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illumi was drowning.
drowning in his thoughts. in his pain. it was mental torture for the assassin.
years and years he’d spend suffering, oppressing every emotion that dared dance across his chest.
he’d plundered into a darkness at a young age, swallowed by his growing traumas and aches. it started with the first time Silva laid his hands on him, illumi hardly speaking at that age.
he’d managed to convince himself it was normal. the abuse, the torture. both emotionally and physically, he’d convinced himself this was how it went.
this was what he deserved, how his parents loved him.
it’d been going well. he was learning, training, taking it and shoving any emotion he dared to show down.
but then he messed up. that measly mission is what had sent his mind to a spiral. to the point in which his father had to come get him, a panicked child nearly attacking his own father.
he had to be sedated by his own needles that night, brought home like a sack of potatoes on his fathers shoulder.
not long after, he’d heard his parents talking. the wails of his mother, and his father talking to her in a tone illumi didn’t like.
not even a week after was he at his fathers feet, giving up his title as heir.
he’d messed up so bad, they took the one thing he was working for away from him.
illumi hadn’t been the same after that.
an already crushed child, finally announced as broken. not just by himself, but by his parents. they didn’t trust him as heir anymore.
they’d pushed him too far.
they were to have another child, and it was illumis job to help raise it. they knew the limits now, knew how hard they could push before the flame died out similar to illumi.
he was like an experiment, a toy to test on and see how far they could push him.
he just happened to break too soon.
_______________
years later, illumi wasn’t much different.
his life had went on. working under his parents, taking jobs and missions all directed by them.
he didn’t feel human sometimes. just a shell of one. an assassin. no friends, no attachments, and most definitely no rules.
none of his other siblings had turned out like him. subconsciously he was glad, but that didn’t stop the faint ache in his chest.
he had to convince himself he didn’t want what they had.
his life had lightened a bit when he’d met hisoka, a magician. a handful, but illumi didn’t really mind.
a flamboyant man who wore crop tops and makeup. illumi couldn’t find it in himself to push him away.
which is how they became friends. friends. illumi bent that rule for the magician. unlike how he’d enforced it on killua.
killua had broke that rule on his own anyways.
life got slightly easier after that. illumi supposed he owed hisoka for that one.
throughout the huter exam, helping hisoka with his troubles with the phantom troupe, and everything in between.
though not even hisoka had been able to fully save illumi. he was still troubled by nightmares, head so empty at times he felt like he was going insane.
he began to wonder how hisoka put up with him. but hisoka never minded.
he’d never once scolded, complained, or even got remotely mad at illumi. he was so patient with him, careful whenever needed as if illumi would break.
maybe he would.
illumi kept walls up. walls even hisoka couldn’t break.
it never really affected their relationship. mostly due to how similar they could be at times.
whether it be work, sex, or what they just wanted to make for dinner. it was pretty domestic, especially after illumi agreed to move in.
they hadn’t slept in a bed together before that, which is why the situation had been expected.
illumi had jerked awake in the middle of the night, swearing. a nightmare.
it’d woke hisoka as well, or partially. illumi did the rest.
this nightmare had left him paranoid, nearly confused on where he was. so, he’d sat up quick, heart pouring and head swimming with the sudden moment.
hisoka blinked, sitting up carefully. he didn’t know about the nightmares. “illu?” he rasped, voice laced with sleep.
illumi startled once more, dark eyes scanning the dark room and landing on the dark image of hisoka in their bed.
their bed. he remembered, taking a breath. he was home, with hisoka, in their bed. meaning he was okay.
“sorry.” he mumbled, contemplating leaving. but hisoka seemed to sense it, rubbing his eyes. “come sit.” he murmured.
illumi was hesitant, wary after all that. though, he did, shuffling over to sit where he’d laid moments prior.
hisoka spoke before he could. “you okay?” he questioned, a hand moving to rest over illumis.
illumi didn’t pull away.
“yeah.” he murmured. “just- a nightmare. nothing unusual.” this was news to hisoka, said magician letting out a quiet sigh.
“mm, you wanna talk about it?”
illumi shook his head, lips already sealed shut. hisoka took a hint, knowing not to press the issue. “okay.” he murmured, thinking.
“you want to go back to bed?” to which illumi didn’t know, not sure he wanted to be tormented by his memories once more.
hisoka had a good idea on what he was thinking. “let me hold you? maybe that’ll help.” he offered, now holding his hand. he gave it a squeeze.
illumi didn’t see why not, nor did he want to miss an opportunity of being in hisokas arms. a place where he hoped to feel safe.
and he did.
hisoka enveloped him after they turned over, pulling the younger male to his chest.
it was warm, illumi noted. hisoka smelled of bubble gum, the scent relaxing in a way.
it was needed, this little mess up. illumi needed this, to be held. not to have someone press at his traumas, but help him deal with it.
and hisoka was more than happy. to hold illumi through the night. wether asleep, or even in his darker moments of nightmares.
he’d be there.
yeah.