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The air is chilly.
It’s late November and the streets are packed with red and green lights. Faux Christmas trees line every block. People jam into tiny stores, probably shopping for their loved ones. Right, Soobin has to get to gift shopping soon. His head spins trying to recall the internal list he’d made a few days ago. He really has to write it down.
What did his mom say, again? Something about having to shop for his aunts, uncles, and cousins? Soobin racks through his brain for an idea of what to get them. It’s blank. Soobin never mingled that well with them, anyway, always choosing to stay silent unless spoken to during family gatherings. Typical introverted kid. He stifles a laugh. He’ll have to call his mom later on.
But that’s for tomorrow, Soobin decides. He deserves a break tonight.
Beside him, Yeonjun’s talking on and on about his shitty professors and stupid deadlines. Their arms are linked together as they walk through the avenue. The sound of their shoes crushing the golden, fallen leaves mixes with the soft music bursting through the street’s numerous speakers.
Soobin lets Yeonjun talk, hums occasionally to express his sympathy. Junior year is already draining the life out of Soobin, he can't bear to imagine how much worse it is for Yeonjun—senior year must be so hard. The fourth years always have something to complain about, but with good reason. Papers, exams, modules, teachers who just don’t get it. To top it all off, they have college to worry about.
College. Soobin shivers, decides not to think any more of it.
Instead, he grins a bit, slings an arm around Yeonjun’s shoulder. When that doesn’t work, he fiddles with a tuft of hair that has escaped Yeonjun’s beanie. It’s a striking blue, and Soobin remembers the day Yeonjun dyed it. An impulsive decision, that was—it resulted in stained fingers, a stressed-out Taehyun, screams from both Hueningkai and Beomgyu, and Soobin having to explain the entire fiasco to Yeonjun’s neighbors.
Normally, Yeonjun would be doing the talking, but with the state of his hair, Soobin had to step in.
It’s pretty, though, Soobin thinks, especially at night. He continues playing with the blue strands and feels the other boy’s shoulders relax a bit. Yeonjun’s still heated, but at least he doesn’t sound that annoyed anymore. His tone has softened a little. Good.
The air is cold and Soobin wants to stay indoors—and yeah, how Yeonjun managed to convince Soobin to go on a walk with him is still a mystery—but as the street buzzes with activity and bursts to life around the two of them, Soobin feels warmth engulf every crevice of his body.
Yeonjun suddenly stops. It almost makes Soobin trip, their arms are still connected, after all, and Soobin looks over at Yeonjun questioningly.
“Hyung, what—,” Soobin starts, and then, oh.
Oh, because they’re right in front of a boba store. Soobin glances at Yeonjun and feels the beginnings of a laugh erupt inside of him as Yeonjun frantically tries to pull them towards the opposite direction.
“Hyung,” Soobin starts, taking on a cheeky tone. “I did agree to go on this walk with you, so.”
“But that was because you saw how stressed I was!’ Yeonjun counters. “We both know that you would do anything for me.” Soobin’s eyes widen in denial, he shakes his head frantically.
Seeing Soobin so alarmed seems to amuse Yeonjun. He cracks into a smirk. “And besides, we didn’t have any deals or conditions or anything. Also, didn’t you already have milk tea a few days ago?”
Soobin’s lips form a pout.
He doesn’t miss the way Yeonjun’s eyes flit down, then back up again.
“Hyung,” he whines. “Please? You can go get your stupid, overpriced Americano after this. Then we can sit somewhere for a bit. My feet kinda hurt already.”
Soobin’s met with an eye roll. “Fine,” Yeonjun says in defeat, but they’re already through the door, Soobin’s hand has already pushed the glass open.
“You’re the best, hyung.” Soobin pinches Yeonjun’s cheek. Squishes the soft skin. “Cute, cute, cute,” Soobin murmurs cheekily, stretching Yeonjun’s skin with every syllable. “My best hyung.”
Instead of the look of exasperation Soobin was expecting, Yeonjun stares at Soobin with something deep, unreadable in his gaze. Delicate, swirling.
Soobin feels his stomach go wild. He’s too weak for this.
As if he were burnt, Soobin’s hand moves away from Yeonjun’s cheek. Yeonjun catches it quickly, and softly tugs Soobin towards the cashier.
“C’mon, go order,” Yeonjun encourages. Soobin can taste the hint of a chuckle in Yeonjun’s voice. Soobin flushes. Bright, bright red.
It’s a little too warm in this store.
Boba in Soobin’s hand, they step outside. The wind brushes Soobin’s bangs to the side and he huffs in an attempt to move them back in place. He sees his breath in the air, white from the intense cold. He blows again, just to amuse himself.
Yeonjun guides them towards the center of the street. People surround them again, all engrossed in their own little activities. It’s quite busy. The weeks leading up to Christmas are really hectic. Soobin should’ve started shopping a few months before, he doesn’t want to run into the same crowd. Maybe next year.
Lights hit them from all angles and Soobin feels the warmth grasp all his worries and shove them far, far into the back of his mind. Never mind the incessant cold, he thinks. He scoots a little closer to Yeonjun, allows himself to be tugged to wherever his hyung wants to go.
Music wafts from a nearby store. Ah, Soobin knows this one. Michael Bublé, isn’t it?
“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” he murmurs. Peppermint and gingerbread. His vision is clouded with greens and reds.
Yeonjun looks over at Soobin, eyes shining. “Everywhere you go,” he supplies. Yeonjun smiles in that little secretive way of his.
It reminds Soobin of games of hide-and-seek. Shrieks from their 8-year-old selves as they attempt to flee from Soobin’s mom, whom they always made the seeker. It brings Soobin back to middle school and their lanky, awkward phase. He remembers their first Christmas with Beomgyu and Taehyun and Hueningkai, and how Yeonjun’s little house felt even more complete with all five of them in it. He remembers the carols, he remembers the fireplace. He remembers the fort and how it gave way in the middle of the night—and how they had to laugh into their pillows to avoid being heard by Yeonjun’s mom.
And, how could he forget? He thinks about last year’s Christmas, when both Soobin and Yeonjun were put on decorating duty. It was at Beomgyu’s house, and he remembers the mug of hot chocolate they shared. He remembers the way Yeonjun’s Santa hat was about to fall, after he took a sip. Soobin remembers how he adjusted it, remembers how close Yeonjun suddenly seemed. He remembers leaning in, remembers Yeonjun’s fingers in his hair, gentle but certain.
He can still taste it, sometimes. Strawberries and hot chocolate and gingerbread.
Then he remembers Hueningkai’s shout piercing the air. Something about cookies and burning, something along the lines of Yeonjun-hyung! A little help, please? Soobin remembers the stupid blush on his cheeks and the way Yeonjun’s eyes glimmered with mischief as he walked away.
Ah, yes. The Christmas spirit is finally in the air.
It has been, for a while, Soobin just never really paid attention. He’s been preoccupied with finals and scrambling to finish all his papers. He wanted to clear up his schedule for the season, considering...well.
He doesn’t have much time left and Soobin wants to make the most out of it. Nothing will come in the way of this year’s spirit.
Soobin takes a long sip from his drink and chews on the boba. Slowly. He still has time, though he can feel it start to escape from his grasp.
Sure, it’s Christmas once more, Soobin sings in his head.
“Soobinnie, it’s almost your birthday.”
Soobin hums, resting his head on Yeonjun’s shoulder. They’re at Soobin’s, now. With his mom overseas for a conference, they have the entire house to themselves.
(Like the Mama’s Boy he is, Soobin called her to say that Yeonjun would be spending the night. She just laughed, ended the call with a “Have fun, boys!”)
It’s nearing eight thirty. Soobin’s beginning to feel a little sleepy but he fights it away. They’re both tired and sprawled on the couch, with a Christmas playlist on shuffle.
Yeonjun adjusts the blankets and moves them both, so that they’re lying on their backs and staring at the ceiling. Soobin closes his eyes briefly, tries not to think about everything else he has to accomplish over the next few days.
You can rest tonight, Soobin. You don't have to rush.
He inches closer to Yeonjun and holds him close. Breathes in Yeonjun’s pillowy, powdery detergent. Yeonjun plays with Soobin’s hair lazily.
“Hyung?”
“Yeah?” Yeonjun’s fingers have moved to Soobin’s cheeks now. He pokes at where Soobin’s dimples are supposed to be.
“When are you leaving, again?” Soobin forces his eyes open, raising his eyebrows a bit in question.
Soobin acts as if he doesn't know the answer. Acts like he hasn’t committed Yeonjun’s schedule to heart.
Yeonjun keeps playing with Soobin’s cheeks. “Ah, around late February, I think? School starts in March. I wanna leave a bit earlier so I can organize my dorm and get acquainted with the area.”
Soobin nods in agreement. Of course Yeonjun would do those things—he is a Virgo, after all.
“I’ll miss you, Yeonjun-hyung.” There. Soobin’s swallowing his pride. He doesn’t know when else an opportunity like this will arise. And, jokingly, because he hates being vulnerable like this, “Don’t forget me once you become one of those cool college kids, okay?”
“Of course, Soobinnie,” Yeonjun plays along. “You’ll always be my number one. I’ll tell them I’m unavailable ‘cause a certain friend back home wants me all to himself.”
“Hyung!” Soobin lunges. He tackles Yeonjun and they roll to the soft carpet, laughing all the while. Damn, Soobin will miss this.
It slowly creeps in, again, the dread. The ugly feeling wraps itself around Soobin’s throat. God, not now. Soobin blinks quickly, willing the tears away.
“Jokes aside,” Yeonjun starts. How does he always notice? “I’ll still be here, Binnie. Just a phone call, a message away. It’s disgusting and cliché, I know, but you understand that, right?”
There’s a genuineness to Yeonjun’s tone that makes Soobin want to go back in time and be a kid again. Isn’t he still a kid? When did they grow up?
“Yeah, hyung. Of course.” It comes out wobbly. Soobin’s throat hurts. Stupid, stupid feelings.
Yeonjun laughs a bit, gathers Soobin into his arms. Soobin sniffles and rests his chin on Yeonjun’s shoulder. “You big baby,” he teases, but there’s no menace. “It’s like you’re the one leaving. You still have a year here, you know?”
Soobin wants to melt into his best friend’s hug. He moves a little closer. “I’ll take care of them. Hueningkai and Beomgyu will be distraught, I’ll make plans for ice cream and a movie with them and Taehyun on the day you leave.” Yeonjun’s fingers draw circles on Soobin’s back. “And—and Taehyun, I know he won’t show his sadness, but I’ll look after him, too.”
Soobin starts to calm down. Maybe it’ll be alright. He has this under control.
“Silly Soobinnie, who’s gonna take care of you?” Yeonjun pulls away to look Soobin in the eye. “You have to think of yourself, too. I know how much you overwhelm yourself with shit.”
Soobin snorts in amusement.
“I’m serious.” Yeonjun laughs a bit. The air isn’t so heavy anymore.
“You try so hard, and trust me, that isn’t a bad thing—but don’t beat yourself up too much when things don't go the way you want to. Because they won’t, not all of the time.”
Well, when it’s put that way, Soobin does agree that he’s a bit too harsh on himself. He sighs in defeat, playing with Yeonjun’s fingers.
“I’ll try my best.”
They lapse into comfortable silence, singing along occasionally to the songs flowing from the speaker. This is exactly what Soobin needed, a break.
“By the way, you haven’t answered my question, yet.” Yeonjun murmurs softly. “Do you want anything for your birthday?”
There really isn’t anything that comes to mind. Soobin thinks he’s completely fine with the way things are at the moment.
“No,” Soobin mutters back. “It’s okay, hyung.”
He feels Yeonjun nod. He’s always understood Soobin’s lack of interest in material things. Very rarely does Soobin ask for physical presents—Yeonjun would know.
“Gong Cha with the boys, then?” Yeonjun asks. “My treat.”
“Sounds great.”
Soobin yawns, equal parts sleepy and happy. He curls closer to Yeonjun and relishes in the comfort that washes over him, a gentle wave crashing on the shore. This is how they are, this is how they’ve always been. Yeonjun and Soobin. Complete opposites in the way they present themselves, yet so, so fitting when together. They’ve endured much bigger storms. The future cannot tear them apart.
One last Christmas. Soobin can work with that. He’ll make it count.
February
The car rumbles to life.
Soobin peeks at the window. Sure enough, Beomgyu, Taehyun, and Kai are done hauling Yeonjun’s bags in the car. They appear to be engrossed in conversation now, the bright energy emanating from the trio still so evident despite their distance from where Soobin is.
Soobin smiles fondly. He hopes time doesn’t pass by too quickly. He doesn’t want to leave them so soon.
“And that’s it, I think,” Yeonjun announces as he closes his cabinet door. He flops onto his bed, beckons Soobin closer. “Come give your hyung one last hug.”
It’s just for a year. And Yeonjun’s coming back for a few weeks in August, he’s coming back for Chuseok. He’s coming back before Christmas, too.
But this? Soobin doesn't think this can wait.
A feeling of newfound vigor possesses him. If he doesn’t do this now, when will he be able to?
He strides towards Yeonjun, grabbing his arms and helping him up. Yeonjun’s caught by surprise, his eyes are wide.
Fuck, was that too bold? Soobin doesn’t know what to think.
Yeonjun's eyes are shining, though, just like the first time. Soobin wants to get lost in them. It’s the same swirling brown he’s gazed into for so long. It’s the same one he’s memorized, the same one he’s been running to for comfort.
The same one he fell for, even.
But now, they're staring back at him in a way that Soobin thinks is mirroring his own. This is literally what Soobin’s been dreaming of ever since that Christmas a year ago. His stomach does a backflip, he thinks his fingers are shaking.
Once again, the future is in Soobin’s grasp. And instead of letting it go, he leaps for it this time.
“Hyung, can I?” Soobin whispers, so, so softly. The specifics of his question hang in the air, written in every nook and cranny of Yeonjun’s room.
He drops his gaze to Yeonjun’s lips. They’re parted in slight shock. How is he even prettier up close?
“Okay.”
They crash together, as awkwardly as teenage second-timers do, but god, it feels like everything coming together again. Yeonjun’s lips are soft and they still taste like the strawberry lip balm Soobin remembers.
This is how much I’ll miss you.
Soobin presses closer. He can feel Yeonjun’s lips curl against his. Fuck, is he smiling? Soobin feels like he’s on a sugar high.
Yeonjun is the first to pull away. He presses their foreheads together as they both catch their breaths. Soobin looks up and sees Yeonjun gazing at him with what seems like fondness. Yeonjun smiles and there it is. A hidden secret between the both of them.
Soobin is floaty. His fingers are shaking, his head is buzzing, his lips are tingling.
He thrums with the ghost of something he can’t name.
“Wow,” Soobin manages to squeak. What else does one say in these situations?
Yeonjun laughs. The sound twinkles in Soobin’s ear. Yeah, he will miss this. Soobin inhales the soft scent of Yeonjun’s room. Pillowy, cottony strawberries.
They walk downstairs in complete silence, their footsteps the only noise. Yeonjun opens the front door, and they step out.
Well, this is it.
“Hyung!”
Hueningkai is all smiles today. “I think all your luggage is in the back already!” Yeonjun looks over at Kai endearingly, sharing a fistbump with him. “Thanks, Hueningie.”
Beomgyu opens the passenger seat. “Your mom went back in to get her purse, hyung, but she should be here any moment now—wait.” Beomgyu squints his eyes in confusion and walks closer to Soobin.
He hears Taehyun snicker. Kai loudly sucks in a breath, “Oh my god.”
“Why is Soobin-hyung so red, Yeonjun-hyung?”
Soobin averts his gaze and his cheeks erupt into even more flames. Yeonjun merely laughs. Those brats.
“Shut up, Beomgyu,” Soobin says. Taehyun slaps Soobin on the back, “Nice one, hyung.”
“Guys, stop embarrassing Soobinnie.” Yeonjun smirks. Soobin shoves Yeonjun’s shoulder, hard.
“Okay, I’m sorry!”
Yeonjun looks so happy like this, all four of his friends do. It’s around 9 in the morning. Birds are still chirping. It’s sunny, but the breeze is cool. Soobin cannot think of anywhere else he’d want to be. As they say their goodbyes, emphasized with promises of FaceTimes and threats of you better answer my messages, Soobin slowly feels the moment loosen from his grasp.
But that’s okay, this is how things change, right? They have to. Soobin takes a deep breath and reminds himself that this is only temporary.
“One last group hug?”
They all move towards Yeonjun. It’s a lot of pushing and squealing and stepping on each other’s shoes—but it’s a group hug, nonetheless, and Soobin tucks the memory of it somewhere deep in his heart.
Later on, as Yeonjun’s car drives further and further away, he holds a teary-eyed Hueningkai close. Laughing together with Beomgyu and Taehyun as they record a video of the moment, Soobin feels the sun rise in his chest.
Yeah, it'll be alright.