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Part 1. Running
“Take care of yourself.”
Detached. That’s the way I wanted those words to sound to her. She’d never fully believe this lie if I couldn’t sell it. It’s what a disinterested former lover would say in situations like this - I’ve heard it. Both in the minds of those who left and those who were left. It closed the chapter on affairs without leaving a lasting mark. I couldn’t leave anything behind. She would cling to anything substantial. With nothing but a few fading memories and a vague goodbye, I could be out of her mind and heart within a few months, maybe a year.
I ran for a while. I could, for a moment, hear her running after me. The rough crunch of her shoes meeting the forest floor echoed in my mind as I worried about all the tripping hazards and sharp objects lurking for her in the woods. I thought again over my plan. Was leaving her in the woods my best course of action? My instincts compelled me back to her side. If I couldn’t be in her life, I could, at least, watch over her. I could prevent anyone or anything from hurting her. She was mine to protect above my own life.
But I had enough practice within the last century taming my instincts. My instincts with regard to her were infinitely more difficult to control but I had managed over the past few months well enough. I was able to resist her blood. I was able to hold her fragile hand in my own - her pulse acting as both a safe harbor and the most forbidden fruit. I resisted the pull of her body as it was pressed against mine. I kept running. Any deviation from my current course (which was anywhere but where I most wanted to be) was impossible. I could not tear out my heart twice.
This was better for her. I knew it and eventually she would know it too. I brought too much pain to her world and I created too much destruction to earn her love. Her life had no place for someone like me and my time had run out. Jacksonville showed me my fate, the party only told me when it was to be sealed.
She was finally out of the limits of my hearing and my task was completed. With the physical distance between us, I could reflect with more objectivity. Yes, it was right to leave her in the trees behind her father’s house. After I left she likely wouldn’t be fit to drive herself from somewhere else and I couldn’t allow some spot in her home to remind her of our last conversation. Our last ever conversation would be a lie.
With that thought, I could feel the tether that connected my heart to hers, break. A hole opened in its place. I needed her, like I needed nothing else. The sun was inconsequential and the moon was emptiness itself. I needed nothing to sustain my existence but her - but she was forbidden. I shuddered.
But, leaving her in the trees was correct. She’d turn around, find Charlie at home, and take comfort surrounded by her own things, untouched by any trace of the disruption I caused to her life. She would grieve for our relationship as I have seen teenagers do, and unlike most teenagers, she would know that this was for the best. With time she would see that being with me would always end in disaster.
I continued to run.
I could not trust my own thoughts, they were dangerous and led me down a road of temptation I dare not start. I endeavored to feel nothing, and as that was impossible, I desired to feel only pain. I deserve this pain. How much pain and suffering had she endured because of me? Even before the tracker found her, her life was put in such danger, the scope of which she would not comprehend despite my warnings. Every moment she spent with me or my family put her at outrageous risk. I was a fool for thinking I could protect her when she should have been protected from me. I was her greatest threat and to think that I could be her savior was the most sinful hubris. I was soon to be nothing to her - as I was always meant to be. There was another spasm of pain at that thought.
I ran for some time. I cannot say how long and I cannot say in which direction. Snow accumulated in my hair and soon I was surrounded by it. North then. Perhaps East. Likely somewhere in the barely occupied reaches Canada. None of it mattered. My mind played host to one topic, her. Her name acted as an arrow piercing my unbeating heart so I would not think it. I couldn’t prevent her eyes from clouding my vision but I would not think of her voice, of her smile or her scent. These were temptations I could not indulge.
I stopped running.
I lay in a snow bank as I once did in a happier time. I was confused then. So many months ago I couldn’t understand how this girl could uproot my life so completely. I was angry with her. I hated her. She was my undoing and how dare she come into my life with her intoxicating scent and ruin the carefully rendered facade my family worked to maintain? It was embarrassing that I, who prided myself for decades on my self control, was so easily conquered by this silly inconsequential girl with silent thoughts. I was a fool then too.
I could neither hate nor despise her, she was my salvation. She was also my curse. I was fated to know the feeling of true happiness, the heat of love, and receive its joy without the satisfaction of knowing that it was forever. Even a human forever. Such was my punishment for my many, many crimes. I could see that now. The remainder of my existence, I shall be a monument to the tortures of fate. Sinners beware! You can fall at the feet of God and ask for forgiveness but some sins cannot be forgiven. Look at this fallen man who dared to dream that he could love someone so pure and so well, that his sins could be purged from St. Peter’s book. But, of course, God’s mercy was intended for man and I was not counted among them.
I stayed in that snow bank for a long time. I was consumed by my own pain, self-hatred and fear. I feared eternity. What could it hold for me other than protracted pain? An eternity without her was unendurable but for her I must endure it. It would pain her to know that I ended my existence. She would never need to know, but it felt like a betrayal all the same. I would stand sentinel until the end of her days, and only then will follow her into the next world. Then I will achieve, if not peace, at least an end to my agony. I was almost excited by the prospect but knowing that it would mean the end of her life, I could achieve no actual happiness. I imagined what she would be like at that time. Old and wrinkled, surrounded by her loving family. She would lead a happy life, I knew it. Her children would have her eyes and her smile. Her daughters would have her heart-shaped face and her unflinching bravery. Her sons would have her empathy and ability to see the best in people but they would look like their father. Another stab of pain.
Any man she chose to be with would not deserve her. He would test her kindness and stoke her lively temper. She would be too good for him but he would make her happy. He could be in the sun with her without disguise, he could touch her without restraint, he could love her and never fear his own nature. They would be happy and loving because she is meant to be happy and loved. This did bring a smile to my face despite the agony it caused. Bella was safe, Bella would be happy, and that was all that mattered.