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The world they lived in, people had soulmates that they were destined to be with for the rest of their lives. Clearly there were some people who don't believe in this, however when they were barely 15 years old, they would recant. Why at that age? For some reason it was the age where the soulmate marks are manifested.
It wasn't a physical mark, but it affected in another area. This is that no matter how much the person cried desperately, that person would never be able to lie to the soulmate.
Perhaps this was somewhat extreme and even worrying. It means that you can't have personal secrets or hide anything. It is horrible. For Saburo it was horrible; he wished he would never have to turn 15. Although he wondered if he had already met that destined person. Saburo didn't even have any friends and he didn't feel like a relationship was going to be of any use to him now.
And it didn't matter how excited he was for his birthday, because sadly, all of that was a lie that he had been able to hide perfectly from his two brothers. In part Saburo was curious to know who he would be unable to lie to but he also was terrified. That meant a lot of horrible things and he would end up behaving like Jiro, like a fool.
Several times he asked to himself the question of who would be Jiro's soulmate, but clearly Saburo wasn't going to ask him, he didn't care, he didn't need to know. Saburo didn't want to know.
As soon as twelve o'clock struck, his brothers sang happy birthday to Saburo, tousled his hair, hugged him. They shared a nice dinner and for dessert it was a small cake that Ichiro had ordered at a bakery. It was chocolate, cream and had some strawberries. Jiro wanted to take one but Saburo hit his hand.
They started arguing again and, very patiently, Ichiro asked them to behave for today at least.
Jiro didn't say anything else. Saburo neither.
When they finished eating, the older Yamada let them go to their respective rooms while he was in charge of cleaning the dirty plates and cutlery.
In the hallway, both brothers were in overwhelming silence. Not so much for Saburo because he had been eating one of the strawberries of the cake.
Jiro's room was first. Saburo kept walking. Jiro turned and called him. Saburo stopped without looking at him.
"Do you hate me?"
Saburo was confused. He turned to see Jiro this time.
"What?"
"Do you hate me?" Jiro repeated again without taking his gaze from his little brother's eyes.
Saburo shrugged.
"That doesn't even answer my question".
Saburo's mouth twisted. He was going to say yes, that he wished be able to move out so he wouldn't have to put up with his boyish behaviors. But that smile disappeared as soon as he opened his mouth and nothing came out of it. Saburo was confused for a few seconds and didn't understand why he couldn't speak. What was happening?
"Mh? Did the cat eat your tongue?" Jiro asked quite amused. That only made Saburo's frustration increase significantly.
"No!" He screamed while a blush spread across his cheeks; it could be out because of anger or shame at not being able to answer something so silly.
"So do you hate me?" Jiro asked again but now he was a little worried and unsure. Where before there was fun, now it is gone. He seemed fearful for the answer.
But that never reached his ears. Jiro stood there waiting for Saburo to speak, to say anything even if it was a yes.
On the side of the smallest brother, he felt uncomfortable, sick and with an immense desire to cry. Why couldn't he say that he hate him? Saburo felt a lump in his throat that made him impossible to speak and answer that. And the more Saburo forced himself to want to give that answer, the more intense the pain and his chest clenched with every second that passed. It was hard for Saburo to swallow his own saliva and he didn't even seem to have the courage to keep looking at Jiro's face, who seemed to get more and more impatient.
"So ..." Jiro started to speak, careful to don't scare his brother away. He was very worried about whether to ask that which had plagued him for 4 years. "So you... Do you love me?"
Saburo frowned and vowed that he would say no and that if necessary, he would yell at him but it didn't happen. A silence was the only thing that invaded the hall. And it was not a pleasant silence.
Jiro felt haunted, terrified, and a little hopeful. And Saburo finally put the puzzle together and now was the moment he wanted to throw anything away, smash it to pieces and scream until his voice got hoarse.
How the hell...?
"Soulmates, huh?" Jiro muttered as he leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. But he never stopped seeing his little brother.
Saburo did not seem to find a logical reasoning for all this. He felt so much pressure on him that it seemed like he was going to drown and would begin to overflow all the mixed feelings.
It wasn't entirely a surprise because Saburo had forced himself to don't have any other kinds of feelings towards Jiro other than “you're an idiot” and “stop messing around.” But obviously, Saburo could never get rid of them and on some nights their feelings would end up afloat and he would end up crying at dawn to see his brother, God, his fucking brother as something more.
That's why he couldn't take it anymore. Saburo knelt on the ground and began to sob. He should feel happy knowing they were destined and Saburo admired (a little) how Jiro had been able to cope with that revelation for 4 years and found a way to tell the truth (because he clearly couldn't ever lie to Saburo) in such a way that Saburo never realized it. Jiro was silly but this time Saburo would applaud him if it weren't for losing a lot of his pride. And despite all that, he couldn't feel happy. The universe had been in charge of hitting him very hard since their relationship would not turn out well and would be too hard.
"He-Hey you shouldn't think about it too much" Jiro suggested in an attempt to calm his brother but clearly he didn't succeed.
"How should I calm down knowing this?! Don't you think about the consequences we are going to have?" Saburo was quite upset and at that point he no longer cared if Jiro saw him cry. Everything had turned into a total shit and he just wanted to disappear forever.
Jiro's chest constricted. He was not able to see Saburo crying in pain and anguish so he knelt beside him and hugged Saburo tightly. Jiro could say many things but perhaps Saburo would be upset because, surely, he was not able to digest what was happening. So Jiro just did that, hug him and pat his head while Saburo tore in tears and clung to his brother's shirt.
"Come here" Jiro murmured standing up with Saburo in his arms and led him to his room. Jiro closed the door and let his brother walk to the bed, where he flopped down and rolled into a ball. He was still crying.
Jiro opened his mouth several times to try to say something comforting but nothing came out. He couldn't be able to say something to make his brother feel good so he just walked over to the bed and sat down.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Saburo asked with a weak tone of voice as he tried to wipe away the tears that kept coming out.
Jiro gave a sad laugh.
"Because you are my brother. I thought I could change the universe or fate, I don't know who is to guilty."
"You can't blame a force. ”
“What? ”
Saburo didn't reply.
"But uhm... I'm not sure how it happened but before I turned 15 I think I loved you differently."
Saburo moved his head a little to look at Jiro. Jiro looked at the ground and played with his fingers and rings.
"I sound like a fucking sick man. I really don't..." And Jiro break down. His hand covered his mouth while his eyes were responsible for letting out those painful tears.
Saburo still felt devastated but he gathered the strength to sit next to Jiro and take his free hand that was resting on the mattress. Saburo laced his fingers together and squeezed lightly.
Saburo opened his mouth once but he couldn't say something (not because of the rule of the universe) because it was too cheesy. At the end he ended up saying it and surely he would have time to regret it later.
"You should smile more often."
Jiro laughed and sniffed.
"Look who's saying it."
Saburo couldn't say something like "I'm not going to cheer you up anymore" or "I'll go to my room." Because he would be lying. So he just grimaced and Jiro laughed. He placed a kiss on the crown of Saburo's hair and Saburo blushed slightly.
"I love you, okay?"
Saburo couldn't be able to return the same.
"If I didn't know that you are my soulmate I would think that you don't love me."
Saburo smiled slightly and lay down on the bed pulling Jiro with him.
It would take months for Saburo to be able to return a " I love you". He still needed to organised his thoughts and feelings regarding all this and surprisingly, Jiro understood without Saburo saying anything to him. The only thing Jiro could convey to him was a genuine hug that made his little brother understand how much Jiro loved him and how Jiro would try everything to make it work. Saburo understood and let his eyes slowly close. Having cried a lot made him pretty tired.
However, before sleeping, Saburo heard again those three words that would make him smile and cry for so many things.
"I love you."