Chapter Text
Hello, I am Harry Edward Styles, and this is my story.
Relief. That's what I feel when I drag the blade across my pale arm.
I glide it across my wrist with pressure. Maybe a little bit to much pressure. It doesn't stop bleeding. I wish I could just bleed out on the floor, but no. We have a concert today. I begin to panic, because the blood wont stop, so I grab a full arm bandage. Hopefully that will make the bleeding stop.
I start to think: Eleanor will be waiting backstage for Louis, Sophia for Liam, Perrie for Zayn and some girl Niall met when he was younger and they've been best friends ever since then. And guess who's waiting for me? No one. Because I'm a loner, a worthless faggot that doesn't deserve to live. At least that's what the fans and Louis say.
I believe it though. I am a faggot, I'm in love with Louis for gods sake! That isn't normal! and because I'm a fag, I'm a worthless loner. Not to mention I'm a fat pig. Louis has said so himself. Yes, I know what you are thinking: Why do you love someone who bullies you and calls you names? Well the answer is I don't know.
//concert//
"Hey mate, we're on in 20! You okay?" Liam says, after 10 minutes of watching Louis and Eleanor flirt and make out. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just didn't get much sleep last night" I mumble. "Okay...Lou said she needs you by the way! Something about wanting to braid your hair...? I don't know. You also need to change clothes because you can't go on stage in sweats!" Liam babbles on, while I just nod, signaling that i know what he said.
I walk towards the dressing area and put on a greenish gray colored sweatshirt that says 'Obsession' on the front, and black skinny jeans. As I walk to Lou, She says " Alrighty Harry, I wanted to braid your hair if that's okay? Just on on each side and then a bun in the middle for the hair that wont go into the braid" I just nod. You see, I don't talk much anymore. Louis said that no one wants to hear my voice because I sound like a dying cat. He says that's the reason I don't have as many solo's in the album.
"Okay Harry! You're done! You look great by the way. Now go, I think your on in 5!" Lou says, somewhat excited. I smile to say thanks. "ALRIGHT BOYS IT'S TIME TO GO ON! LOUIS STOP MAKING OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Paul yells. I mentally thank him. Paul is kind of like our dad when on tour, and we all love him to death, he's pretty cool. But he only cares for the other lads, not me.
The entry video is starting to play so me and the lads all run to get into place where we will walk onto the stage. Right before we're about to go on stage, Louis whispers into my ear saying "Okay faggot? You look like you've been crying" I just pretend I don't hear him, which wasn't a good idea because he grabs the arm that I just cut really deep on and says "Don't ignore me you fat, ugly, worthless piece of shit!" To my fortune, we have to go on stage, which probably just saved my life.
The starting music of Midnight Memories starts to play and we walk out and the fans start to scream. The music then stops for a second and then resumes and I sing "Straight off the plain to a new hotel" pause. "Just touched down you could never tell. Big house party with a crowded kitchen. People talk shh, but we don't listen" Not many fans scream during my part. Why would they? I am a rubbish singer, But when Louis' solo comes on, the whole stadium erupts in loud screams that could burst your ear drums if not for the ear plugs we have.
"Tell me that I'm wrong but I do what I please. Way to many people in the Addison Lee. Now I'm at the age when I know what I need oh whoa" Louis sings. He sounds perfect, voice flawless, and flows perfectly with the music while mine sounds scratchy and terrible.
//Time skip to right before concert ends//
"It was amazing playing for you Dallas, Texas!" Niall states as we are about to walk off stage. "HARRY YOU FAT UGLY FAGGOT! WHY DON'T YOU KILL YOURSELF? NO ONE WANTS YOU IN THE BAND IT WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!" A 'fan' yells right as I walk past her. I stop dead in my tracks and look at her. Some of the girls next to her nod their heads and agree, others ignore her. Even though she probably wont hear me because I don't have a microphone anymore, I say "Soon"
"We've been One Direction! Bye guys We love you all!" Liam says. And with that we walk off stage. All the other lads walk off to their girlfriends and friends, while I walk out the door to the bus, trying to not cry. It doesn't work. That girl was right. I should kill myself. But not yet. The tour ends in October and its August, so i'll wait that long. For now, I'll just slowly kill myself by slicing my skin open.
I walk too my bunk and close the curtain so no one can see what I'm about to do. I grab the bag of blades I keep under my pillow and open it, grabbing the sharpest one I could find. I line it up with my wrist at an angle, and then I slide it across my wrist.I continue this 12 more times except most of them aren't as deep as the first one.
Maybe I should tell you how all of this started?
//Flashback//
"Guys, I have too tell you something" I say. Its finally time. I'm going to do it. "Go on Haz! Whatever it is, we support you, and it can't be that bad" Louis says with a smile. "Well...I'm gay..." I mumble. Louis loses his beautiful smile instantly. I look down, feeling very ashamed of myself. I mean who likes guys right? "Finally! you owe me $10, Niall!" Zayn calls out. "Damn it!" Niall practically yells. "Well, thats great! I'm happy that you told us! We support you of course! Right Louis?" Liam says and everyone looks at Louis. He just smiles a little nervously and nods. "Well lads, I'm tired and i want to sleep so i'm leaving. And Harry, I drove you here so you're with me" Louis says. "Okay...Lets go"
Louis walks to the car and I follow along. We start to drive away and Louis says "You're really a faggot, Styles?" What the hell?! "Um...Excuse me? What did you say?" "I Asked if you really were a faggot, because if you are I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home because you're a worthless fag! Don't you get it?! Being gay is NOT good! We'll lose a ton of fans because of you!" "Yes I am gay...There isn't anything wrong with that" "Get out. We're here." I get out of the car and unlock the door too Louis and I's flat. He walks in right after me and shuts the door. He puts all of his stuff down and then slams me against the wall. "YOU FAT, UGLY, WORTHLESS, FAG! YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE BEING GAY IS BAD!" and with that, he beats the living shit out of me, as promised.
//End of flashback//
So yeah. that's how my life became a living hell.
The boys walk in and I hurriedly put away the blade and grab a towel to wipe up the blood. "Harry, you in here?" Liam calls out, "Yeah, and trying to sleep" I yell back. "We come bearing pizza if you want any! If not, more for me" Niall says. Typical Niall. I walk into the kitchen part of the bus where all the boys are. Its a small space, barely big enough for all 5 of us. "Do you guys know how many calories is in one piece of pizza? Its gross" I say. "But who cares. It tastes like heaven. And how do you know how many calories is in pizza anyways?" Niall replies. "I just do" "Okay. Well do you want any?" Niall answers. "No. I'm not very hungry"
Louis looks at me weirdly and frowns. He says "But Harry you haven't eaten anything today" Shit. "How do you know? Do you watch my every move Louis? Do you care? No, so fuck off" I say, very suprised at my mood swing. Louis glares. None of the boys no how Louis treats me. Louis said he'd kill me if i said anything. "Woah, Harry. Why don't you go to sleep? You're obviously tired" Zayn says. "Fine" I say. while I walk away, I whisper to myself "Hopefully i don't wake up" I hope to god no one heard me.
//Louis' P.O.V//
"Fine" Harry says and then he walks away. Me being closest to him, i hear him whisper "Hopefully I don't wake up" What's that about? Is he serious? What if he...No. I don't care what he does. He's a worthless fag. Fucking shit. I can't deny that i have feelings for him, because I do. Except i don't just have feelings for him, I'm in love with him. Yeah, I know what you'd say: Why the fuck do you bully him if you love him?! the answer is I don't know.
Harry thinks I'm homophobic, because I bully him. But I only do that because I know he doesn't love me, and if he does, he shouldn't. I'm not worth his time. You see, I have a girlfriend, who is really a beard, which is someone who is a cover up for ones sexuality. I came out to our management team, Modest! Management, And they said they had to get me a girlfriend so that no one would find out. I told them not to tell the lads.
"Goodnight lads, I'm tired also" I say, with a fake yawn. "Night" The three other boys reply. I walk to where our bunks are, and look behind Harry's curtain. He's sleeping soundly in his bed, so I kiss his forehead and whisper "I love you Harry" and walk away to my bunk. I lay down, and after half an hour, I fall asleep.
//Harry's P.O.V// (A/N: There will not be allot of P.O.V switches, but if their are, it's going to be between Harry and Louis. I just wanted to fit this part in because idk i liked it)I hear someone
come into the bunker room, and then they kiss my forehead and say "I love you Harry" It's Louis. HOLY SHIT IT'S LOUIS! Its takes everything in my not to turn over and say I love you back. About thirty minutes later I can hear Louis' soft snores coming from the bunker above me. I think about how Louis probably knew I was awake and he wanted me to think he cared, just so he can mess with me tomorrow. I reach under my pillow, grab a blade, and repeat the process I earlier did.
I sob quietly while I drag the blade across my skin. "Harry? Are you okay?" I hear Louis say, and then i hear rustling around, meaning hes getting out of bed. I quickly put the blade back into the bag and fling it under my pillow, pull my sleeve down and dry my tears. But I was to late. Louis already saw my arm. "Harry what the fuck was that?!"
"Nothing. I scratched my arm that's all" I reply, a little quickly. "Then let me see!" Louis says. "No. You wouldn't care anyways" I mumble out, eyes watering with tears. "Fine, fat ass. I could care less if you cut yourself, no one would care!" Louis says.
I sob loudly and look at Louis with sad, broken eyes. I watch him and I think I saw guilt. It was probably just my eyes playing tricks on me, because no one cares about me. I'm to fat and ugly, and worthless. Louis gets back into his bunk, and I thought I heard him sniffle.
But I don't care.
I only feel numb.
A/N: SO HOW WAS THAT FOR A FIRST CHAPTER? 2106 WORDS! IT TOOK ME LIKE 4 HOURS...I HAV NO LIFE OBVIOUSLY! PLEASE COMMENT, FOLLOW, RATE, ANYTHING! LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!