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Yoongi stares at the stars in the sky. It’s a warm night, but the soft sea breeze makes the air more breathable. The waves are weak and small, adding to the relaxing atmosphere that surrounds him. It would be a perfect spot and moment to write, he thinks, if it wasn’t for the loud laughter he could hear from where he was sitting in the sand.
Finally looking away from the stars that were sparkling specially bright tonight, he turned his head right and his gaze fell on the happy group of friends.
They were sitting on a circle, listening, or not really, to the sound of Jungkook’s guitar. He couldn’t quite make out which song they were yelling in between giggles and snorts, but it sounded like they were going for trot music. It fits them, Yoongi thinks.
The friend group decided to spend the day together at the beach, a small retreat from their busy, tiring lives.
At first, Yoongi tried to find an excuse not to go. In fact, he had one, he simply couldn’t tell his friends. What would they say when Yoongi confessed he didn’t wanna go because he didn’t want to see the man he has been in love with for years, one of his best friends, crushing over another one of his best friends.
Really, he was just being a petty dramatic bitch. He knew it. He knew he had to get over it, to let it go. To allow himself to be happy for once, instead of going after someone who had no interest in him whatsoever.
The thing is, he wasn’t really going after anyone. He didn’t do anything about his feelings. He never told anyone, he never acted on it. Hell, he even gave advice to his best friend, that he was very much head over heels with, on how to get his other best friend’s attention. His life was a joke, but it’s like he was asking for it. Like he was asking for the pain, like he enjoyed it and craved it.
Because he did. He would much rather be hurt every time he had to look at them together, all smiles and soft, shy touches, than not to feel anything at all. At least he had something, he thinks. At least he wasn’t feeling empty, like he was before he fell for Hoseok.
The emptiness, he remembers, was something he couldn’t stand. It crawled into heart and soul, slowly but surely and gave no way and space for anything else to get inside. He felt numb, the internal void turning him into someone quiet, emotionally constipated, tired. His chest felt hollow and he simply couldn’t feel anything else, just a pitch black hole inside of him.
And then Hoseok came into the picture. So suddenly and surprisingly, without any warning. He settled into their friend group out of nowhere, the same way he creeped into Yoongi’s heart. If felt weird and, at first, it scared the older man. It scared him, because emptiness was all he was used to feeling. And then, unexpectedly, Hoseok was everywhere.
He was in the booth of the bar they always used to hang out in, he was in the couches and kitchens of their apartments, he was in their car seats. He was in Yoongi’s mind, he was in Yoongi’s fingers, he was in Yoongi’s heart. And that’s when Yoongi realized the emptiness had disappeared, replaced by the bright existence of the younger man.
That’s why, when Yoongi finally accepted his feelings for what they really were and admitted to himself that he was, in fact, in love with his newest best friend, he had to stay silent about it. Because it was too late. Because Hoseok was already crushing over Taehyung and he couldn’t do that to him. He couldn’t be selfish like that. So he swallowed it up and became the greatest friend he could be. He became Hoseok’s emotional support.
And it was painful. It hurted him to see the two younger men always hugging and touching and smiling at each other with so much fondness in both of their eyes. Always playful, always laughing and joking around. That was their dynamic, they were always so happy around each other. And it was painful.
But Yoongi made his choice. He chose the pain over the emptiness. He wouldn’t go back there. So that brings him here.
From where he was sitting far away from his friends, he could see them. He could see all of them, but he was only looking at those two particular men. Yoongi didn’t look away as he watched the two with their arms around each other’s shoulders, laughing and yelling random lyrics. Yoongi didn’t look away when Hoseok turned his head and looked in his direction. Yoongi didn’t look away when their gazes locked. He didn’t look away when Hoseok made a face that asked “you okay?”. Yoongi didn’t look away when Taehyung grabbed the other’s face and placed a sloppy kiss on his cheek, with all too much teeth from the way he was still laughing. Yoongi didn’t look away when Hoseok blushed and buried his head on Taehyung’s neck.
Yoongi never looks away when these things happen. Because that’s when the pain gets deeper into his chest, making it hard to breathe. That’s when he knows he’s not empty. So he looks.
After a while of staring at the group and then at the sky and the sea, Yoongi feels someone getting closer and sitting beside him. He doesn’t need to look to know who it is. Yoongi knows him too well.
“We had a nice day, didn’t we?” Hoseok asks, and Yoongi knows there’s a faint smile on his lips.
“Yeah.” Yoongi says, and his voice comes out too raspy. He clears his throat. “You can go back, I just needed a moment to...” Yoongi moves his hands, not sure what to say. “I’m going back too. Let’s go.” He makes a movement of getting up, but there’s a hand on his wrist, pulling him down again.
“Hyung...” Hoseok whispers, and Yoongi finally dares looking at him. His cheeks are red, his eyes sparkling. There’s this happy aura around him, as usual. It makes Yoongi’s heart flutter and ache at the same time. “You’ve been so distant all day. Is there something bothering you? Is it work?” The younger’s man voice is soft, sincere.
“No, Hoseokie. Everything’s good at work, don’t worry.” Yoongi sighs. “Everything’s good in every aspect, really. Sorry for making you worry. Just wasn’t feeling too well, but I had a lot of fun with you guys today.” Yoongi tries to reassure him, and he has become a master at hiding his own feelings, so he thinks it works again this time.
There’s a beat of silence, both of them just staring at the waves crashing in front of them, the sound of laughter in the back.
“Holding everything in doesn’t help, you know.” It’s all Hoseok says, and Yoongi gulps. They both stay quiet for a while after that, not really knowing what to say next.
“Talking about it is supposed to make me feel better?” Yoongi replies, the hint of fake laughter in his voice, trying to make a joke. However, Hoseok doesn’t think it’s funny.
“You know that’s exactly how things work.” He replies, short.
“What’s me talking about my stupid shit going to do, Hoseok?” Yoongi replies a bit too sharp, and instantly regrets it. “I’m sorry, please just let it go, okay? It’s nothing. Go back to Taehyung, I’m sure he’s missing you.” And when the words come out of his mouth he wants to slap himself. Why would he even say that, why is he ruining things even more.
“What?” And Hoseok is genuinely confused. He’s always so genuine about everything.
“Nothing, forget it.” Yoongi gets up abruptly. “Let’s go.” He extends his hand and Hoseok takes it, after a moment of hesitation and confusion still in his eyes.
They don’t talk about it for the rest of the night and Yoongi’s glad.
Yoongi joins his friends and laughs and sings and jokes around. He has fun, really. Even if he has to look away from the two touching young boys sometimes, because it hurts too much.
It’s later that night, when they’re in the cars going back home, with his head resting against the window and his eyes fixed on the side view mirror where he can see Taehyung and Hoseok, that a sudden thought flows into his head. It’s when he sees how close they’re getting to each other, how their eyes close slowly and their lips touch with the same velocity that he thinks about it.
Yoongi closes his eyes and he thinks, then and there, that maybe emptiness would be better. Maybe emptiness is all he was destined to know, to feel. To be.