlong night robe puddling around his feet, looking for a house elf to help him bring his trunk over, because he was staying with Sirius now apparently.  

Apart from the initial splash of his arrival, Regulus’ life at Hogwarts was fairly mundane. The first time he saw a muggleborn, he cried, stating that mummy said that they would devour his magic. The girl had looked incensed, even as she patted his little head and waited for him to calm down till Snape could take him back to the dorms. When Sirius had found him later, he was sporting a brilliant handprint across his cheek, and reassured him that muggleborns did not, in fact, suck magic. 

Just slapped really, really hard. 

Still, Reg got permission to spend the night with Sirius after his scare, who, unknown to Reg, roomed with a werewolf. Irony and all that. He spent breakfast with Sirius too, looking small and adorable next to his brother, and several Gryffindor girls cooed over him, including the muggleborn girl. That had been nice. 

Potter cried a bit afterwards, because Reg got head pats from the attractive muggleborn and he did not.

All things considered, it was a nice life, really. There were lessons, friends, some muggleborns, and most importantly, Sirius. 

***
Regulus Black’s life changed at the end of his fourth year, when things went terribly, awfully, wrong. These events might have had a different outcome if Regulus had known how to swim, but he did not. A seer had told his mum that Regulus faced terrible peril in ‘great bodies of water’, and his mum had made it her life’s goal to never have Reggie around more than a bathtub after that.

Regulus had been looking for Sirius, who had just finished his OWLs. Mummy had said to ask Sirius how his exams had gone, and to make him write home, so Regulus was a man on a mission. He found the muggleborn that regularly scolded Sirius and his mates and went over to ask her about his brother’s whereabouts.

“What ho, Tilly,” Regulus greeted, “have you seen Sirius?”

Lily, not Tilly, frowned. “He’s by the oak tree. And my name is Lily.”

“Top notch, top notch,” Reg beamed, and waddled away happily. He reached the oak tree and spotted Sev, his nose buried in a book. “What ho, Sev.”

Snape looked up, slightly dazed, and nodded. “Black.”

“How were your exams?”

“Good.”

“Have you perchance seen my brother?”

“Not since yesterday, to my everlasting delight.”

Regulus frowned. “Oh well. I suppose I’ll get him at dinner. What are you reading?”

Just as Snape was going to answer, he was interrupted by a rude ‘Oi, Snivellus!’ Snape scowled and whipped out his wand, shoving Regulus behind him. Regulus recovered his footing in time to see Sirius and Potter advancing. He groaned inwardly, knowing that they were up to no-good with Sev again.

“What’s got your knickers in a bunch today?” Sirius called. “Let me see if I can fix them. Levicorpus!”

Snape batted away the spell and responded with a nasty purple hex that both Gryffindors dodged. With matching scowls, they rounded on Snape. “That was a nail-withering curse! You filthy dark slag!” Potter cried, as Sirius sent another spell at Snape.

“Oh no!” Regulus cried, horrified as they all began to duel. “Stop! Stop!” 

Tilly- No, Lily - echoed his cries as she came racing over. “Stop it! Stop it, you beasts!” She cried, drawing her own wand to petrify them. 

“Evans, no!” Potter cried in alarm, as she barely dodged a spell that had ricocheted off of a tree. He moved, knocking Sirius over, making his spell ricochet as well, this time hitting Regulus. Time seemed to slow down as Regulus registered the spell hitting him. He fell over, straight into the Great Lake behind him. 

Dimly, through the watery medium rapidly swallowing him, he heard his brother scream his name. Regulus wanted nothing more than to shout back, but his mouth was not working. He flailed his limbs, only to feel them weighted down. He looked down, and saw grindylows grasping at his sleeves, pulling him down further into the lake. 

Regulus fought, looking for his wand, only to realize that he had lost it in the fall. His lungs screaming for air, Regulus fought his captors even as panic welled up in his chest. Slowly, his vision dimmed, but not before he saw other bodies in the water. There was Potter, and Sev, and Tilly - and Sirius! 

Regulus opened his mouth to shout for his brother, and felt a gush of water enter. His vision finally faded to black, and he knew no more. 

***

When Regulus woke up, it was to the soothing lights of the hospital wing. Truth be told, he had not expected to wake up at all, but how nice it was to be alive! Regulus looked around, and saw Sirius hunched over in a chair next to his bed, his face knotted in his sleep in an expression of worry. 

“Good evening, Mr. Black.”

Regulus looked to his right, and saw the headmaster in another chair. Dumbledore smiled and leaned over, brushing his hair back from his forehead. “You gave us quite a scare. I am quite sure that your brother has an ulcer from all the crying that he has done in the past few hours.”

“What happened professor?” Regulus asked quietly. “I remember that Potter and Sev and Sirius were fighting, and then I fell into the lake-”

Dumbledore nodded. “A stray spell hit you, causing you to fall into the lake. When it became apparent that you were not coming up, several students jumped in after you.”

“Oh,” Regulus said. “That’s why I saw people in the water.”

Dumbledore smiled. “Indeed. Several brave students jumped in after you. Luckily, Mr. Potter got to you before the grindylows could drag you away too far.”

Potter had saved him? Reg did not quite know what to make of that. The most interaction that he had had with Potter was when the older boy sometimes mussed up his hair in the hallways, or helped him do up his tie in first year. 

“How nice of him,” Regulus remarked in a genteel manner. Dumbledore's moustache wiggled appreciatively, and against his better judgement, patted Regulus' little head again. At this, Regulus' likeness to an amphibian dramatically increased, as his face stretched into a satisfied smile. And why should he not smile, he had been rescued from a watery grace and was now receiving affirming head pats, ah, this was the life. 

Albus sighed and looked over to where Sirius was hunched over angrily in his sleep. Extending a long, twisty finger, Dumbledore poked the young man. “Do wake up, Sirius.”

Sirius woke suddenly, like a jackrabbit given a fright. “Reggie!” He crowed delightedly, and threw himself over his tiny, reclined, brother. “You great lump!” He scolded. “Why’d you just sink!?”

“I don’t know how to swim, mummy wouldn’t let me learn,” Regulus pouted. 

Sirius sniffled wetly and continued to cling to his brother, as though he would drift away again given half the chance. “Nasty brat,” he said, eyes wet and throat clogged with emotion and mucus. “Nasty, awful, sweet brat.”

Reg magnanimously allowed Sirius to smush his face against his own, and peered up at Albus, who was smiling gently at them. “Ah! What a heartwarming display of brotherhood!” He exclaimed sentimentally. “If only my own brother showed such emotion unto me, but he would rather squander it on his goats! What a shame!”

Sirius stopped snuffling and looked up, bewildered. “Isn’t your brother Aberforth? The owner of that seedy pub?”

“Indeed!”

“Oh my stars, why would you want to snuggle him, sir?”

“I only wish for some form of communication other than his sniping at me over the morning tea,” Albus sighed. 

Regulus’ brows shot up. “You live with him?”

“Over the summer,” Albus shrugged, then peered at them. “Did you lads think that I lived in my office?” At the sheepish mumbles that followed, Dumbledore laughed. “We live over the pub, it is a most cosy apartment, I decorated it myself.”

Aberforth must suffer, Sirius thought dourly, living with his brother’s sense of interior decor daily. He was about to make an inadvisable comment, when the doors to the hospital wing swung open to reveal the sound of several high-pitched giggles and feminine squeals. At the doorway stood Orion Black, Head of the Noble and most Inbred House of Black. Sirius balked. “D-dad?”

“Daddy!” Regulus squealed, making to sit up, only to flop weakly back into bed. 

Orion took in the scene with cool eyes - Sirius’ eyes - and breezed in, his cloak flowing artistically behind him, a trail of girls and some boys on his tail. Madame Pomfrey rushed in to beat the fawning crowd back, before closing the door. She cast an appraising gaze over the latest entrant, found herself thoroughly unimpressed, and allowed him to join his sons. 

Orion sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed his trousers down before reaching over and placing his fingers against Regulus’ still chilly cheek. “Regulus, I trust that you are alright?” He looked at Sirius, who looked a fair bit worse than Regulus, on account of the ceaseless crying and subsequent migraine. “What happened?” Orion addressed this to Dumbledore. “My children are here on the guarantee of the best education and safety that Britain can provide. I see proof of neither.”

“This is his way of calling us dumb,” Sirius grumbled. 

“Daddy, we are not dumb,” Regulus whinged. 

“I would speak to you, Headmaster,” Orion said lowly, the suggestion only a veneer to the demand underneath. 

Albus stood with creaking joints and held out his arm. “As is your right, Mr. Black. Please, join me in my office. Several students have offered their memories as proof of the incident. All should become clear very soon.”

As Orion exited the room, Sirius groaned and thunked his head into his hands. “Well, this is the end for me, Reggie old boy. Father will surely murder me for accidently almost-drowning you, the little kidney bean of his eye. I shall have to run, live a life on the lam-”

Sirius’ poetic farewell was interrupted by his pals slinking into the hospital wing. “You’re running away?” Remus asked disapprovingly. 

“Oh yes. Remus old thing, I shall use you as a hostage and release you once I have crossed the boundaries of Hogwarts. Of course, you are welcome to come with me - I am thinking of absconding to somewhere in Scandinavia, where I shall get us false identities and we shall live as a couple until old age takes us.”

“What about me!?” James squawked. 

“You shall marry Peter, and turn out many mousy children, who shall know of their Eastern European uncles and think upon them fondly from our visits to your little cottage by the lake,” Sirius dreamt. 

“Why do I have to marry James,” Peter said in horror. “I do not covet his bony body one whit.”

“Would you all please shut up,” Remus sighed. “No one is running away, Sirius. You are going to sit here and look after your brother.”

James looked kindly at Regulus. “How are you feeling, Regulus?”

“Poorly, and I am still chilly,” Regulus sniffed. “Thank you ever so much for saving me, Potter, the Headmaster told me that you were the one to bring me back to the shore.”

 James smiled crookedly. “Gosh, we were damn scared. Sirius was crying - we all jumped in after you, even Snape, the good ol’ greaseball. I don’t know how those grindylows got you - but we were lucky to find you when we did.” He cleared his throat apologetically. “I owe you an apology, Regulus. It was our actions -  Sirius, Snape’s and mine - that led to this.”

Sirius burst into noisy tears again, wetting Regulus’ blanket. “I should throw myself into the damned lake! How could I hurt my little brother!”

Regulus patted Sirius’ head and snuggled deeper into his blankets. “Well, I accept your apology and I do hope that you both stop your little nonsense with Sev. It’s ever so boorish.”

“Snape will probably come to see you soon,” Remus said. “I saw him hiding begins a tapestry on the way here, he probably doesn’t want anyone to see his mushy, sentimental side.”

“Sev is really mushy,” Regulus confirmed. “When Rab Lestrange has nightmares, he takes him to the kitchens for hot cocoa. He also helps the girls braid their hair when they need some help.”

“Haw haw, Squishy Snivellus,” James chortled, but fell silent at Remus’ silent glare. “I mean, truly a paragon among men and what not.”

Remus broke the tension by pulling out a wad of chocolate from his pocket and distributing it so that Regulus got the lion's share. The lads were quietly munching away when Orion Black returned, his face schooled into an expression of impassivity. He stepped over to Regulus and with the grace of a movement formed by habit, bent down and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “We are taking you home early for the summer break,” Orion said quietly. “I will have the house elves deliver your trunk. Sirius,” he said, holding out his arm imperiously, “walk with me.”

His face reddening, Sirius hooked his arm through his father's, and ducked his head as the swathes of fawning girls and even slightly-homosexual boys gawked at “Sirius and his Hot Dad.”

“Where are we going, dad?” Sirius mumbled, not making eye contact with his father, lest he explode from awkwardness. Stupid purelood norms. Stupid polite societal mores that made you hold your dad’s hand in public. Argh.

“Somewhere private,” Orion said shortly. He looked around discreetly. “You have many admirers.”

Sirius could have melted in shame. “It’s not me they’re looking at,” he muttered, before looking up at his awful peers. “Hey! Stop gawking at my dad!”

There was a flurry of giggles as the crowd dispersed, and Sirius struggled to not perish at once. He looked back defiantly at his father, who was clearly enjoying Sirius’ man-pain. “My knight in shining armour,” Orion smirked. “Shall we?”

Sirius slunk into an abandoned classroom after his father, and winced as the door shut behind them. “A muffling charm, if you would,” Orion directed. Sirius bit down a groan and cast the charm. He was helping along his own death. 

Sirius turned to his father and thrust out his chest. “Let us be done with this,” he said boldly. “You know what happened. Take your pound of flesh.”

Orion sighed at his eldest’s dramatics. “Do stop being foolish.” He waited until Sirius had deflated to continue. “I had expected better of the Heir of House Black than to duel like a common brawler,” he snapped. “And then to endanger your brother! What were you thinking? Clearly, you were not,” he said, interrupting Sirius, who had made to open his mouth. “Do you even realize what you have done, you wretched boy?”

Sirius stepped back at the venom in his father’s voice. “I- I admit I was in the wrong,” he said. “But Regulus is safe-”

“Regulus is far from safe!” Orion hissed. “Your brother’s life is forfeit now! He is tied in a life debt to Potter!”

Sirius stepped back. “He- that’s not-”

“I checked his magic,” Orion whispered angrily. “His magic is intertwined with another’s. Potter’s.” Orion took a deep, angry breath. “My son, the scion of House Black, is indebted to a Potter! And it is due to your stupidity! Do you know what they can do to our family now? What they can ask of us?”

Sirius stood his ground. “The Potters are a properly noble family, father, more noble than some of your vassals, certainly. They would not abuse the life debt.”

“Oh, but they can’t not,” Orion said with a sour smile. “They are bound to collect, such is the force of Life Magic. They are entitled to Regulus’ life, now.” Orion watched as Sirius paled at his words. “You realize the gravity of the situation now. Your actions have caused your brother’s life to become forfeit.”

Sirius stood on shaking legs as the gravity of the situation sunk in. Regulus was not in control of his own life anymore. “No,” he rasped hoarsely, “no, J- James is honorable. He won’t do anything-”

“And his parents?”

Sirius snarled at his father. “Don’t talk about them! They are more human and more the parents than you could ever aspire to be! They treat people with kindness and respect, blood be damned! You, with all your prejudice, will never see that!”

Orion frowned. “Insolent boy! Even now, with the situation so dire, you would stand against your family!”

“You haven’t been anything that I could qualify as family for a long time now!” Sirius cried hysterically. “The Potters have looked after me every holiday, write to me with more depth of feeling in their words than you ever have! What kind of family is this? I certainly want no part in it!”

Orion hissed. “You would seek to break from us?”

Sirius laughed maniacally. “Oh sweet Morgana, yes! A million times yes! Better on the streets than a Black!”

Orion lunged forward and grasped Sirius’ arm in a painful grip, making his son gasp. “You fool! You have imperiled our family with your actions, taken from me my only good son, and now your ungrateful hide seeks to abandon us? Have you no shame? No repentance for your actions?

“Your brother, whom you have caused to be indebted to another, is ten times the man you will ever be! But see how cruel fate is - I am forced to cleave from the good son, but must retain the sinner!”

Orion gave Sirius a harsh shake. “You wish to run? You wish to leave your family?” Sirius startled as he saw tears in his father’s eyes and saw the tendons in his throat strain. “You would break your family, and abandon your brother at the hands of others. You are truly an ignoble soul.”

Orion let go and stepped back, drawing out a handkerchief and pressing it against his eyes. “What am I to tell Regulus? That Magic has decided that he has been claimed by another? That the House of Black is bound for ruination?”
Sirius was shaken at his father’s emotional outburst. It was so unlike the man, who had always been solid and stoic. Regulus’ situation had shaken his father to the core. “How am I supposed to give my son away, Sirius?” Orion asked, tearing into his heart. “How do I tell him that he cannot find shelter with his house?”

Sirius blinked back his own tears and sat down in a waiting chair. He was responsible for this. James was a good egg, the Potters were a blessing. But Regulus loved their father, and the family. He was a good boy, and his world was to be torn away from him. 

And it was Sirius’ fault. 

“I will not see my family fall into ruin,” Orion snapped, interrupting Sirius’ thoughts. “I had wished a hundred times that Regulus was my heir. But no. Fate had something else in mind.” Orion peered at his son. “You have taken my child from me, Sirius Orion. And you will take his place.”

Sirius looked up, shocked. “What? How?”

Orion sniffed, putting his handkerchief back. “Regulus will become another’s, such is what magic has decreed. But I intend for the House of Potter to know that they are taking the son of House Black - a House that is united to protect their own. We cannot appear weak, or disjointed.” Orion stared at Sirius, willing him to understand. “You must make sure that the House of Black will always be Regulus’ safe haven. The world must know that the House of Black is still strong, still stable.”

“You want me to still be the heir,” Sirius said plainly. 

“You have cost me one son,” Orion said. “I will not lose the other. Come what may.”

They stared at each other, unspeaking, for several minutes. Sirius took a breath, and stood, facing his father. “Very well. You will have your Heir.” He paused, choosing his next words with care. “Only so that Regulus will have his brother.”

Orion nodded. “Good. He will need it.”

***

Sirius and Orion headed back to the hospital wing together - linking arms, as society demanded -  and saw that Regulus was now the subject of a standoff between two parties - Sirius’ Gryffindor friends, and some of Regulus’ friends. Dumbledore was there as well, watching the showdown with a parcel of buttery popped-corn kernels. 

“Ah, Orion, you have returned,” Albus said, making everyone startle. “Let me introduce you to our little friends. Doubtlessly you know James Potter-” James waved half-heartedly, “-and these are Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. On the other side, we have Severus Snape and Lily Evans. Everyone here attempted to rescue Regulus from the lake this afternoon.”

Orion’s eyes swept over all of them. “You all have my thanks,” he said quietly, “for coming to the rescue of my son. Mr. Potter especially.”

“Mention not,” James grinned.

Orion flinched at the lack of formality. He looked at his eldest, whose arm was still hooked around his own. “Sirius? I believe that you have something to say.”

Sirius shuffled forward and bowed deeply. “I would present my sincere apologies to my peers, my brother, and my adversary, Severus Snape. I acted thoughtlessly, and I would assure you that my past actions will not inform my future ones.”

Snape, who had been drilled in pure-blood etiquette by his mother, was disbelieving, but nodded back. “Your sincere words are taken in the spirit that they are given,” he bit out clearly, surprising everyone present. 

“I do not recognize your name,” Orion said curiously. 

“My mother is Eileen Prince,” Severus said sourly, looking much like a lemon. 

Orion nodded. “A formidable gobstones player of much repute,” he remembered. “And yourself?” He asked Lily. “Who are you, that you attempted to rescue my son?”

“I am Lily Evans, and I was doing The Right Thing,” Lily said, her eyes flashing, her hair blazing like an angry sprite. “Regulus did not deserve to pay for the idiocy of others.”

Orion did not know what to make of this clearly muggleborn girl, who had leapt into danger after his son. He did not like having to acknowledge her, but honour demanded that he must. “You have the thanks of House Black,” Orion said clearly. “I would offer you both the patronage of our House as recompense.”

Before Lily could respond, Snape pinched her hard and bowed. “We would be honoured to accept the patronage of the House of Black,” he said quickly, shooting Lily a look that read ‘if you mess this up for us I will kill you slowly’.

Orion smiled to himself. He had found the Slytherin. It irked him to extend the favour of House Black to a muggleborn, but he supposed that honour demanded it. And Orion was an honourable man. 

Walburga was going to have a conniption, though. 

Severus dragged Lily out, hissing to her what the patronage meant. Their lives would improve by leaps and bounds with the word and guidance of Orion Black behind them. Orion turned now to Remus, who stared back at him with all the energy of some baked potatoes. “I would offer the same to you, but I think that your father would have Opinions about me,” he told Remus, who nodded. 

“Oh yes. He’s always going on about evil and dark blokes. Your name comes up quite frequently, sir.”

Orion eyed the lanky, sickly looking boy that was even now trying to feed Regulus chocolate. A hen, Orion thought. He would make an excellent wife and mother someday,  Pity about the scars. 

Oh wait. 

The scars. 

Orion turned alarmed eyes to Dumbledore, who unleashed an assault of whiny legilimency at him, begging him to stay silent. But Orion Black was not about to have his son be fed chocolate by a werewolf. 

Orion reached out and grabbed Remus’ shoulder, turning the mild boy to face him. Remus looked surprised, and like the jellybean that he was, interpreted this as a precursor to a hug. This was how Orion ended up in an awkward, bony embrace with a werewolf. “There, there, Mr. Black,” Remus clucked soothingly, “I am sure that your nerves are frayed, but Regulus is alright now.”

“Please release me,” Orion grunted. “I did not mean for this to turn into a hug.”

“Oftentimes men do not realize when hugs are needed. They never do ask for them. This is a result of toxic masculinity.”

“I am aware of the societal underpinnings of my gender, please, please, let me go,” Orion said, shaking himself loose, and watched the werewolf’s eyes, roving for another unwitting victim to catch in his devious emotional slush. Orion quickly sacrificed Sirius, and turned to James. 

“Mr. Potter.”

“Eh,” James said, spinning around. 

Orion bemoaned his fate. His poor little Regulus’ fate. “I shall be seeing you soon.”

“Er. Why, sir?”

Orion looked critically at the boy. “I shall have to owl your parents and have you all over for tea. There are Matters to be Discussed.”

James sensed the importance of those words, and nodded slowly. “Erm. Alright, sir. I’m just going to go...and talk to Squishius - I mean, er, Snivellus - er, Severus. Probably should apologize about being a hard wanker to him.”

James scuttled off, grabbing Remus and Peter, callously abandoning Sirius with his dad and brother. Orion sighed and sat back down, combing his fingers though Regulus’ dark hair. “My poor child,” he murmured, as Regulus purred and drifted off to sleep, “my poor, silly, unknowing child.” He looked at Sirius with baleful eyes. “What is to become of him?”

In the face of adversity, Sirius Black stood tall. “I’ll take care of him.”

Orion nodded. “We will take care of him.”

****
****

Chapter Text

Having found himself back at Grimmauld Place, Sirius did his best to meld into the wallpaper. Regulus was soon back to being a ray of sunshine, under the tender care of Kreacher, who had fallen to his ugly knees and sobbed when Orion had carried Regulus through the floo from the school. 

Kreacher then made it his life’s goal to nurse Regulus back to health by feeding him revitalizing soups and stews, and giving him awful elf-kisses, made even more awful by virtue of it being from Kreacher’s lips. 

Regulus did not seem to mind one bit, and in fact hugged Kreacher back frequently. Sirius tried to insist that a healer come to check Regulus’ sanity, but he was shot down by his amused father. 

The Black patriarch had several things on his mind, not least the training of his future reluctant heir. It was with this in mind that Orion barged into Sirius’ room at the crack of dawn, only to find it empty. He travelled further down the hall to Regulus’ room, and smirked as he found both his sons curled around each other, like some lonesome lemmings. 

Orion threw back the blanket and shot a mild stinging hex into Sirius’ tushy, awakening the boy with a squeal, followed by several choice words. 

Regulus woke more gracefully. “Oh, good morning daddy,” he greeted politely. “Sirius, stop cussing in the morning, it’s so boorish.”

Sirius retaliate by planted his afflicted bum firmly on Reg’s stomach, trapping him in place, before glowering at his father. “Why,” he asked angrily.

Orion opened the curtains, flooding the room with sunlight. “I shall not have my heir lazing about the house. Part of being a lord is looking like one,” he said, gesturing to his own smouldering bod. “One must work to maintain such a physique. Hence, we are doing calisthenics. Up!” He said sharply, tugging a groaning Sirius to his feet. 

“Can I come, daddy?” Regulus asked, like a complete hamster. 

“Certainly, pet,” Orion said happily, before giving Sirius a sharp smack as his eldest puddled bonelessly all over him. He lugged Sirius out to the garden, while Regulus bounced alongside them happily. “We shall start with the twists. One! Two!” Regulus followed along happily, while Sirius did so unenthusiastically. 

The trio then jogged around the garden (Sirius writhing like a slug) until Orion dismissed them to get cleaned up. “Go on,” he said. “If you are slick, you may even steal mummy’s nice lavender soap.”

Regulus raced upstairs to indulge in some saponic thievery, while Sirius eyes his bed covetously. Orion’s growl of warning had Sirius moving though, intent on spilling some of his father’s aftershave. 

At breakfast, Orion spoke to his wife. “Tonight we have the Potters for tea. Walburga, I trust that you will take care of the hospitality?”

From the opposite end of the table, Walburga sniffed, heightening her already upturned nose. “Naturally.” She watched as her sons oozed into the room, and narrowed her eyes at them. “Come here,” she ordered her boys. When her sons stood in front of her - Sirius grudgingly - she beckoned them to bend down. “Give mummy a kiss.”

Regulus obliged happily enough, while Sirius gagged his way through it. Walburga shot Sirius a glare, and gave Regulus a playful smack. “You’ve been in my creams and lotions again.”

“They are all so lovely, though,” Regulus sighed wistfully, as he sat down. “I have just spent the school year surrounded by boys who do the bare minimum whilst bathing and do not wash properly after quidditch. I need some refinement, mummy!”

“You would do well to follow your brother’s lifestyle,” Walburga addressed Sirius severely.

“What, and smell like a satchel of roses on the daily? The ladies will mistake me for one of them, and that would be a tragedy.” 

Orion rolled his eyes. “As I was saying, we will be having the Potters for tea this evening. Boys, do look presentable. Sirius.”

“Yessir?” Sirius grunted.

“We will commence your Heir studies today.”

Walburga looked delightedly at Orion while Sirius’ bile fluids seeped into his lungs. “Truly, Orion?” She asked.

Orion nodded, cutting primly into an orange. “Sirius has given me his word that he will fulfil his duties to the House.”

Walburga beamed, and Sirius flinched. Eww, his mum was smiling at him, super gross. 

“Can I watch, daddy?” Regulus asked, like an oversweet yam. 

Orion favoured his youngest with a soft smile that had Sirius retching into his egg cup. “Of course, sweetness.”

“Oh, Orion!” Walburga gasped. “You do not know how happy you have made me today!” She leaned over and hugged Sirius, squishing his struggling frame to her own. “I cannot believe that this day has come!”

Orion nodded, fixing Sirius with a knowing glare. “Indeed, Walburga. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

Sirius gulped, dreading the evening. There was truly more to this than what met the eye.

***

Sirius welcomed the Potters into his house, feeling very much like a prick in his overly embroidered robes. “Welcome, Lord and Lady Potter, Heir Potter,” he greeted his family of his heart. 

James looked similarly uncomfortable in his own formal robes. “Hail, Heir Black,” he muttered dutifully. “May we adjourn to your chambers so that we may divest ourselves of these ridiculous clothes?”

“I second your brilliant brain expulsion, Heir Potter.”

“Do shut up,” Orion instructed the boys, who fell against each other in commiseration. “Lord and Lady Potter. A pleasure.”

Fleamont and Euphemia Potter exchanged tense pleasantries with Orion, knowing full well why they had been invited this day. They chanced a look at Regulus, who was tiny and pure and generally sweet natured. Euphemia walked forward and took his hand in her own. “Greetings, Regulus.”

“Greetings, Lady Potter,” Regulus chriped. He looked down at her refined hands. “I love your bangles.”

Euphemia smiled softly at him. “Thank you, dear. Won’t you sit with us for tea?”

“I would love to,” Regulus beamed, glad to be included in what was clearly a grown-up scheme. “If it is alright with mother and father?”

Orion nodded and extended his arm to Fleamont, who snorted, but hooked his arm through anyway. “Honestly, Orion, why do we have to hold hands, it’s so weird-”

“It is Decorum.”

“It is ridiculous, we have known each other since we were in nappies, and I remember the shape of your toddling bum from those days you so keenly escaped your nappy.”

“Do zip it, Fleamont, lest I have cause to use your pet name once more.”

“Noooo, Fleem is not a good name, it sounds like runny phlegm.”

“Have a biscuit,” Orion said, sitting and pushing the platter towards his old nursery friend, “and stop talking about fluids, please. We are here to discuss The Issue.”

Fleamont and Euphemia both tensed, looking warily at Regulus, who had picked up on the atmosphere and looked deliberately poised, if tense himself. Regulus chanced a look at his father, who he found was looking at him as well. “Daddy?” He asked quietly, unsure. “What is the matter?”

To his shock, Orion reached over and held Regulus’ hand in his own larger, warmer grip. “Dumbledore must have told you,” he addressed the elder Potters, who nodded. 

“Surely, Orion, there must be another way,” Euphemia whispered. Beside her, James was sitting ramrod straight, his eyes flicking carefully over everyone in the room. He met Sirius’ eyes, and was shocked to find his friend - his brother - looking morose. 

“I have looked, as I am sure you have as well,” Orion said, as he held up a hand to silence Walburga’s questions. “The truth is, that the day that James saved Regulus from drowning, Regulus was close to death. His magic reached out and bound itself to your son’s, and your son’s magic accepted his debt. They are bonded, by the will of Fate and Magic itself.”

Walburga gave a shuddering gasp, and fell back into her chair. Kreacher rushed over and fanned his mistress’ face, as the Potters’ paled at the confirmation of their own research. Regulus was pale as well, and sidled closer to the solid warmth of his father. “Daddy, what does that mean?” He asked quietly.

To his surprise yet again, Orion pulled Regulus to nestle at his side before speaking quietly and directly to him. No one else mattered at that moment. “It means that you are bound to Heir Potter in a life debt. You have been bound to his very magic.” He looked at James, who looked absolutely stunned. “You returned my son to safety, and magic decided that he was beholden to you, Heir Potter.”

“There must be a way to satisfy the life debt without involving the children,” Fleamont insisted. “Perhaps if I took Regulus as my apprentice-”

“The bond is with James, not you, darling,” Euphemia said, her clever eyes boring into Orion’s. “As it stands, there is only one way of fulfilling the debt before Regulus’ magic turn on him as vengeance of the unfulfilled debt.”

“Daddy?” Regulus asked, horrified. “W-what’s going to happen?”

Sirius’ heart shattered at the naked panic in his brother’s voice. He could not restrain himself rising and wrapping Regulus in his arms. “Regulus, don’t worry,” he soothed his little chipmunk brother. “Please. We will resolve this.”

Orion took a moment to gather himself before addressing the Potters. “I would like to propose an alliance between our Houses,” he said. “I would give my son, Regulus Arcturus, to your son, James, er-”

“James Melanthios,” Fleamont provided. 

“-really? Melanthios? You named your son flower?”

“Hey! You didn’t see him when he was born! He was as pretty as a petal!”

“Oh my god dad,” James muttered in horror. 

Orion shook his head and started again. “I would give my son, Regulus Arcturus, to your son, James Melanthios, to join our Houses in marriage.”

“What!” James said, jumping up in rage and shock. Seeing his reaction, Regulus burst into tears, sobbing all over his brother, who could only cradle him and whisper soothing words to him. “How could you-! Mum, dad! You can’t-!”

To James’ horror, Fleamont was looking shrewdly at Orion. “Perhaps we ought to let the boys speak, Orion.”

“I can’t believe that you would do this!” James cried. “How can you institute this backward practice of choosing your child’s spouse-”

Regulus’ sobbing grew in intensity. His magic would turn against him for sure, he was spared from a watery grave only to burn from within now. 

Kreacher had had enough. Gathering all of his bony strength, he threw everyone out of his way to get to Regulus, pushing James and Sirius out of the way to cradle Regulus against his awful chest. He turned angry eyes upon James, and pointed at him. “You will not harm Master Regulus!”

James balked at the ball of sheer ugliness addressing him, what even was that thing, surely it was evil. “Hey! Let go of Regulus, you wad of skin!” James grabbed hold of Regulus and pulled at him. “C’mere, get away from that thing-”

Regulus squeaked at being pulled over to James’ side. “That’s Kreacher! He’s not a thing, he’s the best!”

Kreacher gasped tremulously. “The bad haired brat seeks to steal away the child of Kreacher’s heart!” He cried, and made a lunge towards Regulus.

“Oh my god,” James cried, and shoved Regulus behind him for safe-keeping. “Get back!”

Sirius sighed and bodily picked Kreacher up. “Stop it, you bag of bones!” He ordered. Kreacher went limp in Sirius’ hands, but scowled angrily at all and sundry. “James, please,” Sirius said, pleading, “let me explain.” He turned to Orion. “Dad, let me speak to them, please. And here, you can hold Kreacher.”

“Egads,” Orion said, catching Kreacher, who Sirius had just flung at him. Sirius beat a quick escape, grabbing James and Regulus and running into the hallway. 

“First of all!” James cried, “What was that thing!”

“That was Kreacher, our elf,” Sirius said, once he had gotten far enough from the adults. “Though it was definitely creepy to hear him call Regulus his child.” He looked at Regulus, who was unrepentant. “Elf-spawn.”

Regulus squeaked. “There is nothing wrong with Kreacher loving me! He is nice and caring and just because he is ugly does not mean that he is undeserving of my affection!”

“Can we focus, please,” James pleaded. “I am about to be married to Regulus, whom I have always considered a little fae creature that hides underneath leaves in the moonlight and subsists off of berries.”

“Gay,” Sirius opined. 

“B-but,” Regulus sounded close to tears again, “what’s going to happen now? Potter won’t marry me, and the life debt- my magic-” he looked up at Sirius with tear-filled eyes. “Sirius, am I going to d-die?”

“No!” Sirius yelled. “No, Reg! Never!” Sirius looked pleadingly at James. “James-”

James looked stricken by Regulus’ words. He could not bring himself to speak.

Regulus choked back his tears to address him. “Y-you can’t f-force him to marry me,” he said. “T-that’s wrong, and- and I wouldn’t feel right. But I don’t want to die either, Siri,” Regulus choked out. “I just- I just want things to b-be okay again,” he whispered tremulously. “I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“But you’ll be hurt if I don’t marry you, Reg,” James said quietly. He reached into his pocket to offer Regulus his hanky. “Here, wipe your eyes.” James turned to look at Sirius, who was no longer standing. Instead, he was on his knees. 

“James.”

“Er. Sirius.”

Sirius scuttled forward, now at crotch level with James. “James, brother of  my soul.”

“Sirius, brother of my heart,” James replied, “please don’t talk to my penis.”

“I am begging you.”

“I realize that, but I am still very conscious of my wang.”

“I am begging you for my baby brother’s life.”

“Sirius old bean, your face is inches from my manhood.”

James helped Sirius to his feet. “James, please,” Sirius begged. “I can’t lose Regulus. He is everything that is good about this accursed family, everything that I have loved about this inbred mess of a house. I have loved him since he was just born - a mushy, ugly thing - and have vowed to protect him till the day I die. But I cannot bear his life debt-”

“Thank goodness, or I would have to marry you,” James said, horrified. 

“Would that be so bad?”

“Yes, it would, it would be too much like inbreeding.”

“James my chum, do I turn you off so?”

“Like no other,” James confirmed, patting Sirius’ shoulder, and they embraced manfully. He looked at Regulus, who was looking confusedly between the pair. James smiled at Regulus before turning back to Sirius. “At least this would make us proper brothers, eh?”

Sirius threw himself at James, sobbing gratefully into his friend’s shoulder. “How could I refuse?” James asked. He looked kindly at Regulus, who looked ready to cry again. “How could I refuse knowing that your life was on the line, Regulus?

“We have been thrust into this, for sure, but for everyone’s sake, we can try and make this work. It’s my responsibility, as a wizard. Upon my magic, I swear, Regulus, that I will take care of you. I saved you once, and I would be a cad if I were to leave you now.” James took Regulus hand in his. “I will have you, Regulus Black, if you would have me in return.”

Regulus bit his lip. “B-but don’t you love that other girl? Jilly?”

James’ eyes dimmed at the mention of Lily. “My love is not returned,” he said quietly. “And my responsibility to you comes before my unrequited feelings for another.”

“B-but I am already making you unhappy then,” Regulus said. “I am a burden to you simply by existing!”

“No, no,” James hastened to calm the boy, “don’t say that! Reg, please, try to understand. You are more to me than a hypothetical future. If it means keeping you alive, and safe, then it is something I would gladly sacrifice.” James looked at Sirius. “Besides, I get Sirius in a two for one deal. Even if he is the less pretty brother.”

Regulus was startled into a giggle, which seemed to be a beacon for Kreacher who apparated on top of the trio. “The Potter boy has saved Kreacher’s bonny boy!” The elf shrieked happily, holding onto James’ knee. “Kreacher is forever grateful!”

James screamed thinly at the abomination grabbing at him, and tried to shake it off unsuccessfully. “Help!”

Kreacher then released James and ran to Regulus, who picked him up and hugged the old elf. “Isn’t James lovely, Kreacher?”

“Yes, that’s me, Most Lovely Wizard in all of Britain,” James preened. “But can we try this again?” He asked Regulus, gesturing for him to put Kreacher down. “I would have your hand, Regulus Black, if you would have mine in return?”

Regulus smiled softly. “I would have you, James Potter, to cherish and honour, forevermore,” he replied, formally sealing the agreement. 

“Kreacher fainted,” Sirius said, breaking the moment. “We should get back to dad, he can throw him into the firepit or something. That’ll wake the old bag of arthritis up.”

“Don’t be awful,” Regulus squealed. 

They trooped back, and re-entered the sitting room, where Orion met them first. “What-”

“Here dad, could you throw Kreacher into the well? He fainted when James and Reg accepted each other.”

Fleamont and Euphemia both looked relieved and proud, rushing over to hug their son on his decision. Walburga collapsed into relieved tears, and Orion looked close to following his wife. Instead, he held his hand out to James. James carefully accepted, and poised himself perfectly. “Lord Black. I swear to you that I will look after your son from this day forward.”

“Heir Potter,” Orion said, squeezing James’ hand hard, “I know you will.”

“Eep.”

“Daddy, we should really do something,” Regulus said, gesturing to Kreacher in his arms. 

“Put him near the iron, that’ll do it,” Orion said. The group trouped to the iron and set Kreacher atop the still warm appliance, which did the trick. 

“Oh! Ooh!” The old sack of hideousness cried, waking up, “Oh! Master Regulus is saved! The Potter has saved Kreacher’s little boy! What a glorious day this is!”

Regulus went on pampering Kreacher, the delirious bag of cats, while Orion turned to the Potters. “Thank you,” he said, meaning it. “Sirius did not exaggerate when he called you the noblest people that he knew.”

Sirius turned red and clashed with the furniture, while Euphemia smiled. “I cannot think of a higher compliment.” She turned to Regulus, who had reattached himself to his father. “And what a gem we have found in Regulus,” she said, and Regulus immediately resembled Sirius’ powerful blush and puddled to the floor.

“Then it is done,” Orion said, with palpable relief. “We are joined together. When shall the children wed?”

“When they see fit, I suppose,” Fleamont shrugged. “I am not one to push these things. Relationships must take their natural course.”

“I would like to complete my mastery, and I am sure that Regulus would too,” James said stoutly. “What do you want to study, Reg?”

“I was thinking Care of Magical Creatures,” Regulus hummed, shooting a look at a proud Kreacher, who had swelled up like a maternal balloon. 

“Oh my god, stop letting Kreacher influence your career path,” Sirius said, horrified. 

“I was thinking of becoming an auror-” James started, only for his mother to shoot him a glare. 

“The mortality rate is far too high.”

“Er. Cursebreaker?”

“Unacceptable.”

“Um, Experimental Spellcraft?”

“James.”

“Mum?”

“Have you given the brain cell to Sirius just now?”

“Ma!”

“You will choose something not likely to leave your fiance a young widower,” Euphemia said sternly, and Regulus beamed. 

“There is plenty of time for a decision,” Fleamont said genially. “But for now, let us revel in the moment - I have acquired a tiny new son, this is great.”

Regulus looked pleased to be accepted so quickly. “I am so lucky to have gained such a welcoming family,” he said, blinking his owlish eyes happily. 

“Yeah, same,” James muttered, looking fearfully at Orion and Kreacher. Then he looked at Walburga and felt despair. Finally, he looked at Siirus, and all was right in the world. 

“Well if nothing else, the next school year will be interesting,” James said causally. He winked at Regulus. “Hogsmeade trips will be different for sure.”

Regulus, despite his misgivings, smiled. If James was making an effort in this relationship, then he would certainly match it, if not do more. After all, his new lease on life was just beginning.

***
***

Chapter Text

With the betrothal contract set, Orion was able to relax. Now, all he had to focus on was training Sirius up to take his place as Lord Black. “A formal announcement is in order,” he decided at the dinner table. “We will have a society gathering, announcing Regulus’ betrothal. It will also allow Regulus to see his intended again.”

“Oh, how lovely,” Regulus said, like an optimistic little lemming. 

Orion turned to Sirius, who was sore from his calisthenic classes from the morning. “You will also interact with the people as Heir Black.”

Sirius tried to groan, but could not move his jaw, such was the state of his fatigue. “Myurgh,” he managed, before he expended the last of his chemical energy. 

“You will have to memorize the names of the Lords and Ladies and their heirs, learn about their holdings, businesses, and the current affairs to have pertinent talking points- are you listening, Sirius?”

“Yes,” Sirius muttered, trying hard not to pass out from boredom.

“Good,” Orion said shrewdly. “Then you will not reject the chance at planning the society event of the year.”  

“What!” Sirius’ head snapped up, his eyes wide. “Dad!”

“I am so glad to see you taking on your responsibilities,” Orion smirked.

“This is cruel and unjust!” Sirius wailed. 

“Make sure to address the invitations properly,” Orion went on, uncaringly. “Don’t invite any unsavoury people.”

“May I call some of my friends, father?” Regulus asked. 

“Who, dearest?”

“I was thinking about Rab Lestrange and Barty Crouch from my year,” Regulus said, “and Severus and Lily form the year above mine. They tried to save me too, remember?”

Orion flinched at the thought of a muggleborn and a halfblood being in the same room as he, but found himself swallowing his pride. The pair had indeed played a role in Regulus’ rescue. “Very well. Sirius, make note,” he snapped. Then, he eyed his eldest and decided to throw him a bone. “You may invite two of your friends.”

Sirius brightened, and Orion praised his own manipulation prowess. “Oh jolly good, I shall call Remus and Peter.”

Orion nearly choked on a grapefruit seed and perished, horrified at the thought of the touchy werewolf being around him again. Ah! How his house of cards tumbled down around his ears!

Walburga was looking rather citrusy at the other end of the table. “I forbid it! I will not entertain the likes of-”

“Those who saved your son,” Orion said, his voice measured yet firm. “Have a care, Walburga.”

Walburga looked as though she would morph into a black hole, with the extent that she was sucking her lips inwards. Eventually, she nodded tightly and then subsided. 

Orion turned to Sirius, who was pouting. “Stop doing that, it is most unattractive. You will additionally open the dancing with a waltz. Choose your partner well. Regulus will be dancing with his affianced, of course.”

“Oh dear,” Regulus mumbled, “but I have two left feet, daddy, I must practice! Kreacher, will you spare some time to practice with me tonight?”

Kreacher glowed with the warmth of a pregnant gibbon. Sirius shuddered at the awful image. “But of course, little master!” He crowed, the very image of a proud mother. 

At least they had one emotive mother, Sirius thought sourly, before Orion cleared his throat again. “Sirius, you will demonstrate your dancing now so that you will not shame us at the party.”

Sirius stood hesitantly and displayed some truly atrocious footwork that brought Orion close to tears. “Unacceptable!” He barked, stopping Sirius mid-groove. “Is this the quality of dance that you have absorbed from your lessons? Pathetic! And I suppose that your peers are no better. Tchah! I will not have your guests humiliating the House of Black! You will all be trained!”

“Remus can do the samba,” Sirius grouched. ”His mum is Brazilian, they go to Carnival every year.”

“The wolf is foreign?” Walburga gasped, aghast. 

“He's from Wales.”

Walburga brought a dainty (clawed, Sirius thinks) hand to her lips in shock. 

Orion looked like he was despairing of Sirius. He usually was. “I shall not have the boy - wolf - shaking his hips in my hallway. You will all learn to dance properly.”

Sirius moped, but eventually sent invites to Remus, Peter, Lily, James and even Snape about the party and the need for dance lessons. He received an owl from Severus by afternoon tea. 

“Black, 

“I know how to dance. I was raised with culture. Never write to me again. 

“Sincerely, 

“Severus Snape.”

James responded with a hesitant affirmative, additionally asking if Regulus would wear a brooch if he bought him one. When asked, Regulus fell out of his chair with a squeak of happiness, but shot Sirius a thumbs up from the floor. Sirius shook his head good-naturedly and went to  write back to James. 

Lily responded next, slightly nervously, accepting his offer and asking whether it would be safe, not that she was insinuating anything about his family. Sirius vowed that she was under his father's patronage, and that she was therefore safe. 

Peter whined via owl, because his parents were thrilled that he was going to a Black party, how their son was climbing the social ladder! Peter was more concerned with dancing with Sirius, he was not willing to have his toes crushed, he was going to dance with Moony instead.

Remus' reply was more sanguine, with an affirmative, and a question of whether he ought to bring flowers, his begonias were blooming something lovely, perhaps Sirius' sophisticated father would like that kind of thing. Privately, Sirius thought that if Moony had not been a werewolf, Orion would have adopted him on the spot. 

But then Mrs. Lupin would have killed him. She was a police officer, apparently, and she had experience in such things. 

****

The day after, Sirius let his friends in with a forced smile. Snape was there too, having come along to protect Lily. Sirius was mildly glad for this, knowing that if push came to shove, Snape would absolutely unleash all nine layers of hell to protect his best friend. If he was honest, Snape scared Sirius - he did not want to think of the kinds of curses a truly angry Snape was capable of. He was definitely capable of taking on Walburga Black. 

But as it stood, they were safe. Orion had slipped a dreamless sleep draught into Walburga’s tea, and she was fast asleep upstairs, so Sirius could relax. 

“Ah, Squishius, you have decided to come after all.”

Snape’s formidable brow furrowed. “What did you call me?”

“Squishius,” Sirius repeated with a huge smile, “because you are secretly a sentimental, squishy fellow - Reggie has told me all about how you are secretly a nice chap.”

Severus glared at Regulus, who waved back happily, completely oblivious to the damage he had caused his friend’s reputation as a brooding, menacing, mysterio. James grinned and waved Regulus over, and presented him with a little brooch. “It’s to pin your cloak with,” he said, revelling in the little squeal that Regulus emitted. “It’s jade, I got it in the bazaar when I went to China,” he explained. “I thought that the colour was pretty.”

“Thank you!” Regulus said, beaming at James, who blushed at the unfiltered praise. Regulus then grabbed James and took him inside, eager to show him around the house. As soon as they were gone, Lily cooed. 

“They’re so cute!”

Sirius snorted. “Nauseating, really. And to think that James was keen on you.”

“Urgh. Please never say that again, or I will empty my stomach on your face. I think that Regulus is a lovely match for him though,” she hummed. “He’s sweet, and kind, and a bit fluff-headed. Potter likes to take care of people, and Regulus will take care of him in turn. They’re surprisingly wholesome together.”

“It’s good that Regulus is happy with James,” Remus agreed, making everyone jump. He had lulled everyone into forgetting his presence, having effortlessly blended into the bookshelf. “They’ll keep each other busy. Otherwise, they could have both gotten into some serious messes.”

A somber silence fell over the group, with no one acknowledging the threat of the rising lunatic Dark Lord. He was the talk of Slytherin House amongst the pure bloods, and even in some of the other houses. Sirius had punched plenty of people for it. Now that Remus had said it, Sirius shuddered inwardly at the thought of Regulus being drawn into that man’s brand of violent nonsense. Outwardly, he snorted. “We are Blacks, and the Noble House of Black bows to no man.”

“Well said,” Orion’s silky voice said from behind him. Sirius turned to see Orion behind him, gazing at his son placidly. “Toujours Pur, Toujours L’avance. But come, children. We must not dally, for time is short. The fete is fast approaching, and the guests of House Black must represent us well.” His eyes lingered on Remus and Lily, the latter of whom bristled slightly. 

“I am a ballet dancer, Mr. Black, I am sure that a waltz would not be too difficult,” she said pointedly. 

Orion smiled, lining the fire within her. She would need it to defend herself in the lion’s den. “We shall see.” He looked at Severus, who scowled. “Eileen would have taught you to dance, I presume?”

Severus shook his head. “Narcissa.”

Orion laughed, a surprisingly nice sound. “Ah, my niece is the mothering sort, is she not? But she does not cater to those who are not impressive in and of themselves. You must have caught her eye,” he said, revising his opinion of the half blood. 

“She saw me cast a depilator curse in my second year,” Severus revealed. 

Orion nodded, impressed. “A difficult curse indeed,” he noted. The boy must be truly powerful and savage. Excellent traits to have. He turned to Peter, who looked incredibly unassuming. “You are my eldest’s friend.”

Peter nodded shakily. “I tend to remind Sirius to do his homework when Moony is mad at him. I also pet his hair when he has nightmares until he goes back to sleep.”

Sirius startled. “That’s you that touches me at night?”

“Please don’t say it like that,” Peter winced.

Sirius looked sentimental. “I thought that it was the ghosts of my nicer ancestors or something, I didn’t realize that it was you, Pete.”

“No, it’s me. Remus sleeps like a log because he’s always tired, and James has nightmares too. I go between petting both your heads.”

Now James looked touched. “Aw, Pete.”

Peter looked uncomfortable with all of the positive emotion being directed at him. “Please don’t-” Several people began to coo at him, and Peter shuffled over to hide behind Remus. 

Meanwhile, Orion was looking shrewdly at Sirius. “You have nightmares?” He asked, quietly so that only Sirius could hear. Sirius jumped at the whisper, and looked around.

“Well, sometimes,” he hedged. “Just normal stuff.”

“Such as?”

“Mum.”

Orion sighed heavily. He had told Walburga repeatedly to ease off of the boys, and he was now proven right. If she was so cruel in their subconscious, then she was definitely a negative presence in their waking lives. 

“Let us hasten to the ballroom,” Orion said, briefly putting the matter from his mind. “You will all need instruction in wizarding dance routines-”

“Who will be teaching us, daddy?” Regulus piped up. “Oh, I hope it is not Miss Barberry, she was so mean to us during our tuitions.”

“No,” Orion said, and whipped off his cloak, revealing his tight bod in a plunging necked, flowing white shirt. “It is I.”

Lily, Remus, Peter, and Snape’s eyes popped clear out of their skulls at the sight of Sirius’ hot dad, while Sirius himself prayed for the doors to hell to open and gobble him up. “Sirius, come,” Orion said imperiously, and Sirius could have perished right then and there, but did not, to his own everlasting despair.  

Orion led the gang to the ballroom, where he stopped in the middle and held out his arm, his expectant hand stretched out. He looked meaningfully at Sirius, who could have melted with mortification because oh my god, I have to dance with my evil dad, ew, ew, ew.

“Observe my footwork carefully,” Orion instructed the room at large, before nodding to Kreacher, who started the music. 

Sirius was tremendously put out that somehow, against all odds, Orion was a good teacher. Slowly, Sirius found himself learning the steps, his face blushing as bright as a tomato the whole while. For his part, Orion was enjoying the sight of his son’s abject misery, humming to himself as he swept them across the length of the room. Once the song had finished, he expertly flung Sirius aside and held out his arm to Regulus, who bounded over happily. 

Sirius puddled to the floor in horror, barely registering Snape’s stifled snorts of glee, oh my god, Snape was totally going to make this his patronus memory, Sirius’ horror was going to be immortalized in whatever Snape’s patronus was - probably a flobberworm. 

“Snape, can you cast a patronus?”

Severus looked surprised, but nodded. “Yes.”

“What’s it look like?”

“It is a doe, the same as Lily’s.”

“Oh,” Sirius said, as Lily beamed at her best friend. Sirius could live with the memory of this day being transformed into something beautiful. It was poetic, even - the transformation of his suffering. Still, he had to be sure. “It’s a normal doe, right? Not mutated, or got three eyes, five legs or something?”

“Black, you are atrocious,” Snape marvelled. “A true beast.”

“Thanks. Rawr,” Sirius growled, making Snape's spleen wither in horror.

Meanwhile, Orion beckoned James forward. “Let us see you and Regulus dance together. After all, this is to celebrate your engagement. All eyes will be upon you.”

There was a sharp intake of breath from those gathered. “You never said!” Lily hissed at Sirius. “How could you let-”

“Lily, stop,” Snape whispered sharply. “Look.” Severus forcibly turned LIly’s head towards the dancing duo, now working their  way around each other, occasionally fumbling their footwork and sharing shy little smiles as they started up again. 

For once, Lily was at a loss for words. “They- they’re-”

“They’re fine, Lily,” Severus assured her. “They like each other. They may not love each other just yet, but they are obviously putting forth some effort.”

As Lily watched, she saw a little pink blush creep up James’ cheeks. They were cute, she realized, though she still balked at the backward tradition. Lily rounded on Sirius with a glare. “You are going to explain exactly what is going on.”

“Over tea,” Sirius promised. 

Lily's tirade was interrupted when Orion held out his hand to her. She looked at him perplexedly, shocked that he would touch a muggleborn out of his own free will. Nonetheless, she took his hand and proceeded to put her skills from Anna Crispin's School of Ballet to good use. 

By the time they were done, Oruon was sufficiently pleased. “Acceptable,” he proclaimed, and it felt like more than just judgement about her dancing. “Practice with your friend,” he directed her to Severus. “You are most comfortable with him.”

When he would previously have felt a twinge of jealousy, James found that he now did not register much feeling at all, seeing Lily dance with Snape. They looked happy, and James had his own adorable hamster to partner with. James took a quick look around to check that nobody was watching, and then whispered to Regulus, “Hey, wanna try something?”

Regulus looked up curiously. “What?”

James quickly pressed a tiny kiss to Regulus' cheek, and was rewarded at the pretty pink shade that flooded Regulus' cheeks, and the happy little squeak. 

Ever the overprotective mongoose, Orion looked over. “Regulus?”

“Nothing daddy, I just tripped,” Regulus lied. He looked back at James and bit his lip to hide a smile before scuttling off to go and bug Sirius, and James felt inordinately proud. There was something so pure and innocent about it all, and he couldn't help it feel a bit thrilled whenever Regulus reacted to him so sweetly.

But where Orion may not have noticed, Regulus' other parent had seen James' little feat of daring. 

Kreacher.

“You is kissing Kreacher's bonny boy,” Kreacher hissed at James, pointing accusingly. “You is not being Proper. Kreacher will not see his Little Master Regulus being defiled!”

“Oh no,” James said, and tried to shift out of Kreacher's bony grasp of anguish. “Help!”

Sirius came over with a sigh to pry Kreacher off of James, depositing Regulus with Snape and Lily, where he proceeded to talk their collective ears off about his future plans to study Elf Magic in Care of Magical Creatures. 

“Sev, Lily, you both take Kettleburn's class, do you not? Tell me, do you cover house elves in fifth year?”

“No. However, I did capture a unicorn and take some of its tears to brew some Felix Felicis,” Snape replied. 

“Oh no!” Regulus cried, while Lily glared at Snape. “How did you make it cry?”

“I told it about my childhood.”

Lily was left to rescue Regulus and divert the conversation. Meanwhile, Orion had, with great misgivings, called upon Remus to be trained. 

“Sirius tells me that you dance,” Orion said, casting a doubtful glance at Remus' rather beige countenance.

“I'm part Brazilian,” Remus said, nodding sedately. “I do the samba.”

“We shall soon see about that,” Orion sniffed, and proceeded to eat all his words when Remus surged to life and pulled Orion close in his strong grip, his eyes flaring with the passion of a dancer. Remus moved like water, his hips and legs moving with power, purpose, and intent.

“Oh my stars,” Orion mumbled, as Remus finally released him onto wobbly legs and regained his true persona of unseasoned mashed turnip. Orion waddled off to contemplate his life, and how a half-Brazilian werewolf had upended his entire day. 

“I can't believe that something that raunchy took place under my roof,” Orion muttered unhappily. “I shall have to cleanse the entire ballroom.”

Meanwhile, the kids had adjourned to the sitting room for tea and posh bikkies. It had not failed to escape Orion’s notice that Regulus and James were holding hands. Egads, but he did not think that they would take to each other quite so quickly. He followed at a more sedate pace, looking to eavesdrop on the scheming minds of the teenagers. 

“...Mrs. Potter told James that he would have to rethink his auror career path,” Regulus was saying happily, “so that I will not be a young widow.”

“Quite right,” Remus said primly. “Though we would look after you if James did die, Regulus. I think that Severus would be up to marry you.”

Severus nearly had a fit. “Egads.”

Lily giggled. “You awful boys, stop giving Severus a conniption. Potter’s not about to die anytime soon.”

“Oh, but I worry ever so much,” Regulus fretted. “What with that new Dark Lord up and about - did you know that Cousin Bella has been espousing his ideals? I think that it is a matter of time before she goes off the deep end to join up with him.”

“She’s already off the deep end,” Sirius snorted. “Uncle Cygnus thought that marrying her off to Roddy Lestrange would give her a different set of responsibilities, but old Roddy’s as cuckoo as Bella is.”

“I’m rather considering becoming an auror myself at this point,” Lily grumbled, “if only to have a go at this ‘dark lord’ myself.”

“You shall not,” Snape bit out emphatically. “I have not wept since the age of three, and I do not aim to weep over you in the near future.”

“You haven’t cried since you were a toddler?” Sirius asked, agog. “Gosh, but that’s not healthy, Snape. What has caused your stunted emotional development?”

“My awful childhood,” Snape replied, making everyone wince. 

“Back to the brewing war,” James said, drawing groans from his peers, “what are our plans? I know that Reg and I will get married-” here, both boys paused to smile - “and Reg will do his Mastery on Kreacher’s relatives.”

“House elf magic, not Kreacher specifically,” Regulus pouted. 

“I have sold my soul and agreed to take on my duties as Heir to House Black,” Sirius sighed heavily. “Alas! My youth and vigour shall be sapped as I absorb yucky old knowledge from mounds of mouldy parchment!”

“Black you complete baboon, you are the sole Heir to a Wizengamot seat and will have the second most powerful voice in the land. You are simply an odious bourgeois brat who does not realize the power of his own position,” Snape said hotly. 

Sirius blinked at the anger behind Snape’s words. “Wow, Squish, I’ve never heard you speak so passionately. It’s really hot.”

“Black!”

“So apart from eating the rich, what are your plans for the future? Not joining the dark lord, I hope.”

“Rather not, I do not aim to perish in the near future,” Snape sniffed. “I will train at St Mungos as a medical potioneer.”

Sirius whistled lowly. “Lofty goals, Squishius. Lofty goals. Do you think you can get into the program? It’s devilishly difficult.”

Here, Snape smiled with the surety of a man who had stacked all of his cards in just the right angle. “Of course I will. I guarantee it.” Suddenly, Orion knew when the Snape boy would call upon Orion’s word as his patron. Snape then turned to Lily. “If you say the word ‘auror’ again, I shall pinch you.”

Lily glared. “Auror.”

Severus pinched her, eliciting an angry “Ow!”

“I want to become an auror,” Peter said, and dodged three sets of pinchers from his friends, who were suitably impressed at his agility. 

“Damn, Pete,” James whistled, “who knew you could move that quick.”

Peter looked rather happy, and grinned, looking at Remus. “What about you, Moony? Wanna join me and defeat the forces of evil?”

“My mum’s upstairs,” Sirius provided happily, and was kicked by his horrified watermelon of a brother. 

“Hush, you awful cad,” Lily said to Sirius, before turning back to Remus. “What do you want to do, Remus?”

Remus looked sad. “I...I suppose I don’t have much of a choice. You all know that I am- that is to say-”

“A werewolf,” James informed Regulus who jumped in shock.

“Oh my!” Regulus peered at Remus, who continued to channel a sack of potatoes. “Plot twist.”

“Yes, quite,” Remus smiled dourly. “I fear that I will be asked by Dumbledore to infiltrate the werewolf packs,” he said. “The news is that several packs are turning to this dark lord chap, and Dumbledore has told me that it is vital to have someone reporting on their movements-”

“No!” Sirius shouted, slapping the table. The sound of his Heir ring hitting the wood reverberated harshly throughout the room, making everyone, including a still hidden Orion, jump. “I cannot believe my ears!”

“They are rather small,” Remus noted. 

“No! Remus, you can’t do this! It’s suicide!”

“It’s necessary,” Remus said quietly. 

“It is not!” Sirius shouted, leaping to his feet. “You are not beholden to Dumbledore! You are the master of your destiny as much as any of us here are!”

“You know that I cannot escape what I am, Sirius,” Remus said softly. “How can I not repay Dumbledore for taking a chance on me? I owe him my life.”

“No you don’t!” James said hotly. “You know who you owe? Your parents, who never gave up hope. Who tended to your cuts and scars and tears and smiled through the pain. You owe Madam Pomfrey, who went out to get you every full moon, wiped away your blood, and carried you back into the castle like her own child.” James stopped, his chest heaving. Regulus was looking at him with stars in his eyes. “You owe us, your friends! You owe us to not break our hearts by jumping headfirst into a maniacal scheme cooked up by Dumbledore!”

“Dumbledore sent the letter that was on the student roster,” Peter said quietly. “He did what he ought to have done. But you worked for it too, Moony, you worked so hard.” Peter reached out and patted Remus’ shaking hand. “Moony, if you got a Hogwarts Letter, then it’s because the Magic of the school said that it wanted Remus John Lupin to attend. You can’t mess with that ancient call.”

Remus wiped away the bit of moisture that had built up in his eyes. “Ah, I am weeping in public,” he noted, “this will never do.”

“At least you are able to weep,” Snape consoled him. “The most that happens to me now is a mild itch in my tear glands.”

“Oh no,” Remus said, feeling terrible about Snape’s awful childhood. They all had their demons, it seemed. 

“I cannot let you throw your life away, Remus, you mean too much to me and I am an awfully selfish chap,” Sirius said, drawing himself to his full height. “By my place as Heir Black, I do place you, Remus John, under my protection!”

Remus stared balefully at his overly dramatic friend. “That’s not a real thing, Sirius.”

“It is, actually,” Orion said, finally emerging from his hiding spot, and making everyone shriek. Orion waited until they had settled before fixing his eldest with his sharp gaze. “What Sirius tried to do was to invoke the ritual of vassalage to a Lord’s House, but he did not follow protocol. This is why the magic was not binding.” Orion looked at Remus. “If you wish it, you may ally yourself with the House of Black, as our vassal. It would then be within Sirius’ purview to forbid the tremendously stupid thing that you wished to do.”

“Yes!” Sirius cried, dashing forward and grasping Remus’ hand. “Say yes, Moony! That way, you’ll be safe!”

Remus patted Sirius’ cheek bemusedly before turning to Orion. “And what is required of me, as your vassal?” He asked shrewdly. 

Orion nodded approvingly. “You will be called upon to protect your Lord, should the time come. You will fight for your Lord’s interests and his honour, and in turn, your Lord will protect you from those that seek to harm you.” He paused and looked at Lily. “This was traditionally how muggleborns were integrated into our world. It ensured that they were safe under their Lord, and that they could not act to...endanger Wizarding society with their previous affiliations.”

“It was a failsafe,” Lily realized, “for the wizards.”

“Correct,” Orion nodded. “The practice has fallen out of style, but there are still those old muggleborns who are vassals of a Lord. The Lord would have helped the muggleborn secure their place with a profession and help them make a good marriage. In time, they may even have their own lineages.”

“Are there any that we know of?” Severus asked curiously. 

“The House of Blishwick and the Diggle family come from roots in muggleborn vassalage. The House of Shacklebolt had a muggleborn vassalage,” Orion recalled, “though to my understanding, the boy has been blood adopted - he is a part of their family now.”

“Not...Kingsley?” Sirius breathed, thinking of the Ravenclaw head boy. 

“Perhaps, I do not know the boy’s name,” Orion admitted, before turning back to Lily. “It is an old practice, and does not see much use now. But the old Houses still maintain their vassals. For example, House Malfoy has Crabbe and and Goyle. The House of Blacks have the Rosiers, Notts, and the Moon clans. The House of Bones has the allegiance of Smith, Bagnold, and McLaggen.”

“What about House Potter?” James asked. 

“House Potter was allied with Weasley and Prewett, until House Potter’s numbers fell. They could not support their vassals, and the old vassalage was formally revoked, though that says nothing for friendship,” Orion said. 

“Oh,” James said quietly. “So, I could take Remus as well.”

“You could,” Orion said. 

“Nooo,” Sirius moped. “You already get Regulus, I want Remus.”

“Does it matter about what Remus wants?” Remus asked. 

“NO.”

“Oh, well then,” Remus sulked and subsided. 

“House Black is better placed to accept you, Remus,” Peter observed shrewdly. “They have more sway and political power than House Potter. If you're going to consider this, then you should go with House Black.”

“It would be a statement for House Black as well, should Lupin's condition become known,” Snape observed. “Though what that statement would be wiuld have to be crafted by the Head of House.”

“I…” Remus looked around at his friends. “I would be honored, Lord Black. But I must consult with my parents first.”

“We will wait till you are of age,” Orion said, “to avoid complications within your family.”

Remus nodded politely, but his face had the look of someone whose brain was working overtime. When everyone else was cooing over the little brooch James had gotten Regulus, Remus escaped to corner Orion. “Sir.”

Orion, who had been sneaking a chocolate biscuit, jumped. “Egads.”

“You know what I am,” Remus said, without breaking his stride. “And yet you would accept me as a vassal. Why?”

“I would not accept you as a vassal,” Orion said, “but Sirius would. When Sirius agreed to take his place as the Heir, I knew that the position of House Black would change towards many things. But it is important that the family endures. I am willing to make some concessions to keep towards the greater goal.”

“But still, you would accept a werewolf in your ranks?”

Orion hummed. “You’re cynical. I like that.” He gobbled the rest of his biscuit and dusted his hands before fixing Remus with a piercing glare. “Sirius will have a hard time. He will make enemies. I want you to be his protector. There is not much that would escape the senses of a werewolf, and I am not a fool to throw away such a unique tactical advantage.”

“Ah,” Remus said, nodding. “You are playing the game.”

“Indeed,” Orion said. “The question is, are you willing to play, Mr. Lupin?”

Remus smiled. “On my own terms, Lord Black,” he said, with a small bow. “I am no one’s pawn.”

Orion noted the change in his address, and nodded to himself. The boy had made his decision, and all the better for him. Orion looked over at the gaggle of teens - almost adults - and focused on his own sons.

Change was inevitable, and it had finally come for House Black. Orion only hoped that his children would use the tools he gave them to weather the storm to come.

*****
*****

Chapter Text

The day of the fete saw the gang descend upon Grimmauld Place once more, this time in their best robes. James was having a gala time trying to pin his little brooch onto Regulus’ robes, using it as an excuse to stand very close to his tiny boyfriend. 

Lily found herself being subjected to the beauty advice of generations of Black family portraits. “You should have your hair up,” a stern lady shouted, waving her hand-fan menacingly. “Only harlots wear their hair down!”

“You are a vile creature and I hope you died terribly,” Lily opined, before flouncing over to Severus, who was dressed a bit like a vampire in all black. He looked rather spiffing though, with his hair done properly and his robes fitting his surprisingly buff shoulders.

When Sirius expressed traitorous admiration, Snape huffed. “It is from carrying cauldrons and stirring. I know for a fact that the sixth year girls in Slytherin have a pinup of me working on a batch of amortentia.”

“What a fool I am, that I did not recognize your yummy musculature,” Sirius said happily. “Can I touch?”

“No.”

“Aw.”

Remus had shown up wearing a brown knitwear cardigan over his robes, and was immediately stripped by Kreacher, and forced into one of Sirius’ old robes. “My cardigan,” Remus pouted, as Kreacher disapparted away with it. He was now wearing royal navy robes with a gold trim, and was looking rather delightful. However, there was nothing cozy, or wooly, or knitted about it, and this put Remus ill at ease. 

The boys were trying to decide how to dress Lily, when Orion came to the rescue. He held out a glittery, off the shoulder, green gown. “It was my sister’s,” he said by way of explanation. “She was around the same size as you, and I can’t be bothered going further into her room. It reeks of flowers, and I can’t abide by it.”

Lily thanked Orion and went away to shimmy into her gown. When she reemerged, the boys were very complimentary towards her. “You look very nice, Lily,” Remus said genuinely. 

“You look lovely, Lily,” Snape said gently. “Wait, let me get a picture, I promised your mum. And we can make Petunia jealous.” Lily beamed as Snape clicked a picture for posterity’s sake, and also with the intent to rupture Petunia’s gall bladder from the sheer spite it would generate. 

“Welp, it’s time, let’s go down. Jamesy, you take Reg down first, this whole pretentious mess is in your honour anyway,” Sirius said, pushing Regulus towards James, who happily slung an arm around his smaller partner. Regulus nestled into James’ warmer side, smiling like a lizard basking in the sun. “The party’s right downstairs, in the ballroom. Don’t punch any bigots, and try not to poison any of my uglier relatives, please, I’ll do it later. And if you see Bellatrix, for the love of Morgana, avoid the damn bag of cats. Alright?”

“Yes, fine, let’s go,” James said, already whisking Regulus to the doorway. 

“Alright, men, let’s go! C’mon Squish, hold my hand.”

“I beg your pardon,” Snape said, looking very much as though he would like to dissect the offered hand. 

Sirius shook his hand happily. “Hold it.”

“I refuse,” Snape snorted, and pushed Sirius out the door with little ceremony. He instead took Lily’s hand, eager to keep his friend close and ensure that he could hex anyone who tried to mess with her. 

Remus looped his arm around Peter, who smiled gratefully up at him. “You're a real pal, Remus. Not like those two twits.”

“James is in love,” Remus said wisely. “That does things to a chap's brain.”

“And Sirius?”

“He's inbred.”

“Gross,” Peter grinned. “Let's see how many people he's related to at the party. I bet fifty percent.”

“I bet sixty,” Remus countered. 

“I’ll take that bet,” Peter said. “And stay close to me, Remus, these inbred loons will take one look at you and think you’re ‘exotic’, or some nonsense like that.”

“You stay close to me too,” Remus countered. “You’re from Yorkshire, they’ll probably think you’re an exotic specimen too.”

With a laugh, the boys made their way to the ball.

***

Orion watched happily as James and Regulus bopped around the ballroom, clearly happy with each other. By god, but he was a genius for facilitating this match. “Dad, you’re looking smug,” Sirius noted from beside him. 

“It is because I am,” Orion replied. “See how your little brother glows with happiness! Ah! Pat me on my back, for it is due to my forethought that this night could have taken place.” Sirius sighed and patted his dad on the back, but even he had to admit that James and Regulus made an unlikely but sweet couple. “May I go now?”

“No,” Orion said, snagging his eldest’s arm again. “We are going to do a circuit of the ballroom and greet the guests.”

Grumbling, Sirius allowed his father to drag him around. “Ah Heir Black,” a mellifluous, deep voice sounded. Sirius turned around to see his very own grandfather, twiddling a glass of bubbly betwixt his fingers. Arcturus Black looked highly amused at Sirius’ position, finally forced to take on his rightful mantle. 

“‘Lo, Grandpa,” Sirius grouched. Arcturus Black smiled cruelly, and nodded at Orion as well. “Son, grandson. Excellent job organizing the fete, as well as the match,” he said, gesturing towards Reg and James, who were trying to hold hands without anyone else noticing. 

“The fete was all Sirius’ doing,” Orion said, “and to some extent, the match as well.”

Regulus noticed his grandfather and bounced over for a hug. “Grandfather! How lovely to see you! May I introduce my affianced, James Potter,” he said formally, though the air of snootiness was dimmed by Regulus’ visible happiness. 

Arcturus scooped Regulus into a hug, and eyed James critically. “Good evening, Heir Potter.”

James bowed, having just remembered his manners. “Good evening, Paterfamilias Black. It is an honour to make a match with your grandson - er, that is to say, the better grandson.”

“Traitor,” Sirius hissed, as Regulus giggled. James beamed unrepentantly, and snagged Regulus again. The duo beamed happily at all and sundry, and Sirius felt the feeling of betrayal soothe. As long as his brothers were happy, he would be as well. However, a new feeling swept over Sirius’ heart as his grandfather steered him to the dance floor - a feeling of woe. Now Sirius would not only have to dance with his evil hot dad, but also his evil hot grandpa, how was his life this horrible, he had sinned in a past life, surely. 

“Aw grandpa,” Sirius whinged, as his grandfather waltzed with him, drawing the appreciative eyes of the ladies and some gents present. Why was everyone in his family so hot, Sirius thought sadly. 

“I shall release you in a minute,” Arcturus laughed. “I wished to remove you from your father’s hold for a while,” he said, looking pointedly over at Orion, who was engaged in speaking to yet another hot man. 

“Who is that?” Sirius asked, “I don’t recognize him.”

“That,” Arcturus said, “is the newly admitted Lord Gaunt, or so he says,” he frowned. “His credentials have been verified, and Orion admits that he is the true Lord Gaunt, but it is odd that he should resurface now. I have a feeling that he is not exactly who he claims to be…”

A leaden feeling dropped into Sirius’ gut. “Grandpa, you don’t think that  he is-”

“I do not know, but I do not wish to take the risk,” Arcturus replied, his hold on Sirius tightening slightly. “I cannot risk having you be so close to the man, regardless of whether my suspicions are correct or not.”

“But father-!”

“Orion can handle himself,” Arcturus muttered placatingly. “See, he has drawn the man into a dance, he cannot attack in the public eye.”

Indeed, Orion had drawn the mysterious Lord Gaunt onto the dance floor, and was managing a conversation while maintaining a flawless waltz. “I had not expected to see you here, Lord Gaunt,” Orion said, looking into the eyes of his once-classmate. 

Lord Gaunt, also known as Lord Voldemort, smiled evilly. “Bellatrix simply insisted that I come, and how could I refuse her?”

“Like this - ‘no’,” Orion said.

Lord Gaunt laughed shortly. “But the event intrigued me, Orion. Your son being engaged to a known Light family? It has sent shockwaves throughout society.” He looked over at Regulus and James, where Regulus was helping James re-tie his already impeccable cravat as an excuse to fiddle with him. James was looking down at his boyfriend, his eyes filled with amusement and tenderness. “Though they do seem happy together.”

Orion looked over and frowned. “Youngsters. Always in the throes of hormones.”

“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud,” Gaunt laughed, and put his lips to Orion’s ear. “We had our fun back in the day.” Gaunt noted with evil amusement the way Orion’s ears pinked up. Ah, he still had game, how lovely. 

“You know the circumstances under which Regulus and the Potter Heir were thrown together,” Orion said, eager to bring the conversation back on track. “It is hardly a secret. I am only glad that they have managed to make it work.” 

Gaunt hummed. “True enough. I had still hoped to see at least one Black in my court, though.”

Orion bristled, but maintained his outward calm. “You have Bellatrix, from what I have heard.”

Gaunt looked over at Bellatrix, who was looking bored on her husband’s arm, her eyes roving through the crowd. He knew exactly what she was looking for. “I suppose I do,” Gaunt admitted. “I am curious as to why you keep your youngest from me, Orion. He is said to be an excellent student, a talented rune maker-”

“He wants to study magical creatures,” Orion said quickly. “The house elf has great influence on him, he dotes on Regulus.”

Gaunt snorted. “That is not what I expected.”

“Trust me, I didn’t either.”

They danced for a while longer before Orion started looking around for someone to rescue him from Gaunt’s handsome clutches. Luckily for him, someone butted in, charmingly whisking Orion away. “Thank you- argh,” Orion started, only to recognize the fantastical hip-swinging half-Brazilian lycanthrope, Remus Lupin.

“You looked uncomfortable,” Remus explained, “and I smelled your discomfort.” Orion avoided Remus’ hips that threatened to brush against his own. Damn the samba enthusiast. “Thought I should get you away from that man.”

“Thank you,” Orion grunted. 

“Consider it an audition for my future vassalage,” Remus smirked. Orion looked at him appreciatively. He could definitely use someone with Remus’ set of skills, samba aside. 

After the dance was over, Orion quickly divested himself of Remus and went to whinge to his wife about Tom Riddle, dark lords, and overly raunchy werewolves. Instead, he was snagged by his brother Cygnus, who led him back to the dance floor. “Why is it,” Orion asked, “that I have yet to dance with a single woman?”

Cygnus laughed. “You’ve always been too pretty for your own good, Orion. Luckily, you’re also clever. Tell me,” he asked conspiratorially, “how did you manage to finagle a match with the Potters? They are new money, to be sure, but they have a lot of it. Good show, I say.”

This was why Orion was the Head of House and Cygnus was an accountant. Where Orion revelled in power plays and the study of people, Cygnus was happier than a manticore in mud when presented with a credit-debit chart. 

“You think that they are a good match?” Orion asked. 

Cygnus looked over to where James and Regulus were dancing, both watching their feet carefully, but managing to sneak little glances at each other before smiling shyly and blushing. “I think so,” Cygnus confirmed. “They are well suited. Regulus was going to be a difficult one, you know, he’s far too sweet natured. Like you.”

“Egads,” Orion muttered. “How dare you.”

“Could be worse. The boy could have taken after Walburga.”

“Oh no.”

“We must arrange another fete soon,” Cygnus went on, “the Malfoy brat has decided to propose to Narcissa. It is official now.”

“Where is Narcissa?” Orion asked.

“Over there, cooing at the Prince boy.”

Orion looked over to where Narcissa was dancing with Snape, the latter of whom carried himself rather well. Orion looked around and saw Lily giggling whilst dancing with the werewolf, avoiding his swinging hips with more grace than Orion had managed. They connected once or twice, but it seemed that the girl was not too put out by such things.

Huh.

If his future vassal wolf-boy was going to become betrothed to a muggleborn, then Orion would have to keep an eye on the situation. But right now, he had his own domestic situation to see to. 

“Narcissa looks happy,” Orion remarked, “even if she is engaged to the Malfoy blight. Honestly, Cygnus. What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that my daughter made a ‘respectable’ match, huzzah, I don’t have to worry about finding her a match,” Cygnus grumbled. “And the Malfoy boy has taken all the steps to ensure that their marriage will be a healthy and happy one.”

Orion glanced at Bellatrix, who was now gazing adoringly at Gaunt as he spoke. It was repulsive. “And what of the other girls?”

Cygnus’ steps stiffened. “I have only seen Andromeda once, during her rounds at St. Mungos. She looked well.”

“Why were you in the hospital?” Orion asked, alarmed. 

“If you must know,” Cygnus sniffed, “I had gone to get my sciatica looked at. Andromeda was the one who helped me in. She was very professional.”

“Cygnus,” Orion said quietly. “You can always come to me, you know. Anytime of the day.” It must have been difficult to see Andromeda again and not acknowledge her. 

“She has a child, you know,” Cygnus said, as though speaking to himself. “I saw her. She is a metamorphmagus! She walked right past me, Orion, and she did not know me.” He sighed wistfully. “At least you will never have that problem. Sometimes, I look at Regulus, and wonder if I had done something different with Andromeda, then-”

“Cygnus,” Orion said, gently bringing his brother back to earth. 

Cygnus recovered, and shook himself free of the fog of his own memories. “Well. I just wondered that if you could get Regulus betrothed to a Potter, and Sirius to take charge of the Lordship, that I might not try to mend bridges with my daughter again,” he said, looking calculatingly at Orion.

For his part, Orion sighed. “I nearly lost my sons, Cygnus - both of them. I can’t bring myself to not act for their benefit, even in the face of tradition. At the end of the day, they are the ones who will lead House Black into the next age. ”

“You would break from the Black family traditions?”

“Sirius would, and he will, once he takes the Lordship,” Orion said. “And that day is fast approaching. We have to make sure our House survives, above all else, and that power rests with our children now.”

Cygnus seemed to ruminate over his brother’s words. He looked at Gaunt and Bella, and the more traditional Malfoys, Travers’, and Notts. “It will be a radical change. They will have enemies. They will have to choose sides.”

“They already have,” Orion said. Regulus and Potter. Sirius taking his Heir ring. The wolf swearing in as his vassal. “The magic cannot be wrong. It has shown me the path for my family.”

“And if they are not able to fight to maintain our House?” 

Orion met his brother’s slightly wet eyes with his own hard, steely gaze. “That will not happen Cygnus.” He laughed roughly. “We will fight with them.”

“For the House,” Cygnus whispered. 

Orion nodded. “For the House.”

***

Further away, Lord Gaunt - Lord Voldemort - surveyed the celebration with cold, calculating eyes. Bellatrix was beside him, and he could practically feel the waves of desire cascading from her. He was glad and horrified at once - gratified that he could inspire such loyalty and fervour, but also ew, please keep it in your pants.

Voldemort looked at the duo of Potter and Regulus Black, and he felt some of his stomach acid escape it’s sac. They were unbelievably sweet to each other, and it was giving him ulcers. Would he have liked Regulus Black in his budding army? Certainly, he had heard good things about the boy’s abilities in warding and runes. But seeing as how the boy was betrothed to a Light family, and quickly en route to a happy marriage, that nixed his plans.

Also the tremendously ugly house elf in the corner was glaring at him. 

Voldemort’s eyes swept across the room to the Black Heir, Sirius, who was smiling toothily at a boy with a prominent nose, who was definitely not being charmed. Having the Heir of the most prominent family in Britain join his forces...yes, that was a tantalizing thought indeed. 

As Voldemort watched, Sirius was soundly rejected by the boy Voldemort had dubbed “The Nose” and was now settling for dancing with a redheaded girl. “Who is the girl?” Voldemort wondered aloud. 

“She is a ward of House Black,” a mild voice sounded from behind him. Voldemort spun around and inspected the curtain, which had been speaking not a second ago. 

“Excuse me?”

“She is an honorary ward of House Black, so awarded due to her role in saving Regulus’ life,” the voice explained, and this time, Voldemort looked slightly to the left and saw a boy camouflaged against the wallpaper. He inspected the bland boy and recognized him as the salacious dancer who had stolen Orion from him. 

“And who might you be?”

“I am a vassal of House Black,” the boy replied, careful not to give his name. “So awarded due to my role in saving Regulus.”

“And what, precisely, did you do?”

“Chest compressions, mainly,” Remus said. “Sev and Lils took turns giving him mouth to mouth.”

Ew, Voldemort thought. “Purebloods are kind of hopeless that way,” Remus said pointedly. “They don’t know CPR. CPR stands for-”

“Cardiopulmonary resuscitation, thank you, I am not a fool,” Voldemort bit out, and Remus smiled sedately. 

“Fancy you knowing that, Lord Gaunt.”

Voldemort surveyed the boy in front of him. Clearly, he was not a pureblood, and neither was the girl. The last time House Black had accepted alliances with a muggleborn was in the 1200’s, and that was only due to finding themselves on the same side of a war. For Orion to accept not one non-pureblood, but two…

“I never got your name,” Voldemort said, his eyes boring holes into the plain boy’s head. 

“Lupin,” Remus said, giving his pureblood last name. 

Bellatrix sneered at him. “He is Welsh, my L- Lord Gaunt.”

“I have never seen a Welshman dance thusly,” Voldemort noted suspiciously. 

“I am half Brazilian,” Remus beamed. “I do the samba. Would you like to dance with me?”

“NO,” Voldemort said, at the same time that Rabastan Lestrange squeaked an enthusiastic “YES”. Before Rodolphus could smack his tiny, idiot brother, Remus had snagged the little Slytherin and was swinging his hips vigorously on the dance floor. “Egads, Rodolphus,” Voldemort muttered, “but your brother is very fae.”

“He is,” Rodolphus agreed. “I will tell him to keep his hormones under control.”

Voldemort sniffed judgmentally, and went back to surveying the members of House Black. There was definitely change afoot, and surprisingly, they seemed to be coping, even thriving. But whether they could withstand the Dark Lord was another question entirely.

***

“Smashing job, son,” Orion congratulated Sirius. “The fete was a success.”

Sirius, who was puddled all over the sofa and partially over Peter, held his thumb up in acknowledgement. It had been exhausting, making sure everything was running smoothly, keeping Lily safe from his awful relations, avoiding Bella and his mum, and also trying to get Snape to dance with him. 

By god, but Sirius had been very taken by Snape’s muscular shoulders. They were definitely going to be something to look forward to in potions class - with Snape stirring his rod in the thick, bubbling concoctions…

“Thank you for a lovely evening, Mr. Black,” Lily said, interrupting Sirius’ train of sinful thought. 

“It was a most...illuminating evening,” Snape said thoughtfully. “A glimpse into the workings of the upper crust.” Ah, but how Snape’s baritone washed over Sirius’ broken soul like a waterfall of hot, steamy, chocolate! 

“Don’t mention it,” Orion replied. “You handled yourselves gracefully.” He turned to Remus. “I take it that you have made your decision tonight on my offer?”

“I accept your kind offer of vassalage,” Remus said, inclining his head. 

“Good. Excellent snooping tonight, exactly what a good vassal ought to do,” Orion said. “Did Gaunt have anything else to say?”

“He attempted to get more information about your plans for the House’s future,” Remus said. “I think that he realized that Lily, Sev, and I were not purebloods. I distracted him by asking him to dance and got him to drop the topic.”

“Excellent diversion,” Orion praised. He then turned to all of the children. “The man you saw tonight under the guise of Lord Gaunt was, in fact, the up and coming dark lord.” Orion’s announcement was greeted with angry shouts and gasps. 

“What!” James shouted. “You knew who he was, and you let him around Lily and Remus?”

“Dad! You let that man in when you knew that he was going to be recruiting!” Sirius yelled. “How could you!”

“Why did you think that I made it a point to place your little friends under my patronage, you little fool?” Orion said blandly to his son. “I have effectively removed my children from his line of fire - with Regulus making a respectable match to a Light family, and presenting you as the next revolutionary Lord of House Black.”

“He could still approach Sirius, though,” Peter noted astutely. “Having Lord Black on his side would make him near untouchable.”

“Do you think that Sirius will bow to that man?” Orion countered. “The Blacks bow to none.”

“Someone ought to have told Bellatrix that,” Sirius sniffed. “The way she was hanging off that man was shameful. And in view of the entire gala, in sight of her own husband!”

Orion hummed. “Would you stand for that, as Lord Black?”

“Of course not!” Sirius thundered. “The very insinuation is shameful and degrading! She is shaming not only herself, but her paternal House as well!”

“I never expected you to be so traditional, Sirius,” Lily said, taken aback at her friend’s vehemence. “What would you say if your cousin was genuinely unhappy in her marriage and wanted out?”

“The Black cellars are stocked with several untraceable poisons,” Orion said mildly. “Just a splash in the other half’s tea, and she would be free once more. Although,” he said smiling at Severus, whose eyes were gleaming, “I am sure that you have some ideas as well.”

“Several,” Severus rasped euphorically.

“Perhaps one day, you might see our cellars then,” Orion said tantalizingly. 

Severus’ breath caught in his chest. “Sir, I shall hold you to that,” he said breathily. 

“I could show you,” Sirius offered, quick as a flash. “A nice tour of the Black cellars, with our rarest herbs and poisons, with recipes thought lost to time…” Sirius rejoiced as he saw that he was winning Snape over, the other boy’s face twisting with warring expressions. On the one hand, Severus would gain the knowledge of potions lost to time. One the other hand...Sirius. 

“I...I accept,” Snape whispered, and Sirius’ heart (and noodle) jumped for joy. 

Just then, a crack of lightning lit up the sky, followed by the roar of thunder. Even though Regulus did not startle at all, James quickly grabbed him by the waist and pulled him into a hug. “There, there,” he purred, making Regulus giggle madly. 

On the other hand, Lily had jumped like a startled cat, and landed straight into Remus' arms. She blushed as he patted her on the shoulder warmly, his hand lingering for just a second, and gave her a kind smile. Ah! How sensibly he behaved, and such a restrained gentleman, Lily thought to herself.

Sirius looked urgently over at Severus, who stared back at him balefully. “In your dreams, Black.”

“Oh yes,” Sirius whispered. “Always and forever.”

“Argh,” Snape grumbled, and ran off. Orion looked at his son and shook his head in wonderment.

“I thought that you didn’t like the boy,” he said.

“That was before I saw his broad shoulders and his artistic forearms,” Sirius sighed. “Ah! They could be carved from marble!”

“Don’t be so obvious, son,” Orion lectured, “you must not make your desire so evident. Guard your thoughts and behave in a refined manner - that will pique their interest.”

A burst of thunder sounded again, but this time, Regulus and James were already sitting with their arms around one another, safe and snuggly. Regulus then proceeded to break the restriction on underage magic and conjured a blanket for them to snuggle under. He was always up for breaking the law for a good cause.

“Hands above the blanket please,” Orion said, making both boys blush terribly.

“Daddy!” Regulus cried. “We would never! James is a gentleman!”

“James is sixteen,” Orion countered, and glared at his son’s boyfriend/fiance, who raised his hands in surrender. 

Under the lull of the storm and hot chocolate, the kids began to feel cozy and sleepy. “I’d best get going, Lord Black,” Lily said, not wanting to stay longer and increase her chances of a Walburga-induced death. “Thank you for having me over, it was a lovely evening.”

Orion nodded, pleased with the girl’s manners. “Do you need me to drop you to a portkey point?”

“Oh no, sir, Sev and I are going to floo to his house. His mum’s opened the fireplace just for tonight, his dad doesn’t really like people popping in and out of the grate.”

“Very well then,” Orion said, and bid Kreacher to set up the floo. Snape and Lily stepped in together, and Snape took her hand before clearly stating “Spinner’s End!” The flames took over, and they were gone, but the connection remained just until Orion heard a man’s thick Midland’s accent shout in horror.

“Eileen the devil’s come through the fire!”

“Tobias, that’s just Severus.”

“Damnation, woman-!”

Orion closed the connection and looked over at the tiny, giggly couple of Potter and Regulus, their noses too close together to be decent. “Touch him and perish,” Orion informed Potter, who immediately retracted his head into his robes like a turtle. 

Remus was waiting to use the floo next with Peter, who would be staying with him to help with his transformation in the coming week. “It’s because Peter is so soothing,” Remus praised his friend, not divulging the bit about the animagus transformation. “He’s such a caring fellow.”

Peter blushed horribly and whisked Remus away before he could praise him any more. This left Orion with his two sons and...Potter.

James and Regulus had fallen asleep to the sound of the storm, snuggled against each other. Curiously, Kreacher had pulled the blankets up around them, and fluffed up the pillows behind their heads. By all accounts, it was adorable. 

Orion looked at Sirius, who like him, was staring at the pair. “Is it worth it?” Orion asked quietly. 

Sirius never took his eyes off the pair. “For this? Definitely.”

“This is not the end of the road,” Orion warned. “There will be things far more difficult than a fete.”

“I’m counting on it,” Sirius said, tilting his chin up, the very image of bravery. He met his father’s eyes with a flinty, hard gaze. “But if it keeps them safe, and happy like this, it will be worth it. Look at them,” Sirius said, looking tenderly upon the snoozing duo, “they’re perfect.”

“Repulsive,” Orion said, and levitated Regulus. “I’m going to put Regulus to bed, where he will sleep alone.”

“I’ll take James, shall I?” Sirius asked, amusement tinging his voice. 

“Do,” Orion bid him, carefully levitating his sleeping cheeseball of a son upstairs. Perhaps he could tuck Regulus in with himself and Walburga, keep him close tonight, he mused. It wasn’t as though Regulus took up much space, and it would keep Walburga’s cold feet off of him. His mind made up, Orion happily went to his room and looked forward to a nice, warm, snooze.

***

James woke up feeling warm and content. He did not open his eyes straight away, and this was to be his eventual downfall. 

With the lazy, tingly warmth that only came after a restful sleep, James remembered that he was sleeping next to his boyfriend, and in a fit of naughtiness, stretched out to grab his tinier partner and hold him close. Hoo hoo, what a lech he was being. 

Only no, the universe had decided to punish him, this wasn’t Regulus at all, but rather his rather larger and meaner older brother. This now left James cuddling Sirius, and the last time they had done this was when they were two homesick eleven year olds - (James was homesick, Sirius just missed his brother). 

“James, is that your morning wood pressed into my arse,” Sirius said in lieu of greeting him.

“It’s not, old chap, it’s my actual hand,” James replied.

“That’s a relief,” Sirius said, and flipped over. 

“Morning, chum. Any chance I can cuddle with your brother this fine morning?”

“Not a one, dad is a bit of a seer and foresaw your horniness, he’s put Reg up beside him and mum.”

James pouted. “Is he really a seer?”

“Oh yes, seer blood runs in the family. I have the ability as well, you know.”

“You do?”

“Sure, but I can only see little bits of things, you know. For some reason, I see a lot of flashes of Moony’s home life.”

“Cool, what’s that like?”

“Depressingly normal and loving. They don’t speak English at home at all - it’s all Welsh and Portuguese. Also, they sit around and have afternoon tea as a family, and they have a super cozy aesthetic - it makes me jealous to no end that I live in a drafty, haunted, ugly manor.”

“You are the least useful seer in the world,” James opined. “Ah well, best be up, we have the rest of the day ahead of us.”

Sirius sat up and then peeked underneath his blankets. “You’d better go first, old thing, I have some morning wood. Rather not traumatize you.”

“Yuck,” James said daintily, and went to get washed up. After Sirius had cleaned up as well, the boys went down to breakfast, where Orion and Regulus were already waiting for them. Orion smiled cruelly at James, knowing full well that he had stolen Regulus from him the previous night. 

“Good morning, Lord Black, Reg,” James greeted them. “Lord Black, I am terribly sorry to impinge upon your hospitality this morning, I did not mean to fall asleep yesterday.”

“It’s fine,” Orion said. “I actually told your father to leave you here, I thought it best that the pair of you work on your Heir studies together.”

“Really?” Sirius asked, chuffed. “You know dad, it’s times like this that I think that you’re not quite so evil after all.”

“I am not at all evil,” Orion sniffed. 

“This is true,” Regulus piped up. “Good and evil are subjective to the person perpetrating the act as well as the recipient of said act.” Sirius and James gaped at this nugget of wisdom from their resident raspberry, while Orion smiled indulgently at his youngest. 

“So what subject are we covering today?” Sirius asked warily. 

“Today and for the entirety of the month, we will be covering the legislative process of the Wizengamot with regards to the passage of laws pertaining to economic stability.”

“What about next month?” James asked hopefully.

“Next month, we will be covering the legislative process of the Wizengamot with regards to the passage of laws pertaining to creature and being legislation and their role in the sociopolitical realm-”

Sirius whimpered. What had he signed up for?

****
****

Chapter Text

All too soon, it was time to return to Hogwarts. Orion drew his children aside to speak to them, man-to-man for Sirius, and man-to-squishy blueberry for Regulus. 

“Sirius, it is now common knowledge that you are the official Heir to the House of Black. Expect that there will be some change in people’s demeanour towards you.”

“I know,” Sirius sighed. “I ran into Nott yesterday, and he tried to kiss my hand.”

Orion’s lip quirked up. “Yes, but there will also be those who will see you as embracing traditionalism, and reject you. I am speaking of your Gryffindor cohort.”

“Bah,” Sirius grumbled, “I don’t care for them. I only need my bosom buddies and my little brother to be square with me. I can take on the rest of the world anytime.”

Orion started at Sirius contemplatively before reaching into his pocket. “I was unsure as to whether I ought to give you this,” here said, holding out a garish emerald ring. “It is the family's signet ring, too replace your heir ring. I thought to give it to you when you came of age, but seeing as you have officially accepted your place, you ought to wear it now.” Orion took Sirius' hand and slid the ring onto Sirius' finger, where it glowed and moulded itself to the shape of his finger. 

Regulus beamed at it and ran a finger over the large emerald with the Black Crest. “Ooh, pretty.”

The ring glowed in response, vibrating happily. “The family magic is happy,” Orion said with a wry smile. “It recognizes the both of you.”

“It's sentient?” Sirius asked, alarmed. He peered at the ring. “Hello in there,” he greeted it. The ring vibrated excitedly, as though replying happily. 

“For hundreds of years, since the age of Charlemagne, the Head of the Black Family has contributed their blood to the ring. Out holds the imprint of their memories and power,” Orion said. “It will take from you as well, and you too will become immortalized in this way. It will respond to you, protect you. This is our way.”

“I don't need protecting though,” Sirius said, and rubbed the ring. “Can you protect Reg instead? He's mushy, like a plum.”

“Hey!” Regulus cried. 

The ring glowed happily on Sirius' hand. “Give me your hand,” Orion said to Sirius, taking his son's hand. With a deft motion, he withdrew a pin and pricked the pad of Sirius thumb, drawing blood. 

“Owie,” Sirius frowned. “Dad, what gives?”

“Smear the blood upon the ring,” Orion directed. When Sirius looked dubiously at him, Orion nodded encouragingly. “The ring will recognize your blood as Heir and bind you to the family. You will have reign over the protection and power of the family.”

“What, just me? That doesn't seem fair,” Sirius said. “What about Reg?”

“You can will the protection towards him,” Orion said, “as I did for you both. It is partly why Regulus survived his drowning - the family magic was keeping him alive till help came.”

Sirius looked at his lemon drop of a brother and quickly made up his mind. If it would Reg safe, then it was worth it. He pressed his bleeding digit to the ring and watched it absorb into the gemstone. 

“It is done,” Orion said happily. “The ring has accepted you, Heir Black.”

“Father Black,” Sirius said, bowing theatrically. “Baby Black,” he said, bowing to Regulus, who pouted, enhancing his resemblance to an angry penguin. 

“Good,” Orion nodded, satisfied, before turning to Regulus. “Regulus, this is your OWL year. Make sure that you study hard, and do not get drawn into any...extracurricular events.”

“No dark lord parties, got it,” Regulus said cheerfully.

“Erm...yes,” Orion said, relieved that his son had understood so quickly. “Do be careful to not associate yourself with anyone on either extreme, understood? You are to focus on your studies. Sirius will also be keeping an eye on Potter, should he try to be nasty.”

“James isn’t nasty, daddy,” Regulus giggled. “He’s a gentleman.”

Orion snorted his disbelief, but in a regal, refined kind of way. They flooed into the station and Orion walked the boys to the train. “Be safe, be...as good as you need to, given the circumstances,” he advised. “Write to mummy and I, and also Kreacher I guess,” Orion muttered, as Regulus perked up. Somewhere around his knee, Kreacher waved happily, having accompanied his master. He was dressed in his best pillowcase and was wearing his smartest chapeau to cover his ugly head, not that it did much for him.

Orion sighed and picked Kreacher up to hold him to the train window so that Regulus could bid his bug-ugly bestie goodbye. “Bye Kreacher, I’ll miss you!” Regulus cried, hugging the elf. “I’ll try and steal some recipes from the Hogwarts kitchen elves again!”

“Ah! How well Kreacher’s little master knows him,” Kreacher said, wiping a fat tear from his hideous eye. “Farewell, master Regulus! Be safe, and write to Kreacher to reassure his poor old heart.” Kreacher peered at Sirius, who peered back at him distrustfully. “Kreacher bids that Master Sirius looks after Kreacher’s bonny little elfling.”

“Oh my god, he’s not your elfling you awful monstrosity,” Sirius said, as Regulus squeaked and pinched him. 

“Don’t be mean to Kreacher!”

“Kreacher may not have spawned Master Regulus, but he loves him like any of his other children!” Kreacher screeched. 

Sirius felt nauseated. “You have other kids? You’ve procreated?”

“Of course Kreacher has children! Kreacher’s children are employed at the proud House of Bones and the House of Malfoy!”

“Oh my god, that’s going to give me nightmares,” Sirius muttered. “There’s a Kreacher lineage out there, being ugly all around Britain.”

Before more verbal jousting could occur, the train started to pull away from the platform, and Orion dropped Kreacher unceremoniously to the ground to watch the train pull his children away from him once more. 

***

“Awful elf, you have wept upon and snotted up my trousers!” Orion cried, upon returning home with a sniffling Kreacher. “Go and iron your toes!”

“At once, Master!” Kreacher rejoiced, scuttling away. Orion looked as the elf disappeared and heard his joyous howls of pain. Egads, but there was something wrong with that elf.

***

Regulus was like a James homing beacon, Sirius thought, as his brother led him straight to James, who looked happier to see his tiny boyfriend than Sirius himself. “Oh, I see how it is,” Sirius grumped, as James shyly presented a pleased Regulus with some flowers to pin to his robes. 

Sirius needn’t have despaired, for at that moment, Lily and his gentleman lover-to-be, the gorgeously ripped Severus, walked into their cabin. Lily delicately perched herself between Severus and Remus, and smiled shyly over at Remus, who reciprocated the gesture. Sirius, of course, beamed at Severus, who frowned back at him. 

“Squish, my delectable darling, what brings you to my humble abode?” Sirius purred, stretching gracefully across the seats (and partially over Peter). 

“I’ve come to take Regulus to the Slytherin carriages,” Snape replied sourly. “Come, Little Black, let us depart.”

“Moop,” Regulus pouted, and detached from James, who looked similarly distraught. Nevertheless, he followed Severus out, and Sirius took the opportunity to ogle the outline of Severus’ bum that was barely visible through his robes. 

“Sirius you berk. Stop ogling Sev,” Lily seethed. 

“Only if you stop touching Remus' knee,” Sirius shot back. 

Lily's face burned at being caught out, while Remus continued to be placid and as immovable as a mountain. James spotted their reactions with quick eyes, and smiled impishly. “Barf,” he opined maturely. 

“Now, now, James,” Remus said gently, “just because I have a girlfriend doesn't mean that I love any of you any less.”

“Promise?” James pouted.

“Promise,” Remus grinned. 

“You guys have the strangest dynamic I've ever seen,” Lily marveled. “It's super disturbing.”

“Remus' gentle affection has been our constant for the past five years, ” Peter informed her. “Sirius has turns of great moroseness due to his awful mum, James is a scheming pile of socks, and I am just trying to cope with McGonagall’s classes and from the unwanted attention that being a great beauty engenders.”

Lily burst into giggles and lifted the mood while James took off his show to throw his sock at an unrepentant Peter. “How dare you call me a sock! Prepare to scuffle, sir!”

Peter, by sheer brute strength alone, felled James in a minute, and sat atop him proudly, but quickly dismounted because his bum was over James’ bony hip, it hurt, was this was bum-sex felt like, and if so, ouch.

“You’re really strong,” Lily commented to Peter, who bowed deeply.

“Thanks, but Moony is actually the strongest of us, due to being a secret wolf. I am next, due to summers filled with helping my dad deliver newborn Abraxans and cows.”

“I’m strong,” Sirius mumbled obstinately.

Moony reached over and had a feel of Sirius’ bicep. “There is something there, but I suspect that it’s due to your dad’s calisthenics regime over the summer. You're otherwise quite lean. ”

“Oh no, my dad has helped me, this is terrible,” Sirius moped. “Anyway, I- James, where are you off to?”

“To see Reg,” James said. “I wanted to snog for a bit before we got to Hogwarts and antiquated traditions tore us apart.”

“You can snog him tomorrow,” Lily said sternly. “Give the poor boy a break and don’t overstimulate him.”

James slunk back and melted into a chair until they pulled up to Hogwarts, where Lily went off to find her girlfriends. The boys grabbed a carriage and settled in for the Welcoming feast and an evening of food and fun. 

At the head table, Albus stood and beamed toothily at the assembled students. “Welcome, welcome one and all!” He cried happily. “Welcome back to another year of school! At Hogwarts, you will find learning, friendship, and safety within our walls.” Dumbledore’s expression turned solemn. “The threats to our nation grow dire,” he said, his tone somber. “We must, in these next few years, come together as a people - wizards and witches all - to defend the rights of every innocent.”

“Not Bella then,” Sirius said happily. “Jolly good!”

“It is my sincere hope that we can overcome prejudice with kindness and understanding.”

“So not my mum either,” Sirius nodded. 

“At Hogwarts, we will grow as individuals and not only as scholars. It is my firm belief that with effort and understanding, we can overcome the hatred and bigotry of the few that threatens to destabilize us all,” Dumbledore said with great seriousness. 

Over at the Slytherin table, Regulus moped, because some dark lord was going to destabilize his world, this would greatly impact his rosy little courtship and marriage to James, oh woe. To his right, Snape was seething and giving off a palpable aura of fuck-me-not, thinking about how bigots were going to make things difficult for him and Lily to be successful and generally stay alive. 

He was going to have to murder some people, he was sure of it. Better ask Lord Black about those poisons, he thought to himself. 

To Snape’s right, Avery was staring in wonderment as Snape crushed the wooden edge of the table with the sheer strength of his rage. Someone ought to stop him, he would get splinters and then probably get even angrier, which usually meant that he would go on to transfer that anger onto one of his unwitting dorm mates. 

Avery quickly looked around and made up his mind to sacrifice Goyle. No one would miss him, surely. 

Meanwhile, Dumbledore was wrapping up his speech. “...and the first Hogsmeade weekend will be the weekend after next, and is open to all those who are third year and above. OWL and NEWT year students will have tutoring spaces available from Friday onwards, and sixth year students are encouraged to offer their time as OWL tutors.”

Reggie perked up, and saw James brighten up as well. Ah! Fate would bring them together after all! Immediately, Regulus used all of his Slytherin cunning to think of ways to play footsie and hold hands with James during the tutoring sessions. 

“Now off to bed! Pip pip!”

Happy once more, Regulus oozed off to the Slytherin common rooms, mind aflutter with fluffy schemes. 

*** 

Being a dutiful Heir, Sirius popped into the owlery the next morning to write a letter to his awful father about the ongoings in the school - perhaps a week or two late, but who could blame a busy young man?

Dear Papa,

The welcoming feast proceeded well. Reggie sends his regards, I am sure. 

The little gremlin has signed up for OWL tutoring and is no doubt plotting to be repulsive with James whilst they study. I shall make sure that there is no indecency afoot.

The mood amongst the student body is tense - the rumors of the dark lord are mucking up everyone’s mood royally. Just yesterday, Snape slapped Jonaquin Crabbe about being an evil git and for being ungentlemanly about some girls. He is now being courted by several girls who think that he is a hero, but this has left me tremendously fearful of my own chances with him. What am I to do!

Dumbledore is being daft and not kicking out the awful Death Eater cadets, who even now court Reggie into joining them! I am seething! I have hexed six already, and have taken to smuggling Reg under my cloak between classes. 

I look forward to your response.

Please do not send a howler.

Love,

Sirius.

***

Dear Sirius,

There is no need to send me Regulus’ regards, he is a good boy who wrote me on the first day back. Unlike someone. 

I do not want to hear about how you lust for the Snape boy, though I approve of his assault upon cads who are indecent with girls. A man should always hold himself above such things and comport himself with decency. 

Keep making sure that Potter and Regulus do not get overly familiar with one another - some things are best left till marriage. The anticipation of such things will make it’s reaping all the sweeter. 

If Regulus is being courted by Death Eaters, I fear that you, as Heir Black, must take a stand. In this, I trust your judgement. Make our House proud, and keep me updated. 

Lovingly, 

Your Father,

Orion Black. 

***

Sirius frowned at his father’s letter and reached over to pinch Regulus, who was sandwiched between James and Lily. “Owie!” Regulus cried. “What was that for!”

“Daddy’s boy,” Sirius accused him lightly. “What are your plans for Hogsmeade weekend?”

“I’m going to buy some new quills and then go for a butterbeer with Rab and Barty,” Regulus pouted. “Then James has agreed to take me to the Cat Castle so that we can look into getting a cat.”

“Ew cat,” Sirius opined, his inner dog bristling. 

Lily shot Sirius a glare and allowed her tremendously ugly ragdoll cat to swipe some of Sirius’ bacon. Sirius growled at the contemptuous creature, which stared at him unrepentantly. He looked back at Regulus, who was speaking to the lissom and lithe Squishius, who had floated over to grace them with his presence. Sirius stared dreamily at Snape’s vascular forearms, already buff from two relentless weeks of stirring potions. Ah! How it would feel to be encompassed by those arms, to be held tightly to Snape’s pulsing pectorals-!

“Black,” Snape said, looking vaguely aghast, “what are you doing?”

“Eh?”

“Stop thinking of me so perversely, it is nauseating,” Snape sniffed. 

Sirius looked confused. “What? How did- oh! You can do legilimency?”

“I can,” Snape confirmed, “and you are a born foghorn, you transmit your thoughts with the audacity and intensity of a thundercloud. Cease at once!”

Sirius gazed at Snape with deep admiration. What hidden depths his delectable darling had!

“Black!” Snape cried, blushing furiously, following his train of thought. “You absolute slug!” He hurried away, with Sirius staring wistfully at his behind. 

“I honestly don’t know how this,” Lily said, gesturing between Snape and Sirius, “came about. They were at each other’s throats last year.”

“Well, Snape jumping into the lake to save Reg, then giving him mouth-to-mouth, went a long way with Sirius,” Remus explained, making everybody but Lily jump. He’d faded into the bench again. “Then of course, Sirius saw the outline of Severus’ shoulders, which have always been rather nice.”

“Oh have they now?” Lily asked jokingly.

“Oh rather,” Remus replied mildly. “Though, not quite as angular nor elegant as the ones I fancy.” Lily blushed at the compliment and looked at James, who in the past would have passed some kind of flirtatious comment. Now, however, he just nodded sagely and went back to making googly eyes at Regulus, who was being an absolute kidney bean and feeding the Black family owl little bits of corn and sausage. 

“Isn't he just so lovely and caring,” James sighed dreamily at his betrothed. 

“Excuse you,” Sirius said loudly, “but this latest missive from my father has indicated that you are not to be indecent towards my pickle faced brother, and that certain things are best left until marriage to properly savor.”

James stared at his best friend. “Sirius old thing, I feel that out it's my duty to tell you how much you resembled your old man just then.”

“Eww, why would you do that,” Sirius cried unhappily.

“Still, I suppose that if I can...savour...certain things,” James leered, “it’ll be worth the wait.”

“Cad,” Lily sniffed. 

“My brother’s purity!” Sirius shrieked, and started to beat James with a sausage. “You keep your distance from my little cranberry brother, Potter!”

“Write back to your father,” Remus reminded Sirius, like a good vassal. 

“Yes mother,” Sirius grumped, and pulled out a piece of parchment. Before he could put quill to paper, though, Regulus came scuttling back over, dragging Barty and Rab with him, before quickly ducking underneath Sirius’ cloak, while Barty and Rab dived under other nearby people’s cloaks - namely, Lily and James. 

Lily screamed thinly as she felt little Rab Lestrange ball up under her feet. “Sorry!” He squeaked. “I won’t look up, I promise!”

“You’d better not!” Lily scolded. “What is going on!?”

“Dolohov’s bullying!” Barty squealed. “He’s all up in arms about the dark lord, and he made a grab for Reggie, so we legged it!”

Speak of the devil, and Dolohov appeared, looming trollishly over the Gryffindor table. “I’ve lost my little Black,” he growled, before his eyes fell on Sirius, with an unholy gleam. “But perhaps it has led me to greener pastures.”

Sirius’ intestines shriveled up at the predatory gleam in Dolohov’s eyes as they raked over him. “Consorting with blood traitors and mudbloods,” Dolohov hissed, “and to think that the dark lord has high hopes for you, Black. But perhaps, I can persuade you back on the path,” he leered.

Oh no, this would not stand. Sirius stood angrily to his full height and in his rage, barely registered the bubbling pit of Black Madness in his blood surge. “You would dare,” he hissed, little tendrils of black smoke emanating from his skin, a relic of the ancient Black power, “to presume that Sirius Black will bow!” Sirius’ eyes flashed a deep violet, his rage bubbling uncontrollably to the fore. Sirius felt his heart pick up, and his hand bearing the Black family si gnet ring began to glow. 

“Get back!” Peter shouted, his eyes on the ring. “Get away!”

James ducked under and grabbed Regulus and Barty, dragging them both aside, while Lily grabbed the little Lestrange underneath her bench. People gave Sirius a wide berth, even as the professors began to notice and jump to their feet.

“Merlin’s beard!” Minerva cried. “What is happening to Mr. Black?”

“It is the Family Magic,” Albus recognized, “the Black Madness. I saw it once from Orion, when he was in battle.” Albus’ eyes moved quickly, before locking on Sirius’ hand. “The Heir ring! It is channeling itself through Sirius!”

“You would have the House of Black bow to another! We have stood strong for hundreds of years, leading the magical world!” Sirius felt himself shout, barely recognizing the words pouring from his lips. “I will see you burn! I will see you flayed alive for your impudence, the blood of your House will litter our doorstep for your presumption!”

“Sirius control yourself!” Regulus screamed fearfully. He turned to James with tears in his eyes. “What’s happening to him? He’s never done this before! This isn’t like him!”

Before James could answer, Sirius lunged towards Dolohov, who had frozen in place, his hand with the signet ring suddenly turned clawed and swift as a tiger, Sirius’ hand darted out, digging nails dug into Dolohov’s face, the very touch causing Dolohov’s skin to burst into smoking blisters. The boy’s screams rang through the hall, causing students to fall over themselves to get to the main doors. 

“Sirius!” James shouted. “Sirius no!” Meanwhile, Sirius’ hand had latched onto Dolohov’s face, filling the hall with Dolohov’s screams. The professors were running towards them, but James realized that Dolohov was going to burn unless someone did something now-

“Sirius!” James jumped forward and latched himself in a hug to Sirius’ shoulders from behind. “Sirius stop! This isn’t you! Come back to us, the power of my Love compels you!”

“Oh lord,” Remus grumbled, seeing Sirius war with the hatred pumping through him via the ring, now suddenly mitigated by James’ odd declaration. Seeing that there was only one thing to be done, he ran and expertly tackled the whole group to the floor, knocking everyone off balance. He then proceeded to climb over Sirius and pin him down. “Peter, quick!”

Peter scurried over quickly, and threw himself over Sirius, squishing the leaner boy underneath the muscle born of pulling Abraxan foals out of breech births. With Sirius secured, Remus turned to deal with Dolohov, only to see Regulus dash out and deliver a vicious groin kick to his nemesis before squealing and scurrying away to hide beneath Severus’ cloak. 

“You are all fools,” Snape proclaimed, and drew his wand. “Petrificus totalus maximus!” He cried, snapping everyone within reach in a full body bind. Sirius’ family magic fought the hold, threatening to break through. 

“Quick!” Remus cried, dashing over, and ripped Snape’s cloak off of his shoulders, slightly tearing his shirt in the process, “distract him!”

“Lupin, how dare you disrobe me!” Snape shrieked, but the damage was done, Severus’ shoulders were out, and Sirius’ eyes latched on greedily. Slowly, the madness receded from his eyes, replaced instead by goopy lust. 

“Excellent spellcasting, Mr. Snape,” Dumbledore complimented him, and lifted the charm binding on everyone. He glared at everyone else on the floor. “This has been a most terrible display! I am ashamed that such a thing happened in Hogwarts! Mr. Black,” he said addressing Regulus, “are you alright? Did Mr. Dolohov hurt you earlier?”

“No sir, we ran really fast,” Regulus said. “But Sirius-!”

“Yes,” Dumbledore said, sweeping over to check on Sirius, with Regulus bouncing agitatedly behind him. “Mr. Black,” he said, “can you understand me?”

“Eh? Oh, er, yes,” Sirius mumbled, somewhat shamefaced. “Sorry sir, I don’t know what came over me-”

“It was your family magic, Mr. Black,” Albus explained gently. “As this is the first time it manifested, I think that you will be a tad shaky. A nap in the hospital wing is in order, I believe.”

“And I shall call your cad of a father,” Minerva snapped, “so that he may explain himself! What was he thinking, giving someone so young that ring? It is only meant to be given when of age! I shall be having words with that man!”

“She’s right,” James frowned, still holding Sirius. “My parents wouldn’t give me an Heir ring yet, they said that I couldn’t handle the power just yet. I didn’t notice that you already had yours.”

“A discussion for a later time,” Albus said firmly. “Please escort Mr. Black the Elder to the hospital wing. Horace, I trust that you will deal with Mr. Dolohov? Hate speech and incitement of violence have no place at this school.”

“Oh, yes, rather,” Slughorn blustered, and whisked the offender off. 

“Minerva, please contact Lord Black,” Albus said. “I shall also have words with him.”

Minerva nodded stiffly and bent down to prise James off of Sirius. “Let him go, Mr. Potter, he is quite recovered.”

“Did my love save him?” James asked. 

“Your ridiculousness certainly played a part, fool boy,” McGonagall snapped. “What were you thinking, throwing yourself at Mr. Black when his magic was so volatile? You might have injured yourself most gravely!”

“My love for Sirius would have shielded me!” James wailed. “His magic would never attack me!”

“Your stupidity astounds,” McGonagall sniffed. “And you, Mr. Lupin! What on earth was that tackle!?”

“It is a grappling position in Brazilian jiu jitsu called the full mount,” Remus explained, to the snickers of other students. “My uncle taught me when I went to Brazil for the holidays, because I am half Brazilian, you see. The full mount entails-”

“Please stop saying that,” Minerva gritted out, as more students joined in the snickering. She glared at Peter who stared back defiantly.

“Remus taught me how to grapple over the summer!” He said bravely. 

“Boys do things like that,” Lily explained. “They like to touch via fighting as a way to avoid falling under the toxic masculine edicts of not showing physical affection.”

“I know, Miss Evans, I have brothers,” McGonagall sighed. “Mr. Snape, please robe yourself, child.”

Snape held the tatters of his cloak around his angular shoulders, spurring daydreams of several sixth year girls and also Sirius. With a haughty ‘hmph!’ Snape turned and shimmied out of the hall with Lily shielding his modesty. 

“Oh, what a to-do,” Albus sighed. “Everyone, please go to your classes! Mr. Black, let us go to the hospital wing, where you can have a nice nap.”

Sirius waddled uncertainly behind the headmaster, noting that Regulus was shuffling agitatedly after him. Sirius got into an empty bed and allowed his hamster brother to tuck him in, fretting all the while. “I’m too revved up for a nap, sir,” Sirius said. 

Albus reached into his pocket and pulled out a vial of lavender oil. “Sniff this, it will relax you,” he said. 

Sirius took a whiff, closed his eyes, and dropped into a graceless slumber. 

***

“Oh dear, perhaps that was a tad too potent,” Albus mused, as Regulus’ eyes popped at his brother’s unconscious form. “Oh well, nothing to do about it now.”

***

When Sirius came to, he first registered the warm weight of his tiny brother nuzzled into his side. Regulus had gotten permission to do a bunk that day, and spent it napping like a kitten beside his brother. “What time is it?” Sirius asked groggily. 

“Just past noon,” Regulus replied, pawing delicately at his little nose. “Daddy and mummy came by, they’re getting chewed out by the headmaster for giving you the signet ring too early. Apparently the magic could’ve damaged you terribly,” Regulus fretted, sitting up. 

“I feel alright,” Sirius said, propping himself up on his elbows just in time for the curtain around his bed to swish back, revealing…

“Squish!”

“Black,” Snape monotoned. He was dressed in long, green robes that tightened at the sleeves and were cinched at the waist. He looked delicious, like mint choco-chip ice cream, garnished with hatred. 

“What’re you doing here?” Sirius asked curiously. 

“I am Madame Pomfrey’s intern, starting this year,” Snape replied. “It is in preparation for the Healer course after I graduate.”

“Wow, you’re so organized and ambitious,” Sirius said admiringly as Snape shooed Regulus off of the bed to take Sirius’ blood pressure and sugar levels. 

“And you are....normal,” Snape muttered, looking at Sirius’ readings. He glared at the Heir ring, sitting innocuously on Sirius’ finger. “Nasty piece of trash ring, possessing unwitting people, how dare it,” he growled, aggressively fluffing Sirius’ pillow. 

Sirius beamed, buoyed at the thought that Snape was angry on his behalf! Perhaps there was a silver lining to this day after all. 

Sirius watched Snape’s fingers move deftly, uncorking and stirring rejuvenating potions. “Drink,” Snape ordered, thrusting a vial to Sirius’ lips. Sirius drank obediently, looking up at Snape through his inbred eyelashes. 

“Black, are you being coy?” Snape asked, aghast. “Stop at once, egads.”

“What can I do to convince you of my true desire for you, Squish?” Sirius asked. 

“Perhaps not stare at me with your strange eyes,” Snape shuddered. “Who even has silver eyes?”

“It is due to inbreeding and recessive genes,” Sirius explained. “There was creature blood in the family a long way back, but the gene never got diluted out. It’s also why there’s the famous Black Madness, it’s really just dragon blood that mixed in with the family magic. We always knew about the creature blood - basically all of the Sacred twenty eight are descended from creature lineage, you know, that's where pure magic comes from - but I just realized that that power was probably in the Heir ring too.”

“That’s why you burned Dolohov with your touch,” Snape breathed, realizing what had happened. “Your dragon tendencies never died out.”

“Nope,” Sirius beamed. “It’s also why I’m so fierce. Rawr.”

“You are abominable,” Snape corrected. 

“And yet, endearing,” Orion Black’s amused voice rang out. 

“Daddy! You came!” Regulus cried, bounding over to hug Orion.

Orion held his affectionate apricot child and met Sirius' eyes. “Are you well, son?”

“I'm meh,” Sirius said. “You didn't say that the ring would go absolutely bonkers if we were threatened.”

Orion sighed heavily and sat down, allowing Regulus to coil around Sirius once more. “When I first felt the family magic come over me, I was in the heat of battle. It was do or die, back when Grindelwald's forces were gaining a foothold in Britain  and eliminating the upper echelons. I was grateful for it. I did not think it would manifest so strongly within you, and at school at that.”

“I posit that it was because Sirius was angry on Regulus' behalf,” Dumbledore said wisely, coming up behind them. “Sirius feels far more strongly when it comes to his little brother, as is natural and correct.” He smiled sadly at Sirius. “It is a most wonderful thing. Ah! If only I had not been such a fool in my youth, and had shown my own brother my affection, he would not spurn me now!”

“Don't you live together, sir?” Sirius recalled. “I mean, he obviously likes you.”

“True, true, but he is forever calling me a swot and the uglier brother! And to think that my sweet sister's portrait agrees with him!”

“Do you have a picture, sir?” Regulus asked. 

Albus reached into his robe pocket and pulled out his purse. From within, he drew out an old picture of himself and Aberforth in their thirties. “Behold! I did not look so bad, I think!”

Sirius gulped. True enough, the headmaster was not ugly by any means,  with his red hair and lean build, but his brother… was a stud. 

“Er, he's just pulling your leg, sir,” Sirius said weakly.

“Ah, validation,” Dumbledore beamed, as Regulus giggled. “But,” Albus said severely, “I have had a word with young Orion here about the dangers of bestowing the family magicks too soon. Sirius, you will have to learn to control the urges that come with the magic pouring through you.”

“I am, once again, sorry,” Orion sighed. “I did not mean for anything like this to happen. But the headmaster is correct, Sirius will have to learn control. The Black family magic is rather...showy.”

“How?” Sirius asked slowly, dreading the answer.

Here, it was Orion’s turn to blush. “Um. It fuels, um, anger. And- sexual. Urges.”

Sirius stared at his rapidly reddening father. “I- is this why I’ve gone all wibbly for Severus here?”

Snape flinched in horror and drew back several paces, using Regulus as a human shield. Orion, however, shook his head. “No, no. Those feelings cannot be inspired, but rather amplified. I suspect you’d already fancied him, but the ring has a way of unclouding your mind and making your own thoughts clearer. Especially those of a more...ahem...nature.”

“You needn’t be so cagey when talking about sexuality daddy, such things are perfectly natural!” Regulus piped up. “We’re not muggles, after all, with their odd prejudices against love.”

“No, we are not,” Orion agreed, “but I am also not accustomed to speaking openly in the presence of the elderly,” he said, eyeing Dumbledore, who looked surprised. 

“Really, Orion, I did not expect this prudery of you, especially as I have found you and your fellow dorm lads entangled with each other more than once, and in many inventive locations and positions.”

Sirius looked delighted at his father’s horror and shame, while Regulus burst into a fit of tiny, musical giggles. Snape looked sorrowful on Orion’s behalf, while Dumbledore, content with the damage done, merely patted Sirius’ shoulder and biffed off happily with a ‘toodle pip!’. 

“Daddy!” Regulus squealed happily, “You’d always said that you’d only ever loved mummy!”

“Clearly, I lied,” Orion grumbled. 

“Dumbledore said ‘your dorm lads’,” Sirius recalled. “There was more than one? Oh no,” Sirius said, realization crashing down upon him, “dad, you didn’t!”

“Didn’t what?” Orion grumped. 

“Shack up with the dark lord!”

Orion groaned and put his face in his hands while Sirius marvelled at his father’s prowess, bringing all the Dark Lords to his metaphorical yard. This was truly unprecedented. “Did you love each other?”

“No,” Orion snapped, “we did not. This is a boarding school, surely you know what happens amongst lads stays amongst lads.”

“I have never pinched the bums of my buddies,” Sirius said defiantly. “I’ve only practised kissing Remus, but he was too overwhelming, I don’t know where it came from. I suspect that his inner Brazilian was aroused.”

Snape shrugged. “I would never seek the attention of my gormless roommates, they are, in mine and the general population's opinions, trolls.”

Regulus continued to resemble a slice of buttered toast - perfectly wholesome and heartwarming. “Barty and Rab have something going on, but James and I are saving ourselves for each other.”

“I cannot believe that you have turned Potter into the wholesome individual that he is now,” Snape marvelled. “I am sometimes tempted not to kill him these days, but then I quickly remember myself and continue my hatred of him.”

“But James is nice to you now!” Reg insisted.

“Yes, but I am not a similarly nice person.”

“But why do you hate him?” Reg asked.

“Because when I see him pawing at you I have the urge to hex his hands off,” Snape said simply. “Not that I covet you, you understand,” he explained further, “but I have some fondness for your person, having spent four years next to your blueberry-like personality.”

Regulus beamed happily, because he was loved by all, what a wonderful notion. Meanwhile, Sirius was posing artistically on the bed. “Am I more your type, Squish?”

Snape inspected Sirius in a manner not unlike how one would inspect a frog prior to dissection. “Egads.” Snape reached over to the shelf and unstoppered a vial before pouring out a spoonful of purplish liquid. “Here, drink this and stop speaking atrocious statements.”

Sirius gobbled up the spoonful happily, and stared with limpid eyes at his paramour, who tended to him so lovingly. Slowly, his eyelids began to droop and he fell into a deep, restful sleep. Snape smirked and put the vial back, and turned to Orion, who was looking curiously at him. “It is a potent version of Sweet Dream Potion,” Snape explained. “He ought to rest, to heal his magic.”

Orion nodded. “I see. One of your own?”

“Indeed.”

Orion looked critically at Severus, who was decidedly no great beauty. Then again, Sirius fancied the boy. His features were too sharp, too angular, and he was a harsh taskmaster. Not to mention his being a halfblood. But, Orion mused, looking at Regulus speaking to the boy, who was nodding sedately while casting diagnostic charms over Sirius’ snoozing figure, he was an adept wizard - exceptional, even. 

He certainly had an interest in poisons. 

“It seems that I owe you thanks again, young Snape,” Orion said quietly, making the boy look up sharply. “The headmaster told me about how you immobilized Sirius, preventing further damage.”

“That was mostly Lupin,” Severus conceded. “He is unsurprisingly agile and his Brazilian heritage has once again saved the day.”

Orion felt vindicated in accepting the wolf boy as his vassal. After all, what better spy than the artful predator? He was very pleased with himself, oh yes. 

However, not all of his decisions had been quite so fruitful, Orion thought, glancing at Sirius with a pang in his heart. His son was laid in a deep slumber, and Regulus' little raccoon eyes were toned red with stress and the tears he was holding back. 

“He forgives you, daddy,” Regulus' quiet voice broke through Orion's guilt trip. Here looked up from Sirius' serene face to see Regulus' gentle expression. “He knows you'd never seek to hurt him. You love him.”

Orion nodded, unable to form those treacherous words. “Perhaps he shouldn't. What happiness have I brought him? What trust can he have in me?”

“He trusts you enough to call out for you in his nightmares,” Results said bluntly, watching Orion's eyes widen in shock. “He knows that you will shake Britain to its core to keep us safe. And you have, daddy, so please, don't think so poorly about our love for you.”

In his sleep, Sirius snuffled adorably, certainly more so than when he was awake. In a fit of paternal emotion, Orion reached out and touched Sirius’ hair, trailing his hand down to cradle his face. Sirius smiled slightly and nuzzled over like a puppy, breaking Orion’s heart. 

This world would prey on his sons for simply being themselves - remarkable, good natured, and ironically of House Black. No matter what, his sons were doomed to lose out on something - either their kin, or their friends. 

And if Tom Riddle - never Gaunt - had his way, then perhaps both. 

Orion’s thoughts were interrupted when James, Remus, and Peter squiggled in urgently to look in on Sirius. “We’ve brought chicken pot pie from the kitchens,” Peter said by way of greeting. “Nothing like it for a comforting meal. Sirius you lump, arise!”

Sirius blinked his eyes open blearily, and immediately brightened at the sight of friends and food. “What ho, lads, thanks ever so for dropping by.”

James flung his arms around Sirius. “You daft balloon, we were so scared!”

Sirius accepted the hugs and thanks each of his friends in turn. “James, thank you for believing in my love for you.”

“Mention not.”

“Remus,” Sirius said, “thank you for, um, mounting me.”

“You're welcome,” Remus smiled, looking like some lightly charred potatoes. 

“Peter, Madame Pomfrey said that you pulled a muscle in my groin when you subdued me.”

Peter shrugged. “I'm more used to dealing with cows and mares. Also, you have weak hips.”

“This is true, many members of my family have osteoporosis, I must increase my calcium intake,” Sirius mused, and looked at his father. “How's your bone health, dad?”

“Adequate,” Orion hummed. He was certainly very flexible, as his boyfriends in the past had often commented. But the children were not to know that. “Are you feeling well, Sirius?”

“Oh yes,” Sirius said, sitting up and stretching. “Severus' sleeping potion hit the spot. I am glad that I am well, especially seeing as this weekend is Hogsmeade weekend.”

“If you're going to the village, pick me up some goose feather quills, please,” Orion requested. “I am running low.”

“Sure-”

“Also, pick yourself up the latest edition of Mind Majicks by Edward Willowbrook.”

“Why?” Sirius asked.

“Because,” Orion explained, “Occlumency, the art of obscuring one's thoughts, goes quite a long way in helping to control three thoughts amplified by the signet ring. The Willowbrook book is widely acclaimed as a text for beginners-”

Snape snorted delicately, but did not forego making his derision known. 

Orion peered at him. “You object?”

“Intensely,” Snape said silkily. “Willowbrook's views on guided meditation are completely contrary to the process - it keeps the listener actively involved. The process of occlusion must be passive, ingrained, if it is to work in a pinch. Otherwise, it is simply some hippy nonsense.”

Orion stared. “And I suppose that you can occlude better without the guidance of the book.”

“Immeasurably so.”

“I should like to test it,” Orion said, and without warning, launched into Severus' mindscape-

-Only to be met by an immovable wall of woe that leeched away his happiness filling him instead with anxiety and foreboding,  something was wrong, it was looming over- 

Orion pulled himself out of Snape's mind and glared at the smirking boy. The gall of him. “What,” Orion gritted out, “was that?”

“My awful childhood,” Severus said triumphantly, making everyone else sad. 

Orion looked consideringly at Severus. “Impressive. I should like you to reach my own son you guard his mind. I would, of course, pay you handsomely.”

Sirius' face lit up, even as Snape's expression sallowed. Sirius loved his devious dad.

Snape looked at Sirius, contemplating his life. Seizing the opportunity, Sirius batted his obscenely long eyelashes in a tantalizing manner. Snape shuddered, but did not sense any ill will from the inbred fool. “I… accept,” Snape said decisively, and Sirius beamed with the force of a thousand suns. 

This was going to be an interesting year.

Chapter Text

Orion was having a lovely day. 

Walburga had deigned to be intimate with him after a whole month - not that he could blame her. With all the stress of Regulus' engagement, it had been hard to get it up.

But today had been fun, Orion mused. Of course Cygnus had noticed Orion's glow and had mercilessly called him out, and was there anything worse than your little brother knowing that you had been nasty? No, there was not. 

The Lupin Wolf had written to him, confirming that Sirius was up and about once more, and that Regulus and James were absolute puppies around each other, playing footsie and touching fingers under the table on the pretext of Regulus getting OWL tuitions. 

His sons were happy, he had gotten some, and he may have impregnated his wife. Orion was a happy man. He looked over to Walburga, who was glaring at the cauldron she was working over. “Pregnant?” Orion asked. 

Walburga tipped a few drops of her blood in, and watched the potion go clear. “No, you awful cad,” she sniffed. “You shan't have me swollen like a watermelon again, no sir.”

“If it happens, it happens,” Orion shrugged happily. He'd always wanted another child. 

“I have borne two children, while you have had none,” Walburga accused him. “If you wish for another, you will have to carry it yourself!”

“And who shall knock me up?”

“A man of proper breeding and blood,” Walburga sniffed, before brightening. “Like Tom! And you have history together, it is perfect! Imagine, Orion - you would bear the Heir to the House of Slytherin!”

Orion's face puckered painfully. “I am not sleeping with Tom again. He is too large, it's uncouth.”

“Thirteen and a half inches, yew wood,” Walburga laughed. “Oh, but I miss those raunchy nights. We three had such fun before he went off to the continent.”

“You just liked to see me get pegged,” Orion grumbled. 

Walburga laughed merrily, and Orion saw the young woman he had learned to love once more. How had she lost herself to melancholy and rage, his bright, vivacious,  wife? How had the wretched Black Madness claimed his wife, only to torture him with sweet moments like this?

Perhaps it was right that Regulus would wed Potter, so far removed from the Blacks. Perhaps the magic was telling him something, with how Sirius had fallen for the Snape boy. 

Someone could blood adopt the Snape boy, surely. It would be alright. Sirius did not have to go through what he had. It would be alright, Orion thought, as Walburga flounced off into the floo to go to her luncheon meeting. This was fine.  

The doorbell rang.

It was not fine.

It was Tom Riddle. 

“Orion,” Tom grinned handsomely. “May I come in?”

“Tom,” Orion grumbled, standing aside to let his evil guest swan in. “What causes you to grace my humble home to- oh,” Orion stopped himself, staring at the bouquet that had appeared in Tom’s hand. “Begonias,” he noted quietly. “You remembered.”

“Of course I did,” Tom grinned. “One does not forget their friend’s favourite flowers.”

“You’re not getting into my bed this time though,” Orion huffed, accepting the flowers, making a note to tell Kreacher to burn them later. It was the done thing with gifts from dark lords. 

Tom smirked. “And have Walburga come after me? No thank you, I am not quite so bent upon my own destruction. I would have a word, if you would permit it,” Tom said, stepping into Orion’s personal space. Orion could feel the want and power and heat radiating off of his old friend, and he suddenly felt very much in danger. Only one thing for it, then. 

“Kreacher, the tea things,” Orion ordered quickly, hoping that Kreacher would come quickly. The trusty elf popped over hideously, and eyed Tom beadily, before bowing to Orion. 

“Master called?”

“Yes,” Orion said. “Tea. And some scones. With raspberry jam,” Orion said clearly, making eye contact with Kreacher. The elf noted the code word and nodded stiffly, before bowing deeply and popping off. Orion felt a wave of relief wash over him, knowing that help was coming soon. Kreacher knew that Orion hated raspberry jam, and had so made it their code word for danger. 

They sat for tea, and engaged in conversation about the various bills passing through the Wizengamot, slowly creeping towards Tom’s intended topic. “The new grant for the wolfsbane potion,” Tom said quietly, “is foolhardy in the extreme. I would not back it, knowing that it is likely to yield no result. The grant money is best served elsewhere.”

“And where is that?” Orion asked dully, knowing now why Tom had come to visit.

“A revitalization of Knockturn Alley,” Tom said, his tone earnest. “It is a place of filth and vermin, and with the grant money being reappropriated, we could rebuild it into a proper wizarding community.”

“The grant money would not cover such extensive remodelling,” Orion said. “What do you propose to do for the rest of the money?”

“That, my friend, is where you come in,” Tom beamed. “I would ask you to join as a partner to invest in this project.”

Orion stared. Becoming embroiled financially in Tom Gaunt's political platforms works be as good as declaring his lot for Voldemort, not that many others knew that the two were one and the same. Sly man, Orion thought. The quintessential Slytherin. Still, Orion knew where his priorities lay.

“I must insist-”

“Orion.” Tom leaned forward, slipping his hand over Orion's. It was a startling gesture, warm and friendly, that spoke of a long sense of familiarity. “This is for the good of our kind. I know that you feel as I do.”

Orion felt his stomach twitch in anxiety and wished that someone would show up, if only to help him bury the body later. Tom could not hope to harm him in the ancestral house, but Orion still needed him gone before he broke through Orion's occlumency shield. 

Just as luck would have it, the door burst open to reveal… Cygnus. Orion stifled a groan. How did “get help” end up becoming “get my swotty little brother?”

“Feelings aside, we've already invested a significant amount lately,” Cygnus the accountant breezed in. “It's a lovely series of Parisian cafes, they've turned a lovely profit, and we will keep the money in there for a while longer. What ho, by the way,” Cygnus said cheerfully, picking up a scone.

“What ho,” Tom grumbled. “I had hoped to enter into a serious relationship with you, Orion, but it seems that I have been thwarted.”

“Face it, Tom old bean, you'll never hold a candle to a proper macaron, no man can compare,” Cygnus said taking a bite out of a biscuit.

Tom sighed and stood up. “I really ought to get going,” he said. “Orion, thank you for your time… and your company.”

Cygnus giggled around his biscuit. Orion glared at his awful brother and stood. “I shall see you out.”

At the door, Tom turned and looked at Orion, holding his gaze. His expression was curious, not the mask that he usually wore.

“What is it?” Orion asked carefully.

Tom looked at him a moment longer before speaking. “I can't say that I regret much in life, Orion. Allowing you to slip away, though - I regret that.”

Orion blushed terribly. “Tom, we were twenty.  It has been years.”

“Still counts. It counts for me.” With that, Tom turned and disapparated, letting the ether swallow him, leaving an utterly flustered Orion behind him. 

Cygnus hooted mirthfully at him. “Your face, Orion, is a picture.”

“Possibly because you came over to have a showdown with the dark lord of our age, and ended up calling him an 'old bean' and eating a scone!”

“Oh pish, it's just Tom,” Cygnus waved Orion's worry aside. “Can't fear the man who you caught drilling into your brother in the broom closet during sixth year.”

Orion shrieked thinly in rage. “What!”

“Yes, you eternal bottom, I lost my way to the kitchens and got an eyeful of you and Tom at it. I then ran and told Walburga and we gossiped about it with Tom, who said you were very nice in the sack.”

“She has always had an unhealthy interest in pegging me,” Orion grumbled. Oh, how the pieces of the puzzle feel into place!

Cygnus fixed Orion with his beady gaze. “So…are you considering it? Walburga loves to watch you getting pegged.”

“I am not,” Orion, Lord Black, gritted out, “going to have a threesome with Tom Riddle and my sadistic wife. And to think, in was having a lovely day.”

Orion certainly hoped that his sons were having a better time of it. 

***

Sirius was having a lovely day. 

It was Hogsmeade weekend, and he had several important plans - not least of which included buying that awful occlumency book, and also making sure that Regulus and James didn't sneak off to snog.

“Of course not,” James denied with faux affront, “I wouldn't just abandon my pals! Reg is going to meet up with me in the Three Broomsticks later. I'll spend time with my lads first.”

“Good on you,” Remus said. “Lilly said she would meet up at the Three Broomsticks as well, as will Marlene.”

Peter's ears went viciously pink, as they descended into some lad-like ribbing of his impending date with Marlene McKinnon. But Peter bore this with good grace, because his friends were idiots, and were genuinely happy for him. 

“Ah! Would I have but one moment with Squishius, I would tell him how much I crave his thorny company!” Sirius cried. 

“He's probably going to be out with Lily and the gals anyway, you'll see him then,” Peter said. “He says that the lads are pretty rank company.”

“You talked to him?” Sirius whinged.

“He runs an underground cosmetic potions ring, so I bought my mum some of his hand creams,” Peter shrugged, stepping into Hogsmeade and immediately burrowing into Remus' side. “Gah, it’s cold already, how is it so cold, it's just the beginning of October. Moony, hold me against your unnaturally warm body.”

“Lupine metabolism,” Remus hummed, allowing Peter to bury under his cloak. The lads put their time to excellent use at the joke shop, the book store (Remus), and the chocolate shoppe (also Remus). James then insisted on buying flowers for their paramours, and bugged Sirius about Regulus' favorite flowers-  “Begonias, he likes begonias, you utter cheeseball.”

James grinned and steered his posse to the florist who looked suitably confused to see four strapping lads in his shop. Still, he was not one to turn away business. 

“Begonias please,” James beamed winningly. “The cutest ones that you have.”

The florist obliged and picked out a fistful of dainty white and pink begonias that were sure to make Regulus squeal and make his eyes gleam like a basilisk, albeit less lethally. But James would die for a glimmer of his beloved’s eyes, ah! What a poetic soul he possessed!

Remus opted for a more sensible rose, white, so that when Lily put it in her hair, it would be seen, and compliment her snowy complexion. Peter followed suit, picking out a traditional red rose. 

Only Sirius was left, and confused, at that. “Sir florist, what flowers would you suggest for a man, a most thorny yet beautiful specimen?”

The florist looked confused. “...what?”

“I’m looking for flowers for Severus,” Sirius pouted. “Won’t you help me further my love?”

The florist’s expression cleared. “Oh! Severus Snape! Y’ought to have said so at the start! Good lad, a frequent customer too. He usually buys these,” the florist said, thrusting a bunch of pretty wildflowers into Sirius’ hands. “Be a lad and give him those, and he’ll give ye a smile, guaranteed.”

Satisfied, Sirius paid and flounced out, happy as a clam. The boys headed to the Three Broomsticks, where Regulus waved them over eagerly, wedged as he was between a bemused Lily and Marlene. Anyone would have thought that he was a ladies man, until he started squealing about his favorite topic - his fiancé. 

“Begonias, my favorite!” Results squeaked, and pressed a little kiss to James' cheek, turning the older boy into something that resembled a fire hydrant.

Wordlessly, Remus placed the rose in Lily's hair, making her smile shyly. Peter stuttered over his romantic overtures, but was met with pleased warmth by Marlene nonetheless. 

Eager for his turn, Sirius presented Snape with his flowers. “For you, my prickly pudding.”

Severus started at the blooming flowers before looking up at Sirius with an unfathomable expression. “You've brought me… nightshade.”

“Eh?”

“Poisonous nightshade.”

Sirius blanched in horror. “I- I don't-”

“Thank you,” Severus said simply, plucking the flowers from Sirius' hands. “You stopped by the florist, I presume.”

Relieved that he wasn't being cursed, Sirius nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, the one by the watchmaker.”

“Rosario's shop,” Severus said. “He sells me flowers for potions on the cheap. He must have thought you were a courier for me. I'd placed an order with him.”

Sirius sat down heavily, tired out from the journey of their interaction. “Oh,” he mumbled, and then immediately tried to drown his sorrows in butterbeer.

Meanwhile, Regulus was looking highly pleased. “What a lovely day it has been,” he said gaily. “Are we going to the Cat Emporium afterwards?”

“Oh let's! I've to pick up food for Mr. Whiskerton,” Lily said,  at the same time that Sirius said, “Ew, cat,” Peter said, “Eek, cat,” and Remus said,  “Yum, cat”.

Lily glared at the bunch. “You are the absolute-”

Lily never completed her sentence, on account of a missed curse, and the whole pub descending into chaos. 

***

Bellatrix Lestrange swept down the streets of Hogsmeade in a temper. 

Her Lord was preoccupied, disturbed, that the Head of House Black had thwarted his advances - personal and professional. Bella seethed and cursed quietly at her uncle Orion. How dare he! How could he reject her Lord, the saviour of their traditions, and espouse the ways of … the filth! The filth that he allowed to roam their halls!

Bella gnashed her teeth at the memory of the mudblood girl in her familial home during Regulus’ engagement. Pah! The engagement itself was a farce - which self-respecting family would consider a Potter as a match - filthy blood traitors that they were! What had Orion been thinking, making a match with that base and sullied house?

Bella stopped, and breathed out harshly. Her Lord was distraught at losing Orion, the great fool who did not realize the honour being coveted by the dark lord. Bella was a devoted follower, though. Bella was smart, and empathetic. Bella understood the feeling of being denied love. 

Bella was a good lover. 

Bella would burn in her love, so long as the object of her affections was happy.

Perhaps he would smile at her too, when she brought him what he wanted. 

Bella’s lips stretched in a beautiful, sinful smile. She would be content with this. Blowing out a breath, more measured this time, she looked around and found that same breath hitching in her bosom. 

Sirius. Bella snarled at the sight of her cousin, the unworthy heir, all cozied up to the mudblood girl from the party, with Regulus between them. She scanned the crowd and found Potter, the Lupin boy that her uncle doted on, and more riff raff. 

Distantly, Bella felt her blood boil as the redheaded girl threw back her head in a laugh. Bella gazed at her her milky throat, bared to all the world, yearning for the point of Bella’s knife. Oh, how she would watch the blood spill, unworthy and impure, down, down, onto the floor-

Bella knew what she must do. 

Bella reached into her purse, and took out the bone white mask that her lord had gifted her - an artefact from his travels on the continent, picked just for her, the first and only one of its kind. You will inspire more, he had said. 

Bella raised her wand. 

She fired. 

***

The Three Broomsticks was in chaos as its patrons screamed and dived out of the way of the mad witch blasting curses at them. “Blood!” She screamed, “I’ll have your dirty blood!”

Quicker than he could register, Sirius was up and in front of his group, his wand at the ready, blocking the mad woman’s spells. “Run! Take cover!” He roared. 

Of course no one listened to him. It was par for the course. 

Instead, James joined his side, fighting by his side, the fool. At least Remus had brains, and had pulled Regulus, Rab, Lily, and Barty down under the cover of the table. “Stay there!” Remus yelled, as he deflected a piece of rubble that threatened to fall atop Rab, “I’m going to get help!”

Remus dashed out, moving faster than he had any right to, going directly towards their assailant. With all the grace of a samba dancer, he swung his hips vigorously, dodging spell after spell, until he was close enough to bump the woman with his powerful hip check. That one moment was enough to throw her off her balance, startled. 

“Remus go!” Sirius cried. “Get help!”

Remus ran, and in his place, Peter rose to fight.

In Bellatrix’s one moment of distraction, caused by the dizzying dance moves of the dancing wolf, Peter transformed into that most fearsome of animals - the bug-uglius rattus. Quick as a flash, Peter scurried up their assailant’s skirts and delivered a bite to the woman’s ankle, making her screech in a manner most ungainly.

Seizing the moment, Sirius stepped up his duelling, using all the most unholy curses that mummy had taught him. No luck, he just managed to keep the villainess on her toes, but even Peter’s continued ankle assault and Sirius and James’ spells were not enough to fell the witch. 

Then, in a fit of raw power, the witch screamed, and waved her wand wildly, causing the very foundations of the pub to shake. Regulus barely had time to look up before the roof started to collapse on him. 

“No!” James cried. “Reg! Take cover!” 

With a frantic squeal, Regulus and his friends dashed underneath a table, even as the roof collapsed around their ears. Sirius’ scream of horror was drowned out by another, a rage-filled roar that he knew deep in his heart-

“Dad!”

Silhouetted against the ruined doorway stood Orion Black, his wand in his hand and his eyes blazing. “Not my son, you bitch!” Orion roared, and slashed his wand down, throwing the battle in favour of Sirius’ group. 

Sirius stood back, watching in horror as he realized that this was a battle between two battle hardened sorcerers, and that he was out of his depth. He had never seen his dad fight, not like this - angry and animalistic, terrified that he had lost his little cherry of a son. 

Just when there seemed to be a deadlock between the two fearsome sorcerers, the unthinkable happened. From behind the witch, Lily reared up, a vat of Rosmerta’s mead in her hands. With deadly precision, she brought it down on her would-be murderer’s head, felling the woman. 

As she fell, the witch’s mask dislodged, rolling away even as she landed face-down with a thud. The silence that followed was ringing, the patrons and combatants alike not quite believing what had happened. Ever the pragmatist, Severus bent down and picked up her wand, before casting a strong immobulus to bind the woman. 

“Regulus!” Orion cried, snapping himself out of his fugue. 

James threw himself into the rubble, digging and throwing debris aside. “Reg! Reg, say something!”

Everyone threw themselves into digging through the rubble, Sirius’ eyes stinging from the dust and the tears springing to his eyes. If something had happened to Regulus- it had all happened so fast-

“We’re here!”

Sirius burst into relieved tears as he heard Regulus’ tinny voice from underneath the mounds of rock. “Reg!”

“We’re under the table! I drew a shield rune with butterbeer, it’s given us a protective bubble! We’re alright!”

“Hey!” Another voice squeaked.

“Rab’s foot is crushed,” Reg’s voice continued. “Sorry!”

“Is it bleeding much?” Snape asked hurriedly. 

“Yes!” Rab’s voice squealed. “There’s a lot of blood, and I am dizzy, like a menstruating girl!”

Snape sighed. “I shall take care of it. Let us get you out first.”

They dug fervently, until they came across a translucent blue bubble - Regulus' rune shield. Beneath it, Reg, Barty, and Rab were crouched, mostly unhurt. “Daddy!” Reg gasped.

Barty wiped away the butterbeer that Regulus had used to draw the rune,  breaking the shield. Immediately, Reg bounced over to his dad, while Rab fainted delicately into Severus' arms with a strained, “Alas!”

With no one to go to, Barty sighed and pouted, looking around for affection. He settled for waddling over to Orion, pretending that his father loved him as much as the Black patriarch loved his sons. Orion looked down at the little blond boy basking in second hand affection. “Heir Crouch, what are you doing?”

“Revelling, sir.”

Orion sighed, but extended a hand to pat the boy on the head. Barty was shocked into silence, but after several pats, smiled like a sun-baked lizard. Ah, this was the life, now if only Barty could get himself adopted into a nice family of muggles and start afresh, he would be set for life. 

Orion looked at Sirius, just as he bent down to scoop up the rat that had come shooting out of their erstwhile assailant’s socks. “Sirius, dispose of that creature, it might have germs.”

“But I love him like a brother!”

Orion stared. “Are you addled in the brains, boy?”

In response, Sirius tucked Peter into his breast pocket. “I’ll explain up at the castle, dad, please?”

Orion gazed disturbedly at his eldest, but was quickly diverted to tend to his little persimmon of a son. “Regulus, are you alright?”

“Yes daddy, the rune shield held up,” Regulus said. “Though I was a bit worried, they are meant to be drawn in blood, not butterbeer. I can’t believe that you came to save us though! How did you get here so quickly?”

Orion nodded to Remus, who was just about the same colour as the wooden floor and was blending in nicely. “Young Lupin has a way to contact me in an emergency. I gave him the other piece of a charmed mirror so that he may contact me if things ever went awry.”

Sirius pouted at Remus. “I can’t believe that you are friends with my dad,” he moaned. 

“Vassal,” Remus corrected. 

“And a good one at that,” Orion snapped. “Thank Merlin that I was summoned, heaven only knows how you would have coped with this harridan,” he said, pointing to the still laid out witch. 

“Who is that?” James asked. “We ought to know who had the immortal rind to try and attack us in broad daylight.”

“A good question,” Orion snorted. A crowd advanced as Orion walked over to the felled witch and pushed the toe of his boot underneath her body to flip her over. “We shall see who was so foolhardy as to try and attack the House of Black.”

Orion tipped the body over, his eyes connecting with the mad gaze of the girl that he had once loved as his very own. 

And in that moment, wizarding Britain would never be the same again.

***

Throughout the innumerable hours of interrogation, Orion kept his boys close. His mind was in chaos, his thoughts racing with concern for his brother, rage against Bellatrix, the implications of her crime to their House, and any harm that she could have wrought to his own sons. 

Rabastan Lestrange’s foot was beyond repair. The matron had taken one look at it and hurried the moaning boy into the healing chambers, but it could not be saved. She had said that the only thing that had saved the rest of him was Regulus’ rune shield. Rabastan would have to go through the rest of his life with a false foot - one that his hairball friends were even now decorating with paints and bright colours to cheer the disconsolate boy up. 

Rodolphus had been informed, and was a silent spectre at his brother’s bedside. He was pale with worry and grief, his lips pursed till they were non-existent. In the lull between interrogations, Orion stood and walked over. “Heir Lestrange, a word.”

Rodolphus stood, and followed Orion to a corner. “What would you ask of me, Lord Black?” He said quietly. “What can I possibly give you to right this?”

“Your word,” Orion replied, “that you knew naught of your wife’s intentions.”

“You have my word, upon my Magic,” Rodolphus said firmly. “May It flee from my veins, should I be untruthful in this regard.”

Orion gazed balefully at Rodolphus. “But you are not blameless in her actions. You allowed the association for this to occur. You fostered these thoughts.”

“I… I cannot disagree,” Rodolphus demurred. “I must take the blame for my thoughtlessness. It is one thing to speak, but another to cause harm,” he said, looking at his sniffling brother. 

“You feel this only because it was your brother who was hurt,” Orion said brusquely. “Your wife targeted a ward of House Black. She targeted the future Lord of House Black. You know now what it is to feel loss and the pain that I would have felt had anything happened to my sons.” 

Rodolphus did not reply immediately, letting silence fall between them. When he finally did speak, his voice was mild, his tone deferential. “What, then, would you have me do?”

“Reassess your path,” Orion said. “Reassess the path that House Lestrange is on, and who it allies itself with. Your father is an old man, Rodolphus, and I foresee that you will become the Lord within the year. Remember this night. Remember this conversation, and let it guide your future actions.”

“I am sure that my brother’s lack of limb will serve as just reminder,” Rodolphus said bitterly. “But what would I say to my current allies?”

“Your House might have suffered a great loss today, Rodolphus,” Orion said, looking pointedly at Rab, who was listening to James telling him a joke. After a minute, he broke out into wet giggles, momentarily forgetting his pain and loss. “You have been blessed this day. No one would fault you for taking care of yours and yourself.”

Rodolphus nodded slowly. “Perhaps...it is for the best.”

“House Black will give you restitution,” Orion said, his tone softening, “for the harm that your wife, our daughter, caused upon your House. You are well within your rights to forsake the bond, given that you have no children by Bellatrix.”

Rodolphus met Orion’s eyes. “I accept,” he said blithely. “In light of the events of this day, and the culpability of your daughter, my wife, I do forsake and call for the dissolution of our marital bond.”

“I accept your word,” Orion said. “What do you wish for in recompense?”

“Nothing,” Rodolphus shrugged. “What damage the daughter of your House wrought, the son of your House mitigated. Regulus’ rune work saved Rabastan’s life today, and I am cognizant of the fact. Let it be enough.”

“So mote it be,” Orion said quietly. The two men stood together, the silence heavy between them as the old magic worked around them, taking back its promise and bond from Black to Lestrange. “We will make it official by way of the courts tomorrow. But for now, our children need us.”

Rodolphus followed Orion back to Rab’s bedside, and smiled tightly at his drowsy brother. “Roddy,” Rabastan mumbled sadly, “I’ve no foot! It is wooden now, and they have written foul words on my new foot! See!” Rabastan held his wooden foot out, displaying the untidy handwriting of his friends with the messages, ‘Rab sleeps with a teddy bear’, ‘Sirius Black was here’, and a sweet ‘Get well soon!’ from Lily, who had also tried to erase Sirius’ message. 

“It is a placeholder, we will get a better one made for you,” Rodolphus sighed. 

“And I am behind on my OWLs revision, what a multitude of sorrows befalls me, oh woe!” Rab cried dramatically. 

“Which subjects are you behind in?” Rodolphus asked. 

“Just divination.”

“Oh that's alright, you can fail that one. Not like it matters.”

“Excuse you,” Sirius interrupted, “but as a certified Seer, I resent that remark!”

“But all you See is bits of Remus' life, that doesn't count,” James said. 

“It's how I know that Remus wears socks to bed and speaks no English at home, and practices his samba on Saturdays. His favorite biscuits are Digestives.”

“What are those?” Orion asked, crinkling his refined nose in distaste.

Wordlessly, Remus reached into his pocket and pulled out a mini packet of the aforementioned biscuits and held them potty for everyone to try. After a cautious chew, Orion hummed. “Scrummy and flavorful, I am shocked. You must give these to Kreacher to replicate.”

“I also have the chocolate coated ones,” Remus divulged. 

Orion's eyes glittered. “Most gratifying.” The gleam in his eyes dimmed, as the rat crawled out of Sirius’ pocket and nibbled on his son’s biscuit, as Sirius tenderly stroked the repulsive rodent’s head, flattening it’s tiny ears. “Sirius! Dispose of that creature!”

“Never!” Sirius cried. “He is family to me!”

Remus sighed. “Sirius, Mr. Black doesn’t know about Peter.”

“Oooh,” Sirius said, realization striking him. He put the rat on the ground, upon which it became Peter. 

“Egads,” Orion said faintly. “An animagus?”

Peter blushed. “Well, if you say so, sir.”

“And you bit Bellatrix?”

“I did, sir.”

“Then you have my thanks,” Orion said, “for acting to save my sons.”

Peter blushed, transformed back into a rat, and jumped into James’ coat pocket, unable to bear the pressure of praise. Orion shook his head and turned to the other boys. “Is there anything else you foul creatures are hiding from me?”

“Noooo,” Sirius lied.

Orion despaired. Looking around himself though, his sons were alive and well, and happy. A great threat had been thwarted. He would find happiness in that. 

Chapter Text

While glad at his sons having survived and their continued happiness, Orion knew that he would go to a home that was grieving at losing their daughter. 

Cygnus - his sweet, cheerful brother - was a shell of himself, sitting by the fireplace, his wife across from his, looking similarly lost. Orion perched himself delicately next to his brother and placed a hand on his knee. “Cygnus-”

“I’ve lost two daughters, Orion,” Cygnus said suddenly. “One to love and one to hate.”

At the mention of her eldest, Druella, Cygnus’ wife, flinched. Even now, she could not bring herself to acknowledge Andromeda as a living, breathing person.

“I don’t know what to say, Cygnus,” Orion admitted. “Had I known the extent of Bellatrix’s madness, I would have done something sooner. As it stands, we can seek treatment for her-”

“Two dead,” Cygnus interrupted, his hollow gaze resting on Orion’s face. “In the attack. She killed two people when she caused the roof of the pub to cave in. Theodocia Fortescue, Florean Fortescue’s wife, and Ulrich Reinhardt, a German diplomat. The people are up in arms, it is an international incident. The only reason that this house does not burn is because of Sirius, who fought. Because of Regulus, who protected others, regardless of caste or creed.” Cygnus paused, and looked up once again. “Because of you, and how fiercely you duelled Bellatrix, to protect the rest.”

Orion’s hand slid from his brother’s knee, but Cygnus took it and put it around his shoulders instead in a silent demand to be hugged. “Oh, Cygnus,” Orion whispered, holding his brother.

“You saved us when Bellatrix would have been our ruin,” Cygnus sobbed. “The reason the House still stands is down to you, Orion. You, your decisions - they’ve saved us.”

Druella spoke with hope in her voice. “But could we still try to get Bella-”

“Have you not been listening, woman!” Cygnus cried, jumping to his feet, his voice like thunder. “She has killed two people! There is no treatment, there is no exile, there is no hope for her! She is demented! She will be sent to Azkaban, and set to rot! And I am not sure that I am not relieved for it! She tried to harm her cousins, the babes that she once held and loved! Her uncle, who let her want for nothing! What would it take for her to turn her wand on us, her parents? Her sisters?”

Druella gave a withering gasp and fell back, her jaw slack, and began to weep. Cygnus sat down once more and shook with the onset of his own tears. “The blighted girl tried to kill my nephews, the boys that came running to me for stories, and cookies, and hugs when no one else would have them. She tried to ruin the house that gave her everything. She cast us aside for- for what?”

Orion stood, his mind racing. “It is time,” he said, “that the issue was addressed head on. Cygnus, I am going to pay a visit to Gaunt Manor.”

Cygnus stood urgently. “Orion, you mustn’t!”

“I must.”

“No!” Cygnus yelled. “I won’t have it! The world can wait, Orion, I will not have you running to your doom!” Cygnus breathed heavily, blinking back tears, and when he spoke, his voice was shaky and subdued.  “I- I need you now.”

All thoughts of anger and plotting fled, and Orion wrapped his brother in his arms. Vengeance could wait. His family needed him now.

***

Sirius was still reeling from the destruction of his family dynamic. Regulus was not so much reeling as being a hamster with hypertension. It was just as well that they were back in the hospital wing to check in on Rabastan and his not-foot. 

“Oh, we must write to uncle Cygnus,” Regulus fretted. “He must be heartbroken! And I must tell daddy to seek medical advice, what if he was hurt in the duel?”

“Stop it,” Sirius grumbled, and tackled Regulus, who went down with a squeak of defeat. His butt firmly planted on Regulus’ back, Sirius began writing his family a letter. “I’m telling you, this is all because of that new dark lord chappie - he’s bad news, that one is. Unless someone gets him under control, he’ll wreak havoc. Havoc, I say!”

With the power of his love, Regulus overturned Sirius and shimmed out from underneath him, going to curl up like a bunny on top of Severus, who grunted manfully at the intrusion. “Someone ought to...see to that,” he said silkily, looking at Remus, who frowned.

“If you are suggesting that I commit murder-”

“No, I am suggesting that I will commit the murder,” Snape interjected. “You can eat the evidence. Snape and Lupin, partners in literal crime.”

“Werewolves don’t eat humans,” Remus sniffed. “We much prefer cats.” He smiled as Lily smacked his arm lightly as her awful ragdoll cat hissed in a panic and scuttled away quickly to take refuge under Rabastan’s robes.

“Aw, kitty,” he cooed, before remembering that he was a proper pureblooded male, and changed his tune. “Oh, I say. Harumph, and all that.”

Rodolphus, who had come to check on his brother’s recovery, overheard and sighed, even as Rabastan smiled innocently at him. Perhaps falling out with Lord Slytherin had been for the best. Surely, Rabastan would not do well as anybody’s soldier, with his sugarplum disposition.

“Are you better, Rab?” Rodolphus asked, sitting beside his brother’s sickbed. 

“Oh, much better now,” Rabastan nodded. “The lads and some of the girls have been ever so nice to me, though I don’t think I know them.”

“They’re my friends,” Lily provided. “Marlene - the other redhead - is Peter’s girlfriend. Mary is the one with the curly hair, and Dorcas is the one who wears trousers.”

“No girls from...our acquaintance?” Rodolphus hazarded. 

“Oh, cousin Cissy came by to look sad at me,” Rabastan said, missing the underlying question completely. “I feel awful for her - Bella was her sister. And Lucius is such a pill, you know. No emotional depth at all. But Barty’s been here the whole time!” Rabastan said cheerfully. “He sneaks in to sleep here too, only when the matron comes by, he hides under the bed.”

Rodolphus looked askance at the wispy blonde boy whose enormous pale eyes seemed to dominate his thin face. “Heir Crouch, I did not know that you were so close to my brother.”

“Oh, we’re real close pals sir, if you know what I mean,” Barty said eagerly. 

Rodolphus looked conflicted. “And what does your father have to say of your...association?”

“Oh no,” Barty squeaked, his eyes growing impossibly bigger. “He must never find out about this sir!”

“Then how, precisely, do you intend to court my brother without causing a scandal? Your family is Light aligned, whereas we are most certainly not. Observe,” Rodolphus said, and reached over to pinch Lily, who squeaked. “There, I have caused strife to muggleborn.” Sitting back, Rodolphus most certainly did not expect Lily to reach over and pinch him back. As it was, he was shocked. “Oh, I say.”

“Well, I intend to die,” Barty said cheerfully, to mixed reactions. 

“Nooo,” Rab wept. “Oh, I am widowed even before I am wed, woe is me.”

“No, don’t cry, Rab,” Barty said, “I’m going to come back. I’ve got a neat plan, you see. I will pretend to die, then pop back up as an up-and-coming half blood from the Midlands. We will fall madly in love, and get married! Severus has agreed to be my cousin, to pass off my ancestry.”

“It is harebrained enough to work,” Severus opined. 

“You two look nothing alike,” Lily noted. 

“True, but I do look a bit like you,” Barty pointed out. “We have big ears and skinny noses. For the purpose of this exercise, we will all be related!”

“Did you just decide to make me Sev’s cousin to further your ruse?” Lily asked incredulously. 

“Yes!” 

Lily dropped her head into her hands as Snape patted her shoulder. “There, there. We are related on my awful father’s side, as per Barty’s concoction. You are my long-lost cousin, twice removed.”

Rodolphus looked at his seed-brained brother, who was marvelling at Barty’s equally garbanzo-brained plan. They were truly made for each other. Suddenly, he registered the warm breath of someone else in his ear. “You should let them marry, Rod,” Sirius whispered. “They so love each other, and besides, you can carry on the main line.”

Rodolphus cringed and glared. “I shall thank you to not breathe into my ear hole. And how can you say such a thing, when my own marriage is so recently dissolved? Cad.”

“Did you really love Bella?” Sirius asked. “You were full on cringing during your wedding ceremony, as I recall.”

“No, I did not love her,” Rodolphus admitted. “But she was great in bed. Loud, though. Maybe I’ll look for someone quieter.”

“Ew,” Sirius whinged. “Quick, obliviate me, someone!”

Rodolphus rolled his eyes at Sirius’ dramatics, and stood to leave. “I shall return in a week’s time to bring you your new custom ordered foot, Rab. In the meantime, try not to get into trouble.” He paused, and looked at the strange group that was somehow his brother’s friends circle. “Thank you. For helping him. Rab is-”

“You’re welcome, but it’s unnecessary,” Remus said patiently. “We are Rab’s friends.”

Rodolphus jumped, having not seen Remus till then. “Who in Circe’s name are you?”

“I am Remus Lupin. I’m going to be the Black family vassal.”

“Excellent blending in, then, I suppose,” Rodolphus said hesitantly. “But thanks is necessary. Rabastan is...the only one I will have left soon, after my father goes. He and I are far enough apart in age that I was a fraternal and paternal figure to him. With the change afoot, I would not like any child of mine to be caught in the middle. So I thank you all for keeping him safe. Heir Crouch.”

Barty looked up with lemur-like eyes. “Yes, Heir Lestrange?”

“I shall approach your father regarding your relationship with Rabastan. Do not try and fake your demise just yet.”

“Sure sir, I was planning on holding off till I graduate, anyway,” Barty said cheerfully. 

Rodolphus stalked off, leaving the little group together. “I do hope Roddy finds some happiness,” Regulus said sadly. 

“Perhaps he could find contentment in dedicating his life to philanthropy and public service,” Sirius said seriously. It took all of a minute for him to break. “Ha! Sike, he totally won’t - he’ll probably find another pureblood lady and try to marry her.”

“Why can’t he marry a bloke?” Peter asked. “I thought wizards could do that.”

“I think that the poor chap is strictly heterosexual,” Sirius said sympathetically. “Shame. He isn’t as lucky as some of us,” he said, gently laying his hand atop Snape’s who curiously let it linger. 

“Oh Severus,” Lily sighed happily, glancing at her friend, who had finally decided to accept happiness and love-

“What? Oh, urgh,” Snape said, snapping out of his reading and registering Sirius’ touch. “Unhand me, you boor.”

“Ah! And here I thought that I was making progress!” Sirius cried. “What will it take for you to give me a chance, Squishy?”

“You are wholly abhorrent,” Severus decried Sirius.

“That’s not a no…”

“Egads.”

“Do you think that they have a chance together?” Lily asked the room at large. When no one replied, she smacked James, who jolted out of his ogling of Regulus. “Stop groping him with your eyes!”

“Huh? Oh. Are we talking about Sniv and Sirius?”

“Yes!”

James peered at the duo. “I actually think they’ll be good for each other. Between the two of us, Sirius can be a bit flighty and impulsive. Snape’s good at keeping people grounded. And the opposite goes as well - Snape can get into a funk, but Sirius is a bit of a firecracker. They balance each other out quite well.”

Lily marvelled at James’ sudden increase in emotional intelligence. “Wow, when did you evolve?”

“I’ve been reading improving books,” James said, fishing a little book from his bag and holding it out. Lily peered at the book - How To Access Your Emotional Quotient For A Healthy Relationship, by Orpheus Vesuvius. “Gotta keep on my toes to keep Reg satisfied and happy.” 

“You are so sweet,” Lily marvelled. “It’s like all you needed to become wholesome was a tiny, pocket-sized boyfriend.”

James beamed. “He loves me.”

“Yes,” Lily said softly, looking at Regulus, who sensed that he was being watched, adn waved gaily. “He really does love you.”

“What about yourself?” James asked.

“I don’t love you.”

“Wow, say that faster, won’t you. I meant Remus.”

Lily laughed. “We’re well on our way, I’d say. He’s so lovely, you know. And such a gentleman, when he’s not trying to eat my cat.”

“He hasn’t eaten any cats when I’ve been around him,” James said placatingly. 

“I can take him home,” Lily said. “I can take him to my parents, and he can talk about muggle things, and he can even be kind to Petunia.”

“Your awful sister that Snape hates?”

“That’s the one,” Lily sighed. “If only she wasn’t so...bitter. I can understand it - I mean, I get to do magic! But it isn’t my fault that she can’t.”

“I can’t pretend to understand,” James said. “I was lonely growing up as an only child. It was when I came here that I found my family that I didn’t know I was missing. I found a little brother in Sirius, and a big sister in Remus.”

“Being genteel doesn’t make you a girl,” Lily said hotly. 

“No, but you haven’t seen Remus when he’s fretting. He turns into a hen.”

“He more than proves his masculinity on the dance floor.”

“Oh my god,” James breathed. “I remember that when McGonagall was preparing us for the Yule Ball two years ago, she called on Remus to demonstrate. Then...I don’t know what happened, but he got detention.”

“For what?”

“Gross misconduct, McGonagall said. Remus kept saying that he was just going the samba, but she still took points.”

Lily burst out laughing. “Oh goodness! I wonder where he learned to dance, he’s lived in Wales his whole life!”

“He travels often to see his mum’s family in Rio,” Sirius said, interrupting. “Portkeys make international travel pretty easy, and they don’t mind that he’s magical. They get him to herd the sheep and keep the other wolves at bay. Then, in the evening, they all go dancing.”

“How do you know?” Lily asked. 

“Sirius has Seer blood,” Peter explained. “He’s not a proper Seer though, he doesn’t have any control over it. He mostly Sees bits of Remus’ home life.”

“That’s...odd,” Lily said. 

“Not really,” Peter shrugged. “His power is just channelling so that he can see the person he most worries about. The magic is reassuring him that everything’s alright.”

“That’s really insightful, Pete,” Lily marvelled a Peter, who preened as best as a rodent could. 

“Oh Sirius,” Remus said gently, “that’s so sweet. I care about you too.”

Sirius blushed. Ah! His mushiness was revealed to all! “Yes, well, you do get into the most scrapes, old thing. I do see others though - like the time I saw James fall out of a tree and break his nose.”

“How did you manage that?” Lily asked. 

“Very simple. I landed on my nose. See, it is crooked here,” James pointed out.

“That is by far the stupidest thing that I know about you,” Lily bemoaned him, even as Regulus sighed dreamily. 

“Oh, it is the imperfections that make him so lively and sweet!”

“Please do stop bleating,” Sirius grumbled. “Not everyone is quite so lucky in love.”

“Well, you have to persist,” Lily said staunchly, eyeing Severus, who had gone back to reading. She lowered her voice and said, “if he was completely set against you, he would have said so. As it is, I think that he is finding it difficult to trust you, given your difficulties in the past. Perhaps a more public gesture would reassure Sev as to your intentions.”

Sirius brightened. A public gesture? It looked like there was still something of a war to be fought for the lissom Severus’ hand, and by golly, Sirius would be the one to prevail.

***

Honestly, who answered the door in their dressing gown, someone without house elves, that’s who, it was indecent and vulgar, and Orion could see Tom’s pectorals, egads. 

Tom smiled, the lecherous swine. “Orion. I was expecting you.”

“And yet you dress thusly to receive me.”

“It’s not anything you haven’t seen.”

Tom led Orion into the sitting room and summoned some wine for them. He opened the bottle and began setting out the cheese and crackers. “Why do you not get a house elf to do this?” Orion asked, intrigued. 

“I do not like them,” Tom confessed. “They are like cats, underfoot and capable of evil.”

That was actually a very good description of Kreacher, Orion mused. “It is of the latter that I would speak to you, Tom.”

Tom paused in setting out the plate and looked up at Orion through a thicket of dark eyelashes. “Your niece.”

“Your protegee.”

“She was enamoured with me, I did little to encourage it. My thoughts lie elsewhere.”

Damn, damn, and double damn, Orion cursed mentally, as Tom’s lips quirked up into a tiny smile. Ah, and he was blushing again, what was life so stacked against him? “Why do you persist in needling me thusly?”

“Because I like making you blush,” Tom grinned unrepentantly. 

“Tom, be serious,” Orion said. “My brother is a broken man.”

Tom’s expression sobered. “I am sorry for Cygnus, I truly am. But I did not know that Bellatrix would act as she did. I would never condone it.”

“It does put an end to your agenda.”

“And what, pray tell, would that be?” Tom asked smoothly. “You are as much of a traditionalist as I am, Orion, do not pretend otherwise. And do not say that you have not killed to have your way. I know you, remember?”

“I have never acted with malice,” Orion rebutted. “I have acted to protect what is mine, and if I shed blood in that way, then no court will find me guilty. But you, Tom-”

“I did not kill Myrtle,” Tom said quietly, stopping Orion in his tracks. “I was sixteen, and I did not know her - why would I bear her any ill will?”

“You have killed others.”

“I have killed those who would have seen me dead,” Tom said. “The man who effectively killed my mother, and his parents who stood by him, even when I, the proof of her truth, stood before them. Did you know,” Tom continued, caught up in his memories, “that my grandfather offered to shoot me so that no one would know that his son had sired a son with ‘the tramp’s daughter?’”

“I...I am sorry, Tom.”

“Not that my mother was the paragon of purity. I am fairly sure that she used magic to convince my father to elope with her.”

“They acted poorly,” Orion said. “But you needn’t be a reflection of them.”

Both men paused in their verbal sparring to take account of their words. “Drink, Orion,” Tom muttered, stroking the hereditary locket of Slytherin at his neck. “It is good wine.”

Tom continued to stroke the pendant at his neck thoughtfully, even as he drank. Orion watched Tom's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, thinking furiously on his next move. 

“How are your boys?” Tom asked quietly. 

Orion shrugged. “Well. It could have been worse.”

“The little Lestrange boy,” Tom murmured. “Are his wounds severe?”

“He has lost a foot. Rodolphus is distraught. We shan't be seeing either of them soon, I think. They will take time to recuperate.”

The message was clear - you have lost the Lestrange brothers. Tom frowned. “The bond between your houses has been dissolved, then, I take it?”

“Not wholly. Rabastan is my nephew still, and he is inseparable from Regulus. They are equally ridiculous.”

“The word around town is that the Crouch boy will seek an alliance with Rabastan,” Tom said. “It will certainly throw a spanner in the works - the Crouches are as Light a family as there can be.”

“I do not think that young Barty cares overmuch,” Orion said. “Worst comes to worst, I will take the boy in and dye his hair black.”

Tom chuckled. “Hen.”

Orion gawked in a very bird-like manner before catching himself. “Tom,” he said seriously, “what do you intend to do? I cannot have my family threatened again.”

“I never intended to threaten your family, Orion, you know that it is the last thing I would want. I am rather...fond of you.”

Orion steamed under his collar like a steamed pork dumpling. Curse Tom and his frank confessions! “I- I…”

“I am also friends with Walburga, we take tea together and she frets over my childless state,” Tom continued. “I may not like your choice of wards, but I cannot dictate your actions, my friend.”

Orion peered at Riddle. “Why on earth are you so against muggleborns? Aren’t you a half blood?”

Tom frowned. “That was a hit below the belt,” he snipped. “But yes, I am. I don’t particularly have anything against them, and certainly it is nothing personal,” Tom shrugged, “but I am honour-bound to protect our way of life. Muggles are...cruel,” Tom said, his eyes glazing over. “They revile anything that threatens their small minded world view, and they attack it violently. They do not hesitate in killing in the worst way possible.”

“Tom-”

“I have seen the streets of London littered with the bodies of babes, Orion,” Tom said quietly. “I do not claim to be a saintly man, or even one who is kind. But it was that night that made me see the dangers that their people can bring unto us.”

Orion paused, at a loss for words. How does one talk through something so traumatic?

“They used to beat me,” Tom went on. “Burn me, for my...oddness. Heaven knows that they had no proof, but their petty biases were enough to label me as evil, mad, and worthy of punishment. I was six, Orion,” Tom said distantly. “I was a child.”

“And they hurt you,” Orion said quietly. “Oh, Tom.”

Tom sighed and sunk into his armchair. “I don’t want them in my world, Orion. The muggleborns are a risk - they will bring their ideas, their ideals, and their twisted worldview to us, and they will never be content with what we offer - they will always try to make us change.”

“You think that they do not assimilate?” Orion asked, thinking of brave, loud, Lily, who could cast a curse as well as anyone in her year. 

Except maybe the Snape boy. But he was a particularly angry, wet kitten. 

“It only takes one,” Tom countered bitterly. 

“One against many, Tom. And if we stay vigilant, we can fight it,” Orion said. “I am a traditionalist, you know that. But even I can see that the children are not the woebringers that you paint them as. They look at us with curiosity, not revulsion. They watch us not to harm us, but to learn from us.”

“Your little girl,” Tom said, “the red headed one. That is whom you speak of.”

“Yes,” Orion said. “And the Snape boy.”

“He is a half blood, is he not?” 

“Indeed. And not to mention the Lupin boy.”

Tom glared. “There is something truly odd about that one.”

“Don’t be rude, Tom, he is half-Brazilian.”

“Not that, egads. I am not a xenophobe, thank you,” Tom grumped. “He’s just too mild and cozy to not be putting up a facade.”

“He is not mild by any means,” Orion grumped. “Have you seen that menace dance? It is as though a firecracker has come alive!”

Tom shuddered at the memory of Remus dancing vigorously. “How unseemly.”

“We agree on something, I see,” Orion chuckled, and took a sip of his wine. “This is good.”

“It is merlot,” Tom grumbled. “Muggle. They have a greater variety and depth to their alcohol, you know.”

“Are you telling me that you walked into muggle London and brought wine?” Orion asked incredulously.

“Of course not. I have an...acquaintance who works in Claridges.”

“An acquaintance.”

“Yes.”

“A muggle acquaintance.”

“His name is Dennis.”

“Please explain,” Orion said, his head hurting. 

“We were at the orphanage together, and I once pulled him out of an underwater cavern he had fallen into,” Tom said. “Though it was actually me who caused him to slip in the first place,” he mused as an afterthought. “He married Amy, actually. They have repulsive children.”

Orion sighed at the paradox that was Tom Riddle. “Have you never thought of having repulsive children of your own? You are Lord Gaunt and Lord Slytherin, and you are without Heir. Perhaps you ought to fortify the future of your own House before seeking to fortify our society against easily quelled - even imaginary - threats.” It wasn’t as though a ballpoint pen would harm the wizarding world, Orion mused, thinking back to the odd but efficient tube that young Lily used to write her letters to him. 

“I haven’t met anyone who would do me the honour of having my child,” Tom said silkily, and they were back at this again, huzzah. Tom’s gaze lingered meaningfully upon Orion, who felt very much like he was on show, like a prize cow being led to the field to be bred. 

“You should get on that,” Orion said. “Secure yourself first, Tom, society can wait. You will find that children have a way of changing how you see the world, and how you perceive others.”

“You think that a child will make me more mellow.”

“More...compassionate,” Orion said. “I know that you are capable of kindness, Tom. Children will bring out the best in a parent, and I have high hopes for you.”

“You think me kind, Orion?” Tom asked quietly. “Loving?”

Orion blushed. Ah! How did he keep getting embroiled in these verbal traps! “I know you to be capable of those things, certainly,” he said, not willing to give up. “What precisely will you gain by goading people the likes of Bellatrix?”

Tom sighed. “A sentiment,” he said wistfully. “The re-emergence of our traditions, the pride in our society, the maintenance of our ways.”

“But Tom, we are not diminished,” Orion pressed. “It has been centuries, and we still use quills, for example. We still maintain our ways of life. We still celebrate Beltane, Imbolc, and Yule.”

“When was the last time that Hogwarts celebrated Yule?” Tom asked, pouncing. “It is Christmas, courtesy of the muggleborns. Our ways are slowly being stripped from us!”

“But the answer is not to target people, Tom!” Orion cried, suddenly angry. “If you want to see Yule make a resurgence, then appeal for it! Use the system! Do you think that the muggleborns will be so quick to reject us? They accepted magic, after all, why would they not take the opportunity to learn more of our ways - their ways, now?”

“The old guard will not hear me!” Tom shouted, suddenly surging to his feet. “Do you think that they will listen to one man? One Lord Gaunt? A societal movement is necessary!”

“Your traditions are not worth the lives of children!” Orion bit back. As Tom made to speak again, Orion held up his hand and stepped into Tom’s space. It was now or never. “Your ideology nearly cost me my sons today Tom! Regulus could have very well died today! I will never sit by and allow for my children to perish for an idea! 

“Hear me now, Tom Riddle!” Orion said firmly, surprising Tom into silence. “I will not have my children die for tradition. I will not have my children live in fear for their lives and those of their peers. If you continue on this path, I will stand against you, and the House of Black will stand against you.”

The silence following Orion’s declaration stretched between the two men, their raw power crackling between the sparse gap between their bodies, now so close. Tom’s dark gaze rested on Orion’s paler visage, taking in his words and his intent. Suddenly, Orion realized that they were now close, standing mere inches apart. He gulped, as Tom made no move to create distance between them. Instead, Tom inched forward, his eyes locked on Orion’s.

“T- Tom?” Orion asked, suddenly very aware of the heat from Tom’s body. He stepped back, unsure.

Quick as a flash, Tom’s hand darted out to steady Orion. His lips curved in a small smile. “And you still wonder,” Tom breathed sinfully, “why it is that I want you so.” Orion turned a fantastic shade of sakura pink as Tom gazed upon him with adoring eyes. “Your conviction, your fire, your raw, untamed, power that swirls at the base of your core...your ass,” Tom whispered, his voice full of desire. 

Orion squeaked in a manner reminiscent of Regulus and jumped back. “Tom! I am a married man!”

“I know,” Tom said, his voice softer now. “And how I wish that I was less of a fool to have taken you as mine, all those years back. When I still had a chance.” He smiled bitterly. “Out of respect for your lovely and...volatile wife, I muzzle my yearning.”

“Walburga would probably tell you to have at it, the awful woman. She wishes to see me suffer and grow heavy with child,” Orion pouted.

Tom’s eyes gleamed with desire. “Then perhaps...I shall ask,” he breathed, hope reawakened.

“What about me!” Orion demanded. “Oh, does no one think about poor old me?”

Tom smiled, a rare smile with absolutely no malice - only mischief and genuine pleasure. “Oh Orion. Only ever at your convenience.”

Orion groaned. He did not think that saving wizarding Britain would involve carrying his long lost lover’s child, while his terrible wife watched him be subsumed by Tom’s terrible love. 

“What on earth will my children say?”

“I should think that they would be happy to see their father help the continuation of two ancient Houses,” Tom countered. “Certainly, your younger boy will be pleased - I sensed that he is the type to be pleased with such things like babies and soft animals.”

“What will Cygnus say?”

Tom paused. “You are correct. Cygnus needs to be handled delicately.”

“I haven’t even agreed to this yet!” Orion cried out. “I haven’t even asked my wife!”

“Then I shall,” Tom sniffed. “I shall come by in a week’s time, to ask your wife formally for your assistance. I shall also seek permission from Cygnus to...join our Houses in a formal alliance,” Tom said, pleased with his own wording. 

Orion groaned. “I should like to go home now.”

“I shall drop you off.”

“Kreacher will murder you,” Orion said balefully. “He doesn’t like you.”

“Your terrible house elf?” Tom asked. “I don’t know why you put such stock by that awful beast.”

“They’re beings, actually,” Orion said pedantically. “And Kreacher is part of the family, going back generations. Regulus would be heartbroken if something happened to that awful sac of skin.”

Tom grinned. “But I shall see you.”

“If you must.”

“And I shall have you.”

“Eep.”

Not wasting anymore time risking his purity, Orion disapparated, eager to let the void gobble him up.

***

“Tom wants to join our Houses together?” Walburga asked, repeating Orion’s message. 

Orion, who was slouched over the sofa in a faint, nodded feebly. He had appeared home in a daze. On the one hand, he may have just saved Britain from seeing the rise of a Dark Lord, the likes of which they had never seen. On the other hand…

“Does he intend to marry Sirius?” Walburga asked, confused. 

Orion shook his head mutely. He lifted his hand and pointed shakily towards himself. Walburga frowned, but the eureka moment came momentarily. “You! Oh, Orion!” Walburga cried delightedly. “He asked you to carry his Heir!”

Orion glared at his wife’s effusive happiness. Really, did no one care about him?

“This is fantastic! Can you imagine - the House of Slytherin-Gaunt will be re-established with our bloodline! A Black-Gaunt coupling has not taken place since the twelfth century! Oh, this is historic! And to think - we will enable this!”

“We?” Orion cried. “Woman, let me be clear - ‘we’ are not doing anything! I am! It is my rear that Tom seeks, not yours!”

“And you should be so glad to bend over!” Walburga scolded. “For tradition! For history!”

“You just want another baby.”

“I hope it is a girl,” Walburga sighed happily. “Oh! I have such ideas!”

Orion frowned and looked pleadingly at his brother, who had momentarily snapped out of his stupor. “Save me!” Orion demanded. 

Cygnus looked sorrowfully at his brother. “I can’t say that I’m enamoured with the idea, old chap, but I can’t wholly blame Tom for Bella. She was a bad egg, and was always on about violence. It is as much my fault that she went wrong. A man can talk, as Tom certainly must have, but as her father, I ought to have corrected Bella and brought her back on a more tempered path.”

“That’s awfully harsh, Cyggie,” Orion said. 

“No, it isn’t. Bellatrix had not a nice bone in her body, but I overlooked it to see her married off and to retain my place in society. I excommunicated Andromeda, but kept that bad apple. She would have gloried in our ruin, so long as it fit her mad ideas.”

Orion could not disagree. “But you must take time to mourn, Cyggie. She was your child, and you loved her.”

“Oh, I do,” Cygnus replied. “But I know a lost cause when I see one. I don’t think that Tom - for all his hatred and meanness - is one though. He is capable of reasoning. Which is why, Orion, I think that you should do this.”

“What!”

Cygnus smiled at his flailing brother. “A child that is half-Black is a great restraint on his radical ideas. You would have much influence on the child, and on his decisions. It could even be part of the agreement, you know - that any child that you have together would take the political stance of House Black.”

Orion fell back in thought. “His name, my values, you mean.”

“Precisely, that’s using the old bean.”

Just then, Kreacher shuffled into the room and peered disturbingly at Orion. “Master Orion is seeking to be gravid?”

Orion shuddered. “Yes,” he admitted.

Kreacher nodded. “Then Kreacher shall prepare the fertility potion. Master and Master’s intended must complete the copulation ritual two weeks from the first dose, under the light of the full moon.”

“Oh, that will be romantic,” Walburga grinned. 

“Under the light of the moon?” Orion squeaked. “We’ll be outside?”

“Kreacher will put up a tent,” Kreacher said, “with no roof. The light of the moon, the great symbol of fertility, must touch Master’s skin as he conceives.”

Orion moaned. “How do you know so much about this?”

“Kreacher has served the Black family for generations. Kreacher oversaw the ritual that conceived young Master Alphard, and the late Lord Tiberius of House Nott and Black.”

“Then it’s settled,” Walburga smiled, leaning forward and pecking Orion’s cheek. “We will wait for Tom to formally call on us and then start the potion regimen.”

Orion pouted and glared at his loved ones. He stood and went into his office, thinking about how to tell his sons that  they were going to have another sibling.

Chapter Text

McGonagall’s voice cut through the common room like a whip. “Mr. Black!”

“I didn’t do it,” Sirius mumbled sleepily, thrashing about in his dream, from where he was reclined on the carpet with his head on Remus’ knee. 

“Mr. Black, wake up this minute!” 

Sirius’ eyes popped open in alarm as he sat up, his hands caught daintily over his chest. “Madam! You have caught me in a state of informality!”

Minerva sighed. “Up, you menace. Your father is here to see you.”

Sirius stood quickly. “Is everything alright?”

“Quite,” Minerva’s tone softened. “He looks well, and he says that you are to return home for the weekend with your brother for a family event.” She looked at Remus, who was picking up a rat and stroking the happy animal’s ear. “Mr. Lupin, you are the Black’s steward, yes?”

“Vassal now, but I will become the steward when I graduate,” Remus replied. “I will take the spot upon my graduation, replacing old Mr. Blenkinsop.”

“Perhaps you had best come along then,” she said unsurely. “Mr. Potter-”
 
“I’m going to marry into the family!”

“Sit down, child, you are not married yet.”

“But I am so devoted to my beloved!”

“Gratifying as that is to hear,” Minerva said, her lips quirking up at the purity of the sentiment, “you are not yet a part of the Black family. So please, before I petrify you, sit!”

James flopped down unhappily, while Sirius and Remus followed McGonagall to the headmaster’s office. As the door opened, Sirius felt a gust of wind as the mini Typhoon Regulus swept past in a rush to hug his dad. “Hello pet,” Orion muttered, hugging his youngest son back. He looked pointedly at Sirius, who slugged over and dropped a kiss to his father’s cheek. 

“Hi dad.”

“Now that we are all here, headmaster, I would like to take my children back for the long weekend,” Orion addressed the headmaster. 

“Oh certainly, certainly,” Dumbledore beamed, clearly in the know about something that Sirius was not. “I hope that it is a fruitful event, Orion, and may I just say - I could not be prouder of your actions than if you were my own son.”

“Eck,” Orion gulped, as Sirius goggled. 

“Ah! That you scheme and plot for the greater good! What a noble plan!” Albus continued to wax poetic.

Orion looked distinctly uncomfortable as his sons looked questioningly at him. “Daddy? What’s going on?” 

“I’ll tell you boys soon,” Orion mumbled. “For now, grab any assignments that you have to hand in soon, and pack some essentials. We’re going home for the long weekend.”

“Is it serious?” Regulus asked. “Oh, is uncle Cygnus alright?”

“He’s fine,” Orion sighed. Ah, but what a loving child he had! “Sirius, pack.”

“You say that you love me, and yet you speak to me as though I am a disobedient puppy.”

“Shoo, bad,” Orion grinned, sending his sons on their way. “I shall see you in the entrance hall.” After enduring several more minutes of Dumbledore calling him a ‘good lad’ and ‘my boy’, Orion escaped with Minerva. “Tell me, professor, how are my sons doing?”

“Sirius excels, despite all proof to the contrary,” Minerva smirked. “Regulus is well. He will get his OWL in transfigurations, but I think that I see him working more with Professor Kettleburn. He is often to be spotted chasing after some fluffy creature and getting lost in Hagrid’s pumpkin patch.”

“Are we sure that Hagrid doesn’t use magic on those pumpkins?” Orion asked. “They are unnaturally large.”

“Between the two of us, he probably does,” Minerva shrugged. “But I find that I do not care. What I do care about, is what you have gotten yourself into now, Orion Black.”

Orion flinched at his former Head Girl’s sharp tone - the same one she had used when she found him in the broom closet with Tom and Avery. She had given the younger boys the equivalent of a verbal spanking before releasing them, berating them for having their manhood out where she had to see it, the nerve, it was so awful that she needed a mind healer. 

“I’m waiting.”

Orion cleared his throat. “I have decided,” he enunciated clearly, “to help Tom Gaunt, Lord Slytherin, continue his family line. With my body.”

Minerva looked surprised. “Have you finally decided to share the burden that so many women do, and make space in your body for a child?”

“How exactly does it happen?”

“Your organs will rearrange once you take the potion,” Minerva shrugged. “But I am not an authority. I can put you into contact with the matron, Madam Pomfrey. She would know more. In fact, her speciality was obstetrics before she took a job here. But I am more curious that somehow, Tom Riddle- pardon, Tom Gaunt has decided to finally procreate.”

Orion groaned. “Walburga is hoping for a little girl.”

Minerva looked curiously at Orion. “Your political stance has been more liberal as of late, and Regulus’ engagement to James Potter has placed you quite firmly in the center of the spectrum. That is to say nothing in your choice of wards and vassal. Why then, do you ally yourself with Tom Gaunt now?”

“For the simple reason that a child will keep him busy. Tom Ri- Gaunt, rather, has ever been one that fits the old adage of idle minds and workshops.”

“A heavy burden for a child.”

“I wanted one,” Orion confessed. “I missed having a child at home to love, and I miss when Walburga was happy to be a mother. She was always brighter back then, more open with her heart.”

“And Tom?”

Orion sighed. “Tom has the capacity to be kind, I think. He is certainly capable of feeling. He has his ideas, but I believe that he can listen to reason. Also I intend to mold the baby in my image.” Fortunately, he did not have to justify himself any longer when he spied his sons tumbling towards him. “Come pets, let us get on,” he said, herding his sons, the elder of whom flinched at the endearment because he was a manly man. Before he could turn though, he saw the rest of the troupe round the corner. 

“Hi Mr. Black!” James grinned, as Lily waved. Rab was being levitated by Severus, who looked as though he was debating the merits of dropping him on top of Peter. 

“Why is it,” Orion sighed, “that you people travel in a pack? Are you incapable of even the shortest separation?” When they continued to stare at him like sheep, Orion put his head in his hands. “I feel like Dumbledore’s brother sometimes, herding goats. Honestly! It is just for the long weekend! The boys will be back on Monday!”

James was staring at Regulus as though he was the most perfect pearl ever to be spit out by an oyster. “I… I’ll write to you, Reg,” he promised. 

Regulus looked delighted, lighting up like a series of faerie lights (made of literal faeries). “Oh! That’s so sweet! I’ll miss you James!”

Orion flicked his son’s tiny ear and dragged him off to the apparition point behind the gates. “Honestly,” he grumbled, “lemmings. That’s what you people are. Stickier than a spider’s web. Alright, now hold on,” he barked. “I’m going to side-along you boys.”

With a determined, deliberate twist, they reappeared at Grimmauld Place. “Master returns!” Kreacher cried joyously. “He brings Kreacher’s little elfling with him, oh Kreacher is rewarded!” 

Regulus scooped Kreacher up in a bony hug. “I missed you too, Kreacher,” he smiled. 

Kreacher peered over Regulus’ shoulder at Sirius. “The Heir returns also. Is you being a good and proud pureblood Heir, Master Sirius?” He asked severely.

“Er. Yeah,” Sirius mumbled, determinedly not making eye contact with the single ugliest being in existence. 

At this point, Orion discovered Remus’ presence. “What! How did you get here!”

Remus blinked sedately. “You never told me to leave, sir.”

“That’s because I’d forgotten you were there at all,” Orion groaned. “Why didn’t you just leave?”

“I didn’t want to leave without being dismissed,” Remus pouted. “Supposing you needed me for something? Besides, I brought along Sirius’ astronomy assignment - he’d left it in the common room.”

“Oh,” Orion said. “Good vassal,” he said, patting Remus on the head. “Ah! What excellent choices I make in terms of staffing! You will make an excellent steward once you graduate. Pat my back, sons, for I have acted most wisely!”

Sirius sighed heavily and patted his father’s back. “You know, we did technically just kidnap Remus.”

“I shall write to your mother and inform her of your being here,” Orion said to Remus, who shook his head. 

“She mostly speaks Welsh and Portuguese, sir, her English is pretty broken. My dad’s the one who speaks English as part of his duty in the Welsh wing of the ministry.”

“Remus doesn’t speak English at home,” Sirius explained. “He’s very exotic.”

“What do you mean, you only spoke French til you were six,” Regulus reminded his brother. “Mum had to train you out of it.”

“Oh, J’avais oublié,” Sirius snickered, as Walburga shrieked.

“Oh! Not again!” She wailed. “I thought that I had rid you of the habit!”

“Sike, still English,” Sirius grinned. “Dad, shall I show Remus to his room?”

Kreacher gasped. “Oh! But Kreacher has not cleaned a guest room! Unforgivable, Kreacher will boil his fingers!”

“No you won’t, you ugly little masochist,” Orion growled. “I’m onto you.”

“Remus can kip with me,” Sirius shrugged.

“It’s not the full moon, is it?” Orion asked cautiously. 

“No sir, it was two nights ago,” Remus said quietly. “The effects of the wolf are...lessened.”

“Strange,” Orion mused. “They say that the weakness of the transformation persists for up to a week.”

“I am trying something new,” Remus divulged. “A new formulation, Severus is using me as a test subject. He wants to be published before he graduates.”

“Remus,” Sirius said sharply, “you shouldn’t allow people to use you!”

“I agreed to it,” Remus replied softly. “Severus is helping me, and perhaps all werewolves with his work. He is helping me keep my mind for the most part, and alleviating some of the pain. All he demands in return is some hair follicles and some blood every fortnight, and in return, I wake up from the moon with one less gash on my body.”

“Oh dear,” Regulus wept, his soft heart breaking at Remus’ description of the transformation. “What a horrid existence!”

Remus patted Regulus’ shoulder. “There, there. There is an upside to being a werewolf, you know.”

Regulus sniffled. “W- what?”

“I am obscenely strong,” Remus beamed. “Also very warm. This means that I can kill a man and still be a good snuggle partner.”

“Oh no,” Orion muttered, and ushered Remus upstairs to write to his - no doubt furious - Welsh/Brazilian parental unit, while Sirius cheered Regulus up with tales of some of his misdeeds.

When they had gotten up far enough, Orion stopped. “It’s just as well you are here, I suppose,” he informed Remus. “If you are to be my family steward, then you should be kept abreast of large events like this.” He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. “There is to be a family gathering tonight. You will be in attendance, and will keep Sirius in control when some...delicate announcements are made.”

Remus nodded. “I’ll do that, sir.”

Orion gave Remus an appraising once-over. “If you are to start your duties early, then you should look the part. If I ever see you in a cardigan again, I will have a conniption.”

Remus blushed and muttered something about knitting them with his best yarn. Orion goggled at him. “Do you mean to tell me that you actually make your own atrocities? Oh, that will not do at all. We have to get you robes.”

“Sir, I can’t-”

“It’s not charity, boy, stop blushing at me,” Orion glared. “The bearing of the family steward reflects upon the family he serves, and no one in history has ever worn a cardigan in the Black family! No, you will be prepared to shop! Regulus will come with us, he likes to do such errands, like a girl.”

Remus smiled. “If you say so, Mr. Black.”

“I do say so,” Orion sniffed. He liked Remus - if only for the fact that the boy had the good sense to listen to him. No one else ever listened to him, not even when he paid them to. “Now go and change into something less offensive. Kreacher will set you up.”

At the mention of his name, Kreacher appeared, with his par-boiled fingers. “Master summoned Kreacher.” 

“Clothe this obscenely long boy,” Orion ordered. “And if I see a cardigan, or any trace of knitwear…”

“Kreacher will twist his toes!”

“For the love of the muggle god,” Orion muttered, and escaped downstairs to his wife, who was practically giddy with glee, preparing for the dinner that would doom Orion. Meanwhile, Regulus and Sirius were with Cygnus, and reassuring his conscience. 

“You can’t be blamed for Bella, Uncle Cyggie,” Sirius reassured his upset uncle. “It’s one thing to speak unpleasantly, and plenty of people in our family are guilty of that, but no one has tried to attack innocents.”

“In recent memory,” Cygnus said bitterly. “Remember the tale of your great-great-aunt Euripides?”

“Ew, Uncle Cyggie,” Regulus whinged. “That’s awful! Can we hear about a story with less cannibalism?”

Cygnus chortled and placed a firm kiss to Regulus’ little head. “Oh pet,” he said sadly, “how lucky we all are that you survived that awful day. I would never have been able to live with myself otherwise.”

“How is Aunt Dru?” Regulus asked. 

“She is grieving, as is her right,” Cygnus sighed. “She has lost two daughters, though. It is hard.”

“That is the single most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” Sirius scoffed angrily. “When I’m Lord Black, I’m bringing Andromeda and her loud little sprog back home.”

Cygnus looked shocked. “Y- you would do that?” He asked softly. 

Sirius looked affronted. “Of course! Uncle Cyggie, you of all people must see that- eck!” Sirius’ next words were cut off when his uncle lifted him from the ground in a tight hug. “Owie, ribs, bruising!”

Cygnus laughed. “Terribly sorry, pudding. But you've made an old man happy.”

“You’re younger than dad, Uncle,” Sirius grumbled, “and we live for a hundred and fifty years. You’re practically a juvenile.”

“Ah! Just the thought of seeing my grandchild has me choked up!” Cygnus sniffled, dabbing at his teary eyes with a lacy hanky.

“At least you have a grandchild,” Orion grumbled. “I, on the other hand, am still of childbearing- well, that is to say,” he cut himself off quickly, “there are no grandchildren in my immediate future.”

“To be fair, old thing, I knocked up Druella when I was fifteen. You yelled like the dickens at me, as I recall.”

“Because poor old Dru gave birth during her Astronomy NEWT,” Orion reminded him, and looked sympathetically at Druella, who had just walked in, and shuddered. 

“You actually caught the baby as she came into the world,” Druella recalled. “You had to touch my most delicate lady parts.”

“I was horrified,” Orion said emotionally. “As if that was not enough, I thought that there was something wrong with baby Andromeda, she was so ugly and squishy. Surely, I thought, she has inherited every mutation in our family tree, so ugly was she.”

“That’s what every baby looks like,” Druella sniffed. “How dare you imply that I am capable of birthing an ugly babe.”

“When you had Narcissa, I thought that you had birthed a lemon.”

Druella threw a teacup at her brother-in-law and Orion quickly escaped, cackling. Sirius looked fondly after his father, his attention only diverted when he saw Remus emerge from the upper landing. “Remus, you look stunning,” he commented. 

“Liar. I look normal,” Remus smiled. “Still, I have to admit, Kreacher found just the right robes for me. He’s just a little marvel, isn’t he?”

Regulus smiled at the collagen-disaster at Remus’ knee. “He is a marvel.”

Kreacher beamed, gracing everyone with all of his forty-five teeth, each more hideous than the other. Sirius averted his gaze and hurriedly walked Remus up to his room and pushed him onto the bed, putting his cold feet on his long-suffering friend. “So, what is my dad up to?”

“Well,” Remus said, “there’s to be a big family dinner, and your dad is going to make a ‘delicate announcement’, or so he said. I’m here to corral your reaction, which your dad predicts will be bombastic.”

“Will not,” Sirius said with a contrariness born out of long habit. He looked at the clock. “Well, we have an hour left till dinner, I’m going to get ready. Here, which robes should I wear?” 

“The formal ones,” Remus hummed, and plucked a suave purple set out. 

“Oh thanks, old chap-”

“These are for Reg. He’s partial to purple.”

“Boo, robe thief,” Sirius called, just as Regulus waltzed into the room, making grabby hands for the robes. 

“Ooh, you remembered! Thanks ever so, Rem,” Regulus grinned, and promptly shimmed into his borrowed (stolen) robes. “I fit! I must have grown!”

“Sideways,” Sirius said cruelly, for which Regulus pinched his inner thigh hard. “Owie.” Sirius vacillated between a set of lurid tangerine and butter yellow robes for a bit, but was eventually forced into a more decent set of lush red robes. 

As the clock struck six ‘o clock, Sirius heard the main door open and admit their guests. The boys piled onto the landing and peered over. “Urgh, Grandpa is here,” Sirius observed, “and he’s brought grandmama! What a shame! Oh, look, James’ parents are here too, pity that James isn’t here-”

“He might have been, if he’d completed his divination homework,” Remus said wisely.

“-and who’s that bloke? Oh no, no that’s not-” Sirius gawked as Thomas Gaunt, Lord Slytherin, swept through the doors, and gave his mother a firm hug, before kissing Orion’s already flushed cheek. “Remus! The dark lord chap is kissing my dad!”

Remus frowned. “Hm. Let’s go down.”

While Regulus gravitated towards his fiance’s parents, who were all too glad to see him again, Sirius and Remus made a beeline for Orion. 

“-kissing me in public, Tom, honestly, and did you have to wear such a plunging neckline, it is indecent-” Orion was cut off as Tom angled himself just so, so that the light of the candles highlighted his sharp collarbones. “Oh no, stop that this minute, I am on to you-”

“No, no, go on,” Walburga, mistress of chaos, encouraged him. 

“Why Orion,” Tom purred, “with your resistance, one would think that you were not about to- argh,” he tailed off, as Remus came swinging in.

“Oh, good evening sir,” Remus said innocently, even as his hip grazed Tom’s. 

“I see that the tactical offensive has arrived,” Tom said bitterly, eyeing Remus. 

Orion sighed. “Lupin, it is quite alright. In fact, you ought to formally be introduced. Tom, this is Remus Lupin, of House Lupin. He is to be the future steward of House Black.”

“Charmed,” Tom lied, stepping out of samba range. 

“Lupin, this is Thomas Gaunt, Head of the Ancient House of Gaunt, and Lord Slytherin, of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Slytherin.”

“Very pleased to meet you, Lord Slytherin,” Remus said politely, smiling with his fangs. 

Tom frowned. “Orion, I did not know that you had become a social liberal, employing werewolves.”

“I haven’t,” Orion muttered. “But the opportunity was too good to pass up. He is good at blending into things and is generally mild until called upon to fight.”

“Or dance,” Sirius interjected. “Good evening, Lord Slytherin. Why do you perv on my noble father?”

“Child, if you knew half the things that your noble father and I-”

“ARGH,” Orion yelled suddenly, courtesy of Remus stomping and absolutely obliterating his foot. 

“Orion!” Walburga cried, “What is it, dear?”

“Nothing, I...stubbed my toe,” Orion grumbled, looking angrily at Remus, who upon successfully staging a distraction, had taken to resembling a lampshade. 

Meanwhile, Sirius was still glaring at Tom, who looked more amused than he had any right to. “Oh honestly- here,” Orion says, draping a scarf around a surprised Tom's neck, “don't have your collarbones out during dinner, egads.”

“The style is all the rage now, Orion.”

“I refuse to countenance it. I already have a Brazilian wolf child in my house, I will not have any more raunchiness.”

“I went to Carnivál,” Remus said, to reinforce how Brazilian he was. “I have pictures.”

“Ooh, can I see?” Regulus asked, bounding forward. Remus smiled and pulled out his purse, opening up to the picture of himself and his cousins dancing with some very hot ladies. “Eep!”

Orion gaped, at a loss for words. Even in a muggle picture, Remus managed to convey his inner lothario. “E- egads,” he said faintly. “I must sit.”

“We might as well adjourn to the dining room,” Arcturus called domineeringly. “Oh, buck up, Orion, they're just done tits, boy!”

“Papa! Don't be vulgar!” Orion quailed, as Tom gloried in the chaos. 

Eventually, the group settled in the dining room, Tom settling next to Orion while Sirius glared daggers at the man. Regulus sat on Tom’s other side, looking very much like a blackberry given life. “Hello Lord Slyherin,” he greeted the man. Tom looked over, surprised. 

“Er. Hello.”

“Sirius told me to keep an eye on you though I’m not sure as to why.”

“Did he, now.”

“Yes, he seems to think you to be capable of great evil.”

Further down the table, Sirius groaned at his brother’s plum-faced stupidity. Tom flicked a glance to a mortified Sirius, before smiling winningly. “I am as pure as fresh snow, I assure you.”

“Well, I think that it is better to be upfront about these things,” Regulus said, picking up his fork to dig into his appetizer. “That way, any plotting can proceed with full disclosure.”

“You’re an odd little Slytherin, aren’t you,” Tom mused.

“The Hat suggested Hufflepuff, I haven’t the faintest idea why,” Regulus chirped. Orion sighed heavily and continued to dig through his salad morosely, thinking of his stupid, lovely, son. Tom, on the other hand, looked delighted with his little conversational partner. 

“The Hat wanted to put me into Gryffindor before it changed its mind,” he divulged. “Red does not suit me at all.”

Defeated, Sirius looked balefully at Remus. “Got any earth-shattering secrets, Rem? We’re sharing today.”

“I have a sister,” Remus said mildly, to Sirius’ abject shock.

“What!”

Remus pulled out his purse once more, and flicked to a picture of a very hot woman. “Matilde. She’s married and lives in Sao Paolo. I have nephews, see,” he said, showing more photos of chubby, tanned babies that looked otherwise very much like himself. “I am the godfather of this one here, Javier.”

Sirius goggled. “Remus old thing, you’re a man of mystery.”

“You never asked,” Remus smiled, as the ladies cooed at the picture of the babies, even as they waved up from the picture.

“Your sister,” Walburga barked, “she is magical?”

“Oh yes, ma’am,” Remus said. “My mother’s actually a squib. Funny how she ended up with a weather witch and a werewolf for children.”

With Remus’ family life now the talk amongst the ladies, Tom turned to Orion. “Sweet babies, eh?” He muttered lowly. 

“Hm.”

“Ours could look like that.”

Orion looked thoroughly confused. “Not with our colorations. No one in my family has ever had a tan. And unless you have slathered yourself in cornstarch, neither have yours.”

“Salazar Slytherin was Iberian.”

“Salazar Slytherin lived in the year 1001. Genetics dictates that the Iberian genes have been rather diluted by now.”

“So you don’t think our babies will be cute?”

“You do realize,” Orion said slowly, “that our child will look like me? Black family genetics are very dominant. Case in point,” he said, pointing to Sirius and Regulus, who were younger versions of Orion himself.

“Handsome, then,” Tom said, and smiled smugly as Orion blushed. 

“Would you like to share with us what exactly is being said, Orion?” Arcturus snapped. “It is highly improper to blush thusly at the dinner table.”  

Orion sighed heavily and stood. “Well, I may as well just say it,” he said, surprising everyone. “Could I please have your attention? This dinner party tonight is to announce-”

“-and celebrate,” Tom snickered.

“-the joining of the House of Black to the Houses of Gaunt and Slytherin.”

After a second of shocked silence, Sirius screamed. “Dad! Y- you’re marrying me off! To this man!”

“No, don’t be ridiculous,” Orion sighed again, as Remus lunged and caught a faint Sirius. “I wouldn’t ask that of you. No, we - that is, Lord Slytherin and I - are invoking the tradition of masculum matrem suam. I have agreed to help Lord Slytherin continue his family line by carrying an heir for him.”

Orion’s mother gasped and looked at Walburga. “Did you consent to this, my dear?”

“Consent? I encouraged it,” Walburga said. “This child will be of Black and Slytherin blood and values! Nothing can be more noble than helping our friend and fellow Lord in his honorable request of bearing a child!”

“I am grateful,” Tom said, practically exuding happiness. “What more could I ask for, that my journey of parenthood be guided by the two most generous and noble of friends?”

Regulus made a chirping noise. “Papa! So you are making me an elder brother!”

“Yes, bug, that’s right,” Orion said, watching Regulus’ face light up.

“Oh! I am so happy that I can be what Sirius was to me! Isn’t it wonderful that I can share all of my love, and experience, and wisdom!”

“You have no wisdom whatsoever,” Sirius snapped. “Your wisdom is in the negative digits!”

“Ah! To think that I will also have a baby sibling to engage in such light banter!” Regulus crowed obliviously.

Tom looked at Orion. “That one isn’t too bright, is he?”

“He is, actually,” Orion grumbled. “He’s just being happy.”

“You are to be gravid with child in your advanced age! I cannot believe my ears!” Sirius cried. 

“They are rather small,” Tom observed, scrutinizing Sirius’ inbred ears.

“Excuse you, son, I am forty-five years of age, not a decrepit hag bound for the grave,” Orion gaped. “In terms of our lifespan, I am not even middle aged!”

Before Sirius could say anything more, Arcturus stood up, silencing everyone. He stared at his son with an inscrutable expression, before finally lifting his glass. “To the new babe,” he rumbled, his tone brooking no room for argument. “The Child to unite us all.”

“Hear hear!” The guests cried happily, as Sirius fainted into Remus’ waiting arms. 

Arcturus’ lips quirked upwards in a smile. “To grandfatherhood, once more, I suppose. Orion.”

“Yes, father?” Orion sighed heavily.

“Have you prepared your body?”

“Papa!” Orion cried, as Regulus covered his ears in horror. “Not in front of everyone!”

“For the fertility potion, boy, the potion!” Arcturus barked. 

“Oh. Kreacher is preparing the first dose,” Orion mumbled, blushing. Tom looked intrigued at the idea of Orion preparing his body, and went into his evil dreamscape for a little bit, just as a treat. His mind satisfied, Tom refocused on the conversation. 

“...and you will be living with us, of course, Lord Slytherin,” Arcturus was saying pointedly. 

“Er,” Tom said, suddenly hesitant. “Is that wise? I mean, the children might see it as moving too fast.”

“The children are going back to school in two days,” Walburga reminded him. “Their anguish will be short lived, if anything. But you are not desolate, are you, snugglebean?” Walburga asked Regulus.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” Regulus said. “After all, daddy will need support in his delicate condition.”

“You are so clever and caring, son,” Orion remarked sincerely, before glaring at his eldest. “Sirius? What say you?”

Sirius roused himself from the fugue of horror that had eclipsed his mind. “I… I…”

“He is overwhelmed at the thought of being an older brother once more,” Regulus piped up, “as am I!”

Tom immediately decided that he had a favourite child. Ah! If only his foster siblings at the orphanage were so loving, he might have been a less bitter man.

He might have been a Hufflepuff. 

No, that was not true, Tom thought to himself. There was no universe where that was a likely outcome. “I like this one, Orion,” Tom announced, pointing at Regulus. “I think that this one will be my not so discreet favourite.”

“Wonderful. Then I shall have the baby, and Walburga can have Sirius.”

Sirius proceeded to choke on his disbelief to the point that the carbon dioxide levels in his blood reached critical concentrations. “Breathe, or I will give you oral resuscitation,” Remus threatened him. Sirius promptly drew breath, and glared at all and sundry. 

Dinner continued after that, with Regulus as Tom’s new favourite son, Sirius seething quietly so as not to be indecorous, and Remus showing off his Portuguese and making the ladies swoon. After it was over, Orion led them into the sitting room. “Tom, shall I send Kreacher for your bags?”

Tom looked surprised. “What, right now?” He looked distinctly discomfited as Kreacher dragged himself over to stand next to him. 

“Why not?” Walburga asked. “Kreacher, for all his masochistic tendencies, is a good worker.” Kreacher beamed at this rare praise, puffing his bony chest out. 

“Tom doesn’t like house elves,” Orion explained. “He keeps house by himself.”

There was a great outcry at this, and several ladies fainted, resulting in Remus sexily running around and catching them, before administering smelling salts like a Victorian hero. Sirius had the dubious honour of catching his mother, being closer to her than he had in ten years. It was truly bile-inducing. 

“You clean? And cook?” Druella shrilled. “With your own two hands?”

Tom looked flustered. “Well. Yes. I am not a terrible cook, I can manage.”

The ladies murmured amongst themselves. Ah, but what trials the Lord Slytherin had gone to, only to rise to power under his own merit, his magical powers saving him from a life of drudgery! What a romantic tale!

“The boys can help you pack up tomorrow,” Orion said decisively. “They may as well get used to you. Do you have anything of particular value?”

“My snake,” Tom said casually. “Her name is Nagini.”

Sirius’ eyes bugged out of his skull. “Snake! Oh no! It will eat Regulus and I shall be alone, bereft of company in this cruel world!”

Tom stared balefully at him. “She is tame, and a nag. I can tell her to not eat anyone, I am a parselmouth, remember?”

“Does she have offspring?” Regulus asked daftly, thinking of tiny, wriggly snake babies.

“No, she rather fancies herself as my matriarch, and likes to tell me that I ought to mate soon, lest my eggs go to waste.” Tom paused. “She’s not very smart. If I tell her that you are my hatchling, she might believe it and leave me alone.”

Regulus giggled. “I’d be glad to help you and meet your mum, Lord Slytherin,” he said, even as Tom winced at the insinuation that Nagini was his mother. 

“I’d be glad to have you,” Tom muttered, “though we must figure out something for you - and your brother- to call me. ‘Lord Slytherin’ will get old very fast.”

“Once we announce our new triad relationship, you can decide on a title,” Orion said. “For now, it is decided that Sirius and Regulus will help you move tomorrow.”

“What about Remus?” Sirius asked desperately. “He is obscenely strong.”

“Lupin is going to spend the day with Cygnus tomorrow, learning about our estate management and our investments. As our vassal and future steward in just another year, he should be prepared. You,” Orion said pointedly, “are going to bond with Tom.”

And that, apparently, was that.

***

“Wow, you have a lot of junk.”

Tom glared at Sirius as the boy took in Tom’s house. “They are powerful and ancient relics of times of great significance.”

“Yeah, but do you really need a,” Sirius paused to examine the object, “golden back scrubber?”

“That,” Tom gritted out, “was used by Merlin, to polish his staff.”

“Heh. I bet it was.”

“Horrid, evil child,” Tom exclaimed. “Just...help me pack.”

Sirius looked around. “Where’s Regulus?”

Regulus chose this moment to come down the stairs with Nagini draped across his shoulders like an ugly scarf. “Thomassss,” Nagini hissed, “this hatchling was wandering around the house! Is it yourssss, oh, say that it is ssssso!”

Tom lifted Nagini off of Regulus with a heavy sigh. “In a manner of ssspeaking,” he hissed to her. 

“What a blessed day this isss, that my disfigured snakelet has produced his own offspring!” Nagini hissed happily, bobbing her majestic head to and fro. Tom sighed heavily, tired of explaining that he was not a tremendously disfigured snake, he was a human, why are you so stupid Nagini, good lord.

“Er, Lord Slytherin,” Sirius piped up, surrounded by mounds of Tom’s junk, “What do you want us to do with all your stuff?”

Tom looked around at all the powerful treasures that he had amassed over the years. “Here,” Tom sighed, and waved his wand, sorting things immediately. Sirius watched as the items sorted themselves out, and stared balefully at Tom. “Well. What now, then? Can I go home?”

“No,” Tom groaned, watching Regulus give Nagini a belly rub. “Your father’s ploy was for us to have bonding time, so we shall honour his wish.”

“I don’t see our hobbies coinciding,” Sirius pointed out. “For example, I like to play quidditch, and you like to incite anti-muggleborn sentiment.”

“No, I like to espouse traditional values, you horrid child,” Tom glared. “It is not my fault that your awful cousin took that to mean “kill all muggleborns”.”

“Bella was very crazy,” Regulus agreed, “but you were also unguarded with your words.”

“What do you want me to do?” Tom cried, throwing up his hands, “Apologize to every single muggleborn?” Tom sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly. “All I want,” Tom said heavily, “is for Wizarding tradition and history to be maintained in the face of increased muggleborn populations. It is important, why can no one see that?”

“Sure, you can do that,” Sirius said hotly. “Maybe instead of inciting hate in already crazy idiots, you could do something worthwhile, like, I don’t know,” he said, throwing up his hands, “kill Binns!”

Tom’s ears perked up at the word ‘kill’. “Who?”

“Ooh!” Regulus trilled, picking up on the idea. “Professor Binns! He’s super useless, if you actually had a proper Wizarding history teacher, it would go a long way in actually teaching us about our history!”

“Kill Binns, kill Binns,” Sirius and Regulus chanted, joined by a hive mind of brotherhood. “Kill, kill, kill!”

For his part, Tom was actually considering the idea. “I… I could do that,” he said slowly. “I could arrange for him to be exorcised. I could arrange it with the Board of Governors. Install a new curriculum-”

“With no bigotry,” Sirius reminded him helpfully. 

“-that would cover the illustrious history of wizarding enclaves all around the world!” Tom cried happily, the absolute swot. “Rediscover the history of the founders, and my great ancestor-”

“He was kind of a bitch,” Sirius muttered to Regulus, who nodded in agreement. The portrait of Slytherin in the common room spent most of its subject’s waking hours yelling at the girls to cover their disgraceful ankles. 

“-and have a revival of Wizarding culture!”

“Why isn’t it Witching culture, I wonder,” Regulus mused aloud. 

“The patriarchy,” Sirius said wisely, “imposes itself upon many things and more often than not, mucks it up. Always be your own man, Reggie, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man!”

“Yeah!” Regulus squealed happily, while Nagini nodded along to Sirius’ wisdom. 

Tom looked delighted. He had bonded with Orion’s sons, Nagini hadn’t eaten Regulus, and he had a watertight plan to accomplish his agenda! And of course, he would live long enough to see it happen, but no one else was to know about that. The Gaunt ring on Tom’s hand buzzed traitorously, vibrating along with its Master’s happiness. 

Perhaps this stepfather gig wasn’t so hard after all.

***

“You’re back,” Orion noted, looking up at the trio from his newspaper. “How was it?”

“Swell,” Sirius said, dropping his coat on top of Kreacher, who was immediately crushed on account of his advanced arthritis in all of his joints. “Your new husband is capable of rational thought, dad, kudos.”

“High praise from the boy who blew up a toilet in his first year,” Orion scolded. “If you are looking for Lupin, then Cygnus has him in the study, they are talking about the accounts- oh do stop with the melodrama,” Orion flicked Sirius’ face, who had gone limp and was verging on comatose at the subject matter. “But I take it that you all found some common ground?”

Tom looked practically angelic as he settled across from Orion, and snagged a passing Regulus to serve as a cushion. “We made Plans,” he said happily. 

Immediately, Orion was concerned. “What plans?”

“We - that is to say, I - am going to re-murder Cuthbert Binns and revolutionize the teaching of Wizarding history,” Tom replied dreamily. 

“Jolly good,” Walburga said, oozing in with the tea things. “A dashed good job, I say. What inspired you?”

Tom gestured to Sirius, who was dipping his biscuit into his irate father’s tea. “Don’t dip the biscuit, are you a complete plebeian, the biscuit is meant for separate consumption-”

“Orion!” Walburga cried happily. “Sirius has plotted his first murder!”

“-I don’t care if it makes the biscuit ooey-gooey- what?”

“Sirius,” Tom smiled, “gave me the idea to push for Cuthbert Binns to be exorcised, and to push for reform for the Wizarding History syllabus.”

“Oh darling!” Walburga cried, and reached over to grab Sirius in a strangling hug. “I knew that you could do it!”

“Oh muggle god,” Sirius squeaked unhappily at the feeling of his mother’s squishiness being pressed against him. “Ma, let go!”

“Orion, your son is living up to the family tradition!” Walburga wept. “Oh, I am so proud! And it’s due to Tom’s machinations, oh I knew that you were a good match for us, Tom!”

Tom smiled. “Always glad to be of assistance, Burg.”

Orion smiled. “I am glad that something good came of this day. Sirius, Regulus, go and get Lupin, I ought to get you back to school. We will floo into the village and walk from there. Dress warmly.”

“Noo, my cushion,” Tom whinged, as Regulus got up and flounced away. “What, o what shall I do when I need to rest my body against a soft- ah,” Tom said, reclining against Walburga, who tittered prettily. 

“Better you than me,” Orion said happily. 

Tom eyed his beloved like an eagle surveying a particularly juicy mouse. “Oh, I plan to lean on you too, Orion,” he purred. “Or rather, over you, under the light of the moon.”

“Eep,” Orion meeped, as Walburga blushed happily. Ah, but she must remember to ready her pensieve in preparation for the night! Orion was spared further harassment from his awful spousal unit when Remus shimmered in, dragging Sirius and a bouncy Regulus behind him. 

“Thank you for having me over the weekend, Lord Black,” Remus said politely. “I learned all about the estate from Mr. Cygnus, and he’s given me more reading to do about the accounts,” he said, his eyes gleaming with barely repressed desire. 

“Good,” Orion grunted, getting to his feet. “Get your cloaks then boys, we are heading back to the school. Say goodbye to mother.”

Sirius endured another proud hug from his mother, and doing his duty sacrificed Regulus. He ran back to Orion, who pursed his lips. “Say goodbye to Tom as well.”

“Er, bye,” Sirius said. “It was...good plotting with you.”

Tom got to his feet and held out his hand. “And with you, Sirius.” Hesitantly, Sirius took Tom’s hand and gave it a manly shake, and was surprised at the callouses and roughness of the other man’s skin. This was no aristocrat’s hand, surely.

Tom let go and turned to Regulus, who was awaiting his turn. “Goodbye, new favourite son.”

“Bye!” Regulus chirped, and waddled closer.

“He wants a hug,” Orion nudged Tom, who looked surprised. “Oh,” Tom said, and put his arms around the younger lad. He hadn’t properly hugged someone like this since little Jeremy Hitchins fell down the hill and busted his knee at the orphanage, and wouldn’t stop crying, and Tom was the oldest one in the house and was therefore the designated hug-giver. “Be good, I suppose. No hanky panky with your fiance, you have to make them work for it, you know.”

“Daddy said the same thing,” Regulus nodded. 

“He is right. That being said, there’s nothing wrong with giving them a little...something. Just to keep him interested, you know?” Tom advised. “You are of age in less than two years, you should know some strategies.”

“Shall I write to you, then?” Regulus asked. 

“Oh, do, I shall be glad to impart my wooing wisdom,” Tom smiled, and looked at Sirius. “And I shall write to you as well, young Sirius.”

“Er. What about?” Sirius asked cautiously.

“Why, the best time to rid ourselves of the ghost, of course,” Tom smiled toothily. “We must put our plans into action at the soonest.”

“O woe is me, Regulus gets wholesome dadly advice, and I am made an accessory to murder,” Sirius bemoaned his fate. 

“It’s not murder if the victim is already dead,” Remus hummed. “Oh dear, I’ve been spending too much time with Mr. Cygnus, I think.”

Orion snorted mirthfully. “We’d best be off.” Orion pecked his wife’s cheek out of habit, and then realized the trap he had dug himself into as Tom closed the distance between them, and suddenly Orion was enveloped by his warmth and desire and Tom-

“Oh I say,” Orion said weakly, steadying himself against the boys, “I was just going to Hogsmeade. You don’t have to do that every time I step out of the house.”

Tom beamed unrepentantly. “Stop me, then.” Walburga glared at Orion as if to say don’t you dare stop him, I have so little by way of enjoyment, I want to see some smut. 

“Gross,” Sirius declared, and walked out, dragging Regulus, who still had his eyes covered by Remus’ hands. 

Orion waddled out quickly behind them, glaring at the three and daring them to say a word. They, wisely, did not. 

Until they did.

“So, pops-”

“Egads, never call me that again-”

“-when can we plan on there being another baby Black?”

“-we are not American, good lord- what!”

“When are you gonna-” Sirius signed a pregnant belly, then the birth, and cradled an imaginary baby in his hands.

“Don’t be crass,” Orion sniffed. “The birth will be in nine months, so around July.”

“Ew,” Sirius said happily. “Still, it’ll be nice, I suppose. I get to have another baby brother when Regulus leaves and gets married to live with the  Potters.”

“They live in Wiltshire, not Zimbabwe,” Regulus rolled his eyes. “Also, we can apparate. I can’t imagine James going a week without seeing you.”

“He loves me,” Sirius grinned, and then quickly sobered. “Ah! Now if only my insidious Severus would love me, my life would be complete!”

Orion rolled his eyes. “Honestly, I admire the boy’s refusal to slaver over you. It is  a good indication that he will not be swayed by titles or wealth.” Orion eyed his son critically. “If you are so bent on wooing the boy, then why don’t you make an effort for Christmas?”

Sirius brightened. “Lily did say that I ought to make a meaningful gesture,” he mused. “Should I propose?”

“Do you yearn for death?”

“Point. Remus,” Sirius winged, hooking his chin over Remus’ bony shoulder, “give me love advice.”

“I am going to meet Lily’s family over the Christmas break,” Remus said mildly. “I will take them flowers and cachaca. I also make sure to give Lily regular, small affirmations of my love, such as flowers, a muffin, or some cat food I remembered to pick up for her ugly but delicious pet.”

“Small gestures, huh,” Sirius mused. “I could do that. Reg, you spend a lot of time with Severus, what does he like apart from books and potions?”

“He goes through a lot of hand cream because of his brewing abrasive potions,” Regulus recalled. “He’s also always sneaking into the forest to get potions ingredients.”

Sirius began to scheme. Soon, he would have his buttery darling betwixt his arms. Chuckling to himself, he started to plot. Reggie and James had found happiness, Peter had Marlene now, and Remus had installed his lightly broiled self into Lily’s life. Hell, even Rab had Barty.

“Sirius,” Orion said quietly, stopping their group just at the base of the hill leading up to the school. “A word.”

Sensing the tension in his father’s tone, Sirius stiffened. “Dad?” He asked quietly, startled to see his father looking emotional and pensive. “What’s wrong?”

“I…” Orion looked away before regaining himself. “There is much that will change in the coming year. I want you to know that no matter what, I will always stand for our House. With you. Know that no matter what, I have always acted in those interests.”

“Oh god, dad,” Sirius smiled, “just say that you love us.”

Orion cleared his throat. “I do. Never doubt that. And whatever changes you may expect from…”

“Your hot new husband?”

Orion laughed shortly. “What I have with Tom was born of circumstance, trying to keep our world stable, and, well,” Orion blushed, “his ardour for me. I admit, I underestimated the strength of his passions, and his desire to have me. That he would agree to compromising his stance for me, to join in a union with our family - especially seeing as how our stance has changed - is not something I would have foreseen.”

“He was super hot for you,” Sirius summarized. “So you used that to negotiate for peace. Dad,” he said softly, “you’re amazing.”

“Oh daddy!” Regulus cried. “You have sacrificed your tushy for peace!”

Orion flinched. “Please don’t say that,” he grumbled. “It’s not as though I am completely averse to Tom. We were a couple when we were young. He’s just...extremely amorous. I am also glad that he has taken to you boys, though I anticipated that he would butt heads with you more, Sirius.”

“He’s very driven about stuff,” Sirius said. “I don’t like him just yet - I think that he’s too down to murder, but he’s good to you and he likes Reg a lot.Everyone likes Reg,” Sirius said, “it’s his great power - to resemble a par-broiled marshmallow.”

Orion smiled, blinking back tears. “I will miss you boys. Come, give me a hug before I take you back to the school.” Orion felt a great peace descend over him as his sons hugged him, those three pairs of arms encircling him-

Wait. 

Three pairs of arms?

Orion drew back and glared at Remus, who was standing beside him like a bookshelf. “Why,” Orion asked, his voice pained. 

“I was drawn in by the intense emotion sir, forgive me,” Remus demurred. “You remind me of my father, with less hair and more English.”

Regulus burst into little giggles as Orion continued to glare at his steward-to-be. “Honestly. Sometimes, the only reason I keep you around is because you freak Tom out to high heaven. I have never known another capable of the subterfuge and camouflage that you are capable of.”

Remus smiled at the inadvertent praise and led the troupe up to the castle, where Dumbledore waddled out to collect the boys. “Headmaster,” Orion greeted the smiling man, “I apologize for having to call you out.”

“Oh, I was out already,” Dumbledore said, “collecting mushrooms for a little brew I am experimenting with. I trade for them with the centaurs,” he said, unveiling the small basket he was carrying. “Behold!”

Orion’s blood pressure spiked as he looked at the innocuous mushrooms in the basket. He was a worldly man, he had been to Amsterdam. Beside him, the boys started to chuckle, clearly having been exposed to such nonsense. “Upstairs, now!” Orion barked at the boys, who squiggled off, before glaring at Dumbledore. “Honestly, this explains so much about you.”

“I do not know what you mean,” Dumbledore said. “I am a wholesome, innocent, old man!”

Orion grumbled his way back to the village and back home, where he was met by Tom and Walburga warming their toes by the fire. “I have found Dumbleodre in the possession of drugs!” 

“What,” Tom asked, looking up lazily, “like cocaine?”

“No! Those...mushrooms!”

“Oh, shrooms,” Tom said, relaxing back into Walburga’s squishy, warm, chest. “That’s alright. I thought that you meant hard drugs.”

“Don’t tell me that you’ve taken those… those...mushrooms!” Orion burst out.

“‘Of course I have, how do you think I passed my divination NEWT?”

Orion squealed angrily. “You are all terrible people!”

“And yet here you are, ready to be taken roughly in the light of the moon by the same terrible people,” Tom purred, making Orion blush like a rosy apple. The blush only intensified as Tom reached over and walked his fingers up Orion’s shoulder onto his bare neck, sending tingles all over Orion’s skin. “The night will soon-”

“Kreacher brings news.”

Tom fell off of his seat with an indignant squawk as Kreacher ambled in and cast him a look full of faux innocence. Before Kreacher could assign himself a “punishment”, Orion straightened and looked archly at the devious elf, who had no doubt deliberately put the kibosh on Tom’s amorous activities. 

“Yes, Kreacher?”

Kreacher bowed. “Kreacher has prepared the first dose of the fertility potion for Master,” he said, presenting Orion with a goblet filled with a rich, plum coloured liquid. “Master is to be taking it now, and every night leading up to the consummation.”

Tom sprang back up and beamed. “Oh, huzzah,” he said, “my dream will soon become a reality. Chug, chug, chug,” he encouraged Orion, who sipped elegantly at the concoction. 

“Thank you, Kreacher,” Orion grumbled, as Walburga clapped her hands joyously. “When is the full moon again? I must stretch in preparation.”

“Five days, Master,” Kreacher gargled, before bowing out of the room. “Kreacher leaves now, Kreacher must prepare the nursery for his new elfling, he must also fetch the pickles for Master will surely have cravings-”

“Strange thing, that,” Tom remarked, wrinkling his nose. 

“Do tell your snake not to eat him,” Walburga said. “It will make Regulus ever so upset!”

Tom looked at the hearth, where Nagini was following their conversation. “Nagini, you heard the lady,” Tom hissed. “Do not eat the ugly sac of sssskin.”

“Certainly not,” Nagini hissed back, her head bobbing. “Oh Tom! Where has your little hatchling gone! He gave me the most wonderful belly rubsssss! Truly I am blessed to have sssssuch a loving grandchild!”

Tom groaned in frustration and hissed back to Nagini, explaining that she was not anyone’s mother, much less grandmother, that was his stepson. Nagini hissed back emotionally that he was a terrible hatchling to say such awful things to his mother, had he no love or sympathy, blood was not the only thing that made a bond, after all, was he not her most venomous child of her heart?

“Are you really arguing with your pet?” Walburga asked amusedly.

“You try telling her something! She’s convinced that she’s my mother! Honestly, every single snake that I’ve met is more stubborn than the next,” Tom sighed. “But I haven’t the time to argue with moth- er Nagini! I must further my plans!”

“Hm,” Orion said, leaning back into his plush armchair. “And what were those again?”

Tom lit up at the prospect of explaining his evil agenda. “I aim to sway the Wizengamot into voting for an updated curriculum for history of magic, which would have an oversight committee chaired by yours truly! Our goals would be the exorcism of Binns, subsequent hiring of a competent teacher, and revamping the entire curriculum to reflect something more than the thrice damned Golin Wars.”

“Sounds lovely,” Orion said, surprised that he agreed with Tom’s not-quite-so-evil plans. “I’m surprised that you’re going down the legal route.”

“Why not?” Tom said cheerfully. “It will be guaranteed to succeed, with your backing.” Tom made puppy eyes at Orion, which in reality looked more like a diseased penguin. “I do have your backing, do I not, my love?”

Orion squirmed. “Well,” he picked his words carefully, “in This Issue, you do. I support your plans in This Issue. Your ideas and regarding This Issue and the logistics to carry it out are sound.”

Tom smiled knowingly. “Alright, I get it, you approve of my work only on this issue, and not my other stances.”

“Yes, This Issue is best tackled by you.”

“What on earth are you two trying to do,” Walburga demanded hotly. “Are you trying to be discreet? If so, you are both awful failures.” The men subsided then, into their own plotting. 

“Will you appeal to join the Board of Governors for the school, then?” Orion asked Tom, who nodded. 

“Lord Slytherin, remember? I’ve sent an appeal, and it would be obtuse if I weren’t on the board, and I am considered an authority in Dark- that is to say - Defence Against the Dark Arts,” he smiled wryly. “Dumbledore will fight it, I’m sure. He’s always been suspicious of my motives. He wouldn't let me within six feet of a classroom.”

 “He won’t succeed. You’re the Wizengamot’s baby boy. You came from nothing, built yourself up, secret noble ancestry, handsome - stop looking at me like that you lech - there’s nothing that they would refuse you.”

“There was that whole ‘heir of Slytherin’ business back in school,” Walburga said worriedly. “With that girl dying. Now when Tom is discovered as the actual heir, and his being in school at the time of the attacks-”

“I only found my connection to Slytherin after I left school,” Tom shrugged. “And besides, the attacks stopped after they expelled the Hagrid boy and his acromantula. There is nothing to tie the attacks to me. Besides, I can always claim that I am a halfblood - what on earth would I get out of trying to purge the school when I would have been first to go?”

Orion looked uncomfortably at Tom, who he knew to be more than capable of murder. His own father, as an example, and not to mention that Gaunt uncle who died so suddenly. Upon further investigation the aurors had found Tom to be related to both parties, but had been able to link Tom to the crimes, the boy himself having been found at an orphanage in London, changing a baby’s diaper when the aurors went to see him. No one could see the mild mannered, polite boy as a murderer. 

And so Tom Riddle had become Tom Gaunt, Lord Slytherin. It was the perfect rags to riches story, and the Wizengamot had gobbled it up. After all, who would miss a muggle and an admittedly awful, grubby ‘lord’? Better it be Tom, golden child, head boy, nappy changer extraordinaire. 

“Would you consider teaching?” Orion asked Tom. 

“Not now,” Tom said. “At another time, perhaps. But I see more for myself now. Hogwarts used to be my home, and that was what drew me to the job. But now, I have a different home. With you,” Tom said, looking meaningfully at Orion, his intensity highlighted by the firelight hitting his angular face just so. 

Orion felt his stomach turn into jelly. “Oh I say,” he muttered, suddenly feeling warm underneath the collar. Ah, curse his lily-like complexion, that showed his bashful blush at the drop of a hat! To Orion’s horror, Tom slunk closer, like a panther stalking an unknowing deer. He was trapped, trapped between his awful wife, who was pinning him to the sofa, and his awful soon-to-be husband, who was about to devour him in the sitting room-

“Kreacher returns.” 

Tom shrieked and flailed, and Wlaburga toppled over onto Tom, who caught her. They both glared at the sodden sac of collagen defects, who looked innocently up at Orion. “Little Master Cygnus is paying a visit, he is wishing to show you his accounts book.”

“I’ll be right with you,” Orion said, springing up and running away, leaving Tom and Walburga to scheme on their own. They would have their man, sooner rather than later. 

***

Back at Hogwarts, the OWL students were experiencing their first exam panic in the form of mid-term exams. Regulus could now be found more often than not in the Gryffindor common room, stretched atop James and immersed in Remus’ old notes. Soon enough, Barty and Rab had taken to tagging along, going so far as to change the blue and green trim of their robes and ties to red to avoid detection. 

When Ennis McLaggen had tried to complain about the inquisition to McGonagall, Dorcas Meadows, a swarthy young gal and the Gryffindor beater, had socked him in the stomach and threatened to use the bat the next time he tried to stick his nose in other people’s business. 

“But the sanctity of the tradition-!”

“Oh sod the tradition,” Dorcas snorted, “it’s not as though we’ve never been in the Hufflepuff’s rooms.” This was true, the Hufflepuffs had extended a standing invitation to everyone, and the Slytherins had long since taken to kipping in their common room during the chilly winter months. 

Salazar Slytherin had not been very good at insulation charms. Also, Hufflepuffs tended to get lonely, and lonely Hufflepuffs were sad little Hufflepuffs. 

Nobody wanted to deal with a sad Hufflepuff. There was no material in the world absorbent enough for that. 

“James, darling,” Regulus asked, his face inches from James’, “I can’t quite understand Jigger’s Third Law of Poisons,” he breathed sexily.

James; heart suddenly started beating a dubstep, and his own breathing picked up. “It says,” he breathed back, sexier, “that the poison from the lips of the beloved,” James inched forward and whispered, “tastes sweet.”

“Actually, it says that any poison derived from flowering plants can be counteracted with a fungus-based antidote,” Snape said and briskly pulled Regulus off of James’ lap, leaving both boys disconsolate. “Really, what is wrong with the pair of you, are you trying to get pregnant before the Lord Slytherin impregnates your father, honestly.”

Sirius wailed from beside Snape. “Augh! Why do you have to remind me of my parents’ triple marriage to the cad that beats out all cads!”

“I don’t know, I kind of like that he’s voting to,” Rabastan lowered his voice, “kill Professor Binns.”

“If he gets on the Board of Governors, that is,” Lily reminded them, just as the evening newspaper was delivered to her. The owl, tired from it’s journey, flopped onto Remus, who eyed it hungrily. Regulus quickly rescued the owl and started cooing at it and feeding it little Owl Nibbles that he kept in his pocket. “Oh,” Lily said, her tone strained, “Lord Slytherin was just appointed to the Board of Governors.”

Snape leaned over to read, “The appointment of Thomas Gaunt, Lord Slytherin, is a welcome one, as it has been too long since a direct descendant of the Founders sat upon the Board. Lord Slytherin, a parselmouth and a premier authority on Dark Arts, has shared his happiness with the appointment, saying, ‘I am glad to take on this ancient responsibility of my family to ensure that the education system stays current and benefits the children that are our future’.” Snape snorted. “What rot.”

James scrambled over to look over Snape’s shoulder and continued, “When asked about his motivations in applying for the role, Lord Slytherin cited the presence of his favourite child in attendance at the school - one Regulus Arcturus Black, the son of Orion Geminius Black, the current Lord of House Black and Lord Slytherin’s triad husband. Lord Slytherin entered into a triad marriage with the Lord and Lady Black on the twenty-fifth of October blah blah blah,” James petered off, looking disinterested. 

Regulus beamed happily, because he was loved by all, while Sirius threw up his hands. “Are you kidding me! The evil git loves my fig-faced brother, and uses me as a sounding board for murder ideas! Where is the justice!”

“More concerning is that if they’re legally married, they’re going to have the child soon,” Lily pointed out. 

“Samhain is when they’ll do it,” Barty piped up. “Most wizarding couples do it then, it’s considered a day with great power, as the veil between our world and the Great Beyond is at it’s thinnest. That’s why so many kids are born in July.” When everyone looked incredulously at him, Barty bristled. “What! I’m a July baby! And so is James, and Regulus!”

 “Ew,” Marlene tittered, twirling a lock of Peter’s hair around her finger, making the boy blush in a splotchy pattern. Ah! He was being shown affection in public that did not come from a pal, he was most unused to it. Peter had become a minor celebrity after it was revealed that he was a covert animagus who played a role in the defeat of Bellatrix Lestrange, and he had gloried in the praise for all of five minutes before McGonagall had descended upon him in a rage and dragged him off to get his animagus form registered, and then screamed at him for five hours. 

But Peter was a strong chap, he was not To be broken, he did not give up the secrets of James and Sirius and their horny and furry counterparts, respectively. Peter was much feted after this, and his heroics had cemented Marlene’s burgeoning love for him. 

“I quite concur,” Remus murmured. “Babies should be made from spontaneous moments of love, not planned for a particular day. No power is stronger than that of Love.”

“Oh Remus,” Lily breathed, her emotions appropriately stirred. 

“Egads, control yourselves,” Snape scolded the pair, “it is barely five ‘o clock, such passions are reserved for the hours past eight, have you no shame.”

“You sound like my mum,” Lily sniffed, but quickly sobered. “Oh, Remus, that reminds me - you are visiting for the Christmas break, aren’t you? I’ll have to mail mum and dad.”

“I will,” Remus said seriously. “I want to make it known that my courtship of you has been nothing but respectful and that as a man of honour, I fully intend to marry you.”

Lily’s jaw dropped even as Remus continued to resemble his closest genetic relative - lightly browned toast. “Y-you what?” Lily asked weakly.

“I fully intend to marry you,” Remus repeated placidly, while the other lads about him flailed. “I have already gotten permission-”

“What? How?”

“-from Severus. He agreed and said that I was the least of the Four Great Evils. I think he was referring to James, Sirius, and Peter.”

Lily whipped around to glare at Severus, who glared back. “I made your dad a promise to protect your honour, and as a man of culture myself, I intend to stand by my word.”

“When did you talk to my dad!”

“When he took me fishing over the summer,” Severus said. “He likes to do lad-like things with me, as you are a little swot, and Petunia is the shrew to end all shrews. He even introduces me as Seth Evans to his pals down at the village.”

“You don’t look like Lily at all,” James remarked, squinting. “But if I squint and tilt my head this way, you could be a girl, I think.” James’ little remark was met with Snape’s sock, which had been thrown at him.

Lily goggled at Severus’ secret life as her brother, before remembering that she had received what was tantamount to a marriage proposal. “Wait! Remus just proposed to me! Remus!” Lily cried.

Remus blinked. “Yes?”

“You want to marry me?” Lily asked, her heart racing.

Remus sipped at his thermos, filled with sugar cane juice from his beloved Brazil. Ah! The wonder of a good preservation spell! “Oh yes.”

“Are…” Lily hesitated. “Are you proposing to me?”

Remus looked consideringly at Lily. “No, I am stating my intent. My proposal will be rather more passionate and will convey my full breadth of emotion. You’ll know when it happens - I guarantee it,” he vowed, suddenly intense in his passion and dedication for her. Lily, feminist as she was, could not help but swoon a little bit, even as Severus threw up inside his mouth. 

“Does it not set your heart aflutter, Severus, to see love around you?” Sirius asked, inching towards the object of his affections, like a bird on its belly. 

“I suppose,” Severus hedged, scooting away on his bum. 

“Then why do you not allow me to declare my intent for you thusly?” Sirius asked. “To me, you are more precious than a basilisk egg, and for a minute of your affections, I would sacrifice my leg!”

“Did you just come up with that?” Snape asked.

“Love is the inspiration behind an untold number of great poets, and it has similarly stirred the artistic soul within me!” Sirius declared, as though he had not spent ten minutes the previous night trying to find a word that rhymed with ‘egg’. 

“Black-”

Sirius reared up, using Remus and James as unwilling knee rests. “Severus, how can I convince you of my feelings! I have been a cad in the past, and I revile myself accordingly! But to have a chance with you, ah! It would be the great highlight of my misbegotten life!”

“Black,” Snape said slowly, “are you quite alright in the head?”

“Sev, he really does like you,” Lily said tenderly. “He’s been gone on you for ages now. How can you not have noticed?”

Snape looked shocked. “I thought that he was joking,” he said weakly.

“He isn’t,” James grumbled. “He once touched my hair and cried, saying that he would ‘willingly enter into a fight with a bear, to please his darling of ebony hair’.” James shuddered. “He was talking about you,” he told Severus pointedly. 

“Egads,” Snape muttered, looking incredibly surprised. “Black you rogue, I had no idea that you were being sincere.”

Sirius took Snape’s roughed hand betwixt his own. “Always, my thorny thistle.”

“Thistles are considered to be weeds,” Snape said dryly, causing Sirius to puddle to the floor in horror. “Nooooo,” Sirius moaned, “thwarted! Thwarted by my own lack of herbology knowledge!”

“How about this, Snapey old thing,” James suddenly spoke up, plonking his feet into Severus’ lap in an effort to keep him seated, “how about you give Sirius here a week to prove himself to you? If, after that, you decide that he is unworthy of basking in your forbidding glow, then he will leave you be.”

“Have any of you considered that I might not like men?” Snape asked the room at large. 

“Oh no, are you a heterosexual? How terrible,” Barty said, patting Severus’ knee gently. “Woe unto you, for you are unable to appreciate the beauty of all beings!”

“He’s not solely heterosexual,” Lily snorted. “I’ve seen him ‘go fishing’ with Evan Palmer over the summers, and everyone in the Midlands knows that Evan Palmer swings both ways.”

“Evan Palmer,” Severus grit out, “is my cousin, whose father is the local fishmonger!”

“Then explain Royce Cushing,” Lily shot back, and smiled happily when Severus gaped like a surprised halibut (with a nose). 

“How on earth did you find out about Royce Cushing?” Snape asked. 

“Petunia saw you and he underneath the apple tree,” Lily said smugly. “You will be happy to know that she had a conniption, and then daddy told her to ‘walk it off’,” Lily smiled. “He absolutely forbade her from telling your evil dad too.”

“My dad doesn’t care about men, not when his son can levitate the pepper shaker with the power of his mind,” Snape said shortly. “He already thinks that I am cursed.” This instantly brought the mood down, and a first year began to cry. 

Sirius looked upset. “Lovely Squishius,” he intoned seriously, “you will always have a family here, with us, and you will find love always-”

“Oh thanks-”

“-in my heart.”

“-erk,” Snape cut himself off and glared at Sirius. “Black you soggy crouton, how dare you cause me to blush thusly, you have placed me in a personal quandary!”

Sirius beamed and got to his feet. “Hear me, one and all!” he cried. In reality, only two people bothered to listen. “I do declare that I, Sirius Orion Black, will now go forth and return only when I have discovered a courtship gift worthy of my love’s attention! So mote it be!”

“Dinner’s in an hour,” Peter reminded him. 

“I care not!” Sirius shrieked. “I am going forth on a quest!”

Severus looked incredibly torn about this, because Black was going to miss his lessons, surely, and when did he start caring whether or not Sirius Black attended class? Alas, he was becoming as squishy as people accused him! 

As Sirius stalked out of the room, Remus patted Severus’ hand, causing a part of the boy to wither and die. “There, there, your gallant knight will soon return.”

“Hm,” Severus said noncommittally. “At any rate, now that Black has gone, watching out for the little Black is now our responsibility. Oh look, he is seeking to gobble Potter’s tongue up.” 

Remus and Severus descended upon the amorous pair, and pulled them apart, and life continued. 

Chapter Text

By the next morning, Sirius had yet to return. By now, Severus was properly worried. “The stupid fool!” he cried, “He has gone off somewhere on a harebrained quest to win my love! I swear to the muggle god, if he isn’t dead already, then I’ll kill him myself! How dare he impinge upon my conscience!”

“There, there, Mister Snape,” McGonagall shushed him, patting his shoulder, “Mister Black will soon be found, and returned to you.”

“Oh, don’t do that, or I shall return him to you in pieces! Do you know that I have not slept at all last night, professor, for worrying over Black’s useless, dimwitted self?”

“Mister Snape, I am delighted that you have come to care for Mister Black,” Minerva said with no small amount of surprise, “but please, rest assured that even now, people are scouring the castle looking for him.”

“Oh, I am not sure that is needed,” Albus chimed in from behind his desk, as Minerva and Severus both whirled around to glare at him, wishing for terrible things to happen to him. And that they would wish for such a thing when they stood in Albus’ own office! “In my day, courting was a serious thing, you know. People used to go questing for courtship gifts all the time, and such absences were often overlooked. Why, in my fifth year, Olivier Silverstone went off for a whole week in order to secure a gift for me! It was a most lovely branch of Gubraithian fire, I have it still, and it warms my room in lieu of my heart-”

“Albus, you are not helping,” McGonagall grit out unhappily, as Severus hand twitched for his wand. 

“All I mean to say is this,” Albus said, raising his hands, “young Mister Black is undertaking a matter of the heart, and I have long held the belief that Love is the most powerful magic to be had. I am certain that he is well equipped and talented enough to return to us safe and sound. Unlike poor Olivier, who lost an ear! Yet, he was still handsome and had won my heart, so it was with little compunction that I gave myself to him-”

“STOP!” Severus yelled in horror, as Minerva fainted in fright. 

Severus let the Gryffindors who were waiting outside in, so that they could together take Minerva back to her office. “No, you hold her legs, I’m not getting anywhere near there,” Snape told Lily, who rolled her eyes and grabbed the professor’s legs. “Potter, you get the other arm, Lupin, you steady her head”. 

“Any word on Sirius?”

“No,” Snape seethed, “and Dumbledore won’t take it seriously. He almost told me about his awful love affairs!”

“Oh, that’s terrible!”

“I know! Like I want to know about his ancient love life.”

“No!” Lily glared, “About Sirius!”

Severus sighed as he put Minerva down on her couch. “I do see his rationale though - Black is a capable enough fellow. I do trust him to be alright.”

Lily beamed. “Oh Sev! You’re coming around to him!”

“Well. Rab and Reg spent the night pestering me about Black, and eventually fell asleep in my bed. Then the portrait of Salazar Slytherin came by and yelled at me for taking two blokes into my bed and called me greedy! That old bag!”

Lily burst into giggles while James pouted. He had often dreamed of snuggling with his tiny boyfriend under the covers, with the lights low and mugs of cocoa in their hands, and the warmth of their love to keep them going. Oh, what a travesty it was then, that he should fall asleep in the bed of another!

“Oh, stop pouting,” Remus chastised James, “he’ll graduate in two years, and then you can unleash your passions to your full extent.”

“It’s weird to hear you talking about unleashing passions, Moony,” James remarked. “You’ve always been such an equanimous chap.”

“Well, someone needed to keep the peace. I wonder if we ought to wake professor Mcgonagall.”

“She has sustained severe trauma,” Severus said, “perhaps it is better that she rests.”

The group left, only to run into Regulus, who bounced straight into James’ waiting arms. “Oh, James! Did you find out anything about Sirius?”

“No, my delicious pickle,” James replied morosely, as Severus’ gallbladder shrunk at the exposure to such sweetness. “But he’ll be back, he did take my invisibility cloak-”

“YOUR WHAT,” Snape yelled, and for the next hour called James every iteration of a festering, braindead wasp’s anus while James took it like a man. 

“That’s all well and good, but what if he's gone into the forest?” Marlene asked worriedly. “The only things that stand a chance in there are magical beasts and beings, they’ll smell him out as a human!”

“Oh, his scent is rather muddled on account of being an animagus,” Remus reassured her.

“A WHAT,” Snape yelled, and then proceeded to call Remus every variation of ‘secretive, sister-groping, slug brain’, while Remus nodded along, because it was better to not inflame someone’s already inflamed passions. 

“What’s Sirius’ form?” Regulus asked sourly, upset that he had not known such an important secret.

“He’s a Grim,” Remus said. “Peter is a rat, and James is a stag. Of the three of them, only Sirius is an actual magical beast. The other two are normal animals.”

“Oh, but that is an incredible achievement!” Regulus cried happily, turning to James. “Oh darling, I am so proud!”

“Eh?” James looked surprised. “You’re not mad at me?”

“Well, a bit,” Regulus said, “but you’re going to make it up to me through extensive snuggling!” Looking nervous, Regulus bit his lip and glanced around, as though testing his daring. “U- under the covers!”

James nodded eagerly and began to unbutton his shirt and pants. “At once, sweetling!”

“No, no, later,” Regulus said hurriedly, as several people screamed and started to pull out their wands to curse James to preserve Regulus’ purity. 

“Argh!” Dorcas Meadowes, a huge lesbian, snarled. “Heaven forfend that I am forced to ever see a penis! Potter, I shall curse you to suffer menstrual cramps if I ever see your weenus!”

“Snuggle later, we have to find Sirius first,” Remus said diligently. “We really ought to split up, so we can cover the most ground.”

“I’ll take Potter,” Snape said sinisterly, channeling every evil thought he ever had towards James. Seeing Regulus attach himself protectively to Potter, Severus looked around for support. “And Lily.”

“Marlene, Peter, and Barty can form another team, and Dorcas, Rab, and I will form another,” Remus said, and smiled kindly down at Rab, who was still adjusting to his prosthetic foot. “I’ll carry you when you get tired, Rab, I am very strong and warm.”

“Oh! Thank you,” Rab smiled, his cheeks dimpling happily. 

“Alright, let’s go,” James said, and the groups split up. “C’mon, I think he would’ve gone towards the forest for potions ingredients for you, Severus.” Grumbling, the little group squished underneath James’ invisibility cloak, and James held it open for Severus to join them. “C’mon Snape, join us under the cloak of love.”

“I,” Snape enunciated clearly, “am capable of performing a disillusionment charm. I do not require your dinky little blanket.”

“We should stick together though,” Lily said. “Come on, Sev, pop in. No, no, come over to my side, Potter’s got bony hips, you’ll suffer next to him.” Under the cover of the cloak, the group edged into the forest, shivering slightly from the cold and the ominous chill that could not be attributed to the weather. 

James looked worriedly at Regulus, who seemed enraptured by the denizens of the forest. “Oh, just look at all the wild creatures here,” he breathed, his eyes following the dazzling humdingers that were chirping at them in a very Kreacher-like voice. “Aren’t they just beautiful?”

“You are mad,” Severus opined, and they carried on. “Potter, is your sense of smell as a stag better than as a human?”

“Oh yeah, much,” James said, and then cottoned on. “Oh, good idea, Sniv! Everyone, get out from under the cloak, I’m going to transform. Reg, c’mere, I need Sirius’ scent.”

“How’re you going to get that from me?” Regulus asked. 

“You wear the same cologne,” James grinned. “It smells kind of like ginger and spice.”

“It’s daddy’s own brew,” Regulus smiled. “He makes it for us, says it’s tradition to smell like ginger in the Black family.”

“Cool,” James said, and transformed into a great, regal stag. Regulus gasped as James cantered over and bowed his noble head, blinking kind eyes at him. Then, James poked his tongue out and gave Regulus a careful little lick, making the boy giggle endlessly. After sneaking in a little nuzzle, James raised his head and led the troupe forward. 

“Ridiculous,” Snape grumbled, watching Regulus and James. “It’s like some kind of mutant fairytale. Little Reg Riding Hood, and the big, ugly, moose.”

“Oh hush, it’s cute,” Lily muttered. 

The group trekked on for a while, with James nosing through the air, and Regulus stopping to pick up what seemed to be an abandoned albino puffskein that would have otherwise surely become an acromantula’s lunch. “It might have fleas!” Severus hissed. 

“Then I shall bathe it!” Regulus wept. “He has been abandoned due to his mutation, and is simply crying out for love! How can I reject him!”

“Fine, but keep it away from Lupin. The man tends to get peckish at odd hours.”

Regulus tucked his malnourished bundle of fur into his cloak and they carried on, eventually coming to a clearing that was suspiciously...clear. “Odd,” Lily muttered. “The grass here is flat, as though something has been here. I think we’re in danger, lads, let’s go-”

“Aha! You have stumbled into my well laid trap!” a voice cried out, and a very hunky, young, centaur gambolled out, his bow drawn. “Hello, humans!”

“Hello,” Regulus replied politely, before registering that he was in danger. “Oh no.”

“Ooh, captives,” another centaur beamed, popping out of the bushes. “Three juicy little humans!”

“You’re herbivores,” Severus pointed out waspishly, as the centaurs nodded along gamely. “And we’re not here to impinge, we’re looking for our...colleague.”

“Sev!”

“Oh fine, our friend,” Severus corrected himself. “He is about yay high, and deeply irritating. He answers to the name of Sirius Black.”

“Oh, him,” the hunky centaur said. “Yes, he’s with us. Said that he’s on a quest of love? Any road, Chief Magorian did not take too kindly to having a human in our territory, and he’s having the bloke do community service before releasing him.”

“Oh no!” James cried, transforming back into a human, and causing the two centaurs to scream in a most feminine manner. 

“Witchcraft!”

“Burn him!”

“For the love of god,” Severus muttered. 

Regulus bounded forward, his eyes emotive and limpid. “Oh please, sirs, won’t you release my fool brother? He is in love, and seeks nothing more than to lead a happy and equanimous life with his beloved! He has never meant harm!”

“Ew, Firenze, the human is talking to me, its eyes are huge and are reminiscent of an owl,” the centaur whinged to his friend, who nodded. 

“Be at ease, little human,” the now named Firenze said. “Your brother is simply paying his dues for trespassing upon our territory. It is just as well that you are here, for we can release the pest into your tiny hands. Come, with our permission, you may enter our lands.”

James transformed into a stag again and the group trotted after the two centaurs, their journey interspersed with the the whinging of Firenze’s friend, who was suspicious of the small human and the red human girl. As they entered into the centaur lands, Sirius became visible. He looked to be chilly, with his shirt taken off, and barefoot, and was minding the rowdy bunch of foals who were making fun of his only having webbed toes. 

“It is so strange! See, Andronicus, how the human Sirius’ toes are not independent of each other!” a small foal pointed out. “Do all human feet look like this?”

“No, I am just very inbred,” Sirius muttered. “And I forgot to do the severing charm on them last week. Now come on,” he said heavily, “I’ve got to bathe you before your mum gets back, or she’ll look at me with maternal disappointment, and it makes me feel funny things in my insides.”

“Sirius!” Regulus called. “What ho!”

Sirius yelped and spun around. “Regulus! What are you doing here!”

“What is this?” Chief Magorian bellowed. “Firenze, why do you bring more humans to our lands?”

“These humans came to retrieve the other one, Magorian,” Firenze said placidly. “Surely, the loud human has been punished sufficiently?”

“Hmph,” Magorian grumped, as he watched one of the foals splash Sirius with the water he was meant to bathe them with. “I suppose that he has paid his dues to us. Human Sirius!”

Sirius waddled over and looked sheepish. “Yessir?”

“What have you learned?”

“I’ve learned that I should not wander wily nily into other lands to plunder its treasures, for humans have made their abode far from the wilds, and have so forsaken a right to its bounties,” Sirius said dutifully. “I’m very sorry that I stumbled into your home, Chief Magorian.”

“Good,” Magorian snorted. “Now, come and reclaim your human wares.” Sirius shuffled over to take his shirt and shoes back, along with his little knapsack. “You carry with you the corpse of a poisonous crested crossbill,” he remarked, looking into the bag. “It is most disgusting. Why do you forage for dead birds?”

“I wanted to harvest the glands, sir, to give as a courtship present to my most thorny beloved! It is a rare find, and he is a most talented brewer! I only acted from a place of love!”

Magorian nodded, visibly softening. “Very well, then. You may harvest the glands, but the body of the bird will remain with this clan. The bird will look less hideous when it is plucked and roasted.”

Sirius took the ugly corpse and took a sharp knife to it, gagging through the whole procedure. From his position, Severus observed Sirius gagging and retching throughout the whole process, eventually plunging his hands into the dead bird’s innards and extracting the prized glands, whole, juicy, and pulsating in their ugliness. “The fool,” Severus breathed, but his words held no malice, but fond exasperation. Ah! How he had softened to the irascible charms of Sirius Black. 

“Oh, Sev!” Lily cried happily. “Have you found it in your heart to love this moron?”

“I-” Severus looked at Sirius, who approached him hesitantly. “I rather think that I have.”

There was a loud cheer from all those gathered, including the centaurs, who had been swayed by the heartrending show of emotion. “Go now, Human Sirius,” Magorian said gently, “and hold to the wisdom that you have gained in your travails with this clan.”

“Goodbye Chief Magorian,” Sirius replied, bowing. “I am super grateful for your mercy and hospitality. I have learned a great deal, such as how to skin a jarvey, and how to filter water with rocks and sand, and how exactly baby centaurs are birthed. Hagrid will be super jealous of my experiences here.”

Firenze walked the group to the forest, his muscles rippling manfully in the pale light of the moon. Upon reaching the border of the woods, he cantered forward, greeting the waiting crew of Remus and Peter’s gangs. “I return your friends to you, humans,” he said  placidly. “Farewell, and may Venus shine brightly over your union.”

“T- thanks,” Sirius stuttered, blushing as he looked steathily at Severus, whose alabaster skin was almost gleaming in the pale moonlight. Oh, but he looked like a statue, Grecian and refined in his poise, but his face betraying only the slightest hint of the turmoil of new love in his heart!

Amongst his friends once more, Sirius looked sheepish. “Guys, I’m sorry that I made you worry,” he mumbled, toeing the ground with his shoe. “Thanks for coming after me.”

“Anytime, chum,” James crowed. “Besides, did you not accomplish what you set out to do?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius said, looking up at Severus through his eyelashes, with a small, genuine smile. “Did I?”

There was a beat of silence where everyone turned to look at Severus, who was staring implacably at Sirius. Then, he nodded, his voice uncharacteristically tender. “Yes, Black. I daresay that you did.”

Sirius beamed with the force of a thousand suns as his peers rejoiced around him. “Well then, you’ll accept my courting gift?” Sirius asked, holding out the still throbbing glands. Severus plucked them out of Sirius’ palm and smiled. This bounty would hold enough venom for twenty doses of poisons, at the very least. 

“Let’s go back up to the castle,” Remus said, chivvying everyone along, “before the professors catch us. Once we are back upstairs, I will make us all celebratory caipirinhas with the cachaca I smuggled from home.”

With the promise of liquor and good times ahead, the little group went back to their rightful abodes, eager to revel in the good times.

***

From his office window, Albus watched the little troupe traipse back to the castle, with Sirius sneaking his hand into Severus’ larger, calloused one. Although the initial touch surprised Severus, Albus was pleased to see him accept Sirius and latch on firmly. 

Ah! The wonders of love! If only Albus’ adventures had borne fruit, he would be a happy and settled man today, perhaps with children of his own! With a fond smile, Albus settled back into his chair and basked in the glow of a good ending. Distantly, he wondered how his friend Newt’s brother was faring - what was his name again? Ah, yes, Perseus! He had been quite the looker as a young chap, and certainly if he were open to it, Albus might just be lucky in love once more…

With a diabolical chuckle, Albus put quill to parchment.

Dear Newton,

I was wondering how that lovely brother of yours is doing lately. Is he single? I certainly am…

***

Meanwhile, at Grimmauld Place, on the night of Samhain…

Tom had been counting down the days till Samhain with barely suppressed excitement. 

(Walburga had been counting down as well).

Together, the pair had taken to marking the calender, with October 31st marked as Do-Day - or rather, Do Orion Day. The bottom in question, Orion Black, was feeling rather queasy - not only at the thought of taking one for the fate of the Wizarding World, but due to the effects of the fertility potions that had his organs merrily realigning themselves in his body cavity, 

Kreacher had set up the consummation tent on the rooftop, and had furnished it with pillows, blankets, fruit juice for Orion’s hydration, and cleanliness products. Walburga had set up her pensieve and brought in a sketchbook to make the night’s memories into a slew of naughty parchments for herself and Tom to torment Orion with later. 

How they gloried in his blush and affronted squeaks!

In anticipation of the event, Tom had bathed himself in his favourite rose scented bath gel, and had prettied his body accordingly. It had been too long since he had partaken of his one beloved - the one man who could match him, stand by him and against him, toe to toe. The idea of looming over his match, staring into his eyes as he took his sweet time with him...it was scintillating. Tom smiled evilly, looking very much like a lizard. He turned to grab his robe, pivoted, and-

-screamed. 

“What,” Tom snarled at the bag of malice and skin affectionately called Kreacher, “are you doing here!” Kreacher did not move, but suddenly, the air in the room seemed to still. Sensing the uptick in magic, Tom eyed the horrid thing carefully. “What have you done, elf?” He asked quietly.

“Kreacher has stopped the house,” the elf croaked. “Kreacher is tied to the House, It listens when it is asked. Kreacher is the guardian of the House.”

“You would claim the role of your Lord?” Tom sneered.

Kreacher shook his head. “Lord Black protects the House and its traditions. Kreacher protects Lord Black.” He let the words hang between them. “Kreacher comes here to tell Lord Slytherin this.” Kreacher stepped forward, standing toe-to-something-that-used-to-be-a-toe with Tom.

It took all of Tom’s restraint to not vaporize the blasted thing. No- his new favourite son would be very sad, and he would cry, and the little part of Tom that was still good would feel terrible. But he could not let this insolence go unanswered.

“You would dare to threaten me,” Tom whispered. “I could kill you, you know.”

Kreacher shook his head. “Kreacher is not harmed by the hands of wizards,” he smiled terribly. “Kreacher is deciding when he is wrong. Not you.” Suddenly, Tom realized the meaning behind the dratted elf’s words. Never once had he seen Orion or Walburga hit the elf, even when he was clearly being a nuisance, fawning over Regulus and crying over Walburga’s baby photos. Kreacher observed Tom closely before nodding. “You is seeing it now. So Kreacher will speak.

“You is not being terrible to Master Orion. You is not breaking his heart. You is not being callous Mistress, or using her cruelly.” Kreacher straightened and pointed a twiggy finger at Tom. “You is not using the children against the House or Master! Kreacher will know, and Kreacher will act!”

Tom glared at the elf, very aware that the horrid sac of arthritis was in fact incanting and not merely speaking. “Are you quite done?” Tom gritted out.

“Yes.”

“Then you have my word,” Tom snapped, “that I am not here to cause harm. Not to your precious House, not to Orion or Walburga, and not to the children. I am here-” Tom paused, considering his next words carefully, and surprised himself by finding that he meant them, “-because I want to be.”

Kreacher looked placidly at Tom for a minute, before nodding. Instantly, the spell that had frozen the house seemed to break, and the air flowed freely once more. “Kreacher understands.”

Tom hesitated. “So can I ask you to go and grill our ears, then?”

Kreacher brightened like a broken street lamp. “Oh! You is being kind! Kreacher goes at once!”

Tom stared at the awful bag of mutations in confusion and horror before shaking his head and turning away. He would never admit it, but the elf had a power over the house that he did not, and would never have. It galled him that a mere elf would have a power that he knew not, but he satisfied himself with his own terrible secrets. 

And the thought that in less than an hour, he would be partaking in Lord Black’s juicy tushy. 

“Kreacher returns.”

“Argh,” Tom cried, jarred out of his thoughts. He whirled around to glare at Kreacher, whose ears bore grill marks that were lightly smoking. “What!”

“Kreacher brings traditional implements to enhance the dirty times,” Kreacher said, and deposited a sac at Tom’s feet. “There is being lubricant-”

“Yes, I know, thank you!” Tom yelled hurriedly. “Go away!”

Kreacher waddled off, wondering why wizards were so odd. As soon as he left, Tom grabbed the bag and dashed up to the roof, where Orion and Walburga were waiting. “Oh, goody!” Walburga beamed, “You’re here! Let’s get started!”

“That awful elf of yours,” Tom growled, “tried to threaten me, and then gave me-” he held up the sac, “-these!”

Orion peered into the bag and nodded. “Oh, yes. He tried to give me the same talk when I married Walburga, and I threatened to throttle his ugly neck. Then he cried and hugged me, it was most horrible.”

Tom harrumphed and threw the bag aside, and smiled lecherously at Orion. “Well,” he said, “I shan’t need these implements to bring you pleasure.”

“Oh dear,” Orion whimpered, as suddenly, he was surrounded by heat, want, lust, and Tom, Tom, Tom-

Orion felt strong arms wrap around him, and then felt a chill - oops, there went his clothes -  immediately followed by an all consuming warmth, with the heat of Tom’s body, his hot breaths on Orion’s neck, and the feeling of the telling heat betwixt his own legs. 

Then there was pleasure, pain, and pleasure, joy, euphoria so sweet that Orion barely registered anything else except the need for more, more, more-

-and then it all fell away.

***

“Orion?” 

Orion blinked his way back into consciousness, startled to find Tom’s grinning face hovering over him. “What?” Orion grumbled. 

“You fainted,” Tom grinned, terribly pleased with his own performance. Orion groaned and flipped over onto his belly, hiding his face amongst the pillows. Walburga giggled and handed Orion a glass of juice as Tom flopped down next to him. “Go me, I am an excellent lover,” Tom praised himself. “I made my partner pass out from ecstasy- it was ecstasy, wasn’t it?” Tom asked, suddenly concerned. “I didn’t hurt you?”

“You are very big and wide as an eggplant,” Orion commented, “but it felt...good,” he said hesitantly, and Tom looked as though he had just swallowed the entire sun with how brightly he glowed. Orion made to stand, but experienced a spell of dizziness and plopped on top of Walburga, where his fall was broken by falling into her soft, pillowy chest. “Mmgph,” he said, his words muffled by her great flesh balloons.

“Sit down, Orion,” Walburga said, gently placing him back down beside Tom, “you always get dizzy after vigorous pegging. Here, drink more juice.” 

Tom laid out next to Orion and lazily drew little doodles on Orion’s stomach with his finger, making the sensitive flesh jump. Orion glared halfheartedly at Tom, who looked unrepentant. “Have you already recovered? Cad.”

“Shall I take you down to your bed?” Tom asked. “I’ll carry you.”

“I would like that,” Orion mumbled. “It is chilly up here.” Tom gathered Orion up tenderly and the trio wandered down the halls into Orion’s bedroom. Orion tumbled into the bed and wriggled under the covers, content to fall into a doze while Tom and Wlaburga re-lived the night and giggled like an awful pair of dodos. 

Tomorrow they would see if the fertility potions had worked and whether the conception was successful. For now though, he was warm, loved up, and safe. And it was more than enough.

***

“If you would please stop sucking away the oxygen immediately around me, I would be most grateful,” Orion scolded his two terrible partners as they squished in beside him to observe the pregnancy potion. 

Orion was not feeling his best that morning, with him bum twinging painfully from the events of the previous night. To top it off, he had to prepare the pregnancy potion to confirm whether or not he was gravid, and his two lemming-like spouses insisted on being within two centimeters of him at all times. 

“Now what do we do?” Tom asked, eyeing the potion. 

“Now,” Orion said, “I drop a bit of my blood in. If it turns green, I am pregnant. If it stays clear, then I am not-”

“And we will have to have more fantasstic, sweaty sex, yes,” Tom nodded somberly. 

Orion glared and pricked his finger with a clean knife, and squeezed out a few drops of blood into the cauldron, and watched the solution turn a bright, lime green. “Oh,” he said, looking into the pot, “I guess that answers that question.”

“Oh Orion!” Walburga cried happily, throwing her arms around him. “I am so happy! We are going to have another child! Tom! You are going to be a father!”

Tom looked strangely shocked, and nodded distantly. “Yes...I’m going to be a- a father.” He paused and took a breath before repeating, more stoutly, “I am going to be a father.” In a moment of uncharacteristic vulnerability, Tom looked up and bit his lip. “I’ll be a good dad, won’t I? I’m not a good person, Orion, I’ve done terrible things.”

“That has absolutely no bearing on how much you love your children,” Orion replied, knowing full well of the terrible things Tom had done. “You are capable of love and kindness, Tom. Did you not just yesterday send Regulus a little stone carving to ‘ward off the horny’ and keep Potter away from him?”

“Well,” Tom blustered, “I like Regulus, you know, but he is a bit-”

“You can say it. He’s a bit fluff-headed.”

“-yes, thanks.”
Orion sighed. “Tom, I cannot have you doubting yourself now that you have placed your awful, thirteen inch cock in my insides and impregnated me. We are having this child, you are going to be a father to an infant, and you will be good at it!”

“Alright,” Tom mumbled, struck by Orion’s vehemence. Perhaps it was the hormones kicking in.

“Good!” Orion said forcefully. “Heaven’s sake, Tom, you are working towards changing the education system, do you not think that you have at least one paternal bone in your body? What about you professed love for Regulus? And you managed to hold a civil conversation with Sirius, that was a feat that none of us here thought was possible.”

“I suppose you are right,” Tom conceded. “But Regulus is easy to love, he is akin to a kitten frolicking in a pillow fort. And I did not do anything revolutionary with Sirius - just spoke to him as a young man ought to be spoken to.”

“There, see? Insight. You’ll do great at this father gig,” Orion said, slapping Tom’s shoulder in a lad-like manner. 

“Speaking of which, when are you going to propose the bill to replace Binns?” Walburga asked, clearing up the debris of the potion. “You can further bond with Sirius over your plotting!”

Tom cheered up at the mention of his evil plans. “There is a Wizengamot session this afternoon that I am going to attend with Orion, where I shall put the motion to either remove or exorcise Binns on the table.”

“Jolly good,” Walburga said jovially, her great breasts jiggling delightedly. Orion and Tom stared at them in awe, for this was just another facet of the feminine that beguiled and excited them in equal measure. 

The trio trooped out and Orion and Tom shrugged their coats on to depart for the Ministry. “Burg, we will be back by five, the- what are you doing here,” Orion interrupted himself to stare incredulously at Kreacher, who had appeared next to him, wearing his little travelling hat and cloak made from a bedspread that Regulus had given him for Christmas. 

“Kreacher travels with Master Orion to care for him and the tiny babe in his tummy,” Kreacher said, as though it were obvious. 

“I don’t need-!”

“Oh, come on Orion, let the miserable sac of cyst contents come, or we’ll be late,” Tom said, watching Kreacher jump through the floo, and no doubt scare some poor unwitting ministry employee that had the displeasure of seeing him appear. 

Tom went next and watched Orion step out a second afterwards, the heat of the floo lending a beautiful flush to his cheeks, ah but what a tantalizing sight Orion was to behold, his hair gently ruffled by the rush of the flames, his cheeks blushing as they had the night before-

“Would you not do that in public,” Orion’s scandalized voice cut through Tom’s thoughts, and he smiled impishly at an even more frazzled looking Orion. 

“Sorry not sorry,” Tom said cheerfully. “Come, take my hand so that I can escort you.” Orion just stared, and then looked down to where Kreacher was already holding his hand, looking triumphantly up at Tom. “Horrid elf, I bid you to steam your nose,” Tom hissed, and Kreacher beamed at him. 

“As soon as we is home,” Kreacher promised happily. 

Tom took Orion’s other hand and led them through the hallowed halls of the ministry, and into the Wizengamot chambers. Tom looked at the ancient halls wherein centuries of magic and rites had passed from generation to generation, keeping the secret of magic sacrosanct amongst their people. And now at long last, Tom would take his rightful place. “I had never thought that I would be here at last,” Tom murmured, letting the significance of the moment wash over him. 

“Go on then,” Orion said, his tone softer than Tom had ever heard. He looked at Orion, who was smiling. “It’s been too long since House Slytherin’s seat lay empty. It’s only right that it is filled once more.”

Taking a deep breath, Tom stepped in, unnoticed amongst the bureaucrats and the other legislators. He stepped up to the highest row of the chairs, where once the oldest families of their world sat. Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor’s seats all remained empty, he noticed, as he walked past them, as did Peverell, McDormund, Talog, and Iwan. Bones, Smith, and MacMillian were all seated already, and Ewan MacMillian waved gaily across at Tom, who nodded back. 

Tom stopped at the seat of House Slytherin, still pristinely maintained, next to the seat of the equally ancient House of Black, or as it was then known, House Blacke. 

Tom looked out at the crowd of witches and wizards of the other Houses taking their seats, and felt the gaze of the Supreme Mugwump come to rest on him. Curse Dumbledore, hovering over his life like a spectre. Trust him to try and trip Tom up, somehow-

“Sit,” Orion said, taking his own seat with the ease of one who had done it countless times before. “Tom,” he said softly, and startled Tom by taking his hand and holding it fast, “sit. If it is your right, then no one will stop you. This is where you were meant to be.”

Tom, not fool enough to ignore his husband, sat down next to him. Suddenly, the seat began to pulse with energy, and the engraving on the seat began to glow with new life - Domus Slytherin, Et Nos Sustineo. 

“Et Nos Sustineo,” Orion murmured reverently. “We will endure. The words of House Slytherin. I didn’t realize that it was the Salazar Slytherin’s family motto.”

Tom was too awestruck to reply, watching as the glow of the words spread and suffused the arms of the chair, sending a warming glow to his palms, clasped tightly on the armrests. This is right. He belonged here, next to Orion. In the Wizengamot. 

In the chair of Lord Slytherin. 

Apparently, the rest of the Wizengamot had come to the same conclusion. At the lectern of the Supreme Mugwump, Albus Dumbledore nodded, having watched the duo come in from the beginning. “And so the Wizengamot does recognize Lord Slytherin, Thomas Gaunt, amongst our number,” his soft voice affirmed. “So mote it be.” 

“So mote it be,” the unanimous voice of the Wizengamot echoed, and Tom felt traitorous tears burn at the edge of his eyes. He clasped Orion’s hand, taking strength in his warm grip, affirming his place. Not that Tom needed anyone’s validation, of course. 

But it was nice to have a friend. A partner.

Also baby daddy. 

“I call this session of the Wizengamot, taking place upon the first of November, the year being nineteen-hundred-seventy seven, into session. Would any Lords or Ladies care to put forth any announcements?”

Before Tom could make his big debut, Epaphras Selwyn stood and began espousing his ideas on the allocation of funds for the hospitality industry, of which he coincidently was a part of, running several higher end inns and hotels all over the country. 

“Your time will come,” Orion whispered to Tom, thoroughly amused at Tom’s irritated pout. “Just hold on for a bit.”

Tom simmered like some cream on the hob, ready to become clotted cream for the evening scones to be taken with the tea- and now he was hungry. Brilliant. And Selwyn was still prattling on. Soon though…

“Lord Selwyn’s proposition will pass to the Budget Committee for further discussion,” Dumbledore’s voice rumbled, jerking Tom out of his reverie. “The floor is open to the next proposition- Tom?”

Tom had bounced up like a jack in the box at Dumbledore’s first words. “I have a proposition as part of the Board of Governors of Hogwarts, and as the current third chair of the Education Committee,” Tom said firmly, staring Dumbledore down.

Dumbledore’s eyebrow quirked up. “Certainly, Tom- that is to say, Lord Slytherin,” Albus replied. “Ah! I find it difficult in my old age to think of my former charges as grown, for you are all forever the little boys and girls that I one nursed the boo-boos and ouchies of!”

Tom bit back a snarl as the witches and wizards around him smiled. Cursed Dumbledore, he was trying to portray Tom as a young boy, so that the Wizengamot would not take him seriously, but Tom saw right through his plans!

“My Lords and Ladies,” Tom began, his voice steady and strong, “I come to you today with a thought that has long plagued me. For too long, our children - and I include the children not of our blood - have been poorly served by not learning about our noble history. I speak, of course, of the History of Magic. 

“Hogwarts is the main institution of magic in Britain, and we do a disservice to our children by not teaching them properly, and catering instead to the whims of a ghost with outdated material. Our children must know of their history, and those great witches and wizards that came before them! They should be able to take pride in their past!” Tom paused as several people pounded their desks and cheered in support. Tom smiled winningly and continued. 

“The muggleborns come to us as clean slates, and we do them a disservice by not educating them of the world that they have become a part of.” Tom stopped and surveyed the hall, taking in the startled look of the conservative Houses, who clearly had not expected Lord Slytherin to acknowledge the muggleborns. Good, Tom thought sourly, let them stew. These were the same people who looked down at him, once upon a time. He was not going to be a pawn of theirs. 

“The children of our blood have no knowledge of the great feats and the great horrors of our past,” Tom continued. “It is our duty to do right by the next generation, whom we do pin our hopes upon!”

The hall erupted in applause and yells of affirmation. Tom spied Dumbleore looking calculatingly at Tom. “My Lords and Ladies,” Tom cried over the hubbub of the crowd, “I move for the overhaul of the History of Magic course, and of it’s disastrous instructor, who has failed generations of our kind!”

The hall exploded - with glee and horror alike. “Lord Slytherin! You are calling for an exorcism!” The Lady Longbottom cried angrily, “You would call for the exorcism of a dedicated instructor, who would not leave his job even in death!”

“Then are we to be beholden to the whims of the deceased, Lady Longbottom?” Tom countered. “Do we not do right by the living?”

“Hear hear!” Lord Nott called. “I stand by Lord Slytherin’s statement! We owe it to our children!”

After several moments of similar back and forth, Dumbledore called for silence. “Order! I will have order!” Albus roared. As the crowd quietened, he turned his cold eyes upon Tom. “Lord Slytherin’s motion will be voted upon and if passed, will proceed to the committee of Afterlife Affairs and then the Board of Governors of Hogwarts School. Those in favour of the overhaul of the current History of Magic curriculum, raise your wands!”

Tom watched in glee as he saw wands shoot into the air, held aloft, supporting his words. He could not have hoped for more. Albus nodded, his face inscrutable. “And those in favour of the exorcism of one Cuthbert Binns, deceased, raise your wands now,” he said, his tone subdued.

Tom watched as fewer wands were raised for this, bringing the room to a deadlock. “Surely,” Lord MacMillian queried, “we can simply shift the classroom the children go to? Let Binns continue to teach to air, and the children will be properly educated elsewhere.”

“It does not work that way,” Orion spoke up, surprising Tom. “Spirits are not sentient, but they are capable of thought. If the ghost discovers that it has been slighted, robbed, or perceives that it has been slighted, it has a strong chance of becoming malevolent. We will then have every chance of contending with a malevolent poltergeist, or worse, a boggart. I say let the dead have peace. I would move for the ghost of Cuthbert Binns to be exorcised.”

Tom glowed with the support of his newly-minted spouse, as he observed the room fall into thought. Dumbledore looked grave. “A new vote is to be called,” he said softly, “in light of the deadlock. The Lords and Ladies will be given an hour to deliberate and the session will be reconvened for a final vote.” Albus banged his gavel and stood, looking thoughtful. 

As the crowd dispersed, Tom turned to Orion, only to be confronted by Dumbledore instead. “It was cruel to suggest the exorcism, Tom,” he said softly. “I had hoped that your union to Orion and his views would have softened you.”

“I speak sense,” Tom retorted. “If you think me cruel for wanting the best for my children, and my soon to be child, then so be it.”

Dumbledore turned and looked clinically at Orion, then his tummy, while Orion blushed like a beetroot. “Congratulations are in order then,” Albus mused, and gently patted Orion’s hand. “Though I did not think that it would happen so soon. But perhaps I ought not to be surprised, the amount of times I found you and Tom, with your fellow dorm mates, entangled in various-”

“ARGH,” Tom and Orion cried, and ran off. “Awful cad,” Tom muttered, glaring at Albus from a safe distance, who was pretending that he was as pure as a newborn pygmy puff. 

“But your motion is going to pass, probably,” Orion pointed out. “And there’s nothing that he can do about it.”

Tom cheered up. Ah! His agenda was coming to fruition, he had knocked Orion up after brilliant sex, and he was a beloved member of the Wizarding elite, this was far better than becoming a dark lord would have turned out. Honestly, what had he been thinking? Thank goodness for Orion and his reluctant sensuality. 

“Thank you, by the way.”

Tom looked at Orion. “Er. Why?”

“For calling my sons as yours,” Orion replied. “I didn’t think that you’d meant it, but when you said it there, and so easily, I…” Orion bit his lip. “I became just a bit hot for you.”

Tom beamed. He was getting laid. Again. The moment was interrupted by Rodolphus Lestrange coming over to them and eyeing the pair warily. “My Lords.”

“Lord Lestrange,” Orion said, having recovered, “let me offer our joint condolences for your father’s demise.”

“Thank you,” Rodolphus said blandly. “I must confess, sirs, that I did not anticipate your union. I had thought that your views were rather different.”

“They aren’t, really,” Tom shrugged. “We both want stability and success for magical folk. We both do not want overt muggle influence in our society. The best way to ensure this is for everyone to have a sound grounding in the wizarding world.”

“When you say overt influence…”

“I’ve always thought that quills were rather daft,” Tom said. “See, I have a pen,” he said, drawing out the nifty ballpoint that he carried around for emergencies. “I don’t have to pluck unwitting birds, nor refill my tip for each sentence. It is also an excellent tool for assault.”

“What? That’s ridic- ow,” Rodolphus grumbled, massaging the point where Tom had poked him with the pen, leaving a blue dot on his hand. 

“I believe in pens, and muggle wine, and the radio,” Tom continued. “Did you know, that when London was being bombed-”

“What? When?”

“You appall me,” Tom said swiftly. “It was during the forties.”

“Did they not shield their city?”

“Muggles don’t have shield charms, Rodolphus.”

“Oh, how sad.”

“As I was saying,” Tom continued, “When London was being bombed, and I was a fifteen year old lad, the announcement on the radio saved my life. I had just enough time to get underground and save myself from the muggle missiles. It destroyed the city, blew men, women, and children to smithereens.”

Rodolphus looked ready to empty his stomach. “And yet, sir, you were quite willing to listen to the delusions of my ex-wife when she espoused the murder of mu- muggleborns.”

“Listened. I never told her to go and be a madcap,” Tom retorted. “I gave her my time and my favour, for her prolific ability. I thought her to be a worthwhile ally. I thought you to be an ally.”

“Such talk nearly cost me my brother,” Rodolphus countered. “And to think, that a man who had seen such carnage would listen to talk of more. I am a changed man, Lord Slytherin.”

“As am I,” Tom admitted. “I no longer think as I once did. I see other ways to further my causes.” Tom’s tone softened. “I am sorry about your brother. He is small and fae and did not deserve to lose his foot. I look at Regulus now, and I think how horrible it would be to have him similarly hurt. I cannot think of espousing such evils, now that I have skin in the game. It took me this long to realize it.”

“I am not a perfect man,” Tom said. “Far from it. I am selfish, cruel, and lustful.” Here, Orion glared. “But I can learn. I have learned.”

“Well said, my boy!” Dumbeldore cried, suddenly from beside him, making all three men scream. “But we must reconvene, the session is restarting!” As Orion and Rodolphus walked away, Dumbledore held Tom back with a gentle touch to his elbow. “I heard what you were saying, Tom.”

“Oh, that’s-”

“I have never thought you a good man-”

“Oh, well, jog on, then.”

“But your change in views gives me hope,” Dumbledore continued. “I had not foreseen that finding a family, and love, would inspire such changes in you.”

“Did you really not?” Tom asked. “Is it so incredible that good company, happiness, and fulfillment can inspire a man to change? That love, no matter which form, can bring gladness and contentment? To think that for all your espousing goodness and tolerance, you would think that I am incapable of feeling the same as any other.”

“I am humbled,” Dumbledore admitted. “I did not realize the extent to which my inherent biases pitted me against helping you. But my vision was coloured by my initial interactions with you, and by the fate of those who stood against you.”

“I would not judge myself harshly for standing against those who sought to see me brought low,” Tom said quietly. “Regardless of whether they were family, friend, or foe.”

“And innocents? What say you of Myrtle Warren?”

Tom stared impassively at Dumbledore. “What of her?” He asked smoothly. “She died regrettably, but not at my hand.” This was true enough - the basilisk had just been taking a little midnight walk. No one had expected Myrtle to be crying in the toilet at midnight. His poor snake had been so startled, she had cried to Tom about the ‘strange rat child, it was so loud, Tom, and it leaked from its eyes and nose’. Still, Myrtle was Tom’s charms partner, and he had to work solo for the rest of the term. It had been...peaceful. 

In the present, Dumbledore looked disbelieving, but in the face of a lack of evidence, he was forced to concede. “Hm. Let us continue our discussion at another time-”

“Must we?”

“-but for now, we must reconvene the Wizengamot.”

Tom skulked in after Dumbledore, and took his seat next to Orion, who patted his hand delicately. “There, there. After we go home, you can kick Kreacher. It’ll make you both feel better.” At Orion’s side, Kreacher brightened at the prospect, and even Tom’s mood lifted. 

“The vote for the exorcism of Cuthbert Binns, deceased, is called once more,” Albus addressed the room. “Those who agree, raise your wands now.” Tom’s (evil, shrivelled) heart leapt as this time, a majority of wands were raised, including those of some of the famously Light side families.

“Lords Prewett!” Augusta Longbottom cried in horror, “you would condone this!?”

The twin lords of House Prewett looked grave, but shrugged. “It would be a kindness to help the professor’s spirit on, rather than have him become a malevolent spectre,” Fabian Prewett said, his gentle voice counter to his sharp face. “He is of the peaceful dead, and he should go now, as opposed to risking perpetual pain as a poltergeist, or worse yet, a boggart.”

“And we must think of the children,” Gideon Prewett added on, with a nod to Tom. “I concur with Lord Slytherin, in this case. We owe our children the best education that we can arrange for.”

“Then the motion passes,” Albus said solemnly. “The Board of Governors will convene and at a set date, will exorcise the ghost of Cuthbert Binns. His family will be informed, so that they may make arrangements as it suits them.”

The session continued, but Tom was too awash with glee to pay full attention to the proceedings. When the meeting concluded, the Board of Governors for the school called for an emergency meeting. Tom grabbed Orion and brought him along into the chambers, where he was accosted by Lady Bones.

“Tom old thing, if I were inclined to such things, I could have kissed you,” she boomed, and Tom flinched. “That was masterful, getting rid of Binns in that manner. Good going!”

“Er, thanks,” Tom mumbled. “But we have to hash out the logistics of it all, and Dumbledore certainly won’t be keen to help.”

“We will need to arrange it for a time that the children are mostly out of the castle,” Lady Patil murmured. “A Hogsmeade weekend? We can arrange for another activity to occupy the first and second years in the grounds, and out of the castle.”

“Perhaps a field trip?” Lord Crabbe suggested, speaking his first sentence in a decade. “The Crabbe farms supply most of Ollivander’s wand wood. They could come and have a look around.”

“Oh splendid idea!” Lady Mackintosh smiled. “That’s settled then! Now all we need is a bait and trap for the spirit-”

“Oh we don’t need to worry about that,” Tom said smoothly, smiling. “I’ve got an idea.”

Chapter Text

Sirius was walking the hallways in an early Monday morning fugue, sleep still not fully gone from his eyes. As a result, he was fully in the right for assuming that he was simply hallucinating the figure of his evil stepfather at the end of the corridor. 

“Sirius, dear stepson, walk with me,” the hallucination called. 

“No thank you, evil mirage, I don’t think I will,” Sirius called back, waving. “Be on your way now.”

Instead, the hallucination stalked towards Sirius and dragged him into an empty classroom. “Honestly,” Tom grumbled, sitting next to his stupid step-child. “Are you awake yet?”

Sirius, who was indeed awake, still denied this terrible reality. “No, for if I am awake, then this is my reality, and this cannot be. Go away, gross hallucination.”

Tom glared and resorted to desperate measures, resorting to an aguamenti to Sirius’ face, leaving the boy spluttering and dripping wet. “Mean,” Sirius muttered, and cast a drying charm, fluffing his hair up into luxuriant waves. 

Tom snorted. “Good morning, Sirius.”

“Good morning, er- um, you,” Sirius replied lamely. At Tom’s raised eyebrow, Sirius bristled. “What! We haven’t discussed what to call you yet! And I can hardly call you dad.”

“Stepfather, then,” Tom suggested. “Honesty, you are so contrary. Regulus writes to me all the time, and he calls me papa, like a good son ought to.”

“I’ll think about it,” Sirius mumbled. “So, what’s up?”

“What is up,” Tom enunciated, “is that our plan to exorcise Binns is to be put into motion today afternoon!”

Sirius groaned. “Aw, why now? I was going to wine and dine Severus under the weak light of the sun on the balcony of the Cypress Cafe in Hogsmeade today.”

“But this is the opportune time to act!” Tom insisted. “Most of the student body will be at Hogsmeade, and the first and second years have been taken on a field trip to the Crabbe wood farm-”

“Ew, Crabbe wood-”

“Cease,” Tom shuddered, and glared. “Back to my point, your assistance in the murder- er, exorcism, of Binns would be welcome.”

Sirius took ten minutes to whinge extensively at being made into an accessory for murder. “O woe, I am to be sullied by the not-blood of mine own admittedly detrimental professor! Can life get harder than this, I think not!”

“I assure you that it can,” Tom muttered. “Now come on, you have to get to breakfast while I will hide out in this classroom. When the hour is two past noon, come and find me here. We will proceed then.”

Sirius flopped unhappily. “Can I bring friends as moral support?”

“No. Man up.”

“Boo, toxic masculinity.”

Tom sighed. “Fine. Bring your little friends.”

***

When the hour was two past noon, Tom found himself looking at Sirius’ and Regulus’ mixed group of friends, who now took up half of the classroom. “Orion was right,” Tom marvelled, “you people do move in packs. Lemmings, the lot of you!”

“Oh papa, don’t be mean!” Regulus pouted. “We are only here to help Sirius do his duty to this school!”

“Why isn’t Dumbledore here to oversee this?” Lily asked, raising her hand. “Surely he knows that we mean to kill Binns.”

“He knows,” Tom assured them. “He is even now interviewing potential candidates to fill the soon to be vacant position. He likes to leave the grisly work up to others though - can’t be seen getting his wrinkly hands dirty now, can he?”

James looked rather discomfited by the whole thing. “Are we...being malicious? Surely this is not dark, is it?”

“We are helping a ghost move on to the Great Beyond,” Tom explained for the umpteenth time. “It is helping the natural order. Unless, of course, you want to sit through another lecture on the feats of Uburnuk the Unbelievably Ugly?”

“He was a relative of Kreacher,” Sirius snickered, and was pinched for his misdeed by Regulus. 

“The plan is this, my gremlins,” Tom said, clapping his hands gleefully. “Sirius is to work himself up into a lather and ask Binns for help for his essay on Ingbot the Incredibly Irascible. He will lead the spirit into the ritual circle that I will put down, and from there, I will begin the incantation to trap Binns and send him into the afterlife.”

Tom felt very much like a mother duck as the horde of youngsters waddled behind him, watching him lay down the ritual circle. Regulus, being an eager beaver, helped his evil stepfather, further cementing his place as the family favourite. All too soon, they heard Sirius’ voice in the hallway.

“-there is an empty classroom just here, professor, let’s use this one,” Sirius said, opening the door to the darkened classroom. Sirius maneuvered the ghost into the ritual circle and deftly stepped out, finding his way into Severus’ arms. 

“What is the meaning of this?” Binns asked, the break from his usual routine jarring him. His eyes fell upon the figure of Tom, who quickly activated the rune circle by taping it four times in quick succession with his wand. 

“Do you recognize me, Professor Binns?” Tom asked quietly, so as not to spook the spirit.

“What? No, ought I recall? But I was lecturing upon the Goblin Wars, I must go-”

“How long have you been lecturing, sir?” Lily asked bravely. “Aren’t you tired?”

“Miss Bevins, I am not-”

“When did you last update the syllabus, sir?” Remus asked mildly. 

“I see no need for any such thing! You ought to be quite content with learning the material that I set out-”

“Seventy five years ago,” Tom finished, watching Binns startle. 

“What! Surely not! What manner of prank is this!”

“Seventy five years, Binns,” Tom repeated, “you’ve been dead. Seventy five years that you have been holding class. Are you not tired?”

“No!” Binns suddenly reared forward, but was trapped by the rune circle. “I see what this is now! You wish to be rid of me! When I have given myself to this school- I will not stand for it!”

“He’s getting agitated,” Regulus whispered in horror, watching as Binn’s aura started to change from a silvery hue to a more solid grey. “Oh no! He’s transforming into a poltergeist!”

Tom started to incant rapidly, even as Binns’ rage made him more and more corporeal. Furniture went flying, and the students ducked, squealing as chairs and tables flew past. Tom held up the chant, dodging, but never letting up. It was now or never. 

Severus threw himself at Sirius, protecting the slighter boy from a rogue table leg, even as James flattened Regulus to shield him from a chair that missed him by a hair, splintering against the wall. 

“No!” Sirius and Regulus cried in horror, as the teacher’s table - a gargantuan oak structure - was lifted from the floor and went flying at Tom, who barely managed to get a shield up, but it was too hastily done, too late-

Binns went up in flames even as Remus tackled Tom to the ground, taking a glancing blow to his hip. Tom stirred underneath the warm body of the wolf, holding him pressed against the floor with his formidable strength. “Please release me,” Tom muttered, even as Remus rolled languidly off of him.  

His job done, Tom trooped upstairs to tell Dumbledore, dimly noticing that his horde of misshapen ducklings was still behind him, waddling along placidly. Was this what felt like to be a parent, Tom wondered, before stopping in front of the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore’s office. 

The gargoyle roused itself and peered at Tom, before smiling toothily. It was a terrible sight to behold, it was probably a relative of Kreacher’s. “Hey hot stuff,” the gargoyle rumbled, leering at Tom. 

“I am here to see the headmaster,” Tom hissed venomously. 

The gargoyle hummed. “Sure, sure,” it said, moving aside, if only to get a view of Tom’s excellently rounded bum. 

Tom and his posse marched up to the door and knocked, only for the door to open to the painful sight of Dumbledore in his dressing gown, clearly having a chill time on his day off. Albus looked surprised to receive visitors, and beamed at the group, waving them in, only for the light to catch the turquoise sequins on his dress and blind them temporarily. 

“The matter of the History professor is dealt with,” Tom said shortly. 

Albus frowned. “So soon? Oh dear, but I have not had time to arrange for an instructor! What a to do! Unless, of course,” he said, looking beadily at Tom, leaning forward, “you are volunteering your services, Lord Slytherin.”

“Oh god almighty no,” Tom muttered, backing away, “and please don’t lean forward, I can see your chest hair.”

Albus leaned back. “Strange that you would be affronted by my chest, I am told by several authorities on the subject that I have a rather, ahem, ‘spanking’ body.”

At this, half of the students ran away to throw up, leaving only the Black brothers, Remus, and Severus with Tom, who was traumatized. “Oh, Papa Tom, sit down, you are looking ever so pale!” Regulus cried, and guided Tom to the sofa, where his legs gave way. So great was his trauma, that Tom held onto his emotional support stepson as he sat. 

Albus continued to shuffle around in his ridiculously dazzling dressing gown, and eventually spoke again. “Well, seeing as classes start the day after tomorrow, and I have no viable candidates, I should think that you, young Tom, would take the classes yourself.”

“What!” Tom cried, shooting up. 

“There are lesson plans-”

“I don’t want to be a teacher!”

Albus looked clinically at him. “I distinctly remember you asking for a job-”

“Right out of school!” Tom squeaked. “And you said I had no experience!”

“Well, dear boy, that was before you were a published author-”

“On the dark arts!”

“Oh that doesn’t matter,” Albus said smiling benignly. “We so rarely get what we want in life, after all. And were you not the highest scorer of the History of Magic NEWT in recorded history?”

Tom mumbled something to the effect of ‘why me, o woe’ and looked down as Regulus tugged on his sleeve. “Yes?”

“Oh Papa! This is such a lovely opportunity! Do say yes!”

Tom looked distinctly uncomfortable with all the positive attention he was receiving, he had not overcome the trauma of his upbringing just yet. “Well- that is to say- I have to think of your father, my spouse,” Tom dithered. “I’ve knocked him up, you see.”

Sirius shrieked thinly and stumbled into Severus, making a plaintive whine to be held. Severus obliged, his forearm veins pulsing heroically. Sometimes, Severus didn’t know what to make of his eccentric boyfriend, but found that he was quite taken with Black’s shenanigans, so long as they were not malicious. 

The one time they were, Severus instituted a week of consequences, up to and including wearing full sleeves at all times, depriving Sirius of the sight of his muscled forearms. Suffice to say, it had worked. 

“We can arrange for a floo connection to your house,” Ablus hummed.

“B-but,” Tom dithered, “Orion will be mad at me,” he whinged. “He will expect me to be there for him while he suffers nausea and swollen feet from the child that I am responsible for!”

“I rather think that Orion would be glad to have a parent at the school with his sons, given the incidents that have placed them in danger this past year,” Albus said, his gaze resting knowingly on Tom. “After all, that mysterious dark lord was stirring up quite a bit of ruckus…”

“Er,” Tom agreed verbosely, knowing that he had been caught out. “You’ve got a point,” he mumbled, as Sirius glared at him and Regulus beamed. 

“Then it is settled!” Albus crowed, throwing a contract and a heap of lesson plans at Tom, who was soon submerged in parchment. “Sign here, and here…”

Walking out of the headmaster’s office with a new job, Tom allowed Regulus to guide him to his new classroom. “For what it’s worth, Papa Tom,” Regulus spoke up, “I am glad to have you here. I think that you are a fascinating chap, and that we can learn a lot from you.”

“Sure,” Sirius said, just as Tom started feeling better about his predicament, “provided that you aren’t up to any actively evil shenanigans.”

“Detention forever!” Tom snapped, but Sirius looked unrepentant. 

“I’m serious, man,” Sirius said, turning a chair around to sit backwards on it, “you’ve got to be a good person now. You’ve got to interact with all kinds of people. If you can’t hack it, tell me now, and I’ll tell Dumbledore that you went home with, um, scrofungulus.”

Tom glared. “I am perfectly capable of being rational and kind, thank you very much. Also, how dare you afflict me with imaginary scrofungulus!”

“What! It’s the perfect excuse! Fungal infections down there are very difficult to cure.”

“This is true,” Severus hummed. “I studied about it in my Introduction to Healing course. Fancy you remembering that, Black.”

“Hey! I listen,” Sirius squeaked. “Especially when it’s you, Squish.”

Snape looked gratified and bemused at Sirius toothy grin, combined with his come-hither eyes. He was truly an obtuse individual. 

“I… I will have to face your father now,” Tom sighed. “He will not be best pleased that I have landed up in this mess.”

***

Orion was, in fact, not best pleased.

“I have been made to become the History professor at Hogwarts,” Tom said.

“YOU WHAT,” Orion replied. 

“Starting effectively immediately.”

“WHAT NOW.”

“I… did not anticipate this,” Tom admitted to his seething spouse. “But it is good in a way, I suppose, that I am close to Regulus and Sirius, especially given the attacks on them in this past year.”

“In no small part due to people who thought that your bigotry was the bees knees.”

Tom flinched. “Well, I’ve changed, you know that. Think of this as making things right - I don’t want either of the boys to end up hurt. Besides, in this position, I will be well placed to mold students’ thinking away from, er, the bigotry. It’s not like anyone can link me to the mysterious dark lord, they’ll just think I’m a kindly nutter.”

Orion looked dubious at Tom’s explanation, but backed down. “I suppose. But I do hope that you’ve learned your lesson.”

“Yes, yes, it’s better to not be a violent meanie, but rather to spur change through the channels provided by the government,” Tom groaned. 

Orion glared. “And?”

“And to not paint everyone with the same brush,” Tom grumbled. 

“Alright then,” Orion said quietly, looking at Tom with a mix of emotion in his eyes. “I’ll miss you,” he said belatedly. 

Tom perked up. “Oh don’t, I’m allowed a floo connection to the house, because Dumbledore seems to think that the power of our love merits it.”

Orion smiled. “So you’ll be home, then?”

“I get to come home on the weekends,” Tom grinned, “wherein we can engage in breakfast, morning sex, work, tea, more work, dinner, and sex.”

Orion looked horrified. “Good lord, twice a day!?”

“Only when you feel up to it,” Tom hastened to add. “I realize that pregnancy is very hard on the body. I am also aware that I am not the easiest partner in bed, owing to my size and girth.”

Orion blushed coyly, but did not admit that their passion was very enjoyable. “Well, I suppose that we have come to a conclusion, then.”

“Oh yes,” Tom said. “I now have to go over my lesson plans and change the curriculum to suit my- er, our, that is - agenda.”

“You do that,” Orion said cautiously. “Can we expect you for dinner tonight at least?”

“Oh sure.”

“Good. Then I shall slightly burn the chicken when Kreacher is not looking so that you can tell him to tenderize his nails.”

“Oh jolly good,” Tom grinned, and with a parting smooch, jumped into the floo, emerging into his office and directly on top of Sirius, who went down with a squeal. “What are you doing here?” Tom demanded. “Scram, I’ve got work to do!”

“Just wanted to check whether dad was miffed with you,” Sirius grumbled. 

“He was, then we spoke, and then he wasn’t,” Tom replied. “Now go away.”

Sirius and the gang tumbled out, leaving Tom to his newfound fate. What had he just gotten himself into now?

***

Tom was practically in jitters for his first class. Dumbledore had swaned in to bid him good luck - as though he meant it, the cad - and had dumped more duties on his desk before waddling off. 

Now staring at his sixth year class, composed of Sirius and his friends, as well as other background students, Tom felt strangely unsure of himself. “Good morning,” he greeted the class. “I am Professor Tom Gaunt, Lord Slytherin. I will be taking over the History class, at least until next year.”

A girl in the back raised her hand. “Sir, where is professor Binns?”

Tom sweated. “He, um, died. That is to say, he passed on fully.”

“How, sir?”

“Er-” It would not do for Tom to describe the ball of flame in which Binns had gone up in as part of the exorcism, those things were considered unsavoury for young minds, he found out when he read Chicken Soup for the Soul Magic. “He had completed his purpose in remaining on this plane, and decided to...go on,” he finished lamely, before continuing, “but we should carry on. What did you cover last?”

“The Goblin Wars.”

“Uh huh,” Tom said, making a note. “And before that?”

“The Goblin Wars.”

“And before that?”

“...”

“...”

“The Goblin Wars.”

Tom sighed and looked at the hopeless students in front of him. “Clearly, you are all stupid, but through no fault of your own. We will therefore start with a new unit - The Origins of Magic. Take out your parchments please-”

***

By the end of the class, Tom was bone weary. He flung his head into the floo to whinge at Orion, who was cruelly smirking at his pain. “-and when I asked them about the first elemental magicks, they stared at me, like some ugly dodos!” Tom cried. “They know next to nothing, Orion!”

Taking pity on his spouse, Orion said, “Do you want to borrow some books from the Black library to teach them?”

“Yes please,” Tom grumbled, and waited for Walburga to pass the books through the flames. “Ta, love, that’ll help.”

“Any signs of...evil?” Orion hedged.

“You mean subversive students? No, not yet,” Tom admitted. “Though the Scabior boy was looking at me like I was Slytherin reborn.”

“Scabior?”

“Looks a bit like a wart and a troll got together.”

“They are a vassal house of Dolohov,” Walburga recited from memory. “Poor magic, poor coffers, known for brutality.”

“How are the boys?” Orion asked. At that moment, Sirius head appeared in the flames, directly next to Tom’s. 

“Hey, fam.”

Tom glared at Sirius, who was squished next to him on their side of the flames. “Must you,” he asked dryly. 

“Yup,” Sirius beamed. “How’re things going, dad?”

“Well,” Orion hummed. “It is still early in the pregnancy.”

“Oh how lovely to what that everyone is well!” Regulus squealed, squeezing in on Tom’s other side. Sensing that he was defeated, Tom bore the inquisition with good grace. “When will you start to show, daddy?”

“Erm,” Orion looked at Walburga, the resident uterus-specialist. 

“It depends on the babe,” Wlaburga mused. “You were a small baby, Regulus, I had such an easy time with you. Sirius on the other hand - he was unwieldy and kicked often! He was a hefty child as well, and caused me severe nausea!”

“Sorry not sorry,” Sirius smiled. “But was the pain not worth having me - the bonny, bright apple of your eye?”

Walburga smiled, suddenly soft. Sirius was scared. “Yes,” she said. “It was.”

Sirius blushed a fiery scarlet and noped out of the conversation then, backing out of the fireplace swiftly. Tom breathed a sigh of relief, scooting over to occupy Sirius’ space, but before he could do so, another head joined the fireplace. “Argh,” Tom yelled, as Remus’ head joined them.

“Hello Sir,” he greeted Tom blandly, like unseasoned mash. “Good afternoon, Lord and Lady Black. I’ve just popped in to give this book of accounts to Mr. Cygnus, I’ve gone over it as per his instructions.”

Orion took the book, watching closely as Tom looked massively uncomfortable with the way his hip was probably flush against Remus’ swinging, fantastical hips. “I’ll give it back to him,” Orion said, and Remus nodded gratefully before biffing off. 

No sooner than Remus had left was his place taken by James, and Tom wept openly. “Hullo Lord and Lady Black,” James greeted them. “Mum and dad sent some coconut sweets over, and I remember that Lord Black said that he liked the flavour, so I wanted to pass them on.” Orion grinned at the box that James handed over. He had been having some cravings as of late…

“Excellent, thank you future son-in-law,” Orion beamed, and unbeknownst to him, Tom was melting into a puddle of adoration of his utterly cute husband, and when had he started having such feelings towards other humans? Ah! How sudden the onset of love was!

“Speaking of in-laws,” Tom murmured, “can you please tell Nagini to come to work with me? I have a feeling that her fearsome presence will deter any foolishness from my students.” At Orion and Walburga’s nudging, Nagini slithered through the fireplace, and was immediately rewarded by the sight of her grand-hatchling and several other oddly shaped snakelets.

“Ah it is the hatchling of my heart, if not of my egg sac!” Nagini hissed, slithering speedily towards Regulus, who giggled and picked her up to give her scritches. “How wonderful it is that I find you here! And I see even more hatchlings, oh my, Tom has been busy, he has birthed several hatchlings to soothe the maternal fire in my heart!”

James, who was very skeeved out at the gigantic reptile wrapping around his boyfriend, poked Tom. “Sir, sir is the snake saying something? It’s hissing a lot.”

Luckily, Regulus was on hand to translate. “Oh, don’t worry James! This is Nagini, she is Papa Tom’s mother, and my grandmother!”

Tom put his head in his hands at Regulus soft-hearted idiocy. “Stop encouraging her delusions, son,” he told Regulus. “Students, this is Nagini, she is my very pushy familiar.”

At this, Nagini reared up to her full, fearsome height and displayed her fangs. Peter squeaked and dove behind James with a demanding, ‘protect me!’ and the rest of the students backed away. Only Remus, with his penchant for eating odd things as a creature of the night himself, stood tall in the face of Nagini’s...face. Seeing Remus’ stoicism, Lily felt her heart beating double time. Ah! What a brave man she had!

“Lovely to meet you, Grand Matriarch Slytherin,” Remus said, using her title as if she were Tom’s mother. “I foresee a great bond between us, where we can compare notes about the little delicacies around this castle.” Nagini quirked her head in a clear sign of interest, and Remus continued, leaning forward conspiratorially, “There are a great many cats to be found in the castle, and they are quite the morsel-ow,” Remus subsided, as Lily shrieked and pinched him. 

While Nagini was very pleased at all the fun she was having, Tom focused back on his spousal unit. “I’ll be home for dinner soon,” he promised. 

Orion smiled. “Good-o, see you then.”

Tom looked deviously at him. “Yes. But until then…”

Orion blushed terribly. “There are students present!”

“On the other side of the flames,” Tom whispered evilly. “They will never know.”

“Do it, do it,” Walburga hissed, always glad to see Orion submitting to smut.

“Oh…” Orion leaned down with the intention to give Tom a quick peck, only for the man to move suddenly and nibble his neck. Orion squealed as surprise flooded his body, briefly overwhelming him. Tom quickly disappeared, ostensibly to yell the students out of his office, leaving Orion dazed and with a hickey.

Tom withdrew from the floo, feeling accomplished. “Go away!” He barked at the gathered students, who slowly trickled out, pausing to give an expectant Nagini belly scratches as she lay on her back, sunning herself by the window. 

Tom sighed heavily as he plopped into his chair. What had he gotten himself mixed up in now?

Chapter Text

All too soon, the Christmas holidays were upon them, and Tom had completed more than a month’s worth of lessons. In a moment of brilliance, he hired Myrtle as his teaching assistant, and had so made the girl’s loo on the second floor usable again. Dumbledore now gleamed and twinkled at him when they passed in the halls, and called him things like ‘my dear boy’ and ‘dear Tom’. Tom, of course, ran in the opposite direction.

With the break having just stared, Tom could not wait to get back home to Orion full time. Ah, the things he planned to do, now that he had the time…

Tom walked into the Slytherin dorms, and up to Regulus’ group’s floor. It was still early, and the curtains were closed around the beds, but apparently Rab Lestrange was awake, and poked his tiny bedraggled face out. “Oh, hullo Professor,” he mumbled, and then threw a sock at the bed next to his. “Reg, wake up! Your pa’s here.”

Regulus quickly parted the curtain around his bed and smiled sleepily at Tom. “Morning, Papa Tom. Are you so eager to get home?”

“Incredibly,” Tom nodded. “Your father has been having a hard time of late with the pregnancy, and I would like to be there more often to care for him. Hurry and dress, we’re going to wake Sirius.”

Regulus was a sweet boy, and did as he was told, and packed up his trunk to follow Tom, taking him to Gryffindor Tower. “Hello,” Regulus smiled at the Fat Lady, who rolled her eyes at the obvious Slytherin interloper. “The password is ‘courageous’.”

The Fat Lady peered at him. “Why you bother with the charade is beyond me, when the Potter boy brings you in here so often. Just...come in.”

Regulus tumbled through and climbed up to the fifth floor boys dorm, where the four boys lay fast asleep. Tom looked around for Sirius, and found him shirtless, and on his belly. “Wake up,” Tom hissed, prodding Sirius’ kidney.

Sirius grumbled awake, took one look at Tom, and screamed. “AAAAAAAHHHHH-”

Regulus, ever the enterprising Slytherin, took this as a chance to gently blow into James ear to get him to rouse him. James opened his eyes and smiled blearily at Regulus. He could get used to this, he thought, being awoken in the mornings with his love’s sweet smile-

But then Tom was whisking both Sirius and Regulus away, leaving James bereft of brother and love. Lonely, he looked around to see Remus sleeping like a log. Craving warmth, James pushed his bed to join Remus’ and cuddling closer, went back to sleep.

He would write to Sirius later, preferably when he stopped screaming.

***

“-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-”

“For heaven’s sake, Sirius,” Orion grumbled, and Sirius shut his mouth with a snap.

“Hey dad, thought I was being kidnapped. Didn’t expect to be stabbed in the kidney and then whisked away,” he said, addressing Tom now.

Tom snorted. “It’s your fault for sleeping shirtless, like a plebian.”

“Well, it’s your fault for having talons instead of nails!”

Orion ignored the two squabbling geese and turned to Regulus, who was being showered with Kreacher’s unique brand of affection. “Hello Regulus.”

Regulus’ eyes lit up. “Oh Daddy! It’s so good to see you! And you are showing!”

Sirius and Tom both stopped sniping at each other to gawk at Orion’s gut. “Y- yo- you’re-” Tom’s refined vocabulary suddenly dried up as he stared at the bump that he had not noticed before. “Orion,” he breathed softly, full of wonder, his hand reaching out unbidden. Orion allowed the touch, amused at Tom’s wonderment.

Sirius looked similarly gobsmacked. Suddenly, the reality of his twisted little family came upon him like an avalanche. “B- b- baby,” he said, pointing.

Orion raised a perfect eyebrow at his son’s inarticulate observation. “Yes, baby,” he confirmed, then held his arm out for Regulus to have a feel. “It’s quite early yet, but male pregnancies are usually helped along by potions, so this acceleration is expected.”

Tom was still staring, enraptured, at the idea that there was a baby- his baby - in Orion’s stomach. Tom was going to be a father of a baby - who would look like him, and have his blood, and speak parseltongue, and hopefully take after Regulus’ mannerisms.

It was all a bit overwhelming.

“I- I must sit,” Tom said weakly, and plopped onto the sofa, while Orion settled opposite him.

“Honestly Tom, I did not take you for such a delicate petal. Regulus, Sirius, go and unpack before breakfast, and then Sirius will have his Heir studies-”

“Alas, I am to suffer once more under the burden of mine own responsibilities-!”

“Oh for the love of Circe,” Orion muttered, gesturing for Regulus to take his brother upstairs. If theatre was not considered a plebian pursuit, Orion would have seriously considered having Sirius take part. Now alone, he looked at his husband. “Tom.”

Tom looked dazedly at him. “Eh?”

Orion bit his lip, as it was not his habit to be so forward. But he had not seen Tom apart from rushed dinners over the past month, and he could feel the need for something...more. “I believe,” he said carefully, “that I have need to...hold congress with you regarding some rather...intimate issues.”

Tom’s gaze sharpened at Orion’s words, and once again, Orion felt the heat of Tom’s undivided attention, the sharp dissection that Tom’s clever eyes cut through his flowery words as though all of his subterfuge was for naught-

Tom smiled, and Orion felt the familiar flutter of dragonflies in his stomach as Tom inched closer, his smile now clearly predatory. Oh dear. “Congress, you said?” Tom crooned, his hands sliding up and around Orion’s back, suddenly pulling him close. Orion squeaked in surprise, Tom was going to take him right here on the sofa, but Orion ached, ached for his touch for so long-

Orion felt several things at once - heat, tingliness, that sweet ache in his body crying out for Tom, Tom, Tom-

“Oh dear lord,” Orion muttered shakily, having come back to his senses, with Tom smiling smugly at him. “Good heavens, Tom. We could have at least gone to the bedroom,” he said weakly.

“And miss this reaction? Never,” Tom smirked, and cast a quick cleaning charm. Then, he brightened. “Do you want to have a bath?”

“What, with you?” Orion quavered. “How can you possibly be up for it already?”

Tom smiled, looking at Orion through his unfairly long eyelashes. “It is easy, when one’s partner is laid out like such a banquet.”

Orion ran off to bathe alone, leaving Tom basking in his own prowess. Being married was great.

***

Over dinner, Orion found that he had very little appetite. “It’s nothing,” Walburga said calmly, shoving roast chicken into her own maw, “just the pregnancy. Besides, you have the nutritive potions, which will help keep up your strength.”

“I think that I have never apologized for putting you through this twice,” Orion grumbled contritely.

Walburga chewed consideringly, and looked over at Regulus and Sirius, the latter of whom felt a wave of ice wash over him at the same moment. “You needn’t apologize,” she murmured. “Motherhood is nice.” Shaking herself out of her brief moment of affection, she rounded on Tom. “How are the boys doing in school, Tom?”

Tom looked up, tearing his eyes away from the little bump in Orion’s tummy. For all of his incredible intellect, he was still flummoxed as to how it came to be. “Eh? Oh.” Tom peered at his stepsons, one clearly more beloved than the other. “They’re doing fine. Sirius, I heard, procrastinates on his homework.”

Walburga’s gaze snapped to Sirius, whose jaw was slack at the betrayal that he had experienced. “Sirius Orion! Is this true!”

“No!” Sirius squeaked.

“Yes it is,” Regulus piped up. “I’m always around, I know the truth. He waits until the previous night to do assignments.”

“And what is your practice, sweetling?” Orion asked, while Sirius chafed at the favoritism.

“Oh, I do bits and bobs of each subject every day. That way, I don’t have to rush and depend on Remus’ notes, nice handwriting though he does have.”

“Thank you,” Remus demurred from the opposite side of the table, and Orion glared half-heartedly at him. Once again, Remus had ended up spending part of his holidays with them, this time at Cygnus’ behest. Orion was onto him though - he knew that Cygnus was secretly glad at having a son-like child after three daughters with varying states of sanity and evilness. It made for a nice change to have a boy with not a cruel bone in his body and the personality of lightly broiled sausage. “I should be glad to lend you my notes any time, Reg. At least you do not whinge about my use of cursive.”

“It is superior to the blockish printing style,” Cygnus sniffed in agreement. “Print ought to be reserved for the newspapers and toddlers.”

“They are also far more sophisticated and romantic,” Remus added.

“Speaking of romance, aren’t you going to see Lily’s parents tomorrow?” Sirius asked, eager to change the topic.

Remus nodded. “I am. Severus is going to pick me up at the station, where I presume he will threaten me in a brotherly manner once more. I have already picked up flowers and wine for the Evanses, I am sure everything will be fine.”

Cygnus looked worried. “As fine as things can be in a muggle neighbourhood!” He crowed. “What if one of those ghastly cars runs you over? What if one of them recognizes you for a wizard? Or worse, a werewolf!”

“Oh, do not fret, sir,” Remus said gently. “People are generally careful while driving, and I shall be vigilant while crossing the street. And while Lily’s sister is sure to be absolutely ghastly, I am quite sure that I can weather that storm. Besides, I’ll be with Severus, who is, I am told, quite the character in town.”

“Oh?” Orion said sharply. “What of Sirius’ paramour?”

“Severus is a rather brilliant chap, but he is a bit tetchy. He has a bit of a reputation about being cruel to people who strike him wrong.”

Orion nodded approvingly. That casual cruelty would serve him well in keeping Sirius’ enemies in check. This was an excellent trait in a Black spouse.

Case in point - Walburga.

And the less said about Tom, the better.

“Well,” Cygnus hummed, still unsure, “I shall drop you off at the station. Just to make sure that the muggles are well behaved.”

“Hen,” Orion coughed into his hand, as Cygnus glared at him.

“Odd that you would call me a hen, brother, when in a few months it is you who will waddle like poultry - so large will your abdomen swell!”

Orion glared. “How dare you call me a fat chicken!”

“Bok bok bok.”

Tom looked amused at the conversation before turning and speaking quietly to Remus. “Take Cygnus with you. It will do you well to present someone from your side who commands respect. Clearly, those who do not know Cygnus will think that he is some sort of posh nobility.”

“He is from posh nobility though,” Remus remarked.

“Yes, but he is also an accountant,” Tom replied, as though this was in any way a justification. “Cygnus was placed into our third year arithmancy course in his first year, because he was ‘gifted’ with numbers. In reality, he is but a little swot.”

And so it was decided that Remus and Cygnus would go to the muggle world, and breathe the muggle air, take muggle transport, and sit on muggle sofas. Cygnus’ wife fretted at this influx of the unknown.

“Oh, it’s not so bad,” Tom reassured her. “At least they’re not bombing London anymore.”

The rest of the dinner was spent with Tom hastily mollifying a horrified batch of purebloods and a house elf. Things passed rather quickly, after that.

***

Remus’ courtship of Lily was a success, as was begrudgingly reported by Snape. The Evans - including Petunia, the eternal shrew - had loved the mild-mannered, soft spoken werewolf.

The traditional Brazilian alcoholic brew that Remus had presented to the Evans patriarch had gone a long way, certainly.

Each member of the family - including the mysterious Seth Evans, who stood out from the family with his black hair, mean eyes, and hooked nose - took turns interrogating the unflappable Remus, who passed their questioning with flying colours.

Cygnus, who had gone with Remus to ‘protect him’, had ended up being so taken with the muggle decor that he had purchased a toaster.

“See, Walburga, how quickly it produces toast, and not a bit burnt!”

“I don’t care!” Walburga shrieked, hiding behind Tom, “I am not having a muggle bread-machine spitting crumbs at me in my house!”

Happily, Cygnus was able to sneak it into his own house, where he could have perfectly burnt bread in peace. Not that he had much chance to use the machine - when he had gone to drop Remus home, he had gotten a tad lost in Wales, and had not returned for a week. Eventually, Walburga had to allow the toaster into the house, when Orion’s morning sickness kicked in full-swing, and it transpired that the only thing that he could stomach was toast.

The reality of Orion’s condition hit home to Tom when he saw his husband bundled under the covers, sickly and eating bread. Tom felt a sharp pain in his sternum at the sight - what was happening to him? He rubbed at his breastbone to alleviate any gas, but the pain lingered. Was this, then, empathy? Ah! What had marriage done to him!

“How are you feeling, Orion?” Tom asked gently.

Orion turned to him with red eyes. “I am feeling poorly, and I am needlessly emotional. I do not want the boys to go back to Hogwarts - I want them to stay home with me.”

As though summoned by his father’s distress, Regulus waddled in hurriedly. “Oh, daddy! It is your hormones wreaking havoc across your mindscape! What can I do to help you?” he asked, hugging his father.

Seeing Orion settle, Tom stormed out and found Sirius in the library, and dragged him, kicking and screaming, to Orion’s bedside. “Comfort your father,” Tom growled at the boy.

“Okay!” Sirius cried. “You didn’t have to manhandle me!”

“I want little else than for your father to feel better, and if I have to sweep the floor with you, then so be it,” Tom snarled back.

“I bet you wouldn’t threaten Regulus like this!”

“I don’t have to - Regulus is akin to an affection-seeking missile, and is constantly seeking to placate people.”

“This is a product of our childhood where he had to mollify our mum’s whirlwind temper, it is a defensive mechanism,” Sirius enlightened him.

Tom cruelly shoved Sirius over to Orion, wherein he crawled over to the other side and shimmied under the covers. Orion looked curiously at Sirius, silently questioning his sudden familiarity.

“My toes are cold,” Sirius explained, “and you have a heated blanket.”

“You do realize,” Orion said slowly, “that that is where Tom sleeps.”

“Argh, ew, not even the sweetest perfumes of Arabia will cleanse these sheets now,” Sirius cried, and shimmied closer to Orion, still unwilling to give up on his quest to warm his toes. Orion looked surprised at Sirius’ willingness to be close to him, but felt a warm glow of happiness. Not every teenage boy would be so open with his affections. After all, not everyone was Regulus.

“I like this,” Orion said, smiling gently, and Tom felt a warm seed in his chest rupture and fill his previously cold, hollow, cavity with warmth and a fullness that even Walburga’s massive knockers straining her corset could not achieve. Orion smiled at Tom, who could have combusted with happiness. Ah, he was becoming a soft, married man!

“Oh, daddy! I hate the thought of leaving you in your condition!” Regulus fretted. “Mum will be overwhelmed with only she and Kreacher here!”

“Mum is a very strong woman,” Orion murmured, “and she has lasted out several storms,” he said, recalling Sirius’ toddlerhood. God, but what a nightmare he was, unlike little sweet Regulus, who was always content to sit beside his mum and dad quietly, and occasionally seek cuddles.

Orion really, really hoped that this baby took after Regulus.

“I don’t want to leave either,” Tom sighed heavily, “but I must return to make sure that none of those dimwit dark lord aspirants threaten the boys again.”

“You make sure that Regulus is safe-”

“What about me!” Sirius cried at the unfairness of it all. “Why is it, when you wish for nice things to happen, you think only of Regulus?”

“Because he is small and sweet-tempered and fae, while you are loud and cruel,” Orion said astutely. “Really Sirius, you are very like your mother that way.”

A pin drop could have been heard as Sirius’ eyes widened at the horrible truth of the statement. “No,” he wheezed.

Orion looked befuddled. “Come now, surely you must realize that you are far more like Walburga than you are like me.”

“Noo,” Sirius wept.

“You are just as loud, cruel, and bombastic as she,” Orion continued ruthlessly. “You may look like me, but really, your temperament comes from your mother.”

Sirius convulsed as the bitter truth tore through his body, and he slumped to the side, defeated. Regulus giggled and poked his hip. “Wake up, Sirius. Honestly, I can’t believe that you didn’t realize sooner.” Sirius twitched, but otherwise did not move.

“You’ll have to move eventually,” Tom said meanly. “We are going back to Hogwarts this evening.”

Sirius flopped around haphazardly. “Oh well. Bye then dad, little baby,” he said, talking to Orion’s tiny tummy.

It took a little more effort to prise Regulus away from his family, but eventually, Tom managed to shove both boys into the floo and back to Hogwarts. They had to use the headmaster’s floo, as Tom’s offices were closed for the break. Tom had to endure several moments of idle chitchat and Albus’ glittering gaze before he could run off and hide in his office while Regulus and Sirius went off to find their friends.

Alone once more, Tom sighed at the feeling of loneliness. Had one person, one family, changed him this much? Maybe so. But, Tom mused, it was not all bad.

Chapter Text

The mood at Hogwarts had taken a swift turn and there was a noticeably more tense air in the school. More than once, Tom had heard whispers of how Bellatrix had had the right idea.

Tom was very swift and brutal in dealing with them, but even he could stop the machinations of seventh years. Instead, he channeled his energies into ensuring that his shiny, new, family would be safe. One afternoon, Tom summoned Regulus and Sirius to his office. They were, of course, trailed by the rest of the lemmings.

“Why,” Tom asked, when his sons were followed by Lily, Remus, James, Peter, Rab, Barty, and Severus.

“Well, we were wondering that ourselves, sir,” James replied. “Why’ve you called us here?”

“I called Regulus and Sirius, as is my right as their father. I did not realize that this would be dispersed via your hive mind.”

“Papa Tom,” Regulus interrupted from where Nagini was coiled around him on the rug, “why did you call us?”

Tom sighed. “I summoned you to warn you to be careful, watchful, for I have overheard several sentiments that echo Bellatrix’s special brand of lunacy. Regulus, you must be especially vigilant, being betrothed to a known Light family.”

“Oh Papa Tom!” Regulus bleated, “How deeply you care for us! Of course, we will be wary. But is there anything that we can actually do to protect ourselves?”

“I am a big believer in being prepared,” Tom said. “I will need your cooperation to help prepare our defenses. Safe houses, advanced runic wards, duelling practice - Snape, let go of my arm - I will prepare you.”

And so it began.

Tom took Lily, Regulus, and Barty to teach advanced warding to, as this was the nerdiest of jobs, and bid Remus, Peter, and Rab to practise advanced healing methods - both magical and muggle. “Stitches,” Tom demonstrated to a horrified Rab, “are very efficient at rejoining skin, even when a dermato reparo might fail.”

Severus, Sirius, and James were taken aside to be taught Tom’s own brand of duelling. “Stepfather,” Sirius said after a gruelling lesson, “all these spells strike me as extremely dark.”

“Yes, and?”

“They’re not exactly… legal,” James hazarded.

“Mm hmm.”

“Dark majicks draw upon the power of the soul,” Sirius added, “making the spells highly volatile and destructive, owing to the untamable energy of said soul.”

“I know this,” Tom said. “Why are you telling me things that I know already? Gi and practice that blood boiling curse that I taught you. Remember, the incantation is-“

“Sanguina Exothermus,” Sirius and James grumbled, as Tom beamed.

Severus, on the other hand, was everything Tom expected and more. “I have come up with some of my own spells,” Severus said one day, passing a notebook to Tom, who wept tears of joy upon reading the contents.

“Truly, you are as evile as they say,” Tom praised. “Sirius could not have done better than you as a spouse, you will be a credit to the House of Black with your innate cruelty.”

“I also have devised an entrail expelling potion,” Snape added.

“This is remarkable,” Tom said appreciatively, looking over the recipe. “Fantastic work, I know of several people that I can use this on.”

“Thank you,” Snape demurred, and went to make eyes at Sirius, whose chest was now heaving in barely restrained lust for Snape’s genius. The minute Snape walked over, Sirius flung himself into his arms.

“How your brain must pulsate, with your genius!” Sirius marvelled, while Snape smirked.

“Ick,” James muttered, and went to Regulus to be soothed, only to find Regulus busy with drawing runes, and therefore was left bereft. James was looking for an angle to get close to his bunny-like beloved, but was once again deterred by the arrival of Tom, the Evil Stepfather-in-law.

“Problem, Potter?”

“Nah,” James said, putting on a brave face. “Just admiring Reg’s… runes.”

Tom looked sourly at him. “That had better be all that you were admiring.”

James gulped and desperately sought to steer the conversation to safer waters. “Er, it's good of you to help us with all this.”

Tom sniffed haughtily. “Not too long ago, I might have been of the same mind as Bellatrix. However, I was made to see that I would not be happy in that way, and I found contentment in making a family - the one thing I could never have had organically.”

“Oh. I’m sorry about your, um, organs, sir.”

Tom glared at James for his faux pas. “My organs are fine. Proof is in the pudding - or rather, my soon to be child.” Tom paused. “I really hope that it is a girl. I think I would like a daughter.”

“Oh. Why?”

“I look forward to eliminating her suitors.”

James looked curiously at Tom, who had retreated to his evil daydreams. What an odd, odd man he was. “I don’t think I can figure you out, sir.”

“You don’t need to,” Tom hummed. “Just know this - what I have now, I aim to never let slip from my fingers.” He paused and looked at James. “As should you.”

James nodded, for once on the same wavelength as his formidable in-law. “Yeah.” He looked at Regulus, his tongue poking out between his teeth as he concentrated on spinning the magic around his runes. Suddenly, a wave of gold sparkles burst from his wand, signalling his success, and Regulus looked at James with his eyes alight.

“Whatever it takes.”

***

The weeks carried on in this manner, with Tom coaching his little posse, Severus attaining new heights of evil, Rab squealing in horror at muggle medical procedures, and James working double time to learn every single curse that Tom taught them.

But all the preparation in the world could not have prepared them for when the hammer fell.

Tom woke with a start in the middle of the night when he felt his matrimonial bond in distress. He raced to the floo, his clothes askew, and flung himself through, without a care as to his own safety, only to find-

“Oh Tom, you’re here, good,” Walburga said, her smile strained.

Tom stumbled into the living room, which was witness to what must have been a prolific battle. As it was, there was a hand on the carpet. “Bellatrix tried to enter the house,” Walburga said matter-of-factly. “We chased her off, of course-“

“You severed her hand, don’t be modest, love,” Orion praised. Tom rushed to him, one hand already reaching for the now prominent belly. “Don’t worry, Tom,” Orion soothed him, “we’re alright. Bella brought some backup, but we dispatched of them before we cut her hand.”

Walburga sniffed. “A hand. Pah! I ought to have aimed for the head.” Walburga looked properly worried. “I just… she saw Orion’s belly, and must have made the connection, Tom, now she knows, and I can’t bear the thought of her going after little Poppet-“

“Poppet?”

Walburga paused. “Oh. Yes, we were going to tell you on the weekend. It’s… it’s a girl, we found out this afternoon. I’ve been calling her Poppet, I was thinking of a pet name for Pompeya-“

“A- a girl,” Tom whispered. “Pompeya? For…”

“Lavish, grand,” Orion said. “Our girl will want for nothing. She will be a figure that is larger than life - so grand will her actions be, that all will be in awe of her.”

“Poppet,” Walburga said stoutly. “At home, to us, she will be Poppet.”

Tom did not return to Hogwarts immediately, but continued to fret over Orion, whose condition was delicate. “The dark majicks in the reductor curse may have drained you,” Tom henned at his husband, who was as healthy as a horse.

“Go back to Hogwarts, Tom,” Walburga ordered. “Look after the boys.”

“Make sure that Snape stays with Sirius,” Orion suggested. “Sirius is more likely to be targeted as the Black Heir, and the Snape boy is very… vicious. Lupin should stay with Regulus, this I insist. Lupin has unnatural skills at subterfuge, and he can keep Regulus safe.”

Tom nodded. “I will see it done.” He paused, then groaned. “Hogsmeade weekend is coming up - what a to-do it will be.”

“They dare not attack the village!” Walburga gasped. “After Bellatrix’s last attempt, it is warded against her! Her cronies will not act without her power, surely.”

Just then, a pop sounded at their knees, announcing everyone’s favorite sentient lipoma. “Kreacher has returned.”

“What ho, Kreacher,” Orion greeted his elf. “Did you take out the trash?”

“Kreacher has buried the trash under the ramparts of the old Black Castle.”

Tom looked questioningly at his spousal unit. “The henchmen, I assume?”

There was some hemming and hawing from Orion, but Walburga looked delighted. “Dead as some dodos, nothing to worry about there! Orion cast a reduto to their chests, nailed them both with one curse! It was fabulous!”

“Ugh,” Orion cribbed, more genteel than his wife, “I saw their viscera. It was terrible, gave me nausea.”

“Could have just been the pregnancy, dear.”

“True, true.”

Walburga whirled around to pin Tom with an authoritative gaze. “Back to Hogwarts with you! You will need to be on hand to tell the boys not to worry, otherwise poor Regulus will fret something terrible, and Sirius will try and find Bellatrix himself, the little fool.”

“Yes dear,” Tom grumbled, and with a parting gaze full of meaning, leapt back through the floo. Emerging in his quiet, orderly quarters, Tom sighed and sat in a heap on the hearth. As though sensing his distress, Nagini woke and slithered over.

“Why issss your heart heavy, Tom?” Nagini hissed, twining herself around her bipedal son’s torso in the best hug that she could give.

Tom stayed silent for a while, allowing Nagini to hold him and comfort him as no one else could. “I… my nessst was attacked today,” he hissed. “My mates defended themselvesss well, but I feel…”

Nagini took a moment to think before replying, “Thisss is normal. You want to defend your matesss and hatchlings. Focusss on what you can do now, not what happened in the passst. Make sure that our nest is sssafe.”

Unbidden tears sprung to Tom’s eyes. “I… argh! I shouldn’t feel this way! I-“

“You cannot ssstop your heart from being a heart,” Nagini admonished him gently. “What does it want?”

“I want my hatchlings,” Tom murmured. “I want to see them safe.”

“Reasonable,” Nagini hissed wisely. “Go and see them.”

With his mother’s reassurance, Tom got up on shaky legs and waddled first to the Gryffindor common room, which opened up to a teacher’s authority. Tom cracked opened the door to the sixth year boys’ rooms, and nearly shat himself when he was greeted by a pair of luminescent yellow eyeballs.

Having regained control of his sphincters after the scare, Tom walked in with the eyeballs following him. “Lupin, why are you not asleep?” he asked quietly.

“I was,” Remus replied lowly. “I scented you coming in, and woke up. Is something wrong?”

Tom shook his head as he sat down at the edge of Sirius’ bed. “Not anymore. It could have been. I just… I needed to see the boys.”

“Yooo,” Sirius’ sleepy voice added itself to the room, “step-pop? What’s going on?”

“Bellatrix and some henchmen broke into Grimmauld Place,” Tom informed him. “Do not worry, everyone is alright, your mum actually severed Bella’s hand.”

“Good-o,” Sirius praised, even as he willed his heart to stop being arrhythmic. “What about dad, and baby?”

“Both fine,” Tom confirmed. “I… wanted to see you boys, to make sure that you are alright.”

Sirius raised himself on his elbows and looked quizzically at Tom. “You can say that you love us, you know. I mean, everyone knows already.”

“Hush, one must not bandy one’s emotions thusly.”

“Oh my god,” Sirius groaned at the typical Slytherin mindset. “Have you seen Reg yet?”

Tom shook his head. “I came to see you first. I wanted to… have you both in my quarters tonight. I will send you up early, so as not to embarrass you-“

“Mmkay,” Sirius yawned, and stumbled out of bed. Tom watched the boy scratch his stomach gracelessly, and marvelled at the easy trust that had grown between them. Egads, but Tom was having An Emotion again, he ought to quash it with the classic British temperament.

“Jolly good,” Tom said regally, and led the way down to the Slytherin dorms, where upon sneaking in, they found Regulus fast asleep, looking like some species of puffeskein.

“Gross,” Sirius muttered. “Reg, wake up.”

Regulus blinked awake, but did not move. “Oh, hello. Is everything alright?”

“Everything is fine for now,” Tom reassured him. “I will explain everything tomorrow, but I want to take you with me tonight to stay in my quarters. For my peace of mind.”

“Oh. Alright,” Regulus smiled, and woke up, revealing that he had, in fact, been sleeping with a knife.

“The hell, Reg,” Sirius gawked.

“It is for protection,” Regulus wheedled. “I have been absorbing all of Papa Tom’s lessons! Remember what he said - a knife in bed, may save your head!”

Sirius rounded on Tom, who was looking proudly on. “That is a terrible rhyme, I forbid you from singing lullabies to the new baby, I will do so instead.”

Tom shrugged, and chivvied the boys back to his chambers, his arms and heart full. As soon as they entered, Regulus made a beeline to a hissing Nagini, who curled up gladly with her warm, squishy, grandbabe.

“Right, that’s great,” Tom muttered, “now where will I- what are you doing here!” Tom squealed, having just noticed Remus standing beside Sirius.

Remus blinked placidly before replying, “You never told me to go away - besides, I thought that I might protect Regulus or Sirius in the event of something untoward happening.”

“Oh Rem,” Sirius sighed, “you’re so dumb. If anything were to happen, wouldn’t we protect you too? You’re just as precious to me as anyone in this room.”

Remus, for once, was speechless at Sirius’ frank affection. “I- surely-“

“You, Reg, James, Pete - I don’t see a difference between you. You’re all a part of my heart.”

“Enough!” Tom hissed. “Are you British or not! Cease this waterfall of sloppy emotion at once! Lupin! You can take the couch, it is quite squishy.”

“Thank you, sir,” Remus said, slowly recovering from being validated.

“Sirius, you were supposed to take the couch, but seeing as it is occupied, you can sleep next to your chum.”

“You want us to smush together on the couch?” Sirius asked. “But what if our winkies touch?”

“That, or kip next to me.”

“Remus, has anyone told you that you have the most pillowy pectorals, old pal?”

Tom rolled his eyes and retreated to his room, making sure to keep the door open to the sitting room, where he could see the boys. It wasn’t ideal, he thought, as he saw all three of them fall asleep, but it would do for now.

***

The attack on the Blacks was public knowledge the next morning, and Regulus and Sirius weathered the sympathy and worried glances of their peers with fortitude. “Poor thing,” Mary MacDonald cooed, and patted Regulus’ little head, prompting several more girls to follow suit. No one thought to pat Sirius’ head - no one at all.

Tom resembled nothing short of a thundercloud. After publicly swearing vengeance and death to all those who would hurt his family, he stalked into his chambers to seethe and plot, only to be intercepted by Dumbledore for their weekly staff meeting.

“Hogsmeade weekend will have extra security, owing to the blatant attacks by Bellatrix Black and her henchmen,” Dumbledore announced to the staff, and looking meaningfully at Tom. “I will also ask for staff volunteers to patrol the village - thank you Hagrid, Minerva- ah, I assume you will want to be there yourself, Tom?”

“Of course,” Tom nodded shortly.

“Muggleborn students should be discreetly advised to not be alone when outside the school,” Albus said. “Personal protective measures are also encouraged, such as potions, in the form of those Mr. Snape circulates in his illegal potions ring. What, precisely, has he been brewing?”

Slughorn, who knew perfectly well that Severus ran an underground potions business, attempted to look confused and pure and unknowing. Failing that, he threw up his hands. “Oh alright! He brews wiggenweld potion, and a few migraine potions. His biggest market is the NEWT and OWL students. Honestly, it’s not doing any harm-“

“Wiggenweld is a strong healing draught,” Albus noted. “Excellent! Tell Mr. Snape that I will pay him market price for a large order, enough for two hundred students.”

Slughorn beamed. “Why Albus, you will make the boy’s day!”

Albus chuckled. “I’m sure. But as it stands, I hope that it will be enough.”

***

Hogsmeade weekend dawned bright and clear, but Tom’s heart housed a veritable maelstrom of foreboding and paranoia.

“Does everyone have their protective measures with them?” Tom fretted.

“Yes pop-pop,” Sirius said, grinning at the flinch that the nickname elicited. “Evil amulets-“

“Those are warded stones that cast a shield bubble around the wearer-“

“-evil potions-“

“Sedation draughts are not inherently evil, and wiggenweld is certainly not. However, there is the argument for spells and potions like Exsanguinus being evil, but honestly. It has nothing on the Mollusca Excreta. Anything that causes forced mucus excretions are not only disgusting, but also-“

“-evil spells-“

“Oh, well. Yes.” At Sirius baleful stare, Tom shrugged. “What? They’re effective.” And fun, Tom thought privately, knowing that his ideas were shared by Severus.

“I’m only doing this so that you and dad don’t have a conniption,” Sirius grumbled.

“Thank you,” Tom said magnanimously, chivvying his gaggle of ducklings out into the village. “Remember, stay away from desolate places - like Dumbledore’s brother’s hovel - or overly populated places. Stay within sight of each other, Lupin, stay close to Sirius. Snape, stay with Regulus and Rabastan, would you? Evans, you too-“

“Step-pop, relax,” Sirius drawled. “Honestly, nothing will happen.”

Words more false had never been spoken.

***

Two hours into the Hogsmeade visit, havoc shook the village. A demented shriek of rage was the only warning the residents had before the florist’s shop exploded, sending stone and glass everywhere.

Regulus, Lily, and Rabastan were just behind them. “Lily, you mustn’t be seen with us,” Regulus said hurriedly, “they know who you are, Bella will have told them. If she is truly after the family, you will become a target!”

“I’m a target no matter what!” Lily seethed. “I’m not leaving you!”

“And neither am I,” Snape said lowly. His mildly discomfiting presence alone soothed everyone’s tensions. “Luckily, we have a trick or two up my sleeve.” He looked at his unlikely group of friends. “Quick, into the alley.”

Barricaded into a small alleyway, James pulled out a vial of shining liquid. “Do you all trust me?”

“As a potioneer?” Lily asked. “No.”

“Severus made the potion,” James wheedled.

The jarring admittance of a Potter-Snape collaboration silenced even the most skeptical person. Finally, Remus spoke. “This is momentous. We trust that you two allied together to protect your loved ones.”

“We need to get Bellatrix away from the village,” Snape said hurriedly, raising his voice as another explosion rocked a nearby building. “She is a threat to several hundred people right now. We need to lure her away.”

“So we’re…aurors now,” Peter said hesitantly.

“No, Pete,” Sirius corrected him, “we’re volunteer aurors, get it right, old chap. No one is paying us.”

“Right you are,” Peter concurred. Then, “Oh, that’s worse.”

From the silence that followed, Rabastan voiced the concern that no one else would. “I’m scared,” he confessed, his voice small.

“I am too,” Barty replied. “But the loud Gryffs are right, Rab. If we can do something about her now, we should do it. I certainly don’t want to live in fear of her anymore, and neither should you have to!”

Seeing Barty’s squeaky determination, Rab was moved, and his spirit bolstered. “Okay,” he agreed, as he accepted his role. “I’m in.”

Snape smiled - it was truly unnerving. “Excellent. Let us take this bitch out for good.”

***

Meanwhile, Tom was having a moment, having sailed towards the disturbance, intent on doing a murder or three. His kids were there, his sons, and those ugly ducklings that followed him everywhere-

It was an incensed Tom Gaunt that found his one time protégée, visibly mad and deranged. “You promised me!” Bellatrix shrieked, pointing at Tom. Her madness was such that even her henchmen flinched away slightly. “You said that I was right, that you would back me, choose me over anything else!”

“You are delusional,” Tom said coldly, and fired off the first curse. “I made my choice a long time ago. It was never you.”

Bellatrix snarled and fought back with the desperation and rage of a madwoman. Tom cursed inwardly, stopping himself from using his worst spells in front of witnesses, who were even now cowering against the walls. Not only did he have to defeat Bellatrix, but he had to protect the crowd from hers and her henchmen’s wayward spells, which she was deliberately aiming at them. If Tom’s attention was split-

Bellatrix sensed his conundrum and fired into the crowd of petrified, trapped people, and laughed viciously, only for her spell to dissipate. Her would-be victim, an older gentleman, looked shocked, but Peter stepped forward, his warded amulet glowing and forming a protective sphere around the pair.

Tom whipped around and saw all around him, glowing circles of protection springing up. He recognized the glow of the amulets, and saw Lily, Rabastan, and Regulus in the crowd, their hands dripping with their own blood that they had used to activate their rune shields. Tom’s heart leapt to his throat at seeing his ducklings slowly emerge from the crowd.

“You can’t hurt anyone here,” Potter spoke, his voice carrying. “We have shed our blood here to protect our own. You have no power here now.”

Bellatrix screamed, incandescent in her rage. She fired wildly, but in vain, as a shield sprung up to intercept her spell. “You!” She shrieked, turning to Tom. “You did this!”

“I did,” Tom admitted happily. “Good work, I say, you’re all getting Outstandings on your NEWTs.”

“I’ll see you dead for what you did to me!” Bellatrix screamed.

“Oh, I wish you would try,” Tom said hopefully. Maybe then he could get away with using the killing curse and cry self defence later.

“Stay away from my papa!” Regulus cried, and brandished his wand, unleashing a sinister burst of black flame. Tom threw himself out of the way, and still managed to be impressed by his strawberry son’s propensity for calling on the Dark Majicks.

“You! You little traitor!” Bella fired wildly, and was met with a wall of resistance from James, Sirius, and Snape, who looked thrilled to try out some of his worst spells.

“Allow me, please,” Snape said, and cried, “sectumsempra!”

A large laceration bloomed across Bellatrix’s face and she howled in pain, humiliation, and rage. “You’ll pay for that, you mudblood brat!”

Bellatrix aimed her next spell at Severus, who threw up a shield a second too late, and he realized it as the spell hurtled towards him. This was it, this was the end-

Severus’ world was blinded in a flash of light and a grunt of pain, and as the light cleared, he saw Sirius doubled over in front of him, his arm spontaneously seeming to unravel to the bone. “NO!” Severus roared, his hoarse yell tearing out from his throat, his arms already around a crumbling Sirius.

“That’s my son, you harridan!” Tom screamed, and throwing caution to the wind, joined the battle with no care as to maintaining a mask. He was fighting to kill now, and everybody knew it. Bella’s goons quickly made to scamper, unwilling to share her fate, only to be stopped at the end of Rabastan Lestrange’s wand.

“I may not be much,” Rab admitted, “but I can do a bloody good Exsanguinus curse.” And he was off, making Tom and probably his evil brother very proud when he would later find out.

“Evacuate the room!” Remus called to the huddled and frightened public, using his perfect voice to full effect, washing into the crowd to physically carry armfuls of small children and elderly ladies out.

Meanwhile, Severus was crouched over Sirius, who was looking pale and wan from the blood loss at losing his arm. “Black you monumental fool,” Severus whispered, running wordless diagnostic spells on his boyfriend, “what have you done?”

Sirius' eyes cracked open a smidgen, and he rasped out, “I would have done it any day for you… my toned tangerine.”

“You are impossible,” Snape snapped, and physically hefted Sirius into his arms to carry him out. “Potter, Regulus, cover me!”

James turned, and with a slight flinch, unleashed a mollusca excreta curse at a thug who was feeling particularly brave. The aftermath of the spell had several people gagging and retching, and James truly appreciated the evile core of Tom’s spellcasting.

In a normal situation, Severus would have gushed about such marvellous spellcasting, but as it was, he was cradling Sirius in his arms, running charm after diagnostic charm to check his health. “Black you fool, stay awake!” Severus barked, panicking. “Don’t you dare die! You can’t!”

Sirius, to his horror, smiled serenely. “Don’t be mad, Sev,” he croaked. “I won’t die on you. To think, I’d never see your throbbing pe-“

“Black!”

“-pectorals again,” Sirius finished innocently, before breaking into a coughing fit.

“Hush, save your energy,” Severus soothed him as best he could.

Seeing her cousin suffering, Bellatrix cackled gleefully. “Die, die you shame upon my blood! Consorting with scum, you deserve to lose every last drop-!”

Tom saw red. “That,” he said quietly, “is quite enough out of you.”

“What will you do?” Bella jeered. “You’ve gone soft, like one of them! You can’t so anything - you can’t stop me, and you can’t save him!”

“I can certainly do at least one,” Tom countered. “Avada kedavra.”

A flash of green, a roaring wind, and it was over. Bellatrix fell, dead before she hit the ground. Tom did not give her a second thought, however, as he practically flew to Sirius’ side. “Where is the injury?” Tom demanded.

“Hey pops,” Sirius smiled weakly. “You really do love me, huh?”

“Shut up and save your energy, you awful brat child,” Tom panicked.

“He will survive,” Severus said quietly, interrupting Tom, who looked incredulously at him.

“He will survive a disembowelment curse!? How on earth-“

“It didn’t hit him full on,” Snape said. “It got his arm, and I’ve stopped the curse from spreading further for now. The liquid luck will keep him alive for now.”

“The liquid who?”

“Liquid luck,” Severus said, without an ounce of guilt at brewing and administering a Class XX regulated potion. “We had to split the dose, so each of us only got a bit, so it will keep him for now, but we need a better solution-“

“Perhaps I could be of assistance,” Remus murmured, sliding between them. “Hello Sirius.”

“H-hey Rem,” Sirius mumbled, smiling weakly. “Come to cry over me?”

“No, I don’t think I will,” Remus smiled, “seeing as I have a way to save you.”

“Coolio,” Sirius said, brightening.

“How?” Tom demanded, his hold over Sirius tightening involuntarily.

“Well, I am a werewolf, you see,” Remus explained.

“Yes, I know. And?”

“Werewolves have accelerated healing,” Remus said meaningfully.

It took a second, but once he figured out what Remus was suggested, Tom’s eyes popped, even as his heart shattered. “Y- you want to turn him?”

“It wouldn’t turn him,” Remus said gently. “It isn’t the full moon, and I have not transformed. At most Sirius will gain some of my traits, and perhaps some claws that he has to file down on a semi regular basis. Also probably some arthritis, because I have that on account of the frequent transformations.”

It was a torturous few seconds before Tom nodded. “Do it, if it’ll save him.”

“Right-o,” Remus said, and smiled down at a bemused Sirius. “Any preference for a bite wound, Siri?”

“Er, sure,” Sirius mumbled. “Somewhere discreet?”

And so Remus bit Sirius on his belly, making him squeal in a most feminine manner. Almost immediately, the change started to take hold, as the diluted lycanthropy curse worked it’s way through Sirius’ blood. Sirius was not aware of the ironically lifesaving curse’s work, however, having passed out from the pain of it mid-way.

Tom watched in fascinated horror as the gaping wound in Sirius’ arm began to knit, the dead part of his arm sloughing off with finality instead of hanging on as it had done previously. “You did it,” Tom marvelled. “You madman, you did it, you’ve saved him!”

“The hospital wing, now!” Severus barked, lifting Sirius into his arms.

Tom strode out to the doorway, where his ducklings were holding several goons at bay. Tom raised his wand and fired a casual reducto off, hitting one unfortunate henchman, who promptly found himself without a torso, and subsequently, dead.

With his full power crackling around him like an evil halo, Tom spoke. “Cross me at your own peril. I have taken two lives today, and I will not hesitate to take more.”

The criminals took off, but not before Regulus threw a last cutting hex, which claimed a hand. Tom looked appraisingly at Regulus, who beamed. “Daddy taught me last year!”

“Of course he did,” Tom replied evenly. “But come now pet, let us take your brother to heal.”

They made quite a sight, the Heroes of Hogsmeade, as they would be known, marching up to the castle, forming a tight cordon to shield their wounded brother. But Tom cared not for the titles or praise as he hurried along, hoping desperately that Sirius’ sacrifice was not in vain.

Chapter Text

Sirius’ recovery was fairly anti-climactic, when compared to the ordeal. The biggest shock was Sirius waking up to see Tom asleep in a chair next to him, half sprawled over Sirius’ torso.

Upon waking, Sirius looked up groggily at everyone surrounding him with odd looks of concern. Sirius did a quick headcount and grinned. “Oh good, we’re all alive.” At that point, Lily burst into tears, which prompted the floodgates to open for everyone else, leaving a very confused Sirius in the middle. “Did something terrible happen? Oh! Was my beauteous visage mutilated? Squishius, say something! Does my delicate beauty endure?”

Snape looked incredulously at Sirius. “I have never once thought you delicate,” he said. “But yes, you look the same as you have done previously. That is to say, inbred.”

Sirius chortled. “Anyone else hurt?”

“No,” Tom said quietly, making Sirius jump.

“Hey pop,” Sirius said cheekily. “You’ve got pasta sauce all over your robes.”

“That is your blood,” Tom replied. “I carried you back, after- well. Afterwards.”

“You didn’t levitate me?”

Tom shook his head. “I… I didn’t think to do so. I was worried.”

Sirius beamed. “You love me,” he sang.

Tom looked back at him evenly. “Yes.”

“You looooove meee- eh,” Sirius paused abruptly.

“Surely this is not a surprise to you,” Tom said, eyeing his son. “For all that I have a picture of Regulus on the mantlepiece-“

“You what?”

“-I do love you both. I count myself very lucky for walking into a very sweet family.”

“You are married to my parents,” Sirius said. “You have played gobstones and braided my mother’s hair when you were children at school, and you still think that she is sweet natured?”

“I think that you are very much like your mother,” Tom replied, making Sirius spasm as a wave of The Truth assailed him. “Speaking of which, Lupin, I should like for you to check in with Orion and Walburga, see if they have recieved news. If not, break it to them gently.”

Remus nodded and slid away, leaving Sirius to be coddled by his friends and family. James hugged him and took a peek at Sirius’ belly. “Oh, I see where Remus nibbled you. Do you feel any different, Siri?”

“Now that you mention it, I do feel a bit more energetic. Huzzah! A blood curse has actually benefited me. Oh, does this explain Remus’ secret, sexy, vitality?”

“Vitality is not the first word I would associate with Lupin,” Snape scoffed. “He spends most of his time resembling a baked potato in a cardigan. Honestly, what do you see in him,” he asked, turning to Lily, who smacked his arm.

At that moment, Remus came hurrying back with a strained look on his face. “Lord Black is very tensed, the Ministry is at the house to arrest Mister Cygnus, on account of Bellatrix’s actions today!”

“Oh no!” Regulus cried. “We must save him! Poor uncle Cyggie and Aunt Dru will be devastated as it is!”

“No time to waste!” Sirius cried. “Let's-” Whatever Sirius' plan remained unsaid, gone in a flash of red light.

“Did you just stun him?” Peter asked Tom incredulously.

“Yes,” Tom said bluntly. “He would have made a fuss about coming along, when he ought to be recovering from the battle wound, as well as Lupin’s bite. I shall go- Oh what now,” Tom whined, as several hands grabbed his sleeves.

“Don't be so silly, Papa Tom!” Regulus shrilled. “We are coming with you!”

“Well you, I understand,” Tom said. “What about the rest?”

“I am coming along to protect Reg!” James declared.

“I am rather fond of Mr. Cygnus, and wish to protect him,” Remus said stoutly.

“They are Sirius' relations, I ought to be involved in their safeguarding,” Snape snapped.

“Well, technically, Lord Black and Mr Cygnus are my uncles,” Rab cringed. “Wow, we are super inbred,” he murmured, “like prize crups.”

“I will hold myself ransom if my father acts in an untoward manner!” Barty declared. “Someone get a knife!”

“Here, you can borrow mine,” Regulus said, pulling a dagger from his sock. “Who will hold you hostage though?”

“I'll do it,” Rab beamed. “Dark family and all that blather. It'll be very believable.”

Tom, who held that Rab looked less threatening than a plum, sighed. “You are hardly a threat, Lestrange.”

“I can-” Peter started, but was silenced by Tom.

“No, you stay with my son, who is yet to recover. Keep me updated on his condition via owl or floo. Evans-”

“If I'm there, the Ministry will see that the Blacks aren't evil anymore! They've sponsored my whole education!”

“I don't think sponsoring one muggleborn is good enough to lift them from Evil,” Tom said. “Still, you may as well come along. Pettigrew, transform and stay in Sirius’ breast pocket. If anyone tries to touch him, bite them and then scream bloody murder.”

“Alright,” Pete said, glad that his voice was so shrill.

Tom turned on his heel and stalked towards his rooms, and activated the floo. Even through the fire, he could hear the sounds of raised voices from Grimmauld Place. He jumped through, ready to do battle once more.

“Cease your foolishness at once!” Tom bellowed commanigly, stepping out of the fire, his eyes glowing like a demon. Nearby, a junior auror fainted. “I will not have my family harassed today, not when there has already been such loss!”

“Yeah!” Rab cried, emerging from behind Tom. “Fuck off!”

In quick succession, Tom’s little army fanned out from the flames, their expressions stony and cold towards the ministry officials.

“You would subvert justice, Lord Gaunt, when it has claimed your stepson?” Bartemius Crouch Sr. asked from the centre of the room, his hand on Cygnus’ upper arm. Behind him, Walburga screeched in horror, even as Orion paled and looked an inch from the Great Beyond himself.

“What are-“

Before Tom could ask what they were blathering about, Remus stepped forward, and straight into Crouch’s space. “Release Mr. Black,” he said quietly. “Now. You have no grounds to hold him.”

Tom could practically hear the clanging of Remus’ titanium balls, as he supported Cygnus’ reed-like form. Crouch, however, was obviously deaf. “You have no place here, boy- ah!”

Remus deftly reached over and tore Crouch’s hand from Cygnus, before safely tossing the younger Black brother into Orion and Walburga’s waiting arms. Unfortunately, Cygnus landed face down into Walburga’s jiggly yet formidable bosoms and nearly suffocated until Orion extracted his brother.

At this point, the aurors had their wands raised against the Blacks, and Tom saw red at wands being pointed at his pregnant spouse. “NOT MY FAMILY, YOU BASTARDS!”

A wave of energy crashed through the room, emanating from Tom himself. There was no need to channel his magic with a wand - not when he had willed it from his heart. The aurors were tossed about like ragdolls, helpless in the face of Tom’s raw power. Bones snapped upon impact, but Tom cared not, so focused was he on Orion’s look of horror, on Walburga stepping in front of Orion to shield the baby with her own body from the aurors.

He could have lost everything, the thought played on repeat in Tom’s head. He had been so close to losing everything.

“How easily you would sacrifice your son, Gaunt,” Crouch snarled from the floor, sitting up shakily. “Convenient that you will soon have a replacement child.”

“What are you blathering about, you demented fool, my sons are both fine,” Tom hissed.

There was a great gasping sound from Orion and Walburga, who clutched each others hands. “Tom! Is it true? Sirius is alright? They have told us that he was maimed, dead, from Bellatrix’s curse!”

“It was a close thing, but he was saved. He rests even now, like a log, in the school infirmary,” Tom declared loudly, before turning back to Crouch. “This family nearly lost their son and Heir to defeat their own blood, and you would seek to carry out your political agenda against the same people? For shame!”

“Accessories to murder are not forgiven for loss,” Crouch spat, turning his wand on Cygnus again, only for Orion and his sizable pregnant stomach to step in the way. “Move aside, Black! I will exercise the will of the Ministry!”

“That is Lord Black to you,” Orion said, his voice cold and crackling with his own magic. “You are standing in the house of my forefathers, seeking to harm one of my own. Your Ministry never had a chance.”

A cavernous creaking noise sounded from above, making Crouch lose his concentration and look up, just before a chandelier came hurtling down, bid by the master of the house. Crouch jumped aside just in time, only to fall prey to the hands of Kreacher, who apparated and stuck a fork in Crouch’s shin.

“SEIZE THEM! SEIZE THEM ALL!”

“DON’T YOU DARE!”

Regulus’ uncharacteristic roar caused everyone to jump in surprise, only to see him holding his wand at Barty Jr., poking his wand to Barty’s cheek. “One wrong move, and I will curse him!”

“You obnoxious brat-“ Crouch Sr. snarled, only for Regulus to poke Barty’s cheek again, causing a rather ugly zit to pop up.

“Oh go on, goad me, the one who has his wand on your disarmed son,” Regulus sniffed. “Now, are you going to be reasonable and retract charges against my family?”

“I don’t respond to threats,” Crouch Sr hissed, his eyes popping.

“Oh dear, I am frightened beyond belief!” Barty Jr cried dramatically. “So much so, that I am coming over faint! Ah! Curse my anemic nature, and my low hemoglobin count, for I am unable to remove myself from danger!” With that, Barty ‘fainted’ all over James, Regulus’ messy boyfriend.

“Well!” Regulus beamed, as James tossed little Barty over his shoulder, “This seems rather clear cut! Either you fully retract your charges against my family, or you shall never see Barty again from where I will have concealed him.”

“You think that my son cannot escape your pathetic clutches?” Crouch growled.

“Oh no! I will see to it that Barty will love me, and I shall treat him well, so that he will fall deeply in love with me! He will never want to leave!” Regulus chirped, then added an evil little, “BWA HA HA!”

“Sure, Barty can be our second fiancé I guess,” James shrugged, now an accomplice.

“Heir Potter!” Crouch thundered. “You would turn to these dark, criminal elements?”

“Why not? It’s not like your side is any better,” James said in his easygoing way. “Besides, Reg is my betrothed. In for a knut, in for a galleon, eh?”

“You’ll never leave this place,” Crouch ground out, his eyes popping madly. “There are anti-disapparition wards up, and I have the house surrounded, the floo is monitored-“

“Oh, no problem,” Reg beamed. “Kreacher!”

And with a snap of an elf’s fingers, they were gone.

***

“LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, YOU DISEASED TOENAIL, MY SON IS GONE, I SHALL HAVE HIS WEIGHT IN YOUR BLOOD! YOUR FAMILY’S NAME WILL BE SMEARED FOREVERMORE-“

Never let it be said that Walburga Black was a woman who would go quietly into the night.

***

“So, we have an accord?” Orion said archly to a cowed Crouch, while Walburga breathed angrily into a paper bag under Tom’s supervision. “You call off your hounds, and leave my family in peace?”

“We have an accord. You will get my son back?” Crouch snarled.

“If he wants to be found,” Tom said cheerfully, supporting Orion’s belly and rubbing his spouse’s back. “Regulus wasn’t lying about being lovable. Just imagine, Orion - Barty Black! You'll have the heirs to two Sacred Twenty-Eight families!”

At this, Crouch turned on his heel and left, soundly defeated. The aurors followed, with more than one young auror looking enamored at Tom’s previous display of power.

“Well, I imagine that Rabastan would be very sad,” Orion chuckled, thinking about The impossibility of Barty Black. “See how he mopes even now, like a chicken to be plucked for the evening meal!”

“For God’s sake,” Tom grumbled. “Lestrange, stop moping, and start thinking of places Regulus could have gone. Lupin, go and take care of Cygnus and Druella, give them a calming draught and get them to rest. Evans, go and put some tea on the hob, would you? I think we could all use a drop. Snape, floo back to my quarters at Hogwarts and check on Sirius. Stay with him, I don’t want any Ministry goons interfering. If someone tries something, curse them with that excellent Flesh Desiccation curse I taught you. Oh Evans, could you butter some crumpets while you’re making the tea? Orion should eat something.”

Orion looked in awe at Tom as his little minions scuttled around, full of purpose. “I’ve never seen this side of you,” Orion marvelled. “It is doing things to my insides, and I am quite sure that it is not the baby pressing against my bladder.”

Tom cheered up at the thought of inducing pleasure in his husband. “Are you sure it’s not the hormones?”

“No, I am sated this day, Burga showed me her giant knockers in the morning.”

“Aw, I missed it,” Tom pouted. The wonders of the female body delighted and confused him in equal measure. But in fairness, so did Orion.

“We can ask her to show us again when we have the boys back,” Orion smiled. “Honestly, I didn’t think that Regulus had it in him! I have severely underestimated his go-getter spirit.”

Tom chuckled. “You should have seen him in battle - he used the same severing charm you did - took a man’s hand! I was very proud, I would have patted his head if I hadn’t been carrying Sirius.”

“My poor son,” Orion sighed. “How does he fare?”

“He is well,” Tom soothed his husband. “He had regained consciousness by the time I left. His first actions were to check on the wellbeing of everyone else, and then ask his beloved if his ‘delicate beauty’ had been maimed.”

“Oh egads.”

“He wanted to come with the rest of us, so ready was he for another fight! But I stunned him, so that he could continue to rest,” Tom recalled, as Orion nodded approvingly.

“You can’t go around stunning people!” Lily shrilled, having returned with tea and buttered crumpets that Orion quickly grabbed.

“But it was the only option left to me!”

“A calming draught would have had the same effect,” Lily frowned.

“Potions takes too long to deliver in the bloodstream,” Tom said wisely. “A stunner is far more efficient. Besides, Sirius will heal soon, and I shall bring him home. Our efforts should be on Cygnus and Druella, and of course, Regulus.”

“I wonder where they could have gone,” Lily fretted. “James can handle himself well, but Barty and Reg are…”

“Small? Fae? Posh? Pixies?” Tom provided.

“All of the above,” Lily admitted.

“I had the same worries, but then Regulus severed a man’s hand and took the Head of Magical Law Enforcement’s son as a captive, so I am not so worried anymore,” Tom shrugged. “Besides, I am sure we will find them soon.”

“I wonder where they are,” Orion mumbled, taking a sip of his fortifying tea. “I do wonder…”

***

Meanwhile, several miles away…

“Oh, what a nice little neighborhood,” Regulus chirped, looking around. “Kreacher, where are we?”

“In a land most evile and vile, from which sprung the Fire Haired Girl.”

James stared at the elf. “…Kreacher.”

“Yes?”

“Is this Lily’s house?”

“Yes.”

“When did you even come here before?” Barty asked incredulously. “Isn’t this a muggle area?”

“It is,” Kreacher confirmed with a shudder.

“But how did you get to a muggle area?”

Kreacher hung his head. “Is you remembering when Master Cygnus and the Lupin Wolf came to court the Evans girl?”

“Yeah, over Christmas,” James said.

“Well, Master Orion ws worrying about his brother, and sent Kreacher ahead to spy on the area,” Kreacher explained. “Once Kreacher goes to a new location, his magic will leave a remnant for future travel. When Master Regulus is calling for rescue, Kreacher took him to the least magical place he knew, so that the ministry cannot trace them.”

“Kreacher, you’re marvellous!” Regulus cried, causing the elf to blush most terribly.

“So do we just ask Lily’s folks to let us in?” Barty asked.

“Yup,” James beamed and knocked. “I bet they’re just as nice as her.”

Unfortunately, it was Petunia who opened the door. “Yes- EEEK,” Petunia shrieked, on account of just having spotted Krescher being ugly on her lawn.

“Hello,” James said with a winning smile. “We’re friends of Lily’s, and we’ve run into a spot of trouble. We were- could you perhaps stop screaming, he isn’t even doing anything,” James pleaded.

At his daughter’s screaming, Mr. Evans came to the door. “Petunia, why are you- oh egads,” Mr. Evans said, having also spotted Kreacher. “I- Is that a poorly child or a very old man?”

“Neither, he is a house elf,” Regulus butted in cheerfully. “Hello Mr. Evans, my name is Regulus Black.”

“Oh is it?” Mr. Evans asked delightedly. “Lily has told us about her group of friends, she described you as a sprightly kitten with occasional bouts of sinfulness.”

“Yes, that is me!” Regulus beamed. “We were rather hoping that you could help us, we have had to abscond for our safety, and are seeking refuge.”

“We? Is Lily alright?” Mr. Evans asked quickly.

“Oh yes, she is under the guardianship of my father and step-father, and any consequences to taking arms against the Ministry should quickly be swept under rhe rug-“

“What?”

“-on account of her previous actions protecting the village during the attack-“

“What attack!”

“-and some good old bribery!”

“What is going on?” Mr. Evans asked faintly.

“We can explain everything, sir,” James butted in again, “if you could please let us in?”

“I- er- yes, yes,” Mr. Evans said, quickly looking at Barty, who was acquiring a sunburn from the weak evening sunset. “Come in. Please, start straight from the beginning.”

***

As it turned out, the short idyll at Grimmauld Place was broken by Severus reactivating the floo and pushing Sirius’ limp body through it. “Nobody panic, but I spotted some Ministry goons gooning about the castle and felt it best to move him.”

Tom caught Sirius and nodded his thanks at Snape. “Once again, you have saved my son. Thank you, Snape.”

“Mention not,” Severus sniffed. “Just… take care of him? And tell him that he is in my thoughts.”

“Snape, that is oddly sweet of you,” Tom smiled. “Not to worry, he will be cared for. Ah! Already I hear my wife thundering down the staircase upon seeing her firstborn, excellent.”

Severus averted his eyes as Walburga burst in, her corset barely restraining her mighty knockers that threatened to overpower the boning of the garment. “WHERE IS MY SON?”

“Here, good god, could you please get them under control,” Tom asked, slightly afraid for his own life. Those knockers could have given him a concussion!

Walburga paid no heed to the words of men, and hugged her child, rousing him from the stunner that had put him to sleep. “B- huh? Wha- mum?”

“My little boy!” Walburga wept, crushing Sirius in a hug. “Look at you, how much you have suffered!”

“I’m okay, ma,” Sirius replied cheerfully. “Saved the village, we did, didn’t we, popsy?”

“Yes, yes, very brave, much gusto,” Tom agreed. “Although I regret that we could not save your arm. We will simply have to get you a prosthetic, like Rabastan uses.”

“Cool,” Sirius nodded, before lifting his shirt and peering at his tummy. “Ah, forsooth! I am to carry the mark of Remus’ mouth upon my most pale belly!”

Walburga looked shocked. “A- a bite mark? From Remus Lupin? You-“

“I will explain upstairs,” Tom said tiredly. “It is best that we let Sirius continue to convalesce. We can bung him with Orion.”

Tom helped Sirius upstairs, and then duck-waddled him into Orion’s room, where the man was in a state of Extreme Pregnancy and being highly uncomfortable. “Sirius!” Orion beamed, and made to sit up, only to fail and flop over onto his side, on account of the weight on his abdomen.

“Hey dad,” Sirius grinned, and helped put his father back to rights before slithering under the blankets with him. “Ah, pre-warmed blankets, one of life’s great joys.” He looked around at his concerned family, and noted the lack of his squirrelly brother. “Where is Reg, and why isn’t he here crying at me?”

“Long story,” Tom grunted. “We ought to tell your tale first. Regulus’ tale will be a fun sequel.”

And so the tale of the Battle against Bellatrix came out, starting with James and Severus’ strange collaboration, the runic wards, the battle, and Sirius’ brush with death, culminating in Remus’ timely actions.

“Y- y- you-“ Orion stuttered, looking at Sirius in horror, “you took Lupin’s bite?” he asked faintly. Orion gently lifted Sirius shirt to stare at the bite mark adorning his eldest’s navel. Walburga collapsed into a chair, looking stricken.

“My son,” she whispered in horror. “My son is- a lycanthrope!”

“Not a full wolf,” Tom interrupted. “Lupin had not transformed, and the full moon was not up. The lycanthropy virus is dilute enough to have healed his wounds, but not manifest fully. Ergo, his arm not regrowing.”

Orion was still in a state of shock, his fingers gently tracing the scar on Sirius’ belly. Sirius decided to return the favour and reached over to rub Orion’s prominent tummy, prompting the fetus Poppet to kick merrily.

“Argh, my intestines,” Orion winced, and glared half-heartedly at his son. “Cad.”

Walburga laughed wetly. “You feel my pain now, husband! Sirius was a most unruly fetus, kicking and performing latent magicks even in the womb.”

“Did Regulus kick as well?” Sirius asked.

“Not once,” Walburga sniffed. “He would often give off latent majicks though, small bursts of cheer used to take over my mind.”

“I, on the other hand, have small bursts of acid reflux,” Orion grumbled.

Sirius cleared his throat hesitantly. “Do I take this as denial of my new nature, or hesitant acceptance?”

“What new nature?” Orion asked. “As far as I can tell, you are still my firstborn, complete with name and blood.”

“Just a bit extra now,” Tom added. “A smidge.”

“A wee bit more,” Orion nodded, then paused. “Oh. I need a wee.”

“Want me to help you to the bathroom, pa?” Sirius asked. “Huzzah for Remus’ ungodly metabolism, I am already much better. You can tell me about Reg en route.”

“Alright,” Orion said, and rolled gracefully out of bed, and let Sirius support him to the loo. “So the ministry goons were here to arrest Cygnus for reasons unknown to mankind, and Tom saw fit to come and bring his entire menagerie-“

Walburga looked on silently as Tom used this moment to collapse on the bed. Ah! What a to-do this family business was! Should he have become a dark lord after all?

“REG AND JAMES ABDUCTED BARTY!?”

“Stop yelling, you’ll ruin my aim!”

“WHERE DID THEY GO!”

“How do I know? They’re fine, they took Kreacher, didn’t they? He’s scrappy and ugly, and knows his way around. Now could you stop looking at me, I can’t go when people are watching!”

“HOW IS KREACHER’S UGLINESS PART OF THIS!?”

“Ugly people are naturally resourceful,” Orion explained, “because they cannot use looks to get by. It’s evolutionary.”

Definitely not, Tom mused, how else would he have this much fun? “Sirius has your voice,” Tom informed Walburga drowsily.

“He does, that,” Walburga agreed. “I sometimes wonder where Regulus gets his natural sweetness.”

“Me,” Tom replied cheerfully, making Walburga giggle.

Orion waddled out happily, bladder empty, while Sirius followed, quietly seething. “If I had been there-“

“What precisely would you have done?” Tom asked, rolling over to make space for Orion to get back into bed, “You were frailer than a newborn foal.”

“I would have not let Regulus commit a crime!” Sirius insisted. “Also, I am poorly and overwhelmed, I want to lie down.”

Tom merely rolled over again and looked pointedly at Sirius.

“Are you just going to lie there with us?” Sirius asked incredulously.

“This is technically my bed too,” Tom said. “I sleep here with my squishy wife and chilly-toed husband.”

“How dare you call me squishy,” Walburga grumbled.

“Once, I woke to the feeling of suffocation, but in truth I was merely facedown in your bosoms,” Tom recalled.

“Why are you not more worried about Regulus and James?” Sirius demanded. “You like Regulus!”

“True, but I am also a big believer in letting young people spread their wings, if they show that they are capable. And Regulus may be small and fae, but he is also evile, as a son of the House of Black, descendent of the blood of Mordred ought to be,” Tom said.

“Am I evile?” Sirius wondered.

“I don’t think so,” Orion frowned. “Honestly, I am surprised. You have a strange core of goodness in your heart, it is very off-putting. Like Cygnus, the little swot.”

“Is uncle Cyggie well?” Sirius asked, concern spiking through his heart. “And Aunt Dru?”

“Cygnus was quite shaken,” Orion said. “Lupin has gone to sit with him. I think that his unnatural potato-like demeanour calms Cygnus.”

“Remus is here?” Sirius said, perking up. “Jolly good, I am going to go and thank him for saving my life. Toodle-oo parents, I shall probably kip with Uncle Cyggie tonight, to keep him company.”

“Thoughtful of you,” Orion mumbled. “Give him some calming draught, and if he says no, tell him I told you to make him take it.”

With Sirius gone, Orion looked over at his spouses. “I wonder if Regulus is alright. I put on a brave face in front of Sirius, but I still worry.”

“Oh good!” Tom burst out, pushing himself into a sitting position to properly fret. “Egads, but when I get a hold of that boy-! He just decided to dive headfirst into a life of crime! And he didn’t even start small, with a bit of threatening or something, he went straight to abduction! What on Earth are we to do!”

“Oh honestly,” Walburga sniffed, “am I the only one with faith in the boy? He is a Black, and is a Slytherin to boot! Regulus is as canny as they come, and you two are just being hens! I have every faith that my son will succeed in his plans!”

Cowed by Walburga’s proud vehemence, the men subsided. And yet, in their heart of hearts, they wondered how their son was faring.

***

Edward Evans watched the three boys with varying degrees of incredulity as they shuffled around his house in his daughter’s borrowed ‘flower power’ shirts and her flare leg jeans.

Well. Rab and Barty chose to use Lily’s clothes. James had just smiled and nodded politely when Edward had offered his own to the taller boy. Currently, James and Regulus were in the yard, trying to find a pigeon to put a homing charm on so that it could deliver a letter to their parents.

Barty was in the kitchen with Edward’s wife, Marie, helping make scrambled eggs and being enthralled by the refrigerator. Privately, Edward noted how carefree the boy was at being abducted and separated from his folks, and wondered if anyone would notice if he suddenly turned up to pub nights with a new, blond, son.

The ugly elf was also bobbing around the kitchen, offering critique on making a proper fry-up. Marie and Petunia listened, only because Kreacher’s cyst-like visage was very hard to ignore.

Just then, James and Regulus wiggled back in, flushed with triumph and a little bit of horniness, having had a bit of a snog under the apple tree. “We charmed a pigeon and sent a letter to mum and daddy!” Regulus chirped. “We told them that we were alright, and were keeping Kreacher so that our magic would go undetected.”

“You were very smart to suggest that, Reg,” James fawned over his pea-sized boyfriend. “Proper brainy.”

“Did you tell them where we are?” Barty asked.

“Yes, but in code,” Regulus said. “In the home of one who is the beloved of the child of Selene.” Regulus smiled at Edward. “Selene is a reference to the moon, because Remus is a werewolf, and Lily’s boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry, Remus is a what?” Edward Evans asked, slightly flabbergasted.

“Oh! You mustn’t feel prejudiced against him though!” Barty cried. “Remus is a very nice fellow, very dashing and brave, and has nice handwriting!”

“Go back to the werewolf bit,” Marie said weakly.

“But that’s only once a month,” James insisted. “And Sirius, Petey and I all keep him company so that he is safe!”

“But are you safe?” Marie asked.

“Of course! Remus in wolf form would not attack another animal, and I make for a very dashing stag, thusly!” James said, and transformed into a stag. Petunia, who had just walked in, fainted.

“The pointy girl has fallen,” Kreacher noted. He grabbed one of Petunia’s bony ankles and started to pull her toward the sofa to recover.

Meanwhile, James was angling for pets, and was rewarded with Barty and Reg dashing over to coo at him and pet his snout. Seeing the two boys cuddling the magnificent stag, Marie mustered up the courage to give James some motherly scritches between his antlers. “What a nice set of boys you are,” she sighed, “to take care of each other so well.”

“Ah well,” James said, transforming back, “to be fair, we only became wholesome pretty recently. And I don’t think that Snape will ever really be wholesome - just not directly evil to people he likes.”

“Not true, Sev likes me just fine,” Regulus said.

“Yeah, he’s nice,” Barty piped up. “He gets up early each morning to help attach Rab’s leg. He hasn’t got the hang of it yet, and it keeps falling off.”

Marie looked proud at Severus’ sneaky softness. “That’s my boy,” she hummed, and went back to trying to feed Barty eggs.

James smiled placidly. “It’s very good of you to take us in, Mr Evans. I can see where Lily gets her courage from. And her ears.”

Mr. Evans smiled proudly. He did have very nice ears. “Thank you. Back to the point though, are you sure that my girl is safe?”

“Oh yes. Lord Black would never abide by his wards being hurt - he stepped into battle even when extremely gravid. Not to mention that Remus threw a full man across the room with naught but his upper body strength.”

There were several things to process in James’ explanation. “Lord Black? Is gravid?” Mr. Evans asked, as Regulus nodded happily. “Isn’t he a man?”

“Indeed!” Regulus chirped. “My most honorable father has recently formed a political triad marriage with my mother, and as part of that, has elected to carry the child of his new spouse! I am having a sister, and am overjoyed!”

“Reg’s stepdad was a bit of an evil bloke, but the marriage was both tactical and, er, loving. It went a ways in making him evaluate the path that he was on,” James explained. “He now has a picture of himself and Regulus on the mantelpiece in his rooms, and is a fairly mellow chap, with only occasional bouts of evil.”

“How evil are we talking?”

“Well,” James dithered, “he made no compunctions about killing another evil blighter who was looking to kill us.”

“What! When was this!” Mr. Evans cried.

“Er. Two days ago? Then the ministry came to arrest his family, and we staged Barty’s kidnapping- and you know the rest,” James mumbled.

Gosh, but what dynamic and dangerous lives these people lived! “Goodness! I cannot imagine my delicate petal getting into these kinds of situations! I cannot fathom it for any child, really!”

“Really? Not even Snape?” James asked astutely.

Mr. Evans dithered. “Well. Severus, perhaps. But he’s always been a bit… er.”

James nodded in agreement. Snape was a bit ‘er’.

“I suppose that I ought to thank your slightly evil stepfather, then,” Mr. Evans addressed Regulus, “if he has safeguarded my daughter.”

“I shall pass on your good wishes to Papa Tom,” Regulus beamed. “Oh, Mr. Evans, I have been meaning to ask you, have you any more of your most convenient muggle appliances? It’s just that my Uncle Cygnus - you remember him, he was so taken by that toaster - he has recently had a great shock, and I would like to make him feel better!”

“We have a coffee machine?” Mr. Evans hazarded.

Immediately, Barty, Reg and James all hyperfocused on Mr. Evans. “A coffee… machine?” Regulus asked. “You do not pour over the water at a precise temperature and wait inordinate amounts of time to drink a brew that is already partially cooled in the time that it takes to finish dripping down?’

“What? No, here, let me show you-“

***

The homing pigeon of Reg and James’ invention took its own sweet time locating Grimmauld Place, while the Black-Gaunt family unit suffered in trepidation. It did, however, do its job, flapping agitatedly through the kitchen window and smacking into Orion’s protruding belly, from where he had snuck in to make himself a midnight snack.

Orion waddled upstairs as quickly as he could and woke his spousal unit, where Tom had once again fallen asleep face-down in Walburga’s bountiful bosoms. He woke with a gasping breath, craving oxygen, while Walburga slapped his face away.

“Regulus has written to us!” Orion cried. “Quick, gather the family!”

The family, plus some of Orion’s Fanclub (read - Remus, Severus, Lily) all tumbled down into the main room. “Why are you wearing my pajamas,” Orion asked Lily, whose five foot two inch frame was drowning in Orion’s nightrobe. “Also, why are you here, and how did you all get here.”

“I got them here,” Tom yawned. “I thought they’d be safer here, than in school, where the Ministry can get to them.”

“Good show,” Orion said. “Where’s the other short boy, the unfortunate looking one?”

An affronted squeak sounded from Remus’s breast pocket, and Peter popped out in mouse form. “Hush, I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” Remus murmured, scritching Peter’s tiny ear. “He’s just been looking from the wrong angle, is all.”

Peter squeaked morosely and retreated back into Remus’ pocket. “Are Reg, James, and Barty safe?”

Orion read through the letter, “Dear Daddy,” he began,

“Let me begin by assuring you that we are all safe and well. We have taken refuge in Lily’s parent’s house, and I think that Mr and Mrs. Evans are seeking to steal Barty away, so taken are they with his sweet frailty!

James and I are fine, and we are sleeping in separate beds. Well, Barty and I have taken Lily’s, and James sleeps on the sofa. Mr. Evans is also teaching us to do manly muggle chores, such as drilling wood, and mowing the lawn!

Do tell Uncle Cyggie and Aunt Dru that my condolences are with them in this terrible time. I have purchased a coffee machine for Uncle Cyggie, to accompany his toaster, in hopes that a hearty breakfast will help him recover.

Do let us know when it is safe to return, we miss you all ever so. If Sirius is awake, give him a strong hug from me, and a prolonged embrace from James. Tears of joy are welcomed.

Your loving son,

Regulus”.

Orion swallowed bravely against the lump in his throat, willing the tears to stay out in his swollen tear glands. Alas, he failed, and felt his eyes moisten. His wife had no such compunctions, and was weeping openly for her brave, fae child, and Cygnus looked lost at the uncommon sweetness that his nephew had shown him.

Tom looked to be the most collected of all of them, and stood, straightening his robes. “Well, best be off then.”

“W- what?”

Tom looked incredulously at Orion. “To collect Regulus and his spindly friends. Evans,” he said, addressing Lily, “is your house connected to the floo network?”

“Er, no sir,” Lily said.

“Then we shall have to apparate. Where do you live?”

“Cokeworth.”

Tom looked dumbfounded. “I’ve no idea where that is, but it sounds unpleasant.”

“It is, my father lives there,” Snape said. “There is an apparition point a mile outside the town, we can either walk or catch the bus into the town from there.”

“I have not been on a bus since 1946, and I do not aim to have that change now,” Tom said. “Give me your arms, Evans, Snape. I want to bring my child home.”

“How curious that you neglect to mention Barty or James,” Remus smiled.

Tom shrugged. “Bartemius sounds well taken care of, and Potter is scrappy. They can manage. My concern is for my son, small and delicate that he is.”

“Your son staged a spontaneous kidnapping and a manhunt around the nation,” Lily reminded him.

“I know,” Tom said, and smiled, taking Orion’s hand in his own. “We are so proud of him,” Tom said, as Orion nodded cheerily.

“What is wrong with all of you,” Sirius said, horrified, and strode towards the door purposefully. “Come on! Let’s go and get-“ Sirius then crumpled to the floor, once more a target of Tom’s well placed stunner.

“You really have to stop doing that,” Remus sighed, as he went over to scoop Sirius off of the floor.

“I’ll stop when he stops,” Tom replied. “Snape, Evans, to me. Burg, want to join us? We’re going to muggle England!”

“I rather think that I will be fine here,” Walburga sniffed. “Besides, someone has to get breakfast started, with Kreacher away.”

“Right-o,” Tom said, and grabbed the two students and disapparating with a loud pop, onto their latest adventure.

***

“Home sweet home,” Severus grumbled, as he trudged through the scenery of Cokeworth, the ambient depression seeping into his pores.

“Charming,” Tom sniffed, and followed, keeping a tight hold on Lily’s hand, garnering a look of amusement from the girl in question.

“Professor Gaunt, you don’t need to hold my hand, it’s hardly dangerous here,” she said gently.

“Evans, the shrubbery looks dangerous here,” Tom replied. “And I see two stocky blokes over there looking at us.”

Lily peered into the distance, before smiling and waving. The men waved back. “They’re the local butchers, sir, they’re alright. They just look a bit rough. I think you’ve just spent too long with Regulus - not all blokes look like him.”

“You may be on to something,” Tom muttered, walking speedily through the drab township, his hand still holding Lily’s wrist. “Still, chivalry dictates that I safeguard you. Call me old fashioned, but I have a duty towards you.”

“Even so, sir, we’re with Sev,” Lily pointed out. “He’s a bit…er.”

Tom nodded, acknowledging that Snape was a bit ‘er’.

Severus led them down the hill to the Evans house, where they spied Regulus and James under the apple tree, where Reg was feeding James little bits of apple, and James was trying to nibble Regulus’ fingers.

“Potter you menace, get away from my son,” Tom hissed, making James screech.

“Professor Gaunt!”

“Papa Tom!” Regulus beamed, jumping into Tom’s arms. “Is everyone alright? Oh, has Sirius recovered? We have been ever so worried!”

“Sirius is fine, and is making a song and dance about having an arm stub. Cygnus and Druella are recovering as well - the wolf child has been a great support to them,” Tom said. “Your father grows larger by the day, and Poppet kicks his bladder with great aim and strength. Your mother tried to summon a demon to purge Bartemius Crouch Senior, but we had to send it back to keep her out of jail.”

Regulus tucked himself into Tom’s side, which he allowed and gloried in. “Is it safe to return?”

“All charges against Cygnus have been dismissed, as part of Crouch’s overzealous blame mongering. The family is slowly recovering.” Tom paused to peer at Regulus. “I trust that you are well? Kreacher has been taking care of you?”

Regulus nodded. “We are fine. Kreacher has taken to following Mrs. Evans around the house and screaming at the vacuum cleaner. Oh! And I have learned how to use power tools! Would you like to see the chair that I am helping Mr. Evans build? I got a splinter yesterday, but took it out. And! I got the rough, blue pants, they are called jeans, and James said that I looked very nice in them-“

Tom glared at James, for he knew that the boy was gazing upon Regulus’ legs. James scuttled backwards behind the tree. He was saved by Barty dashing out of the house in a Flower Power shirt, his flaxen hair flowing from it’s Farrah Fawcett ‘do that Petunia had forced Barty to suffer through. “Hi Professor Gaunt!” Batty beamed, coming to a halt in front of him. “Are you here to take us back?”

“I am,” Tom intoned, casting an appraising look over Barty. “That is, if you want to go back.”

Here, Barty stumbled. “Er. Well, I was helping Mr. Evans make furniture, you see, and I think it would be terribly rude to just up and leave-“

Tom looked heavenwards at Barty’s quibbling and lying in an effort to stay with a loving set of parents. “Barty, if you come back, then I will see about getting you an apprenticeship in a muggle workshop.” Tom looked at both Barty’s and Mr. Evans’ hopeful faces. Lemmings, the both of them. “Mr. Evans’ workshop, specifically.”

Both of the lemming faced peoples brightened, while Lily, well aware of her father’s habit of collecting cute stray kittens (they had seven family pet cats to date), peered at her dad, who was glowing with the pride of having newly acquired a child.

“Ok, I’ll come back,” Barty chirped. “Besides, I should not want to leave Rab to mourn me. How is he?”

“He weeps fat tears of loneliness,” Tom said cruelly, before turning to the Evanses. “Thank you sir, and madam, for taking the children in. You have done the Black fanily a great favour this day, and it shall-“

“Ach, no worries mate, why don’t you come in for a quick pint?” Mr. Evans beamed, and dragged Tom inside with a lad-like slap on the back that Tom spent ten minutes recovering from. One pint of tea later, Tom was trudging back to the apparition point, very pointedly holding Regulus’ hand, while James puddled all over Severus, complaining of fatigue from climbing up the hill.

“Everyone grab a hold- oh my stars,” Tom grumbled, as he was assailed by teenagers clinging to every part of his body, sans his tender areas. Now covered in teens, Tom turned on his heel, and disapparated.

Chapter Text

“SIRIUS!” James cried, as he was apparated back into Grimmauld Place.

“JAMES!” Sirius wept, and flew into his best chum’s arms, where they clung to each other and sobbed manfully, while the rest of those gathered looked on in mild horror.

“I am here too,” Regulus said, and made a beeline for his parents, draping himself over his father’s torpedo shaped abdomen. “Did you miss me, Poppet?” At the resultant kick, Regulus beamed. Ah! He was loved and cherished by his unborn sibling!

Orion smiled and hugged his son. “Hello Regulus. We were so worried, son. But so, so proud.”

Walburga smiled wetly. “When I told your grandfather Arcturus of your escapade, he expressed such pride in you! He even hurried to have a tiny dagger made for you, in case you decide to commit more crimes.”

“Oh, how wonderful!” Regulus enthused, “I must thank him!”

“Weirdo,” Sirius sniffled, having extricated himself from his tender embrace with James, “but you’re my squishy little weirdo. C’mere,” Sirius said, and buried his nose in Regulus’ hair.

“Hi Siri,” Regulus mumbled into his brother’s chest.

“Hey ugly,” Sirius greeted him emotionally. “You scared everyone. Don’t go running off again, you hear?”

“Oh, but my safety was never in doubt, for James was with me!” Regulus insisted, turning his sparkling gaze on James, who glowed at the affirmation and trust of his beloved.

In all this, Barty continued to exist in Lily’s pilfered clothes, the curls in his hair straightening out again into his usual mushroom-mop cut. “I am also here,” he said, and looked expectantly at everyone. After a heartbreaking pause, Orion hesitantly held out his arms, and Barty bounced into the hug.

“I was offering a handshake, but this is alright, I suppose,” Orion muttered.

“I have a distinct lack of affection in my regular home life,” Barty said simply, “so I actively seek it out.”

“So do I, but you don’t see me wantonly hugging people,” Snape snipped. “Black, you perverse persimmon, stop ogling me, your attentions are not gentle affection, but a fiery inferno of lust,” Snape said, glaring at Sirius in horror.

“I don’t hear you complaining about it most of the time,” Sirius cooed.

“Yes, but it is just past seven in the morning, it is your timing that is perverse, not the nature of your thoughts,” Snape stressed, as Orion nodded.

“Cease your morning thirst, son, such things are not seemly,” Orion lectured. “One’s mind must be the master of such thoughts, and it is good practice to discipline oneself in such matters-“

Tom and Walburga shared sorrowful, commiserating looks, because they had to wait till after sunset every day to peg Orion - their favourite activity.

Just as Orion was hitting his stride in his weekly Talks of Propriety, the floo flared to life, and the head of Albus Dumbledore poked through. “What ho, all! Have the youngsters returned yet?”

“Hello sir,” Regulus said politely. “We’re all back, but Barty refuses to reintegrate into magical society if he cannot gain an apprenticeship in furniture building at a muggle studio - specifically the one owned by Mr. Evans.”

Dumbledore nodded in understanding. “I, of all people, understand the feeling of falling for a foreign love! Why in my youth, I fell madly in love with the most dashing European man, every moment that we were together was electric! Clothes were merely a barrier in our passions, quickly burned away in the fires of our lus-“

“STOP, PLEASE! NO MORE!!” Tom bellowed, his hands over his own ears, while Orion covered his sons’, his own expression horrified.

“Apologies, I was carried away in my own sweet memories,” Albus hummed, oblivious at having traumatized an entire generation of youths. “At any rate, I am here to take the children back to school.”

Orion waddled forward formidably and fixed Dumbledore with a steely gaze. “My sons, nor his affianced, will be taken from Hogwarts By the Ministry. I will have your guarantee in this.”

“You do,” Dumbledore said solemnly. “Nothing gives me quite as much joy as denying the Ministry.”

“I trust,” Orion continued, “that I will also have your backing when I propose for Bartemius Crouch to be removed from his position in office at the upcoming Wizengamot meeting, for flagrant abuse of the powers of his office and causing civilian distress.”

Albus looked around at the gathered persons. “Whose distress?”

“Mine,” Tom said easily. “I was tremendously upset at the sight of my family under attack. Crouch turned his wand on my pregnant spouse, and on his swotty little brother, whose greatest sin has only been trying to shove his spinach onto my plate at dinner.” At Dumbledore’s disbelieving look, Tom amped up the drama. “I suffered terrible stomach cramps from the stress of the ordeal,” he insisted. “I visited the loo several times.”

“That sounds… unpleasant,” Dumbledore replied. “Children, to me, please, and I will take you back through the floo. Orion, you have my support in both your asks. Tom, do take a digestive potion.”

Albus’ head disappeared from view, but the flames still burned green, ready to accept the students as they came through. Orion watched in trepidation as his little coterie flocked forward. Just as Sirius was about to step through, Orion’s heart jolted. “Wait!”

“Daddy!” Regulus cried, immediately abandoning his pack and waddling hurriedly over. “What is it? Are you well?”

Orion could not say why his heart was beating a staccato in his chest as he reached over and brought both his sons into his embrace. He hoped, beyond all hope, that his desperate need to convey his love was felt, though no words were spoken. He held onto them tighter, and felt his embrace reciprocated thousand fold, with the warmth of several hands overtaking his-

“What,” Orion said, flummoxed, as he registered all the children’s hands covering him. “Why is everyone hugging me.”

“Oh my sweet, stupid, husband!” Walburga cried, and really there was no need for the insult, Orion thought. “How can you not see, that your boundless honour and steady and loving leadership has saved these children, this house, and our futures? Your one decision to protect your sons has inspired this loyalty unto you!”

“Oh I say,” Orion mumbled, as the hands clung to him tighter while his lady wife cried. “This is unprecedented,” Orion addressed Tom. “Do something!”

“Stop trying to swarm my husband,” Tom called to the students. “If anyone should be hugging him, it is me.”

“Ew,” Sirius grumbled.

Tom swatted away the children to rescue Orion, before smiling at him. “You saved me as much as anyone else. I was on a very dark and lonely path indeed, and your single minded dedication to saving your children - and by extension, all of these children - gave me an opportunity that I never thought that I would have. I have a plethora of children, and one more on the way. I have respectability, and a place in society.”

Tom paused, and looked deeply into Orion’s eyes, but there was no trace of the heat of his passions, or his possessive lust. Instead, there was a heretofore unseen placidity. “But I have no doubt that I would give everything up - the power, the prestige, the respect - for what I have in the four walls of this house. For our family.”

“Oh,” Orion whispered, overcome by emotion. “Well. That is to say, I, er-“ and then he blushed, in lieu of speech. This seemed to satisfy Tom’s possessive, devious, twisty little heart, his lips curling up most devilishly.

“I love you both too!” Regulus chirped, ruining the moment. Tom rolled his eyes good naturedly, and mushed Regulus to his side in a manly side hug.

“Take the kids, go on,” Orion choked out. “But I must have a word with Sirius first. Leave him for now, I will send him separately.”

Tom nodded and proceeded to kick his menagerie of meddling students through the fire, while Sirius loitered, looking hesitant. “What’s the matter, dad?” he asked unsurely.

Orion beckoned silently for Sirius to follow him, taking his firstborn through to his study. Orion’s normal stride, which once so intimidated his son, was now an endearing little waddle, which now allowed for Sirius to fall in step with him easily. Orion shot an irritated glare at his son’s shit-eating grin, and tried to waddle with as much dignity as he could muster.

It was with great relief that Orion lowered himself onto the sofa in his study, where he was joined by his son, pressing into his side like a lemur with an attachment disorder. “Do you particularly mind?” Orion asked dryly.

“I don’t, but this is a loveseat,” Sirius said. “You’re very warm, I don’t particularly enjoy the sensation of overheated dad.”

“Hush,” Orion grumbled, fixing his eldest with a stern look, still every bit the Lord of the Manor, though he was battling acid reflux. “We must speak.”

“What about?”

Orion sighed, his expression heavy. “Not one year ago, I expressed my disappointment in your brash actions that caused your brother much pain. I made it clear then, that you would redeem yourself by being the Heir that I needed.

“I was perhaps remiss at the time,” Orion sighed. “Matters spiralled quickly, and so much has happened. Through it all, you have been the son and support that I had never thought possible. You’ve shown me that your character is as strong as any of our ancestors, better, even.”

Sirius looked gobsmacked as Orion met his eyes. “Every day, you make me proud. Every day, I am reminded that you are my son, my first born, my first true love, and that I cannot have asked for more in my Heir. You do me proud, and you do your family proud. Remember that, come what may.”

Sirius spent precisely two seconds gaping at his patrician father’s openness, before bursting into tears. He heard a vague, “oh egads”, from Orion, but he was too busy bawling his heart out, having compartmentalized and hidden away his child-like craving for parental affection for so long.

So loud was his weeping that a worried Walburga walked in, usually not one to disturb the ongoings in his husband’s study. Upon seeing her son sobbing, and Orion looking distinctly uncomfortable and exasperated, she pieced together what must have took place. “Honestly,” she grumbled, briskly extracting her hanky from her sleeve and dabbing her son’s face, “you men. You could do with a great deal more of emotional expression.”

“And you could do with a great deal less,” Orion grumbled.

By this time, Sirius had emerged once more, his eyes and nose red from his outburst of tears and his mother’s scrubbing his face. “Urgh,” he sniffled. “I am wet.”

“As it happens, so am I,” Orion said, and looked down at his crotch, where clear water was leaking down to the floor. He looked at his horrified wife innocently. “What do I do now?”

“I- you- the baby-“ Walburga spluttered in disbelief , before gathering herself, her bosoms, and her lung capacity. “KREACHER!”

“Mistress shrieked,” Kreacher said, bowing as he popped in.

“Master Orion is to have the baby now!”

Kreacher looked critically at Orion before casting a drying charm. “So it is time. Kreacher will call Master Arcturus-“

“Why are you calling my father!” Orion panicked, having never had an overly loving relationship with his father.

“Master Arcturus has a clinic at his house,” Kreacher reminded them, “on account of being a healer. Is you forgetting, Master Orion?”

“Er. No,” Orion mumbled. “I suppose that makes se- wait! My father is going to extract the babe?”

“Yes, that is correct.”

“My father, who never hugged me, and has forever shit upon my choice in pursuing a career in law, is now going to cut me open and muck around with my innards?” Orion screeched.

“Kreacher will be there as well,” the elf said, as though this was any cause for relief.

“Sirius, go and floo your grandfather, tell him to prepare his surgery,” Walburga ordered her son.

“Should I call Pops too?”

“No, the birthing room is no place for men,” Walburga sniffed.

“I am a man!” Orion seethed. “And I am about to be cut into!”

“Hush. I meant for men to loiter,” Walburga said. “They never help anything. You, at least, are an active participant in the process. Come, husband, on your feet. Put your weight on me-“

Orion groaned and allowed himself to be gently push-waddled into the floo, where his own father was waiting, an imperious look on his face. “Well, what are you waiting for? On the table boy, haven’t got all day, that babe is about to come out.”

Orion allowed himself to be manhandled and swiftly sedated, but not before he tried to catch a last glimpse of his wife and son.

Instead, the last thing that he saw was Kreacher.

“The sedation is working now,” his unforgivingly ugly elf croaked. “You is going to sleep in three, two, one…”

***

Orion awoke to the sensation of tremendous abdominal discomfort, and the sound of brassy wails.

“Huzzah, my child is born,” Orion smiled through his pain. “Give her over, I want to see,” he said, allowing Walburga to reposition his arms to hold his tiny baby.

Orion looked down at his impossibly tiny daughter, and felt a wave of love take over his heart. Only…

“Burga.”

“What?”

Orion leaned over to whisper anxiously into his wife’s ear. “Why does she look like Kreacher?”

Walburga drew back, looking heavenwards for support. “That is exactly what both Sirius and Regulus looked like when they were born! Honestly, you men! This is why we don’t let you see the babes till they are cleaned off, lest you engage all manner of stupid thoughts!”

“She’s cute,” Sirius smiled. “Hey dad, I saw your intestines.”

“What?”

“I was in the room, no one told me to leave,” Sirius shrugged. “Besides, it was cool. Grandpapa removed the uterus and healed you right up. He said it would take a while for the skin regenerative potions to work fully, but you should be alright.”

“Egads,” Orion mumbled, and looked down at his child again, smiling as she opened her perfectly silvery eyes. Ah, the joys of inbreeding. “Hello Poppet.”

“Bwaa,” Poppet replied.

“She’s lovely,” Orion smiled. “Has anyone thought to tell Tom that his daughter has been born?”

“Not yet. We will tell him once we get you back home, and the baby properly cleaned,” Walburga smiled. “I rather think Sirius ought to tell him.”

“When can I be moved?” Orion asked his father, who was tossing Orion’s now defunct placenta into a tank. “Honestly papa, have a care,” Orion whinged.

“What? The babe is born, she is healthy, and looks like me. The placenta has no more use, be practical son,” Arcturus sniffed, before leaning over and smiling at his latest grandchild before stealing her and wiping her down. “Who is my prettiest, loveliest, least likely to go mad or be an unambitious drip granddaughter? Is it you? Yes it is!”

“This is ridiculous,” Orion grumbled. “Every time one of us gives birth, you turn into a slightly diabolical marshmallow. Where, precisely, was this affection when Cygnus or I were born?”

“Hidden deep inside my gut.”

“What’s wrong with your heart?”

“It is mildly undersized. Physiologically, I mean, not emotionally. I am a very emotive man.”

“Papa! How could you not tell us this until now!” Orion cried in alarm. “Also, you have never once expressed an emotion unto me.”

“I have expressed plenty, but you were a babe yourself. Then you became a toddler and became a hellion.”

Arcturus then passed Poppet back to Orion, who silently promised her that his own normal sized heart would always be full of love for her. As Orion was wheeled back to the floo, he turned back to his father. “Papa, thank you.”

“You are welcome,” Arcturus sniffed, and put a bubble head charm around Poppet, to protect her from the soot. “Come, Poppet, let us go home-“

“Eh?”

Arcturus looked archly at his son. “Surely you did not think that I would not come with you.”

“Oh. Er-“

Orion’s stumbling refusal was swallowed up by the flames, ready to transport them home.

***

Tom looked up from his book as his fireplace lit up, and Sirius’ head sat in the grate. “Ah, son,” Tom said, as Nagini wiggled over to bump Sirius’ cheek with her snout, “come through.”

“Er, actually, why don’t you come through?” Sirius propositioned.

Tom raised an unimpressed eyebrow at his son not of his loins, whose wide grin was doing little to conceal a major development. “What happened? I told that old fool Dumbledore that you would be back in good time-“

“I’ll probably come back with you, but dad wants to see you first,” Sirius said.

“Why didn’t you just say that,” Tom muttered sourly, and stepped through, only to trip and land on top of Sirius, who hadn’t moved away fast enough. “Ugh, you are intolerably bony,” Tom grumbled, getting up.

“I just had a growth spurt!” Sirius cried. “Come on, dad’s upstairs, he wants to show you something.”

Tom grunted and followed Sirius upstairs, opening the door to his marital chambers to reveal Orion in bed, holding a baby-

A baby.

Tom’s vision went fuzzy for a minute, and by the time it had cleared, he was seated in the armchair in the room, cradling his abysmally small infant daughter in his arms, while Sirius was squished in next to him, playing with his baby sister’s tiny fingers and toes, naming each of them after their ancestors. Having overcome his shock, Tom zoned into Sirius’ dialogue with Poppet. “…did you just name her little toe ‘Salazar’?”

“Yeah, he’s your ancestor, isn’t he? Her middle toe is Morgana, whom the Blacks are descended from.”

“Cease naming her digits after our venerable ancestors.”

“You say that, but I’ve talked to Slytherin’s portrait at school, and he told me that the best way to woo a man of gentle nature was to “giveth unto him magically powerful objects linked with the element of fyre, such that he knoweth the flames of thine passions’.”

“And what did he say for women?” Orion sniggered.

“He was going on about appealing to the ‘gentle and peaceable nature of a good woman’, but then Gryffindor barged into the portrait and bumped Slutherin with his stomach and then Slytherin started cussing at him, so I left,” Sirius smiled cheekily.

Tom used this light banter as time to bond with his child. She was, in his eyes, the most perfect little thing to ever exist. She looked rather expectedly like Orion, down to the wispy, dark hair, and the silvery eyes. She had Tom’s aquiline nose though - the nose of her muggle grandfather.

As the family conversed around him, an idea took Tom. He looked at Sirius, and attracted his attention. “Be a dear and fetch Nagini, would you? The floo connection is still open.”

“Er,” Sirius hesitated, “would she know to follow me through?”

“She will, just speak to her, she understands just fine,” Tom said. “She will want to see her newest grandchild.”

Orion smiled. “So you have accepted her matriarchal position, then?”

“Oh rather, it's difficult to stop her reminding you. It’s all she talks about, really.”

Nagini appeared in record time, dropping onto the floor frommSirius’ shoulders, and rushing over to inspect the human hatchling. “Hellooo sssnakelet,” Nagini hissed.

To everyone’s surprise, Poppet, who had been fussing in Tom’s arms, stilled and turned her large, luminous eyes over to Nagini, before hissing back.

“By jove!” Orion goggled, as Tom smiled proudly, “is Poppet speaking?”

“Ha, no,” Tom chuckled. “It is the equivalent of baby-babble, but it is still Parseltongue. She has the gift,” Tom said, and chose that moment to break down into tears.

Orion smiled, having expected the reaction. “Sirius, go back to school and tell Regulus that Poppet has been born. You and he can visit properly on the weekend. Yes,” Orion sighed, as Sirius opened his mouth, “the rest of the duckling squad can visit as well.”

Tom was still ugly crying when Sirius left with a parting pat on his back. “Tom,” Orion called, and Tom migrated over to the bed and wept on Orion.

“Thank you, thank you,” he choked out between tears. “You gave me the one thing I thought I would never have. You gave me children, and shared your life with me, and all I ever gave you was a huge scar on your abdomen-“

“Papa said it would heal,” Orion replied gently. “And honestly Tom, it hurt not a whit, not when I look at her.”

Walburga, who had pushed both her sons out through her tender parts with minimal sedation, rolled her eyes. Hard.

At this point, Poppet began to squeal, making her hunger known. Walburga gently lifted her out of Tom’s arms, popped out a lactation potion-enhanced breast and began to nurse her new child. “Egads,” she murmured after a second, “I do think that she takes after Sirius. He used to suckle with such single-minded dedication!”

Tom startled. His delicate little petal taking after her dazzling, bold, and loud eldest brother? “Oh come now, I think she may-“

“BAAAARRRPPP.”

“-nevermind, she definitely takes after Sirius,” Tom sighed, as Walburga giggled after burping her daughter.

“Do you think it proper to take her to Cygnus?” Tom asked delicately.

“I think Cyggie would be very hurt if he did not see her,” Orion said. “He won’t hold his grief over Bella over you or Poppet, Tom, he is a better man than that. He has ever been decent and goodhearted, and very even-keeled.”

“I’ll call him over,” Walburga said quietly. Tom and Orion watched Walburga leave, and spent the time alone fawning over Poppet, who continued to resemble a withered prune with eyes. Not a few minutes later, there was a scuffle from the parlour, and Cygnus hurried into the room, looking a tad disheveled.

“What ho, what ho,” he beamed, as his wife followed more sedately. Spotting his new niece, Cygnus burst into action, lying down next to his brother and placing Poppet on his own belly to look adoringly at her.

“Hello Cygnus, I am fine, thanks. Not as though I just had a human removed from my abdomen and saw mine own father tossing my placenta into the sink,” Orion grumbled.

Cygnus smiled and kissed his brother on the cheek. “I know you’re fine, twit, I spoke to papa, he told me everything. I wanted to see Pompea.”

“We’ve been calling her Poppet,” Tom said. “I rather forgot that we named her Pompea, actually.”

Cygnus tuned everything out to make googly eyes at his niece, who googled right back at him. Orion smiled at the sight, and patted his brother’s knee. “Cygnus, I’ve a favour to ask you.”

“Hm, yes?” Cygnus said, still thoroughly distracted.

“I can never replace your girl, Cygnus,” Orion said quietly, watching Cygnus still at his words. “I cannot imagine your pain, but I can offer you my trust that you will love Poppet as your own. We have spoken about this, and agree that we would like you to be her godfather.”

Cygnus did not respond other than kissing his niece on top of her little head. “Of course,” he smiled sadly. “I would not have it any other way. I will love her the same as I have loved all of my other children. I will stand by her, love her, play with her, and teach her maths, as I have done for all of our children in the past.”

“Why maths?” Tom asked.

“Orion is famously bad at maths,” Cygnus revealed, “and Walburga failed arithmancy.”

“Stop revealing my failings, Cygnus!” Walburga hissed at her paternal cousin/brother-in-law.

“He speaks the truth, do you deny it, cousin?” Druella snickered at her maternal cousin/sister-in-law.

By god, but they were inbred.

“Is anyone in your family, apart from Cygnus, good at maths?” Tom asked. “It is a very important life skill.”

“Regulus is decent at maths,” Orion mused. “So is Andromeda- for god’s sake, would you lot stop flinching when I say her name! I am fairly sure that Sirius is going to reinstate her and her chameleon spawn once he is Lord Black!”

“I’ve seen my chameleon grand-spawn,” Cygnus admitted. “I went to the park disguised as an old crone, and I gave her a cockroach cluster.”

“Why do you hate children, Cygnus?” Orion sighed.

“Cockroach clusters are crunchy and flavourful!” Cygnus insisted. “The child said so too, so I am not alone in this opinion. You are all simply close minded.”

“And you have confirmed to me that you are part insectoid!” Orion rebutted. “I won’t have those dead bugs in my pantry.”

“Rest assured, they are nowhere near your pantry.”

“No, because you are a strange frog-like being who carries them in your pockets to feast on!” Orion said. “I know you, ever since you were a child, you had cockroach clusters, jellied slugs, and whatnot stashed in your pockets!”

“You are simply bigoted against natural protein!” Cygnus huffed. “I will teach Poppet to appreciate my brand of sweets.”

“No you shan’t, you odd creature!”

“I am surprised that your daughter did not recognize you at the park,” Tom remarked. “You are not quite the master of disguise.”

“Oh she did,” Cygnus revealed. “She said ‘why must you always do this, papa’, and shook her head, which gave me time to escape.”

“You have been wilfully seeing Andromeda?” Druella asked sharply, making Cygnus quail. “Horrid man, why did you not tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to have a conniption, dear,” Cygnus muttered.

“I shall have a conniption at you when we get home!” Druella declared. “Next time,” she said, more gently, “take me with you.”

“Oh good, what shall we go disguised as?”

“I am not going to disguise myself, you obtuse beetle!” Druella seethed. “I am trying to bring my daughter back into the fold! Life is too short to hold these types of grudges. It is sad that it took my losing one daughter to see it, but I shan’t be short sighted anymore.”

“Good on you, Dru,” Orion said. “Oh look everyone, Poppet is stretching, her skin looks like the flaps of a lizard’s dewlap.”

The family gathered in to watch, and shared opinions of the hereditary dry-skin that Poppet seemed to have as well, and shared their individual potions regimens while Tom listened in horror. And for a while, all was peaceable in Grimmauld Place.

Chapter Text

There was, however, no peace to be had at Hogwarts.

“You were there for Poppet’s birth! You cad!” Regulus whinged at his brother. “Is she very cute? I bet she is. How is daddy, is he in much pain? And papa! He must have been so shocked, Poppet is premature, after all. Is she completely health-“

“Would you kindly zip it, Reggie?” Sirius asked kindly, while squishing his brother’s jaw between his hands, one hand on top of Reg’s head, and the other underneath his jaw. “You’ll see everyone over the weekend anyway. In fact, dad has extended the invitation to the entire ‘duckling squad’, as he refers to you all.”

“He calls us ducklings?” Remus asked, amused.

“I think it’s because we always travel together,” Sirius shrugged.

“We could have been the wolfpack, or the pride, but he went for ducklings,” James noted. “Still, we ought to get him a gift for birthing Poppet.”

“What a darling idea!” Regulus cried, turning his glittering gaze upon his beloved James, who basked in the adoration. Peter, who was stood between them, felt nausea overpower him as the waves of their pure love assailed him.

“We should visit Hogsmeade before going to see them, get all our gifts in order,” James hummed.

At this point, Remus looked mildly uncomfortable. “I struggle to think what to buy. Surely nothing that I get will match the expectations or wealth that the family would expect.”

“Oh Rem!” Regulus cried sadly. “How could you think that way! What matters is the purity of your thoughts and affection behind the gift, not its material value!”

“How are you in Slytherin?” Sirius goggled at his brother. “Surely you would have been a shoe-in for Hufflepuff.”

“The hat considered sending me to Hufflepuff, but I asked for Slytherin, because I did not want daddy to have another conniption.”

“Dad had a conniption when I went to Gryffindor?” Sirius asked, laughing.

“Oh it was awful!” Regulus recalled. “He had a spasm, and it caused his back to catch! Mummy had to rub it with hot towels, but she was so mad that she rubbed too hard and caused more damage, both emotional and physical.”

“I wonder if Poppet will sort like me,” Sirius mused.

“Doubtful,” Barty piped up. “Her dad is Lord McFreaking Slytherin.”

“McFreaking?” Lily asked, her lips twitching up.

“Your dad took us to McDonalds,” James informed her. “Barty got nuggets.”

“I still can’t believe that my dad is filing to get apprenticeship for Barty,” Lily sighed. “Petunia wrote and said that she was delighted, because Barty called her hair ‘pretty’ and agreed with her about the prejudice towards muggles. Now they want to overthrow the current Statute of Secrecy, one step at a time.”

“Having a recognized apprenticeship with a muggle business would definitely be a good first step,” Sirius concurred. “It’s practically unheard of. Go and stick it to the man, Barty, I’ll hold your flower.”

“Thank you!” Barty beamed, while Rab looked at him with goopy adoration, because Barty was a Man of Action, who did macho things like building furniture. Ah! Rab could envision his idyllic little life now - just he and Barty living in the countryside in a little cottage, with Barty’s little workshop a stone’s throw away. Rab would breed kneazles and keep house, while Barty would build his wares and come home in the evening to a hot dinner, after which they would snuggle under the blankets-

“Hello Rab? Anyone home?”

Rab’s tiny daydreams were cruelly shattered by his friends, who, by either intuition (Lily, James, Barty, Reg, Peter and Sirius) or legilimency (Snape), knew what he had been thinking.

“W- we should start planning for the weekend!” Rab squeaked quickly, then made to turn, missed his balance, and fell on his prosthetic foot at an odd angle. “Owie.”

Snape sighed deeply and hiked up a squeaking Rab’s robes to reattach his foot. Being one to follow the traditional wizard’s dress sense, Rab did not, in fact, wear trousers under his robes - now a fact revealed to all. “My modesty!”

By this time, Severus had succeeded on reattaching Rab’s foot, and look exasperatedly at him. “Honestly. No one cares about your anemic, matchstick legs. And speaking of your false leg, we really ought to go about getting Black a false arm - the gaping sleeve is really quite jarring.”

“But you still love me, right?” Sirius asked quickly.

Snape sighed. “Honestly, stop being insecure about your looks and my dedication, lest I throw a cauldron at you, Black. I know my own mind, and despite everything, every sign in the universe, I have chosen to be with you, half-armed or not.”

Sirius settled into a goopy sort of contentment, happy that he was loved and adored. With another sigh, Snape out his arm around Sirius, drawing him to his own side. “Stupid beloved,” he grumbled, with no heat to his words. Sirius only sparkled further at this, causing Snape to smile reluctantly.

Despite everything, he loved his little fool boyfriend.

***

“Darling, the lemmings are here to see the baby,” Tom announced to Orion, as the entire gang waddled in to look at the baby.

“We bought you a gift, Lord Black,” James said, holding out the wrapped box.

Orion smiled like a lizard that had found a most pleasing patch of sunlight. “For me? How thoughtful, thank you.” He paused to open it. “Ooh, goose feather quills, how lovely! Now I can write scathing letters in style.”

“Who will you write to?”

“I think I shall pen a letter to Lord MacMillian. I found his debate on the restriction of centaur magic odious. I mean, he's just jealous because he failed his astronomy OWL, and I shall remind him of it.”

During this time, Regulus was fawning over his sister. “How gorgeous she is, and delicate, like a rosebud!” he trilled. “To think that I will have the joys of being an older brother, at long last! I hope that I shall be as good a brother as Sirius was to me,” he said insipidly, unknowing and uncaring that his words made Sirius blush like a tomato past it’s plucking stage.

“How’s your scar, dad? Sirius asked his father. “It looked a tad red when I saw it last.”

Orion peeked down his shirt at his pale, anemic, belly. “It is greatly healed, though it has been a struggle, due to my own father administering the salve. That man, who only ever hugged me on my birthday, is now touching my stomach on a daily basis! It is most irregular.”

“If it makes you feel better, he is using the excuse to tend to you as a means to spend time with Poppet,” Walburga hummed.

“…that does make me feel a bit better,” Orion admitted. “At least I know that he is not getting mushy about me.”

Meanwhile, James was staring goopily at Regulus, who was snuggling with the baby and looking not unlike an angel bringing their blessings upon a newborn. The last bit was thought by only James, as was proved when Sirius danced over, called Regulus a pigeon, and stole Poppet from him.

James came to the rescue and sat next to a pouting Regulus. “You looked angelic with the baby,” he gushed, but quietly - Regulus’ evil guardian angel-stepfather was within earshot. “I simply can’t wait until we are able to get married.”

Regulus perked up and blushed at James’ open adoration. From where he stood five feet away, Sirius felt a wave of Ugh wash over him at the sight of his literal bro and his best bro being domestic; “Daaaaad, Reg and James are being gooey,” Sirius tattled, and within a half second, Tom was breathing fire over James’ head, sending him scuttling away like a lobster that was going to be late for the bus home to his lobster wife.

Meanwhile, Remus was having a cuddle with the baby. “Ah,” he noted, “pomegranate.”

“Pardon?”

“Pomegranate,” Remus repeated. “Her scent. It is actually similar to yours, sir,” he said, nodding to Orion. This, then, triggered a mass sniff test.

“Rosewater, licorice, and plum,” Remus recited quickly, looking at James, Peter, and Sirius respectively.

“That was fast,” Peter observed.

“Yes, I have had several years sampling various smells to develop an encyclopedic knowledge of scents.”

“That’s very impressive,” Snape said, reluctantly impressed.

“Thank you, candied ginger,” Remus smiled.

Lily giggled at Severus’ affronted look. “Candied ginger,” she giggled. “Ooh, do me.”

“Hot cross buns,” Remus replied promptly. “Innuendo not intended.”

“What about Papa Tom?” Regulus asked.

Remus tilted his head in thought, while Tom sweated. Would Remus be able to pick up on his soul, cut up like pizza, from a possible change in his scent? He would become a pariah, he would lose everything that he had fought for-

“Banana,” Remus finally settled on, and Tom exhaled, a subdued sigh of relief.

The visit continued with everyone fawning over the baby, and it being revealed that Peter knew an inordinate amount inordinate amount about newborns. “Well yes, I do live on a dairy farm, you know,” he said. “I am always in time for Abraxan foaling season back home. bBabies are the same, regardless of species.”

“You just likened my daughter to a horse,” Orion deadpanned.

“A winged horse,” Peter said, trying to salvage the situation. “Majestic and what not.”

“Well,” Orion sniffed. “Someone is definitely not godfather.”

“Aww,” Peter whinged, but this caused everyone else to perk up their ears.

“Godfather? Ooh, do tell, daddy!” Regulus beamed. “Who else is in the running?”

“Well, you people, essentially,” Orion hummed. “You’ve been the only ones here throughout the whole process.”

“No one from the old blood?” Walburga asked skeptically.

“I’m sorry, I must have missed where Micah Greengrass sent me weekly letters and attached tiny, obscure flowers to them in a bid to mitigate pregnancy blues,” Orion replied.

Sirius looked appreciatively at Lily. “Aw, that was sweet of you, Lils.”

“What are you talking about, those letters were from Lupin.”

“Er. Thanks, Remus,” Sirius smiled hesitantly.

“Mention not,” Remus smiled, and continued purring wolfishly as he bounced Poppet to sleep.

Orion watched intently before clearing his throat and announcing, “I, with my most keen mind, do think that I ought to make Lupin the godfather. He is most thoughtful, and dangerous to people not in this room.”

Walburga tripped over herself and fell into Tom, who nearly met his end when he suffocated in her bosoms of mayhem. Moving the flesh balloons quickly aside, he gaped, “Lupin!”

“Quite, quite,” Orion nodded, full of surety. “See, how he even now uses his lupine sensibilities to put Poppet to sleep. Besides, he is to be our vassal, and will swear a magical oath to the Black family in that capacity. His loyalty to us is beyond reproach.”

“True,” Remus said peaceably. “I do not hesitate to harm people who pose a threat to my loved ones.”

“Oh egads,” Tom murmured, aghast at the idea of being a loved one to Remus. Tom watched as Remus snuffled the top of poppet’s head and settled her squirming little body in the crook of his arm, and slowly felt his misgivings ease away. “That is to say,” he coughed, “it seems a wise choice.”

Remus beamed, and for one moment, all of his guards fell away, allowing his true light to shine through. Lily sighed happily and felt her knees go weak. James, too, felt his knees go slightly weak at the sight, but recovered quickly.

Orion watched his family, once so small and mired in darkness, now growing at an alarming rate. It was now filled with halfbloods, and halfbreeds, and a muggleborn, who all seemed content to trust him with their lives. It would have been unthinkable a scant few months ago, but now, he could not imagine it being any other way.

And to think, all this had happened because Regulus had fallen into the lake.

Orion watched his children laughing, enjoying life, and felt a deep sense of contentment the likes he had never experienced before. Regulus, whose escapade had started this whole tale, was being discreetly ogled by his doting fiance. Sirius was using his arm stub to harass Snape, who was trying very hard to be disapproving, but was allowing fond amusement to creep in.

Poppet - his miraculous Poppet - was now in Tom’s arms again, but was looking for nourishment in the form of Walburga’s potion-enhanced mammary machines.

So taken was he by the image that his family cut, that Orion failed to notice the cold, twisting feeling at his feet until it started to slither up his leg. Peeling back the blanket, he saw Nagini, gazing placidly at him. “Erm. Hello,” Orion said politely, to what was essentially his mother-in-law. “All’s well that ends well, hm?”

Nagini bobbed her head in assent, and slithered up to curl up beside Orion protectively. “I bet that no one had thought that our lives could be so blissful,” Orion said quietly to her. “Everyone is happy, and safe. I cannot imagine that Lady Luck had thought much of us before, but mayhaps we did something to earn her goodwill.”

Orion looked back around to his sons systematically squishing Tom into the sofa crease with their affection, and Poppet squirming around, looking small and pink and cute-ugly in the way all newborns did.

Yes, they were all truly blessed.