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Bucky loved space; as a kid he wanted to be the first one to visit it. To walk on the moon, see the Earth as it was from the outer worlds and experience the feeling of being weightless. Of course, that didn’t go as planned.
Instead, his space experience was fighting a purple alien that killed him, coming back and fighting that same alien once again. This time winning. But no win came without losses. One he witnessed was Stark’s. Now, he didn’t know him very well, but he was sorry he didn’t get to apologize for everything that happened. No matter how much time passed or what he was told, he would always feel guilty. Another loss was Natasha. He knew her better. They talked from time to time, got acquainted, mostly talked about how idiotic their friends were. He was phased by those losses.
But he was hurt by a loss that doesn’t really have anything to do with space. But it did leave an empty one in his heart.
Steve left him. He just left him. Of course, he told him he would leave the day before. And Bucky was supportive, he was happy. But as soon as Steve left, he dropped the act. However, he didn’t cry until he was alone later that day. He was sure Sam would make a great Captain, but he just wished that his Steve had retired, not this old man that returned. Sure, people thought he didn’t remember, but the time in Wakanda, and the time in the Soul Stone, were a time where he could get his head together. He remembered the major events in his life. And one of them was Steve and the feelings he held for him.
But all that was gone now. Steve showed that Bucky wasn’t worth it all in the end. He was worth coming back for, but not to. And now, his dreams were filled with space. Space that contained murderous aliens and a backstabbing Captain America. He couldn’t decide if those or the memories of HYDRA were worse. He would always have a broken heart now. Nothing could change that.
************
Bucky was numb for a few weeks. And then Steve died. And had a funeral. And he got worse. He got drunk that night. In his rage, he destroyed his whole room. Thankfully, he lived at the Avengers compound at that time. But, Sharon got worried for him. And then he became Sam’s roommate. Sam wasn’t really thrilled at the idea, and Bucky couldn’t blame him. He wouldn’t wanna be near him either. They made it fine the first two days, but Bucky still had pent up frustrations.
He was currently looking at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He couldn’t sleep, it was getting close to 5 am, too. His head wouldn’t let him rest. This time his nightmare had been about Steve leaving him for Peggy in space and then snapping his fingers and laughing as Bucky turned to dust. All these questions were going through his head.
Why had Steve left him?
Easy. You’re not who you once were.
That was right, though, wasn’t it? Steve couldn’t be near his problematic ass. God, he was a mess. He was messed up to no end and that repelled most people. Of course he would repel Steve, too. He’s just wondering how Sam hasn’t done that yet. He didn’t want to be left by another person. He suffered too much, he couldn’t do it alone. Sam could hate him, but he’d rather be hated than left alone in the world. Maybe if he made Sam like him better, he wouldn’t be left again. The Bucky before was loved dearly, maybe if he looked more like him….
Bucky took some nearby scissors and started to cut off his hair. He grabbed his hair forcefully and just cut blindly. He brutally cut off piece by piece. Uneven strands of hair fell to the ground. When the energy left him, he looked in the mirror and just saw a bigger mess of hair. He started crying, he gripped the scissors hard and stabbed them through a stack of towels. The metal arm caught his eye next, and he just sobbed harder as he tried to detach it. It took some time with his clouded mind, but he detached it and hurled it to the other side of the room. He slid down the glass window of the shower and sat on the floor sobbing.
He didn’t know how long he was there. He didn’t want to know. He just wanted to disappear. But, of course, the universe (oh, look, another space reference) wouldn’t allow him. Instead, it sent Sam.
“Barnes?” he said as he opened the door. Upon seeing the state of the bathroom Sam was left shocked. He looked at Bucky and had another surprise. Oh, how he must have looked. Messy cut hair, no arm and face full of tears and snot. He wanted to curl up in a hole and die. “Bucky? What happened?” He laughed hysterically at that question. “Bucky?”
“Get out,” he told him. Sam didn’t budge, though. He came closer instead. “I said get out.”
“What’s been going on with you lately?” asked Sam. “You’re worrying me, you know?”
“Well, there’s nothing to worry about,” said Bucky, annoyed. Can’t he just be miserable alone. “Now, get out!”
“Just please tell me what’s going on. I want to help you,” Sam said, gently. He started to reach out to Bucky with his hand, and that was the breaking point.
“No! You don’t!” yelled Bucky as he stood up. “You hate me and just want to get rid of me quickly! You don’t wanna hear about my problems, no one does!”
“Buck- I-I don’t hate you! I want to help you!” said Sam.
“Oh, yeah! Fine! You wanna know what’s going on?!” he shouted. “I’m broken, that’s what! I’m not the Bucky I used to be and that was why Steve left! He couldn’t deal with my problematic life anymore! I loved him and he left me! And Thanos also fucked me up! I can’t go to sleep without either thing visiting me in my dreams. And tonight I saw Steve killing me after going to Peggy! I was hated by the person I called my best friend, the person who I would die for!” He paused a minute. The look of shock on Sam’s face wasn’t noted by him.
“I cut my hair because then I could at least look like the man I used to be. That man was loved and cared for, no one was scared of him. But here, with the man I am now? I’m either feared or hated. You hate me, so does everyone else. I thought that if I maybe looked like who I was, you would like me,” he continued, “I know I’m a monster. I know I’m not worth the trouble. I just want to be at peace, but I’ll never have that.”
Bucky finished with that thought. Sam was looking at him in shock. Both were silent. Bucky sighed.
“I’m gonna go to bed,” he said. “And I’m gonna be out of your hair tomorrow, I’ll go back to the compound. I’m not even unpacked anyway.” And so, he left the bathroom and went to his room. He laid down and was pulled in a dreamless sleep almost instantly.
************
When Bucky woke up, it was most probably well past noon. He looked at his clock and saw that it was after 4 pm. Sighing, he got up from the bed. He looked at the clothes he had outside of his bag. It wasn’t much, he barely owned anything, actually. He didn’t feel like being neat so he just picked them up and threw them into the bag. He still had some of his belongings in the bathroom, one being the metal arm Shuri made for him. Maybe he could go back to his hut and goats in Wakanda.
His train of thought was stopped by a knock on the door. It opened to reveal Sam. Upon seeing him, Sam smiled gently.
“Hey,” he said.
“What do you want?” asked Bucky. And winced. Okay, yeah, that could have come out better. But Sam just, snorted.
“If you’re actually thinking about going somewhere, then I’m not letting you go with that haircut. Come on, follow me,” he said and left the room. Bucky looked uncertain, but followed anyway. They came to the bathroom and Bucky saw that it was cleaned up from last night's episode.
“I would have cleaned it before I left,” said Bucky. Sam snorted and gestured for Bucky to sit in the chair in front of the mirror. Bucky did so and Sam put a sheet around his body, leaving his head uncovered. And so, Sam set out to work. Bucky wouldn’t look anywhere but the sink through the whole ordeal. It took a couple of minutes, Bucky wincing from time to time when the scissors got too close to his skin. Sam tried to be as gentle as possible, making sure to not upset him.
“There, done.” Sam removed the sheet and started putting the scissors and combs away. Bucky still wouldn’t look up, causing Sam to sigh. He grabbed Bucky’s chin and made him look into the mirror. Bucky gasped as tears came to his eyes.
He looked like the old him, but somehow different. And that difference didn’t seem to set him off. Not yet at least. He touched his hair to make sure this was real. He felt a tear escape him, but he tried to keep them at bay. He went to wipe it away, but something cold did it first. He saw Sam using the fingers of his metal arm to wipe them away, a teasing grin on his face.
“Thought it’d come in handy,” he said. Bucky chuckled through tears.
“God, you’re an asshole,” he said. He went to get back his arm, but Sam pulled it away and proceeded to put it on him himself.
“You love me for it,” Sam said. Then he got a serious look in his eyes as he finished. He put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes. “I’m sorry.” Bucky was left surprised. “I’m sorry, you believe I hate you. Maybe at the beginning I did, but then I got to know you. Bucky, I don’t hate you. I want to be your friend, I want to help you. I’m not scared of you either. There’s nothing terrifying about you. And I’m sorry about what you’re going through. I’m here to listen to you. You don’t have to leave, but if you want to, I won’t stop you.”
Bucky was speechless. He looked down to the floor and thought about it. Sam saw he was struggling to make a decision, so he decided to help him out.
“How about this? It’s getting late. You stay here for the night and decide in the morning if you want to leave or not,” Sam suggested. Bucky bit his lip and nodded in agreement. Sam nodded with him. “Okay, now go to the kitchen. I’ll get you something to eat after I clean this mess.” Bucky was about to object. “No, my house, my rules. Get going.” And so, Sam made him go and sit in the kitchen.
It didn’t take long for Sam to clean everything. He then started to make them both some mac’n’cheese for dinner. As he was preparing it, Bucky was thinking about what Sam said. Did he actually tell the truth? He wouldn’t be doing all this if he actually hated him, right? He didn’t believe it all just yet. He doubts he’ll ever believe it fully. He was too broken to actually be loved. But, he looked at Sam and thought maybe he could, for just a little while, be loved, again. At least platonically.
“Alright, this is a famous Wilson family dish. You better like it or my grandma’s ghost is gonna come after you,” said Sam.
“Wouldn’t wanna disrespect your grandma’s recipe,” countered Bucky. He took the bowl from Sam and dug in. In that moment he decided that if anyone disrespected grandma Wilson’s dish, his body count would become bigger. This was amazing. “It’s great,” he mumbled. Sam looked up at him and smiled with a nod.
They finished the meal and Sam took the bowls to clean them. Bucky sat there awkwardly, not knowing what to do next. His first thought was to run to his room and stay there till the morning when he got to leave. But would he be allowed into the compound after he left? Where would he go if he wasn’t? Would Sam let him back? He shook his head. He survived on his own before, he could do it again.
“What’s going on in that head, huh?” asked Sam, pulling him out of his thoughts. He saw him holding two mugs. One was given to him. He took a sip and tasted hot chocolate. He hummed as the drink warmed him up. Sam had moved towards the couch, put his mug on the table, next to the bowl of popcorn (When did he make that?) and sat down. He gestured for Bucky to join him. Hesitantly, Bucky moved to the couch and sat the furthest he could from Sam. The man didn’t seem to mind, just grabbed the remote and turned the TV on.
“Since your space experience has been so bad, how about we slowly change it?” he asked Bucky. Bucky looked at him with a questioning look. “Nothing triggering, don’t worry. Just a friendly old movie.” Bucky nodded hesitantly. “It’s called E.T. Have you watched it? Or heard of it?” He shook his head. “Perfect then. You’re gonna love it.”
Sam put on the movie and leaned back to enjoy it. Bucky was still a bit tense next to him. As the movie progressed, Bucky relaxed more. The movie was cute, honestly. He cried at the sad moments, laughed at the hilarious ones. He did love it. At one point, they had started to share the popcorn they had and got closer to each other.
He liked this. Just relaxing with a friend. It was nice. He felt safe, he felt cared for.
And as he looked at Sam, he thought that maybe, just maybe his broken heart could be healed and the empty space filled.