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The night dragged on. The countless people talked to and endless dances with ‘potential’ husbands had taken a toll on Zoya. If it weren’t for the attack that shook the nearby city from the capital two months ago, she would have stomped out of the ballroom the moment the event started. But the security was tight, and she wasn’t allowed to leave the premises until the night ended.
She let out an exasperated sigh as she leaned back more comfortably in her chair, eyeing the people on the dance floor. There were already a few invitations she had declined for the past half hour. Her mood wasn't in the likes of dancing yet again, especially when she was trying to find the eyes of someone in the ballroom.
Zoya hadn't seen Nikolai since after dinner when the dances started. Only Tamar and Tolya were stationed near the royal table.
"He was patrolling in the courtyard earlier," a small voice said beside her, making Zoya jolt slightly. It was Lada who just came back from the buffet table and she was carrying a bowl of sweets. "I'm sure he'll be back to his post by the main side exit later."
"What did I tell you about eating sweets at this time of the night again?" Zoya asked, raising an eyebrow. She had been reprimanding Lada of sweets at night because it usually gave her energy bursts throughout the night and she would end up sleeping at the barest hours of dawn. But it seemed like the little one was just as stubborn as Zoya was back when she was still a child.
Lada smiled at her, but it was in between mocking and teasing. "Don't change the subject, dearest big sister. I know you're looking for him, your eyes were roaming around the ballroom for the whole night," she said, wiggling a finger to Zoya's face. "Please, you both need to stop being idiots around each other. It won't get you anywhere."
Zoya was quite taken aback. She had forgotten how Lada's words could deal a harsh yet honest blow to the person she was talking to. She huffed, turning her attention to the other tables instead.
It was a good thing that the Queen wasn't anywhere near them and was talking to the other dukes. Otherwise Zoya would have two people telling her the exact same thing.
She shook her head. "I think he made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to do anything with us anymore," she said, ignoring the slight clench in her chest. The memory of him telling her that she should stop turning to him for everything still stung. "It shows in his actions too."
"And you believe him?" Lada sighed. "You should've seen the look on his face when he came back to see you after the attack."
Zoya turned to Lada with a surprised look on her face, only to see that the younger one was wincing as if she had been hurt. Nikolai came back that day? "What did you say?"
Lada gave her a smile that looked too forced for her own liking, and there was no mistaking the guilty look on her face. "What do you mean? I didn't say anything."
"Lada."
"Oh, look. There he is!" The younger princess pointed to something over her shoulder.
Zoya turned to the direction, and true enough, Nikolai was indeed in sight, talking—though more of scolding based on the sharp movements of his hand—to one of the guards stationed on the side exit.
"Go ask him." Then Lada bolted off her seat and disappeared in the crowd.
Zoya stared in disbelief to the direction Lada disappeared to. That girl really was something else. She shook her head and turned to look back to where Nikolai was.
He was staring back at her.
For a moment, she couldn't breathe. It had been a long while since he’d looked at her openly, when they were still okay. He had the look that he always gave her when she was trying to argue with him about something, the softness in his eyes that only held amusement, and he would brush it off with a laugh after.
Zoya felt another clench in her chest. She missed those times. She missed those stolen moments. She missed him.
How did they ever end up this way?
All too soon, the look was gone and Nikolai averted his eyes, turning back to the guard to say something more before he went out to the exit without much further glance back to the ballroom.
The moment disappeared in a blink, as if she just imagined it.
It was then Zoya knew she'd had enough of the cold shoulders they gave each other for the past few months. Even if he didn't feel the same way for her, she would accept that. He was right with what he told her, anyway.
I let our friendship treat you like we are of equal standing, Your Highness, and this is not how the Captain of the Guard should address a royal, he had said. It's best if our relationship would only be professional and nothing more.
It did sting at her heart and pride, and she had told him that they should avoid each other out of anger.
She ended up eating her words at the end of the day. They had been through so much just to treat each other as strangers.
With a new wave of determination, Zoya downed the glass of wine on the table before standing up to follow the Captain out of the ballroom. She was aware of Tolya's presence behind her, but she didn't bother to look.
The guard that Nikolai had previously spoken with stood in attention and held up a hand. "Your Highness—"
Zoya ignored him and brushed past the guard, letting the pent up emotions she had for so long drive her feet faster to catch up with Nikolai. This had to be fixed tonight.
She stepped out to the balcony, and immediately, the cold night air bit on her skin. But she continued on. There was no time to think about other things.
Nikolai was already nearing the staircase to the left that led down to the palace garden, so Zoya immediately called out to him.
"Nikolai." She had meant to sound sharp, and yet her own voice had betrayed her and it broke slightly, almost pleading.
If it were some other time, she would've covered it up by clearing her throat or any other excuse. But tonight, she was just tired.
Nikolai stopped, his shoulders stiffening. He took a breath before turning to face her. “Your Highness,” he said, and Zoya tried to ignore the stinging feeling from the lack of warmth in his voice, even in his eyes. “You are supposed to be inside.”
“We need to talk,” she said simply.
“Let’s have it some other time, you still have a lot of guests—”
“No. This can’t wait any longer.”
A long silence stretched between them, and neither of them dared to speak first. Zoya realized that this was the longest time he had held her gaze without leaving right away. She huffed, the stinging in her eyes making her want to hate herself. It wasn’t fair that she felt this way while he could act like it was nothing to him.
Nikolai released a breath, averting his eyes. He’s trying to turn away again. “Alright, then. What do you want to talk about?
Zoya blinked, disbelief washing over her. “Everything. Everything that has happened between us.” she said. "What happened to us?"
“There’s nothing to talk about. There was never an 'us'.” he said, voice almost in a whisper. He looked up at her, expression cold and distant, but his eyes said all the opposite. Shaking his head, he added, “You are the Crown Princess and I am the Captain of the Guard. Nothing more. You of all people should know.”
That made her stop, the pain in her chest only doubling. Could Nikolai even blame her? All those times he’d spent with her, the times he stayed even after seeing her worst side, the times he just knew the right things to say when she needed it even without telling him, the times that he would not hesitate to point out her mistakes when she had been overwhelmed by her own emotions, and the times he protected her.
All of them, and his unwavering loyalty and trust for her. That was everything that made her love him so wholly.
Because Nikolai always saw her as who she was through her best and worst.
Maybe she had just been a fool to feel that way for him.
You should’ve seen the look on his face when he came back to see you after the attack.
For a moment, she had let herself believe what Lada told her. But looking at his face now, Zoya found it harder to consider it to be true.
An unwanted tear fell from her eye, and Zoya quickly reached up to wipe it away. There was a slight crack in his expression when Nikolai noticed it, but if he wanted to say something else, he didn’t bother to.
“So that’s it? Our friendship, and everything we’ve been through. Gone, just like that?” she said. “Easy for you to say that I should know better than let my emotions get the best of me. How did you expect me to react when you suddenly decided to push me away? You just brushed it off and acted as if everything was nothing to you. Like I was nothing to you.”
“You think that was easy for me?” Nikolai laughed darkly, raising up a hand in the air. His voice had risen to a tone that Zoya never heard him use before. It sounded tired and strained. Broken. He released a disbelieving breath, as if he was insulted, and his mask slipped off completely, baring all the underlying emotions she hadn’t seen him have for months. There wasn’t anything else in his expression other than hurt. “Do you have any idea how much it hurt to stay away from you? How much I wanted to turn back to you every time I leave? How much I let myself believe that you would never feel the same way so it would be easier? How much it hurt knowing that I could never be anything more than just the Captain to you? Do you even have any idea how much I love you ?”
He was breathing heavily now, his face crumpling as he tried to fight off his tears. Zoya felt her own falling down her cheeks in endless bidding. Everything faded around her. She couldn’t breathe.
He loved her. Nikolai loved her.
“I should’ve known that I would be the weaker one between us, the easier one to fall,” he continued. “Maybe if I did, we wouldn’t even be in this situation. But there’s always this small, traitorous part of me that would hope that we could be together, and I let it consume me.” He shook his head, and the tears finally fell from his eyes. “It was my mistake—loving you, someone I could never be with and someone who could never feel the same way for a mere guard like me, and I will pay for it for as long as I live."
Zoya could only stare at him, feeling the weight of his words sink in her mind. She didn't know what to say. It was all what she wanted to hear from him, everything she had hoped for, and yet she couldn't even speak. Had he really believed that she couldn't love him back just because he was a guard?
"Nikolai…" she tried to say, but he was already standing in attention again, expression back to the Captain he was.
"I apologize for my outburst, Your Highness," he said with an even tone. "Please feel free to dismiss me if I made you uncomfortable."
Zoya wanted to slap him or punch him, anything that would knock his brain off and make him stop being an idiot. It was only plausible to think of how to make him see how she felt for him.
The sound of the clock tower ringing on its ninth bell echoed in the night, and yet neither of them still moved. Zoya looked at him with her still-blurry vision as she walked closer to her Captain.
"Nikolai—"
One moment she was staring at a suddenly wide-eyed Nikolai, and the next thing she knew, he was pulling her behind him. She only had a moment to breathe before there was a sound of a gunshot, and the alarm from the main gates wailed.
There was a loud grunt, and Zoya turned to look over Nikolai’s shoulder, seeing Tolya pinning the guard down to the ground with his massive hands. He brought a fist down to the guard's face, and the latter slumped unconscious.
It only took a second for her to recognize him—the guard that Nikolai had reprimanded earlier.
He quickly gripped her wrist and wrapped an arm over her shoulder, making her lean down as he looked in all directions. "What the hell," he said.
Tamar appeared on Zoya's other side, her face grim. She helped Nikolai usher them behind a wall. "Everything went to hell inside. Some of the guards stationed in the ballroom were spies," she said. "I have no idea how they slipped past security."
Amidst all the things that happened within a span of a short time, one thought was clear in Zoya's mind. "Lada," she breathed. "Lada and the Queen, where are they?"
"I have seen the Queen led away immediately when the shots started. She should be safe by now," Tamar said, and then she hesitated. "I haven't seen Lada."
No . Fear gripped onto Zoya, and she tried to shake away from their grip to search for her little sister. But Nikolai held her back.
"I'll find her," he said, voice strained. He was breathing heavily. "Tamar, take the Crown Princess to the underground bunker. She is to be kept there until it is safe."
Zoya turned to look at him, only to see him clutching his side with a wince evident on his face. Her eyes widened. Blood seeped through his shirt and his hand. "Nikolai, you've been shot," she said, trying to reach out for him to help put pressure in his wound, but he swatted her hand away.
"It's only a graze," he said, but they both knew he was lying. Zoya had never hated him more than she did now. "You have to go, there's no time. I'll find Lada." He looked her in the eye. "I swear it on my life."
Tolya signaled for them through the other end of the balcony where another entrance to the palace was located without having to enter back in the ballroom.
"Nikolai, I could go," Tamar tried, but Nikolai shook his head firmly.
"I couldn't live with the fact that Lada could be in danger and I didn't do anything about it," he said. "Go. Now ."
"Nikolai—" Zoya tried again, but he cut her off with a sharp stare. His face was already pale, but there was a dead set look in his eyes that she knew wouldn't change anything even if she pleaded or begged him. She felt her eyes sting. He had saved her life again.
"Go," Nikolai said, standing up from his place and checking over the wall. Then with much more force, he repeated, " Go !"
Zoya could only watch him get back inside the ballroom and into a high possibility of danger as she was ushered to safety.
She had never felt so helpless.
Hours passed by in a blur, it could have been a whole day already and they still wouldn't notice. Zoya was too preoccupied thinking of Lada's safety.
And as well as Nikolai’s.
Two of the most important people in her life were still out there in probable danger while she was safe here in the bunker, and she couldn't do anything but desperately send a prayer to the saints to protect them. It was the only thing she could think of.
Protect them and keep them safe, she thought as she pressed the heel of her palms to her eyes. Please.
The bunker she had been staying at was located directly under her chambers and was only one of the many scattered all around the palace.
It had been too long since Tolya left them to aid their people from the ground, and Tamar was left to stay by the entryway.
"I know it wouldn’t be right if I said 'don't worry' as you have every right to be, Your Highness," Tamar said, making Zoya look up to the woman. There was a gentle expression on her face, and she offered Zoya a smile. "But I know they will be fine. They're both fighters. Stubborn fighters, if I might add."
Zoya smiled back despite the situation, and she appreciated the woman's words. "Thank you, Tamar," she said, and she knew she meant it. "And I think we all have been through long enough to drop the formalities?"
Tamar chuckled. "I'm sure we can't do that, Princess," she said, and Zoya laughed as well.
"I would prefer that."
"I think we both know why."
Zoya huffed weakly. It was Nikolai who had started to call her that, and everyone close to her had seemed to do the same. Even as everyone else addressed her formally, he didn't change. It was his favorite nickname for her.
A sharp pain stabbed through her chest as she remembered the first time she met him in the arena so long ago, when she knew him as nothing but the infuriating boy that seemed to know everything.
But as she knew him through the years later on, she realized that he had always been a lot more than she gave him credit for. He was all and more.
A tear suddenly slipped from her eye, and Zoya quickly reached up to wipe it away.
She had to believe he and Lada would get through this. She still had a lot to say to him, a lot of things she should've told him earlier.
Tamar suddenly perked up from her place from beside the door, and she put a finger to her lips as she crept closer to the entryway. One of her hands slowly grabbed the axe from her belt, her ear pressing to the door's surface.
There were two sharp knocks, followed by a heavy pound, and Tamar let out a breath before opening the door. It revealed Tolya, who looked fine except for the growing bruise on his cheek which made Zoya think of who could have landed a blow to the giant. But it made her feel relieved all the same.
Tolya was okay, and him being here without looking distressed meant that everything had most likely settled down.
Tolya chuckled softly when Tamar wrapped him in a bear hug. "I'm alright, dear sister," he said, putting a hand on Tamar's head and ruffling her hair affectionately as if she were the younger one, despite them being twins. "You should worry about your axes not being able to see action all night."
Tamar shoved his hand off her head. "Alright, you win that one."
Zoya smiled at their interaction, and she stood up from her place in the corner of the room. She walked over towards them, a surge of wild hope igniting in her chest.
Tolya turned to her, and he immediately bowed. "Your Highness—"
But she stopped him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Tolya, I believe we're way past formalities." She gave his shoulder a reassuring grip, and he seemed to understand, his hand coming up to pat hers. "I'm glad you're alright."
"Everything is under control, at least for now. The attack was believed to have been orchestrated by the Fjerdans, but we don't have enough evidence to pin it at them yet." He paused, his expression turning a bit pensive. Zoya's heart was hammering in her chest, and she refused to think about the worst. "Her Majesty is perfectly fine and safe in her quarters in the upper floor. But as for" —Tolya stopped and shook his head— "I haven't heard any news about them yet."
Zoya pushed past him without thinking, running up the staircase that led to her room. She could hear the twins calling out her name and running after her, but she didn't slow her pace as she burst out in the hallway of the east wing.
If they hadn't heard anything about them yet, then she would find them herself. No, she wouldn't just sit and wait for the news to come to her, like she did in the bunker all night. It wasn't possible that there wouldn't be any news about them. Lada was the second princess and she should be a priority.
There had to be something. Anything .
The path to the right by the end of the hall led to the upper floor and to the Queen's quarters, but Zoya decided that she would have to find Lada first. The younger one was Zoya's responsibility as well, and she didn't want to make the same mistake of letting Lada slip from her sight again.
Zoya rounded the corner to the left, and she stopped abruptly in her tracks. At the other end of the hall was a figure walking slowly as if they were having a hard time doing so. And in their arms was a child clutching at them in a tight embrace.
Her thoughts stopped altogether, and she couldn't seem to breathe. A muffled sob tore in her throat.
Nikolai and Lada .
They were alive.
Zoya took a wobbling step towards them, but couldn't do another when she felt all the strength left her body.
Nikolai had a wince on his face with every step he took, his hand gently rubbing at Lada’s hair as if to comfort her. He stopped halfway through the hall when he finally turned his eyes forward, and Zoya met his gaze.
For a long moment, neither of them moved. Maybe it was the utter surprise of crossing at each other's path in the hall or the relieved look in his eyes that mirrored her own that made them stop, but Zoya found that any reason didn't matter.
A single thought cleared in her mind. They're alive .
The stinging in her eyes returned. Then the feeling became unbearable and she finally let the tears fall when she saw a small smile on his lips.
Nikolai murmured something on Lada's ear, and the girl perked up from his shoulder and turned her head as well. Her gloomy expression brightened up at the sight of her.
"Zoya!" the girl exclaimed as Nikolai gently put her down, and she ran towards her.
Zoya could only feel more tears fall from her eyes as she knelt down and caught her little sister as Lada practically jumped in her arms.
She clutched at the girl tightly, feeling Lada do the same, and Zoya pressed a kiss to her temple.
Lada is okay. She's safe. She's alive.
Those were the only thoughts running in her mind. It felt as if a heavy weight on her shoulders had been lifted and she could finally breathe again.
Lada pulled away to look at Zoya, the girl's eyebrows furrowing together. "Why are you crying? I'm okay," she said, and Zoya had to laugh through her tears. Lada reached up to wipe Zoya's tears from her cheeks. "When you cry, I cry too. Please don't be sad."
Zoya held a hand to Lada's face. "Who says I'm sad? These are happy tears," she said, tucking a stray hair behind Lada's ear. She searched her face, looking for any injuries that Lada couldn't have noticed. "Are you really okay? You weren't hurt? Not anywhere?"
Lada shook her head. "No. I didn't know why the people suddenly panicked when there was a loud bang. Then the alarm sounded, so I hid under our table," she narrated, and Zoya felt her worry returning when her mind flashed an image of a confused Lada trying to make sense sense of what's happening.
Zoya was still lost in her own thoughts until Lada added, "But Nicky still found me a bit later."
This seemed to click something in her mind, and Zoya looked up to the hall, only to see it empty. She only had a glimpse of his retreating figure disappearing further down the path before she turned to Lada.
The younger one had a worried look on her face. "He looked like he was really hurt, but he kept telling me he's okay."
Of course he would. He could've taken a lot more injuries and he would smile at Lada as if nothing happened. It had always been his nature, and Zoya didn't know if she hated or loved him more for it.
"Can you go check on him? I can see you're worried for him too," Lada said. Something seemed to catch her attention, and then she was looking at something over Zoya's shoulder. She beamed. "Tolya! Tamar!"
Lada ran past her, and Zoya turned to see her younger sister jump to Tamar's open arms.
Zoya smiled softly as she stood up, seeing the twins embrace Lada with smiles of their own. It took her another moment to remember Lada's request, and she quickly turned to follow the direction where Nikolai had gone.
She caught up with Nikolai easily on the next pathway, and for someone who was injured, he still moved faster than she had expected him to. But there was no denying the strain in his steps as he neared the main staircase that would lead him to the main foyer.
"Nikolai," she called out. For a moment, she was afraid that he would continue walking away. But knowing him, he would always answer to the royals.
Nikolai turned, and even though he had shown up breathing and alive, Zoya's heart clenched at the sight of him looking so exhausted.
He dropped his hand from his bad side, exposing the messy makeshift bandage wrapped around his upper body, and he stood up straighter. "Your Highness," he said, his voice strained as if he couldn't bring himself to speak to her. He averted his eyes. "It's good to see you're okay."
Zoya didn't know whether to slap him or just run to him. The weight of their previous conversation still hung heavily between them, with Nikolai still believing in his wrong thoughts. He was tired, but so was she.
"How long are you going to keep this up?" she said. "How long are you going to try and stay away from me? How long are you going to push me away?"
"For as long as I need to," he replied, looking back up at her and holding her gaze. He drew in a shaky breath. "Until I can look at you without wanting you."
His words felt like knives being driven to her chest, and Zoya was sure she could have handled the pain of the bullet he had taken for her a hundred times better.
Nikolai was so keen on staying away from her that he didn't even notice that she was hurting too.
"Please make this easier for me."
Zoya reared back as if she were insulted. She huffed, and the tears didn't stop this time. "Make it easier for you?" she echoed. "For you, Captain? What about me? Did you even think of me? Did you think that I wouldn't be hurting when you pushed me away after giving me so much to yearn for? Did you even think just once that maybe I felt the same for you?"
The words tumbled out of her mouth. She couldn’t stop it. Her pent up feelings from the past few months and her previous worry for him felt like a dam that had been destroyed.
There was a conflicted expression on his face. "I didn’t have to," he said, "because it couldn't have been true—"
"Here you are again—"
"—and I would just let myself believe—"
" I love you!"
This made Nikolai stop, and a look of shock appeared on his face. He blinked, his feet taking a step back.
Zoya felt exhaustion wash over her, but she didn't stop. He needed to finally know the truth. The truth she should've said a long time ago.
"I love you," she repeated, her voice in a desperate sob. She made no excuse to cover it up. She had laid down her walls, her heart, her everything. "I've loved you ever since the day you've barged in that arena and told me I wasn't holding my sword correctly. And even as you annoyed me the time we met again after a decade, I've loved you still. And it only went deeper as the years went by, and I love you every single day—"
Her voice broke, her tears only adding to the struggle to find the right things to say because words weren't enough to describe the way she felt for him. "I love you, Nikolai, as the Captain, or as no one, I love you—"
Nikolai didn't let her finish when he reached her in two quick strides and crashed his lips to hers, drowning out the rest of the words she still wanted to say. She immediately responded in kind, her hand grabbing on his uniform to pull him closer as the other went to the back of his head.
Everything started and ended with the taste of his tongue, and Zoya kissed him harder, letting all her feelings go in the kiss. The Fjerdans or whoever had attacked them could go back and burn the palace to ashes, and she still wouldn't have cared.
She felt Nikolai’s tears on her cheek as he pulled away and rested his forehead to hers. He was panting, his breath ghosting against her lips. There was a still-conflicted look in his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe any of this was real.
Zoya held her hands to his face "Captain," she breathed. "Nikolai." She brought his face closer to hers. "I love you."
And when Nikolai kissed her again, Zoya knew he finally believed this was real.