Work Text:
I don't see you
You're not in every window I look through
Juyeon groaned as he woke up. As soon as he opened his eyes, he covered them again with his hands. The sun was too bright at that time in the morning. He should have closed the curtains last night, but he was too distracted by the person who was in bed with him. Oh right, he had a stranger in bed. Juyeon slowly sat up and rested his back on his bed’s headrest. He glanced at the person next to him, who was still sleeping soundly.
“Who knew he also looked good even in natural light?” Juyeon whispered to himself.
“I always look good, nice sir,” the stranger murmured that surprised Juyeon. He hugged Juyeon’s waist before opening his eyes.
“So you’re the type who starts being clingy after sex, Jaehyun?” Juyeon asked. Jaehyun rolled his eyes before sitting up next to his one-night stand.
“You didn’t even need to know my name,” he muttered,” It would have been better if we’d stay as strangers with each other.”
“It’s weird to let a stranger into my home,” Juyeon reasoned,” At least if something goes missing during your stay here, I know who to blame.”
“Oh, fuck you,” Jaehyun laughed,” Expecting a thief in a bar like that? Are you okay?”
“Mhm,” Juyeon hummed.
“Anyway,” Jaehyun turned away from Juyeon and removed the blanket off of him,” I have to go. I have to go home.”
“I assume you have a home life?” Juyeon raised an eyebrow.
“It’s boring at home,” Jaehyun sighed,” My girlfriend will go crazy if she finds out I’m attracted to men.”
“So you have a girlfriend?” Juyeon sounded amused,” We have an infidel here then.”
“Infidel’s such a big word. Let us just say I’m not easily satisfied.”
And I don't miss you
You're not in every single thing I do
I don't think we're meant to be
And you are not the missing piece
After Jaehyun left the condo, Juyeon immediately started cleaning up his room. He chuckled when he found a tissue with Jaehyun’s number on the side table.
“Maybe I should give him a call someday,” he whispered to himself as he hid the tissue in the side table’s drawer. This was a routine for Juyeon. Jaehyun was only one of the many people Juyeon came home with. He could not be pulled into a commitment. It did happen once.
Oh god, he did not want to be reminded of that.
Juyeon shook his head and sat on his bed. He should not think about him. He should think about his work, which was around two hours away. Juyeon may not look like it but he headed his own marketing team in a skincare company. Hence, he had a good standing in his workplace. All his teammates were nice, and he felt lucky to have them, especially his assistant leader, Chanhee.
He tried recalling what his schedule that day was. He had a meeting with the head of the marketing department that day. He should ask Chanhee to compile their reports from the last month because of that. Of course, Juyeon was also chasing after a promotion or salary raise. He needed money to support his nightlife in Seoul.
“You’re such a strong drinker, aren’t you?”
Juyeon shook his head once again. Why did his voice echo in his mind? Juyeon tried to force himself into reality. He should not daydream. He did not have time to daydream. He had to go to work. He had to focus. He was gone anyway. They were done. Nothing should be brought back. It was no use. Everything was in the past.
Juyeon knew he moved on already. He returned all of his stuff. He donated the gifts he gave him. He deleted all of their pictures. They were not compatible anyway. He was the complete opposite of Juyeon. He was too conservative. He was too soft. He could never handle Juyeon. That was why it was over. It had been a few years already since their break-up. To be exact, it was already five years. But who was counting?
Maybe Juyeon did.
I won't hear it
Whenever anybody says your name
And I won't feel it
Even when I'm burstin' into flames
“Were you invited?”
Juyeon peeked into the break room when he heard Chanhee’s voice. He was with Changmin, the guy from the sales department. Juyeon knew it was bad to eavesdrop on another person’s conversation but he was curious. What invitation did Chanhee pertain to?
“Of course, I was!” Changmin answered excitedly,” I’m friends with Jacob, you know.”
“Ugh,” Chanhee rolled his eyes,” Who cares? I’m friends with him too. Do you think he was invited?”
“Oh, I doubt,” Changmin sounded sad,” You know what happened between the two of them.”
“That was a messy show, messier than any telenovela I watched,” Chanhee nodded,” Look at the time. We need to go back. Juyeon can be such a stress bag sometimes, especially when there’s a big meeting.”
“Yeah, I heard somewhere he’ll meet with the other marketing heads today. Must be tough for you, huh?”
“It always is,” Chanhee sighed,” I should apply as Juyeon’s secretary instead with how things are going.”
“Maybe being a secretary would suit you better, Choi Chanhee,” Changmin teased, grabbing the cup of coffee on the island,” Anyway, I have to go too. Break time’s over.”
When Juyeon heard that, he rushed towards his team’s office. He did not want to get caught by either of them. If Chanhee or Changmin knew he was eavesdropping on their conversation, he knew he would never hear the end of it. Those two may arguably be the scariest people to mess within the company, even though they did not hold top positions yet. He even heard that Chanhee rejected a promotion for the time being because he wanted to take his time with his life and have fun. Being promoted, according to Chanhee, meant he had to invest more time in the company. He did not want to spend more time in that hell hole he called a job.
Juyeon had a guess about who they were talking about, but at the same time, he could not guess who it was. Changmin did mention Jacob but Juyeon did not know any Jacob’s inside the company. He assumed it was one of Chanhee’s college friends. He guessed that Jacob guy was getting married. Good for him then. Good luck being handcuffed with one person for the rest of his life.
“Imagine this, could you, Juyeon? Our honeymoon in Canada? I know it is so far, but my heart is there. I want to bring you there.”
“Fuck,” Juyeon cursed at himself. Why was this day full of him? Full of memories of what they were? Juyeon opened his laptop and tried drowning himself in paperwork. He still had around an hour or two to prepare for the meeting after all. He wanted to present their progress effectively to his boss. Juyeon did not need romance in his life. He only needed two things: his steady career and his active sex life. If he had those two things, he was happy already.
He did not need to pay attention to this empty feeling he had in his chest.
Chanhee soon returned to his desk, which was near Juyeon’s. His pink hair made Chanhee too noticeable that most of the time, Juyeon could not ignore his presence. With this, Juyeon also could not ignore how Chanhee was staring at him.
“You listened in?” Chanhee asked, approaching Juyeon’s desk,” To my and Changmin’s conversation?”
“I…” Juyeon shrugged,” I passed by and listened to some of it.”
“How much did you hear?”
“About a Jacob?” Juyeon answered. Chanhee smiled.
“Good. You didn’t hear much. It would be trouble if you did,” he sighed in relief,” Anyways, here’s the portfolio you asked me plus the other projects you wanted follow-ups on. Haknyeon also told me that he already sent you the summary of the information for your report.”
“Thanks, Chanhee,” Juyeon smiled at him,” I appreciate all of your work.”
“Just,” Chanhee held Juyeon’s shoulder.
“Just?” Juyeon raised an eyebrow. Chanhee let go.
“Nothing,” he showed him a pitiful smile,” Good luck with the meeting.”
“Thanks.”
I don't regret the day I left
I don't believe that I was blessed
I'm probably lyin' to myself, again
The workday ended as usual.
Juyeon clocked out and exited the company. He could hear Chanhee’s voice behind him, talking to someone on the phone. Juyeon swore Chanhee was meaning for him to listen but he did not know why. Whatever Chanhee’s business was, Juyeon really did not care. They were more of workmates than anything. He was their only similarity but that was in the past. Many things changed since then. All of them grew into different adults. Ever since they broke up, Chanhee built this wall between him and Juyeon. It was obvious that he was also affected by what happened.
“You’re back in South Korea already?” Chanhee said gleefully,” I missed you so much! What? You want to meet up later? And tomorrow? Bitch, you have a lot of time in your hands. What? Jacob does all the planning? You’re making him your lapdog! What do you mean he gladly does it? Alright. Will Jacob come later too? No? How about tomorrow? He’ll try to pass by? Of course, I understand that he wants to visit his family here too. Alright. Okay. See you tomorrow, baby. Love you lots.”
Juyeon heard Chanhee hang up. He knew he was about to be glared at by Chanhee but the latter only passed by him. A few steps ahead of Juyeon, Chanhee glanced back at Juyeon.
“It’s your turn to have the past haunt you, Lee Juyeon.”
Before Juyeon could speak, Chanhee already took a taxi. What did Chanhee mean? He was not sure. The past? Juyeon was not the type to look back in the past. He knew he could not change anything in the past. He preferred looking forward to the future and experiencing the present. Wallowing in the past would only bring regret, pain, and all those useless memories.
“Your past is important too. Shh… It’s okay to cry. Your past made you into this spectacular man I am in love with now.”
Juyeon inhaled sharply. Why was this day filled with him? Juyeon decided it was better to go straight to a bar that night. He was okay with not changing his clothes. It was easier to pick up someone to fuck in the suit he was wearing. He knew he looked good in it anyway. He called a cab and told the driver to take him to Hongdae. It was nice to switch up the bars he went to after all. No single place monopolized the good bars in Seoul.
He walked through the streets of Hongdae, scanning the bars and clubs in the area. Juyeon saw a place that caught his eye. It looked like a place popular with college students and young adults. It had a minimalist neon sign at the top and, peeking through the clear walls, Juyeon could see that the people in there were having fun, so he decided to enter that club.
He went straight to the bartender and ordered a Manhattan. As he waited for his order, his eyes roamed around the area. He was trying to find someone he could go home with. That was his main priority. He was not always like this, but he felt lonelier than usual. He did not want to admit it to himself, but he felt lonely. Plus, Juyeon would never admit that he was lonely because he was not with him.
“Sir,” the bartender served Juyeon’s order. The young employee was about to pull out his wallet when the bartender added,” And that young man over there paid for your order.”
Juyeon turned his head to the other side of the table. There was this guy who looked like he was younger than him. He had blonde hair and sharp features. He also wore thin-rimmed glasses. Juyeon was unsure if this stranger was a student or if he was already working. Whatever he was though, Juyeon could not ignore how good he looked. Soon after, this man approached Juyeon and sat beside him.
“I’m Eric,” the stranger introduced himself,” And you? I haven’t seen you here before.”
“I’m Juyeon,” Juyeon offered his hand,” And it’s my first time here.”
“So that’s why,” Eric took Juyeon’s hand before standing up again. He pulled Juyeon towards the dance floor,” I’ll show you the ropes around this place then, Juyeon.”
Juyeon did have fun with Eric by his side. Like how he picked up Jaehyun, Juyeon kept flirting with Eric and Eric, fortunately, reciprocated his efforts. Before the both of them knew it, they were making out in the male’s comfort room. Sure, they did hear other customers puking in the neighboring cubicles, but they did not care. They needed each other at that moment.
“How about… we,” Juyeon broke the kiss,” continue this at my place?”
Eric nodded quickly. Juyeon smirked at this and dragged Eric out of the bar. With how Eric whimpered every time Juyeon passed his hand by his thighs, the older knew this new friend of his wanted him. ASAP. As soon as they got into the taxi, Juyeon was already rubbing his hand over Eric’s crotch.
“Juyeon…” Eric softly said,” Can’t this cab go faster…?”
“Well, we can start here,” Juyeon pulled Eric closer and continued where they left off earlier. The poor driver who was in front did not really care. He did hear Eric’s soft moans but he chose to ignore them. As long as they pay up, the driver did not have any issue with whatever they were doing. Also, they should not make a mess back there.
“Juyeon… don’t… I’m weak when you kiss me like that…”
Juyeon suddenly broke the kiss with Eric. Why did he remember him again? Right in the middle of his business with Eric? Oh god, how he hated it. He did not want to remember his ex. The thing between them was over. It had been years. Why was he still haunting Juyeon? Juyeon was better off without him anyway. He felt like he left those shackles behind. He loved living as a bachelor. He could do whatever he wanted, go wherever he wanted. No one was there to stop him.
He was happy, right? He should not even think about this now. He was with Eric. He should put all his attention to this man he was with.
“Juyeon…?”
“I’m…” Juyeon smiled at him. He felt like he was forcing himself but he knew if he let go of Eric, if did not continue this night with Eric, he would sink into the memories of the past.
“You look too good to be true,” Juyeon continued as he caressed Eric’s head,” I’m too excited to get into you.”
I'm alone in my head
Looking for love in a stranger's bed
But I don't think I'll find it
'Cause only you could fill this empty space
The morning after, it was the same routine. Juyeon woke up earlier than Eric did. Juyeon turned his body to Eric and noticed how young he looked. In the sunlight, Eric seemed like a baby, but last night, Juyeon knew it was otherwise.
“I know you’re staring, Juyeon. And don’t say I look good in the morning. I don’t.”
Juyeon snapped himself out of it again. His ex was the only person he had sex with who woke up earlier than he did. Sometimes, he wouldn’t even sleep. Juyeon remembered how he tried making his ex sleep, only ending up falling asleep himself.
“Mmm,” Eric murmured in his sleep as he hugged Juyeon. Juyeon smiled as he held Eric’s bare arm. It felt cold. But no one really felt warm for him. Whether it was Jaehyun, Eric, or the other people he brought home, no one was warm, except for him.
“Eric,” Juyeon gently shook the young man,” Eric, wake up.”
“Five more minutes…” Eric muttered. Juyeon chuckled. He was such a child in the morning. Juyeon caressed Eric’s head as he hummed a small tune. His mornings with that someone used to be like this. They would be naked. He would be hugging Juyeon and Juyeon would pet him on the head, as if his ex was a small kitten. Juyeon, at this point, did not want to admit that he missed his ex. After all, he moved on.
Right?
Juyeon was pulled back into reality when Eric yawned. Eric rubbed his eyes before he looked at Juyeon. Even with messy hair, Eric knew that Juyeon still looked good. It was a stark contrast with the styled hair he had in the bar last night, but Eric admitted to himself that the messiness was partly his fault.
“You smell good,” Juyeon said to break the silence. Eric felt embarrassed for some reason and tried to avoid Juyeon’s eyes.
“Thanks,” Eric muttered.
“Why are you like that? Acting like you regretted what happened?”
“I don’t!”
“I’m joking,” Juyeon pecked Eric’s lips,” You look cute.”
“Are you always this sweet with strangers?” Eric asked.
“Only if they look, taste and smell as good as you, Eric,” Juyeon smoothly answered. Eric rolled his eyes before laughing.
“Spoken like a true playboy,” Eric teased,” I have to leave now. I have work.”
“So you work? Where?” Juyeon asked, letting go of Eric’s arm.
“I’m a coach, baseball coach, at a high school,” Eric answered vaguely.
“Trying to hide something?”
“No,” Eric laughed,” I won’t tell you everything, so you’ll be forced to see me again.”
“So… A second fuck date?” Juyeon asked. Eric lightly hit Juyeon’s chest before standing up.
“But you can call it like that.”
After Eric showered, clothed himself and left, Juyeon found himself alone in the condo again. The room’s temperature dropped at least ten degrees, he believed. He really was not used to spending the night alone in his place. He was used to having someone beside him. He was used to having a certain someone beside him. But since Juyeon would never sleep beside that someone again, he found replacements for him. It wasn’t the same, but he was used to it.
That empty space beside him.
The void Juyeon felt in his chest.
He wanted to ignore them. He wanted to replace his ex so much. It had been five years. Wasn’t that enough for Juyeon to move on? Shouldn’t it be? He knew he moved on. He was sure. For the past year, he never mentioned his name. He met new people every day. He ignored every sign that should remind him of him.
Then why? Why did Juyeon miss him so at that moment?
Before Juyeon could think about it more, he found himself shooting his best friend, Younghoon, a message. He needed an outlet at that point and Younghoon was that kind of person for him. Younghoon was there before, during, and after the relationship. He knew Juyeon the most out of all the friends he had. Maybe Younghoon would laugh at him, be confused with him. Even Juyeon was at that point. It was ironic. Juyeon was the one who broke up with his ex, but why did he feel this way?
I wanna tell all my friends
But I don't think they would understand
It's somethin' I've decided
'Cause only you could fill this empty space
“Are you stupid?”
Juyeon wanted to cover his ears with how loud Younghoon’s voice was. He smiled at the bystanders who turned their heads to where they were sitting. Younghoon frowned at Juyeon. It was evident that Younghoon thought Juyeon was crazy with what he was saying.
“Your friend here is correct with what he’s saying.”
“And who is this and why is he here? He doesn’t even know your ex!” Younghoon said as he gestured to the man beside Juyeon, who was the latter’s one-night stand just two nights before. Juyeon awkwardly smiled before rubbing the nape of his neck.
“I may not know who this person is personally but I guess Juyeon trusts me enough to be part of this conversation,” Jaehyun answered, smirking at Younghoon,” Sometimes, it’s good to have a stranger judge a situation.”
“And your judgment please?”
“Juyeon,” Jaehyun inhaled as he held Juyeon’s shoulder,” Are you stupid?”
“See? Even a stranger can see that,” Younghoon said, obviously stressed. Why did these two react this way? Juyeon told them that he might not have moved on from his ex. What made that silly? Well, Juyeon had been sleeping with numerous people for years. He had been casually dating for how many times. The proof was the brunette beside him. Aside from that, Juyeon was the one who broke up with his ex. It was his decision to end the relationship. He had no right to get hurt over something he decided and insisted on his own.
“Juyeon… No, please.”
“Juyeon,” Younghoon sounded super pissed at that point. He, after all, saw everything that happened. How Juyeon and his ex met. How Juyeon courted his ex. How they got together. He was there when they moved in together. He was also there during their arguments. And, unfortunately, he was there when Juyeon ended the relationship. No one knew what was going on Juyeon’s mind when he told his ex to move out.
“You know what, dude?” Jaehyun sighed,” I think you have no right to chase after someone like that. You broke his heart.”
“And you never really told me why,” Younghoon added,” What’s up, Juyeon? You two were so good together.”
“No, we weren’t,” Juyeon answered, almost muttering his response. He looked down. He was trying to suppress the memories from flooding in but it was so difficult. He was everything to Juyeon. But not anymore. That was what Juyeon believed for the past years. Even when he broke it off, he believed that it was the right decision. Juyeon believed he was better off without him. But why was he being like this? What was happening to him?
“Then what happened between you and Ke—”
“Don’t say his name,” Juyeon sternly said, shooting a glare at his friend,” It took me months to erase his name from my mind. I don’t need you to remind me of him. If you put a name to him again, I feel like he isn’t the stranger I made him to be.”
“But he isn’t a stranger,” Jaehyun said,” He’s your ex! And it seems like you still love him.”
“I don’t,” Juyeon quietly said, as if he was trying to convince himself,” I don’t love him anymore. If I did, I wouldn’t have met you that night, Jaehyun.”
“Fuck that reasoning,” Jaehyun sharply said,” You used me and the other people you were with to forget about your ex for at least a second. But you see something different when you see us.”
“No, Jaehyun…”
“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to someone you met at a bar but yes, Jaehyun’s right. You still love him and now, you want to see him again? Do you even know where he is now? Hell, he might be in Canada now,” Younghoon said. Juyeon looked insecure about his feelings.
“Listen, Juyeon, we’re not invalidating your feelings,” Jaehyun explained.
“You sound like you are,” Juyeon countered. Younghoon rolled his eyes.
“We’re afraid you might hurt yourself. You aren’t the smartest person in the room right now. You’re being too emotional about this,” Jaehyun continued,” What are you even going to do if you see him again? Say hi? Do you think your ex would even look at you? Notice you? According to your story, you hurt him a lot, Juyeon. If I was him, I wouldn’t even bat an eye at you.”
“Brutal,” Younghoon chuckled a little,” But it is true, Juyeon. I don’t understand. Why chase after him now? You two have been done for how many years. What happened to you?”
“Shit,” Juyeon held his head,” I don’t know. I think… I always felt like this. But something was stopping me from doing anything about it. Now…”
“Now, you’re old and wise and think you can fix everything?” Jaehyun interrupted him,” You can’t fix something that been shattered like that. Only an idiot would get back with you. Only an idiot would even think of this.”
“Then I am that idiot,” Juyeon showed a bittersweet smile,” He’s been haunting me for years. Maybe it’s high time I see the real person, just to get this over with.”
“Get this over with how?” Younghoon raised an eyebrow.
“You’re still talking to Chanhee, right?” Juyeon asked as he looked into Younghoon’s eyes. Younghoon knew where this was going. He was reluctant to answer him because, yes, he was still talking to Chanhee. He could lie but Juyeon looked so pitiful. It had been a long time since he saw his friend like this. Younghoon sighed.
“Yes,” Younghoon answered,” And I know where he is now.”
“Where?”
“He went home. He’s here in Seoul.”
“Oh shit,” Jaehyun covered his mouth,” Is this fate?”
Younghoon had this conflicting feeling within him. He wanted to stop Juyeon from pursuing his ex. He knew it would only lead to heartbreak for the poor man, but he looked so determined. It was better if Juyeon discovered it himself.
“Then possibly…” Juyeon stood up,” I have to go.”
“Do what you have to do, buddy,” Jaehyun patted Juyeon’s butt,” You know my number so if ever it doesn’t work well, I can make you happy tonight.” He even winked at Juyeon while he said that.
“Good luck finding him,” Younghoon said. After Juyeon bid farewell to the two, Younghoon turned his gaze to Jaehyun.
“You know where he is, don’t you?” Jaehyun crossed his arms. Younghoon gave a small nod.
“I was invited,” he answered.
“Invited?” Jaehyun looked surprised,” Do you mean?”
“That’s why Juyeon has no chance,” Younghoon said in a sad tone,” He moved on.”
I've been drinking
I've been doin' things I shouldn't do
Overthinking
I don't know who I am without you
“Juyeon, snap out of it!” Younghoon screamed as he shook Juyeon,” How many bottles have you been drinking? How long have you trapped yourself here?”
“I don’t know,” Juyeon groggily said,” Hoon, I’m so stupid.”
“I know,” Younghoon took the can of soju from Juyeon’s hand,” Did he already move out?”
“I wouldn’t break down like this if he still had his things here,” Juyeon answered, crawling under the blankets of his bed,” I miss him, Hoon.”
“Sober you wouldn’t say that,” Younghoon said as he tried to clean up the place,” You always say the truth when you’re drunk. Maybe I should bring him here while you’re drunk. It might fix your relationship.”
“No, no,” Juyeon shook his head,” We’re better off like this. I’m more suited to this life.”
“The drunkard who can’t move on from his ex life?”
“The bachelor’s life. I’m not the type to be tied down.”
“Sure,” Younghoon rolled his eyes,” Make yourself believe that.”
“It’s the truth!” Juyeon whined,” Why are you here anyway? Aside from giving me a sermon?”
“I’m worried about you,” Younghoon answered, sitting at the foot of Juyeon’s bed,” You and—”
“Don’t say his name please,” Juyeon covered his ears.
“Okay, your ex,” Younghoon continued,” You two have been together since you started working together. How awkward will it be now? Is that why you haven’t gone to work? You’re lucky your boss likes you.”
“He left.”
“What?”
“He left the company.”
“What do you mean—”
“He quit.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Juyeon hugged his knees,” It’s better this way. I’ll go back to work on Monday. I’ll be back to normal. I promise.”
“Juyeon, you don’t need to act normal,” Younghoon held Juyeon’s shoulder,” Are you really sure about this? You can ask him for a second chance.”
“No,” Juyeon squeezed his knees even tighter,” We’re just not meant to be, Hoon.”
When Juyeon returned to reality, he found himself in the park where they often went to when they were dating. He was supposed to find him. Why did he go there? The memories started rushing into his mind. How he hurt his feelings. How he told his ex that it was over. How his ex begged for a reason. A valid explanation. But that was something Juyeon could not give him. Maybe he was too childish. He was too rash to decide for the two of them. He should have told his ex the truth. That was he was just afraid of the future.
Juyeon was afraid they were going too fast and too serious.
“Juyeon… No, that’s not the reason, right? You’re lying, I know you are.”
Juyeon stopped himself from rewinding how they broke up. He knew he would go crazy if he remembered the harsh words he told his ex. He knew his ex would not leave him alone if he did not say the biggest lie he ever told in his whole life.
“Kevin, I don’t love you anymore.”
I'm a liar and a cheat
I let my ego swallow me
And that's why I might never see you again
“What…?” Kevin looked at Juyeon in disbelief. Was what he heard correct? No, it could not be. “Juyeon…”
“Let’s stop this. We’ll just hurt each other more like this,” Juyeon pushed Kevin away when the latter tried touching him,” I don’t love you. I guess committing to one person is something I can’t do.”
“What? Juyeon… No, we’ve been doing so well,” Kevin started tearing up,” What about our plans together? The little house we want in the province? The countries we want to go to? The wedding we planned since I moved in?”
“That’s what they will stay as… Only as plans,” Juyeon looked down. He couldn’t handle looking at Kevin’s face. He knew so well that it was filled with pain. Juyeon knew he couldn’t continue this if he saw how hurt Kevin was. “Kevin, you can’t say anything that can make me stay.”
“What’s wrong, Juyeon?” Kevin held Juyeon’s hand,” I can change for you. Do you not like it when I stay up late? I’ll try to take sleeping pills. Or do you hate my art posted all around the room? I can organize them. Or is sex boring with me? I can switch it up for you. Juyeon, please…”
“You can’t do anything…. We can’t do anything,” Juyeon sighed as he pulled his hand away from Kevin,” Don’t degrade yourself like this, Kev. You deserve someone who can love you—”
“You love me, Juyeon. Don’t lie…” Kevin begged,” Juyeon, come on. What happened? You know we work well together. Juyeon, look at me. I won’t believe you until you look me in the eye and say that. You’re lying. Juyeon, I know you would never tell me anything like—”
Juyeon held Kevin’s wrist and forced him to look up at him. Juyeon’s heart cracked when he saw how desperate Kevin looked. He inhaled sharply before opening his mouth.
“We’re over, Kevin Moon. I don’t love you anymore,” Juyeon said coldly. Hearing those words, Kevin furrowed his eyebrows. His legs felt weak. His heart seemed like it stopped. He did not know how to react. He never expected that Lee Juyeon, the love of his life, would tell him those words. Juyeon slowly loosened his grip on Kevin and watched the latter fall down to his knees.
“No… It can’t be,” Kevin covered his face,” Why? Juyeon, why?”
“Pack your things soon,” Juyeon said as he went around Kevin to head to the condo’s door,” I’ll stay at Younghoon’s for the time being. I’ll come back here after a week. I hope, by then, you’ve left this place.”
“Was this nothing to you?” Kevin sounded furious,” Why are you pushing me away as if those years were nothing?”
“Because those years are all in the past, Kev,” Juyeon bit his lower lip. He was about to cry. He didn’t want to show Kevin that it hurt him to leave him like this. But Juyeon was not ready for something so serious. It was obvious, from all the times they spent together, that Kevin was considering marriage at that stage in their relationship. He knew he should not let Kevin wait for him to be ready. Juyeon wasn’t even sure with himself if he wanted to get married. He was young. He didn’t want to be tied down to one person yet.
“Then am I nothing?” Kevin, who was still in the floor, turned his head to Juyeon,” Please… Juyeon…”
“You were my everything, Kev,” Juyeon made a fist, trying to keep all his emotions in,” But time changes things… Sadly, it included my feelings for you.”
Juyeon sat at the bench nearest to him. He remembered the missed calls Kevin gave him. He remembered Chanhee guilt tripping him at work, casually telling him how broken Kevin was after the breakup. He remembered how many times he pretended that he didn’t care about Kevin… that he even fooled himself. It took five years. Five years. Before Juyeon realized that the one thing he did not want to change in his life was Kevin.
“Oh god… If I had the chance to have you again, I would never let go,” Juyeon whispered. He sincerely wanted to make everything fine again with Kevin. But was five years too late? He wondered where Kevin was, what he was doing. He wondered if Kevin moved on but he wished that the answer to that question was no.
As he lifted his head, he saw a familiar figure pass by the park. Brown hair. Thin-framed glasses. Knitted sweater. Customized sneakers. Tote bag decorated with calligraphy. Juyeon couldn’t guess wrong but at the same time, he couldn’t move. He opened his mouth but he couldn’t call out his name. Was he worthy to say his name again? He wasn’t sure.
Instead of calling out Kevin’s name, Juyeon stood up and slowly followed him. He made sure there was enough space between them in case he needed to hide. Juyeon was just glad to see him personally again. He was glad to see this goofy smile on Kevin’s face while he hummed his favorite Beyonce song. The way he looked at the world with such child-like awe… Juyeon knew he missed this man so much.
Juyeon breathed in before he decided to greet Kevin. He knew he should do it naturally. That was why he planned on ‘accidentally’ bumping into Kevin and telling him it was a coincidence to see each other. When he was about to quicken his pace, Kevin suddenly stopped walking. Juyeon realized they were at his workplace. Why was he here? For Chanhee maybe?
Kevin reached into his bag and pulled out a white envelope. He sighed before he decided to stand by the entrance of the building.
“Juyeon, where are you?” He whispered to himself. Juyeon felt hopeful. If Kevin was waiting for him… Did this mean he wanted to get back together? Did he feel the same thing he felt? Nothing would happen if Juyeon kept asking questions to himself. And since they were at the company, it wouldn’t be weird for him to go there. Juyeon was sure it wouldn’t be obvious that he was stalking Kevin.
Hence, Juyeon coolly walked towards the entrance of the company, waiting for Kevin to call his attention.
“Juyeon!”
And he did.
Juyeon felt his heart stop. It had been so long since he heard Kevin’s sweet voice call his name. But something was different. Something felt off. Juyeon was not sure what. He was just glad that Kevin was not mad at him.
“It’s been a long time,” Juyeon did his best not to sound tired or excited,” You still look good, Kevin.”
“You too,” Kevin said as he looked up at him,” How are you?”
“I’m sorry for what happened back then,” Juyeon frowned a bit.
“That breakup? Don’t worry!” Kevin laughed,” It was messy but it’s all in the past.”
“I’m glad you’re doing better. Did you take that job opportunity in Canada?”
“Mhm,” Kevin clasped his hands together,” I’ve been working there for the past 4 years already!”
“So why are you here?” Juyeon said as he pointed at the white envelope in Kevin’s hand,” What is that?”
“Oh right,” Kevin handed it to him,” I wanted to give this to you.”
Juyeon accepted the envelope with a polite smile on his face but this smile faded when he realized what the contents of the envelope were. He looked at Kevin who was nervously anticipating his reaction. Juyeon prayed it was not what he was thinking of as he opened it. In beautiful calligraphy, Kevin’s doing, of course, it read:
TOGETHER WITH THEIR FAMILIES
KEVIN MOON
&
JACOB BAE
REQUEST THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY
TO CELEBRATE THEIR MARRIAGE ON
SATURDAY 6TH DECEMBER 20XX
CEREMONY AT 2PM, RECEPTION TO FOLLOW
KINDLY RSVP BY SUNDAY 3 NOVEMBER 20XX
Juyeon couldn’t believe what he was reading.
“So?” Kevin asked,” I know it’s weird to ask your ex to go to your wedding, but you are an important part of my life, Juyeon. And I just can’t ignore that.”
Juyeon was rewinding the past days in his mind. There were clues everywhere that this was what was going to happen. Chanhee and Changmin gossiped about getting invitations and about this guy named Jacob. Chanhee told him his past was going to haunt him.
“Juyeon?”
“Kevin,” Juyeon looked at Kevin. Properly this time. Kevin was smiling at him. He looked happier. He looked healthier. Every time Kevin brushed his hair back, Juyeon couldn’t ignore the engagement ring he had on his finger. He felt his chest getting tighter. The empty space in his chest… He knew that Kevin was the only person who could fill it, but knowing what he knew at that moment, what he wanted was impossible.
“Hm?” Kevin raised an eyebrow.
“You found love huh,” Juyeon tried smiling but it felt awkward.
“Juyeon?”
“I did too.”
“That’s good for both of us then,” Kevin fiddled with his fingers,” Maybe you should bring your significant other to my wedding then?”
“I can’t,” Juyeon felt a lump in his throat,” I can’t bring him.”
“Why?”
“I just found out it was one-sided,” Juyeon looked down. Kevin rubbed Juyeon’s arm as a way to comfort him. Juyeon felt Kevin’s touch was warm. He wanted to hope for something to happen between them. Juyeon wanted Kevin to leave whoever Jacob was. He wanted to have Kevin back in his life.
“You can try courting them then. Whoever it is. No one can say no to Lee Juyeon after all,” Kevin chuckled,” That’s how you got me, after all.”
“I can’t,” Juyeon said again,” because of his situation. I can’t tell him now.”
“Why?”
“He loves another person now so much,” Juyeon removed Kevin’s hand from his arm. He looked at his ex in the eyes,” I thought I was fine with the idea of living without him, but I realized too late that I need him in my life. He’s getting married soon. He just invited me to his wedding now. And I realized…”
Kevin’s mouth gaped open as he listened to Juyeon’s words. He realized that who Juyeon meant was him. Both of them knew it was too late to salvage what they had in the past. Kevin was in love with another person. He was engaged already. He had a new life in Canada. Juyeon knew that too well but he knew it was his last shot at Kevin. Juyeon knew it was better to confess his feelings while Kevin was not tied to another man permanently. He knew it was his last chance to pour his heart out to this person he forced out of his life years ago. Maybe there was hope that Kevin would choose him over Jacob.
It was wishful thinking for Juyeon, but he couldn’t avoid hoping for the best with Kevin in front of him.
“Juyeon, you know that…”
“Kevin Moon, I love you so much. It’s too late, I know. But I had to tell you this,” Juyeon returned the wedding invitation to Kevin,” It’s okay. You don’t need to answer my confession—"
“Juyeon, I can’t lead you on,” Kevin looked down. He couldn’t handle looking at Juyeon’s eyes. He knew Juyeon was about to cry. How the tables have turned for both of them. “Lee Juyeon, I don’t love you.”
Juyeon chuckled. He knew Kevin was going to say that. It was ironic. Juyeon said these same words to Kevin before. Was this how Kevin felt before? This agonizing pain in his chest. And how heavy this empty space in his heart was. Juyeon smiled at Kevin, patting his head. Accepting his fate, he teared up in front of Kevin.
“Yeah, I figured,” Juyeon said jokingly,” Before this, I thought I had a chance but now… I know I can’t make you love me.”