Work Text:
The hubbub of the inn deafened your sensitive ears, even when it was at a considerable distance from you. It only seemed to hurt you more deeply than you already were. Their voices, loud and happy as they sang along to a cheerful gig, were like a treacherous stab to your already bleeding heart. You shook your head, hating yourself when you felt new tears arrive to your eyes again.
Your squeezed the petals in your hand, having deflowered a daisy out of the many that stuck out from the weeds and green grass that surrounded you. With a sigh, you extended your hand and let the petals fall over the water. The river ran before you, tranquil and seemingly unaware of the suffering deep within you. A gale of wind swept over you, drying your tears just as they rolled down your cheeks. You had no strength left to wipe them yourself. You sighed, staring at the bright silver moon that shone above you.
“There you are!” A familiar voice startled you, making you gasp and jolt up when the sacred stillness of the night was broken. “Y/N, I was looking all over for you!”
“I’m fine” You lied, glancing at him for only a second before focusing on the water. The white petals floated on the surface, seeming to look up at you. “It’s fine…”
“Don’t give me that, love” He grunted as he sat down beside you. “It’s not like you to just walk away without saying anything”
You remained quiet. Jaskier didn’t know. How could he? Only you knew of the deep sadness that your heart harbored. Only you knew about the never-ending nights, laying there awake staring at the ceiling with wet eyes and weary thoughts. Only you knew of your perpetual tiredness and your apathy. No one knew your strife, only you.
“Was it Geralt?” The bard continued to endlessly talk, as was his custom. “What did he say this time, that big brute? He is not delicate, I know that much. What did he say to you to make you so upset?”
“I’m not upset” You lied again, feeling like every lie that came out of your mouth only added on to your pain. “And he said nothing to me”
“Was is that other bard, then? I know, you couldn’t bear the sound of his music, having heard the wonderful delight that is mine” Jaskier grinned, intently staring at you. He lingered. You didn’t smile, or glance at him, or moved.
“Alright…” Shifting from playful to serious, he reached out to take your arm and gently tugged at it to gather your attention. “Talk to me, love, what is it?”
You frowned. Daring to look at him, you opened your mouth to reply. It was left open as you gawked at him, unable to say any words. How were you going to explain what was wrong if you didn’t know? How would you explain your sadness if you didn’t know where it came from?
“Why so sad?” Jaskier’s voice was sweet as honey, soft as velvet, fragile like glass. His blue eyes were focused on you, examining your expression as though he intended to read your mind, to understand all the negative thoughts that plagued it in order to know how to fight them.
“I’m…” You began to say, clenching your jaw when you felt your voice shaking. What were you? Only sad? No, emotions were far too complicated to simplify it to only sadness. Were you angry, scared, resigned, frustrated? You mouth opened again, and finally a word came out before you could think further about it. “Tired”
“Well…” He dedicated you a warm smile. “Then come back to the inn, get some sleep. I’ll even sing to you, a lovely little lullaby to-“
“No, Jaskier…” Finally, the emotions that you had been trying too hard to repress started flowing with such force that you couldn’t stop the torrent of tears that they turned into. “I’m tired of being sad!”
His eyes shone with emotion as he looked at you. A wrinkle formed in his brow, observing you with such empathy that it seemed although you had passed over some of your sadness to him. Still, you were far too tired to dwell on that thought. Words started escaping your lips before you could stop to understand what they meant.
“I’m tired of this pain, of this emptiness in my chest… I-I’m tired of not being able to fall asleep at night, of all these negative thoughts… I want to stop seeing how Geralt gets mistreated. I want to stop having to beg for coin at every corner in order to have some food, I want to-to…”
“Y/N…” Jaskier tried, although he couldn’t stop your delirious rambling.
“I want to stop being afraid of getting hurt, of seeing you both get injured on our travels! I want to stop all this danger and all this evil that poisons the hearts of men, all those curses that befall people and that kill innocents! There is no hope, and I just want to be…” You sniffed through your nose as a dawning realization finally washed over you with the force of a tidal wave. “I just want to be happy…”
You hadn’t realized any of these things until you started traveling with them. The world was a cold, cruel place, and it was too much for your sensitive heart. It was crushing it with no mercy, and now it was far too broken. Beyond repair.
Jaskier urgently pulled you in for a hug. Unexpectedly. You didn’t react in time to do anything about it. For weeks now you had hidden all these thoughts, trying to avoid them from weighing on them as well as you. For this very reason, your instinct was to push him away and apologize. Repeat that you were okay and only needed some sleep, that you weren’t thinking clearly. But despite your exhausted state, you knew you were thinking more clearly now than ever. All the confusing combination of emotions had finally been untangled until you could pinpoint each one of them. And you had shouted them all at Jaskier.
“I-I’m sorry…” You gasped, finding it hard to breathe. Whether it was because of Jaskier’s desperately tight embrace or your own anguish, you didn’t know. You didn’t care.
“Sh… it’s alright” He whispered, and his voice was quieter and more tender than you had ever heard it. “Let it out, it’s okay, love”
“I didn’t mean to shout, I…” It was only then that you realized you were both standing. At what point you had stood up and he had followed, you didn’t know.
“It’s alright, Y/N” His body pressed against yours, trying to infuse you with every ounce of comfort he could provide you with.
He wasn’t angry at you. Jaskier didn’t blame you for losing your temper, for bursting out from all the emotions that were eating you up inside. He wasn’t broken because you were. His only concern was comforting you, nothing else.
Completely crumbling down now after his attentive cares, you began bawling your eyes out. Pressing your face against his shoulder, you clung on to his doublet and dampened his undershirt with your tears. As you did, Jaskier held you tight and whispered sweet nothings into your ear. He reminded you it was okay. It was okay to cry, it was okay to feel. It was okay. Everything would be alright.
Your sobs turned into hiccups, the lump in your throat tightened, your knuckles hurt from holding on to him so desperatelyt, your eyes were swollen and your strengths were abandoning you. But Jaskier lingered. He rubbed your back, he caressed your hair, he held you up, he promised you yet again that it would be alright. He never once faltered.
And suddenly, as your crying subsided, everything settled. The weight in your chest lessened, the lump in your throat disappeared and you could breathe again. Perhaps that emptiness in your chest remained, but it had greatly diminished.
“That’s it” Jaskier kissed you in the temple, still pressing his hands against the small of your back. “Any better?”
“Yes…” You whispered, even more exhausted than before. Nonetheless, you were finally speaking the truth. “Thank you”
Slowly, fearing that if you moved too quickly your body would finally give out, you lifted your head to look into his eyes. They were shining with unshed emotional tears, but otherwise he was smiling. That warm smile gave you hope.
“Hey” Jaskier whispered too, wiping your tears with his thumbs. “Listen to me now, alright?”
“Alright” You nodded, holding on to his shoulders for support.
“I know life is shit and the world is terrible, I know” He began saying, which caused you to frown. Your bottom lip trembled as another sob threatened to shake your being just when you thought you were finished. However, Jaskier held one finger up. “But! That isn’t all there is”
“What do you mean?” You leaned your weight on him, tiredly putting your head on his shoulder.
“There’s still lots of beauty left” Jaskier passionately said, and you peered up at him to see him beaming with emotion. “There is laughter, and love, and so many good things”
“What good things?” You muttered, finding it hard to see through the darkness that surrounded you.
“New people to meet, new places to see… So many good things… the beautiful flowers blooming on the road, the delicious bitter taste of ale and the lovely sweet taste of pie… The… the tune of a well-composed ballad, the amusing way in which Geralt grunts when he’s vexed, the feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you wake up before you travel somewhere new. The many wonderful ways our conversations can go and the possibilities of composing whichever ballads my muse inspires, and-and…”
“And?”
“The way your kind eyes shine with the sun, how they light up when I smile at you… The way you touch my arm when I make you laugh and you smile at me in that beautiful way, shaking your head because you can’t believe I just said something so incredibly stupid, or-”
You put a finger against his lips, otherwise frozen in place. Hadn’t you stopped him, you were sure he would have gone on for ages. About you, about the things he adored about you. Endless, you realized, he loved endless things about you.
Jaskier’s eyes widened as he observed you. For the first time since he knew you, he couldn’t understand your expression. He was always attentive, he knew you well and paid attention to your gestures and mannerisms. He paid attention to you and everything that was important to you. Still, this time he was lost in the expressionless look on your face. He couldn’t understand that it was caused by shock.
A trembling breath escaped you as you slowly lifted your finger. Although his mouth was now free, he stayed quiet. He needed to unveil the mystery behind your demeanor. He failed to realize that you had just learned something. That you could see now that you had been too focused in your own pain to see one of the good things in your life, one of the best. Him.
Jaskier was always there for you. He had given you space when you distanced yourself, he had realized all which you tried to conceal, he had read your pain before you could even put it into words. And despite it all, he had respected you enough not to talk about it. Until you were breaking down and he needed to do something about it. He needed to ease your pain in any way he could, and he would do anything to achieve that. Because, and this was your second realization, he loved you.
Your beloved bard, your friend, your traveling companion… he had loved you for a long time. He had fought his emotions for your sake, because you only saw him as a friend. Or so you thought. Because friends don’t lie together every night as close as they possibly can. Friends don’t compose songs for other friends. Friends don’t bleed themselves dry to give you everything they have and they are, not in that way. But that was what you were doing for each other, day after day.
Friends didn’t want to kiss each other, yet somehow you found yourselves staring at the other’s lips. Leaning in slowly. Closing your eyes in anticipation. Passionately pressing your mouths together. Frantically moving your hands to touch each other. To push the other closer, impossibly closer. Until you realized you finally had what you had unknowingly been craving for so long. A certain small dose of happiness that you had yearned for.
Your mouths met. Your lips danced with each other in perfect harmony. Your heart coordinated and began beating like one. You shivered, overwhelmed with euphoria. You broke away breathlessly, peering into each other’s eyes and minds and souls. Feeling closer than you ever were, even as your bodies separated.
His hand lingered in the small of your back. He smiled, and you expected him to make one of his foolish comments. But he didn’t. He only cupped your cheek.
“Are you alright?” He whispered, and you immediately nodded your head.
“Now I am” You sighed, relieved that you could breathe again. “Thank you”
Jaskier’s smile widened. His thumb gingerly caressed your cheek.
“There is always good in the world, Y/N, even when you’re surrounded by evil. And I will always be here to remind you of the beautiful things”