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iv. if it was easy would you feel this way?
Affair seems too strong a word for a high school romance. But with the look on Liam’s face every time they look one another in the eye, it feels so close to sordid, she can hardly breathe. Guilt - the thick and cloying kind, the same she felt when she cheated on her seventh grade algebra test, the same she felt when stealing a candy bar from the convenience store around the block - fills up her stomach and the hollow of her bones. It very nearly isn’t worth it.
Nearly.
Because Karma kisses her the second her mouth is open to say something like maybe we should stop and the lines between Good and Bad blur badly enough to blind. Lauren knows what’s going on and Amy has listened to lecture after lecture about how screwed up the situation is, but no matter how much sense she knows her stepsister is making, it just doesn’t seem to matter. It’s the line of thinking she’s got going on one of their Saturday nights, nearing midnight with the volume on the TV turned low. Quiet, dark with just the glow of House Hunters: Special Edition and Amy’s laptop, there are fingertips tracing her spine; lying on her stomach, English essay so close to being done, she pokes Karma’s foot with a pen, twisting to look at her - friend? girlfriend? - Karma with a raised eyebrow.
“What, buttface, I’m trying to concentrate,” is what she gets in reply. Another poke, accompanied with a laugh, and a creeping up seriousness. Amy pushes up off her front and turns to face her best friend, knees tucked up and arms wrapped around her calves.
“I broke up with Reagan.” It’s the truth, and Amy doesn’t expect the physical jump, bare feet pushing against the sheets until Karma has her back pressed flush against the headboard as if trying to put more space between them. The weight of the commitments separates them like a solid block of stone, crushing them on both sides. And Amy is on both sides now, watching from below and above at the walls closing in on them. It’s not a pretty sight. She holds her breath until Karma speaks.
“Whoa.”
Amy lets out the sigh cooped up in her chest and flusters. “I know - I’m just tired of sneaking around. I wanna hold your hand in the courtyard and kiss you when I feel like. I love you, Karma, and I don’t want to have hide it anymore.” She’s got a small smile on her face because it’s a happy sentiment, it’s one she expects a positive response from, but the look on Karma’s face does not spell lovey-mushy anything at all.
“Amy--” Fuck. That’s the honey, those shoes do not match that dress tone. Let her down easy tone. “I - feel the same way. I love you. This. Us. And I really do want all those things too.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I just...”
“Let me guess. Liam.”
And as soon as the name leaves her mouth, she knows she’s right. Karma lets her head drop back against the wall, eyes closing in exhaustion. Amy huffs and twists to slam her laptop closed, standing abruptly. Karma leans forward, hands dropping into her lap.
“Amy, come on, it’s not what you think.”
“Then what is it? You said you wanted to be with me. Is that still true?”
“Of course.”
“Except when Liam’s around, right?”
“No.”
“Yes. God, this is Classic Karma, I can’t believe you--”
Karma jumps up then, hands out. “I’m not like you, Amy! I’m not - comfortable about all this yet, I’m not so sure about everything like you are. This is all new to me. Having feelings for you, being in love with a girl, is a little harder for me to handle than it was for you. I’m just - I’m trying to figure this out.” Coming round the bed, she slides her hands into Amy’s and kisses the corner of her mouth. “I’ll tell Liam. Tomorrow, I promise. But the... public stuff? Can we hold off, just for a little while longer?”
Kisses are reluctantly accepted and for now, they can tuck the subject in her back pocket; but it simmers in the back of her mind, a toxic balloon swelling. Amy’s scared for the when it hits the pin, and who is going to get swallowed by the acid.