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“People often hide their feelings so they don’t burden others."
Hours later, and the words Hifumi had said to comfort a mourning client echoes in his ears. It's not like he hasn't heard stories like hers before, but the tears his kitten spilled had struck too close.
Her best friend had taken her own life, but she hadn't noticed any signs because there'd been none to see. Kind at heart but frugal to a fault, always lending an ear but never speaking of herself, the poor girl had lived a humble life — so humble she had nothing to her name — and passed on like she'd never existed.
Entering his apartment, Hifumi lets it sink in.
This is supposed to be his and Gentaro's place, but one look and you would've thought it was a bachelor's pad. The setup, the furniture — all Hifumi. He’d even bought the things that are Gentaro's style thinking that they'd make him feel more comfy. In fact, the only proof that Gentaro lives here is the small corner of his writer's space, two framed photos of their first date and Fling Posse, and a handful of gifts from Hifumi and his friends.
Now that Hifumi thinks about it, Gentaro's place was pretty bare before they moved in together. White walls, and wooden floors, and the necessities, that was it. Instead of decor and trinkets to liven up the place, there were crumpled papers and energy drinks and leftovers of microwave meals scattered about. Gentaro might’ve rented out the apartment, but it wasn't his.
Gentaro doesn't really have anything of his own, save for the books he writes.
That's not to say Hifumi hasn't noticed this. No, it's just now he's truly realizing it — that Gentaro doesn't leave any trace of himself behind. As if he's ready to up and go at a moment's notice. And sure, Gentaro can be "Phantom" all he wants, but he wouldn't be Izanami Hifumi if he let him fade away like one.
Relief washes over when he sees Gentaro fast asleep. For once, he's bothered to go to bed instead of knocking out at his desk. Good thing, too, or else his back will break one day with that bad habit. Jeez, and he calls him an old man.
Carefully, Hifumi sweeps Gentaro's bangs to the side and presses a kiss to his forehead. Gentaro hums, though the steady rise and fall of his chest means he hadn't woken him up.
Still. He's so still. Almost like he's dead —
Shaking off that thought, Hifumi hurries to shower so he can join Gentaro in bed. He's used to having a late schedule, but it gets so hard when he could be cuddled up with his boyfriend instead! All clean and hair dried, he flops in beside Gentaro and wastes no time hugging him.
"I'm home~" Hifumi says, burying his face into Gentaro's back.
Groaning, Gentaro entwines their fingers. "Welcome back…"
He goes quiet, probably dozing off again. If he hasn't stayed up until five-thirty in the morning, then he hates getting up at it. Hifumi's more than okay with that. Gentaro doesn't let himself rest enough.
Anyways, Hifumi should also sleep, but last night's shift continues to haunt him. Close together, he notices how little of Gentaro there is in their room. There's his writing space, yeah, but his clothes don't take up a tenth of their closet (and that's with the stuff Hifumi bought him). He'd been using soap and water to wash up until they'd started dating, too! Not to mention, he doesn't spend anything on himself.
Gentaro exists — he's right here in his embrace, all right — but, sometimes, it's like he doesn't live.
Of course, Hifumi's no stranger to things like this. Doppo's stopped trying to kill himself years ago, but that doesn't change how he struggles everyday. Even Jakurai has his moments, bottle it up as much as he tries. But what do you do when someone doesn't cry? What do you do with someone who lets it all pass by?
Without thinking, Hifumi kisses Gentaro's back. Then his shoulder. And it's kind of hard from behind, but he gets his hand too. And his knuckles. His thumb. His index finger. His middle finger. His ring finger. His pinkie.
"Hi...fumi...?" Voice groggy, Gentaro turns to him with bleary eyes. "What's gotten into you...?"
Giving Gentaro's lips a peck, Hifumi says, "Hm?"
"...You're being quite affectionate."
"I always give you some lovin'!" To prove his point, Hifumi gives him another kiss.
Though he sighs, Gentaro doesn't resist. "Indeed, but this morning more so."
Hifumi pouts. "Is it so bad to kiss my Gen-chan?"
"Don't you know?" Gentaro says, somehow able to use his teasing lilt this early. "If you kiss me too much, you'll suck the hydration out of my skin and leave me looking like a shriveled up prune."
"Psh, that's nothing some anti-aging creams can't fix!"
"Ah, yes. Overpriced products that may or may not work on this fragile skin of mine. How wasteful, indeed."
It's another one of Gentaro's exasperated acts, yet Hifumi can't help but frown. He would give Gentaro the whole world, but Gentaro doesn't even take souvenirs without a fight. How many things does Gentaro actually own? How much of Gentaro is actually in their home?
Gentaro's brows furrow. In a rare act of kindness, he runs his thumb along his cheek. "Hifumi, is something the matter?"
"No." Hifumi shakes his head, too quickly given the deep creases on Gentaro's forehead. "No, it's just…"
He grabs hold of Gentaro's hand and kisses his palm. And again. And again. And again.
"Gentaro, are you happy?"
Gentaro takes a second too long to reply. “Why do you ask?"
His client's story pops into mind, a whole ramble ready to roll off his tongue at a thousand words per minute, but somehow Hifumi manages to keep it short and sweet since it really boils down to one thing: "'Cause I'm scared that one day I'll come home and you'll be gone."
"Don't be ridiculous," Gentaro says in spite of it. "Whom else will pay half the rent of a luxury apartment?"
Hifumi pulls Gentaro in, chest bumping against chest, and meets those pretty green eyes of his — the same eyes he wants to keep looking into until they're both old and wrinkly.
"No. I mean, like, you'll be gone."
Silence. The kind of silence that’s never sat well with Hifumi. In another time and place, he'd find it funny how Gentaro's staring at him like he told a lie, but all it does now is make his heart stammer with worry, with dread, with every other synonym for “anxiety” he can think of. His fears are cut off, though, when Gentaro wraps his arms around his waist.
Resting his head on his shoulder, Gentaro says softly, "It's quite difficult to leave when you hold me like this."
Hifumi hugs him tighter. "Then I won't ever let go."
"...That's fine by me.”
And as big a liar Gentaro is, Hifumi knows he'd said the truth.